Sunday, May 30, 2010

your daydream ends like a kick in the chest

breakfast for dinner!! sweet potato hashbrowns! pancakes! mimosas!! we should do this more often. i dont know how the fam felt, but i LOVED IT. again!!
went to see the new our own voice show. it's the first one they've done based on a book, though not a fiction of course. bill wrote and directed, but there were lots of new faces... good actors. got to see linley, alden, and grayson. so crazy how much time has gone by since i met them. coming back to memphis always shocks me that way.
i stare at my gmail inbox all day, but i dont read half of what i get and i still havent answered all the important messages i've been putting off from the last 6 months -- or more? steve cohen's newsletter always makes me tear up. what's email for again?
i'm trying to get back into music, but it's really hard. everything feels mediocre. i think i miss books.

listening to: art sorority for girls - spaceship

Thursday, May 27, 2010

the life bangs and sucks

this is the fifth day in a row that i've woken up after noon. and the last two days, i've had an alarm set! that means i've been sleeping between 9 and 10 hours every night. i mean, i know i racked up a lot of sleep debt over the last semester, but this is too much... i wonder if has something to do with the fact that i can't shake this damn cough? am i still sick or something? too bad my insurance got taken away BEFORE i even graduated.
had a whole series of weird dreams, which i promptly forgot because of the millions of times that my alarm went off... lots of stealthy escapes..
i gotta get real pretty soon. this is bad news. today i will finally work on my resume! it must be done!
but first i need a black bean burger.
starting now, summer is gonna be good.

listening to: vic chesnutt & kristin hersh - hungry

Monday, May 24, 2010

is that rumbling thunder or plumbing?

bad bad bad dream after a bad day. it seems silly to go into detail now that i'm here. why would i want to remember this?
not sure if i should feel so affected by a dream.... but i really feel like shit. don't really feel like doing the things i'd planned to do today.
shouldnt have stayed up till 5 on saturday. REALLY shouldnt have stayed up till 4 last night. i really need to get back on track somehow.
looks like a thunderstorm monday... maybe i'll stay inside.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

the atmosphere unravelling till you receive my love

had a semi-beautiful dream in which i was in love with a boy who was also a pig. in fact, i think i was also a pig sometimes too. i was scared, but when we faced each other and he nibbled my ear, it was so gentle, hardly any pressure. when he raised his hoof, i expected roughness, but it was warm and soft and comforting. this moment lasted a long time, i'm not sure how it ended. but when we're talking later, he's so comfortable and i'm finding out more about him, like that he's part cherokee, and he nonchalantly mentions that he's an orphan but he doesn't seem damaged, and i fall in love with him so hard.
turns out that we were on some sort of huge road trip with a bunch of people and had made a stop at my granny's house. she was pretty overwhelmed by all the guests and kept saying strange things... can't think of any examples unfortunately.
there is some sort of recurring section where i'm trying to remember the name of the lecture tom is giving on saturday night. i finally decide that it has something to do with the solitude of cats and how that relates to nature overall. but then i think maybe it's about roy orbison. i wish i could remember... so that i could tell him in person?? that doesnt seem right. maybe that's what i was thinking in between dreams.
everyone is supposed to be getting ready to go-- there must be a 6 people milling around the front yard by the van and 6 more that are still running around getting ready. i think, there's still time to do a couple last minute things before we leave since half these people aren't ready anyway. allie (!!!) says she'll come with me to the bathroom and i have an embarrassing moment of pee anxiety. plus my papa and a couple other people walk in on us. then i run off to some other bathroom to try to take a shower, but there's a long string of strange incidents so that i keep having to run around to different bathrooms and sinks. for example, a bunch of wet sand pours out of one of the faucets, making me even dirtier than i started. other faucets give no water at all. this whole thing takes FOREVER and of course, the more worried i get about making everyone late, the longer it seems to take. i'm freaking out about not getting to spend time with the pig boy, almost as if i knew the dream would end right when it did: before i had accomplished very much.

today i'm going to the apple store, where i will pick out a new desktop computer as a graduation present from my parents. although i'm already going crazy living back at home, they really do so much for me, and it's amazing that they give me so many things.
the rest of this weekend will be spent in my room, cleaning and arranging and sorting and discarding. i've already got two huge garbage bags of clothes to get rid of! maybe we will have a yard sale soon...? anyone want to have a joint yard sale?? that might be more fun.
on monday, i will begin my job search. this starts with a call to the census office, although i think at this point, that's wishful thinking. anyone know how to make a resume?? wish i'd had more time to talk to dale last semester...
ahhhhhhh real world go away i don't like what i've seen of you
am i already stuck??

listening to: diane cluck - telepathic desert

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

the best way to be is fickle and feckless and wishy and washy

so i finally turned in that last research paper WITHOUT EVEN PROOFREADING IT and believing that it was a bunch of mediocre mush. so how do i respond to something like this?!

This is one of the finest papers I have read. With your permission, I'd like to use it as a model in future courses. If you want me to take your name off it, I will. I also want you to know that, unless my memory fails me, your A+ in the course is the first (certainly one among very few) that a student has earned in my 20+ years of teaching.

I don't usually advise students to pursue graduate school (PhDs) because the market is so competitive. But you really should think about continuing your studies in some capacity. If you don't want to be a professor, you might consider MLS in library science, or at the very least, an MA in literature.

Best wishes,
aghhhhhhhh really what am i supposed to say to this amazing, beautiful, brilliant woman?!

i have been telling everyone that that was the last paper i will ever write. and now my head is all warped thinking about grad school. what to do?!

listening to: best friends forever - i think it would be great

Thursday, May 13, 2010

to do today

  • go to my last two college classes EVER
  • turn in my last college paper EVER
  • photocopy the Sea of Emotions map
  • take a trip
  • swim in the swannanoa 
  • feed baby goats
  • dye my hair
  • graduation rehearsal
  • pack

listening to: tom gently snoring

Sunday, May 09, 2010

the lingering scent of fire

can't seem to get it out of my go cup.

dreamt i was pregnant. right before i went into labor, i realized how much i didn't want to go through with it, but it was too late. i couldn't believe what was happening. luckily, i woke up right as the contractions were starting, but i can still recall the feeling. it was horrible. thanks a lot, benadryl.

can't seem to get anything done. what a mess.

also, fuck the bubba.

Saturday, May 08, 2010


so maybe the maggots were our fault, but the plastic bag of dead rats certainly was not.

incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow

currently suffering from constant disappointments. how can i possibly turn this around?

i seem to have lost any fluency i once had in human conversation.
also, words in general.
it's just a COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN. it's always the same.

the girl from my film project mediated a q+a conversation between me and the boy i dreamt was my friend. i was floundering, so frustrated with her impudence, killing.

where do i keep going? the weekends feel like the polar opposite of the weekdays, and that's how it's been all along. except that the weekends aren't really good anymore.

i can't think of anyone i want to talk to right now, but i'm desperate for something. i'm terrified of where my existing relationships are headed and incapable of forming new ones that could be as important and beautiful.

just spilled water all over myself. only 10 minutes ago i was cleaning up the wine i spilled when i tripped on the stairs. not even tipsy.

i'm not present here anymore, but then again, i'm not sure i ever was. but then again, i'm not sure i've ever been. i'm starting to become terrified of going home.

am i even human? how can you be sure?

these lines near killed me today:
when i saw the blossoms broke after the rain
limp and sodden, when you wrote me again
made me think of spiders i washed down the drain
spiders' ghosts, thrown up and back again

blessing all the birds that died so i could live
be a woman
be a woman

all i can do is do.