Saturday, June 23, 2018

run with the wolves and make art

respond !

be wild

be stupid

if you're thinking too much you're not able to be creative

don't use fear to avoid the river

work EVERY DAY no matter what

notebooks. pens. pockets.

get the fuck off the internet

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

fucking today why

saw on the calendar that today is the new moon. it's june. which means that today is the one year anniversary of chris cheating on me (to my knowledge) and also leaving me. no wonder i have felt like hell all day. and now my heart is racing and my mind is fuzzy and all the other stupid shit that happens when i get triggered. my throat closing. my eyes blurring. the whole deal. i just want to lie down but i have so much to do. i guess it's better to stay busy than to wallow.

also my cat has been gone since before the storm last night and i'm very worried.
why in the fuck do i think i can be everywhere at once
why can't i pay attention when people are supposed to listen to me
why can't i pay attention when i'm supposed to hear anyone

what the fuck is wrong with you.
why do you sound miserable and whiny all the time.
no one wants to be friends with a depressive or someone who is constantly complaining. this is not news.
you look back at the night, the day, the week, the month, and you remember conversations but not where you were. like your mouth just opens and the shit flies out without you intending it to.
maybe medication can fix this.
how the fuck do you fix this? being unintentionally negative whiny complaining. being never in your mind or body. being automatic fool forever. how the fuck do you fix something so far gone

Tuesday, June 05, 2018

to try to write a line

i've made a home out of my chair
a cave in my room
it's not as if i don't care
it's just i can't move

i get mixed up
i feel fucked up

i put the pressure on it. i thought maybe if i got to this place after two beers and some smokes and a bug collaprsing on my shoulder and a possum in the bush and the smoke in my eyes and the bugs dancing around the light i thought i could set the mood and the keyculator would work its magic. it doesn't hmake the magic. the smoke blows back into my nose and eyes while i type and it's not very fun. this is not a glamorous life. why does this bug want to keep dying on my shoulder? flailig on the pavement, then my shoulder, and repeat.
i'm astounded by the things i don't notice. i think of myself as an astute person but i'm barely awake and living. there's so much in my head i can't stand. i've made my own undoing.

the day is new and fresh with life
i've seen all my mistakes
there's no reason to return to strife
now that i know the stakes

at the end of the tunnnel
at the other side
if i can get through this
if i can keep a ride
there's nothing at the bottom
there's nothing at the top
there's nowhere like a button
to keep you in your lock
they'll try to blame you
they'll try to tame you
they'll try to change you
they'll try to frame you
you were there in the chair. you were there and you were thinking. you were thinking you were sitting you were waiting you were wanting. you wanted everything. you saw everything. the visions came and stayed. you wanted it all. and you wanted it all at once, right now, here, instant, evolution, propulsion. you were sitting and thinking and it wasn't ever going to be good enough. you had plans but you couldn't figure them into action at the same time. you had dreams but you surrendered to memes. your body sinks and shrivels into a familiar cushion dent. you know you came but you haven't went. your hand finds its familiar place picking at your head. your hand moves to your mouth and your fingers taste like lead. the crashing in the bushes creates rushes down yr spine. you tell yrself it's nothing but yr afraid at the same time. when all you want's a possum but the humans run yr mind. please be. please don't be. please be. please don't be.
i think the trick is not to look.
i think the trick is cricked crook.
i think i want a fishing hook.
yes yes it's true hte words come fast
when yr eyes arent on full blast
the light's deceptive, bright, and cruel
sending yr brain straight back to school
and what a hell and what a mess and do your best and get recess
and yes plese keep on that new dress
and wonder why yr hair's a mess
lady lady lady lady lady
wherefore art thou
lady lady lady lady lady
screaming as a cow
the sow without the baby
the screaming of a lady
the sow whose stolen baby
flown off to run rain yr meat

don't let yrself think about it
just keep going
yr in the drinking
yr into thinking
there's bugs that's flying
and bodies sighing
yr own is wanting
you feel it haunting
yr tongue is heavy
yr fingers steady

best of all i love that darling maiden
who is standing at my bed feet
best of all you laid the bed you made in
and curled up yr own bed sheets
you wish you never thought again
you wish you thought it all
you wish you couldve again began
beofre this same damn fall
now the lights have run past their scene
and scattered the critters gone
and even if it means it's time for me to leave
i'll be damn sure those lights turn off
come back my friend the possum babe
come back my friend raccoon
come back my friend the little junebug
come see if we see the moon

finally the lights are gone
andf finally w're free
and finally my mouth is open
for finally my words can sing

now here a different problem.
the woreds in the air and myh hands move along them
the clouds in the skhy and the beer in the cup
no one ever concined yyou about growing up
it all semed a plot and a ploy to fall in
why not canter, why not banter, why not never fal in
i'm still not convinced they've got more in their cup
when they're winsome, when they lose some, when the grown ups grow up

as if i can keep cracking my neck to make thw ords come
as if i can keep asking the mirror make me handsome
my pants could light a fire but never if i got some
imagine if i wasn't the loose change that makes you choose one
what a bitch what a bitch to epxect others to seelect
what abitch to expect others will select
what a bitch to insist that someone edit
what a bitch in our midst ther's no closer you can get
alright ibreahte you
alright i hear you
alright alright
there's no going over

ifthe truth is that everyone is borede with you
how are you going to wake up
if the truth is that you have nothing to say
how can you
how can you
be better
be better

i've made a home out of my chair
a cave in my room
i've cradled something i can't bare
i've shoulderered too soon
i've gone off the goose
but you know there's no pan

and in the screams of the night
how can i make it right
my hands clack along
i cant write a song
i cant find a way up
i cant find a way out
my fingers crack and coil
my mind shuts a shout
there's nothing i can hear
there's nothing i left out
if i could only stand up
i'd know what i'm about

if i can' tbegin
if i can't begin
if i can't begin

some days i dream i have it all
some nights i dream i never fall
some skies i scream to build a wall
some times i know i scribble scrawl
some things i know i can't recall

i had teh memory ocnce but it's gone
i had the mission once but oh god
wishing i was just living now
stood up once but then i sat down

listen i saw it
lithe light i saw it
listen i remember a thing no one taught
listen i learned a new thing i forgot
if i can see it i can be it
if i can know it i can go tehre
if you can see me that could be me
if you believe me i can be me
keep kissing keep kissing all the hard joints
keep missing keep missing all the true points
i've seen the light and i want that bright
i want that shine and i'll make it mine
it's easy now that i've tried a line
this greasy cow and its medicine
just give it hope and i'll give its shine
the ducks apluss with turpentine
you well remember tasting old wine
you wish you weren't so serpntine

how how how
if only if only if only
a click to say the longest feels
a clack to replace healthy meals