Monday, May 26, 2003

(i promise this was meant to be amusing)

i stole the shirt from your closet
hope you don't mind
it was itchy, rubbing against my skin
when i tried to dance in the seat of the car
i think i spilled something on it
plus it's covered in me and my cat's hair
i sweated through the sleeves
and it was touched my bare breasts
because i hate to wear a bra at home
so now this shirt is dirty AND scandalous
because i lied--
i DIDN'T wash it
when i hung it back in your closet
the morning after

Sunday, May 18, 2003

aLittleStarlight: come do my latin project

BAT5721: okay

BAT5721: i shodul get my one legged one toother dirty sluty whore AOL to do it for you

Saturday, May 17, 2003

DYKWYCA is going to be one of the featured filmmakers at media co-op's film festival this year!!! we are very very very flattered and excited, and we have to hurry up and make movies to submit to the festival so that we are not ashamed with ourselves. me and dad ordered a new 120gig harddrive, and i think it should be hear some time next week. yay!!! i want to name it Petunia. i am very excited, and hopefully we will be able to edit BB3 and the crazy Sonic movie and country spacecraft ballerina and much finer and everything else that ever happened. and hopefully we'll be able to start some of the other things we've been rambling about. plus, school gets out on may 28 (seven more days!!) and we will have plenty of time to work on stuff this summer. we will try to keep you posted, and hopefully we won't just sit around like last summer. haha actually katherine and morgan and i just sat around looking at each other trying to THINK of movies for soooo much of last summer. hopefully it will be the opposite this year.

Friday, May 16, 2003

during the lunar eclipse, amber was talking to me
about how we, as women, are
connected to the moon
which is why her cat can't stop licking herself
and why my period came early
and why i feel like shit suddenly
not even chocolate can make me better this time
i tried that
and sucked down so much mocha that
i burned my tongue raw
and rediscovered that i don't like raspberry
everything that i normally find mildly annoying
or just something that happens
is magnified tonight:
the guys at the cashier talking LOUDLY over the open-mic poems
hey, you work here. you fucking host this event. shut up.
and yeah this goes to everyone:
i can't stand it when people refuse to pay attention
unless it's one of their friends reading
or they take their own poem up
that really makes me question why they want a turn anyway
they can't expect to get people's attention
i guess they just like the sound of their own words
echoing through the mike
oh, is that the case, then? how nice + selfish of you. shut up.
so tonight, because no one else would, i. shut up.
it had been going great like usual
but you know it's this damn lunar eclipse
that makes me delve into my coffee
as my people pair off
it's weird, in the middle
with familiarity still so close inside and friends across the street
amber stops blurring because for once she's standing still
lecturing me on the moon
i have had similar talks from mom and several authors
this is different from mom's abrasive loudness
and different from black print on a white page
because they've got it all wrong
the moon needs to be white print on a black night
but amber makes it okay
and paul finds a couple seconds to say a few words
before they've disappeared
that's okay, i've got Lisa Marie in my mug
and i can stare into the sky some more
and pretend not to be looking around to find out
what's going on inside, across the street
better check up and see how they are getting on without me
i ask Lisa Marie why
no matter how hard i try
we keep coming back here
and i know it is just me
and i know it's in my head
but doesn't someone notice that i'm missing?
jealous: his arms around her and teaching her to salsa
when all i get to hear him say is "stop touching me"
abandoned: she can't take the time to
string 10 words together for me
when that is all i am asking for
asking + asking + asking + i have nothing left to give
i tried to give her laughter and hugs
but my throat is just burned and empty
and my arms are just pale and empty
so she can't say i didn't try
pissed off: if making other people happy is what makes her happy
maybe she could have us on her mind a little more
and maybe when she asked "again?"
she should've stuck around for the answer
i missed a lot of what happened above the surface, back on land, tonight
i think i will only remember Lisa Marie
and maybe Laylee's lap, amazing perfect hugs, and
the most comforting words: just "i love you" over + over
because coming from her
it has to be true
and i believe her and i trust it
when it's time to go
i almost get left behind without a ride
because no one remembered to tell me when they started piling in the car
because, by that point, they didn't remember that i was even there
thanks, guys
your consideration has made my heart so happy
Lisa Marie loves you
in the car they ask in between words, like breathing up for air
backwards -- under the surface
"are you okay?" punctuating every few minutes
actually not really but what kind of question is that
and since i'm not okay why should i want to be interrogated
i appreciate the thought ––
in fact i'm glad you noticed me at all
and am i okay?
because questions are too complicated
and if you can't tell
then you can't help
it's easy for me to blame this on the eclipse, you know
a weird spell, never again, etc.
but wouldn't i be lying, at least in part?
because i'm too familiar with this place
to pretend that a natural phenomenon alone can send me here
look how dirty the welcome mat is
where i cried tears in my head that will not come for my eyes, will not comfort me
look at the paint chipping off
where i threw lamps and plates at the walls, like in a movie
look at the deep dent in the big couch
where i sit in my mind all alone every day
and i am fully aware that i'm exaggerating
i guess my friends love me
but right now, with the doors closed and the windows sealed, i can't remember
and no one has knocked yet to get in

Monday, May 12, 2003

she was trying to tell me
about this certain kind of Hebrew flower
whose name she had misplaced
she had it written down but
she took it out of the pocket
of the jeans she decided not to wear
and she put on this white dress instead
and she forgot to zip it up
so i noticed her white slip underneath
before i offered my stumbling hands
to the aid of her exposed side
she had forgotten the name of this Hebrew flower
because she didn't think
she'd be encountering one tonight
she said this flower hardly ever blossoms
rarely -- so it's an event when it finally does
she didn't really describe it except
that it's so beautiful
so beautiful
she said i was like that flower
and sensing a running theme for this month
i wanted to laugh
but instead i hugged her
because it means so much that she would say so
and she (so beautiful) means so much to me
i wish i could tell you about how she is
a smiling star in white cast on the cliffs
of everything wrong in the world
but she keeps shining every night
she always comes back to tell me
how i am like a beautiful flower
that i look gorgeous today
that i'm a wonderful person
that i deserve to be breathing the same air as her
that i exist and it's okay and so am i
funny because
i'm hearing that fairly often lately
so maybe it's not such a radical idea
i think most of this bad stuff is just in my head
and what isn't, maybe the people i care about can get around
the people who care will find a way around
i'm learning that i am not so alone
so maybe i should just suck it in and blossom

Sunday, May 11, 2003

okay this is supposed to be funny. in one of those true yet exaggerated ways.

where is my sunset?
i've only got the thunder
and airplane noises overhead
where the fuck did someone hide
the lovely kids who are
SUPPOSED to be falling
head over heels in love with me?
friday night i was slightly part of this conversation
about who weird it was
to think about some bo(d)y out somewhere
having a crush on you
and no joke, kids, there is no one for me
no no not even any creepy freshmen
the only guys i ever see are either
too busy hating me
dating my friends
strictly platonic
so i would be fucked
if i was only thinking about guys
but by this point
i would take anybody who came along
i am so sick of being the only one
and some of you will say
"oh alanna it's okay you'll find (t)him someday"
but fuck that, i don't believe you anymore
your words are empty
nobody has ever even so much as
had a little crush on me
and that is the honest truth
straight from mother's kitchen
and some of you will say
"oh alanna i'm not dating anyone either"
but hey that is probably your choice
or you at least have had someone interested in you
or you at least have some standards
do not deny it.
katherine, you have a fucking stalker, for god's sake
i DEMAND to be stalked
where the fuck is my high school sweetheart
my maybe baby
my "we're not dating but we might as well be"?
the lights just flickered
to match the thunder + my mood
i think Shakespeare wrote this scene
or maybe the fact that it just started raining again
is a sign from god? (haha)
"oh alanna you are thinking on the right track
like you always have been
keep up the good work!"
very funny.
nice one, god.
well since you're listening
let me not get sad at sweet love songs
just because they can't apply to me
let me not relish in seeing my friends in great relationships
and hearing their romantic stories
how you two are
so in love
really happy
friends with benefits
great... when you're alone together
just having fun
shit. lightning. i've lost my train of thought now
because i have a 50-track mind
i guess it can be seen from far off
a warning before somebody gets too close
just like the pale bald tracks running down my body
my sanity is slipping out through them
and i am running really low right now
especially since it's late saturday night
and you know what that means
yeah that's right girl you go on
and remind yourself
why they don't like you
i guess nobody wants to keep up with
my 50-track mind
my mood swings
my depression
my loud
my obnoxious
my ugly
yeah that's right girl that one is a real esteem booster
well this isn't big enough to kill myself over
(even though i'm in the bathroom -- my official suicide place)
because i can always get cats
plus i'm too hideous for the prostitute route
i don't want to hear you tell me that i am a beautiful human being
and how great + funny i am
and how stupid everyone else is for not seeing it
what the fuck will that do
shut up talking and date me, if i'm so cool
i told you, muthafucka!
you are empty words!!!

Saturday, May 10, 2003

"there's is an important "official announcement" to be made, this saturday night, approximately 7:35......before the beginning of our shorts program, which will include two Do you know where your children are there, or be squashed avacado. Seriously, and your whole board should be there. SO DON'T MISS IT ON YOUR LIFE, and, EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW SHOULD BE THERE, because, if they aren't they'll all miss out on a special announcement.


this is a message from the lovely morgan jon fox. i call on everyone to obey his demands and be at First Congregational Church (1000 S. Cooper) at approximately 7:35 tomorrow night.

media co-op

Friday, May 09, 2003

it was just another friday night
and my party got a little slow
nobody else was available
and it was just 3 people eating oreos
so me + laylee + robin went out on the town
down the street anyway

we hung out in the Smart Mart
that those nice koreans own
and even after Sonic
we still don't want to go home
we even tried Texaco
we tried Midtown Foods
and after it all we know
the one thing we have left to do

loitering in the laundromat
loitering in the laundromat
robin's playing mortal kombat
this is where i always wanna be at
just loitering in the laundromat

photo of robin, taken by laylee
hey, you called me bitter
but you can't just call me bitter
and leave without my laughter
so i told you that you don't matter
yr ideas are so outrageous
you think homosexuality is contagious
you have a mind but you don't use it
i don't wanna hear about how you lose it

this is NOT okay
and i will NOT just sit here
and listen to you say
that i'm the mean one
i'm the bitch
success won't have
any part in my mess
so i am evil
i'm unclean
heartless little motherfucking
stone-soul machine

yr a pathelogical liar
i can't trust a thing you say
and even before i found out
i didn't like you anyway
you said you were raped and you bragged about it
well the girls who really were sure don't shout it
go back to the depths from whence you came
oh my god you are so lame!

cause i am NOT dumb
and i have friends + love
i am NOT numb
so yr the mean one
yr the bitch
yr only as annoying
as a goddamn itch
because i don't care
what you think about me
because.... you know
i "don't care about anything"

i can't pretend to be nice to you even though
yr not the only one thinking what you do
i seem really judgemental according to ted
i think the hardcore has gone to his head
johnny told my friends i'm really "scary"
not that they don't know i am no fucking cherry
i don't need to be the one getting the most love
cuz shit like you filters thru till i get the best love

Monday, May 05, 2003

i come home from the movies
to find the bathroom sink steadily dripping water
and it makes me want to skip the hand-washing this time
as penance for wasting somebody's life source
but then i could end up with hepatitis
so i just stick my hands quickly under the faucet
turning 'slightly wet' into 'clean'
but it's okay because mom bought vanilla cokes and
brownie ice cream yesterday
forced me into a jail called "girls' night in"
and even with me having to be there
and having to gorge myself with cookies and milk
and having to watch a mediocre movie with a hot actor
so that mom can cry and cry like i wish i could
i remember the feeling of august september october
i remember the feeling of connecting with certain people
for maybe five minutes every week day
i remember weekend nights cold and alone
i remember isolation and wondering what everybody i
thought i was close to was doing right then
it's those same thoughts that are killing me now too
you know the ones
"why am i still awake and gulping down caffeine
making my throat lumpy so that i will have an excuse not to talk?
and what am i doing at this hour of the night waiting for somebody
to ring the doorbell or to call my lonely phone number?"
i really am a wishful thinker no matter what i project
and i feel guilty because i am a bad friend
who can't be told what is really going on
and i feel STUPID that i didn't suspect
because i trusted
so instead i just get parts of stories and breadcrumb hints dropped
along the milky way to the murky truth
only i can't tell if i am supposed to take the bait
but it's okay because two days ago i remembered
how beautiful some people are and learned
how beautiful some can be
and us just running through my backyard can create
threads that are stringing us together now
i'll remember it as a couple of hours when we were tied before
i flew with angels in the late sleek night
i loved that she sat in the middle seat so that i had her in my arms
playing with her curls and trying to make her laugh
and i hope her teary eyes dried on the way to getting comfort donuts
i loved him demanding that i hug him so that he could pick me up
and swing me around the driveway
i learn that i am truly a bird and he is my wings
i loved holding her firm by her constant hip handles as the sun creeped out
in her bed i remember every detail that i love about her
i wish i saw her more and i wish we could always talk uninhibited like in the late sleek night
and nights should never end
but it's okay because this morning i woke up to a really loud fly
buzzing around and smashing itself repeatedly into the glass of my window
and since it was just last week when i discovered that they weren't painted closed
i opened one up and it's a real sunday morning
when i can lay there in bed with the wind on my face
and pretend to fall back asleep to the sound of the hoses watering the roses
my little insect friend doesn't realize that he is humming to the wrong window
his little serenade has been for nothing because that one isn't budging
plus there is still love that i had no idea i could contain
i don't think i am big enough to hold it, anyway
no wonder there's no room for me to be someone
i am all full up with how beautiful everything is
i smile with my eyes closed to keep happiness in stock behind my mind
and the bugs are buzzing along

may 4, 8:20-11pm, on and off. may 5, 6:30am, geometry, geography, biology