Thursday, July 31, 2003

i drew the stars into the night with a stick of thin chalk
not very well, i'm afraid
i've never been an artist
they didn't stick and slid off after a few hours
in the delirium of their fall, she came to me with only one shoe
in the wreckage i gained a freckle in the crook of my elbow
she is beautiful
she puts her hands against my forearm, to separate my fingertips from her soft stomach
i kiss us until i notice something running down my skirt
i remember the star disaster
the night is just glossy black glass and miss moon is not pleased
i take refuge in your skin
someone else can clean up

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

hi, all. that's a total joke, i know that nobody is reading this blog *cough* tedlink *cough* well hey i can say that because i have comments which nobody uses. i'm going to delete them soon, when i get back to memphia. exciting things of the past few days:
-watched a bunch of movies (don juan demarco, some cowboy bebop hting, banger sisters, america's sweethearts, robin hood, robin hood men in tights, etc etc etc because nobody has anything good to do except watch movies)
-ran through corn fields for no reason
-held a lovely rabbit
-held one very very tiny frog, newly un-tadpoled
-tried to catch another frog, but did not succeed
-was leapt upon by a lizard, and then he crawled all over me and into my bag. it was marvelous.
-broke a hammock
-ran about 'on the lamb', so that nobody would find out htat we broke hte hammock
-put out beer to kill slugs with grandma
-ate breakfast enough to last me all day long + two brownies
-was forced to take several pain-rides (opposite of joy ride?) back and forth from grandma's house to my cousins' house across the pond
-nearly hit a cow, ran into a ditch, forgot to slow down, forgot to speed up, forgot my turn signal, forgot about lanes, backed into grandma's tree.

that's about all i can think of for now. if i think anything else i'll come back. ho ho ho.

listening to:the movie 'legend' (the director's cut. it is way long, and the scenes are all screwed over, and the score is ocmpletely different. it really makes you realize how important a soundtrack is to every mood and every scene and all. okay.)

Monday, July 28, 2003

ugh i'm so sorry that i haven't been blogging.... this is the first time i've been on a computer for a week, though. all the power was knocked outta memphis during Super Storm 2003!!!!!!! there wasn't much to do. downtown got its power back really quickly, so we ended up eating there a lot of the time. i spent a lot of time sitting in the dark of my room on the phone (especially with brock, who is actually really great to talk to on the phone. don't let him tell you that he sucks at it. actually, he's great to talk to anytime/place. so nevermind. this is pointless. i love brock. okay.) and doing nothing. on thursday i got to go hang out at brock's house, and we tried to call laylee and becca to come see us but they're assholes. i never saw elise either, i don't really know what she was up to but maybe she'll post about it on her blog. so after sitting in the dark for a few days, mom and morgan and i drove to north georgia for a crazy family reunion on friday, where i didn't know anybody. yesterday, we left there and drove south to alma where my grandparents and cousins and whatnots live. we're coming back to memphis either tomorrow or wednesday... dad says the power's back, hoorah hoorah. i want to see elise before she leaves for new orleans (to visit brandon), and i want to see becca and laylee lots and lots and lots because they are lotiony gravy goodness. brock's in florida at the moment, and doesn't come back until saturday. too bad because we have been really enthusastic about SKINKARDCYST lately, and i really want to start recording our album. woohooooo i'm so punk. anyway. have a lovely life, kids. i wish this was a better post. sigh.

listening to: harry fucking potter and the goddamn chamber of punkass secrets

Friday, July 25, 2003

you run to me like your life's in danger
you run to me like i matter
you forgot the picturesque, obvious hug in which
you lift me off the ground in the intensity of our love
you forgot the movie screen kiss
and the director is screaming at you
while the camera rolls
you are wasting valuable film
under a sky where the dripping clouds were smeared on set
this is your cue
it looks like rain
or sun
or not
so cut
they want me replaced
you can't work in this environment
means i just don't have what it takes
you've been settling for less
i can still sit outside your trailer
waiting for a chance to make you laugh
and when they bring the new girl in
will you still want me around at all?

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

tonight brock decided that the open-mic thing wasn't such a great idea after all, i guess, or that he just wasn't up for it. so he, elise, and i were going to go have our sonic poetry night. then he wasn't even allowed to go out, anyway, so i guess it was better that we weren't going to do something he REALLY cared about. so elise came to my house and we walked over to sonic loaded with poetry anthologies. i brought a few of my own notebooks, because i REALLY REALLY want a day where we read our own things to each other.... that just feels like a really close, personal, beautiful thing to me, and i wanted to have that day with brock and elise. anyway though. so elise and i basically took turns reading poems to each other... i read out of a few compiled books by a bunch of different people, but elise stuck with this james tate book. not that he isn't great and everything. it was an okay night... we talked for a little bit. i don't feel like we accomplished too much or anything. then i came home and brock was online, so we wrote some punk songs. i love our late nights. *claws* anyway i think i am going to try to go call elise.

listening to: lunachicks - the return of brickface and stucco

Monday, July 21, 2003

i have finished angela's ashes!! bravo for me. i'm sorry, laylee... but i really have to finish things. don't worry, i haven't done ANYTHING on the assignments, though. i just read the two books, and that's it, not a page more. let's see. tonight there is a thing at the basement with open-mic whatnots, and brock is trying to figure out whether or not it's all ages. let's see.... i'm waiting for dad to come back with my film from wolf camera, and morgan is spending the night with foot and seeing pirates of the caribbean for the 3 time as we speak. thursday is my first .. therapy. what do you call him? my first therapeutiic session ahahahahaahah damn it. i am going to be really bad at this, i can tell already.

listening to: tattle tale - sister blue
Schizotypal:Very High
Borderline:Very High
Avoidant:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

my answers on this thing is always different, which i think is hilarious. i like to take it over and over. i've only posted it two other times though: here and here. i can't tell which one makes me seem more messed up. i know this thing is just silly but it makes me think anyway. i mean, it obviously has some basis in reality. oh well. i'm supposed to see a therapist sometime soon. i don't know how it will go... i'm pretty freaked out, actually. i don't know.

listening to: pixies - hey (the live version that i LOVE)
(just now morgan came in to get some popcorn and i was listening to this on the headphones, so i lip-synched to her glass of milk. she could tell what i was 'singing' becuase of the faces i made. is that sad or what?!)
"well we've entered the 21st century now!!" -- my mother, upon the installation of our new microwave

i am SO eating a big ole bowl of buttery popcorn. hell yes. my life is beautiful.

listening to: dead milkmen - leggo my ego
just talked to brock on the phone for 4+ hours. le sigh. i absolutely love him. sometimes i feel like it isn't mutual or he's settling for somebody... like he'd much rather be closer to somebody else, instead of me, but i am the person who is around. and then we have lovely moments (or 4+ hours) like this, or the time he tickled my back and we invented the lobsters in the sand song. i love that kid.

listening to: tokyo ska paradise orchestra - lupin the 3rd '78

Sunday, July 20, 2003

got back from visiting my grandparents in jackson about an hour ago. not too much happened... i'm about to post the interesting stuff on DOY though. so you can check that out if you care. uhmm. i'm looking forward to seeing some kids, but i doubt anything will happen tonight. too bad. i'm glad that i didn't miss too much, like brock said. last time i was in jackson, i missed the world.

listening to: desaparecidos - manana

Friday, July 18, 2003

i had a pretty nice day. woke up to being grounded, and read my quota of angela's ashes. i'm really enjoying it, i barely notice time or pages going by when i read it. before i start, i circle the page i have to finish and then suddenly (not really suddenly. there's time.) i'm there! it's lovely. i'm really really really liking it, too. did i say that? anyway. so i read my quota, and then i worked on country spacecraft and talked to brandon. at some point elise called and asked if i could come to open-mic, and i was like "well i'm grounded, but i'll ask anyway." but mom let me go HAHA so i guess i'm not grounded. pretty funny, if you think about it. i love my mother. so then suddenly elise, brock, and katherine were here. elise printed some of her poems out, and i ate my cheeseburger, and dad+mom talked myths with brock. i read "little fur family" to him, and he said i should read to him more often. he was a very good boy, and he paid attention and looked at the pretty pictures. i liked it. i should read to him more often. and anyway we left eventually. open-mic vibe was really really really weird tonight, because all these white station graduates were there.... they just happened to be there, i guess, because the little groups weren't communicating with each other. but each of them was noisy as hell, and they talked ALL over poems, and my soul was maimed. michael (yes, back from spain. ugh) opened with this huge 1o-year speech about that people shouldn't spend forever up at the mike and everything. it was really weird because most of the regulars weren't even there. he was basically talking to brock and elise. he hasn't even been there lately, and HE of all people has the nerve to tell people not to read too many poems? YEAH, MR. NEIL DIAMOND. YA FOOKIN GOBSHITE! KISS MY ARSE. and he RAMBLED for sixty fucking years, and it was awful. then he read a poem, and i would've been paying more attention if he had shut the fuck up hours before, but he DIDN'T so i hated the poem. oh well, it serves him right. elise read less than usual... too bad. but she was lovely as usual. neither katherine, brock, zoë, morgan, or myself had brought anything to read, so we just sat around. elizabeth, meg, margaret, and tarah came after a while. they're lovely as always. tarah read, and i love her. people talked all over my favorite one though and i was very upset. elise's friend laura from bridgebuilders read a poem that i really liked, and i want to invite her to DOY. i'm surprised she isn't on there yet, what with elise being able to sorta recite her poems already. amber popped in for a few minutes, and did an improv which was lovely as always. this one was funny. i'm glad that meg, margaret, and tarah got to hear her. this new woman played a folky song, and i really liked what i heard of hte lyrics. she said it was about rapunzel and medusa falling in love with the same man, and i thought it was really clever. there was this one absolutely amazing verse with all these allusions to stone... it was just great. (medusa turns people to stone, and rapunzel lives in a stone tower. it was just great.) and this very slammy guy whose name i have forgotten (but it's on brock's blog) performed a poem, and he was great. ana read one, morgan fox read a couple. tilden (who had unfortuneately missed michael's speech) and this new guy each read for a really, really long time. and they read back to back. they literally cleared the room. but it was a really nice night, all in all. i love being able to have this in my week. i was very very very sad with becca and laylee missing, but i think that even if becca had been there to play, it would've been different and strange with all of the crazy white station kids there and everything. i'm completely rambling. that's okay. now i'm just hanging out and i'm REALLY hungry so i might go to bed. i forget how i do this in the summer all the time, but my cure for late-night hunger is sleep. always. oh yeah, and when i got home i talked to brandon for a few hours, because he's really easy to talk to and everything. but how's this for a great way to end your day:
robitussin am: in your presence, i could feel . . . power
robitussin am: maybe it was confidence or strength or somehting
robitussin am: but it had power behind it
robitussin am: which i found intimidating
robitussin am: but i also immediately grew a respect and love for you
robitussin am: but you wouldn't talk to me
aLittleStarlight: i didnt mean to not talk to you
robitussin am: no worries. i actually wanted to photograph you more than anything, but i ran out of film
robitussin am: you're beautiful and physically threatening

woowwwwwww. i've never heard "threatening" before. i like that. and "beautiful" is a new one. nobody's ever said it like that. and if i ever hear it again, it will be the same shock. i just feel really deeply complimented right now. and maybe not even because i feel like exactly what he said, but the fact that somebody happened to have those completely sincere thoughts about me makes me feel like an okay person. and plus look what tarah said:
FalLynnStar: your so professional. i dont know. but i LIIKE it

how are those for contradictary? oh well, i like it that people see me different ways, and i'm HAPPY, and in a lovely mood.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

today and yesterday were absolutely BEAUTIFUL. yesterday after the doctor's appt and whatnot, laylee and i decided around 6ish how nice it would be see each other. we have absolutely mad plan-making skillz, but unfortuneately our cohorts refuse to comply. so around 8:15, elise, brock, and laylee pull into my driveway. i was sad because brock had to be home at 10, which left about a full 10 seconds for me to see them before i went home. as we were driving towards union, i make this completely random comment about how once-upon-a-time i played in these GREAT fountains downtown. so elise is like "LET'S GO!" and we do. the ones i meant are the ones in the civic center plaza that shoot out of hte ground and all that. brock knew the ones i meant, and we found them together, but they were turned off. that was really sad. so we ended up walking around and watching this beautiful flock of birds that was really like 10 flocks of birds having a party, and they were all at different levels in their little sections, and.... oh it was beautiful. pretty indescribable. plus they were up against the pinky sky as the sun was setting, and memphis didn't look like memphis, and it was just a really great moment. so we walked around for a little while with our necks stuck toward the sky. then we found this little fountainy kinda pool thing. brock and i were saying how awesome it would be to film somebody dancing in it, so elise and laylee (clad in man-pants) took off their sandals, and waded in it. they danced a little bit, but apparently it was squishy and strange so they got out of there. we walked back the way we'd came, to go see if the ground-fountains were back on. they weren't, but we could see the wetness around them so they'd been on SOME time. i guess it was too late in the evening, and therefore not hot enough? we were just gonna sit there and wait-ish, but i wanted to go see the other fountain. it's this big L-shaped wall thing that has water running down it, and 2 little raised pool things on the ends. i don't really know how to describe it, but it's nice nice nice. so it was really damn hot and we were thinking how NICE it would be to just lay against those walls and let the water run down. so we did. for a couple hours. and we danced and sang really loudly and it was just beautiful. there were a few little moments when we all just stopped and had big group hugs and once a kiss festival. also brock let me jump on him TWICE. it was beautiful, and i had a great night. we had to take brock home by 10, as i said, and walking through the streets all wet, i felt like we were magic. we were pixies and naiads who had accidentally landed on this plane. we were beautiful and everything was beautiful. then we listened to ani in the car and there was wind running thru our hair from the open windows and wind is one of my favorite things. it was just lovely. brock and i danced, and i sang too loud, and then we took him home. then laylee and i spent the night with elise, and i'm glad that my mom let me stay out. in retrospect, it probably would've been a better idea to have spent the night at home, and then just had them pick me up later today. i didn't, though, and i had a really nice time at elise's. we stayed up till 4 just sitting around. elise was mainly talking to brandon online, and laylee + i were cozy on the floor, then the couch. i kissed her nose many times. i kissed her clavicle only once. le sigh. i love the girl, i love her. i want to kiss her hip bones. it was really nice though. except when i hit my head. elise has a very hard floor. we all slept in one bed (NOT the big ole crazy cloud bed) and it was relatively nice. i move WAY too much in my sleep, and i'm a blanket/bed hog. but anyway. we woke up at 1ish. we sat around the masur residence for a bit, before going on many various outings. we did QUITE a bit of driving... i'm not sure if i would be able to remember all the places we went in the right order.
laylee's house-- for mass amount of change, her camera, and her pixies cd
shnuck's-- to turn laylee's change in $15, and pretend that we are buying things for a picnic. (elise just got some fruit. then we noted the time...)
memphis college of art-- at 4, we picked up brock.
my house-- i hadn't been able to put my watery contacts back in at elise's when i woke up, so i took them home and got my glasses. we also got some gouda cheese and towels.
becca's house-- to pick up becca!
then we finally drove downtown. it was nice to know where we were going this time. we stopped in subway to get food... that made me sad because it wasn't a real picnic if we were just buying food and carrying it a block away. so in protest, i just got some chips and a big ole dr. peppah. the ground "dancing fountains" were off again, but that was okay. we sat on the hot hot hot ground and ate our foods. and while brock and elise went off to piss in a grocery store, laylee took pictures of becca and it was happy happy happy. then brock and elise came back and we held hands in a line and JUMPED into the fountain thing all at once. becca looks like a mermaid all wet. brock looks like a pixie. elise is already a pixie. laylee looks very sex. i'm sure i look quite silly, just because i hate myself. people kept smiling at us, and some policeman wathced us for a while. it was a beautiful night... for a while i was just alone and dancing around by myself in the water, the other kids were out talking or something, i don't really know. i really shoud've gone over, i guess, because little did i know that i would ahve to go home ebfore everyone else. it was really sad. brock's parents told him on the phone that he couldn't stay someplace like that, so we left. we went back to becca's house to get her guitar so that she could play at htis open-mic thing at overton shell. but on the way htere, mom called me and said i had to come home right then, to do this list of things that i'm supposed to do every dya. i was like "mom, i'll have PLENTY of time" but she didn't belive me. it sucked. so they ended up doing other things anyway. (see elise's, becca's, and brock's blogs.) when i got home, i read angela's ashes like a motherfucker, cleaned out the catbox, scrubbed that bathroom floor and the sink, and ..... sat around on the computer and pretended like ANY SECOND NOW i was going to edit country spacecraft. really i just talked to brandon and elise. which i'm still doing. this post took me hours to write because of that. ah well. i think i'm about to get caught still awake. i really wanted to elaborate more on how beautiful the fountain thing was, but i don't know. i guess whatever details i give won't make any sense to anyone else.... but aside from the kids who were htere, who's reading this?! so i guess i might add some later. plus, i'm sure i'd want to know when i look back. also i'm wayyyy tired and very sick of this stupid blog. why did i decide to do this, again?

listening to: mates of state - everyone needs an editor

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

blegh i am taking a break from working on the film of country spacecraft ballerina. yeah, i deserve a break. after working for 5 minutes, and then eating a lovely toasted bagel with cream cheese. oh, don't get me wrong, i love editting. ah well.
today mom woke me up at 1oish, handing me a schedule thing. she has now planned things that i'm supposed to do every day, every week, etc during the summer. i hate it. oh well. she also dragged me to the doctor's office today, for him to look at something absolutely ridiculous that doesn't even exist. after we'd been waiting to see him for a damn hour and a half, we took off. thank god. but i did find out that i weigh 103 pounds, and that i'm 61 inches tall, and i never knew before. well i guess i found out, i just never remembered. so here i am putting it down for posterity, so that i don't forget, sort of. anyway, while we were waiting i finished reading the awakening, for ap english. i'd actually brought angela's ashes, but left it in the car assuming that i wouldn't finish the first one. silly me. so i talked to my mom a little bit, and lay there on the damn mat thingie before we decided to make a break for it. then we went to easy way and talked about blogs. mom bought mushrooms, and i love mushrooms -- just to look at, not to eat. i wish i was a mushroom. they're so happy.

listening to: modest mouse - heart cooks brain

Monday, July 14, 2003

happy birthday, mom! dear ms. leslie lynn jacobs fell into this world 48 years ago today, only it was a thursday then. thats why she loooooves thursdays. i love thursdays, too, because thats the day when i get to see the lovely kids at java. uhm. anyway. so for my mother's birthday, she woke me up at 11something this morning and put a rather wet dog on me. that wasn't so cool. but she was in a good mood, and i think it made her happy to see me writhe. so i got up, and got dressed, and got generally ready to go to see this movie raising victor vargas, because it was mom's pick of the day, and she is determined to see a movie in the theatre every day for a week during her birthday celebrations. (so far she has been to four. she loved raising victor vargas, man on a train, and pirates of the caribbean. she HATED league of extraordinary gentlemen, mostly because of wicked old sean connery.) so around 12:30 (when we were supposed to be leaving) mom discovered that her keys were utterly gone. i finally found them in the most obvious place (bookshelf by the door, hello!?) half an hour later, so we had to wait for the next showing of the movie. mom, morgan, and i were the only people in the theatre. it was pretty nice, because we sat in the very middle of the room, and talked loudly, and ate our candies and had a lovely time. the movie was great, and as i said, mom loved it, which was the whole point. then we went to black lodge and rented a couple movies. one of which was serial mom (HAHAHAH) and a perfect birthday choice, if i do say so myself. near the end, elise called, and i called her back when it was over, but by that time she'd made other plans. ah well. she wants to hang tomorrow, which is cool. i feel like i haven't really seen her in a while. mom got lots of lovely birthday prezzies, and she is drinking her second india pale ale, and having a splendid time. she and morgan are watching bridget jones' diary, and i wish i was doing something other than sitting around... can't think of anything else to do, though. i'm so very boring. cheerio to no one! i save all my love for you...
this is the story of my life. i had high hopes of happy yogurtdom after i opened the fridge and found some lovely organic kind that mom bought some time. i read the label and the flavor was "vanilla truffle .............. with cream." so i was like okay. and i opened it and there was literally this little pile of cream on it, and that was really creepy. but i brought it back into the computer room, where i was (and still am) talking to brandon on aim. so i'm like "this is uber creepy" and he's like "dear god, don't eat it" especially after i showed him the picture. ha. so i went and scooped the "cream" into the sink, and i came back with my newly refreshed yogurt. whatever, whatever. so i take a bite, and it's all gravy. not the yogurt. uhm. okay. retake: i took a bite, and everything was fine. it tasted pretty nice, and i had dismissed the fact that it was just covered in 'cream'ish a few seconds before. so i'm about to tell off brandon for telling me that my yogurt was gross, when i look down at the carton some more and theres BROWN in it. and i freaked out for all of .3 seconds before i realized that it was chocolate. at least... i THINK it's chocolate. it's brown and the flavor is supposed to be something about truffles. so okay i'm calming down. and i keep eating this yogurt. but the truffle/chocolate thing is just WEIRD and CREEPY tasting. and i kept complaining to brandon. so i ended up throwing it away.
anyway that's all. it seemed exciting at the time.
i really love late night phone calls. they're the next best thing to spending the night with somebody and staying up forever. the next NEXT best thing is having a really good conversation with someone online late at night, but those are harder to actually accomplish. anyway.
i love late night phone calls. thank you, becca, i had not had one in a long long long time. and though this sounds entirely selfish, i'm so glad that i could be around at all for you to call, and i wish that you would do it any time you needed someone. i feel soooooo connected to you in this moment, and i feel guilty for being happy about having such a heavy conversation. i want to go have coffee with you and sit in trees and jump in fountains and smell the flowers and talk for hours. you're my honest hero (honestly) and pretty please... marry me? i want to be around when youre just practicing your songs, and i want to giggle with you all night long, and i just want to see you some time soon.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

katherine is back in town!! for her, my plans for a sonic poetry night with just elise and brock were nullified. katherine and her dad came to pick me up around 4 and dropped us off at otherlands, where brock and elizabeth were waiting. elise arrived moments later. it was a pretty nice, lazy afternoon. we hung out at otherlands, and when we(i) got restless, went to java. i got restless there, too, and suggested we leave. that turned out to be a bad idea, because elise just took me home. ah well. such is the life of a 16-year-old with no car/license/permit. the outing was nice while it lasted, but i think i spent longer anticipating it. i loved getting to see katherine again, too. i liked getting to sorta work on brock's movie. i'm glad i got to see elise, because i haven't seen her a lot lately. and i haven't seen elizbaeth in forever, either. so it should've put me in a better mood, i guess. i don't know why i get restless... i feel like if we stay in one place long enough it's hard to keep up a conversation or something. but for some reason, a lot of the time when i'm out with a bunch of people, i feel like i end up listening to them say things i've heard over and over, and i want to have fresh conversations that have never happened. (i'm really impatient today in general, though. what the hell is up?! fucking pms.) and nights/afternoons/outings like this always leave me kind of unsatisfied. actually, it's kind of rare that i feel really GOOD when i get home, because i just hate coming back home and having to say goodbye that much. oh well. bad habit. gotta kick that.

listening to: the frumpies - we don't wanna go home

Thursday, July 10, 2003

i love brock. who else could whisk away my troubles and tell me he loves me in french? le sigh. in his 40 minutes, i had a good day. thank you, monsieur. who would i be without you?

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

i'm in an uber-weird mood. i hung out with elise, zoë, and laylee yesterday, and i had lots of fun. laylee spent the night, and we stayed up till like 6:30. it was great, i love her. mom woke us up at 1 and we watched happenstance, which was really good. now i just feel really really really really really weird. i don't know. my mom wants me to start seeing a therapist, and everything is weird. the only thing i can think to do is go take a shower. so.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

You're The Road Not Taken!
You are The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.

You're an individual, though you may not think of
yourself that way. You make your own decisions,
usually after much thought, and maybe you
regret a few. But in the end, you know it's
those decisions that define you.

Which poem are you?
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