revolution

make more art
consume more art
schedule yourself better

be yr own
girl gang

I can already feel the new year crackling even through the haze of being sick and the pounds of phlegm in my chest and head. it's alive! the year of freedom and bliss, we already called it.

we freed the fish and the fish freed us.

lament for lost autumn

for a chilly moment in the Mills dorm bathroom, i'm blown back to the fresh weeks of fall in the golden blue ridge mountains: bright, full, expectant.

california has made us small, our dreams lost ever since our open hands closed around degrees into tiny fists, into a world for forgetting. the price of the status. the cost of responsibility, the rewards that never come. what did we trade for those days of dreaming? a hot november afternoon, the sun and the geese on thr lake, sober as saints, counting bugs on our muddy legs and laughing deep for the first time in weeks.

tonight will be dancing, women, and wine; we will try to remember how to love, not forget.

say, honey i am not sorry

every time you look, you get sick to your stomach, feel nauseous and dizzy, the cavern cracked in your chest, gouged. you need to lock up all the offenses in a box and get it out of sight, burn it if necessary.

don't forget: last night you felt nothing. thirty minutes on the phone, and nothing. the drop in your gut at the predictable typical "hello?" multi-tasking at the party, the ugly silence. how flippant to your low note, how ungrateful and spoiled for a charmed life.

you drink, and dream of women: cale's birthday a circus of pierced nipples, rooms full of bathtubs, and balancing acts on floating balloons. waking up is not real life, but you have a better memory of what it could be. you just want a 19th-century romance with a woman in a field.

GOALS:
--acrobalance
--herb garden
--sublet/house-sit cabin
--animate with morgan


You are Eeyore. 


listening to: joanna newsom - kingfisher

dreamt of goth and fey girls, and finding a way in the woods.

skipped work. skipping class. slept 10 hours and even had a dream, but it was gone before i brushed my teeth.
health center tells me that i'm not sick, but i beg to differ.
is the divacup sexy?

who shall measure the heat and violence of the poet's heart when caught and tangled in a woman's body?

virginia woolf has been renewed as one of my heroes. how did i forget that she is so amazing? i just read this excerpt from a room of one's own and i am blown. away. completely. wow.

that is all.


listening to: my own sniffles

i am a werewolf

ahhh, another day.
soooo this weekend was the memphis trip, which we had been soooo looking forward to for so very long. i'm not sure if i'd call it anticlimactic.... it was definitely worth the trip. friday night was gonerfest where we (me, brandon, leroy, rachel, bonnie, ALICE, LAYLEE, etc) mostly sat in some bushes outside and drank malt liquor, i.e. SPARKS. this was the time of my downfall.... i've been sick for a while now and rather than going allll the way inside and waiting in line to blow my nose, i just used some leaves. naturally. i do this all the time. however, by the end of the night, i had little black marks on my face and arm, although i didnt notice them until saturday morning.
at any rate.... the bands were great, although, of course, Mr. Airplane Man blew everybody else out of the water. it was amazing!! brandon and i were basically the only dancers in the building, which was disappointing, but not at all shocking for the memphis hipster crowd. it's rather unfortunate how prudish we memphians can be... luckily i'm doing everything i can to break the mold. ho ho ho. after their set, i hung out with mfox and saki behind a newspaper until our eyeballs fell out. i was then dragged to the car because apparently rachel was passing out on the pavement and was really ready to go. i was still ready to run around, but apparently i was the only one. apparently i was the only one who thinks 2am is not that late. back at my house, my darling girls laylee and alice stayed with me until 4am, letting me rant and rave and rip my head off. what angels! i don't know what i would have done without them. so they left and i crawled into bed with my beautiful sister, who, a mere 3 hours later, opened her big, beautiful eyes and asked me, "why are you sad?" so of course i woke up. and you know, i cant generally go back to sleep after being awoken... so morgan and i made our rounds through the other rooms of sleeping kids and made sure we weren't alone in consciousness. perhaps we'll never be forgiven, but do you really think we'd care? ha! leroy and bonnie made a beautiful breakfast that was supposed to be hashbrowns, but ended up as mushy potatoes and veggies. it was still delicious, if you ask me. so we spent an unfortunate amount of time lounging around my house... not that i REALLY minded, but looking back, we probably should have caused some ruckus. although i got some great quality time with my kitty. we took naps in the early afternoon to combat our three/four/five-hour nights, and i helped morgan create the perfect pirate costume for a cowboys and indians ice cream social. she even had a sword! but the little hussy ran off with my bandana... grrr. i had just acquired that one, too. ah well, i suppose all things must pass. we eventually got out of that cave of a house, and wandered around cooper young for a few hours. traditional stops for records at goner, feast of eyes at house of mews, and deliciousness at young avenue deli... although since the neighborhood has been attracting more yuppies, they've raised their prices, and i don't like it one bit. the fries aren't as good these days either! it's almost not worth it but.... ohhhhh the cheesy sticks. yes yes yes. at this point we split up: the nola crew went off to fill a southaven fridge with warm beer, and the ALA girls headed downtown to create some mischief. i think i acquired about $100 worth of clothes, all soft and colorful and cottony. i'm pretty proud. then we all met back up again to go to theatreworks for Birth, a play which is trying to raise awareness about maternity care in the states. it was pretty great, and i'm so glad that we all got to go. especially the reduced prices for all seven of us! it is awesome to be in the our own voice family... theatreworks always feels like coming home.
after the play, we were supposed to hang out with lauren h, but she was nowhere to be found! sad the way that always seems to go... instead, we sat around on my kitchen floor and ate tomato soup and sunset pizza from camy's. by now it was almost 1am and the kids were starting to crash. brandon and i tried to rouse everyone for a late-night trip to peabody park, as is custom, but nobody was down. we walked alice and laylee out to the car, and by the time we made it back inside, everybody was.... indisposed. it was rather unfortunate. we convinced bonnie and leroy to give us a LITTLE shared bed time, but soon we were kicked out. it was weird to be kicked out of that whole side of the house... i don't think i've ever run across the predicament before. so brandon and i watched "return to oz" and looked up perversion on the internet. it was great times... as you can imagine.
the next morning, i woke up with a puffy, red face that mom swore was hives. leroy insisted that it was poison ivy, like whatever he had on his leg and arms. i used his zanfel medicine, but to no avail. i took some benadryl and passed out while morgan, leroy, and bonnie were cooking. everybody paraded in and out of my room like a tv show. i vaguely remember hugging rachel goodbye, morgan trying to coax me up with biscuit dough, etc. but mostly i remember my wonderful mama sitting with me, rubbing my back, and soothingly asking if i wanted to transfer colleges. it was certainly a weekend to be babied, and i gobbled it all up. unfortunately, now i'm back in new orleans, totally lonely and motherless again. i really do like to have someone taking care of me... my big memphis support group of friends is so perfect for that. even the reduced version that i had over the weekend was perfect. i can't figure out what's so different down here, but i just don't have the same sense of safety and love that i do when i'm in my hometown. i don't think new orleans is really that much scarier than memphis.... but i guess my neighborhood here is pretty bad. and my friends down here are all fucking nuts. i just want cuddles and hugs and someone that knows when i'm hurt and what the fuck i'm talking about. i need more women in my life. i need cat energy. i need a pile of pillows to pet on. i need tea parties and bubble baths and girls nights. this is a situation that i'm going to start working on asap. yeesh.

so my face is still all puffy and horrible. i went to the doctor before i realized that it was probably the nose-blowing leaves that did it... geeehhh. i have been taking medicine as if it was a bacterial infection, but i think i'll go back to the doctor on thursday to get checked out again. i've been sick for way too long!!! this is getting old!!! i need to be surrounded by less smoke, that will probably help my throat. geez.
tonight hilary is supposed to come over for a hair night with me and py! it should be great. as long as i can still manage to wake up for my 8:30 class, it's all good. we have pink and purple dye, and no regard for humanity dignity!
now i should go read "demian" for my short fiction class. i'm enjoying it so far and i can only expect that it will get better! plus there's a quiz tomorrow.. yipe.

cmon back to me right now

it's really late. my chest aches, and i should sleep. i should finish christmas presents and shopping. i should be doing my college applications. i should finish this dr pepper.
i hate everything.
we finally got our christmas tree today. mom even started the ornaments. dad put some lights up outside too while i ate grilled cheese. LA, laylee, alice, and wenli picked me up around 1 to go get-up shopping at victoria's secret in peabody place. nobody could find anything that fit except for alice. how depressing is that when you go to a store that supposedly specialize in all that mess, and only one in five people can even wear the damn sizes. that settles it. i'm only wearing custom-made bras from now on.
i bought a chai at starbucks. soon i'll implode.
we went into some clothes store that depressed me. i'm really no good at being a girl, although it was nice to pretend for a few minutes today and talking about girly things all afternoon at chick-fil-a. one day i'll either learn or just give up entirely.

listening to: the breeders - do you love me now?

we can dance and dance

so i found out that my reasons for being angry/sad about girls' night being cancelled were the wrong reasons. it turned out for the better since laylee was feeling sick last night. yesterday sallis came and picked me up in the early afternoon. we got milkshakes at java cabana, he bought the new bjork album, and he got to meet the poor nameless puppy. alice and katherine met us at sonic and we headed downtown to the memphis music and heritage festival. we only knew where one of the stages was, and it was a little late for shopping around. we watched this goofy guy play the piano, ran around peabody place, and went back to the stage where a really hysterical rap group was performing. some guys filmed us for their public access show. as we were leaving, we passed the place where becca and laylee were volunteering. we heard a REALLY great band that sounded something like andrew bird's bowl of fire. the crazy thing is that we came in during the middle of them playing "st. james infirmary." it was weird that i recognized it, being so familiar with danny barker's version, in which he adds a bunch of awesome lines and side notes. actually everyone should hear that version because it's the ultimate. it was really great, and i hated having to leave. sallis took us home, where katherine, alice, and i had a totally awesome girly night as a trio. we stuffed ourselves with cinnamon tea, popcorn, and java chip ice cream. we talked about boyzzz and morocco and great shit. we listened to lots of music and watched some music videos and rolled around on the futon. it was great. i missed seeing LA and laylee though. we stayed up till after 5am, which was a bad idea. ah well. katherine woke up at 9:30 for church. when she came home, alice and i eventually dragged ourselves out of bed and went to breakfast at ck's. i drank too many cups of coffee with sweet-n-low. something inspired me to order the paul bunyan breakfast. do not ask me why. i stuffed myself absolutely full. after a long meal, katherine took me back home. dad immediately took me to lauren's house so that we could work on our math project-- it's a powerpoint presentation for pre-calculs about fucking PEEPS. i took a nap in lauren's super-comfy bed before katherine, alice, and brett picked us up around 7 to head down to south memphis. there's really no words to describe things that i would like to say, but there's at least this: we listened to elephunk (my new favorite album) about 5 times, ate a second breakfast at ihop, found a little piece of the apocalypse, inhaled a cornucopia of chemicals, observed the loading of a barge, befriended men of the mississippi, used a crane as a jungle gym, got covered in oil and sugar, explored a man named harley's boathouse and got sexually harassed by his creepy red neck brother. president's island is my new favorite place. i love the mississippi. i love my city.

listening to: the black eyed peas - the boogie that be

faithless, grungy, pathetic, wretched

last night all plans were somehow abandoned and alice and ended up at home alone all night. it was really great because we had time to hang out and talk and be wonderful. i absolutely LOVE that girl!!!! it was also funny because she and i were hanging out while laylee and LA were hanging out. our group of Girls was separated into the "Al" and the "La" couples. ho ho ho. i love that kind of thing. the kind of thing i do NOT love is that our girls night for this evening is cancelled. it makes me angry and sad. hopefully i'll make up for it by hanging out with sallis and katherine and alice today. hooray!

listening to: juliana hatfield - what a life

just can't leave that dog alone

last night, laylee and i went to bookstar. we looked at the mammoth book of erotica or whatever, but it was really terrifying. we looked at other photography books, like this one with photographs all of women (some of them were famous and some of them were just normal people). it was pretty cool, but we didn't like the pictures of the government women because they looked so posed. then we walked to turtle's and looked at CDs we couldn't buy. actually, i had $10 so i could have bought something used but i didn't really see much of anything. laylee remembered that she had to return her movies to blockbuster that night, so she called her brother on her cell but he wouldn't take them. we called kevin to see if we could attack him, and elise answered his cell phone.
elise: where are you?
me: turtle's.
elise: turtle's music? do we know where that is? ....ok don't move. you can breathe, but don't move.
and so a few minutes later, she and kevin and robin goodwin showed up. we hung out at turlte's for a little while longer, before piling into kevin's car and going to my house. (the ride in the back seat was very intimate, as i was squished between laylee and robin.) at my house, i just ran in to tell my dad who i was with and that he didn't have to pick me up, and i grabbed the camera. we decided to go to java cabana, which turned out to be closed, so we just walked around cooper-young, and then further down cooper. i got some good footage, but some of it is REALLY dark since they didn't want me to use the night shot the whole time. i filmed a lot of the backs of kevin, elise, laylee, and robin as i walked behind them. we got some nice conversation footage. some dancing. elise jumping on kevin's back. pretending to pet the cats through the glass at house of mews. the monkees walk. elise filmed the cute guy who works at black lodge (video store). the weirdest part of the evening was when we were standing in this empty parking lot place, on cooper. the place that's filled with children's games at the cooper-young festival. (yes, i pretended that i was on the moon bounce thing.) and uh. there were three people walking by and elise yelled "can we interview you?" and they were like "sure" and they came over and elise told them we didn't really have any questions. after a couple seconds i realized that one of them was morgan, from the our own voice production of the play "spurt of blood." i was trying to think of a quote i could say from the play that would show i knew who he was but the only thing i could think of was "SHOW ME YOUR TITS" and that wouldn't have been very appropriate. you know, though, i always end up seeing morgan everywhere. like once he was at my school for some reason. and i see him at bus stops sometimes, and outside blockbuster. once i saw him at otherlands (where he apparently works) and i said, "hi, morgan!" because i forgot he didn't know me. he was kinda like "...hi?" because my dad and my sister were the ones in a play with him, not me. i forgot i guess. anyway, the other guy said that they were watching entries for a film festival thing and elise asked what movies they were about to watch. they said they didn't know the titles, but they'd just watched one called romeo and juliet revisited. and if you didn't know. that's the movie katherine, brittany, morgan, and i made for katherine and i's english extra credit assignment. katherine entered it in the film festival for god knows what reason, but i had nothing to do with it. that just about killed me of embarassment. it was very very very weird. it was a wild and wacky night.

Nabikichan086: hell, i didnt think you'd be this crazy when i first met you