MY BODY HAS A LOT TO SAY

and it’s full of revelations

firstly being how right kat’s dance teacher is that if you want to write you have to first move. i switched up my body and my mind woke up. so full so sure.

it’s not that “everything happens for a reason.”
it’s that everything means something. (does it? me who loves nonsense, do i really believe that?) or maybe it’s more like nothing happens in a vacuum. everything is attached to something. but maybe everything does have meaning and if it seems like nonsense it’s because the riddle isn’t unscrambled yet? after all, we’re just the conduits.

driving along and thinking about the past, my past self. my happy list - the joy in simple things. picnics and mud and swings and dancing. just friends. those are all the real things. when did it get so bogged down? and when did i decide that my depression has always been eating me alive?? i mean it has but it’s not like i never enjoyed anything. i felt miserable in a cruel world that made me hate myself and makes people have to do horrible things to keep up with it. i was never actually the problem. i had so much passion and energy and i knew what was important!!! i’ve got to get that back.

and that was another revelation - all along six of cups. for months six of cups - good memories, childhood, family, roots, growth. i have to remember how to play. i have to get some of that child essence back. to be good and do good and CLOWN and remember how to be happy.

HARRY COULD ALMOST CRY AT THIS SIMPLE GIFT OF THE UNIVERSE.

i’ve been staring at it all along and i never really saw it. i’ve been saying yes yes i know and thinking it has to do with being home but now i see it’s about something i’m missing, or don’t have enough of, something essential. REMEMBERING TO PLAY. remembering to move. appreciating sensual experiences. i see now how i have to kill some of the adult learned bullshit to get back to a place where i felt better being a blank slate. (i’ve looked for that feeling so many places. sex, masochism, drinking, fire, internet, candy crush, dancing. playingggg and moving without myself is the best one. yeah?!)

i have to say thank you to the clown gods for being patient with me on this one. i’m sorry i had to ask so many times. i need to find a better way to process these tarot readings. through dance, maybe??? today i had the urge to get off after the reading, to be open and explode pleasure in the presence of the cards. i thought that would give them energy. obviously they don’t need it! i’m the one who needs the movement, the rhythm, the process!!!! to take it into my mind it has to come through my body. or vice versa.

is it a gift that the clown gods, the earth messengers, others, out there, are communicating with me? i guess they must talk to everyone like this, but not everyone listens (or knows how to). not trying to talk like i’m some great listener!! obviously i missed the six of cups message for months. (why haven’t they given up on me??) but i want to learn and i want to do better. better, bigger, harder, brighter magic. i want to make it good enough. i hope they’ll keep helping me understand how.

also side note i really need to get “brett” or whatever skeptical voice out of my head so that my thoughts stop getting distracted. ugh. at this point, how can i even doubt????

the more i think about it
good fuxking luck diagnosing me
i know i have tendencies in whatever symptom direction you wanna say
but how're you plannin to parse this ?shit
listen
i mean
it's not like y'all didn't try yr best
but HA how i get a different acronym for every different day i come in

it's funny haha like
i receive the diagnosis - oh yes it's chemical, it's hereditary -
and i can start to draw the line all the way back, sure
it can make sense any way you look at it
if you want it to



first of all
i chain smoke in the car
bc i don't wanna go in and out of the house.
it's not my house. i'm paranoid. i try to play quiet mouse.
sometimes tomorrow i'm so sure of my failure, my not good enough ness, my LIAR LIAR tries, surely they know and they hate it and me and there's so many secrets in this family
so i hide in my cave and i cry to my phone and the day is a waste in a trap of my own
bc fuxking of course when i finally come out
there's nothing that's changed or charged, there's no doubt
that i'm doing the best that i possibly can with all that i have which is mostly
nine books' worth of psycho prophesying
a list of letters that scramble and giggle to me

listen
look
i can see
now i know i have adhd
and those of us with this thing
have a habit of interrupting
oh
is that why my whole family shouts and sings ?
is that why our language comes out in screams ?
how we talk with each other like birds in a roost
constant, in & under, our southern mouths loose
and now that i'm out in a public environment
i'm told it's a symptom of the disease i inhabit
and oh
and oops
and duck
and
and
and
and it's true that it's happening when i don't want it to
it's true that i'm listening but my words want in too
and i swear they're only there because i think i'm only responding
not that i'm interrupting or not listening to you talking
where i come from we're talking sitting around the roost
we're yelling and we're laughing and our tongues are wagging loose
there's no such thing as silent circles or crowds to praise you alone
if it ain't loud, i don't want it
i need ravens in the home

it's not entirely true but it sure does make a good story. i'm trying to say. i'm trying to say i don't mean to be mean when i interrupt.
i see how it throws you and it makes me quake.
i see how it can feel jarring and abrupt to be what you think is cut off
or challenged or bones or piece of hide when someone's saying stuff
as you tell your story or the version that's only allowed when your audience is boring

i know
we know who you think we are

wait wait wait
no
that's not it
this was supposed to be an apology
gravy i can't believe it's already 3
but i gotta keep going
and i don't believe in morning
unless it's dark and no one comes calling



i like the sneak i like the hunt i like to creep i like to haunt

why do i feel like you can see me?

i am the death i am the death i am the hell how am i still talking how is this allowed how has no one severed this head this tongue
they want to it's true
WOOOowwwww so emo and still
you can never know what htey want
which one is it
which is the real one
which is the one wanted
who is invited
who gets in the door
who gets to throw down
who gets to lay down
there is a fuzz between them WHO?
pop pop crack
the spine says no
the story stops
how long can anyone sit still?
how long can the body pretend

what does it mean to have nothing looking back

what does it mean

they're looking at you and you know them but you've forgotten who you're being
i can't
remember
the last

oh
maybe
i remember
okay
talking heads bed dancing high while everyone else is downstairs
wait
that can't be the last time
i remember
boat hat beers in the dirty dirty poor and hungry bar
and even then
oh
god
i
oh
fuck
the
summer
of the census
20...10....??? could that be possible?
i rambled about cats
for years
ages
my conspiracy theory about an underground tunnel network where not one but TWO of my cats were devoured for 6+ weeks from my back door into oblivion and back
that happended.
and i sure did talk about.
years
later.
oh yeah and
i'm sure at the slider
and i'm sure at the lamp
and i'm sure i have been a fool at every occasion
is that wanted?
tell me how to be
i
i
i busted up
i bust it up
i dont' know the difference
i want the difference
i want the other space
i want to go THERE
let's go .... o?!
but yeah so i don't do it so good as i wish
and i
oh yeah
i remember that house on tucker
maybe he was dating xoe.?
how is anyone supposed to know.
oh wait
it's only me that doesnt
and i'm still fucking going
(the most pitiful thing)
((i just want someone to work with))
how can i know if i should keep going
how do i know if this is the REAL STUFF
crak crak pop
roolllllssss rols
gimme
okay
gimme okay
gimme okay one more
yeah okay one more
gimme yeah good one
yes never don't yes never stop
keep yes keep on keep forever
tell me
when did i get so into symmetry
tell me when i
get so into me
oh yeah so
kat and i were talking about being BABIES
and how those patterns are still played out
i dunno about you
but i was a fucking needy fucking baby oh geeeeeeeeeez
always skin burning always never happy always crying
but they called me a changeling
and gave me more love than they knew they had
now i'm in toruble
now my glasses call on the floor and i just
i just can't
i dont' know how to call them back
i don't know what's worth it
i dont' know how they made me worth it
i'm needing needing needing
i hate that i need it
i hate the symmetry but i crave it
i dont' know how to not want to help
i don't know how to not find the person who is a project
who is a baby
who is me
who is a changeling
who my favorite illustrator trina shart hyman said was a faery
wow!
but
yes
but
that isn't me
i see the thing and
oh
i am the thing ??
i
even without the mirror i
remember
or
forget
what's the difference even

here. i can say.
it expresses through my toes.
crunching and flexing.
just look
see?
it's a toe code
aka toad
hop along
don't forget
froget
even now they twist and curl and say WHAT NOW WHAT NEXT YOU SAID
oh yeah i did
i said
i know what i said
does that mean i have to?
oh well
yes
actually
yes
because the toes say so
the toes now are twitching
they do their symmetrical dance
(who even teaches them such nonsense?)
we just want to dance
we just want
freedom

OH GEEZ BLAH BLWAH WAHAHWHAHAHAWH
OHOOHHHHOOHHHHHH
WELL
OHHHHH
...
THEN.
fucking
fuckong
fiucking
fucking
fukcking
fucking
ficukihg
fucking
fkucking
fukcking
fucking
fkuckning
fkckng
ficig
ifcnkg
ficnkg
ficnkgi
gdinckg
fink
gifnckging
ifinckg
ifnckg
ifnckgi
fficnkg
fgifdnckkg
fifnckg
finfdkcv
gginfk
fcing
gkdnkcn
v
fg sdouae
oirhoag
eiyoh
oeghig]eiy

youngeoih
oeihgl
youne
oyoije
youen
hojenelyone
goieuone
goyebe
giyljgng
elkhg
g
lkghglkddkd
ghoeiyo
hoiyojnoyi
]y9uoin
io7oujng
eoiyoij
o7o
lyiounl
yiouon

youj
oyoun
youn
youn
 youn are
y7oun
oy
ouojn are y
oyoh a
re y
yo7u
yohoyoj
younre
younrea
younare
hyojare
hyourae
younrea
 the




youhnrae
younare
youten are
tyouoren
yournea the
tyoe
youn
]
aeelelkekeejkekekekeekekek
oyobre
lkekeke
lkenlkghae
kgiun
oiyoijlknlkyk
;iyoun,miyoiu

k

oiyoikkiy hoiiekejkeiekd,weiekflgjfuewjwskfkmnrkle
youn are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the listera worst
you are the listeral wrost
you are the listeral
wrost
you are htel isteral ywuers
you are the listeral  worst
you are the literal wrost
you are the literal owrst
you are the literal oworst
you are the litereal owrst
hou areth thelaitera ost
you are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal owrst
you are the literal worst
you are hte literalo worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literalo worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literalo worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal owrst
you are the literal worst
you are the literal worst
you are the literalo wost



loweie
wo shw
eie
hwyea yea yea yeah yeah
wos wos
so
what nwo
yeah oakya so now
okay yeah so now
what now
YEAH OKAY SO
NOW WHAT NOW

oh yeah
you know what now
this is the part where i sneak out out out out sneak quiet creep creak the front door squeak into the out out out into the rain night rain into the car into the mold into the bold mold mobile where i can hear the rain rain rain and not this ... haha you guessed it
let's try again

jumble

let's be real. i have always been a feelings person. my strength comes from my empathetic side.

why has it been so hard for me to find my way ?

some of it i'm blaming on adhd. especially now that my head is more clear and i'm not so depressed i can see patterns better. i focus intensely on something or fixate on an idea for a few days and then move on, for whatever reason. i have not focused long enough to specialize in anything.
it's not only adhd of course but i think that definitely helps with the quickness and the forgetting. what do i do? even i don't know. but it means i'm good at hyperfocusing and concentrating super hard on one specific thing for an extended period of time - and then also being able to shift my focus quickly to something else. some of this maybe is just keen perception. i see all the things. i see the choices that make sense. (in simple logistical situations anyway. other times i'm a dolt.)

the point is.
the point is everything i already know but always forget.
i am a feelings person. i am an art oriented person.
i might be interested in things like sociology and herbal medicine and animal behavior but i have never had the drive to focus on those things long enough to really learn them. could i if i wanted to? sure but then i'd have to actually choose a thing. that is the hardest part.

but when i think about learning something like clown or performance or dance i am just sure i could do it. in terms of my excitement and my confidence i'm all in. it's only REAL WORLD garbage thoughts that crush me. i should be doing the other thing. the real thing.

HOW IS IT that i am still having this thought process even after being brought up on the value of art? how is it that my parents taught me that and yet they scoffed at every nonacademic artistic dream i ever had???? it's driving me bonkers that i'm just now realizing the full weight of this. i feel like other people's folks tend to swing one way or the other, like kat's parents consumed by their research or alice's music teacher folks. mine are some in between with my dad as collector/hobbyist who finally decided to try his hand at writing in his 50s, and my mama hinting at some vague dreams of writing or storytelling or some wisp of a memory of a dream so incomplete it is just dust, but still she's passing it off, urging us to write, to publish, to create, except no don't go to art school bc you need a job.

oh it's just a mess it's a muddle. like the world like all our brains.
and me always in the middle why ??
does everyone feel that they're here?
outside in the middle
not right. not center
caught between options until you're nothing

this must be what everyone feels.
but still for some reason everything is so hard for me. it all takes so much time. i can hardly get anything done. my days disappear. here i am still. driving my parents crazy. no more of a plan than i had in july. where did the time go? everyone tells me i'm doing so well, it's so good to take my time to heal properly, except my mama. why can't she let me do this ?

i'm up too late. at this rate i will want to skip the social shit tomorrow but i guess i'd better not. damn. rot.

today

gojis had so many buds, including some of the new implants. 

also pruned them and the grapes and wlberberries. griff is great. tarryn brought biscuits with amish butter. 

meanwhile thursday sent messages from afar that sent me spinning. where do we go?

farm alliance meeting was awkward. i'm just not the same as these people. even before the third beer. bff isolated itself a little but mike was cute and outgoing. 

i started feeling really sad about my grandparents and the ways i've failed them - their expectations as well as my own. i should have collected more stories, memories, sayings. i hear myself trying to say their words and it just hurts. 

told katherine that i want to be funny (again) and how i miss her (again) and that i've been thinking of stupid fake stand up jokes when i wake up in the morning. she wants to hear them for some reason.  but i'm not sure if they're translatable without the laugh track and funny faces.  

i started getting really sad and crying because i don't belong here, as much as i try. nobody saw it. i'm a great actor. i bought a pack of cigarettes to help me handle it. i bought a whisky ginger to help me handle it. i said "can i get... a.. um..." and he said "'may i'? that mught help." i must've given him a look but he brought out a menu anyway. i explained that we'd had a misunderstanding. i thought he was in teacher mode telling me to use 'may' instead of 'can't' but you can't explain the joke after it's happened. at any rate he didn't charge me for the drink. he was cute and young (dani type) and i think he was trying to convince coworkers to come to karaoke at the crown after shift. 

but after that i still went to the bathroom and cried because i'm missing all the things i care about. i don't know how to talk about it. i'm depressed that my therapist stopped contacting me. i'm depressed that i'm surrounded by farmers and i don't share their knowledge- how much do i want to? i'm depressed by all the books i haven't read and jokes i haven't said. i bought smokes. i told morgan at christmas that i smoke because i hate myself and she made me vow to quit. i was doing okay but i haven't stopped the hate. what is the source? i've explained that i feel less depressed when i'm busy and doing things and have lots of projects- then comes anxiety but it's different problems. i'm still avoiding the root of the problem. i'm still in hate with me. and having urges that i can't fulfill, thinking of writing or joking or whatever. thinking of myself in some other schemes but there's no time to dream with all of these other plans on my head. whose plan? whose dream? where do i fit? nathalie told me to see this pattern. i don't need to go where o think i can help. my help is not the solution. how fuxking selfish even am i?? the neediness of feeling other. the demand to be understood. the feeling of never holding anything. 

they've replaced our old streetlight. it was yellow and faulty and perfect. now we have a constant white dawn over everything, to prevent breakins i expect. the light is cold and familiar and unchanging. i sleep with the blanket over my head. 

i miss my cat. dear gods i miss her more than anything. how i have failed. 

actually, though, why is it so hard to be home at christmas?

we don't know what to do with each other. everyone is looking at a screen. everyone is miscommunicating or misunderstanding each other, either because we were looking at screens when we were trying to make a plan, or because screens have killed any communication skills we maybe once had. we don't know how to talk. we don't know how to listen.

your parents have the same problems that you do and it's hard to watch.

papa can't hear anymore so you don't know how to talk to him. you can talk nonsense with grandma, but she doesn't know who you are.

all your big dreams shrink to fit back inside the old house, back into your dark heart. they smolder there and you expect to be embarrassed to talk about them, but no one asks you anyway. you've already been written off. the dreams die without a fire.

you thought you could understand the world out there, but that mess of trash and war seems like a far-off thought and you're the only one worried about wasting paper on plastic presents and not being able to compost the potato skins. if they talk politics, your words will leave you and you fail your cause entirely. what words are left in times like these?

there is a blister on your mouth that rots all your words.

you ask your mother when you began to hate everything. you guess college but she answers "middle school" and probably she is right. she says she felt this way but she hated hating and the world was too much so she gave it up. but she doesn't tell you not to.

just from watching doctor who with the family you love, the family you crave, you know that something is wrong.

you almost cried, to recall the brilliance of Lucille ball. why can't we all? why can't we? what stops us? strips us?

the moon is full and the grass is wet and it's 85 degrees on Christmas.

the world is dying and broken and full of plastic. you know you're either dead or fighting.

you aren't going to win by crouching behind a bush, sucking down fire, calling desperate to a foreign moon with nothing but your dead self and cold toes.

inside there is light and laughter and you've never been its partner.

you are the broken dream of people who wanted better.

what happens when you go home for the holidays

​why can't i enjoy anything
why does it feel like i can't stop being mean
why is nothing ever right

last night again you were in my dream

but thank god i don't remember it. somehow you floated into my mind while i was brushing my teeth, and i remembered you had been there. even asleep, i ignored you. two rows over in the theatre, and not a word. but you just followed us around and didn't say anything, so it was easy. and saying it like that sounds like the living you, but the dream you pulled and twisted, and glowed and hummed. brushing my teeth, i laughed at how the reality is flat and cold and easy to ignore. (and yet this dream.)

"the days go by like butterflies...." the days move abruptly from coffee to beer. my head aches with a constant tender worry, my skin feels thin and useless over imagined/probable ills. i can't shake this damned cough, after being sick ever since the vagina overkill/amy oelsner show (almost two weeks ago now) and then chainsmoking at bobby's going away party (though he isn't yet gone away). it's a wonder i haven't infected anyone. mostly i just want to know what the hell is going on, and why i can't choose, and how i ever fell this stagnant. who is driving this contraption, who calls the shots, and what do they want?

maybe it's not all bad. there's drinking an appropriate amount of beer, the bartender saying that you have the best laugh -- the bar folk don't bite every night. tipping off your stool, leaning and laughing, canoodling all night, a dozen poses at his place, and tiptoeing home at dawn before the long drive to see your grandparents in georgia. the audiobook narrator's voice makes your head reel, but it's almost puss in boots, and you will live through this. it has often been worse.

your goals fluctuate wildly, from grand and wild to status quo to suicide, depending on the time of day and how much art you're absorbing. versus how much media. some nights it's okay to watch bad movies with your parents, play unblock me, and believe that having a 9 to 5 job would be the greatest thing that could happen. (from there, imagine the range of other possibilities -- it feels like sacrilege to write them down.) mostly, obsession is the thing, whether fleeting, ongoing, or recurring. you will consider every relationship, exhaust yourself over a moment or a text message, wonder and analyze and reconsider, all while knowing what a goddamn waste of time. but when you're not alone, how the time trips on and the thing takes over and you don't know who you are anymore- how much you change depending on whose company. how you seem so unsure of what you really want. how well you can pretend. how you never can stick to the plan. or the designated curfew, the number of drinks, the amount of money. you are sickened by your privilege and indecision, this rotting, waste. you don't know how to change.

like clockwork, your grandma wakes up between 2 and 3 every night to let the cat out (or in, apparently). "you're still awake? are you working on your.....?" she doesn't know what she is trying to ask, but no, of course you're not. you really don't deserve any of this; you're too lucky to have fucked up this bad. you should have done so much more.


listening to: joanna newsom - go long

the atmosphere unravelling till you receive my love

had a semi-beautiful dream in which i was in love with a boy who was also a pig. in fact, i think i was also a pig sometimes too. i was scared, but when we faced each other and he nibbled my ear, it was so gentle, hardly any pressure. when he raised his hoof, i expected roughness, but it was warm and soft and comforting. this moment lasted a long time, i'm not sure how it ended. but when we're talking later, he's so comfortable and i'm finding out more about him, like that he's part cherokee, and he nonchalantly mentions that he's an orphan but he doesn't seem damaged, and i fall in love with him so hard.
turns out that we were on some sort of huge road trip with a bunch of people and had made a stop at my granny's house. she was pretty overwhelmed by all the guests and kept saying strange things... can't think of any examples unfortunately.
there is some sort of recurring section where i'm trying to remember the name of the lecture tom is giving on saturday night. i finally decide that it has something to do with the solitude of cats and how that relates to nature overall. but then i think maybe it's about roy orbison. i wish i could remember... so that i could tell him in person?? that doesnt seem right. maybe that's what i was thinking in between dreams.
everyone is supposed to be getting ready to go-- there must be a 6 people milling around the front yard by the van and 6 more that are still running around getting ready. i think, there's still time to do a couple last minute things before we leave since half these people aren't ready anyway. allie (!!!) says she'll come with me to the bathroom and i have an embarrassing moment of pee anxiety. plus my papa and a couple other people walk in on us. then i run off to some other bathroom to try to take a shower, but there's a long string of strange incidents so that i keep having to run around to different bathrooms and sinks. for example, a bunch of wet sand pours out of one of the faucets, making me even dirtier than i started. other faucets give no water at all. this whole thing takes FOREVER and of course, the more worried i get about making everyone late, the longer it seems to take. i'm freaking out about not getting to spend time with the pig boy, almost as if i knew the dream would end right when it did: before i had accomplished very much.

today i'm going to the apple store, where i will pick out a new desktop computer as a graduation present from my parents. although i'm already going crazy living back at home, they really do so much for me, and it's amazing that they give me so many things.
the rest of this weekend will be spent in my room, cleaning and arranging and sorting and discarding. i've already got two huge garbage bags of clothes to get rid of! maybe we will have a yard sale soon...? anyone want to have a joint yard sale?? that might be more fun.
on monday, i will begin my job search. this starts with a call to the census office, although i think at this point, that's wishful thinking. anyone know how to make a resume?? wish i'd had more time to talk to dale last semester...
ahhhhhhh real world go away i don't like what i've seen of you
am i already stuck??

listening to: diane cluck - telepathic desert

things just haven't been the same

ever since my mother joined facebook. she doesn't think i check my email anymore, so she is learning how to "chatter" and she's always leaving little messages on my wall, or sending me stuff like this:

you know, lots of peoples loves hoodies. like with bands on them. you can order a hoodie t-shirt sweatshirt with some weirdo on it, and people would loves it sooooo muches.

that's the entire message, by the way. i almost don't even believe that this came from my mother, but last night we were facebook chatting about my inability to get people decent presents.
i can't stop laughing.

would you believe we have a lot to let go?

how did two weeks go by without any activity on this sad little blog? i'll give you the easy answer: midterms and fall break.
so, not a lot of time for writing and reflecting lately. in fact i feel rather out of practice... part of me wants to write an extremely detailed post about what's been going on, but the other part of me wants to forget about it. in-between currently seems impossible.
i guess the weirdest thing is that i went to my first funeral. my great aunt ella died on the 13th, with no clue where she was, but surrounded by family nonetheless. the funeral was in north georgia, so mom drove in to asheville to pick us up last friday. i felt like a freak with my green hair, like no one but my grandparents really wanted to see me. the weirdest part was the bizarre division between the reality of death and the falseness of the whole thing: the slices of astro turf, blue fuzzy stuff covering the folding chairs, some preacher shaking my hand "bless you" that neither i nor ella even knew. before the service, they opened the coffin, even though they had had a viewing the day before.. i guess this was my first dead body too. i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do, other than look in there at all the pinkness they covered her in, and wonder if she was better off, and hope i never get that old and get covered in pink frills and stared at in a wooden box. i would have expected myself to just think that stuff and feel pretty disconnected from the whole weird experience -- the religion, and the guy talking like ella was a saint for billy graham, and the pinkness, and everything all fake. but my biggest impression was in her stillness, and how close i felt to it. and the wind was blowing the bible and the guestbook nearly off the little dinky podium. and there were only about a dozen chairs, and about 20 or so attendees, and no one would take the last five chairs. i wonder if that would be a sort of southern phenomenon, or if that happens at every funeral with too few chairs. and suddenly it was just over, some cousin or some such was shooing us youngins away, telling us that the funeral director wanted to lower the coffin, and could we kindly walk back to the cars. no one followed us, of course. we tread down that hill of bodies alone, trying to pick out the most unoffensive path with little success. there was no wake, no food, no alcohol, no commiseration. just naps in separate rooms in separate hotels, across a strange little town we hardly knew, that chanda swore was run by inbreds, or at least that's what she saw at the cvs. no one really talked about the funeral, or about ella, after that, except when grandma gave morgan one of her old coats, also pink and fluffy. and that was that. i didn't give my condolences to anyone. i didn't apologize or comfort or anything... who would i have chosen? who should i have felt sorry for? i think we all knew that she wasn't happy living anymore and secretly prayed that our lives wouldn't deteriorate like that, whether or not we believed she was ascending through the pearly gates. and that was my first funeral. today i put the coat in the free store.

listening to: karl blau - mockingbird diet

didnt i didnt i didnt i

this week has been BIZARRE. my alarm has been messed up and i've woken up hours late every single day this week (not counting sunday, when i did not wake up, because i didnt go to sleep, and i still didnt finish my paper, but at least i turned something in) and i've missed some work and some class and a fucking exam, but i am making up the exam on friday. pretty much everything has been really up and down... i know that i keep saying that and it's sort of a theme for the semester, but i really mean it this week! didn't i say a while back that it seems like every week gets crazier and more intense?? i think it's true, because this week has just been absolute insanity. the weather has been BEAUTIFUL ever since the weekend, just like spring! which is crazy, after the fucking snow attack last monday. the weather has really helped to improve my mood, which basically means distracting me from the shit that i have to do. i am gonna go ahead and talk about yesterday in list form since it was just crazy.
--alarm clock somehow silent, woke up at 11:40
--sent yet another apology email to carol howard
--upset and talked to brett, who convinced me to go to class
--danced and class flew by! did an awesome stretch
--got an email from an otherkin type who is coming here in the fall... YES
--shower with my new tea tree body warsh. contemplated singing, but didnt.
--picked up a mysterious package from the post office, but i'm not allowed to open it yet.
--WORK. looked through archival photos and giggled with emily
--bossman informed us that my coworker/friend is withdrawing from school... i got really down and didnt know what to do besides send her a facebook message, how lame is that.
--vegan cajun dinner at cowpie!! OH YES I DID eat three bowls of etouffee!
--morgan takes me to the secret hammock and i get barefoot outside for the first time in far, far too long
--forced myself to go to the library to study for anthro mid-term
--talked to rachel on gchat instead!! sine we last talked, her life has become completely insane!
--talked to risu-kun the otherkin on gchat!! WOW SO EXCITING
--library closed at midnight, i saw TWO possums on the walk over the bridge!
--brett and i distracted each other for an hour or so
--tried to work on anthro study sheet
--talked to JEREL on gchat for hours! it was fucking great and intense and weird and damn it if i dont miss him like hell sometimes.
--finally went to bed around 5:30. i felt sort of guilty because i'd had my lamp on the whole time but my roommate seemed to be sleeping fine and she didn't complain. today, my alarm fucked up again somehow, but it managed to be an alright day anyway i guess. i rushed around trying to finish my study thing for anthro but i barely used it on the exam after all and i think i did okay anyway. went to work. talked to brett on gchat but kept having to hide the window from my bosses, i dont know how successful that was. WOOPS. i wanted to stay late to make up for some lost hours but i had to meet with bradshaw at 5 to talk about my progress and my paper. it turned out that he hadnt looked at my paper, so he hadnt seen how bad it was and he didnt get the note i left with it. there were a few things i had intended to say but couldnt because even listening to him talk about it made my throat close up and all i could do to keep from breaking down was keep drinking the fucking rose tea that he always gives me. and he kept saying things like "you cant flog yourself, that's just not productive." and he kept saying that i need to take more initiative but also that i need to chill out. we talked for an hour, but mostly i was just listening, laughing at the appropriate times, nodding, and trying not to fall apart.
tomorrow i am seeing the school counselor. i can't wait for this fucking week to be over.
this weekend is the beginning of spring break! my parents are driving up on saturday to pick up my sister and take us out to dinner at tupelo honey where i will eat veggies and drink wine and talk with my wonderful family. on sunday, me and new friend christian are road trippin it to chicago. he can't drive but he is making cookies. i will be so grateful for the company, and i know he will keep me entertained. i hope it's a big ole bonding experience, because i think he's really cool, and i'd like to get to know him better. in chicago, i'm staying with brett at the bowers house, tagging along to class and pretending i'm in art school for the week. i am really excited and nervous.. there's so much to DO and sometimes our visits together go really nicely and some of them are not good. there's been so much anticipation, i feel like it HAS to be good! i am hoping that next week will keep up with the pattern of the semester by being intense in some new ways and then being relaxing in others. you know what i mean? you might not, but you can imagine. anyway, everyone should send good energy to me and my vehicle on sunday.

give me dead

today at school was horrifically depressing. it started out with a chocolate donut, conversation with my great friend margaret, and a little bit of hope. it ended in depression and near-tears into a vanilla milkshake. i don't know what's more pathetic. i really can't believe that bush is president again, and i don't know what to do. we watched kerry's concession speech in pre-calculs from the couch, holding nervous hands and trying to be light-hearted about it. my shock and sadness surprise me. everybody is stirred to act somehow. eileen's rallying people to go to the "what do we do now?" type meeting at media co-op tomorrow night. allison says she wants to start something, do SOMETHING at our school, just to put something positive in the world. there's an intense need to create, to act, to believe in something greater. i'll get behind anything right now. i was looking forward to sudan awareness week, but it's mostly just that-- goddamn awareness. watching a video, having a speaker. i feel like there's so little action. i need to DO and there's nothing doing. i predict that the play this weekend will be teeming with passion. after that i'll have no direction, and i need to not feel useless. if anyone has ideas, please get me there.
i came home to my sister, who stayed home sick (half emotional, i think) on her 15th birthday. we tried to get happy with a massive dinner at pho saigon and dessert from the cheesecake corner. i like that the cheesecake man remembers me. morgan opened purple birthday presents; we wore hats, sang songs, and made merry. a strange conclusion to a weary day.
a girl in my psychology class made a depressingly humorous joke (which i've been repeating all day -- sorry) about how since bush has been reelected and he's going to get to appoint like 4 justices to the supreme court, they're going to reinstate the draft and overturn roe vs. wade. so we'll all be pregnant and in the army. i can't wait.

everybody's parents are crazy

except mine. if anybody needs to spend some time away from home, i invite you here. i'm sure my units could handle it. in other news, i love chex mix. i've been eating entirely too much lately. also i hate riding the bus home. mostly i hate the waiting around part that we do before we even think about walking to the bus stop. if we could hang around, and then instantaneously arrive at home, i would be much happier. brett and sallis, i assign you the job of building me a portal. hop to it, lads! this week is incredibly long. i want to die. i'm watching movie trailers because the alternative is sleeping. of course, the only time i want to sleep is when i have piles of homework left. i'm done for the night, and what can i say? i require no pillow.

FLEA! FLEE!

mom woke me up by screaming "WE HAVE TO FLEA THE HOUSE!" of course, being my mother, she immediately left and sat down to watch an old movie. over an hour later, she decided it was time to begin. with a sense of urgency, she threw a shower curtain over the computer where i'd continued to talk to brandon on his lunch break. we'd been doing nothing all morning, so we had to finish absolutely everything in 5 minutes. blankets over the tv, air conditioning turned off, refridgerator unplugged. we barely had time to grab the necessities and the animals, everything streaming along in the steam left over from mom's rushing. we set off 5 flea bombs. god they stink. my cat ran back into the house as we were trying to close the door, of course, and mom and i had to chase her around. i think i got some flea shit in my eyes. oh well. everybody settled down on a blanket outside. i should've done more summer reading, but somehow nothing was accomplished. we took a lunch break at pie in the sky. we ordered all 3 different kind of milkshakes. i had vanilla. mmmmm sweet jesus. i was nervous about my cat all afternoon -- that's the longest she's been outside in her whole life. but all turned out well, i think. we slathered ourselves in burt's bees insect repellent, even though i never get bitten. morgan still got eaten up. poor love. at any rate, the mail came and i recieved a magazine called Tape Op about recording music. it's something i've been saying i might look into as a future career, and i found it really ironic that it showed up at my house... mom said i might've gotten on some kind of mailing list, but i didn't sign up for this. is it a nice gift? if so, thank you to whoever paid $3.95 to send me this. i really do think i would enjoy that job. anyway, i'm supposed to go out soon with (hopefully) sallis, brock, and lauren. hooray!

listening to: morgan's watching flashdance and talking on the phone

i'm back, loves! and i hope to god you've missed me as i've missed you... please someone call and/or feed me.
we got back home around 7:15 this evening and i called brock immediately -- i didn't even get my shit out of the car, which is kind of sad. but he squealed on the phone and he has had total cabin fever all week.
the good news: HE GOT HIS LICENSE. HE GOT A CAR. HOLY SHIT.
the bad news: he isn't really allowed to drive it yet, because of his utter lack of practice.
it doesn't matter. it's sad that he couldn't practice more during this week, so that he could come and whisk me away the second my little toes touched memphis earth. that's okay okay okay whatever. we went to bookstar for a few hours, and ran into jo, and had silly tarot card/teen read fun. what a wonderful world. a bit after she left, we became absolutely enthralled with this astrological book. brock and i are sick believers in the cosmos and accidentally spent the whole night looking at it. we read this big description of brock's Leo/Virgo Cusp of Exposure, which seemed mostly very fitting. it said they are very secretive because of strong self-judgement, so they usually find only one person who accepts them as they are. brock read the whole thing aloud and at the end he was like "well i guess my person is you" and we had a moment and his hair was very soft. i couldn't quit staring at it while he was reading. in fact, i couldn't quit staring at him on a whole. it was so great to see him again. it's kind of funny/sick that i was so anxious to be with him, since he was the last person i saw before our trip, and he's the only memphian i talked to while i was gone. there are some people i really want to see that i've barely seen all break, but what can i say? brock is brock. i would feel silly about being so excited to see him, but he was feeling the same way. although sometimes i wonder if he actually likes me or just likes me being around. god damn. at any rate, the night was kind of anticlimactic, actually, but it served its general purpose -- disintegrating that damned cabin fever.
i know that if i don't post about my time with the grandfolks soon, i won't do it at all. because that's how i be. maybe i'll just post some self-explanatory photos.
teaser: I FELL OFF SO MANY FUCKING BEDS.

listening to: liz phair - glory

i'm drinking draft root beer, am in a wonderful mood, and am preparing to blog to you the joys and trials of my thanksgiving holiday. hooray for long alanna postage. (hopefully. if you're laylee.)
wednesday: i went to bed shortly after i blogged, around 3, after said AWESOME conversation time with tarah and aj. what amazing kids. i'm so lucky to have the friends i do. plus, it had been a while since i've really talked to either of them, and it was sort of funny how the conversations were sometimes in a really similiar vein and sometimes totally dissimilar. i clambered into bed and unlocked my window, having promised eileen that i would. i told her she could come play at our house while we were gone, and i didn't think she'd actually come but it was something of a priniciple. i fell asleep listening to vespertine which made me really happy. unfortunately, i forgot to take it out of the cd player for the trip in the morning.
thursday: i was woken up far too early for my poor body. on the way to jackson, i listened to fiona apple and slept. i always forget how short granny is. i guess it's really her 'fault' that i'm so short -- her eye level is at my chest. (no wonder she is constantly talking about my figure.) we had a short little break before the actual thanksgiving meal, and the normal post-dinner talking. mom usually leaves the first, to go take her nap. this time morgan left too. dad, granny, and i talked a while. well. granny told her same old stories, and we listened, and granddaddy sat at the other end of the table very silent. what can i say? they're strange little old southern baptist people. i left a message on sallis's cell phone, since he was in town the same time as me and i thought it'd be cool to see him while we were stuck in jackson. i also called brock, but he was just sitting down to a movie. so i watched i love the 80s strike back with my familia before brandon called, demanding my help on his christmas wish list. i really didn't help at all, but we got to talk so that was cool. then brock called, and i talked to him for 15 minutes longer than i was supposed to, but it was really good to talk to him all the same. unfortunately, i ran down my phone's battery like a mutha and i forgot to bring my chargie thing. oh well. after we got off the phone, i watched dumb vh1 shows with dad and morgan until i nearly fell asleep on the couch staring at miss apple bottoms.
friday: hooray for eggs and biscuits and bacon and real breakfasts! after eating we headed over to barnes and noble for book shopping. i was excited about going but when we got there i didn't really know what i wanted to do there. i ended up at the newstand looking for a new music magazine. dad and i collectively bought cmj new music, magnet, and the new rolling stone featuring top 500 albums of all time. we took morgan home, with a huuuuge stack of books she got for her friends for christmas, and then dropped off mom at tj maxx. dad and i went to the cd sale at circuit city, where i bought AFI and flogging molly. guilty pleasures like a mutha. i'm actually considering giving the flogging molly to someone as a present... but i've just blogged it HAHA and that means i could only give it to brock now. but who else would want it? oh well. maybe i won't give it away. phh. dad got the smiths and the rolling stones. mom got wrapping paper. morgan took a nap. we spent the rest of the day mulling over and arguing with the rolling stone top 500. i made everyone write down the ones they owned. it wasn't very interesting, but there was nothing else to do. and i love lists and patterns and things, so. apwoghiwgopeh obsessive alanna aoiwghepioghoahi. today brock and i were talking about how hard it is to find your real love job in life and actually be able to do it. there's so much pressure to find it that it's really hard to actually notice when it's there, you're so busy looking. the only thing that i just absolutely love with no inhibitions is music... but not the playing of it. i don't really know. brock says he could see me doing the tech stuff, like 'recording engineer'-wise, i guess. or i could do music videos maybe. or just ... buy cds and work at mcdonalds. then again i'd have to like. live in my car, to have enough money to buy albums anyway. agowiphpogihw i'm so offtrack. we watched interview with the vampire at midnight, and that's all that matters. oh i did get to talk to sallis briefly. we talked about hanging out after dinner, but he didn't get home until 9 so he couldn't call back. too bad.
saturday: i woke up to the sound of granny's tv with a really bad headache. i got up because i couldn't lie in the bed any longer, and went to lie on the couch with mom instead. i had some cheerios. went back to the couch. dad gave me an advil, and mom rubbed my back a lot, which made me really happy. the headache got no better. i had another advil. i went back to the bed, where i stayed for a damn long time. we were supposed to leave at 2 today, but dad didn't want to wake me up when i was feeling so bad. they had to, eventually, and we stumbled out of jackson around 3. as we were driving away, i put on my headphones, siamese dream by smashing pumpkins. it is by no means a quiet album, but it automatically sent away my headache. i really don't understand it. i don't know why i hadn't tried that already, since i know music does that to me sometimes. the album ended, and i played some my bloody valentine before we stopped in grenada for fooooood for me, having slept through lunch. when we got back in the car, my headache was creeping back in so i put on live through this by hole, and everything was back to good. i love that album. so i also played celebrity skin just to make sure i packed it in. it was a nice drive; i didn't sleep at all.
we were in downtown memphis around 6, and i finally checked my messages on my near-dead phone. i had a simple one from brock, but i was glad that he left it since he usually doesn't leave messages but he knows i get annoyed when people don't leave them. hooray for that. i had an awesome one from brandon telling me that frosty the snowman was on tv and i was going to miss it. when we got home, mom ordered pizza before i called brock. he had some relatives over and was expected to stay at home, so we couldn't hang out. i didn't feel like calling around because i figured everyone would be busy. so brock and i just had a nice long phone conversation. unforunately, he was ripped prematurely out of it by his mother for reasons still unknown to me. too bad. actually, if we didn't get kicked off the phone we would never stop talking, i'm sure. i think every single conversation we've had, someone has stopped it other than us. okay, maybe there were some "shitload of homework" or "i'm busy" ones. but still. moving on. i had some pizza. sat around online. watched trailers for the director's series, which i'm really excited about. (i'm assuming that my family is giving at least one to me for christmas.) watched degrassi with morgan. talked to some kids online. this is about it.
oh i commented on ted's blog. i'm afraid becca will be mad because she had a very specific thing about him not knowing that we read it... but i know i'd be really annoyed if someone was reading my blog and i had no idea. plus, tarah has been saying very good things about him. and apparently he told her i'm very honest and sincere. i appreciate that a lot, especially since he thinks i hate him. i really don't hate him, though. tarah thinks we'd get along... hahaa. you never know.

listening to: AFI - bleed black
(have i ever mentioned i ADORE davey havok?!)

there's a huge gooey spot of GOO on that little buggity bite on my chest. i finally showed me mater. woo i love her. she said she was going to send me to druggie school. i remember when i used to leap around the house in the morning, before school. she'd call me a gazelle, and i would pretend to hate it.

i'm sitting in a cardboard box and my family is taking turns laughing at me. oh well. i should be doing my homework. i'm a genius. plus i'm waiting for jerel to post on DOY, because he said he was going to. so i'm excited. and i can't stop talking to brandon, but what else is new?
today was pretty crappy. everybody got really low grades on the english project. i got my six weeks average for AP U.S. and i'm intensely proud of my 82. how sick is that? i'm pathetic and i make the shittiest grades. what can i say? well... i've still got my cold. mom and i went to therapy thing. we actually talked about school most of the time, which i didn't enjoy. about my stupid non talkness. i don't know. it sucked. that was today. there was another roach in the kitchen. so i had ice cream. mom sprayed lots of bug spray and screamed "SOMETHING'S GOTTA DIE!"

listening to: cat power - rockets

i know you are scared
me too
i am scared out of my mind
and widly thrilled
you are afraid of kissing me
i am afraid of kissing
i am trying to act calmly
i have to contain this fear
i have to prove that i am better
than what came before
i will not make their mistakes
i have to show composure
because when you sound so sad
i need to make it better
you:
beautiful purring voice raining tears into my answering machine
me:
are you okay what's wrong what can i do
you:
no i don' t know i don't know
me:
helpless
you:
dying
i can't stand to stand by
while you are drowning
i don't have any remedies for problems
that can't be named
that i wouldn't understand
that are too big for my tiny body
yes i am blaming this on my family too
my little hands are dad's
granny gave me tiny feet
hell, we're all too short
i am a greyhound
shrinking i can fit myself to you
curled up small in the curves
please keep pouring your tears in me
my tiny body is still so empty
i need to know that you
aren't keeping your Issues in
baby
i am scared to death of fucking up
i am scared of just me
i am scared that you will realize that i'm not what you
thought / expected / wanted
i am wrong
you just wait
but don't worry
i am going to leave the phone on
i am going to leave the window open
i am going to be there for you
inevitably available
your blazing fingers sing
we're on fire now