i'm going to marry dr. bob.

high in the middle

today has been very difficult. but it had to happen, and i am sort of glad that it did. now all i want is sleep but i've got pounds of homework and oodles of eggnog to drink.

we gotta blow up those things we don't understand

look out for classic alanna weekend post. starting now!
friday: school went surprisingly well. brock was out of town, on a college visit in boston. we had senior out-to-lunch, so katherine, alice, laylee, sallis, and i went to atlanta bread company, where there were surprisingly no other white station kids. laylee ordered for me, and i love her. we talked about college, which doesn't bother me anymore. i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. we then went to ck's for the world's fastest dessert and had to zoom back to school to make it on time. of course we hit every red light and screamed the whole way back to school. i'm convinced that our excitement is what got us back to class on time. i then had to take a math test which i feel like i did really well on. so i probably failed. all in all, the day flew by. it's amazing how much psychology brings me down. fuck that class. after school, katherine, morgan, and i came home and watched "requiem for a dream" which is an AMAZING movie. it's really intense, very well done, great score.... again, i wish saw katherine more since for some reason she's so good to watch and talk about movies with. after she went home, morgan and i went over to janelle's apartment, where she, eileen, and alex had already started the making of vegan mashed potatoes and eggplant lasagna. well technically alex was being the man and sitting on the couch. or playing with janelle's adorable kitten. so morgan and i pitched in to help and in "no time at all" (read: after several disasters) the dinner was served. we settled down on the carpet with our plastic cups of sparkling apple juice to watch "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." finally, oh finally. months after the planning. it went really nicely, though. even if i was too stuffed to eat most of my dinner... i felt bad about that. but my body really isn't used to food, and after my massive lunch, i couldn't handle it. so janelle drove us home after that. it was midnight and i was really tired. i called brandon anyway, but he was busy. so i went to bed.
saturday: woke up at 11:30 to the sound of my mother screaming. like always. basically i worked on college stuff all day. i still don't know where i'm going, but at least i've finished filling out the common app. most of the places i'm applying to (so far) use it, so that is good. i'm so ridiculously behind on this stuff. i'm pretty angry with myself. but whatever. so i didn't feel up for going to the our own voice workshop, or to see "the incredibles" with my family. i talked to brandon on the phone for a few minutes. i think that's the only human contact i had (outside my family) all day. i don't even regret it. katherine and brett helped me a little with applications. i want to die. i go to bed around 2.
sunday: woke up at 9:30 to the sound of my phone ringing. go figure. bothered around the computer. sat on the couch and talked college with mom. listened to her and dad try to calculate how much money they're going to be paying, how much in loans. that was painful. sallis came to steal me away, and we drove around the city a little. hung out around church on the river, bumbled through downtown, ate massive sandwiches at zinnie's east, bought blue sky sodas at square foods, grabbed some hopefully helpful college stuff from sallis's house, and swang at peabody park. i haven't hung out with that kid forever, and it was quite nice. when we got home, brett was here borrowing books from my mom. we talked for a little while in my kitchen before his dad picked him up. and here i be. avoiding life.

listening to: dead milkmen - big lizard in my backyard

because you're mistletoe

after school today, we had an honors society meeting where we made little packed lunches for homeless people. nobody could tell me exactly what place we were sending them to, which seemed kind of depressing. it also makes you think about the fact that we're only doing this one day, out of one whole year. what are these people eating otherwise? well, i put five cookies in every ziploc baggie, so that should make them happy. i've got to start volunteering at a soup kitchen or something before i fall apart from disuse.
when we had finished cookie-packing, katherine and i went to the library where we bought coffee and talked to margaret and katherine w, who volunteer there, for a little while. i think their supervisor lady decided we were distracting them, so katherine and i fled to the third floor. we nabbed window seats in the corner and had a long discussion about alanna and katherine things. i miss her a lot. i really wish we saw more of each other, because talking to her is really important to my life and well-being. this is not a joke. i think we have connective minds. we looked at some college books for about an hour, too, and katherine can even make that unscary. she helps me breathe better. my mom came and picked me up at around 7:15. who knew we'd been there so long? it was quite nice.
speaking of nice conversations, william called me last night. we talked for a very long time about the state of the world and our own selves. i miss him a lot, too, in a different way. although i wish i could talk to him more as well since it makes me feel a lot better. i remembered the feeling of may, how happy i was, how much promise life was about to feed me. i had forgotten how idealistic he is, which is amazing. i'm the same way, and lately it's been making me feel really silly and naive. it's good to know i'm not alone, i think. he is supposed to be coming back to memphis soon, and i really hope i can spend some time with him. fuck shit up. save something a little bit.
my neck and shoulders are really sore. maybe it's a sign that katherine is right-- we're the kind of people who try to carry the weight of the world.

listening to: luna - astronaut

keeps me from thinking

last night, laylee and brock picked me up at 10 to go to hi-tone for the holly golightly show. luckily, the door guy let us in, which was very good. my hands are still x-ed and i look hardcore. becca and christine arrived shortly after we did. the opening band, the woggles, didn't start until after 10:30 but they were really awesome. we danced, which we haven't done in forever, and i was very happy about that. it wore me out more than it should've. the band used the entire space of the small hi-tone and jumped off the stage and ran around and climbed on counters. it was great. they got a pretty good handful of indie kids up there dancing, which is way impressive considering the venue and our city. so i was really happy about that. after they ended, we waited around a while, but brock had to be home by 12:30 so we didn't see any of holly golightly, which really disappointed me. i would've at least liked to see a song. i hate that i spent all my money on that show. 10 muthafuckin bucks. which means no weakerthans tonight and probably no bella sun tomorrow. oh well. happiness costs way too much. tomorrow is senior out to lunch. i hope it is okay.
on the announcements this morning, coach owens came on backed by the indoor soccer team to annouce that a junior, okechi womeodu, died last night at a game. he was all choked up. seeing him like that was really weird. he's my silly ex-homeroom teacher, who brags about starring in an equadorian car commercial. my whole homeroom was in shock. i nearly cried. i am not exactly sure what happened, i heard several stories. okechi either died of an aneurism or heart failure. the school brought in some "mental health professionals" to talk to the people who were close to him. some of my teachers allowed kids to postpone tests if they were too upset to take them. and yet, none of my friends were upset or even effect by his death. i guess i've just been so sensitive and raw lately. is there something wrong with me? am i not supposed to feel depressed by this? today i was really angered by other people's happiness. i really shouldn't be posting this on my blog. sorry to everyone who is happy right now. i don't want to bring you down.

listening to: dykehouse - chain smoking

show's over, folks

i'm partly glad to have more free time on my hands, partly relieved that i can forget all these lines, and then i'm partly anxious now that i have nothing to focus my energy on. also nothing to blame my late nights and dead days on... although i'm sure they'll keep happening. they always do. i really need to focus on getting everything done for school and college, and also get working on some new projects. as long as i always have a viewpoint to look forward to, a realistic short term goal, i'll be fine. i hope. it's the unrealistic short term goals that really get to me. i hope that things'll be all sorted out soon. right now i'm just looking ahead to thanksgiving break. i need some time to recharge. i wish for strength to all of us trying to get through a terrifyingly slow year.

in short

today was surprisingly unawful. i debated staying home again, but decided that i need to save up my sick days. the last two periods of the day were significantly shortened because of some silly sports activity. directly after school, katherine, brock, and i went to starbucks and had a lovely talk until about 5 at which point katherine dropped me off at home. mom took morgan and i to zoe's birthday party almost immediately; her dad drove us to theatreworks; we put on a great show for a pretty big house. afterwards we had a photo call (hopefully results will be online soon...). zoe took her friend katy, morgan, and me back to her house for some barbie doll cake and naughty talk. it was a nice evening. i'm drained. tomorrow is morgan's birthday celebration, and you should come.

me and morgan-- no similiarities, right?

ode to joy

i've discovered that somehow in between the time my mother tried to call the cheesecake corner on my cell phone this afternoon and when i picked it up again, the damn thing mysteriously deleted its entire memory bank. so now i have no phone numbers, no more working voicemail, possibly no more text messages? not that i used those anyway, but i'm damn confused. it won't save the settings i put into it, and i haven't even attempted to rebuild my phonebook yet. it sort of puts your life in perspective when you realize whose numbers you have memorized and whose you don't. at any rate, the whole point of this post was just to alert people since i don't know if i can even get calls right now. but if you could also help me rebuild my friend brigade by giving me your numbers some time soon, i would really appreciate it. via email, slips of paper in my locker, telegram, fire brigade, etc. it don't matter...

give me dead

today at school was horrifically depressing. it started out with a chocolate donut, conversation with my great friend margaret, and a little bit of hope. it ended in depression and near-tears into a vanilla milkshake. i don't know what's more pathetic. i really can't believe that bush is president again, and i don't know what to do. we watched kerry's concession speech in pre-calculs from the couch, holding nervous hands and trying to be light-hearted about it. my shock and sadness surprise me. everybody is stirred to act somehow. eileen's rallying people to go to the "what do we do now?" type meeting at media co-op tomorrow night. allison says she wants to start something, do SOMETHING at our school, just to put something positive in the world. there's an intense need to create, to act, to believe in something greater. i'll get behind anything right now. i was looking forward to sudan awareness week, but it's mostly just that-- goddamn awareness. watching a video, having a speaker. i feel like there's so little action. i need to DO and there's nothing doing. i predict that the play this weekend will be teeming with passion. after that i'll have no direction, and i need to not feel useless. if anyone has ideas, please get me there.
i came home to my sister, who stayed home sick (half emotional, i think) on her 15th birthday. we tried to get happy with a massive dinner at pho saigon and dessert from the cheesecake corner. i like that the cheesecake man remembers me. morgan opened purple birthday presents; we wore hats, sang songs, and made merry. a strange conclusion to a weary day.
a girl in my psychology class made a depressingly humorous joke (which i've been repeating all day -- sorry) about how since bush has been reelected and he's going to get to appoint like 4 justices to the supreme court, they're going to reinstate the draft and overturn roe vs. wade. so we'll all be pregnant and in the army. i can't wait.

DOY

finally up to its old tricks.