the smoker sensation of always needing to be somewhere else.
need to go out to smoke. need to go back in to the real.
no one needs you anywere.
the antsiness. the wrongness. the wait, why did i come here? the wait, whhat do i need? need need need and it isn't in this room. or should go, should not be.
all along i've thought it's nicotine talking to me - is there someone else too?
(a weird feeling at the napping house tonight - feeling that i just shouldn't be there. keep itching to leave. but maybe probably did that to myself.)

terrible typoed text-to-speech while walking peppy

The tuss and tumble of two chickadees twittering twirling twisting as one in the scrap grass in the dirt in that little block of green brown green by the sidewalk in Spring Green Spring Green ground spraying inside lock screen twisting tumbling as one twisting curving Trent twirling twin twisting testing twins turning am I watching them fucking is this fun or ugly? Are they happy that they know that? Do they know that? Chickadees may be chickadees it’s fun to say at least. And the green spring birds flying one to as one to anyone birds to as one.

In the street on the concrete in the green brown spring and the green springs, the right angle in the road flag place down stands up blaze down the flag at squirrels tail that’s all there is to for the flag waving up and down goodbye I don’t know what to ask for anymore. Forgiveness? Or rage?

I used to ask the roadkill ghosts for their forgiveness and their aid. i used to plead. i used to tell them they’re beautiful they’re beautiful I’m sure they know. i used to tell them I’m sorry I’m so sorry you’re beautiful please forgive us please help us.

Then I felt we didn’t deserve their help. Haven’t they given enough? then I asked for their rage I said rest in power. I said stay hard. I said stay angry. I asked for their fire.

Now I don’t know what to ask can I even ask for anything? What do I think I deserve? Why do I think I’ve done for them? Just my little prayers. Why do I think they want my little prayers? How much is a witness? I see the squirrels now mostly. It’s a shame that they survive this winter only to be smashed into the street. It’s all a shame. I am ashamed. I see in the street everything to me I worry that used to live at used to run it and breathe. For a long time I started saying my little prayers before I even got close enough to see The for her bones. For a long time my eyes were playing tricks on me. I would think I saw a corpse but it would just be a blown out tire. It would just be shoes. For long time still I’m tense at any object in the road. Sometimes it’s just leaves. Now I am wondering about what vision so I’m singing with signs. I’m wondering aren’t they all aren’t they all corpses? And leather of the shoe from some unknown cow? Whose hands crafted this blood went into the machines that built it? What plants what fiber? Isn’t everything deserving of a shrine? Isn’t it all made out of death? Now

Now I don’t know what to ask for. I don’t know. when I’m driving down my normal road between my walks to different dogs and in the middle of the street is a flag waving and the flag is attached to the body Evelyn wants squirrel and the flag is a tail and it is waving, I don’t know what to ask for. You are still beautiful. You were always beautiful. Your rage or your forgiveness, they are not mine to ask for.

Everything a corpse. Everything I pass on the street, on the walk, of course. A corpse. I find it hard to look. Whether it’s TRASH or a body I find it hard to look. Here is coral baby in the middle of the alley. Mouth open eyes open holes. The Gloup and gloom of rot rotting flesh. I force myself to look. I don’t know how to see this. I don’t know how to on see it. Everything is baby, as Kathleen says. These babies gone sour gone sallow, these babies no mothers no homes. Who will care for these corpses in the street in the green brown spring in the green and brown dirt? All the watches over them is rubble. Is 10 cans is plastic and Styrofoam is melting cardboard in the rain and the sweat in my heat in the sun and then she mentioned that heat of the spring time sun coming down green brown coming down. None of this is words I’m writing none of this this is significant kind of power this is a new kind of poem One that lies one that speaks lies. I knew kind of boring told out loud told unwell. Maybe I must learn to enunciate or else except what I get from my mouth to this mouth no hands problems. Pepe is ready. Pepe is always ready and always has been. Petty is baby

if it’s two mirrors, one is round. But it might be none. Done I don’t know about the stop and start stopping while I’m still talking why do you do this to my phone. I have the urge to rhyme when I’m speaking this way. But it’s hard to make that rhymes with the lips and say. It’s hard to say that rhymes out loud if I want them to stay. Rhymes with speaks are stupid now. Rhymes with thing. Rhymes with fingers make more sense. and with fingers make more sense if this thing will ever actually seen saying what I want will keep recording the words I’m saying then here’s all the planets your girls this year it’s more of a tear drop Van Ness fear. I must learn to enunciate I wonder I wonder will it hear me better if I’m saying in clever??? Will it hear my words more whatever let me know my cards for her words.

chords

Do you know me better there? Do you think the clever?

Peppy I Am Merely (Nearly) Human

last night all night

ahere i go sneaking again
in my own home!
starting to feel okay again
now that i have a purpose with a pen
not a pen but fingers and keys
never learning aim to plesae
stomach sick stomach sore
boring boring boring bore

the point is. the point. the point is.
i have a fucking problem with codepenancy.
it's true and it's sick and i fucking hate putting tihs on you. i feel disgusting. i feel like trash. i don't kow how to get rid of it. i don't kow any way back.
i can't be good enough for you.
the last few days - since you dyed your hair - you've been so happy. so much yourself. so alive. lifght. i can feel myself draining you. i can feel how needy i am. how i've been draining you all along. how now that you have filled your cup, i am just sucking at it, leeching away. i am the toxic one. i am the crazymaker. i am everything i didn't want to be for you. for anyone. i am fucking up over and over and over i have no idea what to do. i say "i need to get back in therapy" i've been sayign it for months. but what the fuck do i tink that's going to do
?! it won't fix me. i won't be better for a long time. everything is wrong. i am way past broken.
there's teh light flicker of a tv on in somene's bedroom window, second floor. there's a light flicker as the bugsppass over the lamp post lantern light. the soft shiver of the white crepe myrstle????
i have been forcing you to worry about me. giving me your energy.
okay i guess not forcing but ..... i fel manipulative. i feel like a wretch. i do not feel like a beauty maker. i do not feel like a lover. it's me, i am the toxic one. i am the one who hurt me. it's me, i am the cycle.
why do non-tobacco cigarettes always hurt more? why does it seem like they burn the tongue annd throat instantly, and almost anything is smoking one too fast? is the power of nicotine just to make you not feel those things from teh cigarette? is that all teh drug does? the magic of fire you can't feel. is that why we love the spell?
mayhbe there's a thought there but it's half baked. half cooked. pathetic. like all my other thoughts. wasted. useless. goner. overdone. halfdone. undone. never nothing. none. shut the fuck up and go home. a meager image, a stale old bone.
what the fuck even now you are trying to rhyme. why? why? why? justkeep fucking trying you piss of shit. what the fuck do you think is gonna happen. something ? no. NO. you will always do this, nothing but this, nothing but piss. just drivel dripping down your fingers. just empty weary letters wither. disgust. disgust. distrust. no. no. no. no. there will never not be nothing. there will never not be garbage. there will always be you, sucuk in this body in this mind in this hell of repetition and forever gross forever ghsot. new? something ebtter? something different


i guess i messed up in the dark. what teh fuck else is new. nothing.
forever forever forever just tihs. forever my whole deal taking a piss.
why did i think i could have your kiss
why did d i think it would be different than this.

why did i think i could be better
why did i think we could better.
why didn't i know this is always the way it's goin to be no matter what and forever.
stare at the leaves and see teh summer
something is coming and something's a goner.
nothign sallow wilting longer.
help help help help help
my rhyming father's daughter
my crying mother's daughter

do i actually feel high from this fucking cbd shit
wahat is the damn deal
i smoked one of these hemp-ettes
and now i feel a i've drifted
what and were does my mind go
is it because i've told it so
did i malet teh tether long
did i wish i'm made of song
yes forever yes forever yes
my voice has flown out of my chest
i wish it would i wish it could
but nothing better beter best
nothing beterer nothing yet.
my voice is stuck in tiny humns. my voice melodies writ on rum. my voice the pieces silent sung. my voice a kite that's too far flung.
slipping away sickly slidde slipping slide away
healing nothing healing fine
burping along to ninety nine ninety nine
whipser
nienty nine
hehere
hear
here my heart is beating fine
why can you see only rhyme
when will i better will i different
never, honey, lay down in it
do i even care what i write?
dthere's nothing here to hate or like
whydo i think smoeking this is a good idea
who saidanything about good ideas
NONE nothing NONE nothing NONE
why do i think i'm worth a some

pillow fader pillow farther
little later little longer
but just good get gone now you
but a sling sucks to your shoe
nine and nine is mine and crew
slick pea sweet knee not this goo
why do i why do i why do i do
where do i go if not with you
just chug this beer and let's be done.
why is ihs my only rhyming SCHUME. SCUM.
i'm sick of this i'm sick of it i'm sick of this i'm sick of it. type type type. why why why. bleed it out until you dry. OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP WHY IS TIHS MY ONLY RHYME. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

if i felt kablooed after that first smoke, look how i'm gonna feel now. am i gonna be enough for just one beer? what am i gonna need? how do i fuel this fire? how do i stay so dire?
i womdner why i'm herein this rhyme. i wonder what happens, every time. how di get here. why do i tryl.
STOP. okaoiwh
oh my god. help.
really i'm stuck relaly sreally relaly.
what does that?!?!?! is it booze? night? ocd brains? the rhyme the RHYME it won't let me stop. i'm trying hard to stop the clock. OH MY GOD am i though?
?
okay
is it just that i'm actually relaly distressed about something and i don't know how to write it real. is it that i still can't express how i feel.
HELP.
i think actually yeah. it's just a bgi distraction. the way that lplaying a game on my phone would be. or scrolling or something. it's teh instant grafication.
i haear a crackle in the yard nearby. will i spy a new fried or will they wander by?
a leaf and cracke. a rustle sigh.
how much moves your body in the window?
how much meter memory do most carry?
why does that even pretend to matter. stupid.
why can't i shake these stupid sentence structures.
i just want to go somewhere new but i' stuck i n sthese fuckign rhymes. i'm so mad. i'm having to fight.
aoeg
maybe that's not what i get from teh night.
maybe this is just my plight.
OR
GODDAMIT
MAYBE TIHS IS the distraction the ultimate distraction from myslef. talk about compartmnetalizing goddamn. talk about adhd. talk about gone forever away and a day. talk about no.
talk about you were just having this important realization when you went into crazy rhyme dumbass land.
you are a drain on your partner. you are stifling their energy. you love each other. you are full of love for each other you. but you are demanding too much energy. too much time. you are being codpenedent as fuck. you need to learn new pattern.s you need to unlearn tehse old patterns. can you do it while you're in a relationship??? (can you do it when you're NOT in a relationsip?)

i just got stuck in spell check for 300 years. thatnks keyculator. i mean i do appreciate that you have the capapbitly. you're a good guy. you know that? a real good guy. glad we came out tonight. good going, us.
DID I NEED TIHS? can i continue to pretend that i need this? how much more do i need? how much do i need now? how much am i gonna dneed again? why does booze work like this? WHY DOES ANYTHING WORK LIKE THIS. i get real good then real grumpy when i dont drink. just like i get real happy then rela sad when i go off antidperessants. except booze is a depressant. so shouldnt i just stay happy. what. i want more. i'm grumpy that jerel drank my second to last yueng ling. i get grumpy when they drink my booze, even though sometimes they buy it for me. i never drink theirs. (but i rarely buy theirs. except i buy it when we're out of the house. and i buy other stuff. but they buy stuff. why am i worried about his this is so stupid. )
i just want one more. but there isn't one more.
r

remembering body, remembering music. dance. what a thing. what a feeling. how much i imagine and make into small moves. is tihs the big thing???? maybe the moving body can create music and words and pictures together - maybe better than movies. what about it. you never liked light. go to the stage.
but gotta say tonight's meeting felt pretty okay. despite all this sadness despite all the mess business i want to make myself be, tonight's meeting was. well. now that i'm looking back-- good. i really appreciate the group that was in the room - kind of a bwierd bunch together. i love that. i LIVE for that. basically gender segrated, as almost always. oh well. the circle round starting from the southeast corner, coming counter-clockwise - ben siler, brett, me, jerelle, sarah r----, elizabeth, court. a lot of people who don't know each other that well. this is what i wanted. this is what i always want. i want to see these people become in rooms together, become twosomes and threesomes and genius poly configurations that make the thing happen. i want to see it all happen. that's always been my job. let it be my job. let me not be anxious and let me revel in my job. let me just bring them to the ground and let them build the mountain. HA what a fucking egotist. what a piece of scum. what a nightmare to work with. what a selfish bitch. what a hohohohohohoag. hoagie.
i'm having another one of these weird green fake cigarettes. the one with stars in their green butts. i dont even.
i didn't even buy my plane ticket tonight.
i didn't apologize to the people i should.
i didn't say thank you.
i didn't make plans.
this stuff i'm smoking it again teh green one. it's stronger than iwould think it is. that is to say, YET AGAIN, that cbd does stuff to me that i don't expect. i think - it's not weed, it won't get me. but it do. my head feels foggy and my ovaries feel tight. wind whistles through the spiny trees and flies friends to the night. the pollen falls around my feet, in my hair it lights. without their pollen we haven't got left anything too nice.
haha it's good to write bad rhymes. but yeah. done with that. FOR NOW.
wouldn't it be better to dance tho.
wouldn't it always be better
i've been doing yoga for a few days HAHA look at me pretending like i'm doigng stuff or making habits with this stupid few days bullshit.
suddenly (ha really?) feeling suicidal. what did i do this time. what would i ever do different. haaaaaaa what a nightmare. what aa joke. never will i ever
i expected this lil weed seed baby smokey treat to be the calm kind, what i get from my own herbal rollies, or at least the fearsome fire of a tobacco style smoke. instead i get the woosh brain smooth smallness that i associate with my weed panic - is it just my association doing this? or am i allergic to the wrong part of the drug? everyone else says this stuff doesn' fuck with their heads. okay okay.
WELL
i wasn't supposed to write about htat
i'm saying
i am gonna buy that plane ticket tomorrow.
i'm gonna talk to donna.
it will be okay somehow. for now.
ha.

even my cat is judging me!!!

I HAVE TO LET MYSELF HAVE WHOLE DAYS JUST FOR WRITING

keyculator affirmation defense

4/1/19 - fool's day.
my good mood swift swung sour. what did go wrong? working through the artist's way, i am supposed to write out an affirmation about how i am a real and good artist, and then write out all the negative feedback that my subconscious brain sends back to me. this is at once easy and hard. as i get going, i think of more and more awful things i tell myself, i fill a page. it's really putting me into a bad mad sad mood to be tellign myself these things right now-- they really do work!! and now the book wants me to flip each of these bad "blurts" into positive affirmations that i am from now on supposed to say to myself every morning. ugh. this afternoon i cried aka my throat closed up every time i tried to read through the affirmations she has just in the book - i deserve a rich and fulling creative life - etc. wuff. who says?? so yeah this is even harder. i'm stalling when court comes in, i'm trying to explain how i can't just write the 100% opposite of the bad self-talk and she says why not? and why not try it? and i'm saying because i don't want to and because i don't care about that stuff and it does't mean anything to me. but i'm getting defensive and she's like maybe this is why you need to do it, and it's just making me more irritated.
(as i'm writing this, it's making me feel like there is something here related to my general dislike of white woo women and their homogenous ideas. what if everyone really did walk around saying "i belong here" and "i am perfect as i am" and bullshit like that? what if we were all that entitled? what if everyone thought/felt the same things?)
((is this a real fear? am i just being defensive? am i actually wrong? does everyone belong here?))
so i'm using these examples with court - the first one is all the way made up but it does sound like what i would do. if my negative belief is "i'm ugly" i don't want to say "i'm beautiful." instead i would say "i'm bringing ugly back!" to me, this is powerful and real and motivating. why? because i don't care about beautiful. ugly is awesome. i have written a lot about that already, how i want to "reinvent what ugly does." but this example doesn't work for court.i try again, with a real one from the loony bin when that asshole gave us CBT worksheets.
"i don't belong here and there's no place for me in this world" becomes "CARVE IT OUT!" again, this is empowering to me! motivating! YES i have a goal and something to do! a VISION! (i need to have a vision to have a reason to live. that's quite motivating in the loony bin.)
she says "why don't you just say 'i belong in this world' because you're a human and you do belong here?" and this makes my skin crawl. but, being me, my hackles are raising up and my eyes are dancing and my thoughts get fuzzy and i say-- who knows what i said?! i'm in serious defensive mode here. i am physically feeling it. it happened so quickly. now that i'm writing this all out, it feels like it makes sense and i can logically answer what i couldn't say to court 20 minutes ago -- i DON'T think humans automatically belong here, or that all of us do, or something.
oh yeah, i said something to her about, to say "i belong here" would be like saying "the world is fine and i'm fine in it" and she says no it's not the same. and i say actually the world is garbage and it feels bad to say it's fine. and she says the world is not garbage. and i say okay well the world isn't inherently garbage but we sure have fucked it up.
i don't know. maybe we have teh same ideas but different ways of expressing tehm.
or maybe what i was saying didn't make sense at the time because i'm not good at talking, but it makes sense now and there's nothing wrong with my take on this affirmation exercise. (i do feel a lot more calm now.)
OR maybe at heart, i'm just a pissy middle schooler reading adbusters and bitching about the system. a debbie downer. nothing is ever gonna be good enough for me. my ideas are not fully formed, my perspective is miopic and closed. (is this true? i think that's how people see me but it's not how i see myself. because i do see beauty. just right now, i look up at my wall - the true cost of coal poster from the beehive collective - and i know that i am right - or right with myself, that is. right to see the world as sick. right to be dissatisfied. to feel like positivity can be poison. but also i know there's magic and renewal, despite how broken our culture is. to me, the poster is screaming "CARVE IT OUT!" just like i want to. visions of a new world. i don't want to say "i belong here" when "here" isn't home. i don't want to let go of my visions. i imagine myself saying "i belong here" and "i deserve to be here" and i feel my Self fading as my future visions die. i can't imagine holding both. how could i say that and hold the gate?)))) where were we with these parentheses.
the other part of it, i am now realizing, also has to do with my "weird" thinking about humans and bodies and death. i've already lost a way to say it that makes sense. but it's related to ghost life.... "i" is moving. "i" has died a hundred times. we can say that, we've seen it. "i" belong "here" is......?
i don't kow where that was going. maybe it'll come back.
anyway before all this. this is what always happens. it takes longer to recount the event than it took to happen. why do i bother? (i used to love this so much, when i blogged. it was so important to me to catalog. is it meaningful in some way? or useful? i can't imagine. maybe one day it will come in handy for something.)
so court and i had this conversation. i got real worked up real fast. defensive - not mean - but "intense" morgan would say. my thinking is unbending. these feelings are big for me. and then court left awkwardly and i'm just falling falling into my grouchiness and disappointment. i feel like SHIT partially from writing all these awful "blurts" that feel really really real in my body as i write them. and then feeling as if i have to defend that i'm doing the affirmations exercise THE WAY I WANT TO DO IT rather than the way someone else wants me to. (it doesn't even say in the book that they should be the exact opposite of the blurts! i feel like court was putting that idea on it and i didn't like how that felt.) geez it feels so much more clear now that it's written. i guess this is why i do this.
so yeah. that all happened. i was defensive for reasons taht make a lot of sense. things escalated quickly because i was in a vulnerable state. and i felt like shit. i didn't know what to do. i asked the tarot, am i being a big dumb baby about this?
(Was court right that i was being stagnant and unbending in my thinking? was she right to judge me for hating positivity? am i actually blocked in this way? is there something wrong with not feeling comfortable saying affirmations like "i belong here" and "i am clever" and "i have original ideas" etc??)
AM I JUST BEING A BIG DUMB BABY?
(shuffling, the deck cuts itself in half, with three a group of three cards turning away and out to me - i only see first one on top but the whole group is talking. and opposite, the bottom card on the top half of the cut deck, the ace of cups reversed. court just got this card as well. DUMPING out. letting go of emotion and energy. goodbye.)
7 of pentacles
daughter of cups
the magician

7 of pentacles is a very neutral card, only black ink and no living figures. just lines, seeming to go on forever. the pentacles connect the lines where they meet in right angles, in a diagonal across the card. this card is about work, its unending nature, but having teh ability to step back and see the big picture. look how far you've come. it keeps going but you're doing it.
maybe a neutral reflection on what has happened. looking at yourself honestly. that's more important than judging yourself as a baby or not. are we making progress? can we still see ourselves? (wondering when i started referring to myself in plural all the time when i'm writing. it makes so much sense always, especially writing because it feels like channeling - or bringing together parts of myself that are disparate.) (that's teh other weird part of "i" statements - how can i act like i am one thing? maybe i can't say "i am beautiful" because part of me never will be and never wants to be. maybe part of me never wants to belong. does that mean i am broken? sick? do you know how it feels to be sick so long? how you spit on my progress with your pressing?)
7 of pentacles is netural reflection. looking back in order to look ahead.
page of cups is a favorite card - truthfully, i love all the pages, but of course i have a soft spot for this swan, and her rainbow shadow water. yes her SHADOW self is rainbow and she's delighted in exploring it. the simplicity of inspiration. the simplicity, honesty, of real raw emotions. first thoughts, first feelings. the wonder of the world. the rawness.
(this is something i don't want to lose. again this gets me thinking about the homogenous Woo cloud. or any sort of homogeounous culture stuff. and yeah i don't want to "belong" if it means i've gotta twist my ideas to your standards. no thank you.)
THE MAGICIAN. my power card. my dream archetype. this one is especially important to see. hi hello you can be in your body and in your power and access the infinite universe and also be fucking strong and staunchly independent and grounded in your worldview. or - willing and open to change, looking for action and new ideas - but there are some concepts you have to stand on that are not going to change or go away and that is how you know you're still standing in the world as your "self" - everyone deserves love. everyone deserves justice. binaries are boring. etc. whatever. i don't have all that fully articulated now. or probably ever. but the point is that this card always makes me feel powerful, or like an imagined powerful version of myself (especially in this deck, as the jaguar, with the red/orange/yellow streaks from a black sun.) it makes me feel - i have a grasp on what is important. i have glimpsed magic. i might be able to access it if i worked on my balance and learned how to weild the tools. (the tool of MY BODY and the tools of creation/creativity. tools of conduction. tools to become a conduit. LOVE AND MAGIC. CLOWN. AHHHHH!!! okay.) experiencing the power of life by letting go of ego. the beginning of action, of new projects. the ability to harness energy and create magic. a connection to the unknown. in a way, a gate keeper. or yeah, a conduit. okay i'm just repeating myself now. i love this card.

to recap: i was working on the artist's way exercises, then i had that conversation with court. the combination made me very defensive and irritated. i asked the tarot if i was being a sad grumpy baby. i wasn't really sure what the answer was until i started writing. i have written a lot. i have written more than i intended, as per usual. i have written and that's all i want. this book/program is supposed to help me get creatively unblocked, get in touch with my Self, and get to fucking work. perhaps this isn't the intended effect, but i think it's working. this doesn't mean i get to stop, of course. i never actually wrote my new affirmations. wait nevermind i wrote a couple. doing the best i could -
-i am deserving.
-i have interesting ideas and my perspectives are worth sharing.
-i am recovering and discovering myself, taking care of myself, and becoming friends with myself
-i am just as cool as i want to be

but it's not done of course. it's never done. i have to write something i can actually believe in. it's all about the power of words, of course. then i have to say it to myself, again and again, day after day, until it becomes true. ish. even though i'm never going to say (or want to say) an affirmation like "i'm smart" or "i'm beautiful," i don't want to keep carrying these negative beliefs and this awful self-talk. i can replace those with something real. it will be okay. i am exhausted now. less grumpy but more overwhelmed. i'm done for the night. i just want to veg out now.



you should write a sonnet