i seem to have lost any fluency i once had in human conversation.
also, words in general.
it's just a COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN. it's always the same.
the girl from my film project mediated a q+a conversation between me and the boy i dreamt was my friend. i was floundering, so frustrated with her impudence, killing.
where do i keep going? the weekends feel like the polar opposite of the weekdays, and that's how it's been all along. except that the weekends aren't really good anymore.
i can't think of anyone i want to talk to right now, but i'm desperate for something. i'm terrified of where my existing relationships are headed and incapable of forming new ones that could be as important and beautiful.
just spilled water all over myself. only 10 minutes ago i was cleaning up the wine i spilled when i tripped on the stairs. not even tipsy.
i'm not present here anymore, but then again, i'm not sure i ever was. but then again, i'm not sure i've ever been. i'm starting to become terrified of going home.
am i even human? how can you be sure?
these lines near killed me today:
when i saw the blossoms broke after the rain
limp and sodden, when you wrote me again
made me think of spiders i washed down the drain
spiders' ghosts, thrown up and back again
blessing all the birds that died so i could live
be a woman
be a woman
all i can do is do.
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