Showing posts with label theatre. Show all posts
Showing posts with label theatre. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

i don't feel like i'm living. i can't remember when i last did. i feel like life is just a thing that is happening to me and sometimes it feels like i can't keep up with it, and sometimes i wish it would catch up with me. my brain has been so frazzle scattered i don't know what i'm doing or what i've done. i feel like that is a main part of the problem - i am so unfocused i can't be where i am. i can't do what i'm doing. sometimes the only things i can focus on are the things that make me feel least myself, or least alive -- what the fuck is that about?? why is it easy to focus on a fantasy novel, or candy crush saga, or television, but if i'm actively doing something, the whole world scatters apart and nothing will line up in my mind and i feel insane doing anything. i can't even focus on my own feelings enough to be in them....?! like i didn't want to go to rehearsal and i was feeling awful about the play but when i got there i just turned on goober mode and acted silly but we didn't get anything done and i didn't act like i cared about it at all. what the fuck is wrong with me.

i guess saying things like that isn't going to help. i'm just so tired.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

your daydream ends like a kick in the chest

breakfast for dinner!! sweet potato hashbrowns! pancakes! mimosas!! we should do this more often. i dont know how the fam felt, but i LOVED IT. again!!
went to see the new our own voice show. it's the first one they've done based on a book, though not a fiction of course. bill wrote and directed, but there were lots of new faces... good actors. got to see linley, alden, and grayson. so crazy how much time has gone by since i met them. coming back to memphis always shocks me that way.
i stare at my gmail inbox all day, but i dont read half of what i get and i still havent answered all the important messages i've been putting off from the last 6 months -- or more? steve cohen's newsletter always makes me tear up. what's email for again?
i'm trying to get back into music, but it's really hard. everything feels mediocre. i think i miss books.

listening to: art sorority for girls - spaceship

Monday, February 14, 2005

stick it to the m-a-n, man

anyone want to drive to houston to see modest mouse on the three-day weekend? of course you do. now if you WILL, it's another story. ho hum. i tried. had a nice weekend. a lot of at-home time that didn't bother me. i got a lovely knit hat from brittany in the mail. what a great birthday present! it's so soft and nice. friday was a half day. i learned a LOT sitting in the gym while the beauty pageant happened on the other side of the school. puhlease. i can't say enough about how much i hate that bullshit. so brock and i people-watched (trevor, where are you?) until jeff wagner introduced himself to us. after school, sallis, katherine, brett, eileen, lena, and i went to (east) memphis pizza cafe. i love that shit. then sallis, brett, and i had milkshakes at java. mine was cinnamon and, of course, glorious. then sallis took me home and i sat around. brett showed up at our house right before we left for the play. i got a chai at starbucks. mom got coffee so that she could stay awake for the play haha. she didn't even get to see it, though, because she had to run the house and didn't want to come in late. it was fun though, i had a nice time. afterwards no one could decide what to do, so we just danced at theatreworks for a long time. i came home and bumbled. on saturday i had a hummus pita and a grilled cheese for lunch with my lovely mother. in fact, i bumbled quite a lot. at 5:45 brett came over and we bumbled simultaneously. finally we called brock to make him decide what to do. he was about to see finding neverland with alice, so we showed up for that, although we couldn't sit with them because we got there so late. the movie was good although brett and i nearly starved to death. and then, of course, alice and brock had already eaten, so we starved some more. we then drove to theatreworks in the rain and, after (to brett's dismay) some dancing, we got together a group of 11 people and walked over to ihop. when i discovered that over half of our company wasn't going to eat, i ordered THE BIG BASIC to make up for it. despite everything, our waiter was very sweet and patient, and we had a lovely time. then i came home and bumbled. a late night phone call made me happy. today was nothing at all, i've forgotten it. except for spending two hours at the library hanging out with lauren d, my favorite person. we got chais and she checked out some books from the classics section, for fun. it was nice and we didn't even attempt the math project. ho ho ho. nothing else happened. june bug ate my fucking shoe, and chewed up some computer cables so now we only have the internet on one computer. DESPAIR. proving thoughts are cyclic, i've again been thinking about how much i hate fake shit. especially when people pull that stuff. it has just been bothering me more than normal. almost everything seems forced, even most music that i usually like. so mostly i can only listen to pixies and kristin hersh. in an attempt to better my world and yours, i ask you to PLEASE DON'T BE FAKE AROUND ME. for one thing, i can't handle it anymore. it's really trying on my emotions, to be constantly puzzling over what people actually think about me. the past few months have been rough sailing, partly because of that. i don't want to be someone who's super concerned with what people think about me, but i'd like to be certain that my friends like me. when i don't feel like my friends like me, things are not good. if you don't like me, go away. that's something i can deal with on my own. actually i'd rather have no friends than false friends. it's a really sad thing to witness... i guess in a lot of groups there's someone people don't really like, and just keep them around. everybody's too fucking insecure. anyway i know that i'm a really irritating person, so i guess i don't really need that pointed out so much as i need people not to pretend i'm not. if that makes any sense. mm i want community, not selfishness. i just want reality, nothing false anymore. as keats once gushed, "beauty is truth, truth beauty." i used to have a big purple button that said "beauty is truth" but it broke. i loved that pin. i tried to keep the pieces, but i lose everything. ooh i just found an arrowhead in the deep clay dirt of the computer desk. is that lucky?

Sunday, November 07, 2004

show's over, folks

i'm partly glad to have more free time on my hands, partly relieved that i can forget all these lines, and then i'm partly anxious now that i have nothing to focus my energy on. also nothing to blame my late nights and dead days on... although i'm sure they'll keep happening. they always do. i really need to focus on getting everything done for school and college, and also get working on some new projects. as long as i always have a viewpoint to look forward to, a realistic short term goal, i'll be fine. i hope. it's the unrealistic short term goals that really get to me. i hope that things'll be all sorted out soon. right now i'm just looking ahead to thanksgiving break. i need some time to recharge. i wish for strength to all of us trying to get through a terrifyingly slow year.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

breathe

i've just had an absolutely crazy, very great, yet very surreal 6 days. tuesday brandon got here at about midnight, and we sort of accidentally stayed up all night. his family, who were also evacuating new orleans and heading to memphis, got into town at 5:30am and came to escort him to the house of the friend they were staying with. the plan was for him to stay there until his family left on friday, and then hopefully stay with my family for the weekend. however, as brandon found out 45 minutes later on wednesday morning, this home for refugees was also being occupied by another new orleans family, and was located in olive branch. therefore, brandon showed up at my house after school and never left. thanks to my wonderful parents, who will apparently take in any stray. he, brock, morgan, and i hung out at home for a while before heading to pick up tarah and eating a lovely dinner at memphis pizza cafe. LA met up with us as well, but she and brock had to go home before tarah, brandon, and i went to play in the park and go out for dessert. brandon and i went to sonic, where i got the goddamn thickest vanilla shake of my lifetime and we sat forever listening to the tribe called quest album i had recieved in the mail that day. which is great, by the way. back at home, i did no homework and got little sleep. brandon was feeling guilty about invading our home, so as a favor to my parents, he drove morgan and i to school on thursday. he was supposed to go to the zoo with his family, but something happened and he just wasted a bunch of time driving all the way to olive branch and back out to my house a couple times? there was some craziness that happened and it turned out that he was supposed to pick us up from school, which i didn't know, and had katherine drive me home. which turned out to be nice because she got to meet brandon for real and inhale cloves with us on the patio. that was nice although i wish politics hadn't come up... that's okay because i think they still like each other. mom took me to get my new reading glasses and also to get my regular ones adjusted. when i got home, katherine had gone home, so i bunkered down to do some homework. morgan and brandon kept me company, and made sure i got very little work done. they went to pick up some backyard burgers for us, and i managed to complete six physics problems. eventually i gave up so that brandon and i could go crazy. LA came over in the middle of it to work on something for art class, and while we loved seeing her, i think she was annoyed that it took her so long to get her stuff done. morgan also was working on an art project, and i had a hard time sitting still for her to draw me. sorry, guys. i hope you both get an A from the brilliant mr. berlin. once everybody was done working, brandon and i listened to kid a and beck and had a lovely night. he took us to school in the morning, this time because our parents couldn't. he came to lunch, and i got to sort of show him off. he let me eat half of his sonic toaster sandwich, and life was good. i think he had a good time, even though lunch is so short and i felt guilty that he had to drive all the way out to school just for a few measly minutes with my posse. i tried to convince him to come to all three lunches, but he wouldn't. oh well. he had to come BACK to pick us up. morgan had to do something with ms. kitts, so while we were waiting, we sat in front of the school listening to iggy pop and smoking cloves. it was the real punk rock. when we got home, we lay around on the futon forever waiting for plans to get made. eventually we hopped in the car, turned on the fugees, and went to pick up laylee and alice. on the way we saw about 23957023575320 cops and they stuck around to make a theme of the night. it was pretty weird, but we had a really wholesome day so nobody minded. it was just damn weird. anyway, we couldn't think of a goddamn thing to do so we drove all the way back to midtown and got milkshakes from java. everything was blocked off crazy because they were setting up for the cooper-young festival. being at java was sort of depressing, but nobody really suggested leaving. we ended up buying this cd called "nose songs" by a local guy named müller who uses melodies to bob dylan songs and writes his own lyrics. we then decided we were hungry, and somehow the collective BRILLIANCE of alanna, brandon, laylee, and alice made us decide to go to molly's where we ordered literally nothing but chips, salsa, bean dip, and cheese dip. SWEET LORD. we all felt bloody AWFUL after that, as you can imagine, so we high-tailed it home. we all lay on the futon in the dark and cuddled. brandon and i listened to the cd while laylee and alice gossiped and giggled. LA finally brought don over for us to meet him at like 8 something and we dragged ourselves out of bed to rent a movie at black lodge. it took us forever, but we finally came home happy and ready with "heathers." in the middle of it, kevin showed up with motherfucking william, who was in town for his mom's birthday. we turned off the movie and talked to them for a few strange minutes before they left to explore the city's changes. we put the movie back on, and alice fell asleep quickly afterwards. it ended some time after 1am, and we drove laylee and alice back home and saw 239057352 more cops on the way. i slept allllll morning long-- brandon didn't wake me up until 12, probably prompted by my father, to tell me that i had to be at theatreworks in an hour. the first rehearsal for the show was three hours long, but it went pretty well and i had a good time. even though i was anxious about getting home the whole time. if we weren't going to miss two ensemble rehearsals for voodoo, i would've tried to get out of that one. for brandon's sake, of course. he stayed at home and watched raising arizona and rock n roll high school. back at home, we sat around on the couch for a while before heading over to the cooper-young festival. to be honest, i don't know why we went, other than to see people. i don't think we stopped at any booth for more than a minute, and we only stopped at about three. we just sort of mosied along hoping to glimpse a familiar face. we did a good job of that, but then we never really talked to anyone for that long, unless they ended up joining our procession. it was a really weird concept to even be there that way. we eventually made it into java, after latching onto brock, eileen, mouse, and some friend of somebody's who i don't know. in java we found becca, daniell, laylee, kevin, and william who we sort of sort of kind of attempted to make future plans with, but did a horrible job. brandon and i got really hungry but didn't want to eat at the festival. with yet another craving for pizza coming on, we grabbed morgan and high-tailed it over to memphis pizza cafe where we had a strange meal because i made morgan feel to guilty to buy anything since she'd forgotten money. i'm a horrible person and i'm sorry. then she had to go home to work or something? we dropped her off back at home. we went on a quest for greenery and ended up on the metal floor of peabody park's jungle gym. so that was a failure, but we had managed to enjoy ourselves nonetheless. i love the sound of trains going by. we then rushed to studio to see garden state, which i had already seen, but brandon hadn't and he loved it. i was really glad. plus it was sort of a perfect goodbye movie. at home we listened to julie ruin and cat power before going to bed way too late. we woke up at 7:30 and layed around for a while in my tent. we went to breakfast at IHOP and pretended to be a pair of happy collegiate artists taking joy in life's simple pleasures-- coffee and cigarettes. it takes me forever to eat so we were there for an hour or so? i apologize to everyone who has ever had to take a meal with me. back at home we had a second anti-climactic ending to our surreal little venture. we sat around for a while burning cds. i mean come on. but seriously, folks, it was a good time. brandon left at about 1pm, rolling away towards union inside a round, green little car. he didn't look back, and i couldn't look on. i went with the family to see sky capitan of the world tomorrow which was a very silly, but very beautiful movie that took my mind off things until i got brandon's home-safe call. new orleans is still above water. it didn't even rain.

listening to: godspeed you black emperor! - sleep

Sunday, May 16, 2004

ERGOLYTES

last show today at 3pm... hope you will come out. support community theatre. because it exists.

i'm having an amazing weekend. yayyyyy! it already feels like school is out, though, and i need to get over that, and hunker down for exams. i'm debating whether or not to go to school on thursday, since i have no exams that day (AP, bitch!) but i probably shouldn't miss another day of school. whatever. i hope i get more sleep this week than i have in the last couple ones. this should be easier with my brand new jersey-knit sheets. mmmmmmmm. very quickly--
friday i had to walk to davis-kidd in the rain which was really really unpleasant. even more unpleasant was the cold temperature kept by most bookstores which i had to deal with. i did not WANT to deal with it, so i went to sleep on one of the YA benches, even though i wasn't tired. it made my legs and arm fall asleep, and i wasn't pleased. when i woke up, i went to call brock because we were supposed to do something, and there he was reading a french newspaper. asshole. he took me home where i put on some dry clothes and we proceeded to snuggle in my bed listening to the cranberries. then morgan came home, and the three of us went to quizno's where i was overwhelmed by choices and made brock order for me. he then dropped us off and left for home. the play went pretty well-- i was worried we'd be rusty after no rehearsals all week, but the audience was really receptive and we were hyper, so it was good. afterwards, me, morgan, zoe, eileen, foot, and kathryn went over to bosco's squared for dessert. kathryn and i shared a creme brulee. hmeemoagiheaoeixg.e. we were all in character, and i was bambi. yeah you heard me. take that. when i got home, i talked to brett on the phone for 40 minutes so he could tell me about his day. then brandon called and we talked for three hours because he got his new phone in the mail. it was an event. so basically, i went to bed at 3:30am and got none of my highly-anticipated sleep because brock called at 11:30am. after rushing around and attempting to plan, brock and brett picked me up and we headed to the flea market. we pet some rabbits, met the hosts of Junkin' and met up with the other kids. i had a really good time, despite several really depressing incidents. brett knew everything on the planet about the flea market world; i was incredibly impressed. we got a lot of free food, too. we bought a watermelon, and everyone ate it on my kitchen floor listening to liz phair. except me. i had a fluffernutter sandwich. brock had to be home at 5, so he and brett left. then i was treated to a cinnamon milkshake at java cabana, and headed to rehearsal. dominic didn't show, so kimberly had to learn his whole part 5 minutes before we went on. it was very nerve-wracking, but she did a really good job. the first third of the play felt really off for my group, at least, but we got into the swing and i got a lot more confident. afterwards, part of the cast and their friends walked across the parking lot and had dinner at pizza cafe, which was very nice. then a couple people went to zoe's to have a piece of chocolate raspberry cheesecake.... jesus christ. i orgasmed multiple times. after that we went home, changed my bedsheets, listened to nice music, and had a 1am nap which turned into an all-night sleep for me. i am in a very good mood, i have to leave for the play soon, and i hope to see you there.

listening to: patti smith - trampin'

Saturday, January 24, 2004

1 2 3 4 cretins wanna hop some more! 4 5 6 7 all good cretins go to heaven!!!

gahhh no posting for too long. catching up makes my brain ache...
yesterday was nice. i accidentally fell asleep in a chair at davis-kidd and woke up in between two brock phone calls. i felt really rude that i'd done that, but more annoyed that i didn't get any homework done. so when i got home, i attempted to make plans for the night with laylee, then retreated to my room to educated guess and conic section algebra problems. i toiled for about 5 minutes before it was time to eat some chickens and leave. dad drove me to white station to see kevin's one-act. i got there before laylee and becca, but dad wouldn't sit around to wait. that's okay, because they were late anyway. i went in and mrs. j was taking tickets with tim shaver.
mrs. j: who are you here to see tonight?
me: kevin nuckolls
mrs. j: ohhh are you his girl?
me: nahhh
mrs. j: do you wanna be?
me: yeah, you know it *with laughter*
so she proceeded to ask my name in order to set me up with that handsome fella. and tim just giggled away all gushery flip flop. the one-acts themselves were okay. the first was a "comedy" with lindy and davis but i wasn't really amused... the second had joseph w, olivia h, and some girl i don't know, and it was a little funnier. the third was kevin and meg robb, and it wasn't supposed to be funny. they did a very good job, and i enjoyed it a lot. bravo, kiddies! afterwards, we walked kevin to his car where he was parked next to meg. i think i broke shit off her car, but tim fixed that junt. laylee, becca, and i proceeded to walk to backyard burgers where we had milkshakes until brock met us. then laylee's mom came and took her and becca to hi-tone, while brock drove me. i was worried that we were going to be late, since the hi-tone site said that the show started at 9, and we didn't even leave backyard burger until about 9:15. however, we were sitting around at an almost empty hi-tone for quite a while before the opening act even went on. he wasn't too interesting, but my how he went on. finally he went away, and one mr. ANDREW BIRD took the stage. can i simply state that i am newly in love? the man is beautiful. i kept wriggling when he would walk by our table, before the show, and i could hardly contain myself. the opener was such a blah little set that we were all really tired, and i was terrified that the show would be a let down. but andrew bird is fucking god. he started his set by.... whistling. and jesus can that man whistle. then he would play his violin, and it would loop so that he would be harmonizing with himself. he wore his guitar on his back so that he could swing it around and play it sometimes, too. and he had a xylophone on a music stand as well. it was amazing. so much sound for just one man. even when it was just the violin with the loop, i couldn't get over it. not to even mention his voice-- that shit is honey. it's similiar to jeff buckley's in a more smooth and rolling sense. the songs sound like water, if that helps. our ride home was william, even though he couldn't make it to the show. and when we had called, we asked him to get us at 11:30, which was sad because by then we were so simply entranced by the music. we hated to go, oh we did. brock left at about 11:25. he didn't have to be home until midnight, but he wanted to be home early for the first time he was allowed out on a school night. that is a very good idea. such is the like of things i will never think. becca, laylee, and i even stayed a few minutes after our watches said 11:30 because it was just so amazing. we couldn't pull away. before we left, i got the new album, weather systems, but i'm disappointed at how short it is. it was probably around 11:45 when we got outside, but william was nowhere to be found. apparently the clock he was looking at was like 30 minutes early, so he was a bit late. that was fine because we got to hear more of the show, from outside in the freezing cold. although of course i wish we had gotten to see the end. i feel like his climax and closing would've been AMAZING, just because of the nature of the show. he was beautiful... my first thought when he started playing was "gazelle" but brock said "stork" because of the way he would lift one leg while he played. and his little face, and his little beauty... ohhhhh love. the cd i bought has "an eight minute film" which i really hope contains live footage. if so, i am going to have a party for those eight minutes, and you bitches will be there. at any rate. william came eventually. and nearly RAN ME OVER. christ. i felt bad about demanding a ride... oh well. they dropped me off, and i went and unlocked the storm door -- only to discover that dad had locked the door that NOBODY has a key to. i was really annoyed and rang the doorbell, but nobody came. so i went to my damn window, which apparently has the lock broken again. i opened it and started to climb in, only to find morgan in my bed!! i don't know which one of us was more surprised. well. she was pretty freaked out, so i guess she can win. at any rate, i did the rest of my math homework and went to bed at about 1.
school today was okay... nothing really out of the ordinary, that i can remember. oh, i fell down a stair or two, and now my foot really hurts. and laylee had our lunch, and it made me veeeeryyyyyy happy. beau got suspended because he made a dumb joke on the morning announcements -- "as they say in the tampon business, see you next period!" and they fucking SUSPENDED him!!! if that's not the dumbest fucking thing. i hate white station's crazy ass. no warning, no parent meeting, no nothing. suspended, just like that. i think they were just so shocked, it was the first thing that popped into their stupid empty heads. GAHHh. i don't even LIKE that kid, and i didn't like his stupid joke, but i hate the fact that you can't even talk about fucking periods without somebody beating your ass. what the fuck!?1 okay end rant. in study hall, i attempted to read "the jungle" for history class, but allison kept singing "welcome to the jungle" and i was about to go nuts. so we took the obvious route, and wrote a parody. it was funny. "welcome to the jungle, upton sinclair! and mary sigal! sigggall!! siggealll!!! precious precious! welcome to the jungle, we got meat!" WELL it was funny to us. after school, we had a pro bono meeting about the newsletter, which i am now going to be working on as an editor. that is pretty cool. i am only doing it because tarah was like "we need an excuse to see each other!" speaking of, the painting that she did of me in the bathroom won something in the scholastic contest thing that everyone on the planet entered. bravo, tarah!! i am very proud. after the meeting, brock and i drove to his house so that he could put on his Weekend Shirt and get some Oh's which is the only cereal he will eat. that spoiled bitch. we then drove to alice's house to meet up with her, allison, and LA. brock and i, windows down, followed alice, in her wicked new van, to park ave thrift store where i tried on little boy shirts. brock found a lot of hott hipster shirts, but neither of us bought anything because we were both entirely void of money. alice got a very cool skank-flapper skirt, and allison got a kroger shirt and a little boy's chicago bulls shirt. the highlight of the trip was when i found TAP SHOES. i put on one, and a glittering red slipper, and i danced those fucks. but everyone else was in line, and i felt silly so i didn't dance too much. plus those shoes were kind of small. i wish i had taken tap dancing... sigh. maybe i should go back to some kind of dance class. i could very well love it. anyone up for it? next we went to backyard burger because everyone was starving, and we needed cheap. as stated, brock and i had no money anyway, plus we were supposed to go back to my house at around 6:15 to go to dinner with the fam before heading off to the orpheum, so that was cool. we bummed a couple fries and took picture with alice's digicam. brock made this great comment about how we were allowed to bum food now becuse we don't have to bum rides. i was in love with it because he was inferring that i am not bumming rides off of him. i belong in that passenger seat, bitches. it just made me really really happy. brock just does. then we drove to walgreen's where LA bought a huge ass amount of matches. in the parking lot outside, we attempted to light sparklers, but it was no avail. the wind was too strong. we even stood all in a little circle in order to keep the air away, but nothing was working. eventually, we just lit the rest of that pack of matches on fire and threw it on the pavement, and tried to light the sparklers like roasting marshmallows (or potatoes...) round the campfire. and even still, we only got one lit. so we lit an ENTIRE pack of matches on fire, and we all had sparklers and we ran around and it was beautiful. unfortunately by now it was almost 6, and brock is GREAT and wanted to make a good impression on my parents by getting home slightly early. i called them on the way to let them know we were coming, when i was finally informed, when we were next to the central library, that plans had changed. foot wasn't going to get to the house until 7:15, so we were going to have stay at home instead of going out to eat. i was really put out, because i had just gotten into the hanging out spirit, what with the sparklers and all. those things just put me in a tizzy, and i become a total 3-year-old. it's pretty sick and sad. sigh. i guess being here was ... okay. brock and i listened to some music, and burned the andrew bird cd for him, but that's about it. oh, we had a mad scramble on my bed over... what was it? i can't rememeber. something silly. we always have wild fights over silly things, but it's so much fun. it started out as a tickle fight on my bed, that evolved into me sitting on brock and him kicking at me furiously, into us running in a circle around the house a few times until mom got in the way. ah well... then we ate pizza while morgan summarized almost the first half of les mis for brock, because he wanted some summary before we got to the play, so that he could follow. foot didn't get to the house until about 7:20 so we rushed out the door when she arrived. we were on time for the show and everything, so that was good. it was GREAT, and i really enjoyed it. i liked it much better than the first time, where i'd already had to deal with the family listening to the damn CD of it nonstop for an entire year. and this is NOT an exaggeration. i was REALLY surprised at how many of the tunes and lyrics i remembered... not to mention the specific voices and arrangements that were on that album, so i definitely had something to compare it to. there were lots and lots and lots of great oboe parts, which made me very happy. i kept going "OBOE!!" and killing the general population. our seats were not very good, but they were the best we could get buying for six people at the last minute. we brought binoculars, which i used a little bit. cosette terrified me. her voice was shrieky and insanely high-pitched, and when i looked at her in the binoculars, her face was about to pop off. similiar to chelsea. it was nuts. the best part of the play was when the thenardiers ended a scene with me and brock's married couple sit-com bit. it was so great. they took that shit from us, i swear to god. but yeah. i won't bore you with those details. i enjoyed myself. we got out, where we saw mrs. moore (me and morgan's first grade teacher) with her husband walking to their car. she looks the same as ever. she kept saying how me and morgan look exactly the same now. she asked if brock was my boyfriend, and i said no... mom said he was part of the family. ahaha. it was funny. why is it that people always assume we're dating? le sigh. the familia made nice conversation on the way home. mom had gotten us all chocolate roses from her school orchestra's fundraiser. they were lovely. also, i REALLY like that brock didn't leave the second we got here. i hate quick ends to things like that. they should drizzle away, like sandcastles. brock came in and had a drink, and we got his CD and listened to some more music, and talked, and things were just nice. i wish he could've spent the night, like foot. i wish i was a guy? i wish he was a girl? i wish his parents weren't silly? such is the life. i wanted him to just call his mom, and scream "TORNADO FOREVER!" and never leave our silly house. he actually made jokes about things he could say that he could spend the night too, like that he was too tired to drive. it was just sad that he didn't do it. maybe if he asked regularly, instead of always assuming the no, she would've said yes by now... or maybe if our parents would actually go hang out some time. hahhaha that would probably worsen the situation. great scott! it's 1:30am. it's time to put the girlies to bed, as they have fallen asleep on the couch watching amelie. oh, i got my fountain day pictures back from margaret today but... it is really too late to scan them. i'll do it tomorrow, bitches. tomorrow:
-scan fountain day pictures
-read LOTS of "the jungle"
-burn brandon's fucking cds
-photo session with brock
-edit with katherine
-MAMA otherlands thing?
-if none of that, find something/someone to do in the evening
-get sedated

listening to: the ramones - chinese rock

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

every day i make my way through the streets of your town

i was really pumped about writing a real post until i sat down. well i'm going to try my best for you guys, because i know i'm sick of looking through blogs with no new posts! (merv's place as the exeption.) i found these 60 cent cappuccino and cream candies that brittany sort of made me buy at big lots a few weeks ago. i'd eaten two that day and that was basically it. but i found them! and i'm addicted! they're really sweet but they leave this taste in my mouth that makes me want another one. plus i'm hungry. mmmmmmm. moving on.
i already talked a little about the weekend... friday night was great. i had rehearsal and then i got to hang out with awesome people. everyone went to abyssinia, which is an ethopian restaurant, and kevin came to pick me up from home (with william's car that kevin couldn't drive) while they were there because i told them i had to eat. and they decided to go to a restaurant like. a block away from my house. because william's stomach was eating itself. so i didn't really have anything except a bite of gross cloth bread. i had to run across poplar twice and it was horrifyingly hilarious. kevin and i nearly died ten times on the way from my house to abyssinia. after that we joggled around across the street, where the creepy cuban captain d's is. and there were these drums or something and we ran all over the world trying to find where they were coming from, with no success. then we drove around listening to modest mouse. we ended up at that christ methodist church place and we played on the playground for a while. kevin and william bribed lots of soda out of this party that was ending at the church. most of it got poured on the wood chips i think. the swings were pretty great. a lot of that newfangled equipment was discovered to be incredibly dangerous! and all the swingie bar things make your hands hurt and smell. alice and i invented the word "muffin" that you have to say like robin goodwin as a kind of abbreviation for "motherfucker" but used in completely different context. then we drove around and it was some modest mouse live song and they said something about thanks to the pixies and i was all like 'THE PIXIES' and they changed the song for me. they played "debaser" for me. it was great. kevin sang it with me. i think elise was trying to get william to watch me sing in his rearview mirror. at that point we had ended up at bookstar so that william could buy smoke and mirrors by neil gaiman. i like that place but we couldnt find the mammoth book of erotica this time.
on saturday.... i went to rehearsal. that was it. oh yeah i went with morgan and mom to buy a present for morgan to take to her friend mariana's birthday, but it also ended up being a shopping trip for mom and dad's anniversary, which was sunday (october 6). morgan bought mariana a card with an old lady on it, being levitated off the ground by all the balloons she was holding. it said "get carried away on your birthday!" and mom got a card for dad that had a cow kissing another cow that said "i love you for heifer." i didn't get anything because i don't have any money. then we went to cat's music. morgan bought the nelly furtado cd for mariana. i had to help mom find the new david bowie cd, heathen, for dad. the two-disc one. with the great pixies cover of "cactus!" i didn't get anything because i DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. it was so distressing. i tried to make morgan buy the new tegan and sara but she wouldn't. i tried to make mom buy the new bree sharp but she wouldn't. it was depressing. we blew that popsicle stand.
sunday was mom and dad's anniversary so mom woke me up around 9 or something to ask me where dad's card and gift were. i, obviously, couldn't go back to sleep so i got up. nothing really happened until 3:30. which was rehearsal. we worked on scenes 6-8. since i haven't talked about the other rehearsals i'll sum this one up: in scene 6 i'm a really bad villager because i'm not animated enough. in scene 7 i'm a really bad surrealist because i'm not loud enough and i can't say my lines right and i can't play the game very well. in scene 8 i get to play ring-around-the-rosies while the world falls apart. i've decided not to reveal anything about this scene because it needs to be surprising. i'm just like "it's creepy. we play ring-around-the-rosies and it's HORRIFYING!" actually katherine and i were talking about it when her mom drove me to davis-kidd after school today and she was like "i think i'm going to have to leave before scene 8. or maybe i just won't come at all." which is sad. i think she should come and see katherine. katherine was trying to reassure her by telling her that she's not actually IN scene 8. oh oh oh! everyone come to the momo's ball because we really need money!!! the production costs A LOT and bill has already had to cut out some of the things he wanted to do for lack of funds. moving on... right after rehearsal, dad took me to bookstar to meet laylee. she was a little late but it wasn't her fault so thats ok. dad bought a drink at the starbucks there for me and he gave me money to buy something to eat. laylee and i got cold in the cafe so we walked around the bookstore. then this guy julian who went to her school last year came up and we talked to him for a good long time and it turned out she hates him anyway. so that was an eternal waste of time. i didn't know that she hated him, or else we would have been there for a total of two seconds. so laylee finally got us out of there by saying we wanted to go eat at taco bell. she got a cheese quesadilla and i got a chicken quesadilla. laylee didn't finish hers because it was making her sick or something. i finished eating mine while we walked to turlte's music, and we got to talk a bit. outside, she got like. her fourth and fifth phone calls of the evening, on her cell phone. leath wanted to come pick her up at that very second because she was supposed to meet them at borders at 8:30 or something which basically adds up to that she'd allotted less than an hour and a half to our hangoutage time and i'd thought she had to babysit or something. her lovely mother drove me home, where morgan was watching our "get up" video again. my parents were at their anniversary dinner at cafe society. i stayed up way too late online talking to jerel.
on monday, we had the day off. as if you didn't know. i was supposed to meet margaret at the library at 2 to work on this (wretched) english project. the day before, i had realized i wouldn't be able to meet then because i would have no ride, since my parents would be at work. by the time i thought about it on sunday, i felt like it was too late to call. so i called first thing in the morning on monday and left a message. and called like 720385 times and emailed her but we never got in touch. she called here around 2:20 and i felt really really awful. she said she found a few books though. morgan and i watched "seven brides for seven brothers" and it was glorious. we did homework and it sucked.
on tuesday, ms. haughton asked me why i was still out of uniform! i was like "I TOLD YOU." so she wrote me up. when i took the thing to the office, it was fifth period and no one was there so the (EVIL EVIL EVIL) secretary told me she would call me down in sixth period. she didn't. so today i was called to the office during 3rd period (english) and i was there through like. half of 4th. and they didnt even get a chance to talk to me because they're too slow and stupid and evil. so they called me back during 6th period etymology and finally talked me and basically said i had to wear the uniform until my appeal went through. i hate ms. haughton so much right now. not only for that but because of this test we took. i actually did pretty well on it but the things i missed were because of her shit ass directions!!! we had to memorize all this vocabulary, right? the word and its genitive and the meaning. (among other irrelevant things.) so most of the words, you had to memorize the genitive SINGULAR but there were two that you had to memorize the genitive PLURAL for some reason. so on the directions she said to write the genitive singular (she underlined that.) so when i wrote iussa, i put that the genitive singular was iussi, not iussorum. and that it meant 'a command' instead of 'commands' because the woman is ret@rd*d!! and i was too scared to ask her about it today because i thought she would see my non-uniform. go figure because i was actually wearing my black moondance skirt and a grey shirt! quite a few people asked me if i was caving in on the uniform thing. i didn't really mean to be dressed like that. but i don't want to wear that skirt to school again. that skirt was not made for me. or maybe i'm just not compatible with skirts. i can't sit in my desk in the ways that i like to sit wearing a skirt. well not comfortably anyway. or without feeling like i'm going to wipe my shoes all over the thing, which wouldn't have been a good idea, as it rained all today. and like. as soon as i stepped out of the door this morning, the skirt went looser than i'd tied it and it kind of fell down on my hips and dragged the ground all day. i hate going on stairs in that thing. especially when theyre all wet and slippery from the rain. as i said previously, katherine dohan's lovely mother drove me to davis-kidd after school where i finished reading what my mother doesn't know by sonya sones. i hadn't meant to finish it, but it happened. it wasn't nearly as good as stop pretending but i forgive it because it was written in beautiful beautiful poetry form. so stuff that i normally would be bored to death reading about is made interesting anyway. i started reading this book called stoner & spaz and i had just picked up the giver when my mom came. she bought some halloween books and things for her library at school.
POTATOES ARE RADICAL!

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

i know what god wants

today was ok for the most part. ms. haughton, my latin teacher, noticed for the first time that i wasn't in uniform. she took me into the hall and asked me about things and she told me to rethink my decision to appeal and all this. it was ridiculous. if i was braver i would have said something more intelligent/intelligible. in other uniform news, i am SO SICK of hearing people (guys especially) tell me how it doesn't matter and that you can do more damage from 'the inside' anyway. i can't even go into the ridiculousness of that.
oh yeah, by the way, zak baker joined hardcore club after morgan and brittany and i told him how we hated it and how awful it was. and he won't tell us what he did to get into it. probably because he doesn't want us to tell his parents or something, is what i guess. and he asked again today about the hunter thompson video. i was like 'it sucks' and he was like 'i dont care!' but then we had to start rehearsing. in rehearsal news, he's beautiful. in performance news, i play something/someone different in every scene, but that's really typical. it's not relaly like you're suppposed to keep up with who we are. in the scene that we just started to work on today and we're going to do some more with tommorow, i am the famous surrealist poet robert desnos. i think that i am one of the characters, with (two) lines because i was so bad at the little game we did at one of the auditions that the chorus is going to be doing while the surrealists do the surreal thing. or maybe bill thinks i'm a poet haha? i'm nervous about having actual lines to memorize. also, bill said that we would be getting a sense of what part of artaud we were playing by what we had to do in different scenes and i am just completely lost, i swear to god. in the first scene in which we resurrect artaud, i have two lines about flesh and bone and all this. and, later, a line about "so the stillness of the night silences all obscenities." also i am one of lot's daughters (from the bible), in this painting and that is really horrifying. it's also my last scene. i'm going to shut up about the play now. i remember, rereading some things i said about synesthesia, how much i went on and on about nothing.
yesterday a girl named feagin in my seventh period class came up and asked me about why i wasn't wearing the uniform and we talked through.. the whole class. (people were finishing their projects that they were supposed to have finished on friday.) she's a freshman and she asked for my screen name. today we chatted a bit and i found out that she has pretty awesome taste in music (bright eyes, elliott smith, ani difranco, aimee mann, tool, a whole lot of shit i can't remember) and she made a chat with me and a few of her friends who go to white station, one of whom was the girl that used to be in my math class, that i talked to for a milisecond at davis-kidd and who has waved to me in the hall a few times (sam[antha]) point being that that was very cool and coincidental. in other news on the social frontier, i am feeling like a total r*t@rd at this moment. i swear, i feel like i should stop talking to people altogether. yes, i love sharing my music and taste with the world but, of course, i am never recognized for it and everyone else on the planet just is. because i know how to pick my friends. it's like becca's friend who was in the homecoming court that likes bikini kill becuase becca introduced it to her because laylee introduced it to HER because i introduced it to laylee. ditto with rasputina and margaret earthman the cheerleader. and today becca herself (as you can read on her blog, if you know where it is. i don't think i'm supposed to link though) was just randomly talked to by three completely awesome people just sitting at starbucks because she radiates coolness. that and she had a sleater-kinney sticker on her backpack. and they talked about bikini kill, rasputina, and bonfire madigan. katherine dohan is on the morning announcement staff and they played L'Trimm's "cars that go boom" for the song of the day when i discovered that several of katherine's friends had heard the song through her and. there's the usual, of course. i don't know i'm all jealous i guess. that and i know that when they get "famous" or at least they all turn out as really great musicians that i will be sitting around in some shit job and envying the hell out of them because i dropped oboe and never picked up guitar/bass/drums/piano/triangle/cowbell.

Monday, September 16, 2002

been rubbing a bad charm with holy fingers

so weekend. on friday, brittany and i had wanted to do something but she stayed home for waiting Button Boy to get online or call her or something along the lines of communication, which he did not. by the time i think she may have wanted to do something, i had made plans to go out with elise, robin, and brock. however, they never came to pick me (or brock) up. apparently elise and robin went on a walk and lost track of time or something. i went to bed fairly early.
on saturday, the first thing i did in the morning was listen to our lovely Launch radio station so i suggest that you should to. it's pretty good. i can't exactly perfect it because i'm trying to only rate songs that we've done previously for music log. at some point, margaret graves called and asked if i was going to the cooper-young festival. no, i had not left yet at 1pm because brittany couldn't get a ride and i couldn't get in touch with laylee. margaret and i met at java cabana and watched part of Mutant Space Bats of Doom's show or whatever theyre called. i think that's about right. the band is bennett foster, zak baker, linton holiday, and hunter deacon. ask me about getting some stills, since i filmed a bit of it. (a very little bit.) but still. i found laylee, becca, katherine, and meg but i didnt really keep up with them. when i first saw laylee she hugged me HUGE and philip jacobson stared. it made me very happy. we were everywhere. margaret and i were trying to get some hardcore club footage. katherine was JUST ABOUT to go over and interview them (with my lovely questions) but they fucking left. it was terrible. of course, laylee and becca went with them so there went the party. we should have stalked them, i'm so serious. so we got a few random people to say "i hate the hardcore club" and that was great enough in itself. margaret and i sat in java cabana for a while and just talked and that was really nice. that makes me want to hang out with her (and meg and katherine warren and christie and heather) more often. at some point we walked to felix to meet my mom, who took us to auditions for the upcoming play, the momo's curse (by our own voice) at theatreworks. margaret said she really enjoyed the auditions (which are not real auditions) but that she thought she'd done a terrible job dancing. i can't say if it's true or not because i didn't see her (ehoaoeieowooiwi i'm terrible). her dad picked her up, and my mom dropped morgan and i back off at cooper-young festival for an hour because i wanted to see if anyone i knew was still there, which they were not. except for zak, who morgan talked to. it might have been more interesting if i had remembered to bring the camera that time but i had not. and then maybe if we'd had anything to eat besides cokes (in bottles!) but we did not. mom picked us up on tanglewood (we'd been sitting there watching this great dog jump practically over his fence) and we ate backyard burger. mom said that elise had called, wanting to know if i could come with them to cooper-young and mom said they were probably already there but i hadnt seen them obviously. when we got home, i called kevin's cell (amusing that they'd be together. jesus i really do treat them like they're married.) and he was just pulling up at elise's house, so i talked to her and she invited morgan and i to come watch the royal tennenbaums with her, brock, and kevin at his house. i accepted of course and it was gala event. for those of you who care, elise's hair is now Super Blond. after the movie (which i loved for the third time) kevin drove us home because he's the sweetest thing. i stayed up too late just sitting around online.
sunday when i woke up, we went to the second auditions for momo's curse. katherine was there and that was happy. afterwards i sat around online a good bit and then did my homework. the end.
today... well this week at school is spirit week so today was Wear What You Want Day. i was going to wear the uniform because it would have been ghastly funny but i don't have one. so i just wore jeans (surprise, surprise) and my bob & doug mckenzie shirt because they are my idols. margaret gave me back my comet gain cd. meg has my sleater-kinney one beat, becca still has doolittle by the pixies (which i desperately miss), and elise STILL has dig me out by sleater-kinney. margaret was reenacting her massive fall from this morning, at lunch today, with my backpack. and when she slung it over her head and made it fly she brutally crushed my comet gain cd case but thats ok becuase i'm sure there's an extra one somewhere. also at lunch, ted link came and sat down at our table but he only talked to sam (jazz band drummer guy that i think katherine warren likes) so that was really crazy. actually hardcore was brought up somehow and he said that he'd STARTED IT! meg asked if we could make a documentary about it but i dont think he heard and that completely sucks.