what is alive and is it allowed
what is alive and what if it's loud
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scooped out chest empty heart
how mad mean I am at the people on the street
every car an infinite fuckup I hate you I can't stand people "like you"
where does it stem
"I just wish I wasn't allowed to live"
I can't believe I said something like this out loud ?
ppl are already working on this you know
I can do the
you can feel the
~~~~~
I had all the cats after me but they left because I'm this ~~~~
alone
how crispy waits in the cave
, two wands ready ,
yawn
but the wood one's gnawed and that
Gracie lou done it , I'm done in
have to turn away from nearly tears
the chest cavern threatening collapse
don't think of it
don't see it
don't
what is allowed and is it alive
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the synergy or whatever the fuck I used to feel with my sister, my friends
was it the comfort of copycat
mimicry as synergy
some duxjif tiktok or whatever blasted me the other day about 'autistics' and 'gestalt learning' which is supposedly about learning in chunks - learning contexts instead of - what? facts? tidbits?
anyway it made me think of how I didn't do that great on the reading/English portion of the SAT and whatever and how I was supposed to be 'so good' at that subject but I couldn't handle the stupid analogies or whatever they wer called - if blank is to blunk then blink is to ____
you'd think I'd be great at a logic problem but I could only remember words from contexts and not their actual definitions -
maybe. or I'm rewriting history to fit this narrative. (but it is true that I was not very good at those problems, or terrible at standardized tests in general.)
so rewrite it why don't you
I guess all this fuckinf AuDHD all over my scroll has got me thinking about - well okay maybe all these people wouldn't get a clinical diagnosis (or whatever that means in the first place) but isn't it interesting that they call came here in the first place? that enough people feel this amount of disconnect from the way they see 'normal' behavior/cognition/being
of course idk what happens after - I haven't dug far enough (yet?) to find out - does it remain fully pathologized, do they (we) need to feel that they (we) are medically/clinically 'different' in order to justify our existence? or being comfortable in our environments, with ourselves, ever, at all? if I call myself this thing, will I finally have permission to be a whole mess?
that's not quite what I mean. it's not just about messiness. although there is a lot that's messy about my communication styles --
anyway it's not like every freak of all time can or should be labeled in this way. do we really need it to just be ourselves?
maybe in this time period actually maybe we do. or - idk. idk what I mean by that. idk why I think the diagnosis is supposed to legitimize something. (yes you do it's what you were trained to think.) well sure. but also isn't it maybe just easier to point to the chart on the wall when people are confused? or now am I just making excuses for myself. 'why can't you ___?'
why should i? haha just kidding I literally can't bc xyz diagnosis - SEE?
(but cant I? or how much forced can/must is okay for ones mental well being?)
how much indeed.
no one is supposed to be living this way - this western way - this shit boat - tanked
this is what I get for drinking at the work function: honey and the kitties all tried to love on me and I gave them all a little pat and practically ignored them for all this gobbledy gook.
and for what! scheming on some play idea that can't exist. why. (lol it's not an idea all you have is a monologue called this drivel.) well fine but it would be cool if some local autists wanted to hang out and talk about it and put it on a stage -
(lol that is basically what oov is for you crazy nerd)
but this stagnation -
the cavern -
can't.
(shouldn't. mustn't. won't.)
well I think it's interesting to explore the idea of 'cant' actually and that is kind of what this whole mess is about?
(why can't I even share these ideas? is that the dumbest part of all? feeling too dumb to be dumb.......????????)
too dumb to be dumb lol that feels like a clown rule
also never forget "oh that was nothing, I was just _____" is the exact place where magic lives - the thing that is easy for you is not easy for everyone. how you so easily dismiss the things that come most naturally -
(oh well that's just because that's what everyone i knew did while I was growing up so obviously that is the good and normal thing to do and what else even is there?)
-- to be loved
-- to be known
you have to --
breathe being
possibly. wtf am I talking about.
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what if it was never poems but always plays ?
(cmon nothing's never always ! )
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lol then I go on instagrung and it's immediately feeding all the same shit back to me aka I have no original ideas (and neither does anyone else but they make memes instead of whatever tf I'm doing which is all of nothing)
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BUT ALSO How easy it is to believe that everyone is having the same conversation bc the algorithms have turned us all so niche needlepointed at such particulars that we all agree all the time with yeah the 10 people that share our exact interests
and I actually have no ducking clue how large of a conversation this is --.
well I do know autistic folks and disability activists have been on this shit for years so
the lyric that won't go away the last few days
"I'm trying real hard to try"
(am I tho?)
you will never see my face samurai
(never - always)
