Saturday, December 27, 2003

becca, i figure i'm not going to speak to you again before we leave, so here's the tracklist for the mix i gave you... it's strange because i made it so quickly. sorry, dear.
01) lunachicks - jan brady
02) tragically hip - hockey song
03) stratford 4 - hydroplane
04) the moonbabies - we're layabouts
05) sarah dougher - no-handed
06) the kills - hitched
07) stina nordenstam - the diver
08) loquat - swingset chain
09) rhett miller - nervous heart
10) mecca normal - ice floes aweigh
11) gomez - we haven't turned around
12) kristin hersh - cathedral heat
13) sarah harmer - you were here
14) jen faith - microorganism
15) loki - six feet of space
16) murmurs - squeezebox days
17) team dresch - remember who you are
18) pj harvey - yuri-g
19) mineral - gloria
20) ember swift - boinked

(make your own mix!! click on the track numbers to download mp3s of the listed songs, orrr click on the parentheses up next to the title to get a different song by the same artist. either way, you are well on your way to having a complete cd.)

listening to: throwing muses - pretty or not
i've been such a bad poster, what with christmas and all...
i guess i will cut down on my cheap time and just say what i got:
-ipod! (santa)
-earrings (santa)
-eggplant shaker (santa)
-bubble wrap (to make my stocking look fuller than it was)
-new placebo album (morgan)
-director's series (dad)
-lovely pillow (mom)
-uniform clothes (mom)
and i can't think of anything else. it was a nice slow day, and i played with my ipod a lot. hooray. today i woke up and finished becca's gift and dropped it off at her house. i wish she'd been there, so that i could say goodbye before i leave, and so that i could explain that gift... aha oh well. then mom and i went to animax to get a present for my cousin luke, and i called brock to find out when i could see him. we were rapidly leaving his district, plus i didn't really have anything for him yet, so we went to the drum shop and bookstar where i got him a banana shaker, a music magazine, and a terry pratchett book (which was mom's idea). he got me the missy elliott album, which i am excited to listen to.
we picked him up and he came over for the rest of the lovely night. we watched a lot of my director's series video thingies, and we LOVE michel gondry. chris cunningham is creepy, and i was kind of disappointed with spike jonze. i can't wait to get other stuff from this label. it's a really awesome idea, and just what i've been really into lately. plus we love bjork because not only does she have great music, she is adorable. oh le sigh. so we did that, and just hung out in general, and acted silly, and ate pizzas. eileen came over for a few hours, too, so that she could see morgan before we left town. oh i love that little mushroom girl. i wish she could come over more often. we all went and danced in the street. brock threw leaves into the light of the streetlamp and it was beautiful. i love all those kids. we should live in a big house on a hill, with moss and cameras.
"come here baby, let me kiss you like a guy does!" -- kathleen hanna

listening to: bikini kill - new radio

Thursday, December 25, 2003

i'm wayyyyy too lazy to blog... hung out with brock and morgan last night. i can't remember what happened. all i know is i've got christmas eve nugnug juice, i finished editting that fucking movie, and i have finished enough presents to last through tomorrow. i deserve so much fucking sleep. and someone to snuggle with in my cold, empty bed. oh i'm so lonely on christmas eve. not fair.

listening to: rainer maria - put me to sleep

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

christ i'm going nuts with editting... and you're all sick of hearing about it.

listening to: the b-52's - planet claire (for the millionth time)
i am wearing my fun winter socky things and EDITTING EDITTING EDITTING like a madwoman

listening to: alex-"no rhythm"-ander on the djembe

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

" and i are both ugly...." -- quoth my dear sister
oh i love her. that thing made my day. i haven't laughed so hard in a millenia.
i stayed up till damn 2am editting... i just couldn't stop -- until nsync came on. then i ran to bed.
i am being forced to a haircut appointment this afternoon and i don't know what to do. i'll probably just shove my head at susan and say "SNIP SNIP!" we'll see.

break things to do:
-edit country spacecraft ballerina
-edit cindy movie
-edit much finer
-shoot documentary about our relatives
-help morgan work on her animation video
-get my driving permit
-hang out with all my lovers
-cd shopping with brock
-make photos for mom
-buy/make presents for like 30 people
-wrap presents
-somehow find time for christmas

listening to: the fellowship of the ring
katherine and i are ALMOST done with "much finer." we finally have all the shots and everything is ready to be done. if only if only.

everyone has been filming madly over the past few days to finish our cinderella remake. now we're incredibly tired and katherine is out of town, so editting hasn't started yet. but when it does... look out.

Monday, December 22, 2003

just talked to brock on the phone for almost 3 hours. played yoshi. absolutely mutilated my neck. made a mile-high pile of cat hair. found lots of bruises and discovered that my knee is also turning pink. times are good.

listening to: liars - we live NE of compton
we hung out around cooper-young and had a chat over cheese fries. i also had a therapy appointment today. i definitely don't want to talk about that, though. mom is making me edit "country spacecraft" because she wants to take it to the relatives. woo boy. i've got another hour to edit or something. fuck.

listening to: blue mountain - let's go runnin'
i've killed the movie and i don't know how. i stayed up way later than i meant to. again. i have had a horrible day. i think i will go die.
my leg is itching like hell. it's been doing this on and off every few hours for the last couple weeks. i don't know if i have mentioned it. that itch on my chest never went away either. i am starting to get itches/red spots on all the places where i have birthmarks. it's very strange. brock keeps telling me to get it looked at. he thinks i'm full of cancer.

listening to: chicks on speed - for all the boys in the world

Sunday, December 21, 2003

i should have had the greatest day. it seems like a day entirely full of phone calls, movies, and partying should be entirely great. i guess it was the lack of sleep, but for most of today i was really unhappy. the majority of the time i probably didn't seem unhappy because i was trying to make the best of it. but damn. i felt constantly either annoyed, lonely, or depressed.... i think i should go to bed earlier tonight.
after i woke up this morning, i called brock to see about being my "date" to zoe's party (which he could not be), and katherine to see about filming. i ended up on the phone for a large part of the day, until katherine came here around 2. i was going to zoe's party at 3, and working to finish her gift (the liner notes for a cd of becca's show). katherine and morgan were somewhat distracting in getting it done, and then the printer was being a murderer, so it was 4:30 before me and mom (the only family members who ended up going to the party) got there and we only stayed for about 40 minutes. it was nice getting to see zoe, however briefly. we got back home, where katherine and morgan were attempting to edit the movie. sallis came over at 5:30 and we shot his and morgan's scenes. brock came around 7 and we shot his and morgan's scene. sallis left to pick up allison -- we had devised an evil plot to get her to my house. at about 4, allison and called and said her dad wouldn't let her come to film, just whitney hubbard's party at 8. we were like "WHAT THE FUCK" so we got him to drop her off at the hotel where the party was half an hour early so that sallis could come get her and we could film the last scenes of the movie. it was way too complicated, and i was already irritated.
luckily, everything worked out and we got everything shot. at 9, katherine's dad picked up lauren henry and then got everyone (except sallis, who went home, and morgan, who stayed home) from my house and took us to the party. i hadn't really thought about what the party was going to be like, so i can't say that it wasn't what i expected. it's what i SHOULD have been expecting, and i wish i'd thought about it beforehand because if i had, i wouldn't have gone. it was basically just undanceable hiphop music and strange punch. katherine, lauren, allison, brock, and i danced in a little clump to the best of our ability. it got really really really old though. we stood around. we attempted more dancing. there was sex on the dancefloor which allison filmed. etc etc. brock and i got bored off our asses and went to get cake, but as we were about to sit, a song he really liked came on so he went to dance for a few songs. he had a great time doing... i won't say what. but he's also very much a people watcher. later on, it really bothered me that when the five of us were dancing his head was constantly turned around. oh well. people notice him.
so i sat there alone with my cake and got really unhappy. that's basically it. katherine, lauren, and allison came over eventually, but it didn't really do any good. we went back out to dance after a while, like i said before. brock was doing his amazing eggbeater shake during that milkshake song, and this girl (a great dancer -- i'd been noticing her all night) came over to dance with him. apparently she was trying to grind with him but he turned around and she was like "no no no!" and he thought she had gone away or something. and then me, being a total fucking idiot, grabbed him and said in his ear "YOU'RE SO HOT!" but apparently it looked like i was going "MINE!!" and being possessive and pissed off. no wonder that girl was looking at me. i feel really bad about that. i feel like that's something brock is really concious of -- that people think we're together, so he conciously tries to avoid looking like that. and i fucked up his dance with that girl. man i'm awful.
later, we were all dancing in a group again and this guy came up and it sounded like i said "can i join in" or something so i sort of opened up a space for him in our circle. apparently, however, he was asking to dance? so he ended up with lauren. it was pretty funny, but i felt bad. also during that, i had sort of given up (again) on not having a good time and dancing my little heart out. well, as best i could to that shitty music. all i know is that some tall guy was doing some strange thing behind me and i think he was making worlds of fun of me, but i couldn't see him so. but after that i felt like an annoyed, lonely, depressed idiot. i left at 11, feeling awful. i am still in a terrible mood. god that party was a bad idea. a bad end to what would have been an at least remotely bad day. i'm annoyed at myself for not having more fun. but fuck.

listening to: le tigre - writing on the walls

listening to: le tigre - yr critique
ahhhh i'm SO excited about movies!! i don't want to write a very long post, because i want to go edit "much finer" and then import all the new footage for the new movie. last night brock, wesley, morgan, and i met up with foot and co. at paradiso to see return of the king, only to discover that jackie douglas's entire birthday crew was also there. it would've been nice to sit altogether, but what with it being sold out, it was impossible. i had a great time being Movies with brock, as per usual, and he got veeeery into it, which made me glad, because he hasn't really liked the other movies. so at least now he understands. after the movie, we stood outside with jackie's party crew, and i did my stupid Loud Obnoxious Alanna thing... i wish people would hurt me when i do that. morgan went home with foot, and shortly after i got home myself, katherine came over. we editted like mad even though it was almost midnight. we made 2am cookies and props for the movie, editted, filmed, etc. it was awesome, and even though we were up till 4 we accomplished worlds. we got up at 10am and worked some more. then we had our awesome tailgate party... it was a tiny success in its own right. i can't wait to show you guys some footage. wee! thanks SOOOOO MUCH to everyone who got to be there, and all you kids who couldn't come-- we missed you desparately. the best part was our spice girls choreography. and sallis, i made you dance! like a mutha!! i hope you don't hate me... but you were good at it. (sallis needs a lesson from kimberly. serious.) so then brock, morgan, and i came back here where brock washed off his makeup and his mom took us back to their house, where we 'babysat' wesley i.e. we talked about cartoons, i looked at his yu-gi-oh cards, and we all watched "pirates of the caribbean." this had been the night we planned to watch "y tu mama" BUT brock wanted to bring a sort of 'cover' movie from my house, and we ended up picking something wesley really wanted to watch. but it turned out very well because brock had wanted to see it anyway. we also listened to avril lavigne and laughed our asses off. ("my thoughts are so deep sometimes i can't speek" and i'm not kidding about that line.) then dad came. and here i am. and shit i've gotta edit. muthafuck.
what do i give whitney hubbard for a gift?

listening to: le tigre - get off the internet

Saturday, December 20, 2003

u of m parking lot (across from the music building)
we NEED you!!! (and a portable grill if you have one, because that would be hysterical.)
....there will be cookies....

listening to: coast to coast on 600am

Friday, December 19, 2003

i have a headache. i hope i survive lord of the rings. maybe i should shower.
i can't remember why i stayed up so late. fuck.
someone better call and wake me up.
i couldn't make any more cookies because we are out of chocolate chips.

listening to: sleater-kinney - all hands on the bad one
can everyone i know PLEASE come over and watch this pixies documentary i downloaded with me? i'm totally up for having a party for it. oh god please. that would be so much fun. probably to no one but me. but who cares about that?
brock and i are going to watch y tu mama tambien tomorrow if he can get a ride over here.... anyone is invited. please come.

listening to: sleater-kinney - good things
today was very good! i took my Ugly Cookies to school, and they were a bigger hit than i expected. becca really liked them, at least. i was really disappointed that i fucked them up again, but i think i'm going to try to make them again tonight or tomorrow. take bets on whether or not i'll fuck them up again. also, i gave tarah her present, but i don't know if she liked it. i didn't get to talk to her. oh well. i am a terrible artist anyway. i felt really silly that my make-up presents were supposed to be those cookies, and they turned out so fucking awful. i need to get real gifts. why am i so dumb? i was a super loud idiot at lunch today... i think it was the cookies and all these people i don't usually have lunch with. it would be really awesome to see them all every day (with a couple exceptions) but it made me really hyper and obnoxious, i'm sure.
i only had one exam, which i FINISHED. hell yes. that's probably because it was algebra, and we were allowed to omit two problems from every unit. that was really cool. there was one problem i couldn't figure out, and it really bothered me. aroighe. but aside from that. after study hall and algae, we had a holiday program. it was really the dumbest scheduling idea in the world. we should've had a half day to begin with, but sticking 2000 restless kids in an auditorium for a couple hours for christmas songs is ridiculous. mansfield got really pissed off at everybody being disrespectful, but what was anyone supposed to do?
thank god for kevin's hair, or else i never ever would've found him, laylee, and becca to sit with. and thank god i happened to see brock striding into the auditorium, so he and sallis came over also. katherine also appeared when the band concert was over, in which she performed a beautiful oboe solo on some lullaby christmas ditty. we filmed some silly things, and had a good time in general.
after school, we went to ms. kitts' classroom to film a scene for the new movie, and it went very well. we had time to do a few takes, both my way and katherine's way. it's nice to do that, so we can compromise later. i LOVE movies with katherine. it's too too great. since tim jackson refused the part of prince charming, brock has taken over. he is actually very good. well. he hasn't any lines yet, but. i got a feeling. ms. kitts was very very sweet and flattering as usual. she introduces me and brock as "poets," and katherine has a "dancer." since we're "filmmakers" she was kind enough to actually let us use her classroom to be really silly. i'm SO glad that allison accepted the part of cinderella, because she is HYSTERICAL. i'm a lot more excited about this than i was before today. the funny thing is that we basically have just this weekend to do the whole movie, because katherine is going out of town on monday afternoon, and we want to enter it in the international film festival. hooray! it's a lot like romeo + juliet revisted, only with a couple more days, a little more practice, bigger cast, more originality, etc. i should shut up about this, and just wait to post the movie or something. how hot is that?! oh while i'm talking about it. you can download the song we made for the scene right here.
we filmed another scene featuring katherine, alice, and brock. it was too much damn fun. we got yelled at by some black teacher lady with cow-print tweety bird car-seat covers. i rolled around in some leaves and climbed into a shopping cart that someone had abandoned (thrown) into one of those courtyard things in front of the school. then we walked to high point coffee, where katherine's mom picked us up, took alice home, and drove the three of us to my house. we sat around. i can't even remember what we did, other than a little editting and this. oh yeah, i scream/sung "little mouth" for them. i don't think i've ever done that with people actually home. but katherine was like "wow you need to front a band" and i laughed and laughed. but it got us into a music mood, and they went and found my guitar. i don't even know where that shit was. how do these people manage to navigate my house better than me? so my family had gone to see return of the king, alice and lauren h came over after a while, and we had a lovely time. we recorded aforementioned song, and it was awesome. it was a really fun, productive night. i wish every day was so nice and winter.

listening to: it's soooo fuzzyyyyy

Thursday, December 18, 2003


listening to: npr
i just wanted to pop in quickly to mention--
1) tarah gave me my christmas present today, and it is AWESOME. i love that girl. i intend to take a picture of it soon, to show off.
2) i made tarah's christmas present. it's insane how long that shit took me!! i'll post it after i've given it to her.
3) i made fucking sleepytime cookies for everyone i don't have a present for yet (the population of the universe). those bitches better appreciate alanna slaving over a stove at 11pm, licking sugar off the whisk. hot damn!

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

has it been a while since i posted? i can't remember, so i am assuming yes.
exams are going on and on and i drink my coke and jews. all i can say about chem and the lingua latina is that they're over. today i had ap engrish and ap u.s. goodbye life. each of them had a huge multiple choice section and an essay. history was WAY more painful than english. with english, if you do shitty then that's about it. there's no way you can prepare for the test, so you just sort of stare at your grades and shrug. but with history, i swear to god. i studied with margaret at her house last night, and studied the rest of the night until i fell asleep, pausing only to talk to brock on the phone. for like an hour. that's okay. so i spent the whole day, when i wasn't doing my english exam or eating, i studied history. and i think i failed. it's pissing me off, but i'm not going to let it bother me too much.
i don't really have anything else to say. only one exam tomorrow... i would just check in/out for it, but we are filming, plus katherine is playing in the holiday program. hooray! ahh remember the days of ninth grade? reminisce with me.
alice just gave me the link to mr. fox's blog. hell yes.
i need to do all my fucking christmas presents tonight. any ideas? fuck. who wants to have a solstice party ass with me? yeah you heard right. holly up the ass.

listening to: against me! - impact

Monday, December 15, 2003

i came because i thought there was something to say, but now i can't think of it. only that there's all kinds of hairs in my apple jews, and it's getting gross.
I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT MOVIES! today we worked a lot on Cindy (idea-wise, sadly) and brock had a music idea for "get off the internet" by le tigre. morgan had the idea that we should do a sort of documentary about our southern georgian relatives, featuring a making of for Rabid Beaver since the real movie got fucked up.
chemistry and latin exams tomorrow.... NOOooooo. fuck. the latin is a lot more overwhelming than i thought it would be. but i guess that's what i deserve for taking it as a joke all damn year. so now i have all this vocabulary to memorize and all these clauses and parts of speech and tenses and bullshit. i'm not even going to look at chemistry again. and you can forget "early" studying for history and algebra because fuck that's not happening. okay i need to shut up about school so that i can go do the damn work, drink my jews, and go the fuck to bed.
sorry for such a schooly post. i hate these bitches.
ck's and chemistry with becca for 5 hours makes alanna a very smoky-smelling girl. and daddy complained allllll the way home.
must chem-ate some more. ruff ruff.

listening to: documentary about altman guy

Sunday, December 14, 2003

mom asked me to see which christmas lights worked and i fucking BURNED MY HAND. TWICE. good god.
morgan threw orange rinds at me and i'm disgusted.

listening to: dexy's midnight runners - come on eileen
oh my fucking gooooddddd why am i awake?!

listening to: owl & the pussycat - blinds
i think there's coke in my hair
i'm really sorry i haven't been blogged the past couple days... to tarah, at least. she complained about lack of things to read. poor dear. i'm really mad at myself for not writing that lion king review yet. i think when i finally do it's going to suck, which is why i avoid it. because i can't really remember it as well as i'd like. god damn. also, i have comments now! again! it's sick how many times i've had them and taken them away. but sallis and becca said they wanted some, so we're going to try it out again. but every time people say they want them, they get underused and depressed me. so we'll see how it works out.
last night brock came over right after i discovered that the tv in the comic room was indeed alive. morgan and i thought it had been broken for like a year, and in truth she had just unplugged it. ahahahahah. okay i thought htat was funny. so brock and i played donkey kong and it was awesome. then we got restless and walked to midtown foods, were we collectively bought some chips, oreos, fig newtons, and a coconut. brock got really impatient about taking it home, and as soon as we got outside the store, he whacked it against the concrete. of course the thing exploded and there was coconut milk everywhere. brock suddenly became very lax about his no-other-lips-on-my-liquid rule. it was great. coconut is not that exciting, other than the shape and the cracking. i don't like the flavor of fake coconut, as things go, but real coconut tastes like nothing. at any rate, it's in my fridge if anyone wants some.
we watched lilo and stich, ate camy's pizza, then watched waiting for guffman. it was a really laidback kind of night, which was nice. i fell asleep literally minutes after brock left, at around 11.
morgan woke me up way too early this morning with her stupid bathwater running. agoihea. that's okay. i had a strangely funny dream about brock. all i remember is that he, morgan, her friend (could've been eileen?), and i were hanging out at our house, and then brock's mom came to get him a lot earlier than normal. we were all sad that he had to go, so she invited us back to their house for a while. in a room that i guess was supposed to be brock's, even though it was huge and not his room, we just sort of hung out or something in a way that we all fell asleep with morgan and eileen(?) on a windowseats on opposite sides of the room, and brock and i asleep on two beds pushed together in the middle. or maybe they were only pushed together when we woke up. i don't really know. so we did indeed wake up, and we were randomly alone and probably cuddling. we talked for a bit and suddenly there was this director shouting at us to start our lines. we were supposed to be doing this romantic scene. it was pretty funny. we would say this huge intense dramatic love lines and then be sort of whispering through gritted teeth how awkward it was, or how awful the director was. our scene was supposed to culminate in a kiss, but i think we somehow got too excited and overdid it. what a funny little dream.
today was Cleaning Day so that we have room for a christmas tree in the house, which we are going to get tomorrow. i did a pretty good job, in my way. i guess we all did, until we gave up. like always. aha. so around 1:30 becca called and invited me to borders to study chemistry, which i have an exam for on tuesday, so i was like hells yes! i really wanted to get out of the house, and it'd be awesome to do that in the presence of becca ...not to mention that i needed the studying. we got quite a bit done, even though we got really wrapped up in talking for a little while. it's really hard to study with someone who you don't see a whole lot because you sort of have to catch up with your talking, or something feels unfair. and either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time. she had to babysit at 5, so her dad came to get her at like 4:30. morgan's friend chase mistook me for morgan. it was very cute. his mom recognized me from grahamwood, which is funny. i always think it's funny when people recognize me. and even more funny when people mistake me for morgan! god damn! we do NOT look that much alike, and this is from a kid who sees her every damn day. i also ran into wenli and melissa t, and i got to talk to them a little. wenli asked me what she should get for brock, and i felt like such a WIFE. it was funny, especially since lately people keep saying stuff about us as Unit. morgan especially is always saying that we act married. i think people only point it out a lot because we're different genders, though.
which reminds me. brock's dad called me a dyke. HAHAHA.
today was okay though. after i went home, i just talked to brock, then laylee, then no one, then brock again on the phone. it was very very lazy, and full of yoshi. then i helped morgan with her mix cd christmas presents until brandon called, and i talked to him until about 1:20. lying in the bed and talking made me REALLY REALLY tired but as soon as i got up to hang up the phone, i lost tiredness. so i came to blog and this was supposed to make me tired, but i don't know if it's working because now i'm talking to zoe and i don't feel like i can just leave her all sad here. we'll see. god i love this album.

listening to: neutral milk hotel - oh comely

Thursday, December 11, 2003


okay break for a minute--
robitussin am: seriously. we could take over the world
robitussin am: or at least the greater metropolitan area
robitussin am: i don't think you understand our combined potential

listening to: the make up - c'mon, let's spawn

so last night i hurt my eye somehow.. i don't really know. but i felt like it just had something in it so i took a really damn long shower trying to get it out. but it would not get out. mom said it looked like i had cut it somehow... and that brock had called, so we had a really really nice long conversation until 10:30. then he had to go to bed, and i had to do homework. it was really hard to read fucking faulkner with my eye feeling so weird. dad came in to tell me goodnight and said maybe i should stay home tomorrow. i was like "maybe...." because the last few times i've been absent, i've felt really guilty for it. but i ended up falling asleep not even halfway through the reading assignment, and still latin and history left to do. i woke up at like 2:30 in the morning, cleaned off the damn bed, and went back to sleep. i vaguely remember mom and/or dad coming in to wake me up this morning, and them deciding it would be better if i stayed home today. i didn't wake up until 1, when mom called to check up on me. my eye feels a lot better, but i obviously needed the damn sleep, so i'm glad i stayed home. i hope i'm not missing too much har har har har har.

listening to: air - bathroom girl

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

you looked to be a bird to me
you said you’d teach me to fly
you asked me to shake my cat skin
for you, i gladly abliged
in my sudden unprotection, cold, alone
you saw my vulnerablity
you snatched away what you could take
i’m left without my screams

you rode in and saved my day
when it was a convenient use of time
when you needed me, i jumped hurtles
i raced rivers, i went blind
then when i would call you up
you conveniently declined
my dreams fell through nets of hope
before i finally fell to mine

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me

when dish and spoon eloped together
they just sent the cow to the moon
the cat and the bat became runaways today
and left the rat to its own
we run we’ll run through every field
we’ll go everywhere in eyesight
with your false wings, you can’t limit us
we’ll be everything in starlight

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me
rat rat rat! you're digging through the trash, i see

call the sun
ask him if he’s up for it
call the sea
to help us find a place to fit......
call the cat cat cat!
the kitty’s got a game to play
cat cat cat, chase the mousies all away
i just found out that the co-op art house has moved to sunday nights at 8. that is bad for me because it means i'll be able to go even less regularly than i did last year. oh well. i was thinking about maybe going to the thing there this saturday, though. anyone up for that mess?
today is okay. i have apple juice, so all is well. i got online last night after katherine left, and brandon's away message was something about "waiting for lovertits for days" and talking to him was just awesome.
i can't remember anything else that happened today, except that i got a 71 on a chemistry test and i'm really nervous about that grade. i had a 55 on my progress report. i'm hoping to pass the test on friday, but i've also got the ap u.s. and english tests to worry about. fuckaaa i really shouldn't be online. it's okay because i'm in an okay mood. i think it's at least partially because of Happy Tuesday last night... that was great. unfortunately, katherine didn't get home until about 10:30 and she told her parents we'd been working on movies, not studying. so now she isn't allowed to drive for a long time. it's bad. i hope we can still DO the movie.... it's going to be tough, because we have to get everything filmed before break if we want to enter the film festival. if you want to help with ideas, shooting, or acting please let us know. or if you've got a hamster.
also katherine said my comment on ted's blog encouraged her to also post... i like that. it felt weird to be reading it without his knowledge. i encourage everyone to do that with every blog. ted wants to do recycle stuff around the school, and katherine and i offered to a video for the announcements. that'd be pretty interesting.
okay. i better get out of here.
OH YEAH THOUGH. morgan has a new blog. she wants readers. do it. (she made me edit that image really fucking fast. i hope she lets me fix it.)

listening to: the postal service - the district sleeps alone tonight

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

katherine just went home. she came and picked me up around 7 or something and we went to starbucks and talked about movies. then we went to the cyber cafe and worked on the plot of our cinderella remake. at like 9, we decided it was late and time for her to take me home. she ended up coming inside to see morgan, and we talked a little about the movie, but had a HUGE great conversation. she just left, and i'm in a great mood.

starbucks beauty of the day--
mysterious indian guys: are you guys writing a play?
us: no... a movie
mysterious indian guys: for a course?
us: no... we are actually supposed to be studying.
mysterious indian guys: everyone else is studying, you are different.
oo-de-lally, i have a craving for one of those new sonic blasts. oh hell. oh oh. i'm hungry and starving, happy and bleeding. oh oh oh ohoh ohohhhhhh i hate tex wex. fuck.
today was actually a pretty decent day. go figure. i think i was still glowing from the weekend, to an extent. it was a very good weekend. le sigh. plus i was still feeling very Band because of talking with margaret on thursday night, so i tried to write a song in study hall. aha.
school was school. homework was homework i.e. it's nowhere near being done. in between was a phone call with brock, pancakes for dinner, and a really good session of therapy. part of why it went well, i think, was that it was the first time in FOREVER that i have been there without mom, so talking felt easier. i am terrified to say anything when she's in there, for some reason. also what we talked about today really jumped around, we weren't just stuck on anxiety things like usual. i talked about Incident Of Weekend that i knew mom would've wanted me to mention, even though i almost forgot to aha.
(when i got home yesterday after spending the night at laylee's, mom interrogated me and asked if i behaved. i said "yes!" 50 gazillion times, but she said i looked guilty so i finally told her that people had wine but that i didn't have any. so she gave me more drinking lectures which turned into sex lectures. it was really funny.) i liked how lady told me to handle it from now on, though. sometimes her suggestions make me vomit, but this one i liked and mom did too -- i am supposed to be able to call mom and tell her things like "so and so is drinking, i'm not. but i want to hang out here for a while longer." and if mom is not comfortable she can come and get me from wherever, and eventually she will see that i am trustworthy and making good choices, blah blah blah. since i don't really have that much interest in drinking anyway it doesn't really matter. but whatever. it's more about mom than me. and it would be really cool if i could be more close to her, i think. i mean christ she's going to be around for a while, you know? i should get used to her.
then i, for some reason, mentioned that a bunch of people i know are on medication and/or go to therapy, and brock and i had discussed the other day what it would be like to be presented with the choice of meds, etc. she asked if i thought i needed it, and i said no, but then i did talk about how i get depressed. i am really proud of myself for that, because it's something i haven't talked about at all in there or to anyone at home, and they never notice that kind of shit. plus mom has depression, and it's genetic. lady said really funny thing concerning genetics, as "the gift that keeps on giving" and did this cute laugh. i also made her laugh/squeak today. it was nice, but i don't know what it was about. ha. she also talked about how depression and anxiety (which are both genetic, and which my parents have respectively) go hand in hand. so i'm basically doomed. it's okay. she made me feel a lot more comfortable about the depression thing too. she said i should try to look for patterns in when i get depressed and everything, and that we can talk about them in sessions and fix things. she also said that usually for depression neither just talk therapy or just meds work, and that both are most effective. i thought that was kind of interesting.
i just realized how hysterical it is that i post all this shit about therapy on my blog. i think i'm going to kill myself now.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

alanna stewart had a great fucking weekend, hell yes!

Saturday, December 06, 2003

today fucking sucked. not for any one particular reason, but everything about school was bad. by the end of the day i was so damn depressed. we had a short spice girls dance party in the parking lot after school, but even that didn't really fix stuff. i came home alone and sat around feeling dumb. brittany called, which was the best part of the afternoon. i told her to come to becca's show, and we just talked, and it was nice. then i tried to call laylee because i was sad. i forgot she was at that thing thing. stupid me. i called brock to ask him to bring me blank video tapes so that i could film becca's show. we didn't talk very long after that so i ended up nearly taking a couple naps. i was really tired from my week of bad sleeping habits, so i guess that is good. then morgan went over to eileen's, and mom and i watched the beginning of "the crow." aha. basically it was a fucking awful day, afternoon, and early evening. i got dad to drive me to java at 8. brock had already arrived; i think he forgot that he was supposed to call me when he got there. i was still in a sad little mood, even though i was excited about the show. i shmoozed around and played with the many varieties of magic 8-balls with sallis, kevin, brock and cuddled laylee for a while. brock and i made the mistake of leaving our place on the couch to get drinks. in reality, this should not have taken any time at all. but the BITCH WOMAN FROM HELL was working tonight, and she totally ignored us for like 15 minutes. so we lost our places to elise's friend laura and some guy from ridgeway. elise and some guy eric got there, and completely avoided me and brock. it was really hilarious, if you think about it. then brittany and her entire family showed up, which was also hilarious. brock, alice, lauren h, brittany, and i played with chess pieces during daniel's poetry reading. i thought that becca had asked him to do all funny stuff, but apparently not. i think that is better considering the nature of becca's set, but i am not too impressed with most of his stuff. so becca came on, and she was of course AMAZING. i love all the new songs. the show tonight was really intense, really different from last time. with that, she had played the songs for a (partially, at least) similiar crowd so many times before that we had all developed a pattern. becca was very big on eye contact and grins and it was adorable and very fun. so even if the nature of the song was sad, you had a great fucking time anyway. with this show, most of the songs were things that she hadn't played for audiences and most of them were very sad and very beautiful. the show turned out very intense, which i thought was really awesome, especially considering my state. i would rather see someone totally into her music and sad sad than happy and cute, even though both are great. it's so impressive how becca has evolved and matured since just august. i know she was anxious about how the shit went down, but i don't think she had any reason to be. the only things that disappointed me were that i wished the set was longer, and that some people who were supposed to come didn't show up. margaret, christie, jenny, elizabeth, robin, etc -- where the fuck were you?! spacebat ass!??!!?! fuck that!
i can't really talk. after becca's set and generally hanging out-ness, katherine, alice, lauren, tarah, brock and i went over to hi-tone to see the tail end of the mutant spacebats show. i danced like a mutha, and it was the most upbeat part of my whole fucking day. dancing can make everything better for me. it was just so good. then svetlana was there and tried to grind with brock again. for fuck's sake. i really hate her. stupid ho. alice had to be home my midnight, so i got home around 11:45. now i've been hanging out, and talking to hannaH, and making mp3s of becca's show. ask her if you can hear them. plus evan williams's copies are probably better.

listening to: becca bobango - morning sickness

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

dear god i fell asleep reading history. and i so determined not to this time. well at least morgan woke me up so now i can do my english paper. good luck, alanna.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

wow. guys. i saw lion king at the orpheum. it was so fucking great. i can't even tell you. you have to see it. but i think the only day that isn't sold out is christmas eve. try to get out of that family shit. serious.
i have every intention of writing a silly little alanna-ish review. but right now i have a huge date with my english homework. and history. and apwoehipioahgopawghiweh fucka

listening to: sleater-kinney - lions and tigers

Monday, December 01, 2003

today managed to be really really awesome. i don't know how. brock also had a great day. it's nice how cosmic we are. we both woke up at 6:40 this morning (very late). i can't think of anything really specific that was nice. i think it was just sort of to combat my icky feeling of yesterday. i felt really fresh. like i did at the beginning of the year, maybe. it was just really nice somehow. that's about it. okay.

listening to: romeo void - never say never


smashing pumpkins' "tonight, tonight" video is SO damn pretty.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

brandon is god, partially because he is the only other person i know who hates the perks of being a wallflower. hooray!!

listening to: feed - debaser (pixies cover)

i'm really sad. everything is depressing. i am trying to make sallis not feel so bad, and trying to be happy for everyone else, except for bitching at tarah.
quoth tarah rhoda "if i liked you anymore, then im pretty sure i'd be lesbian."
what a good kid.
a beautiful video: "pagan poetry" by bjork.
DO NOT WATCH IT if you have a low pain tolerance
i'm drinking draft root beer, am in a wonderful mood, and am preparing to blog to you the joys and trials of my thanksgiving holiday. hooray for long alanna postage. (hopefully. if you're laylee.)
wednesday: i went to bed shortly after i blogged, around 3, after said AWESOME conversation time with tarah and aj. what amazing kids. i'm so lucky to have the friends i do. plus, it had been a while since i've really talked to either of them, and it was sort of funny how the conversations were sometimes in a really similiar vein and sometimes totally dissimilar. i clambered into bed and unlocked my window, having promised eileen that i would. i told her she could come play at our house while we were gone, and i didn't think she'd actually come but it was something of a priniciple. i fell asleep listening to vespertine which made me really happy. unfortunately, i forgot to take it out of the cd player for the trip in the morning.
thursday: i was woken up far too early for my poor body. on the way to jackson, i listened to fiona apple and slept. i always forget how short granny is. i guess it's really her 'fault' that i'm so short -- her eye level is at my chest. (no wonder she is constantly talking about my figure.) we had a short little break before the actual thanksgiving meal, and the normal post-dinner talking. mom usually leaves the first, to go take her nap. this time morgan left too. dad, granny, and i talked a while. well. granny told her same old stories, and we listened, and granddaddy sat at the other end of the table very silent. what can i say? they're strange little old southern baptist people. i left a message on sallis's cell phone, since he was in town the same time as me and i thought it'd be cool to see him while we were stuck in jackson. i also called brock, but he was just sitting down to a movie. so i watched i love the 80s strike back with my familia before brandon called, demanding my help on his christmas wish list. i really didn't help at all, but we got to talk so that was cool. then brock called, and i talked to him for 15 minutes longer than i was supposed to, but it was really good to talk to him all the same. unfortunately, i ran down my phone's battery like a mutha and i forgot to bring my chargie thing. oh well. after we got off the phone, i watched dumb vh1 shows with dad and morgan until i nearly fell asleep on the couch staring at miss apple bottoms.
friday: hooray for eggs and biscuits and bacon and real breakfasts! after eating we headed over to barnes and noble for book shopping. i was excited about going but when we got there i didn't really know what i wanted to do there. i ended up at the newstand looking for a new music magazine. dad and i collectively bought cmj new music, magnet, and the new rolling stone featuring top 500 albums of all time. we took morgan home, with a huuuuge stack of books she got for her friends for christmas, and then dropped off mom at tj maxx. dad and i went to the cd sale at circuit city, where i bought AFI and flogging molly. guilty pleasures like a mutha. i'm actually considering giving the flogging molly to someone as a present... but i've just blogged it HAHA and that means i could only give it to brock now. but who else would want it? oh well. maybe i won't give it away. phh. dad got the smiths and the rolling stones. mom got wrapping paper. morgan took a nap. we spent the rest of the day mulling over and arguing with the rolling stone top 500. i made everyone write down the ones they owned. it wasn't very interesting, but there was nothing else to do. and i love lists and patterns and things, so. apwoghiwgopeh obsessive alanna aoiwghepioghoahi. today brock and i were talking about how hard it is to find your real love job in life and actually be able to do it. there's so much pressure to find it that it's really hard to actually notice when it's there, you're so busy looking. the only thing that i just absolutely love with no inhibitions is music... but not the playing of it. i don't really know. brock says he could see me doing the tech stuff, like 'recording engineer'-wise, i guess. or i could do music videos maybe. or just ... buy cds and work at mcdonalds. then again i'd have to like. live in my car, to have enough money to buy albums anyway. agowiphpogihw i'm so offtrack. we watched interview with the vampire at midnight, and that's all that matters. oh i did get to talk to sallis briefly. we talked about hanging out after dinner, but he didn't get home until 9 so he couldn't call back. too bad.
saturday: i woke up to the sound of granny's tv with a really bad headache. i got up because i couldn't lie in the bed any longer, and went to lie on the couch with mom instead. i had some cheerios. went back to the couch. dad gave me an advil, and mom rubbed my back a lot, which made me really happy. the headache got no better. i had another advil. i went back to the bed, where i stayed for a damn long time. we were supposed to leave at 2 today, but dad didn't want to wake me up when i was feeling so bad. they had to, eventually, and we stumbled out of jackson around 3. as we were driving away, i put on my headphones, siamese dream by smashing pumpkins. it is by no means a quiet album, but it automatically sent away my headache. i really don't understand it. i don't know why i hadn't tried that already, since i know music does that to me sometimes. the album ended, and i played some my bloody valentine before we stopped in grenada for fooooood for me, having slept through lunch. when we got back in the car, my headache was creeping back in so i put on live through this by hole, and everything was back to good. i love that album. so i also played celebrity skin just to make sure i packed it in. it was a nice drive; i didn't sleep at all.
we were in downtown memphis around 6, and i finally checked my messages on my near-dead phone. i had a simple one from brock, but i was glad that he left it since he usually doesn't leave messages but he knows i get annoyed when people don't leave them. hooray for that. i had an awesome one from brandon telling me that frosty the snowman was on tv and i was going to miss it. when we got home, mom ordered pizza before i called brock. he had some relatives over and was expected to stay at home, so we couldn't hang out. i didn't feel like calling around because i figured everyone would be busy. so brock and i just had a nice long phone conversation. unforunately, he was ripped prematurely out of it by his mother for reasons still unknown to me. too bad. actually, if we didn't get kicked off the phone we would never stop talking, i'm sure. i think every single conversation we've had, someone has stopped it other than us. okay, maybe there were some "shitload of homework" or "i'm busy" ones. but still. moving on. i had some pizza. sat around online. watched trailers for the director's series, which i'm really excited about. (i'm assuming that my family is giving at least one to me for christmas.) watched degrassi with morgan. talked to some kids online. this is about it.
oh i commented on ted's blog. i'm afraid becca will be mad because she had a very specific thing about him not knowing that we read it... but i know i'd be really annoyed if someone was reading my blog and i had no idea. plus, tarah has been saying very good things about him. and apparently he told her i'm very honest and sincere. i appreciate that a lot, especially since he thinks i hate him. i really don't hate him, though. tarah thinks we'd get along... hahaa. you never know.

listening to: AFI - bleed black
(have i ever mentioned i ADORE davey havok?!)

Thursday, November 27, 2003

You are "Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. There are a lot of theories on what you're about, but you actually poke fun at self-absorbed male models. Then again, who doesn't?
What One-hit-wonder are you?

that's a quiz by my friend bly. hooray for her new knowledge of javascript!
tarah and i have been having an awesome conversation. i really like talking to her, if i haven't said that before. she's a great talker and a great listener, and she thinks i am truthful and sincere, and we have very good talking. woohoo! unfortunately she signed off a minute ago without explanation, which is sad because i can't just talk to her tomorrow. i wish i got to see her at school sometimes, if not on the weekend. she's really social and has no time for me. that's okay because we still have really good conversations. i'm also talking to aj ("i want to go to bed but i like talking to you too much"). what a sweet kid. he is sort of venting at me, but in a good/funny way. what can i say, i like the guy.
i should probably go to bed. but that would mean packing for the trip. and damn it. no.

listening to: bjork - isobel

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

i hung out with morgan and her entorage for part of the day. they watched the second half of 'two towers' again and then lots of extras. it was sort of nuts-driving. so i rotated sitting in here downloading pixies covers and music videos, watching tv and eating cheez-its, and taking a shower or hanging out in my room. it was kind of bleggity. i talked to brock on the phone for a little, and then laylee. they came over and didn't even notice my teeth ahahaah. but after katherine asked, they kept making me smile and it was silly and laylee touched them all night. anyway we went to see "the station agent" which was pretty good. for the umpteenth time, i love movies with brock. he played with my hand a lot tonight. le sigh.
sallis left me a message on my phone. he is already in jackson, but we don't leave until the morning. i'll try to call him at some point tomorrow, and maybe we can go see a movie together like mom suggested. that would be so nice. and hysterical. hahahaa jackson with sallis how great. okay. so we went back to my house, and laylee called kevin to come get her. we hung out for a little bit in my room before they escaped. then brock was here until about 10:30. he made fun/admired the way i write "st" as one letter. i'd raved about the placebo video to him on the phone, and i showed it to him. near the very end he goes "so where's the lead singer?" meaning he had just watched the whole video and not found brian molko in the LEAST bit interesting. i felt really silly. oh well.

listening to: tuscadero - just my size

my phone works again, for the many fans who have been unable to reach me for the past few days.
brock and laylee are coming over soon, and we're going to see a movie, i believe. it will be nice. morgan is about to go to rehearsal for "red pain(t)" and my teeth feel funny. i hope i have enough money to get into the movie. aha. pixies covers slay me. help help help, laylee.
well, laylee, i knew it would happen. as soon as i burned a cd of pixies covers, after over a year of searching for as many as i possibly could, a whole new slew comes in. today alone i have gotten 8 new ones, and so far they are all good. this is insane. laylee. dear god. i'll never be able to decide. please come help me.
holy jesus one of them is a cover of "where is my mind?" done in GERMAN with tambourine, harmonica, and moaning. god i'm in heaven. and in heaven, everything is fine. you've got your good thing and i've got mine.

listening to: jonus - i've been tired (pixies cover)

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

how is that i never realized how undeniably HOT brian molko from placebo is? i just watched the video for "pure morning" and jesus christ. not only is he beautiful, it's a really cool video for a good song. i hadn't seen a picture of him for a long time, so when he was first on the screen i couldn't tell if it was really him or some woman. but fuck. FUCK. have i ever mentioned how hot androgyny is?
if you can't download the video, there's a whole mess of stills here. seriously guys. do yourselves a favor. fuck.

i reorganized my cds, and now they fit in ONLY FOUR CASES!!!!!!! have i mentioned that i hate today?

This site is certified 71% GOOD by the Gematriculator
i hate tonight. after i posted last, i gave up on anything and went back to my room to take a dark nap and listen to sad sad jeff buckley. i didn't sleep for long, because there were suddenly the huge noises of three 13/14-year-olds invading the kitchen. even with the music, the pillow over my head, and being rooms and rooms away, i felt like they were right next to me. at one point morgan stormed in, turned on the light, and harassed me with questions. i can't remember what she first came in to tell me, but she kept asking what was wrong and i would say nothing, go away over and over. she wouldn't stop asking or bumbling around on me and i think she felt under my eye to see if i was crying. i wasn't, of course. i was just really unhappy and wanting to sleep. i hate that i can't even be alone in my house. i really want to get out of here, even if i am alone but i can't think of anywhere to go. i really wish i wasn't here.

listening to: "the two towers" and commentaries from the peanut gallery

i just pulled a total Last Year. i had another orthodontist appointment after school, so again i couldn't go with brock and alice and whoever after school. i got back at like 3, and called brock's cell right away. he didn't pick up there or at home. so i tried calling again a minute ago. he said they are at huey's. by then i didn't really know why i called. yes, i wanted to hang out. no, i didn't want to ASK them to come get me, especially if they didn't want me there enough to offer to pick me up. no, i didn't make it apparent that i wish i was there. no, i didn't say i'd try to get a ride once mom gets home.
i am really annoyed with myself. i'm going to be home alone all night.

listening to: lucero - tears don't matter much


this shit never gets old

Monday, November 24, 2003

i am going to try to catch up on the weekend since i'm so awful.
on saturday i woke up at about 12:30, i think, and watched two towers with mom + morgan and had phish food ice cream for breakfast. it was hella awesome. i love mama. mom started to fall asleep, so we only watched the first disc. then i got online for a little bit before laylee called around 2:30 and we got to talk for a while before we worked on making plans for getting together. it must've taken for fucking ever because laylee and brock didn't get here until like 6:30. i was sad that the day had been reduced to that sick portion of night, like every single weekend last year. it turned out okay of course. shortly after they arrived and we were trying to figure out what to do, eileen arrived to spend the night. so the five of us went to pie in the sky armed with coupons and had lovely pizza. at one point tarah called and said she would try to get a ride over to us. she didn't show up, and we couldn't reach her on her cell phone. (later i found out that her brother wouldn't give her a ride, she'd lost her cell phone, and was dragged downtown where she had a GREAT time.) we ended up being there for a lot longer than we meant to, and mom had turned into a pumpkin by the time we called home, so dad had to pick us up. we hung out in my room and i turned on lunachicks but no one understood and i played "jan brady" 3 fucking times but no one would listen to the chorus. i basically fell over on the bed so that i could listen to it by myself while other people talked, and i guess laylee thought i was upset so she came over and hugged me awww. i love that laylee loves me. she always assures me that other people do too, but sometimes i can only tell with her. i guess because she is so physical about it, i have to believe her. i do love her. oh oh oh. anyway i guess everyone else thought i was upset too, because they started to dance, to prove that they were listening and they understood the lunachicks. seeing my chance, i started "jan brady" over and made them hear the chorus finally. i hope they fucking got it. and for some reason we had on throwing muses for a bit, too, and i got to dance and it was good. and morgan made some comment about my hips agopiwhpwahgpawiogh. oh we tried to introduce brock to the suicide girls but either he didn't get it or he didn't like it or he wasn't comfortable or... something. it was sad. anyway. we eventually decided to watch "hedwig and the angry inch" which dad had bought at turtle's earlier. brock ended up having to leave in the middle, even though laylee was going to give him a ride home. he didn't really argue because he had to help his mom with something at church in the morning. i know he won't let me loan him the movie because of its subject matter, so i guess we will have to watch the rest here some time. that reminds me. does anyone want to come over and watch "ghost world" with me? i have been wanting to watch it for a long time and for some reason i have not. i mean, i own it, i don't know why i haven't. but i know that last year several people tried to watch it and they all hated it and i want to make them understand. plus i want sallis to see it, because we talked about it that once and he refused to let me loan it to him. by the way, sallis, do you still have my wasteland? i can't remember. and becca, do you still have my diane izzo cd? and frank, do you still have my heart?
laylee and i cuddled on the couch all through the rest of the movie. oh pretty oh pretty. then laylee and i listened to music and whatnot and talked to kevin online until he finally came over to pick her up. she had to go home anyway, and i wish she had spent the night here. no one has spent the night here in forever. i hate to wake up so lonely. that is the one thing that sucks about having a male best friend with anal parents. after laylee left, i just went to sleep because i wasn't really in the mood to stay up all night doing nothing, for once.
i woke up around 12:30 again, i believe. morgan locked me out of the bathroom so i stumbled around blindly until she let me in to get my glasses. eileen looked so fucking adorable all asleep with ervin the bear awwww. i had some breakfast and hung around. eileen and morgan scuttled in eventually. we had some breakfast and hung around. we watched music videos, and determined that jeff buckley has a very close resemblace to brock. actually, eileen said that if brock and i had a kid, it would be jeff buckley. now that is a compliment if i have ever heard one. she'd already complimented brock and i on her blog the day before! "They're both so sexy. I probably have no place saying this, but I think they should be radical movie-star lovers who elope to india. They'd have neat adopted kids who would all join the peace corps." jesus how sweet is that!?! i certainly wouldn't mind that prophecy coming true. here's hoping.
laylee and i decided we should take a yoga class. we're too offended to take the sunday afternoon one at midtown yoga. any suggestions on somewhere else? maybe we'll look into the place sallis goes/went. also brock kept calling on and off all day. it made me really really happy. i don't think i said so. it was great, though. we had made plans to go to this silly battle of the bands at some crazy church, because it was going to be awful. it had to be. with bands featuring JR and davis. shudder. plus, i will do ANYTHING to get out of the house on sunday. sunday is the worst day ever. and i didn't even have any homework this weekend. it was a miracle of god. or mat devine. so we met at walgreen's where brock picked up some film from this summer, and his mom got us an umbrella so that we could cross the street (ahaha) and got me some tapes for my camera. it was very sweet. she said it was to pay me back for helping with brock's french video. she really didn't have to. even though i lost one of the blank tapes in their house. ahaha. so the bands were basically as bad as we expected, but we ended up staying there the whole time which i didn't think we were going to do. they were a lot more diverse than i thought they'd be. JR's band was ska, davis's was really pop, detriment was metal, rustic ruckus was jammy funk, bob sagat trio was 2 former grahamwood guys with acoustic guitars playing a stupid cover medley, and submerged truth was pop punk. plus there was a choir. the whole thing reminded me of the neil's event in that the crowd consisted of the bands' parents, the bands' friends, and the bands' parents' friends. and then there were just some people who went to the church too, i guess. even with a slightly diverse crowd, because of being mostly friends of the band, they were still really ... shitty. the first band that played, all these kids rushed the stage and then just STOOD there. like they've never been to a real show. actually, i guess they haven't. i was wanting really badly to dance the whole night, even if just in the aisle, because dancing to bad music makes it SO much better. i think brock didn't really want to bring attention to us, or he just didn't feel like it, and i'm too dumb to do it alone so we sat there. it was nice though because we got to talk and people-watch a lot. when JR's band went on, we spotted tarah in the "crowd" by the stage and went up. they started playing, and brock and i went nuts. people were so surprised, i don't think they knew how to react. they moved away, so we were left with a huge amount of dancing space. we were everywhere and it was beautiful. i love brock concert dancing. i can't even say. god. after a little bit, i noticed that hunter thompson was dancing next to brock and HAHA that cracked me up. a lot. then abby wilenski appeared and danced as well. and THEN svetlana lapova appeared out of nowhere, got in between me and brock, and basically tried... grinding with him. ewwww it was obscene and i really didn't like it. he half-assed it a little, and then left her to grind by herself. it was pretty funny, especially since she doesn't go nuts like you'd expect to some ska band. she dances pretty. like constant. it's sort of annoying, if you only have one dance and you know you look hot doing it so you do it automatically instead of really feeling the music. because that is literally all i do. morgan thinks i'm a good dancer, but she's silly and she has not been to enough shows. i made lots of eye contact with the trombonist, and after the show i said good job to the very pop-punk saxophone guy. he actually looked at me when i said it, instead of just taking it and walking off. it was really nice, and it made me like him. oh, brock said that when we started to dance and stuff he thought he heard JR say "now that's what i like to see" from the stage, and that some girls turned around to look at us. i didn't notice that though. my favorite band was rustic ruckus, because the phish bassist was this adorable rockstar kid. he was so great. afterwards, i told him he was the only real rockstar there, that he had a stance and everything. that i didn't know why i was there, but thank you. he looked really surprised, not arrogant, and that made me like him. and the church people gave us free water. thank you church people. the other bands were basically not very intersting. during davis' band, brock wiggled 4 of his toes out of the hole in his sock. i poked them. his toes are really soft, and i love them. we basically toe/hand-ed all through their set. they weren't good though, so it doesn't matter. i can't even remember who won, except for rustic ruckus. when they played again, brock and i went down to the almost-front, but still in the aisle and danced NUTS. we both had to take off our jackets and our glasses and it was funny and great. i think a lady filmed us a little. the song was really schizo so there was all kinds of different dancing available to be done. man that was great. dancing will always make life so much better. i should do it more often. i loved getting to hang out with brock. and people watch and dance. i love the boy. melt melt melt.
today was blegh except for that we only have a 2-day week and my kill hannah cd came. hoorah.

listening to: kill hannah - no one dreams anyway


listening to: kill hannah - they can't save us now

Sunday, November 23, 2003

why do i suck at blogging and where are hte headphones?!
I scored a 67% on the "How Memphis Are You?" Quizie! What about you?

listening to: the bens - wickled little town

Saturday, November 22, 2003

hooray! brock and laylee are on their way over. i'm excited. anyone can join, if you feel the need. this weekend is good, and then we have thanksgiving. weeeoooo.

listening to: the moldy peaches - jorge regula

i think my head's in heaven

today was pretty damn good. school felt sort of silly and very far off, like i wasn't actually there. the day wasn't that long. i think i did better on my math test than i was anticipating. i think i failed latin though. oh well. after school, brock and i had decided to just sort of walk around and hang out for a bit. ezra wheeler turned around and waved to me at the crosswalk. it was nice. he loaned me a pencil in algae. brock and i ended up going to the mall to get some food, because we're just that punk. right as we were walking in, the gratzes pulled up next to us to drop off lydia. it was funny. we talked to william for a couple minutes. he was on his way to have his wisdom teeth pulled. i am so lucky with no wisdom teeth... but it doesn't really count because i still had TERRIBLE oral surgery last summer. shudder. all i remember is amelie and organic macaroni and bubble fish. the point is. while we were eating, robin and katherine w showed up to steal brock's cell phone. it was nice to see them. we sort of loosely talked about doing something later, but robin never called us and we never called her. so i don't know. maybe tomorrow... after they left, we walked to davis-kidd. it was really really nice. we were there for quite a while. there were adorable japanese girls, two cute little boys, and even an eileen mushroom. it was great. we looked at language books, art magazines, photography, muscle men. we talked and split a piece of "chocolate spoon lovin'" cake. we also called laylee and becca to see if they wanted to hang out, but becca's sister was coming into town and they had to eat dinner as a family. they were supposed to call us back later, and forgot to, so we didn't see them or hear from them at all. somehow i feel like brock and i did a lot MORE at davis-kidd, but i guess not. it was very nice at any rate. i love the boy. his mom picked us up, took us to blockbuster, and then back to their house. brock translated some french magazines to me and we looked at gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous pictures (people). we were looking at this article on like. sex in cinema. and since i couldn't read it i could only comment on the pictures. then we started just discussing the models in the ads. then brock was like "oh oh oh" and got out this like. french fashion magazine, saying "there is one guy in here who you are going to love." so we flipped through the whole magazine very carefully, studying everyone scrupulously. near the very end, brock pointed to this totally androgynous little guy and says "this is the one i thought you'd like" and i squealed to death. partly because the man was beautiful, and partly becuse brock knew i'd like him. it was nice. brock said he'd never had anyone to look at his magazines with before and i was glad that we did. i love talking about people with brock, because ... we're both so damn bi. it's completely perfect. then we went downstairs and i started to get some ice cream. i noticed brock watching me, doing that adorably sheepy smile. and i was like "what?!" and he made fun of how i use the ice cream scoop. ahhahahaa. well. he does do it much better than me. we were being really silly and i think i was probably loud, and i think we were disturbing his parents watching some nuts sci-fi scary fillum. sorry, terwillegers. we had to watch our movie (venus beauty institute, featuring the adorable audrey tautou) in wesley's room. it was funny. as i've said, brock and i are very intense in movies. it's too much fun. it makes movies so much more entertaining, when you're really into them. to the extent that you're gripping someone's arm and biting pillows. and we're not talking about thrillers. speaking of. allison did her michael jackson impression english class today. it was fucking awesome. after the movie, we sat around and listened to music and whatnot. then we watched degrassi and some music videos and whosits. my dad came at like 12:45, which was awesome. today was such a great brock day. i really hope he had as good of a time as i did. but i think he did. it was pretty perfect. i didn't mind that much that we didn't get to see anyone else. i think i enjoy brock's company more when we're alone. maybe it just depends who else is around. but everyone knows i get jealous so fucking easy... oh one bad thing was that with all the beautiful models and everything, and brock's newly voiced extreme confidence about his appearance, i felt so ugly all night long. i mean, it wasn't like every five seconds i whined about being a hag. actually i didn't say anything at all. but i didn't THINK it every five seconds either, it was just a general feeling. which i obviously didn't really like. i guess i should be prettier. i started thinking 'well what the fuck alanna you sit there and whine that youre so fucking ugly and you dont do anything about it. you STILL don't buy clothes ever or wear make up or shave your legs or brush your hair. so what the fuck do you expect?' and that's about it. but it makes me feel really silly anyway. oh yeah, but brock and i did the great thing we do a lot where we both start singing the same song at the same time. like 203597 times. i like it that we are doing that again. it's insane and it amazes me every time. god i love brock. man i bet that is all i talk about. well. shit. laylee, if this every becomes what brittany and i lovingly referred to as 'the kyle blog' please let me know. shit guys. i know you guys want to read about it. fucka.
listening to: tattle tale - take ten

Thursday, November 20, 2003

today i woke up feeling great, because of being done with my research paper. to some extent, today would've been better if it wasn't physics day. it meant that most all my friend-ishes were absent. but it also meant that most of my classes were really small, which was cool. that's about it. brock told me the secret of who won the scribbler "obsessions" contest but i can't tell. i feel so privileged!!! i love it. brock called me twice today. see? we really are going back to that old thing. it's very nice. i didn't have much homework, but i have an algebra test tomorrow that i am going to fail. it was pretty funny because brock tried to help me, and normally he's the one who is utterly lost. i'm worried about it, because i feel like it's not just one test... not only will it affect my comprehension on the material for the rest of the year, i feel like this is just going to be the first shit i don't get and from here on i won't get anything at all. welcome to the new pattern. hooray.

listening to: scratch acid - ain't that love?


Wednesday, November 19, 2003

STOP TIME: 11:45

i write a letter every day
i send it to your vein
you whisper words i cannot face
i'm singing in my chains
i'm about to start on my Day of Death and undertake the seemingly impossible task of writing an entire research paper in a single evening. wish me luck. dan ying said it would take 3 hours.... it took laylee all weekend, and she stayed up all night on sunday to finish. we'll see, we'll see. but i already have a damn headache, and i'm starving. i'm gonna get a peppah.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

today wasn't awful. i felt really dumb all day. probably because of shitty grades i've been getting. and then something else. i don't know what but it made me feel really stupid too. plus i finally remembered to make up my history map test, but as climbed out of the stairwell, ervin was walking away down the hall. so i ran back down the stairs. i can't believe i'm so stupid. again. aggugh.
oh yeah, it was MIXITUP day at lunch. they've been promoting it for like two weeks. it's supposed to be this day where you sit with a different group of people than your normal one. to promote tolerance or something. as if that isn't silly enough, my retarded school made it worse. when you walked into the cafeteria, you were given a little square of colored paper and you were asked to sit at a table that matched the color. you didn't have to, or anything, but rather than promoting just the concept of sitting with someone new, you were basically forced to. it was such a piece of shit. anyway, our regular table (minus nisha, praise god) sat at the color table that brock and katherine had been assigned to. there were two girls sitting there already, and we talked to them a little. one of them's name is linda and i asked to see her bag, so that i could read the pins. she had ones for atom and his package, pedro the lion, coheed and cambria... i was really impressed but she just sort of shrugged or something. it made me wonder if she actually liked the bands, or if someone just gave her the pins. also, mark fucking bolding sat down next to sallis. ho is that for awkward? poor sallis. i couldn't tell if the rest of the people that ended up there usually sat together or not. so i guess we mixed it up a little, but it was mostly awkward, and mostly me and brock talking. oh well. it seemed like the day was pretty awkward for everyone. or cruel, in some instances. it just seems like the popular people were kind of like "ooh let's mix it up and sit with the unpopular people!" the cafeteria was still segregated black/white though, pretty much. except for this asian kid sitting at a table with some black guys. he looked absolutely miserable. even more miserable was this white kid sitting with some black guys... he was so miserable, he was reading the newspaper. a lot of people were only participating because they though they'd get in trouble if they didn't. you could tell. the whole idea made me really sad. kids shouldn't be forced into an activity like this, and we weren't, so most people didn't even try to do it, not even student council. the ones who DID seemed to be mocking the whole concept. i think i did a better job of scaring away kids than i did making a new friends. i am not a racist or a sexist or anything. i sit with the kids i know because they're the kids i know i like. i don't sit with them because we're all middle class whities. and anyway i didn't like mark fucking bolding before he sat down, and i didn't like him anymore when lunch was over. however i waved at jo. that was a new experience. ahhahahaha.
therapy yesterday was okay. the office was locked when we got there and we waited outside for like 10 minutes. we nearly left, but lady happened to be walking by when mom knocked one last time. it was fortunate, i guess. she's asked mom to sit in for all our sessions recently. it's sort of intimidating but i think what she's trying to do is make it more comfortable for me to talk in front of more than one person, or something. or maybe just more comfortable with mom. well, there's some kind of point to it, i know that much. first we talked about the dad/blog thing and she had me leave to talk to mom alone for a few minutes. that was strange, we've never done that before. then we talked about how to fix shit, etc. lady said i can bring dad in any time i want, and try to work on issues better in a session. that might help, if we had something concrete to deal with. rather than just me being constantly pissed off at his ness. then she asked about my report card, and how things in history discussion went, and how my college research is going, and if i've done anything to get on my way to driving. mostly it's okay. i sounded really okay. pretty hilarious after one of the worst weeks of my life. at the very end she asked if i had anything else to say. i tried to say what a bad week i'd had, but it felt really unimportant suddenly, and there were no words that fit it right. she asked if i was stressed or sad or what? and i had no idea how to say it, so i was basically like "eahoig" and that was the end. plus mom was still there, that definitely affected things. it's harder to talk like that.
we came home, i got some ice cream, and then the parentals and i sat down for a Talk. i don't really want to go into it, but dad agreed not to look at my blog again. i made him tell me a few details, so if you're interested: he looked for it specifically on google, it didn't just happen to pop up. he has been reading it every day for the past few weeks, and before that more irregularly. he doesn't understand the privacy issue.
end. as the conversation was breaking up, he told me that brock and brandon had called ("oh, her male entourage!" quoth mom). i was afraid to call back brock because it was like 9:30. which isn't that late, but still. margaret would've been asleep, come on. there was something really really nice about talking to brock on the phone last night. i can't really put my finger on it. i feel like our relationship sort of fell out for a few weeks, but we are getting back to where we were, and i'm really glad. i couldn't stand it if brock went away. it'd be nice to think he thought the same.

listening to: rasputina - the new zero


Monday, November 17, 2003

god i'm tired. i'm too tired and i don't really have time to blog very well tonight. but a rought outline:
school. homework. therapy. talk with parents. call with brock. oblivion. latin essay.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

java - dec 5.

Patti Smith

what punk rock goddess are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

fucking awesome!!!! i couldn't tell she was one of the choices until the last question. woohoo i love patti. she's so beautiful.
today dad 'fixed' my window without telling me. it was really sad. i need to have a ceremony. today basically sucked all around. it invovled cleaning and no friends and really shitty family stuff. at one point i was annoyed at havingn to clean the kitchen, which was full of mom's shit and complaining that she's always mad at US for leaving stuff everywehre, and i had to clean up her damn mess. she got really pissed and was all like "are you a part of the family or not?" because if i wasn't going to help out, i better find somewhere else to live, and "then it's settled, you're out of here when you turn 18 and we're not going to help you pay for college or anything." it made my day ten times better. woowee what a weekend.
so i basically sat around lifeless and depressed all day. i called a laylee, katherine, and brock but no one was around. eventually i was talking to sallis online, and he had been planning to do his english essay stuff tonight but instead invited me over to watch a movie. it was very sweet. his parents and mine were both going to the 'boogie in the books' party in the library. ho ho ho. is it ironic that the day katherine deleted her blog (party in the library) they actually HAD one? ..... i'm easily amused.
sallis came to pick me up and it was all raining and he had this huge umbrella to walk me to the car and he opened my door all nice. he's the greatest. he had gotten the stretch princess cd yesterday, and he had it in his car. it made me really happy. the funny thing is that he heard "shoes" in elise's car, probably before school yesterday morning. i, of course, made elise download that song this summer. sallis fell in love with the song and had to have the cd. bravo, good sir. anyway, back at his house i met his brother, his parents, and his parents' friends. i tried to be a polite little alanna. i don't know if it worked. especially since laylee called me and my cell phone was all ringy and i was all cell phone girly. i felt silly, but i was really happy that laylee called back. sallis and i had talked about inviting some other people to come back a movie with us, but they were busy anyway. after sallis's brother retreated, and the adults left to boogie, we stood around trying to decide what to watch. it didn't go very well. sallis is polite, so he was letting me, the guest, decide what to watch and i am indecisive so i couldn't choose. we ended up going to blockbuster and milling around until we spotted "frida." i had been really wanting to see that, and sallis said he'd heard good things so we got it. and "finding nemo" for his brother. thank god, too, because it kept him occupied all night, and he would've been a little young for miss frida. i lovedddd the movie. it was really really well done in the acting, and the history, and the cinema, and everything about it. wow it was really good. sigh. i hope sallis isn't having nightmares. i told him to call me if he had one, but i think he would be too polite for that. i told him i might call HIM, but i got a little carried away with laylee and the suicide girls just now. so maybe another time aha. anyway. after the movie, we had time to discuss it a little and everything, which was nice. then the adults came home and talked about the party and everything. haa it was very gossip compared to what i am used to hearing from my parents on that kind of event. there's nothing about the 55-year-old in the mini skirt, or the person whose face looked like it had been run over by a truck. it was interesting, at least, to get a different perspective. then they embarassed sallis to death by showing me the video they'd made for his 16th birthday this summer featuring lots of baby pictures and the 4 adults talking about what a good kid sallis is. and all kinds of people singing happy birthday. it was nice, but i should've insisted that i didn't want to see it, for sallis's sake. the adults were obviously very proud of it and everything, and i guess i didn't want to spoil their good time. then again, they were constantly making fun of sallis for the way he talks and everything. which is funny, i thought that maybe he got it from his parents or something. apparently not. i also thought he got his love of jummy buffett and celtic from them, but they also made fun of that. when we first came in, he made some comment and they were just kind of like ".....ooookay. nutcase." in not so many words. i mean, it's no wonder the poor kid thinks he's a weirdo and has no self-esteem. even his parents make fun of him, why would anyone else feel differently? i'm really preachy right now. sorry. i like sallis, though. he's a great kid. my dad came to pick me up eventually, and we all sort of stood around the doorway and talked for a few minutes. i think i must've said something funny, because sallis's dad gave me this weird tap thing on my shoulder. ahahahahaha that is pretty funny. to me. so we were saying goodbye and sallis tried to shake my hand. it was very cute. i sort of shook it a little, and then hugged him anyway. i hope he didn't mind too much. i probably invaded his space. well maybe he needs a little invasion every now and then. and i was the man for the job. *cue music*
i was not very happy that dad and dad alone was my chauffer this evening. no, no, no. we are not on good terms obviously. but when he came to get me, i was in this great mood and he was in this great mood, plus part of it was a thing about looking happy in front of sallis's family or something, i think. unconciously maybe. but anyway, i was being nice to him and he, of course, was being nice to me. so i couldn't very well just stop as soon as i realized it was happening, in the car. it made me really mad because i haven't really yelled at him, except for once, about being totally angry with him. and if i've just done this happy thing, then i'm obviously not totally angry. phh i fucked it all up. now what can i do god damn it. dad took the niceness as an opportunity to be especially talky to me and he did the touchy thing and eww. he's been kissing my head a lot the past few days and it's going to drive me insane. next time i think i'll fucking slap his face. i hate it. i hate him tricking himself into thinking that we are chums. god. i've done it again. i didn't want to end on a sour note. OH I SO DON'T HAVE TO.
brock called during the middle of the movie, "just to check up." the conversation was probably our shortest to date... about 30 seconds or something. it just made me really really really really happy. that was a highlight of the evening. obviously the other big highlight was simply the fact that i got to hang out with sallis. wow, i feel so honored. another highlight was that on the way home, brandon called to tell me about the bonfire madigan show. man. i really wish i could've been there. obviously. he was very non-braggy about it, which i really appreciated. he was nice about it, and got me something (i couldn't really tell what he said) and he's going to make me a copy of the live cd. hooray and many thanks to brandon. i love that puppy lump. when i got home, i went online and whatnot. talked to elise a little bit about this basic essay i wrote on my new interpretation of her music video "untouchable face" which can be read here in the commentaries. she did what i thought she'd do, which was forget that i was talking about the video and not her damned personal life. she was EXTREMELY non-talky. over the last couple months, we don't actually have a conversation unless she starts it. if i start it, i basically ramble and she says "haha," "yeah," and "depends on how you look at it." well that was tonight's vocabulary anyway. it's beginning to drive me nuts. HAHAH but i don't really have to deal with it, i guess so who cares. anyway. for the past few hours i have been talking to laylee. we tried to find nude blog layouts. there used to be a whole site, and we can't find it anymore. pretty sad. so we just ended up hanging out with the suicide girls. a pretty good evening, on a whole. too bad that most of the day was shit, and the entire week was shit. i mean, even the movie we watched was intensely depressing. i can't get away from sad and depress lately. well woops.

listening to: commander venus - peppermints

Saturday, November 15, 2003

cheese + turkey love mix for laylee

this is the tracklist. laylee, if you haven't listened to all of it yet, don't look!! because that was the whole reason i didn't get it to you personally. i'm serious!

1) Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Road Runner
2) The 5 6 7 8's - Woo Hoo
3) The Dead Milkmen - Laundromat Song
4) Interpol - Say Hello To Angels
5) The Raveonettes - Beat City
6) Sleater-Kinney - Off With Your Head
7) the Seconds - burning up
8) Bangs - I Want More
9) Gossip - Got Body If You Want It
10) The Frumpies - Baby Plays For Pritty
11) Libertines - I Get Along
12) Palomar - slingshot
13) Selby Tigers - Droid
14) Stereo Total - LA, CA, USA
15) Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Poodle Rockin'
16) Lunachicks - Jerk of all trades
17) Tullycraft - Pop Songs Your New Boyfriend's Too Stupid To Know About
18) James Kochalka Superstar - Monkey Vs. Robot
19) Frank Black - Headache
20) Throwing Muses - Shark
21) amazing plaid - a backpack mystery
22) The Slits - Shoplifting
23) Tracy + The Plastics - Hey Rubella
24) Peaches - Set It Off
25) Semiautomatic - Resident Genius
26) Deerhoof - Magic Star
27) Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
28) The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
29) Talking Heads - Pulled Up

i think i'm going to make a version for brock and swap out the songs i've already put on mixes for him. aha. i'm nuts. jesus.

listening to: deerhoof - magic star
You have BAD AIDS!!! This is the opposite of good
aids. Good aids is socially acceptable, but BAD
AIDS is only contracted through touching a
Libertine too much in the genital area.. and/or
looking at one for too long.

Which Libertines Sexually Transmitted Disease are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


i'll be brave tonight

another new blog layout. i already think this one is old. it's so ...... green. well, who knows. maybe it will grow on me. i like the image and the quote, but i'm too lazy to mess with colors and fonts myself right now.
it was a pretty good day. another one of those where the day SHOULD suck and it doesn't. this week was so bad, that today couldn't really help but be good. if it had been bad, i could've like. filed a complaint to jesus or something. i fell the fuck asleep last night trying to study. again. good god this is getting old.
we had an english test on the age of innocence, which i am proud to say, was my first sparknotes test. i only read about 100 pages of that shit. and i wanna be a kennedy, what can i say? i think i did pretty well on it. who cares, though, because an english test day means that laylee, margaret, jenny, and katherine w come to our lunch. hooray! it was so relaxing, not having to listen/talk to nisha. i guess i should feel bad for the people who DID have to talk to her, but jenny doesn't hate her or anything. jenny is nice. unlike me. i have no soul.
i also had tests in ap u.s. and latin, which didn't go very well. or maybe i was just more pessimistic at the end of the day. i don't care anymore, because god blessed me and made today friday. after school, brock came home with us. that made me really happy, because he said last night that he wanted to just go home and chill today. i mean it was nice that he wanted to take a day off and everything, but i like having company. we went to sonic of course. mmm. aaahaha. we sat around over here, and tried to find a movie to watch but our wide selection somehow seemed very selective tonight. we talked about renting something, but it seemed like a hassle to make mom drive out and get one. plus brock still wanted to be home early and everything, so there wasn't really time to do that by the time mom got up from her nap. however, unaware that brock was about to leave, she suggested we see a movie. brock called his mom and asked if she could come and get him, morgan, and me and take us to paradiso. unfortunate: brock's family had decided to do some family dessert outing thing, and they were all in the car on the way to my house when he asked. they hadn't told him about it, and he was like "oh well we don't have to go to the movie" and everything, but brock's family is brock's family therefore they were like "whatever" and took us anyway, even though they weren't very happy about it. brock does that kind of thing sometimes. to a different extent. he "whatever"s a lot of things, and endures a lot of shit he isn't happy with. it makes him really hard to read. that's okay.
we saw "love actually" which was a pretty good movie. i LOVE movies with brock, as i've said. we are so dramatic. even when i'm really really into a movie, i'm mostly internal about it, but not with brock. when something awkward or pathetic happens, brock can't look at the screen. he's so sympathetic. it's great. he usually leans over in his seat, and i rub his back. sometimes he just covers his face, depending on the trauma. during suspense, he is an arm grabber. during "matchstick men" we spent most of the movie clutching each other. simply because any kind of suspense is painful. during tender moments, i lean my head on his shoulder and it's all very nice. he also does this thing i love where he sort of strokes your elbow. aw i love that thing. is it strange that we are more physical in the theatre than anywhere else?
mom picked us up, and i got annoyed that she had brought the dogs and there was barely room in the car for all of us because she'd also taken out the back seat of the damn car. it seems like i get really easily frustrated right after a movie. i don't know why. it's just another weird fucking thing i do, i guess. ah well. wow my thumb is really flat on one side. i wonder, has it always been that way? so we took brock home. morgan and i watched i love the 80s and some music videos. actually she fell asleep. dad has been trying to talk to me and act like everything is fine. actually he's trying to be nicer than normal. i'm about to explode. i've basically just been doing the silence thing but he obviously doesn't get it. next time he pats my fucking shoulder or kisses me on the head, i am going to fucking scream. i'm going insane this way. he acts all offended when i seem upset with him, but he still hasn't actually confronted me about the issue. i was waiting for him to do it, because it's his fucking issue to begin with and because i'm obviously not talking to him unless it's necessary. oh yeah, yesterday i added my last post to letter from memphis. it was a sad moment. but i figured i should just go ahead and explain why i stopped blogging there so that people would quit asking me and i wouldn't have to say it anymore. but of course, now that i've actually written it, no one has read it and no one else has asked me. so i'm a little put out. but whatever. maybe dad will see it and leave me the fuck alone. man i didn't want to end on such a sour note. i'm having a good day, and i intend to have a good weekend. anyone up for driving me to new orleans tomorrow ho ho ho? well. anyone up for hanging out, at least? god damn.

listening to: kill hannah - ten more minutes with you