Monday, March 31, 2003

crammed into a safe place
me: fit between new and newer
between the sky + the pavement
between the cartoon elf faery pixie angel
between safety i found with you
and the danger i knew was there but never saw
i love this tilted edge
i am free in the cold silk air
my heart catches fire
comfort is
being quietly stuck between love
and the jagged infinity
racing through the streets
in a car that has been familiar until now
being LOUD and firmly me
hanging into night air's cradle
over rolling asphalt
while slick yellow lines chase each other down forever
i'm in a state
in a theatre
in a lap
in laughter
in bliss
i am happy
this is where i want to be
a perfect medium
pain vs. beauty
i would rather watch you and say i wasted my time
right now we are different people
internally changed
by sparks + presence
with thick love nearby
clouds that have been passing us by
are clouds we are now lounging in
the ice we have been hanging on
melts to reveal thin shoots of beauty
stuck to the roof of
the place where our dreams are waiting for us
our bodies are heavy with our skin on tight
unchangeable we are stuck in
we are NOT stuck in life
we have places to go, people to meet
you can't define us while we are still in the making
look at where we're headed
we have creations to make, people to be
you can't stop us now

march 31 in mythology

Saturday, March 29, 2003

fallnpoet: ok i hope u stop crying soon

aLittleStarlight: so do i

fallnpoet: please dont

i like that. write about it.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

i lean over the railing to see
her initials spiraling down the twisted staircase
close cropped haircut from the top
makes me smile
and at the same time i notice
she's standing behind me
close cropped elf
staring down the back of my head
my silent statements drown on twisted staircase
she can't hear what i'm not saying to her
because of all the noise in here
i back out
into impersonal vanilla-filled flowers
and i'm sent
right back out
chasing down the girl who ran
we've got to get out of this
she's got to get out
she got out
i'll remember today as cutting class into slices with her
and chewing reality's numb bones
in our tiny white-bread white-bred teeth
until we were sick to our stomachs with melancholy melodrama
and burning constant invisible tears into the dirt of a tired world
we back in
to imperfection within stiff specificity
trying to hide our sores
even locked into sterile cubicle-boxed minds
we could still soar

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

i am looking for a glimpse of you
in the hall
by your locker
within classrooms
i memorized your schedule
and i've changed the flow of my day
just to see the wool on the back of your sweater
flying away from me down stairs
i'm creeping up behind you
breathing you in
breathing you deep
why do you run
we are just alike
we are monsters together
hearts racing secretly
hiding in cages in our chests
fingers reach out stealthily
through blackness toward each other
we make red
light shooting sparks
blows my cover
you are worth my exposure
we are worth this
now where is the paparazzi?

Saturday, March 22, 2003

as you can somewhat gather from the last post, elise, morgan, and i attended a DiY workshop at MeDiA Co-op earlier today, where we were hugely honored, even if they did make a mistake about morgan's age. the workshop was great. we're consiering buying final cut express and i think we are going to try using mics on our next project that will require them. which will probably be what morgan is focusing on right now -- retold fairy tale(s). everything is going great but we aren't being very tasky, which is sad. we didn't get as much accomplished over spring break as we had hoped, but we filmed a little for elise's movie, and at least we got some supplies for robin's. katherine is having ram issues with adobe premiere, so her elmer tribute has yet to be editted, and her music video is on a very long hiatus. as for me... editting rabid beaver broke my soul, and i don't even want to look at it to put the finishing touches on it. and until i get it off the harddrive, i don't really have space for something else. and some time soon i also intend to edit what was filmed of the play that elise, morgan, and i were in a month ago, country spacecraft ballerina. i'm also trying to film what i can of elise's movie on my own, and basically trying to get everyone else to remain tasky!

god, why do i have to do everything?!
The following is taken from MeDiA co-op's "Filmmakers to Study (diy pioneers)" written by Morgan Fox: (and we retyped it like he did.)

Do You Know Where Your Children Are Productions

(Memphis, TN)

This is one of the most exiting things the city of Memphis has seen in years in reference to a film scene. Do You Know Where Your Children Are Productions is a group of aspiring filmmakers ranging in age from 11 [12] to 16. Before you assume anything, watch their films. Before you ever say you can't do it, watch their films, before you ever do their films, and watch out, because they're young, inspired, and talented as hell. "Recognized filmmakers" at the 2002 MeDiA Co-op digital filmfest, with the premiere of Romeo and Juliet revisited, an approximately 17min short film compiled entirely by the troupe was a smashing success to large audiences. With the troupes new series of music videos, each directed by a different member of the group, and all pieced together, and for the most part filmed by editing Genius Alanna Stewart, has shown their continual evolution of stylistic experimentation and general openness to growth of technique and form. Watch out, these genius youngsters roam the streets armed with camcorders and creative visions daily, waiting for their next project to unfold.

Their films are in the MeDiA Co-op archives


Thursday, March 20, 2003

i am watching my life as a movie
out of the picture
i see her in the hallway
we don't make eye contact
actually she didn't see me at all
i saw her from miles away
section Z up in the balcony
up there the actors can't see me
i am walking in a story book
pasted on the picture
cut out and walking through some scene
no one can touch me
i am not here
in glass beside my eye
my hair's reflected in the sky
i think if a plane were to appear
it would make more of an impact on me
than anyone down here
i sit here all fucking day just staring into space no smile on my face. what the fuck am i writing? i am trying to escape from the latin language and ms. haughton's evil eye. but it's a good day because i made a couple people laugh even though i annoyed several more. i always just wanted to create some emotion get some response as long as i'm still me. it's not that i feel like it's my duty to be happy. i enjoy it so much i can't waste this 2o minute oasis like i wasted this paper. i think this girl i know hates me now. i was always afraid of this because she is so fiercely adamant about hating someone but she is so nice when she's talking to them. there were always two kinds of food-throwing situations. friends as jokes or she's sick of that person she wants to throw some baby carrots to signify how mad she is and laugh it off. she threw fruit at me during lunch. it's kind of funny but i don't think she meant it kindly this time. i think she doesn't want to tell me to go away because for that she would have to speak real words to me. that's okay. i liked my 2o minutes.
fuck! i lied. i just smiled.
something funny happened and i didn't even see it, but cody behles who looks like a teddy bear, burst into a huge quick laugh so different from his usual giggle. plus i'm bored of gladiators and this day is too long.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

i couldn't not notice the daffodils this morning
i'm falling in love with spring
a betrayal, i know
summer season love
has always been so obviously automatic
but now
i'm falling out of my own winter
seeing beauty
sensing love
a betrayal
but hey maybe i'll find that
summer is even more amazing
now that life is
and shouldn't my favorite season
reflect my state?
environment inside and out
my inner season is starting to leak out
pouring green over trees
licking up baby violets
smell the roses
spring is coming

Monday, March 17, 2003

i know you are scared
me too
i am scared out of my mind
and widly thrilled
you are afraid of kissing me
i am afraid of kissing
i am trying to act calmly
i have to contain this fear
i have to prove that i am better
than what came before
i will not make their mistakes
i have to show composure
because when you sound so sad
i need to make it better
beautiful purring voice raining tears into my answering machine
are you okay what's wrong what can i do
no i don' t know i don't know
i can't stand to stand by
while you are drowning
i don't have any remedies for problems
that can't be named
that i wouldn't understand
that are too big for my tiny body
yes i am blaming this on my family too
my little hands are dad's
granny gave me tiny feet
hell, we're all too short
i am a greyhound
shrinking i can fit myself to you
curled up small in the curves
please keep pouring your tears in me
my tiny body is still so empty
i need to know that you
aren't keeping your Issues in
i am scared to death of fucking up
i am scared of just me
i am scared that you will realize that i'm not what you
thought / expected / wanted
i am wrong
you just wait
but don't worry
i am going to leave the phone on
i am going to leave the window open
i am going to be there for you
inevitably available
your blazing fingers sing
we're on fire now
the waiter set my plate down
"thank you" as i'm contemplating
what the fuck i ordered
i rotate the plate to see if this
is more manageable from another angle
mom is smiling secretly
she reveals that
she knows
she is okay with everything
like i knew she would be
but over lunch because of one
silly mistake my sister made?
while she's sipping brown ale and
i'm trying to figure out
how to bite into my sandwich
funny because nothing has happened
we are just doing what we have been doing
plus talking
it's just a proposal
i am insistent.
mom says
"my january baby's growing up
my little girl's in love"
but she's always been
such a silly woman
and hopelessly romantic
so i don't know how to act around my family
they have never known something so big about me
i am so good at keeping hidden
and when this was right in front of them
did they see?
it took a little nudge from a poem
that accidentally got left in their line of vision
not even my mistake
because i know how to wipe my tracks
as i'm running away backwards
so i'm on stage melting under bright lights
performing a facimile of my life
i have forgotten how i used to be
i have forgotten my act
i'm trying to seem normal as usual
i have forgotten how to be around her
and i know they can see it now
when i lay against her shoulder
i hope at least they have a memory of who they think i am
that they can reteach to me
so "hi mom!" here's a shoutout to my family
the nosy noisemakers discovering me in here
back again? who let you in?
we'll get a bouncer for this haven
"All right, people, let's go somewhere else." Ironic that he even calls us "people" because the way he says it, he obviously doesn't believe that his words are intended for actual "people." We are never "people." We don't ask so much. Every morning Coach Fucking Brooks wants us to "move along" speaking generically into the air and onto the heads a foot or so below his level. Hey Coach, what's wrong with us right here? Are we in somebody's way? Sure, we are standing by some lockers but we are ready and willing to scoot over if some kid needs his books. Where are we supposed to go? Is there a designated spot in this huge school that we don't know about where we're allowed to see our friends before homeroom? Shouldn't it be okay to just be us for a few minutes before we slide back into the daily grind, just to have this one moment? Each of us could walk to our various homerooms in thirty seconds or less. We've been to our lockers. We've got no particular place to be. So Coach Brooks, where the fuck are we SUPPOSED to be? I don't want to be listening to the gory little details of my locker partner's Floridian spring break and I know she won't ask me about mine once she is fucking done, two minutes before the bell rings. Hey I can't see my friends after school. They're busy at Bridge Builders and Mock Trial and Model UN meetings. Plus, we were working so hard on AP applications a week ago, and with all these projects and essays on the weekends... No, these are "people" who don't have time for me outside school. But remember, this is White Station! We are too busy with Extra-Curricular Activities and racking up the Service Hours to have friends! Much less, TALK to them! Heaven forbid, what if we actually got to SEE them sometimes? Oh no, what if we fell that far off our Spartanian horses? What if that happened? We wouldn't get into the right colleges, and we would lead terrible, poor lives! Lives of LOVE, not MONEY!! Because "people" are money, school is money, SUCCESS is money! And didn't you know? Success is power. Success is me in a suit. Success is my husband coming home from a hard day at the office to his loving wife and kids, and a great from-scratch Southern meal. I will be successful!! Fuck yr Princeton! Give me community!!! But look at these "people," they are beautiful individuals. We are writers and artists and we're going to make movies together. We're going to get married and move to California. FUCK YOU, COACH! YOU CAN'T COME!
on St. Patrick's Day
my homeroom teacher says that
the rule about getting pinched
if you're not wearing green
only applies if you're Irish
so he's circling the room
interrogating us
with evil fingers waiting
then he's at my desk and
i won't look up until he's in my face
i'm the only person who got asked two questions
i wonder why that is
Are you Irish?
Are you okay?
hey what could i say otherwise?
"no i'm very not okay.
i'm definitely awful"
in front of unforgiving eyes
i'm supposed to reveal
how alone i feel
my terrible weekend
pain because i am unloved
mentally abused
no friends
no love
i am supposed to tell that to
the bald man in the pale green shirt?
i don't think so.
but i lied anyway
Yeah, I am Irish.
No, I am more than okay.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

i am wearing your jacket
because it smells like you
so i can close my eyes
and pretend that it's you making me warm
and not this piece of cloth
that you left lying in my room
hey you left a piece of you over here
hey you left pieces in my head too
hey you are everywhere
filling me up
and i like you like that
whenever i move
you're drifting through the room
i want your hands in my hair in your lap in the park
i want always to see you when i open my eyes
i want grin-filled mornings in mid-afternoon
i want waiting for you to wake on our cloud
i want studying your elbow and your twitching toes
i want you to be there soft
like your jacket
but even more soothing and
able to return my hugs
no flimsy cotton could
beat your comfort form
the zipper here could
never giggle back with me
i'm burying my face in your scent
wishing you were here
your angel wings cover us on our cloud
your angel skin covers me in their place
warm angel, your shoulder blades are wings
beating within you
beating your heart
i could hear them when i lay there
with my ear against your chest
my own breath fluttering weakly alongside
catch myself in solace
finding us in gold
glistening star-girl suspended in night sky
come down to me
wrap me up inside your arms
your feathers will stick after you let go

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

i'm so so sorry
did i really become what i hate?
i don't want that to be inevitable
i don't want to think that happens
i don't want the breakfast club
i'm sorry i didn't approach you
i'm sorry for not saying sorry
i was careless and
i acted out of self-entertainment
this is what i hated
when their basketballs hit me
and they were too interested in the game
to apologize
and on the bleachers no one was sitting next to me
to ask if i was okay
so i had no one to lie to
i'm so so sorry
for classing myself in their ranks
for being associated with them
if i sent you home unhappy
a terrible end to a terrible day
i reassured myself that
you were fine
you were standing with friends and comfort
and you weren't
and even if i didn't say it then
i was so so sorry
teach me not to be like them
drinking devil coffee
on an icy, silver star
shivering and burning
sitting on cold stone
scorching though i'm froze
a place where i don't have to feel
what's in me or what is real
i will believe you!
if you make me better
just buy me coffee
to keep me sane
pour it nicely over me
when i'm not thinking i am free
freezing slow perfectly
wish i was a filthy ice queen
don't you believe me?
well can't you fix this?
i'll make you hate me!
don't want to know it
don't care for love
can't stand no pain
must numb my heart
make my soul burn
i do it nicely

Monday, March 03, 2003

i am dumb
i can't remember how to look at you
i don't live up to what i am supposed to
i don't live up to you
so i made up my stubborn mind
got some congratulations
got some reprimands
and now i have rethought myself
yeah, i'm so sure
so sure and
feeling stupid for my decision
and the reasons i gave
how i thought in my head
it made sense at the time
but spoken and
i hate myself
yeah yeah yeah nothing unusal
nothing new get on with the show
well let me tell you
i am headed for the stars
aren't we all?
this is not my path
this is not my decision
this is the closet i've come to peer pressure
so i'm caving in
who says i don't want
to be my friends?
i'd forgotten how much that means to me. how it cheered up my whole day. movies.... a little silly but it's something for me to love, something that we all connect with, put our positive energy into. with camera in hand i don't have to go to college. i can live in memphis forever -- the next digital savvy generation. i will sleep on these couches. i will exist in this office. i will survive in this theatre. imagine me editting away in that exact chair. me borrowing their tripods. (no, i will be loaning MINE to fresh-faced kids with dreams and dreams and dreams like MINE.) me popping organic popcorn, living on jelly beans, putting money into this thing i believe in so entirely that i will give up some luxuries for my cause. who needs TV and commercial cinema when there are indepedent films to be had? to be created? i would give up some baths if i could take part in making something beautiful. i'm on the road, i've already given up a meal or two just to enjoy their company. so why am i even considering making next year hell? you actually want me to give up my time to things i don't care about, even if it means missing their tuesday night workshops again? it will make my life hell and i will have no room to be free.
in 3 years
3 months
and 3 days
the date will be 666
by then
where will i be?
i want to be living with her
in California
Anaheim, San Francisco, LA
perusing gender studies
attending photography
cinematography classes
the girls who were never good at anything
finally fly on waves of film
we will flash a new light on our lives
and capture beauty in tiny darkrooms
we will make the world through a lens make sense
we will be looking at a big sky through the camera's eye
me and you