Sunday, September 15, 2019

keyculator bodytalk notes

9/15/19 it's probably around 2pm or so

okay i had to stop and replace the AA batteries. now here i am. and i'm hungry haha. but i wanted to write a copule quick notes about the energy/body work i did with court the last couple days.
today kat came over and court led her, jerel, and me in a visualization about bring our power back to ourselves and then we did some power moves! felt great.
the visualizations were a real trip. i am not accustomed to such long meditation (or any meditation). i think it must've been an hour long?!? i wish i could've been more focused but i wasn't so far away that i didn't get some cool images and revelatory thoughts.
started with grounding - image suggestion was a cord stretching from the base of our spine through the floor through the dirt through the layers of the earth all the way to the magma at the center. i always have hard time with the cord image. this time i thought of a root system, growing wider and deeper at the same time. that was powerful. and the light entering through our crown - imagining a connection to the sun and its heat worked tihs time.
safety color was not easy either but i settled on the color of my parents' bedroom - a cool pale blue/green. and it surrounds me like a bubble but the bubblue is almost spiky/sparkly, shining, stretching. my safe place! sent away other people's energies. first doing donuts in a truck, in a widening circle. sweeping out clouds of dust/smoke and leaves. a kiss for jerel and a twirl and i send them spinning to their own bubble, where they land in a star-shaped power pose, smiling and shining. i give kat a hug and the same spin, she lands empowered in her own bubble.
now we bring our power, our energy, back to ourselves. it's glittering golden light flowing from all directions and i'm soaking it up. then i'm crouched covering my legs then my whole body in dirt, rubbing dirt into my skin to be replenished. and then water, soaking it in and feeling me. i feel scales on my skin, blue/purple iridsecent. my hair is shaved on two sides and i have elf style hair. then i'm a dragon. serpentine. shining, smiling, glittering, glowing.
even though i was drifting off for a lot of it, it was a great exercise! need to do more work on solar plexus, it sounds ilke - the center of my will and decision making. have to gain confidence in this area. need to start talking to MYSELF or writing things down when i am unsure, rather than immediately dumping on someone else.

yesterday i did my first body talk session with court and it was great! intense and healing. definitely felt like just dipping a toe in to a very big area of work. reminded me how blocked and disconnected i feel from my body, for all number of reasons. dysphoria stuff. depression stuff. anxiety stuff. trauma stuff. ALL KINDS OF reasons why i am far from my self mentally and also physically.
she told me to just relax and i could close my eyes if i wanted and just lay there and she would be touching my shoulder and doing some muscle testing on my left wrist. then she did some tapping on my head, my heart, and my stomach. she got messages from my thyroid and my heart. that there was a wall of fluid around my heart, like a protective coating. i can't remember what she said it's called. then she asked me to say out loud "i allow my spirit to surface" (i think) until i felt "comfortable" saying it, while she was tapping those places again. that was really tough. by now in the session, i felt light-headed and kind of emptied. it's like jerel said, it felt like a gem fusion or something. like i was giving all this mental energy away, to her, or she was channeling it elsewhere, or something. but there was a new connection, a new space where i could just float and be held and feel safe and not have to worry about anything being right or wrong or whatever. so i feel like i was pretty deep in it when she asked me to say that phrase. and i said it once and it was really hard. my throat started to close and i felt like crying. do i allow this? is it safe to allow my spirit to surface? (the night before i had posted my patreon interest ask on facebook, so was already feeling very vulnerable about expressing myself and letting my spirit show and being exposed and just wanting to let it all FLY OUT OF ME at the same time. to be ALLOWED to be my true self and my spirit and creative. this was a big big big feeling.) so i felt like i might cry. my chest tightened and my throat closed and tears pricked at my eyes. i felt like i was riding a wave, not unlike what i felt during my abortion - waves of ridiing over it and waves of being stuck in the feeling. moments that were almost euphoric and moments that felt like i was drowning in that one feeling, gettig more light headed, and feeling hot, almost feverish and shivery. but i kept trying to say it and i said it quite a few times. but did it ever feel comfortable? i don't know. it was tough. definitely felt like something was getting worked through, though, and court said teh same thing after teh session. after that i think she did te muscle testing thing again and i kept floating. trance like for sure. i was so relaxed/high by now, i was a little worried i was gonna fall asleep. and i was surprised when she asked me to do something particpatory now. i had to fill in the blank on "my sexuality is determined by ___" and my first thought was "heart" which felt stupid to say, since she was literally just talking about my heart, so that's what was in my mind... i sort of started searching for a better answer but she said just whatever comes intuitively. so i said that. she did some more tapping i think? or the writst thing. i dont' know. whatever following the protocol. oh i htink she tapped on me and i said the phrase.
and then said it was actually "my sexuality is determined by my heart's wall." meaning that protective layer that came up earlier. and so she said that while she tapped on me again and what immediatley came to my mind was the phrase changed to "my sexuality is GUARDED by my heart's wall." which later she said, sounded like progress / something moving.
also felt interesting taht my bod apparently wanted to talk about sex, after shit with chris had come up with the night before and i went to bed feeling awful. and then jerel and i had sex in the morning before the body talk session (which was after a shower) and i kind of wondered if court had heard us or knew what was going on and had some kind of expectation or association of sex goign into it. but it makes sense that that's where my bod was. and it got me thinking again about wanting to open up more with jerel somehow. like what is the next level of intimacy? because i feel like with sex something is stuck for me, or it's just been a plateau for a while. i've been talking about wanting to get toys and stuff to do different kinds of play, but i htink it's more than that. i want to make it magic. maybe need to try some breathing or tantric stuff... want it to feel more transformational or transcendent. more trans ahah.
anyway i felt really relaxed and floaty afterwards. kind of exhausted but kind of refreshed. didn't want to leave the house but i'm glad we went ot cooper young festival. it was like jerel said - scooped out. uber relaxed. grounded. amazing!```````````````q1"

now i'm really hungry and it's 3:45 and i can't remember what else i wanted to write. so i hope that i got it down mostly.
going forward, i am gonna try to visualize better, especially movie related stuff that is making me anxious. i'm gonna try writing or talking to myself before i dump my anxieties/questions onto other people. power poses every day! i would also really like to try doing yoga every day again. i feel weak and distant from my bod and i don't like it. also gonna do another body talk sesssion in 3 weeks! alright!

Friday, September 06, 2019

sad ask drafts

this morning after pages i was feeling some momentum to get some stuff done... SSC stuff in that moment, but with the intention of writing later and maybe even doing this fundraising ask, or a sideways one, or something. jerel came in and asked, did i see that the class was full. no. what? they just checked the website, or i guess i had left the tab open on their laptop. beth maiden's alternative tarot course is officially full. i was planning to email her today, to at least explain my situation and see if she could give me a discount or set up a payment plan or SOMETHING. but i waited too long. hesitated. let everyone else's voices get in my fucking head. i hate this. so of course i immediately turned all grumpy. it does'nt help that i'm bleeding right now. that was about 2 or 3 hours ago, now, and i'm still grumpy. but i felt determined to keep my plan to write instead of sinking into some video game wormhole or something. i will have time for that tonight, because i've already decided i'm not going anywhere.
i was supposed to be taking a break from SSC for a couple days, but i couldn't do it. i don't feel that i'm allowed to do it. i remembered we have a meeting scheduled for monday, and unless i explicilty ask people to come prepared, they won't be. to ask them to come prepared means organizing music files and making sure all the lyrics are easy to find and read and writing a nice but firm email and.... anyway it takes a while. nothing is simple.
now i'm trying to "relax" with dr pepper and indie pop in the living room, keyculating away. damn i love this thing. should've written more songs on here. maybe can still write some dialogue on it.
i'm sad about the movie. i just wanted a break after the big writing meetings on sunday and monday. but then had to finish that grant on tuesday and wednesday. did i get a break yesterday? perhaps! ....nah i was listening ot the "fast travel" demo and considering what kind of feedback i should give to kat, if any. she doesn't have any specific questions so, i'm wondering if i should just let it be, although there's plenty of feedback i COULD give. mainly, that she's added so many breakdowns that it doesn't even feel like a patter song anymore. i feel like she's getting carried away with all these songs, making them fun for herself (which is good) but forgetting how they are suppoed to function in the story and on screen. and this one is now five minutes long! holy shit that's too long!
i just want to get this damn movie out of my head for two seconds without having to stuff another story in there. can i not be in my own mind????
what was i even wanting to say. i don't know. i had been thinking about writing a facebook post but now it feels really emo. maybe i'll try. what do i even want to say?

artist friends, how do you do it? how do you stay motivated and continue to make work in this hell world, how do you find the time and the energy and the money?
i pick up shit "for a living." i sell my labor to the medical school and to pet parents. i work unpaid 30 hours a week as director/producer of a short film. i cannot ask the rest of the crew to be this dedicated. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO SAY.
i guess what i had wanted to say was a roundabout way of asking for money. ohyeah.

so i recently had to turn down the opportunity to take a course i was really exicted about because of a lack of time and funds. even if i could have paid for the course itself, i don't feel like i would've had the time/energy to commit to it, between my various gigs and the unpaid (constant, ocassionally fun) work i do making SPACE SUBMARINE COMMANDER.
between my various jobs, paid and unpaid.
i'm frustrated and i don't know how to fix this. i don't even want ot talk to facebook. i miss the old internet.

i miss my blog and the old internet. i just don't feel like i can share the same way on facebook. writing on here feels like trying to tell secrets through a megaphone in a crowded cafeteria lit by 100000 fluorescent lights and i'm sick of it! i'm sick of a lot of things. one of those things is feeling like i'm working all the time and still broke and that much of that work goes unseen. so taking all that into consideration, i'm considering starting a patreon. my intention is to use it kind of like my old blog, with rambly writing and links to Good Art and Music, with the addition of updates about SPACE SUBMAIRNE COMMANDER, tarot and other witchy stuff, and hopefully some clown/performance sketches. heck, i'm even thinking of restarting my penpal project! The Art Party could come be reborn!!!
I DONT KNOW i want to do it all, yall. and i have been struggling to figure out HOW and WHERE and all that. i wonder if patreon would be a good space for all these things to come together. if i did such a thing, would anyone be interested in subscribing? thinking of starting at $1 and going up to $20 or something. what kind of posts would you be most excited to see?