​olisten, don't worry, it's fine. i've said this before,
but i mean it this time:
i can't do this anymore.


you will not wonder what could have been. you will continue to believe i could have tried harder, when you never tried at all.
you never even said what happened.
you never even explained that the pledge was done. you broke it and you pretended you hadnt.
i can't begin to say my disappointment.

​​ i will make this because i am the only one who will. i will do my damnedest because it's all that i can do. these things are fleeting, this is what they are. i will make every letter a suicide note, a ship of leaves set to sail down a trickling gutter stream. i am the moss at the bottom of the street.

WHAT FUCKING EMAIL DO YOU EVEN KEEP REFERENCING IN WHICH YOU DECLARE YOUR LOVE OR SMOE SHIT

i was afraid to let go and give my love freely. when i did, it was given back.
​it's pretty HIGHLARIOUS that i predicted everything in this poem, by lumping you in with the rest before it was even true.
you should understand that i'm disappointed and hurt that you left me for someone new. or rather, placed me on the backburner (yes i've been there before.)
but i'm really hurt and really angry and disgusted that you didn't tell me first, that instead of checking in, you checked the fuck out. really did you care for me so little? after pulling out all my love and trust, after you told me over and over that it was okay and you were here and full of love, after we pledged ourselves to each other. why didn't you tell me that plans had changed? why didn't you tell me there was at least the possibility?
and as far as not "understanding upset or hurt" or whatever garbage, i don't fucking believe you for a second and i really wish you'd drop this holier than thou shit and get back in the dirt with the rest of us. saying that crap (and actually believing it?!) just makes you seem all the more selfish, naive, and oblivious. which i guess is what you really are, and congratulations on finding someone who buys into that.
what does "sorta" mean?
how angry should i be?
do you know how i pined? do you know what i risked?
it kills me how defensive you were. how you float away to your intellectual land where nothing matters and there's no point to anything. do you really believe that? how did we ever love if that's true? how can you throw this all away?
do you know how it feels to have your heart jumping out of you, your chest always an aching cavern, open to everything? how is it that i can feel this much?
it's constant pain. i know you don't believe.
of course i could never make it with someone who doesn't believe in anything. of course he sees my sadness rules me.

you didn't miss me. you don't need me. i should've known.... i think i did which is where the test came in. i saw this coming before you did. i saw it all. i was never your style, i could never be your girl.
just don't pretend this was something that happened to you. you are making the choice every step that you take. fate led you to the water but you didn't have to drink.
i am the desert, the place where men sink.

how could you be so naive, so selfish, so ENTITLED????
why did i believe that you respected me
why did i believe when you said about getting rejected, being hurt, the one that was left
why didn't i notice that long line of girls stretched out before me all along
why didn't i call to them
how did i not see how much you worship yourself, your disdain for human relations, your carelessness

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
i thought you knew me better. i thought i could believe that you'd grown. but you are still the same immature boy who loves the lie and the pit.
i'm too embarrassed to tell my friends what happened between us. i was so fucking excited.
you tried to get in touch in the weakest ways, so fucking polite. one text a week and a couple one-line emails. no calls, no letters; it was clear you didn't need me, miss me, didn't feel like i feel.
you wanted to silence to give you the go.
i asked what do you want, and you say you want to talk it out. what i hear is you want to make yourself feel better before you move on and leave me to my silence. i will not give you that.
you are a fucking coward. do not blame me that we never settled on a label or a name; you never tried to have the conversation. it was easy on you, you could slip out at any time. you did, i knew you would.
i feel so stupid for letting myself fall. i saw this coming from the start. but i do put my heart before my head, whatever you think. i believed in our power, the magic of us. i thought we could overcome our fears and failures.
of course i love you, that's why i am so broken. what did you think? i warned you what would happen.

ten moons. write it about how i feel, not what he did. he will not understand the blaming language. you have to make him understand through confessions and truth.

filling and refilling the bucket with water. filling up and pouring out. a branch cat​​ches my arm and leaves a cool drop of morning dew, the last one left at high noon hiding in the dark bush. a cobweb catches my hair, surrounds and tangles, a new nest.
the bucket will never be clean. the water will come out clear and pure and will muddy instantly in the stained white plastic.

​how how how how how how h​​ow do i feel so much

crumb + crime

some lines tapped out drunk on my phone and high in my room, in a
matter of minutes over a handful of days--

(i'm sorry, you asked.)


carrying you
the broken doubloon
pockets of deception
full and heavy with treasures
cherished or forgotten

funny how we came together as it fell apart
broken from the start, but now scattered
at least a fourth gone forever
and the other smooth slivers tried to lose
but somehow i never do manage to

how much was i holding in?
how long will it take to wash away
near nine years of constant chemicals?
no one warned me:
waves of unchecked estrogens, enzymes wreak havoc on every piece
of my system and knock me off what little stability i rocky rode,
cysts crunch tight ovaries twisting, wrecked
weeks of white knuckles, eight days of thick black blood
birthmarks bleeding and browner than ever
so sore, so much, so tired, so sad
so so done
get me gone

shedding it all
getting rid
the sticky slickness of newly opened fruit
it pains and pours
cant keep anymore
i feell down

couldnt contain it and split my sense
on the pavement spilt my whisky and my mess
but not a drop for you
and fingers that beckon but do not ask
split sick open wide
spilt self all over
cant contain--
i didnt want to
i disjt mean to
he did not ask to take the fruit

they usually dont


and where did i lose you?
between the unealked streets of our interchange
without negotiating the borders of this new land
under a haze of confusion in the cloud of uncertain substance
so how could i find you?
why shouldnt you float
in and out
to and fro
up and down
i coukdnt ever hope to stay
a mess of indecision
a cobweb tangle heartsore

that heart was whole
in my pocket all along
it missed the chance to sing our song

and now my fruit is rancid, rotten
under wilted odor of noxious lovers
who sucked on my spirits and promptly forgot them
greedy plundered all sweet offers

tasting and taking the higher they climbed
entwined in the dance called the rape of the vine

they took as they tasted the best of my wine
they took me down dancing the rape of the vine


why did i assume it was all in the mix?
that the music would speak where the silence kicks?
that they'd stay to sleep when the fruit was picked?
why i’d rather not ask than take the risk
when at every end i’m trapped and tricked

how hungry did you have to get
to try a night with me?
look past the sagging sacks and
maneuver the tangles to get the fruit
this is no courtly quest
there was no love story


and so pulled out the clot and held in my hands
nine years of clear caught love, spent seed
everything i tried to keep
a ball of blood and mucus down the drain
sent off without ceremony
now what do i do with all this feel?
without a stopper or a net
and now, not even any eyes
dumb and blind and come and cry

and what we saw on the deep dark highway
were roads of stars through layers of heavy trees
all that hanging life and sweetness
and there, ahead, still and silent in the middle of the road
the fawn, the wandering grazer, small shy and calm
not the deer in headlights
not a thing but trust
we slow to let her finish, turn and cross back towards us in the dark
not running
not away

the beauty leaves a bitter taste
i want to scream, to get her gone
don't look at us, don't believe
you can't stay here girl
you won't have time to learn

then
two dead doe
and there it is:
every sister, mother
splayed in center
the white lines
straight through
legs broken
necks cracked
i try, but i cant take it back


now the cat in my lap and the wine in my hand
hurting and working without a plan
i won’t tell you how it really ends
you’ll do your best to understand
but wonder why it’s back again


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,mmmmmm
^this is lucha's contribution
can't say i don't agree
you asked
i'm sorry

​why can't i give myself the right to ask? am i afraid of my partners? am i too afraid that i'll upset them by being straight forward and end up hurting myself in the long run? what is this ridiculous dance?​​

words to keep for Better Critter

drowning in wonder and hunger of several varieites

i have a fever

let's sleep in a freezer

abandoned alphabet

​a is for aquarius there are no words
b is for blue fire eyes dear god i'm falling
c is for catastrophe, the only kind i need
d is for danger, disaster, delirium, deliquency, deranged, dirigible
e is for ecstatic my love
f is for face your face its shining its beauty and f my friend we'll always be and f my fool and for FURRRRR let me live in there in your forest and let's f
g is for gigantic a big big love
h is for your head, i want ot hold it forever. holding your heart in my hands. please let me.
i am working on feeling alright
j is for my jester, my joy, filling it all with laughter and spark
k
l


(edit and finish this thing and turn it into a letter/book/paper present)

critic
manager
music videos


learn drums
make zines
learn to write
herbs
acrobalance

join intnetional community
publishing internahip
animal rescue
artist residency
filmmaker in new zealand


rex will be great forever just doibg what he does. what do i NEED to do?

sawngs

1) Art Sorority for Girls - Spaceship
2) Larkin Grimm - The Butcher (Live on Airborne Event in 2008)
3) Adrian Orange - Blushing
4) The Mountain Goats - California Song
5) Diane Cluck - 4 Score Lightnings
6) Paper Bird - Cryptozoology
7) Regina Spektor - A Cannon
8) Beirut - Scenic World
9) Mountain Man - Play It Right (live in 2011)
10) Haruko - Spring In Our Lungs
11) Erin Tobey - Water Song
12) Agent Ribbons - Birds and Bees
13) Belly - King
14) Beat Happening - Dreamy
15) tUnE-YaRdS - Want Me To
16) Pearl and the Beard - Voice In My Throat
17) Zoë Boekbinder - inexorably
18) Khaela Maricich - V-Day 1998
19) Cub - The Day We Met
20) Paul Baribeau - How Could That Be True
21) Why Are We Building Such A Big Ship? - Lonesome Leash
22) Shenandoah Davis - Duet
23) Jolie Holland - December, 1999
24) Josephine Foster - Little Life

​dreamt of animals, taking care of charlie, who it turned out had been alive all along. a soft sweet creature, peach and feather fur.

sinking as a window pane

a trial

it's a night of beer and coffee on the couch of weary lonesome
and the dirty cups are stacking faster than we're pouring new ones
with the ghostly winds ahowlin through the trees, a fearsome rain storm
and the chimes clang crookedly throughout, an otherwordly chant noise


4am with nothing left
half a beer, my shallow self
i do forget to eat
but i don't forget to drink
how can we know where we stand
when the birds don't sing?


a pitterpatter pitterpat sings in the dark alone
the lonely redwood branches chant the heart of every song
i fall to catch the only thing that i know how to trust
the life that struggles in the dirt, the worm that's all of us




i'm throwing in this bit from an old song i wrote, stealing from yeats.

and this is all i know:
things come together
before things fall apart
things come together

sinking. singing. the chant of it that leaves me out. the pace of it that proceeds, as i sit , idle on the couch. the smell, the breath. nothing left. nothing to offer to wind or rain, nothing to gain. just take me, teach me, let me ride. i'll turn to storm clouds, pitch and glide. i'll become the blaze you want me to; there's no tomorrow but me and you.

and jesus christ my heart stopped when I saw it was me who left the carriage house door open

something about how the branches scraping the glass ends up sounding like the birds that i've wanted.
ugh this is terrible tom, please excuse me. but you asked me, and it's practice! practice is good. let's keep working. i wanna improve. let's go there.

​dreamt you sent me two songs. the first was about how sad and depressed you were, and the second said something lik​​e "if you really cared, you'd be here" and it made me feel awful.
and then i dreamed about being at the pharmacy with a girl i used to know when i was small.

​the world all warm and wet, ancient and growing
all i want is the feel of your fingers around me,
inside, stiff, hardened
everywhere in complete​​

When I came, I saw the forest: redwoods, ferns, ravines. And those bats. A night full of bats.

old mix

tom sent me the tracklist to an ancient mix i must've made him in, what, 2006 ?? 

i didn't know him well yet and i didn't know what kind of music he liked, so i just threw a bunch of stuff on there. haha wtf was i thinking.

i'm down right amazed at what i can destroy with just a hammer - atom and his package
mediocrity rules - le tigre
the return of evil bill - clinic
lime house - the breeders
i was born (a unicorn) - the unicorns
nancy drew - tuscadero
the chimbley sweep - the deceberists
miss alissa - eagles of death metal
hounds of love - kate bush
the naming of things - andrew bird
bridges and balloons - joanna
neighborhood #1 - the arcade fire
the pull - the microphones
crushed bones - why?
big science - laurie anderson
not living at all - mr. airplane man
no roses no more - lucero
manhole - ani
steak for chicken - moldy peaches
love und romance - the slits
fire fire - mia
god and country - the thermals
deep wilson - kristin hersh

Finally realizing the truth. I just need to talk straight. I'm afraid of being this way: clingy and crazy and scary. I'm afraid of him being something else, something that doesn't want the same thing. What can we do.
I'm afraid that we won't be what we want. That it wont work when I do want it to work.

Put our heads together. Press mouths open. Hearts beating as one, matching breaths. Close, open. What heat, what magic! The feel of our tangle, the mess of us.

Home alone and every little noise is freaking me out. Will i ever grow up?

i do not need a light

i almost didn't go to my therapist appointment this morning. it was my first time seeing this woman, and after my disastrous experience a couple weeks ago (in which the LCSW accused me of being on my parents' insurance illegally and made me cry in the first 2 minutes), i was feeling pretty wary about whether this was a good idea. but i went, and i was late, and a very sweet dog greeted me as soon as i walked in. the session was okay i suppose; i felt pretty okay about it when i first left, but that feeling has been steadily failing since i got home. i wish i had been more firm that i see medication as a last resort, and i wish i had talked more about immediate problems than answering all her questions about my back story. and anyway i don't see what good this is going to do me if i only see her three times, which is hopefully what it will be if i can get out of town as soon as i'm planning on. SO basically probably a big wate of time and money on my end, and i'm not sure what i'm even trying to get out of this. i hate to be so negative but.. well that's just how it is.
now the day is already half gone and i have no idea how that happened and i'm mad at myself. i need to find some lunch and take morgan driving and do some errands and work on editing and finish cleaning my room, etc. instead i'm listening to an album i just discovered by an artist i really like, josephine foster-- it's all musical versions of emily dickinson poems! so perfect. how did i not know about this before?

listening to: josephine foster - i see thee better -- in the dark

happy birthday

well, old blog, today you've turned 10. i'd like to make an effort to write here more... the periods of my life when i wasn't writing have turned into weird black holes that i'll never be able to remember. and i think it'd be good to keep this up, if only for processing. definitely in a big transitional period right now, with really no idea what will happen next. if i look at it the right way, i have infinite possibilities; the world is completely open to me. but the reality is much more stressful than that, and this is the worst low i've been in for a long time. i really don't know what the hell i'm doing with myself and it's impossible for me to envision my life beyond memphis and this movie. so i guess that's where i should start?
anyway, i'll try to be around more. sorry for neglecting you, old friend.

already today, morgan saved me from a roach that attacked me while i was taking a shower AND gave me some of her old teeth. for there is no friend like a sister...

dreamt of goth and fey girls, and finding a way in the woods.

everybody is full of advice for me lately but none of it is very useful. i gotta get out of here.

i don't know why i bother going out of the house at all anymore.

i stayed up too late last night and got a bunch of road kill emails, but they're too upsetting to read.



my free will horoscope from last week:

If you want to be healed, whether from a physical malady or a psychic wound, there's one prerequisite you have to meet: You have to be willing to learn a lesson that your suffering has invited you to study. I would go so far as to say that no one, no matter how skilled a healer, can help cure you until you have taken that first step. So what teaching is it that you would need to explore in order to transform your distress into wisdom?

this scares me.

in 2010, i graduated from college and learned how to use a manual can opener.

in 2011, i will start reading my dad's book, stop smoking, drink less, write more, read more, FINISH MY FILM, organize my papers, start doing yoga, learn about nutrition, become a witch, and move out of my parents' house.

last night almost turned out to be the night.
katherine, brett, and i go out to chao praya for delicious thai and watch fast, cheap, and out of control at brett's house, which i don't think i like. after a gin and tonic and a couple of hours of channel surfing, i drop katherine off at her house and head home around 2am. for some reason i call brett, i guess to rant about how depressed i am and how awful the universe is. why did we watch that movie, that television? why is everything the worst reality it could be?
a grey cat shape is running right in front of my car. a wild sound ravages my throat, and i'm braking as hard as i can. it happens so fast, not fast enough. i open the door and poke out my head but can't see anything. i wonder if she's under the car, so i inch forward a little bit. the phone has hung up. there is the sound of whimpering, a squeaking chirping sound. what have i done how could i do this how can i go on how do i fix it. i'm rushing to get out of the car, almost forgetting to put it in park. behind the car, the middle of the lane, a raccoon, no two. two raccoons somehow saw the fallen cat and took immediate advantage. how can i help? am i capable of taking two raccoons? nature is cruel, maybe this is out of my hands, maybe it's up to them. i can scare them away, i walk towards them, three raccoons unhook themselves and scatter. no bodies, no blood. there's another car coming, it passes without slowing down. by now brett must have called back; i'm in such a shock, just start driving still debating what to do. brett says if they left the road they're fine, but i tell him that most of the roadkill i've seen is on the shoulder, in the gutter. i make it all the way back home before turning around to check for a body. what could i even do with it? i keep asking. my voice is hoarse and my eyes are dry for now. completely disoriented, i keep getting my landmarks mixed up and directions confused. the road by east high is dark, black. where did it happen? i wonder if each blemish of pavement is smeared blood.
brett assures me: i see no bodies, i felt no bump. i assure him, we live a miserable existence.

no one takes me seriously

note to self: stop talking.

while cleaning, i realized that everything i own is covered in feathers. this accounts for at least 70% of the problem that is my room.
today i voted not to make hunting a constitutional right in tennessee, to consolidate the memphis city and shelby county governments, and to put steve cohen back in office. i'll let you know how it turns out.
yesterday i got a job as a part-time receptionist at a massage therapy place in midtown, and my first day of training is tomorrow. the job itself seems pretty chill and at least slightly flexible, which hopefully will make up for the shitty salary. i'm NERVOUS as you can imagine, but oddly not as excited as i was expecting to be after a job search that felt neverending and soul-sucking. maybe it'll be a little more exciting once i'm there a couple days.
in other news, my trip to wilson was really great, for the most part. i got to see mountain man sing for free in asheville!!!! they sang for about half an hour, with me and morgan standing only about a foot away. for "dog song," molly asked us to close our eyes and snuggle up with someone, and i don't know how many people participated, but i hope they did because it was amazing to be able to just listen to the different tones of their voices and feel the direction of each sound and wowowowow i feel so lucky to have been there. i need to write them and ask if we can borrow a song for our movie. that would really be something.


you can see all the way at the front.... amazing!!

HANG ON WAIT IT'S NOT DONE

listening to:

whining and pining is wrong

this morning i scheduled my first job interview since my last one a month ago at the humane society. just a minute ago, i called back and canceled it.
i'm still depressed about the humane society not calling me back, but i have decided that this is the week to get over it. i almost applied to starbucks a couple days ago and realized that i need to GET REAL.
part of me wants to catch up on here and write about everything that's been going on, but in some ways it doesn't really seem worth remembering. for instance, i embarrassed the life out of myself on friday night, and now i wonder why i ever leave the house. i need some new hobbies. pbrs and music tagging aren't cutting it. but did they ever?
yesterday my parents found cosmo in their bed gnawing on a baby turtle. the top front of its shell was bleeding, and i cupped the turt in my hands while mom dabbed at the wounds with betadine. then we made a house out of a big plastic storage container and a feast of tomatoes, grapes, collards, mushrooms, and the rest of the schnuck's produce aisle. although seemingly healthy and doing fine, turt won't eat and seems pretty stressed. the vet says just to let em back into the wild, i.e. the backyard, but now it looks like there's more blood and i'm afraid.
also morgan is here for fall break. hurray for fall break! finally fall.
now i'm going to the pho hoa binh buffet YAYAYAY

listening to: the magnetic fields - busby berkeley dreams

me: yr always running me off

Jerel: well
I don't know what to do
I'll feel bad either way
but one is more in your interests than mine so I go with that one

just discovered that i can look at statistics about who reads this blog, and i realized it isn't only me... most of my readers use windows..?!
i know you are out there, and you better start commenting.

can you see the means without the end in the random frantic action

violent dream. beat up (or maybe just verbally abused?) brandon's girlfriend, then went to someone's house where i got shot, then went off and proceeded to slice up my own tongue.
last night i just sat at home after my horrible day and moped by myself. i ended up hanging out with my parents, who were watching wonderfalls and drinking dad's beer of the month club beer. more correctly, my dad drank the whole huge 9.3% bottle by himself, except for the half glass i snatched for myself. i got jealous and started drinking white russians. we proceeded to get more ridiculous until we were all talking to the tv and dad could hardly follow the show. brock appeared suddenly while we were standing in the backyard pointing mom's ipad at the invisible stars. it almost feels like true fall...
blah blah blah. in the end, i was up till 6am yet again. and cutting my own hair, which looks awful. i need something

listening to: amanda palmer - astronaut

don't you go

just cut my hair for the first time. woahahhhwoah

listening to: the dodos - it's that time again

can't control thoughts of things i needed

yesterday laylee showed me this cragislist ad for a vague but cool sounding kennel assistant/dog walking thing:

Dog walkers/helpers, full-time & Part time . This will be at a kennel/rescue. Behaviorist helper and kennel helper are the positions avail. Flex hours and good pay ($12+/hour depending on job and your experience). Reply back if interested.

so of course i replied to it because i respond to ALL the vet/animal rescue ads, and around noon today i got a reponse! i was SOOOOOO EXCITED and pranced around the house and felt better htan i've felt in forever and just basked in the idea of doing rescue work. the crazy thing was that i had JUST been talking to my mom about wanting to do this kind of thing, and she was so excited for me too and saying "it's fate!" everything felt beautiful. katherine arrived and we watched the latest version of our movie trailer, and it just felt perfect. my parents both loved it and laughed in all the right places. then while katherine went to pick up her new guitar from the store, i wrote a gushy reply to the PAWS guy about how excited i was to be given this opportunity, animals are the light of my life, etc etc etc.
but THEN. i clicked the link in the email where i was supposed to fill out a questionare and upload my resume. it was then that i realized the whole thing was a scam. everything fell to pieces, i'm no longer floating around, and i remember what a cruel and horrible thing reality is. if this WAS fate, i obviously needed a reminder that people are evil and things never just work out like they should.
fuck it all.
plus now we're having a trailer crisis as well. please watch it and let us know if it makes any sense or is good. leave feedback in the comments.

listening to: hop along, queen ansleis - bruno is orange

broken glass as far as we could see

worst beans and rice ever. what is wrong with me??? actually i will just blame these possibly frigerator-burned beans and butterless instant rices.
getting ready to go out with ada. but where to? probably one of the midtown dives we've been frequenting this summer... probably the lamplighter.
i put hot sauce on this beans and rice but it is still kinda inedible. time for a bunch of corn on the cob, i guess.

listening to: hop along - coney island

click clack moo

i just found out that my typing speed is 105 words per minute... surely the university of memphis will want me for their secretary!

things look better in the morning light

i really hate that i can't sleep right now. i just took a benadryl to help me out... why can't i ever sleep when i really need to?
last night after our jib shoot i picked up py from the train station a bit after 10. we hung out with john tom and co. on his last night in town until about 3, then stayed up talking and drinking in my yard until 9am or something stupid like that. we slept until 3:20 which is insane because i missed like 3092572 phone calls-- i NEVER sleep through phone calls so i guess i was really passed out. seeing py was amazingmazingmazing, and i really hope he'll be back in a month like he says. his gf is going to school in nashville now, so maybe i'll get to see him regularly for a while. what a great energy he brings to life... miss that boy.
i got some disappointing news from my dad today... looks like the public services division of the city of memphis government is being forced to make a fuck ton of budget cuts because of something that i don't understand that has to do with the memphis city schools and i don't even know. so basically a bunch of part-timers at the library are probably gonna lose their jobs, meaning that i am probably not gonna get hired by frayser and i have to start looking for something else. i can't even say how disappointed i am... goodbye, beautiful dream job. hello, ugly world.
i have been really bad about accomplishing goals this summer. i pretty much gotta get real. mostly i need to work on my time management skillz and actually doing what i say i'm gonna do. part of me wants to make a list of things on here to make this official, but i don't think i have the energy right now. for starters, let's just say i need an awesome veg nutrition/cookbook and a grocery list.
oh yeah you heard about the WIKI right?????

listening to: larkin grimm - little weeper

the lonely heart poetry droning in hearts becomes songs that all objects sing to each other

just decided to pause on the job search when i read "police chef" and thought it sounded like a great way to make money. although i'm not a very good cook, and i don't do the meat thing... still.
yes, i'm still looking for a job. yes, i turned down the offer from the property management company. i feel a bit weird about it still, but i really think i would have been doing a disservice to myself to stop looking at this point. it was my first offer, and i think i have other avenues to explore. as brett put it, "Secretary at Confederated Management is not the way to start your career as a genius." mostly he could say that because my dad had just turned up some dirt on them on the internet.

plus, i asked the runes. basically what i got is that i can't lose sight of the big picture and remember that i don't have to stick to a narrow path to reach my goals. taking that job would have lead me astray. i need to work on not settling and not being so dependent. i got really flustered about how impossible making this decision felt. now i feel a little more relaxed, remembering that not everything is under my control and these decisions are actually not so huge. and... well.
well you all know i love bugs, but this is just ridiculous. i'm afraid to count the number of them in my room right now. is it because i opened the window for a few minutes yesterday to lean out and pet cosmo's little floppy head? is it because there is apparently a huge hole in my wall with only a thin layer between me and the outside world? (no wonder winter is so cold.) or, is it because i am a fucking bug magnet and always will be? and my cats just lie here... it's really not a problem except when they decide to crawl around on the computer screen, which just confuses my eyeballs. well. except for roaches..... DEAR GOD. WAKE UP KITTIES.

listening to: akron/family - ed is a portal

your daydream ends like a kick in the chest

breakfast for dinner!! sweet potato hashbrowns! pancakes! mimosas!! we should do this more often. i dont know how the fam felt, but i LOVED IT. again!!
went to see the new our own voice show. it's the first one they've done based on a book, though not a fiction of course. bill wrote and directed, but there were lots of new faces... good actors. got to see linley, alden, and grayson. so crazy how much time has gone by since i met them. coming back to memphis always shocks me that way.
i stare at my gmail inbox all day, but i dont read half of what i get and i still havent answered all the important messages i've been putting off from the last 6 months -- or more? steve cohen's newsletter always makes me tear up. what's email for again?
i'm trying to get back into music, but it's really hard. everything feels mediocre. i think i miss books.

listening to: art sorority for girls - spaceship

the life bangs and sucks

this is the fifth day in a row that i've woken up after noon. and the last two days, i've had an alarm set! that means i've been sleeping between 9 and 10 hours every night. i mean, i know i racked up a lot of sleep debt over the last semester, but this is too much... i wonder if has something to do with the fact that i can't shake this damn cough? am i still sick or something? too bad my insurance got taken away BEFORE i even graduated.
had a whole series of weird dreams, which i promptly forgot because of the millions of times that my alarm went off... lots of stealthy escapes..
i gotta get real pretty soon. this is bad news. today i will finally work on my resume! it must be done!
but first i need a black bean burger.
starting now, summer is gonna be good.

listening to: vic chesnutt & kristin hersh - hungry

is that rumbling thunder or plumbing?

bad bad bad dream after a bad day. it seems silly to go into detail now that i'm here. why would i want to remember this?
not sure if i should feel so affected by a dream.... but i really feel like shit. don't really feel like doing the things i'd planned to do today.
shouldnt have stayed up till 5 on saturday. REALLY shouldnt have stayed up till 4 last night. i really need to get back on track somehow.
looks like a thunderstorm monday... maybe i'll stay inside.

the atmosphere unravelling till you receive my love

had a semi-beautiful dream in which i was in love with a boy who was also a pig. in fact, i think i was also a pig sometimes too. i was scared, but when we faced each other and he nibbled my ear, it was so gentle, hardly any pressure. when he raised his hoof, i expected roughness, but it was warm and soft and comforting. this moment lasted a long time, i'm not sure how it ended. but when we're talking later, he's so comfortable and i'm finding out more about him, like that he's part cherokee, and he nonchalantly mentions that he's an orphan but he doesn't seem damaged, and i fall in love with him so hard.
turns out that we were on some sort of huge road trip with a bunch of people and had made a stop at my granny's house. she was pretty overwhelmed by all the guests and kept saying strange things... can't think of any examples unfortunately.
there is some sort of recurring section where i'm trying to remember the name of the lecture tom is giving on saturday night. i finally decide that it has something to do with the solitude of cats and how that relates to nature overall. but then i think maybe it's about roy orbison. i wish i could remember... so that i could tell him in person?? that doesnt seem right. maybe that's what i was thinking in between dreams.
everyone is supposed to be getting ready to go-- there must be a 6 people milling around the front yard by the van and 6 more that are still running around getting ready. i think, there's still time to do a couple last minute things before we leave since half these people aren't ready anyway. allie (!!!) says she'll come with me to the bathroom and i have an embarrassing moment of pee anxiety. plus my papa and a couple other people walk in on us. then i run off to some other bathroom to try to take a shower, but there's a long string of strange incidents so that i keep having to run around to different bathrooms and sinks. for example, a bunch of wet sand pours out of one of the faucets, making me even dirtier than i started. other faucets give no water at all. this whole thing takes FOREVER and of course, the more worried i get about making everyone late, the longer it seems to take. i'm freaking out about not getting to spend time with the pig boy, almost as if i knew the dream would end right when it did: before i had accomplished very much.

today i'm going to the apple store, where i will pick out a new desktop computer as a graduation present from my parents. although i'm already going crazy living back at home, they really do so much for me, and it's amazing that they give me so many things.
the rest of this weekend will be spent in my room, cleaning and arranging and sorting and discarding. i've already got two huge garbage bags of clothes to get rid of! maybe we will have a yard sale soon...? anyone want to have a joint yard sale?? that might be more fun.
on monday, i will begin my job search. this starts with a call to the census office, although i think at this point, that's wishful thinking. anyone know how to make a resume?? wish i'd had more time to talk to dale last semester...
ahhhhhhh real world go away i don't like what i've seen of you
am i already stuck??

listening to: diane cluck - telepathic desert

the best way to be is fickle and feckless and wishy and washy

so i finally turned in that last research paper WITHOUT EVEN PROOFREADING IT and believing that it was a bunch of mediocre mush. so how do i respond to something like this?!

Alanna,

This is one of the finest papers I have read. With your permission, I'd like to use it as a model in future courses. If you want me to take your name off it, I will. I also want you to know that, unless my memory fails me, your A+ in the course is the first (certainly one among very few) that a student has earned in my 20+ years of teaching.

I don't usually advise students to pursue graduate school (PhDs) because the market is so competitive. But you really should think about continuing your studies in some capacity. If you don't want to be a professor, you might consider MLS in library science, or at the very least, an MA in literature.

Best wishes,
Carol

aghhhhhhhh really what am i supposed to say to this amazing, beautiful, brilliant woman?!

i have been telling everyone that that was the last paper i will ever write. and now my head is all warped thinking about grad school. what to do?!

listening to: best friends forever - i think it would be great

to do today

• go to my last two college classes EVER
• turn in my last college paper EVER
• photocopy the Sea of Emotions map
• take a trip
• swim in the swannanoa 
• feed baby goats
• dye my hair
• graduation rehearsal
• pack

listening to: tom gently snoring

the lingering scent of fire

can't seem to get it out of my go cup.

dreamt i was pregnant. right before i went into labor, i realized how much i didn't want to go through with it, but it was too late. i couldn't believe what was happening. luckily, i woke up right as the contractions were starting, but i can still recall the feeling. it was horrible. thanks a lot, benadryl.

can't seem to get anything done. what a mess.

also, fuck the bubba.

trash

so maybe the maggots were our fault, but the plastic bag of dead rats certainly was not.

incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow

currently suffering from constant disappointments. how can i possibly turn this around?

i seem to have lost any fluency i once had in human conversation.
also, words in general.
it's just a COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN. it's always the same.

the girl from my film project mediated a q+a conversation between me and the boy i dreamt was my friend. i was floundering, so frustrated with her impudence, killing.

where do i keep going? the weekends feel like the polar opposite of the weekdays, and that's how it's been all along. except that the weekends aren't really good anymore.

i can't think of anyone i want to talk to right now, but i'm desperate for something. i'm terrified of where my existing relationships are headed and incapable of forming new ones that could be as important and beautiful.

just spilled water all over myself. only 10 minutes ago i was cleaning up the wine i spilled when i tripped on the stairs. not even tipsy.

i'm not present here anymore, but then again, i'm not sure i ever was. but then again, i'm not sure i've ever been. i'm starting to become terrified of going home.

am i even human? how can you be sure?

these lines near killed me today:

when i saw the blossoms broke after the rain
limp and sodden, when you wrote me again
made me think of spiders i washed down the drain
spiders' ghosts, thrown up and back again

blessing all the birds that died so i could live
be a woman
be a woman

all i can do is do.

Matins by Louise Glück

The sun shines; by the mailbox, leaves of the divided birch tree folded, pleated like fins.
Underneath, hollow stems of the white daffodils,
       Ice Wings, Cantatrice; dark
leaves of the wild violet. Noah says
depressives hate the spring, imbalance
between the inner and the outer world. I make
another case­­­—being depressed, yes, but in a sense passionately
attached to the living tree, my body
actually curled in the split trunk, almost at peace,
        in the evening rain
almost able to feel
sap frothing and rising: Noah says this is
an error of depressives, identifying
with a tree, whereas the happy heart
wanders the garden like a falling leaf, a figure for
the part, not the whole.

when you say "sweet dreams," is this what you mean?

i am on brett’s family vacation. he is himself, but his mother, father, and sister are not. we’re riding in a van, i’m looking at the backs of heads. we’re going to new york or some other big scary city. i dont think i’m very excited.

our rat trap hotel is a rat maze. to get to the room, i have to crawl on all fours, round and round, up and up. i’m alone, trying to squeeze around corners and read the room numbers. at one point i have to turn around. have a weird interaction with one of the other guests? where are you?

we’re all leaving the hotel down some crazy sky escalator. i think your dad is giving me directions, but i’m not understanding or i’m just nervous or something. i think i get in trouble? feel like a failure.

lots of strange, restricted travel-- multiple weird disconnected escalators into the sky. strange staircases with weird rules. i have to jump backwards down some steps, and i do one extra just in case. but the platform between these stairs and the next is shorter than i anticipated, and i land on another set of stairs. nearly fall, but somehow catch myself. brendan commends my good balance, but seems to think that what i did was stupid.
where are you? were you meeting a professor on these stone steps? i keep getting left alone in this huge city.

this part of the dream is just text on a page. i’m telling you i’m pregnant, and you can barely respond. i am desperate to get a reaction, but you can’t seem to say anything. maybe you tell me that you can’t live with me.

some weird history about a girl coming from a concentration camp in memphis.. is that my character or someone else? her face is sunken, sun-baked, sad.

we go to a ridiculously fancy movie theatre. it’s very high up... lots of escaltors to get to our seats. beth ellers, my film professor, is the ticket taker. i ask her if the film is good, and i’m hoping for a rave review. she says it’s mediocre and pretentious, so i’m disappointed of course. i think we’re finally sitting together in the the theatre, but you’re hating the film so much, i think you might have left. someone owes us a favor or something. i pull small pieces of paper from a book or a corn husk looking thing and give t hem to this usher girl, who gives them to a large man in front of us and asks for a couple of blunts. the movie is going on... i feel like it’s just a stage and different musicians performing. one song-- a guy is covering bright eyes. the music is a guitar, but he’s prentending to play a piano. at first, he plays with the music but then he just gets totally off. random people start appearing from under the piano... playing different instruments?

i know there’s more, but i can get it back right now. this was the most complex, vivid dream i’ve had (or remembered) in a long time. would like to remember more... would like to learn more about how dreams work. perhaps this has something to do with being the first 8 or 9 hours of sleep i've gotten in a long time.

film & fox dream

after not getting in bed till 5am, getting woken up by vacuums and shit at 8 or something and not gonig back to sleep till 9:30 or 10..... a brief dream.


becca johnson video? she’s watching it, or she’s listening to something... or is she playing? i thought i spoke to her. “wasn’t this the first time you played this song? you always opened up with a new one.” trying to be friendly, but she’s cold.

talking to sean in a little room, worrying about my exam

we watch a weird movie-- great quality but really gross subject matter-- like a college video made by hollywood

at one point we’re untangling cords... i hope he doesnt think i’m incompenet as a fellow filmmaker

at one point i look out the window and see tom! i wave, and we exchange some words about getting together later. i feel like he is carrying a bunch of gear-- fishing? photography? backwoodsmandry? see you later.

i’m overexcited, i talk over sean a couple of times -- apologize

i’m freaking out about my exam, how is it not 2:30? i look out the window and see that the river has flooded over, it is a huge and unstoppable creature rushing away first giant logs and then hoards of cars, an ambulance. i try to explain to sean what i am seeing. we go outside, and the sky is dark. i check the time but it’s only 1:40.

location: the house feels like the only structure on a vast, green piece of earth. i reconcile that it’s my grandparents’ house. suddenly there’s all these dogs running by. my family appears to tell me that there’s a fox. clearly the dogs are after it. i see them from a high angle, a huge crowd running after one orange blob. they’re driving it into the river. one dog actually drowns the creature, and i feel a pang of remorse. my family says they hope the cats were hiding, and i’m not sorry anymore.



what happens next? i feel like tom is involved, but i dont think i actually see him. maybe i just blamed him in the deam because i knew he was downstream, and i can imagine him meddling. i’m walking outside to look for the cats when the fox jumps over a fence and lands right in front of me. i freeze, but he’s already seen me moving. he pins me to a tree or silo or something, standing on his hind legs. he is clearly an oversized dream fox, more like a massive dog than anything else. his face is covered with what looks like green spray paint and his eyes are milky white, practically unseeing. i assume that the green paint happened earlier during the chase somehow. i stay perfectly still under his paws, and he eventually walks away. i feel like i may have been a little roughed up from this, but it’s not important. i need to find my cats. but every time i move, the fox suddenly appears again. at one point i try calling out. there is a horrible agony the final time, when he gets a whiff of my pussy and sniffs for a loooong time, trying to find me out. finally, a couple of dogs rush by me, and the chase is on again. before i know it, i can’t even place the fox among the herd of canids. i think i start off to look for my cats again, and maybe morgan appears, but i’m startled into wakefulness and have to write my fucking literary analysis, but i’m freaked out so i wrote this instead. the end.

the pain in my chest is maddening

everyone is driving me NUTS! right now, i cant wait for college to be over.
today's horoscope on astro.com feels pretty accurate... if i can manage to do some actual school work tonight.

"This is a good influence for heavy mental work and for tasks that require disciplined thinking. Your critical faculties are sharp and your standards are high. However, you won't find it easy to communicate with others; either you will have difficulty being understood, or you will give a more negative impression than you intended. This is not a good time for important negotiations or business transactions because communications between you and the other parties will probably be delayed or misinterpreted. Also it will be difficult to make the right kind of positive impression in such a situation, so delay personal contact until another day. Today you are able to think very practically, but do not let this practicality turn into narrow-mindedness or a total lack of vision."

i'm sorry i have been absent. but it looks like i wont be back for a while. maybe over SPRING BREAK!?
wish me luck... i'm almost there!

listening to: madeline - i waited all day

mix it up

here's the tracklist for a mix i made for katherine. i picked out the songs over several months, but only took a day or two to organize them, and i don't think the flow is very good, so i guess it's sort of all over the place. but i hope that didnt detract from the music...

1) Gore Gore Girls - I'm Gonna Get You Yet
2) Rasputina - Brand New Key (Melanie cover)
3) The Magnetic Fields - Reno Dakota
4) Zoe Boekbinder - Funeral
5) The Dresden Dolls - The Jeep Song
6) Madeline - Nobody
7) Thao Nguyen - What About
8) Whispertown 2000 - Restless
9) Regina Spektor - Reading Time With Pickle
10) Daniel Johnston - Some Things Last a Long Time
11) Julie Doiron - Shivers + Crickets
12) Laura Veirs - July Flame
13) Smog - No Dancing
14) Matson Jones - Welcome Back Mr. Audiotechnica
15) Throwing Muses - Green
16) The Ditty Bops - Aluminum Can
17) Hurray for the Riff Raff - Grocery (live)
18) Jolie Holland - Wandering Angus
19) Larkin Grimm - Get Naked with Me (live)
20) Diane Cluck + Jeffrey Lewis - Travel Light
21) Alabama Sacred Harp Singers - Present Joys
22) Josephine Foster - Three Day Days
23) Mount Eerie with Julie Doiron - O My Heart
24) Adrian Orange - Save the World

i know you and i know you need someone to hold you all the time

Statement as of 12:08 am EST on January 30, 2010
A record daily snowfall of 11.0 inches was set at the Asheville regional Airport yesterday... January 29. This breaks the old record of 6.0 inches which was set in 1930.

so i'm fairly certain that this is the only snow-covered birthday i've ever had... i am sorta bummed to be stuck on campus with no wine and cheese or delicious dinner. luckily, the queer suite is throwing a small party for another girl's birthday! with wine and cheese and grapes and cake! her birthday is technically monday, but we can celebrate our aquarianness. and somehow i volunteered myself to be in charge of music, so people better dance to what i play!!
i just went back and read some different birthday posts from over the years of this blog, which was a little strange. what a life!
since i can't really do anything too exciting today, i'm just going to relax. right now that means taking a bath and possibly reading sense and sensibility although the light in the bathroom is terrible on my eyes. i sort of just want to lie down.

listening to: the blow - gravity (pauline's response to amy)

i love a new planner. i love my new slingshot and its fresh cleanness.

there are many things i could say. i will try to say a few of them.
the most important is that my cat is missing. he has been gone since wednesday and according to my parents' craigslist ad, it was a "very cold night." he has never wandered off for longer than a night before now. mom thinks someone thought he was beautiful and snatched him up because he didn't have any identification -- he has lost or destroyed every collar. somehow that doesn't seem very likely to me, and i am fearing the worst. although tomorrow i plan to go door to door with flyers, if i have time between preparing for england and spending time with friends, family, and my remaining cat (who seems to prefer willy's absence, not surprisingly).

listening to:

walking in a winter wonderland

A record snowfall of 6 inches was set at Asheville NC today. This
breaks the old record of 3.6 inches set in 1916. With additional
snowfall likely... the total for the day will increase. Another
statement will be issued after midnight with the updated total.

it snowed ALL DAY and it is STILL SNOWING. i have never experienced this before... i just want to hole up in my room like a cave and go to bed. but i have to drive home! in all this yuck! so many people today tried to leave and couldn't... my friend was stuck in traffic for about 6 hours coming back from the airport after her flight was canceled, and i watched a van trying to make it up a snowy hill, but it just kept sliding back. go back inside! to your little cave house! i wanted to say.
the stupid health center was closed, and i didn't know, so i walked all the way up there for nothing. i almost fell down on an icy bridge. then i fell down in the snow... i predict this will be the first of many this season.

well, today i rewrote the essay i lost. to be honest, this one might be better than the original because i wasn't delirious while writing it. but, i don't really care about the grade at all... i almost didn't rewrite it because i turned in the first essay and my professor just said "rewrite it by tomorrow if you have time" and that wasn't super motivational. i feel like i learned a lot in the class, and i guess it would be nice to get a grade that reflects that, even if my essay doesn't. ha! I'M JUST GLAD THIS STUPID SEMESTER IS OVER. it was probably my worst semester in turns of taking useless classes. and i will really be feeling it when i am taking so many important reqs next time. anyway, it hasn't really hit me yet that it done.

rum nog in my belly... mmmmmm. time to pack!!

MY PAPER.

HAS BEEN EATEN.


THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.


!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?1?1!??!?1?!?! can anyone troubleshoot me oh my god

things just haven't been the same

ever since my mother joined facebook. she doesn't think i check my email anymore, so she is learning how to "chatter" and she's always leaving little messages on my wall, or sending me stuff like this:

you know, lots of peoples loves hoodies. like with bands on them. you can order a hoodie t-shirt sweatshirt with some weirdo on it, and people would loves it sooooo muches.

that's the entire message, by the way. i almost don't even believe that this came from my mother, but last night we were facebook chatting about my inability to get people decent presents.
i can't stop laughing.

manifesto against paralyzed panic

calm down about this massive pile of work sitting in front of you. realize that most of it is not so important. it doesn't matter if you don't get all the details right. don't waste time on word choice and just say it. you have one week left of school; you should be happy. this energy would be better spent elsewhere. just get it done and go to sleep.

holy shit

does this link work for yall?

i am speechless.

everybody's living like they should

someone pulled the fire alarm. AWESOME. i love sitting in the cold in my pajamas and no underwear FOR NO REASON.
i slept till 1pm today. i think i'm about caught up on my sleep and my sickness is almost gone. now to make up all that homework...
apparently i'm going to the winter formal tonight after all, despite all the fiasco. morgan needs me!! but what to wear?! [cue disasterpiece]
oh what the hell


listening to: tuscadero - mt pleasant

it's a wonder we don't collide

i am not motivated enough to do homework. is it actually because i am sick, or am i just making excuses at this point?
i am eating sweet tarts from the bystander intervention pinata. gotta save the chocolate for last.
i just loaned my car to elliot! i really hope he doesn't crash it on the hill.
everything is so lonely. i better get used to it.

listening to: madeline - lit elephants

a chronicle of misery: the week before finals

dr. bradshaw and his wife lesley have two sons (see diagram), who will soon be home for the holidays. while preparing for their arrival, lesley fell down the stairs. i believe dr. bradshaw used the word "gruesome" to describe the event. in my head, there were christmas ornaments flying, tinsel trailing down the stairs, and blood everywhere. clearly i've never met her, and i've only seen things from the end of the old man. he appeared at the office only briefly on tuesday, hair unkempt and voice ragged. and he had the nerve to ask me how i am, how i'm feeling about my abroad trip! he won't let anyone help him, so i have been feeling utterly useless all week.
on monday night, eva was complaining of a sore throat, worrisome because it seems that she only just kicked the flu and its lingering symptoms. then at cowpie she went and COUGHED ON MY FOOD and it was mexican monday and i couldn't not eat it! mere moments (hours) later, my own throat started to feel a bit sore. morgan asked her biology professor for me, and HE said that someone coughing on your food can't give you a cold. but i beg to differ! i've gotten steadily more congested and disgusting-feeling as the week has gone on.
what's the best way to get better? SLEEP! comes the rousing reply from the chorus of everybody in the world. guess what my life is utterly lacking? monday night, i forget all your hazy details. my throat was sore, i started downing ungodly amounts of tea. i had had a panic moment in that afternoon's banjo class when i learned the set list for our concert, only two days away. instead of doing any of my *important* homework, i played banjo all night. why did i chomp off my fingernails and render myself useless for clawhammer?!?! oh yes, because one must destroy one's body while composing a 7-pager in 4 hours. thank you, body, for donating yourself to the cause once again. but why oh why won't you just do what you're supposed to do on these stupid strings? part of the problem was certainly the temperature; my room is a veritable ice box. the point is that i sat in morgan's room and strummed for hours until katherine and brett rang morgan's phone for our conference call. did we make any decisions? i don't know. but i felt pretty shitty afterwards. finally around 3am i lay my body down.... and tossed and turned and couldn't catch a wink until at least 6:30. also i forgot to ask morgan to wake me up and i had no alarm clock without a phone, so i slept straight till 10. my history teacher seemed understanding in her email. dr. b was absent, so grammar was a 15 minute q+a sesh with TA jenn, whom i have decided that i like a lot.
tuesday night is always a misery night because it is the night my study abroad group meets. this time, naomi from international programs came to talk to us about not drinking too much or doing drugs at all or leaving the group. i got all confused about money conversion stuff and what to pack and whether i made the right decision by deciding to go on this stupid trip. back in the land of doors, ben and i sat down to work on our astronomy lab reports when renee and eva appeared at the door and suddenly a mighty sound was heard throughout the land of doors: FIRE ALARM. beautiful. we threw on shoes and coats over our pajamas and tramped out into the rain storming night. every dorland resident huddled in the smoking hut not smoking for once. the fire truck arrived and RD kat said the locked mystery room in the basement was emitting smoke. possibly breakers or some such thing. we didn't want to wait around in the cold anymore, so we went to ben's room and ate his ancient candy and sat on his roommate's bed and poked at stuff. an hour later, the doors of dorland were still closed to us, so we trudged across the bridge to a worser place: sunderland. in fact, the worst place: sunderland BASEMENT. there, we were greeted by a quite nude ilinca who fed us water in huge kitchen jars and saltines with nutella and peanut butter. she even gave me a hello kitty thermos full of mint tea leftover from dinner... still sort of warm five hours later! we watched the episode of buffy where she tries out for the cheerleading squad but uh oh all the cheerleaders are losing various body parts! eva didn't know what was going on the whole time and either narrated to us what was happening, asked for clarification about what was happening, or said aloud what her brain told her. we finally made it back into dorland around 12:30, about 3 hours after we were displaced. there, i played banjo, had possible heart-to-heart with morgan, played banjo, felt sick, called brett, spoke without thinking, felt sad, felt sick, and got into bed at maybe 2ish. received text messages from tom, missed him terribly. and then, it happened again: i couldn't sleep. morgan says i probably slept a little without realizing it, but i know i was awake when the sun came up. had some weird dreams that i have forgotten now... i should get back into the habit of writing these things down, maybe. but there were moments when i couldn't tell if i was dreaming or if i was just inventing visions for myself as i lay there sleepless. anyway, i'm pretty sure i was awake or at least half-awake when my alarm went off, so i just stayed in bed all morning.
wednesday was another waste. i tried to work on my lab report, but i had already made up my mind to skip that class. instead of lunch or class, i went to the health center to get a sick note. this was sort of crazy because the health center has been temporarily relocated to some crazy cottage out past eco-dorm that i had to walk up this weird little woods path to find. here's the stupid part: i wore the new boots my mom ordered me from l.l. bean. in my sickness stupor, i didn't think about how disgustingly muddy it was gonna be on this walk or the fact that, wonder of wonders, the boots might not fit... which of course, they didn't, and now they are all muddy even though i tried to wash them off when i got home. i am gonna return them anyway. fuck some shoes. anyway, it doesn't say anything about mud on the return policy. the rest of the day was stupid but fine: corrected paper corrections at work, heard about a carbon monoxide leak in gladfelter, ate a very tiny but tasty dinner at cowpie, played my stupid banjo concert at which i couldn't even hear myself playing, called my parents and complained, and got in bed at about 11 without doing a lick of homework. this time, i KNOW i got some sleep, but i did not by any means have a good night's sleep. i kept waking up coughing or not being able to breathe through my nose. i don't think i had any dreams, i don't think i slept long enough at any moment.
my alarm went off at 8:30 this morning. i went straight to morgan's room to ask for her sage advice. thank god, she told me to stay home and rest. she even gave me her hot pot so i would have a steady supply of peppermint tea. i haven't left my room all day, not for anything. i have watched the world go light and dark through my window. i slept a lot, until 2:30 when i decided that if i napped anymore, i wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. i have been listening to music and poking at the internet since then. i need to figure out how long i have to turn in all the assignments i missed... i don't feel like doing any work at all, but next week, as i may have mentioned, is MISERY EXAM WEEK and i have lots lots lots to do. but, tonight might not be the night. morgan did bring me a bagel this morning, but other than that, i haven't eaten all day... except for gallons of tea and 1 (one) garlic pill. that's the real problem with sick days. so anyway, it's late now, and i better run to cowpie before it's too late. tonight they're having carmelized onion and squash pasta plus quinoa and black bean soup! i am excited for soup yumyum.
apologies if i have totally butchered the english language in this post. i blame congested fuzzy headedness.

listening to: the mountain goats - jaipur

i read it's lame to wish that you might not walk out on me

today, as usual, i am a terrible person. i wanted to slaughter everyone and/or go hide in a cave alone. and just read and not have to communicate. i think my feelings of total annoyance and utter insanity may have something to do with the fact that i missed almost a week of BC pills and had to double up for a few days... i didn't do that for long enough to make up for all 5 pills i missed because that seemed like overkill. but still.
yesterday my eye was blotchy red and leaking crust, but today it's normal again. i feel like i will never be well... is this just my every winter?
i am a failure as a grammar tutor. i told him the wrong meaning of progressive tense yesterday and we had a verb forms question on the quiz today, and i know we both missed it. i don't know how to make it up to him, this kid is so anxious already.
are we all just losing our minds, holed up in little rooms like cupboards? when we are all crammed in together, but don't see beyond the circle at our table, how can we not be feeling so alone?
everybody is desperate, i dont know if i can really blame the cold weather anymore. it's too late to think. i'm done.


listening to: xiu xiu - hello from eau claire

there's a short, dark day until the night takes back over

this morning i rolled my ankle and almost fell down the slippery hill in the cold rain. somehow i managed to right myself before actually falling... graceful or ungainly?
yesterday, dr. bradshaw took it up a notch. as i've said, i feel like he has been testing my strength as an ERA, particularly in front of my peers. grammar was the same as usual. he rambled about farther vs. further and hyphenating words, then he passed out the quiz. everything was hunky dory... until i got to question 8:

On Monday, the effusively generous Professor Bradshaw, scholar, gentleman, and statesman, gave to Alanna Stewart, writer, film maker, and aspiring grammarian, some pennies to use in the bubble gum machine; though Alanna cannot now recall what occasioned such largesse and finds herself confused because her name is being mentioned on a quiz.

1. i was not even in the office on monday. i stayed in my room all day long.
2. he has never given me pennies for the bubble gum machine, which is actually full of breast cancer m&m's.
3. i don't understand why he exaggerated about himself, but said truths about me... except aspiring grammarian, what is that.
4. i gave him an evil look when he came back from getting tea, but he just laughed at me.
5. he made a big to-do about that question, even asking me to give the answer, but i just sort of squirmed, so he answered it himself.
6. he went BACK to the problem again later, talking about how you could have hyphenated "bubble gum" or something.
7. now everybody thinks i am a teacher's pet. and i'm worried that it's true.
8. a prize to anyone who can find the error in the sentence! respond with a comment.
9. should i be honore or flattered?
10. my first grammar tutee just left the office. no idea if i helped him at all, but i tried. i just wish it hadn't been with the quiz that has my damn name on it. how embarrassing.

listening to: thanksgiving - (you belong to the) blood

high in the clean blue air

i've gotten used to the sound of geese approaching, although i always look up to see them pass overhead.
right now, i am hearing a ridiculous cacophony of geese, which sounds close but isn't getting any closer. i think a massive flock must have stopped at our pond! i want to go and find them, but the studious part of me is saying no, stay in your little room, drink your little cup of jasmine tea, and read these mary wollstonecraft essays. still, i'm craning my neck to look out the window, thinking i might get a glimpse of a wing. i know they're close, but all i see is still trees.

listening to: honk honking

today i set my sights on your heart

physical pain lingers after the dream is over. there is no fly fish prick fastened to my finger to test my ability for removal. now i'm typing, but the for first few minutes after i woke up, i was afraid to touch the spot. it still stings a little.
i dreamed that i went to school with brett. i dreamed that the stay-at-home girlfriends wept when the bus drove off. i dreamed of exploring in a field of nail-gun wheelbarrows and a rambling country road where we flew past huge dogs and oxen and a hundred other animals. then i dreamed of a pond, where we hijacked a boat and paddled around serenely until a couple of men threw some traps into the water, my hand was stuck, they said it was just a test and watched me wrestle with it, unable to concentrate because of the pain. i think it was the intensity of the sensation that finally caused me to wake up.
this is the typical tragic tale of monday. i don't want to get up when the alarm goes off, i don't feel like i need to get to work on time, i snooze a million times, and eventually tell myself that it's time to get up. but i don't.
today i woke up at 11:16 and my throat's still sore, so i decided to take the day off. i mean, i still have a ton of work to do for this huge paper that's due tomorrow, and i plan to spend my time doing that. maybe a little nap here and there... i already feel guilty because of an email from dr. bradshaw, asking me to make 21 key-hole-punched copies on light green paper (most likely the poetry class reading list) and to march them straight into his hands as he teaches class in the holden auditorium, all the way behind kitteridge. the past few weeks, he has had me doing this more and more, perhaps to test out how i operate as an English Research Assistant in front of peers. after all, i'll be in the Romanticism class next semester, and i won't be able to hide behind a TA like i do in grammar. which apparently is also part of my job next semester. dr. b had asked me to consider doing it, but jenn tells me that he has already informed her that i WANT to do it. well, i guess i knew i was gonna do it. he just figured it out first.
sorry for the work rant... i wonder if i should go down and eat eggplant sandwich and split pea soup at cowpie or that would just make me feel guilty. my dorm room options are... canned soup or zatarain's. i'm getting really hungry, i think i'll go anyway.

listening to: holly golightly - stain

should i seek out someone i could keep?

i wish i had weapons.
i feel like smashing something, especially the thing that keeps BEEPBEEPBEEPing every couple of minutes. dorms essentially mean patterns, repetitive sounds, repeated behaviors, i want to smash it all. tonight is violent, not nice. maybe just me.
a dog barks like clock work, one time three times, maybe after cars go by.
i feel like scavenging, but i'm already feeling sick, and i know that will make it worse.
a pile of eleven fingernails collected next to my tea cup. i was doing so well, but i broke. my hands have reverted to their former selves and insist on doing meanness. do nailless pinches hurt worse? some say. say some: i want to know it all.
i came home intending to stay, knowing this was impossible. i think it's time to go.
all i wanted was a haircut.

listening to: the magnetic fields - i thought you were my boyfriend

what.

while writing a paper on cocteau's la belle et la bete and thinking about fairy tales, i pulled up my old friend, Last Semester's Deliriously-Written Half-Finished Victorian Fairy Tales Paper That Should Have Been The Best But Wasn't, and i came across this little gem:

Fantasy and fairy tales have the subversive potentiality of no other genre because of their ability to twist reality through its images and symbols in order to create a new reality of their author’s devise that makes his or her point either subtly or directly in comparison to reality as we know it.

translations, please??

ready to explode

i slept all morning to, i guess, make up for the amount of sleep i haven't gotten over the last week. i wish i hadn't, though, because my service trip with my abroad class is tonight, and i'm afraid i'll be up all night, and then i won't want to wake up to garden.
speaking of my abroad class... i woke up to this email from my mom, who i had spoken with on the phone last night. she was planning to call somebody from international programs, but i suppose she couldn't find just one person and decided email was better. so she sends the following email addressed to the dean of students, the dean of work (one of my teachers), and two people in the international programs office... but she didn't use their individual emails and now i'm freaking out that a bunch of student workers are reading the following letter:

To all of you --- I wasn’t sure who to address and it has take longer than I like to find email addresses (does no one have individual e-mail?)

I have a number of concerns about my daughter’s upcoming study abroad class. I don’t want to pay for something that, frankly, seems poorly planned and lacking in academic rigor.
As of yesterday, there was no syllabus, and no full itinerary. The classes that are supposed to prepare the students for the trip are, in the opinion of my daughter, not helpful. I trust my daughter’s reasons for questioning why she should continue with a class this unpromising.

This brings me to my second concern. The plane tickets were bought the week of the first class. It was too late to withdraw when she discovered the class was not what she thought it would be. The class description was certainly enticing, and I’m sure Alanna imagined something more suited to her interests. But again, when the imagination became reality, it was too late. This is most unfair.

I really wanted my daughter to have a study abroad experience, even a very short one. I expected more from Warren Wilson programs because such a strong emphasis is placed on international studies. I really want her to have a good experience. Is there any way she could design an independent study to pursue in England for the time period? Perhaps Warren Wilson has a partner college somewhere that would provide housing. I do not want to lose the money we have paid, and I do not want Alanna to miss a trip to England that will be closer to the study we both believed was offered. I may be overly optimistic, but I believe we can find a way to make this a positive trip.

I usually try to let my daughters’ figure out the problems of college life on their own. However, this problem is too thorny to ignore. I will support Alanna in her decisions, but I wanted to make sure we covered every option.

I appreciate that you listen to our concerns, and I hope we can find a way through the thorns.
Respectfully,
[MY MOM]

after this message, how can i go on the group trip now, even if i wanted to? what a mess. someone please tell me how to feel about this.

everybody sees your smoking gun

this week is all dreams and undone work and headaches and wetness and mess, no time to write at all. and yet...
my big news: i heard back from diane cluck, and she will play on campus next semester! can i tell you i'm thrilled? i wanted a spring show, outside somewhere, but she may be doing a residency somewhere then, so it's looking like february. i need a way to make all the right people come.
oh obvious, the other big news: bell hooks will be on campus all day tomorrow!!!!! my women in u.s. history class gets to join a couple other classes for a special q&a with her at 9:30, she's having gladfelter lunch with students (although i'm too scared to go), and i'm skipping my film class to see her speak at 4pm. i got one of her books from the library, but i've had so much to do, i haven't had any time to read it. i feel guilty that i won't have done my homework for her visit, but i'm excited just the same. i really want to get this book, and also this one. i can't wait to learn! *dork*
have i mentioned the rain? NONSTOP for three days and no end in sight. mostly it's not so bad that i need an umbrella, but it's surely cold and slippery. the worst part is the worms. yesterday ilinca and i each rescued one from the sidewalk on the sunderland hill, but there were squished ones all around. i've been so careful, walking on tiptoes in my rotting boots, but i still come home with soaking wet socks.
after the worms, i talked to dale for over an hour. dale is one of the two career services staff, and his face is amazing. this was my second meeting with him, but it had been a while, so i had forgotten about his face. i asked my question; he asked me to be patient while he thought his answer through. this was no problem. as he thinks, he closes his eyes, knits his furry brows, and occasionally smacks his lips, the bottom one pulling down on the left side. he emerges from the trance slowly, smacking and talking, and finally opening his eyes SO WIDE that his forehead just grows and his glasses move slightly. that's what i can tell you about dale. that, and he loves what he does. we're meeting again soon because he wants to help me find a job and work on my resume. he makes all this stuff not seem so scary.
on my way back to jensen, i saved two more worms. they were shiny and translucent in the rain, white and pink soil monsters fighting pavement. i hope this damn rain stops.
later, i am washing my hands in the cowpie bathroom. three girls are talking, on their way to dinner, i suppose. two leave, one is left behind fixing her hair, just for a moment. she leaves and cuts the light. i am stranded in total darkness, blind. people are always cutting the light on me in that bathroom; at least this time i was out of the stall. sometimes i am really invisible.
over dinner, morgan tells me that i need valium. of course, there's none to be had. it's only uppers for wilsonites, or lately, echinacea and garlic pills.
i don't know how to write about the hell that is my study abroad class. it is juvenile, embarrassing, and boring. i would be mortified to type out what actually transpired in that miserable hour and a half last night. the point is that i went home and cried and then calmed down and wrote an email to the teacher. i found out today that i can only get a partial refund if i decide not to go. i had a horrible meeting with the two teachers that felt like a gang up of feel good nonsense. these two are a trip of their own, talk about cross-cultural experience. the class is trash, but maybe i should go to england just the same. if i go, will i even try to enjoy the group, or will i be a breathing, reading shadow?
advice on this subject would be just peachy. i'm all lost.

listening to: josephine foster & the supposed - who will feel bitter at the day's end?

too long nap

a bus and a plane. brett cancels his flight, where he would have run into my dad, to ride the bus with me. travelling at night, no sleep. a loaf of bread, nutella.
people take pictures of each other -- lover's revenge?

all the lies in a scholar's brain

i made an executive decision to skip banjo class today. to make up for it, i decided to do something productive. class is almost half over and all i've done is... this. i think i'll get into bed and do some history reading. then i'll go to yoga, dinner, and the film festival meeting, but i'll probably skip the radical mental health collective tonight because i think it's art night again blahhh. i have sooooo much work hanging over me, it's not even funny. i hate it when everything happens all at once, but isn't that just the way it goes?
this morning i signed up for my classes for spring: statistics, lit of the restorian period, filming appalachia, and romanticism (i'm the only person in that class so far, but ilinca and morgan are gonna take it with me!) i'm debating adding a 2 credit class like dance, culture, and identity. is 18 hours too much? right now i think i want to go ahead and graduate next semester, rather than stretching it out for another year. why not? i signed up for all my required classes, but i could still change my mind between now and january 22 or so... we'll see.
yesterday i finished lighthousekeeping, and i immediately went to deliver it to morgan's room, where i was sure one of the sick young ladies would like to read it in her little germy bed. however, in trying to sell it to them, i ended up reading them the first chapter. renee and morgan fell asleep, but eva stayed awake, and all of them said they liked what they heard. i hope someone reads it. but also i sorta want to steal it back and flip through it and type up some of the great parts. that's pretty dorky, isn't it. i should be working. yes. productivity is key. i'll do that.

listening to: larkin grimm - link in your chain

school dream

i’m in a class with my old history professor from loyola, but her hair is longer and maybe black. she’s teaching dance instead of world civ, and she doesn’t like me at all because i’m quiet. when we get evaluated, she says that i can’t finish movements, i’m stiff, and a number of other things. maybe this would be okay, but everyone else got showered with praise. i try to talk to her about it, but she’s really mean. somehow i end up storming out of class and throwing a ceramic teacup at the wall.

i don’t know what i’m gonna do. how can i explain this to dr. b and carol? i try to avoid them, but it doesn’t work. they find me eventually. they’re too kind. dr. b doesn’t really understand, he thinks i didn’t really mean it, but i did. carol is overly gentle in my class with her. she and another guy are team teaching and they do some whole elaborate exercise where we all have to hold hands and weave around the big desk they stand behind.
also there’s a girl in the class doing a project or playing a joke or..? she appears to strip topless, standing next to the male teacher, but i see that she has on some sort of flesh-colored thing that’s also binding her breasts -- she’s trying to look like a little girl.
i think this is part of some sort of school-wide event that’s going on... there’s another thing.... lumber?

i sit in a car with my cousin amelia on a street somewhere. we are talking and we see some possums in a tree. there’s a whole family. i scramble to get my camera ready to film them.

that’s all i have left. i can’t believe i slept till 1pm.

guilty dream

brett and i go to a little diner at a stop on our roadtrip, although all they serve is meat and fish... i order blowfish, which comes out looking like a miniature yellow blowfish, staring up at me. i don’t remember actually eating it, but i think i did, and of course felt really guilty about it later. brett reassures me in a truckstop bathroom.

i’m at some sort of bar and an older man offers to buy me a beer. i’m wondering what they have here, when he sorta suggets “Bud?” sorta pleadingly, so i get a PBR. he smiles and says, “that’s my kinda girl.”
there’s some bizarre scene with isaac hayes playing guitar on stage and saying something about, if he likes what he’s playing, of course we’ll like it. i think it’s kinda cool, but it’s not really my kind of music, so i don’t see how he is so confident.

i discover and befriend belan a young man who sleeps on a couch in a large alley/courtyard between some buildings. from head on, it looks like walls on three sides, but once you’re inside there are some crevices that lead to other places. i don’t remember much about my intial relationship with the boy except that i loved hin, cared about him.
i got my whole family to come out and meet him and in solidarity, we each slept on a couch in his alley. each member of my family represented a different color in the conversation we had -- like it was somehow in text even though we were speaking. they wanted to help. i switched couches with belan because he wasn’t comfortable and we talk secretly while my family sleeps.
later, still at night, my mom and sister come with me to a nearby alley, skinner, with a fence on one side. there’s a little dog caught in the fence and we help it free, but mom says, “it’s lost an ear.” then we see there are several other little dogs, and maybe a pig, that are missing ears and sometimes legs. i am devestated. i want to bring these animals to a shelter, but mom says no, it’s too late, especially for the one missing two ears and a leg. suddenly one of these little dogs gets swiped towards the fence and its second ear goes missing. there appears a giant cat, at least three times the size of these tiny dogs. it is matted and ferocious and calm, slowly stalking towards the street and away from us. i hate this beast, despite feeling connected to it. something calls us away, and we never come back.
belan gets us in to a party at an apartment in a nearby building. the apartment is nice enough, but it’s sorta faking being better than it is. it’s sorta twisty and the kitchen where i’m standing is very cramped. some people come in talking about haircuts, they look like people i have seen at school. i say, “i need a haircut” to the one i think is mikaliah with fancy hair, but she sort of scoffs and doesn’t see anything. i keep looking at her face trying to figure out who she is, but it’s sort of shifting, and her friend points out that they should leave because i am staring. i’m embarrassed and i leave, realizing that these people are higher status than me and i don’t know them.
someone makes fun of me for my UK trip, saying it’s a waste of money for so little.
the party is a weird mixture of fancy types and drug lords. it’s sorta classy but sorta not. at one point i heard a grizzly pony tail man say, “you should see what i left on the stairs,” so throughout the rest of the dream, i stop to check out every staircase i see, but i just find scraps, paper with nonsense words, a yellow ball.
i realize brandon is there, and my friend xi chen is his girlfriend, which i feel very weird about and i can’t place the feeling... maybe it’s just jealousy. at one point they disappear into the back. it seems like i follow them immediately, but when i get there i feel like they’ve been gone a while. i’m sure they’re having sex, and indeed, they are rearranging their clothes. i’m really upset, i don’t remember what i’m talking about. i want to tell xi she can do better. i see brandon’s bookshelf against the wall and start going through it, finding lots of my stuff, including drawings by me, tom, and our (fictional) friend nathan. i am livid, “i asked you to return my things and you said you didn’t have any!” at which brandon sort of balks, i guess he had hoped that i wouldn’t find out, or he hadn’t realized that this stuff was even mine. i’m especially upset about nathan, and i tell them that he had also been living on a couch in belan’s alley, but he died. brandon is totally out of hte loop and had no idea that nathan died and he feels pretty bad. but he reminds me that nathan was trans and used female pronouns and goes on this tangent about how queer issues are so important to him, especially since, “i mean i do have a girlfriend” but he didn’t identify completely with men. even though this pisses me off, i feel completely awful about not remembering about nathan’s gender, and all i can say is that i just plain didn’t remember... there’s a lot that’s fuzzy about that time.
by now, belan has transformed into a woman, not in a trans way, but in a dream way. i just know that we have to get her out of that alley, i have a new sense of purpose. i am collecting donations from the people at the party and i know she’ll make it.

as usual, there are many details i've forgotten by now already... this is really only the second part of the dream. there was a whole section about me and brett on a roadtrip, and all i can remember is that sad little blowfish looking at me. i would like to say maybe more will come back to me, but since it typically doesn't, i don't really think it will. although i wish it would.

oh, i just can't resist this sorta thing

Your result for What is your otherkin type? Kintype Indicator Test!...

Faerie

Take What is your otherkin type? Kintype Indicator Test! at HelloQuizzy

what do yall get?

let's go out into the blackest night time

1. on thursday morning, i left dorland in a hurry, with only 3 minutes to get to history class. still, i paused to hold the door open for the person coming out of the basement, who turned out to be thomas. i had met him a few weeks ago when jayme insisted we invade his room at 3am. we touched tummies and he was nice, but it ended awkwardly with me getting all quiet and self-conscious. i don't think we had talked since that night. so, i was nervous to see him but took a chance and said hello. he was calm, easy; asked about my fall break. we talked for a moment about the funeral and death, and it was a little intense, but thomas didn't shy away from the subject or say anything fakey. at the end of the bridge, our conversation was interrupted when his curly-haired friend attacked him... something about latex gloves clogging the toilet. i walk away without saying goodbye.
2. on friday afternoon, i was slaving over a cutting board with five giant boxes of apples at my feet, rushing to keep all the plates full for the massive number of wilsonites storming the pavilion, hungry for apples. it was so insane, i couldnt even look up to see who was patronizing my table. suddenly a voice: i look up to see that the bubbly voice belongs to a curly-haired, very cheerful girl. she's asking about the figurine from the Red Rose tea boxes, and what does dr. bradshaw tend to do with them. i tell her there's millions floating around the office and yes, she can have the turkey. a little bit later, charlotte and thomas are suddenly asking if i need help slicing; clearly they are in dr. b's epic-heroic class and have gotten the lecture about helping out the poor ERAs to keep us from slicing off our fingers (too late). thomas is so eager and so adorable, i can't turn him down, but his apple-slicing skills are mediocre, and he gives up quickly.
3. later that night, around midnight, i end up in the room across the hall for a halloween party. among other oddballs in the crowd, thomas and curly-head, whose name was discovered to be gina, were there. my group had stumbled in during a compliment circle, where everyone had to give everyone else a compliment. thomas said he had enjoyed our conversations and that one time at the english offices, he thought my feet were dr. bradshaw's until he saw the pink socks. gina said she liked my hair and that hers was green once too.
4. later that night, maybe around 1:30, i went outside to cry in the tent behind dorland. two people come outside: of course, thomas and gina. i'm a bit intoxicated from the party's gin, so i'm brave and say hello. they don't notice i'm crying, thank the stars, and invite me on a walk. it's raining a little, but we walk down to the garden and all around. somehow we stay up till 4am.
5. last night, after my usual crowd has disappeared or gone to bed, i crept down to the dorland basement to see if my new friends were still awake. i piddled outside the door for a minute before getting up the courage to knock. no one heard it. i tried a few more times, pacing back and forth in between, before they finally heard me. i'm invited outside with thomas, gina, charlotte, and paul to share a splif in the tent in the rain. everyone is drunk but me, so i start to catch up with the whisky in my pocket. charlotte and paul disappear and suddenly, somehow, we are throwing pieces of ceiling tile at each other in a battle that moves slowly down the angles of the dorland basement hallway. somehow i see thomas's ass and i get to watch gina wrestle three cookies and a bag of pirate's booty out of the vending machine with a coat hanger.
6. i wonder if we will see each other this week and whether we will get to talk. these sorts of relationships are so very odd.

listening to: the blow - that boy

but why?

three and a half years ago, i traveled to houston, texas, (about 350 miles from new orleans) to see a band called why? and immediately turn around and come home. well, i guess islands played too, and we did get to speak briefly with yoni wolf, who, it turned out, had also driven from louisiana that morning. we nearly drowned in the same storm. our vehicles had temporarily shared a road, which practically meant we were twin souls. i swooned when they played an old hymie's basement song, when yoni beat his tambourine and simultaneously played the keyboard, when he glanced at me as i shouted the call (or response) on "gemini." then i sorta lost my mind on the drive home, thanks to a slowed and sped up mind. i think i talked nonstop for the entire five and a half hour drive and did a little bit of incoherent writing...
but i digress.
last night, why? played in asheville to support their new album, eskimo snow. the venue is only 11 miles from my nook in the mountains, but i was not in the audience at the show. not because i was in astronomy class (it was canceled) or because i had too much homework. instead, i had ended up at an event called stereohype, which was an open-mic about stereotypes, particularly in response to dance the night a'gay and some people's hyper-sexualization and parody of queer culture. the event was kinda neat, but not really spectacular.. if the organizers had advertised before the day of, perhaps more people could have had time to write something presentable. some people's poems and stories were really beautiful and thought-provoking. and then i stumbled around the main campus and the sunderland lawn with renee, becca, and elliot. we swigged some wild irish rose, split a couple southpaws, bummed a few rollies. we loudly sang "sadie" and "chelsea hotel #2" and talked about the band we're gonna start, any day now.. i wandered back to my room around 1:15 and read a few chapters in the novel i'm reading, which just took a major turning point, and i think the rest might be quite funny and continue to be quite beautiful.
but i digress.... so what happened, anyway?
why? has, like many bands i once loved, ceased to produce meaningful work. this can happen for any number of reasons. perhaps the musician loses inspiration or the process becomes work instead of release; maybe they defeat their alcoholism, or find religion, or get signed. or -- wonder of wonders -- maybe they start to produce music that i just don't like.
i find the latest two why? albums almost completely unlistenable. so, perhaps i haven't given them a fair chance. but i was so disgustingly bored and detached from the message because, perhaps, it sounded like the band was too. i hear a desperation to create a universal message, but the metaphors are failing and the rest is uninspired. although it's hard to hear a message at all between the ever more nasally voice yoni has taken on and the continual references to masturbation... perhaps it has something to do with my gender, but i can't help but pick up a hint of sexism in these songs. every woman is fetishized concept, not a person, and just because it's art doesn't mean that sort of reduction is acceptable. and how many times can you tell the same story the same way?
just look at this travesty; http://vimeo.com/6524204

i won't stay awake if i can't kiss your fingers

only have one page of my stupid astronomy paper about space junk. freaking professor never really specified how many pages we are supposed to write ("not twenty"). i am gonna wake up and write the rest tomorrow before class UGH i will be lucky if i can get two more pages out of this thing before i die of apathy. i would rather be learning anything else at this exact moment... boo.
the rest of my day was unspectacular: emma goldman in history, A+ 100 on my grammar exam, cut off from cowpie and exiled to the deli bar at gladfelter, a return to obsessive filing at work, radical politics queer circle, and 11pm chowtime cheese pizza with ben while we attempt to write about space.
why am i alive awake at all?

listening to: throwing muses - city of the dead