Monday, December 31, 2018


you ask someone's opinion before you have let yourself think about your own opinion. YES YOU HAVE ONE. sometimes, sure, you don't actually know until someone says what they think, and then you realize, oh my feeling is THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT. but maybe sometimes you are just being lazy!!! or asking is automatic aka yr doing it because of codependent tendencies.

STOP with the reactionary weirdness!

THINK before yr asking someone else what they want. you fuckin do it all the time. sometimes it's because your recall is bad -- like, "where do you want to go out to eat?" because you can't remember anywhere you've ever been.

AND NOW you are procrastinating bc you've gotta get htis shit done and you don't wanna! self sabotage! ahhhhhhh! stop!!!!

Friday, December 21, 2018


need to get better at winding down at night. when i stay stimulated i don’t get tired. gotta get away from screens at night! (now a sound has spooked me and i feel ridiculous. help. will i ever sleep ?? )
got wayyyyy too excited over a kind of small thing tonight. i think it really satisfied my adhd brain. adderall brain??? i’ve been in tons of crazy internet research wormholes all year and i was just talking to kat about how hard it is to pull myself away out of the wormhole and away from the screen because there’s always MORE and there’s no clear end and there’s nothing that satiates my brain’s need for stimulation. where’s the reward?? so i’m lucky enough that alice is paying me to do some research (although i’m sure i’m doing more of it than she originally intended) (and for some reason i get panicky about this job when i’m not doing it but as soon as i am it feels really good and natural etc) so i’ve been looking at a bunch of financial and marketing crap i don’t understand on and off for the last few months. a lot of that time has been researching an automatic payment or direct deposit system for the teachers, who are independent contractors with tutti studio. and tonight after literally like 3 hours of more research on this same topic, i finally found a reasonable, simple, cheap solution. (i mean i think i did. we need to test it out.) but it felt so GRATIFYING and i was physically giddy and eeeeeee and wow i had been exhausted and ready to quit just moments before, and then i had a burst of energy that lasted.... well that was almost two hours ago now. but tomorrow is another big big day and i can’t lose steam now! so! gotta sleep. gotta try at least. eereeeeeer help.

Monday, December 10, 2018

imagining myself upstairs, typewriter click clacking, glue licking. can we follow the aesthetic of 2017 clown "Grimoira" style of floral print, rich reds + purples, piles of books, LAMPS?
(how important is a color scheme, really? in my imagining it's often very clear, such a MOOD, such a way to shift into a new reality. new realm? is it mre about the style or the space? schedule? is it back to one notebook lifestyle or would it help to have a planner? def need WALL CALENDAR and visual lists.
sun and lamp light. an unnecessary amount of fabric. (does a studio have art on the walls or is that just distracting? what is good enough to look at all the time? a bedroom certainly can have full walls -- posters, postcards, drawings, lovely things. a collection that feels like myself, not holding onto something for someone. not an ARCHIVE but an expression. but i suppose too the lists have to go somewhere. living space or work space? CAN THERE ALWAYS BE PAPER? Can i start to actually use it?)
Opened the box of the Numinous tarot, seven of candles (wands) comes flying out -- the card i drew for the new year (unknowingly kinda) on Samhain (but of course i did -- also need to call on the High Priestess / The Diviner more often to trust, to follow my intuition and let my body go first. Mind will catch up. Move my hands to move the cards. Find it with a feeling. /// Looking for a feeling! The body knows some things the mind doesn't!! /// I'm now wishing for space to MOVE, dance, sing, play. Wishing for knowledge + skill to teach Pochinko play. (Could I really go to the clown farm?!) Making this year about -- courage, expression, light, opening, creation, strength in self, support in community, FIRE. resistance. power. commitment! positivity?! SUCCESS?!?!
also, drink less.

[look how even the pencil breaks, refuses to work, doesn't even cooperate to erase. the words must stay. of course the only pen I find is PURPLE of course. thank the gods of course of course]

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

things yr gonna do

  • start a workshop series
  • host movie night
  • host writing group
  • host salons
  • host art hours
  • make an installation show
  • write a script
  • make a zine
  • publish an essay
  • release an album
  • tour a show
  • write a biography
  • Thursday, November 15, 2018

    let me be a better sister
    let me not in my sickness linger
    let me carve paths through the suffer
    let me see
    where i dropped me
    and pick back up my sister

    Thursday, November 08, 2018

    if we can't now then how

    when you break the thing you were trying to carry.
    your fingers aren’t fast enough to clear up thinking flurries.
    your words are the turds that you scrape from your belly.
    you silenced the sole sound that wanted to be many

    look and say look and know
    it’s so hard to write within this flow
    (every word corrected into a typo
    every gorgeous creature stifled into camo)

    this isn’t the way this isn’t the time
    let yr own hand say this line
    let yr own mind be its own scribe
    consider how the pen will choose the usefulness of mime

    stop this nonsense
    i’m sorry for my shit
    i’m sorry for my selfishness and ache and spin and spit
    i haven’t found a way to speak this stuff i’m carrying all the time
    it should and jives and jerks and buckles and flails behind a rhyme

    Wednesday, October 31, 2018

    tarot for the week (never mind it’s for the year)

    seven of candles / wands

    i have been really ducking lazy and even tho this week was supposed to end that and get back into GET SHIT DONE mode, i have not done a very good job at that. lots of playing games on my phone. lots of lazing around in bed all day, staying up late drinking. lots of sex. (obviously it’s not all bad!)
    so today i ask the cards what medicine i need for the rest of this week to get back into high gear. here i receive SEVEN OF WANDS (candles in the numinous deck) which screams fierce, courageous, knowing and holding my own power. fucking GOALS let’s get right.

    i keep telling myself i don’t have time or i’m not ready to start looking at those art life help books but i’m just making excuses. i need to get some advice from those books and also find a better visual way to keep track of my goals. THIS FEELS SO REDUNDANT. i’m tired of falling into the same loops. i’m tired of having to teach myself the same lessons. i’m tired of screens.

    also there really is so much to do in the short term future that it’s hard to imagine making time for this stuff, but actually i think it’s integral to making the right choices about what’s next. i need to be looking for s place to live and figuring out more steady income, plus defining and strengthening my relationship with jerel, which also means helping them get to california and then back here with their car. so in thinking about that trip, having my own place, making more green beans, i need to be placing myself in a strong central position, not trying to accommodate for everyone and everything else before meeting my own needs. this means making time and space for art projects goddammit. this has to be #1 priority for the new year! new home, new partner, new life, new me.

    last year i attempted to put my healing first, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t but i think i’ve made a little progress. this year i’ll prioritize art projects (personal and collaborative) and productive relationships. building a nest that supports my mental health and my work. finding gigs that will let me feel more stable while also maintaining my independence. seeking funding for art projects. finding new ways to clown. making plans for the longer term instead of living only in seasons. holding space and being a safety net for my partner in a way that supports their growth and independence. fucking commit to writing. commit to creating sacred spaces and communing with spirits. commit to magic practice as well as art practice on the damn daily. routine can be ritual!! these are not bad words!!! writing, singing, playing.

    (also while writing this i kept thinking of january as technically the new year and even tho that’s far away being like well whatever but i just remembered today is SAMHAIN which is witches new year, duh!! okay i’m already on the right track. i like this card for this year. gonna GET IT!)

    SO THIS WEEK to get on track, i need to freaking organize my to do list and start knocking shit off. i should try using that app again, i was having a lot of success with that. at least it’s a good idea till i come up with something better. (jerel seemed to have some ideas a while back, when they saw how frazzled i felt half the time. ask them again?) remember that getting the bullshit over-with means more time for the goods.

    to do lists
    organize for alice meeting
    pay therapist
    prepare for paris
    go to sleep early

    Tuesday, October 16, 2018

    i accidentally killed the game

    I tripped up on the crime of rhyme
    It kills + kills me every time

    if sweetly beasties come to holler
    so silky sip them make you smaller
    till ghoulies guide you to their pockets
    and slip you fit you in their lockets

    keyculator collab with jerel

    NEVER THINK AGAIN. never think again.
    this is the idea but this isn't the way to say it. this isn't the idea and this isn't the way to say it. stop thinking about yourself. stop wondering stop wasking waking asking basking stop stewing in the brewing.
    never do the not thing. never be a nothing. never be your own thing. never dance without sing.

    and ten kiss and kiss and kiss and never not. the lips that time forgot. and stop without the thought.


    you can't know if you didn't try
    so shove it up yr whiny eye

    i'll never try until i die
    don't make me use this ugly guy

    you couldn't scale but half the sky
    so set yr pancake on some pie

    won't you hear my plaintive cry
    upon this pie i'm screaming "why?!"

    you wish you did, you wish you don't
    know whether you blew crumbs of hope
    there's nothing you forgot to bother
    spilled the piss across the altar

    from my thoughts my fingers pry
    a sentence structure oh so sly
    so i give a heaving sigh
    and rest this back upon your thigh

    alas you've changed the rhyming scheme
    puncturing my clung-to dreams
    i'll meet you hither, thither, there
    give this process greater care

    a sickened sail, a drunken drum
    so suck the scum right from yr thumb

    a broken trail, a path availed
    a drunken maw what burps and hums
    sits in sorrow; blackened lungs
    an unset sail has never failed

    you already told me you busted the game
    what would you like to do now
    the only thing i trusted was pain
    i'd like to do better but how

    you broke your foot you rolled the bone
    there's nowhere left once you've gone home

    you stick the stuck you plunked the plank
    the ceiling's nothing what's not sank

    ` to drip a drop, to think a thought
    i carry all i've not forgot

    Sunday, October 14, 2018

    florida party dream

    rachel smith's birthday party at her house. it's a lot of people, feels like a lot of people more mature than our crew. then again are any of the other nola folks here or is it just transplants from my memphis group that i'm finding here?
    dexter, rachel's son i've never met, probably 4 or 5 here although he's gotta be almost 10 by now, removes his pants and underwear and runs away from me giggling. i think it's pretty funny too but the adults are generally aghast that i haven't been able to keep him under control. so now i'm chasing him around with the pants in my hand, trying to coax him to put them back on and feeling generally incompetent.

    somehow i end up in the bed in my pajamas? was it a sleepover? the room doesn't really feel like rachel's room although i guess it's supposed to be. the mattress is on the floor along the back wall, and i can see out to the backyard through the windows when i turn around. everybody is out there having a good time, partying, pool splashin. i realize i'm wearing my pajamas (blue firefly shirt) so i look for my bag to put on some real clothes and join the festivities. all i can find is some real dumb shorts i don't like and my floral crop top i've only worn once. i don't want to put it on. do i? or maybe i just go out there in my pajamas and people judge me okay so what. or maybe i'm just distracted by talking to people out there and i forget that's the problem. lots of pals here, lauren dunn, kat, brett, morgan, hunter daniel?? definitely others but i can't remember specifics. i think mallory is here too.
    at some point i remember that rachel recently broke up with another boyfriend who was a narcissistic addict, another mean drunk. i want to find a time to commiserate with her about that, but i don't know when i'll be able to, with all these people around. i've barely spoken to her.
    i need to get in the pool with everybody else, go back to digging through my bag looking for my swimsuit. it's not there, i probably didn't even pack it, but i'm poking around through piles of stuff on the floor and the desk and now that i think about it, it kind of has the quality of one of the video games i played with jerel this week-- moving through the actions of searching in order to go to the next scene. i'm also exhausted somehow. (by now i've been snoozing my alarm clock and/or getting woken up by dogs and then falling back asleep. in real life i know i need to get up because it's getting really late but i guess i'm pretty tired and there's also this sense of things i need to finish in the dreamworld.)
    so in the dream i fall asleep on the bed again. are there dreams within the dream? there must be.
    i remember i'm standing over a desk looking through some papers and i see an infographic about making art and suggestions for process. one header says something like "THE TALISMAN" but maybe not that, it has a picture of a pink clock. it's talking about the important of the initial inspiring words - but actually it seems to be about more than words - it's about the moment that you receive inspiration for a project, or the moment that something clicks, and having a physical object or image that recalls that moment. keep it with you or keep it in your work space to hold onto the source of the feeling. of course this is sounding very obvious typing it down, but it felt very useful in the dream. especially since i don't have a damn process and it's so hard to say "artist" and i didn't learn any of these tricks.
    at some point rachel is standing over me on teh bed, maybe this is even a nightmare within the dream because she's distant and seems irritated with me, but rightly so considering that i'm sleeping through her birthday party. her green eyes are piercing, so vivid, her hair is currently dyed a deep auburn and her hair is long and wavy at her shoulders. she looks otherwise just the same, same rachel i loved so long ago. i guess everything is pretty fuzzy but her eyes and hair are nothing but clear, in the sharpest focus. i remember i remember.
    my body is so exhausted but i have to get up. i look out and i think hunter daniel is gonna play some drums or someone is performing music in front of the pool. it's getting a little darker out now. maybe i fell asleep again. i look up and people are singing karaoke. i can't miss this! I've gotta sing!!! finally i drag myself up, now it's as if the wall has melted away and people can talk to me in the bed from the yard, i can enter and exit this way. brett sees me sit up and calls, "alanna i need your help judging this karaoke contest! come over here!" although obviously i've missed all the performances so it makes no sense for me to judge, which i think i realize. i dip down again, exhausted, and when i sit back up, brett is awarding morgan and two other friends (rex?? kat? i don't remember but they're good buds) who are dressed up as makeshift crystal gems with rainbow fabric skirts and sashes. felt or construction paper hair. they're overjoyed to be winning and i can't believe i'm missing this. how does it keep happening?
    as i'm walking out, morgan is coming in, she says that so and so loaned her this bathing suit and she's done with the pool (at some point before, brett has said "Everyone's done with the pool" ???) and i can wear this loaner suit. it's hideous, tan masquerading as gold, and maybe with sequins. it's actually familiar, i think i've worn it last time i was here (but i never could have been here) and i hesitate because of how it looks (so vain in this dream!) but put it on anyway. finally i walk to get in the pool but find it mostly full, and although it turns out there's a second pool (duh) a few feet away from teh first one, no one is know is here. i am trying to participate but seeing my friends all having fun just beyond reach. i try to make small talk with these new people but i feel awkward and stiff. standing in the corner of the pool facing the other pool - see a little tiny brown spider (but a kind of electric blue outline?) skip across teh water into our circle, very fast. we all overreact, and try to splash it away from us. it lands a few feet away, on top of what i quickly realize is another spider just like this one-- only it's 10 times as big. monstrous!! i look around the pool and it dawns on me that there are critters everywhere. little squat brown toads that could've been rocks, sitting neatly on top of the water. wait that oen's not on the water, it's on top of a fucking tiny ALLIGATOR. well, it's florida after all! and i guess we are partying in the swamp!

    ((this seems like a good image to hang onto for space submarine commander, although saying it out loud to jerel, they said bog witch. good point. and funny that the dream told me to find the image to hang onto-- i think that's probably accurate for both SSC and bog witch. i fucking wish i had a fucking WORK SPACE where i could hang some images on the wall and have a place to freakin think and dream and work. help.))

    Thursday, October 04, 2018

    inarticulate after the argument (and probably during too)

    def plan on chain smoking
    join if you'd like
    this fucking SUCKS

    a cigarette first one after a long while never tastes good like i think it should. it just tastes like ashes. i know this. i know this. what do i do. it is the most self sabotage. is it subconsciously because of the doctor appointment today and worry about my cervix and the lesions there and the cancer fear

    Thursday, September 13, 2018

    why oh why

    why is my heart pounding and why can't i finish my breakfast and why can't i keep my toes from curling and why has my cunt gone fiery ? how am i supposed to get anything done ?!

    Wednesday, August 01, 2018

    i have all this big glorious thoughts about reminding people about magic
    but all of my actual ideas feel grotesque or at least dark


    and it’s full of revelations

    firstly being how right kat’s dance teacher is that if you want to write you have to first move. i switched up my body and my mind woke up. so full so sure.

    it’s not that “everything happens for a reason.”
    it’s that everything means something. (does it? me who loves nonsense, do i really believe that?) or maybe it’s more like nothing happens in a vacuum. everything is attached to something. but maybe everything does have meaning and if it seems like nonsense it’s because the riddle isn’t unscrambled yet? after all, we’re just the conduits.

    driving along and thinking about the past, my past self. my happy list - the joy in simple things. picnics and mud and swings and dancing. just friends. those are all the real things. when did it get so bogged down? and when did i decide that my depression has always been eating me alive?? i mean it has but it’s not like i never enjoyed anything. i felt miserable in a cruel world that made me hate myself and makes people have to do horrible things to keep up with it. i was never actually the problem. i had so much passion and energy and i knew what was important!!! i’ve got to get that back.

    and that was another revelation - all along six of cups. for months six of cups - good memories, childhood, family, roots, growth. i have to remember how to play. i have to get some of that child essence back. to be good and do good and CLOWN and remember how to be happy.


    i’ve been staring at it all along and i never really saw it. i’ve been saying yes yes i know and thinking it has to do with being home but now i see it’s about something i’m missing, or don’t have enough of, something essential. REMEMBERING TO PLAY. remembering to move. appreciating sensual experiences. i see now how i have to kill some of the adult learned bullshit to get back to a place where i felt better being a blank slate. (i’ve looked for that feeling so many places. sex, masochism, drinking, fire, internet, candy crush, dancing. playingggg and moving without myself is the best one. yeah?!)

    i have to say thank you to the clown gods for being patient with me on this one. i’m sorry i had to ask so many times. i need to find a better way to process these tarot readings. through dance, maybe??? today i had the urge to get off after the reading, to be open and explode pleasure in the presence of the cards. i thought that would give them energy. obviously they don’t need it! i’m the one who needs the movement, the rhythm, the process!!!! to take it into my mind it has to come through my body. or vice versa.

    is it a gift that the clown gods, the earth messengers, others, out there, are communicating with me? i guess they must talk to everyone like this, but not everyone listens (or knows how to). not trying to talk like i’m some great listener!! obviously i missed the six of cups message for months. (why haven’t they given up on me??) but i want to learn and i want to do better. better, bigger, harder, brighter magic. i want to make it good enough. i hope they’ll keep helping me understand how.

    also side note i really need to get “brett” or whatever skeptical voice out of my head so that my thoughts stop getting distracted. ugh. at this point, how can i even doubt????

    moments of clarity

    brighter, harder, bigger MAGIC

    feeling it today, feeling good. remembering that i don't need to swing wildly from the extremes of "i'm the worst" to "i'm so special and good" and actually there's this nice safe place in the middle. i'm not better than other people. i think everyone has the capacity to tap into magic, to pull down the moon, breathe fire. maybe i have some different channels open than other people do, but that doesn't make me better or special. i don't need to be huge, or be a star, or change the whole damn world, if i can change who's in the room, speak truths, bring in the small magic.

    follow the fool
    follow the impulse
    the body knows something the mind doesn't

    that would be an awesome queer dance party, lets make that happen. where??

    i hear the right songs and i CAN'T NOT MOVE. i know what they are. cultivate htem and put them together. let's have a fucking dance party already. i can take it to the woods. i can take it anywhere.
    i can take the clown to the woods without the nose, the hat, the covered body. i can clown wherever i need to, with anything. haven't i always??? when did i get hung up on accoutrements?!!? yes i want to keep learning and growing, yes i've got to evolve it all. but when did i ever want to do only one thing? can't i be clowning and dancing and following no rules? except the main one - give up give up give up. give up your thoughts and give your body over and let the gods move through you. stop thinking stop thinking stop wishing stop wanting. this is all there is, now.

    yes okay fine the question of the audience, but right now they're not here. it's just me in my room. and sometimes i IMAGINE they're there, and that trips me up, traps me. i can't let them come in. it's dancing more than anything else because i fear the predatory eyes and the judgment and they think they own my body. i want to say, when i feel that gaze, my whole body will revolt, contort, i will become bug and beast. never for you never for you never for you.

    take it through. if they want to come to your world, they can be an audience and we'll talk together. if they want to ride the wave and the rhythm of this mess, we can make it work together. they don't just get to come here and make demands.

    keep the mind open keep the body moving
    find new eyes find new power
    yes yes yes yes feel that fire !!!!

    can we always be dancing?? can we warm up wake up dancing every day? how can we try?
    (we need a floor first, oh yeah)

    stop thinking

    listen i'm not even drinking
    listen i'm stone cold sober
    (unless you count adderall, 9 hours before)
    i'd like to keep talking but i need to go take care of the dogs and then pack and then blah

    maybe there is a lesson here about HOW I AM FUCKING OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING LIFE and it shouldn't take this long or this much stress to pack. i'm going to the woods, but what do i really need?? a toothbrush and some clothes and a flashlight. why do i think i need more?

    please alanna please stop being so sucked in by the computer. you think you need to know stuff that you don't need to know. most of what you are doing is actually hoarding. much of the time you are just following a line of tabs that never get read or watched and just pile up and pile up. REMEMBER WHEN you didn't miss that???? remember the communes in 2015 and remember the freedom of being phoneless in the loony bin???? you can't know everything and it stops mattering. the focus shifts. you've got to get to that. you've got to get to your body and intuition and the computer is neither of those things. you've got to stop. you're going to stop right now and you're going to stop writing and turn off the computer and go do the htings you have to do. you're going to cleanse your body and spirit in the woods, in the mud, in the river. when you come home, you're going to organize your fucking room and set up a fucking work space. you're going to make some fucking art. you're going to write. you're going to get one of those copyediting jobs and bring in some green beans. things are on the move and they're going to happen but we have to make them happen.


    okay here we go

    Friday, July 27, 2018

    lost on the ride

    i haven't been writing. that's no good. i think this adderall helps my brain to not be a pinball machine but instead i am constantly hyperfocusing (??) i don't know if that' sthe right word to use for what is happening. i'm forgetting that i put a string around my finger. i maybe lost hte string before it even got to my finger. oof. i'm getting lost in the internet ALL THE TIME. this week i made a bunch of internet IMPULSE BUYS which is a new thing that i've never really done and it was a little too easy. i'm trying to do some research, or what i am doing turns into research, but i am just amassing a bunch of links and articles that i have not read. it's all stuff that's very exciting to me, about clown and performance and activist art, but the deeper i go, the more overwhelmed i am. first of all, by the amount of information i've already gathered that i haven't touched, and second, by the sheer amount of people in this work. is this kinda why i fell off the train last year? when i realized there are thousands of clown troupes roving around the world, living my dream??
    BUT REMEMBER - if them, why not me? don't forget that xmas revelation!!! that was a big one. if people are doing it, why can't i be one of them?? because i'm afraid of not being as good as them OR of not being original enough. it seemed like a better idea before i realized there were thousands of theatre clowns. BUT ALSO REMEMBER - as we learned from our trip to dell'arte, much of what these clowns are doing is not exciting to me. they're doing a different thing, they're on their own journey. that's why i keep coming back to POCHINKO and the CLOWN FARM and canada and i know i have to go there. i have to write to john, said donna. i have to call donna back. why am i avoiding these things???????? fear of failure, probably. goddamn that one.

    i just got lost on a goodreads trail for like 30 or more minutes. what hte fuck. i didn't want to and i don't want to. i have nO SELF CONTORL!!!!!!

    Tuesday, July 03, 2018

    damn dumb

    i've opened a beer but i'm out of lives on candy crush and also on two dots and that means i have to find something new to look at on the phone or try to be in my body in 20 minutes or however long it actually takes to drink a beer - does anyone know?
    i'm sick with shuffle playing love songs. i want the passion but not the subject.
    i tell myself it's okay, today is so and so, this isnt time to quit or even abstain. as if the day exists. what a fiction ! does adderall make my memory worse? could it get any worse?
    (maybe i didn't know before... i'm not good at remembering the specifics but i can feel changes - or maybe i was always doing these physical things but my brain was pinballing so fast i didn't take the time to observe the physical stuff except every now and then? (oh wait your toes have been crunched up for maybe 30 minutes and it doesn't feel so great.))

    Saturday, June 23, 2018

    run with the wolves and make art

    respond !

    be wild

    be stupid

    if you're thinking too much you're not able to be creative

    don't use fear to avoid the river

    work EVERY DAY no matter what

    notebooks. pens. pockets.

    get the fuck off the internet

    Wednesday, June 13, 2018

    fucking today why

    saw on the calendar that today is the new moon. it's june. which means that today is the one year anniversary of chris cheating on me (to my knowledge) and also leaving me. no wonder i have felt like hell all day. and now my heart is racing and my mind is fuzzy and all the other stupid shit that happens when i get triggered. my throat closing. my eyes blurring. the whole deal. i just want to lie down but i have so much to do. i guess it's better to stay busy than to wallow.

    also my cat has been gone since before the storm last night and i'm very worried.
    why in the fuck do i think i can be everywhere at once
    why can't i pay attention when people are supposed to listen to me
    why can't i pay attention when i'm supposed to hear anyone

    what the fuck is wrong with you.
    why do you sound miserable and whiny all the time.
    no one wants to be friends with a depressive or someone who is constantly complaining. this is not news.
    you look back at the night, the day, the week, the month, and you remember conversations but not where you were. like your mouth just opens and the shit flies out without you intending it to.
    maybe medication can fix this.
    how the fuck do you fix this? being unintentionally negative whiny complaining. being never in your mind or body. being automatic fool forever. how the fuck do you fix something so far gone

    Tuesday, June 05, 2018

    to try to write a line

    i've made a home out of my chair
    a cave in my room
    it's not as if i don't care
    it's just i can't move

    i get mixed up
    i feel fucked up

    i put the pressure on it. i thought maybe if i got to this place after two beers and some smokes and a bug collaprsing on my shoulder and a possum in the bush and the smoke in my eyes and the bugs dancing around the light i thought i could set the mood and the keyculator would work its magic. it doesn't hmake the magic. the smoke blows back into my nose and eyes while i type and it's not very fun. this is not a glamorous life. why does this bug want to keep dying on my shoulder? flailig on the pavement, then my shoulder, and repeat.
    i'm astounded by the things i don't notice. i think of myself as an astute person but i'm barely awake and living. there's so much in my head i can't stand. i've made my own undoing.

    the day is new and fresh with life
    i've seen all my mistakes
    there's no reason to return to strife
    now that i know the stakes

    at the end of the tunnnel
    at the other side
    if i can get through this
    if i can keep a ride
    there's nothing at the bottom
    there's nothing at the top
    there's nowhere like a button
    to keep you in your lock
    they'll try to blame you
    they'll try to tame you
    they'll try to change you
    they'll try to frame you
    you were there in the chair. you were there and you were thinking. you were thinking you were sitting you were waiting you were wanting. you wanted everything. you saw everything. the visions came and stayed. you wanted it all. and you wanted it all at once, right now, here, instant, evolution, propulsion. you were sitting and thinking and it wasn't ever going to be good enough. you had plans but you couldn't figure them into action at the same time. you had dreams but you surrendered to memes. your body sinks and shrivels into a familiar cushion dent. you know you came but you haven't went. your hand finds its familiar place picking at your head. your hand moves to your mouth and your fingers taste like lead. the crashing in the bushes creates rushes down yr spine. you tell yrself it's nothing but yr afraid at the same time. when all you want's a possum but the humans run yr mind. please be. please don't be. please be. please don't be.
    i think the trick is not to look.
    i think the trick is cricked crook.
    i think i want a fishing hook.
    yes yes it's true hte words come fast
    when yr eyes arent on full blast
    the light's deceptive, bright, and cruel
    sending yr brain straight back to school
    and what a hell and what a mess and do your best and get recess
    and yes plese keep on that new dress
    and wonder why yr hair's a mess
    lady lady lady lady lady
    wherefore art thou
    lady lady lady lady lady
    screaming as a cow
    the sow without the baby
    the screaming of a lady
    the sow whose stolen baby
    flown off to run rain yr meat

    don't let yrself think about it
    just keep going
    yr in the drinking
    yr into thinking
    there's bugs that's flying
    and bodies sighing
    yr own is wanting
    you feel it haunting
    yr tongue is heavy
    yr fingers steady

    best of all i love that darling maiden
    who is standing at my bed feet
    best of all you laid the bed you made in
    and curled up yr own bed sheets
    you wish you never thought again
    you wish you thought it all
    you wish you couldve again began
    beofre this same damn fall
    now the lights have run past their scene
    and scattered the critters gone
    and even if it means it's time for me to leave
    i'll be damn sure those lights turn off
    come back my friend the possum babe
    come back my friend raccoon
    come back my friend the little junebug
    come see if we see the moon

    finally the lights are gone
    andf finally w're free
    and finally my mouth is open
    for finally my words can sing

    now here a different problem.
    the woreds in the air and myh hands move along them
    the clouds in the skhy and the beer in the cup
    no one ever concined yyou about growing up
    it all semed a plot and a ploy to fall in
    why not canter, why not banter, why not never fal in
    i'm still not convinced they've got more in their cup
    when they're winsome, when they lose some, when the grown ups grow up

    as if i can keep cracking my neck to make thw ords come
    as if i can keep asking the mirror make me handsome
    my pants could light a fire but never if i got some
    imagine if i wasn't the loose change that makes you choose one
    what a bitch what a bitch to epxect others to seelect
    what abitch to expect others will select
    what a bitch to insist that someone edit
    what a bitch in our midst ther's no closer you can get
    alright ibreahte you
    alright i hear you
    alright alright
    there's no going over

    ifthe truth is that everyone is borede with you
    how are you going to wake up
    if the truth is that you have nothing to say
    how can you
    how can you
    be better
    be better

    i've made a home out of my chair
    a cave in my room
    i've cradled something i can't bare
    i've shoulderered too soon
    i've gone off the goose
    but you know there's no pan

    and in the screams of the night
    how can i make it right
    my hands clack along
    i cant write a song
    i cant find a way up
    i cant find a way out
    my fingers crack and coil
    my mind shuts a shout
    there's nothing i can hear
    there's nothing i left out
    if i could only stand up
    i'd know what i'm about

    if i can' tbegin
    if i can't begin
    if i can't begin

    some days i dream i have it all
    some nights i dream i never fall
    some skies i scream to build a wall
    some times i know i scribble scrawl
    some things i know i can't recall

    i had teh memory ocnce but it's gone
    i had the mission once but oh god
    wishing i was just living now
    stood up once but then i sat down

    listen i saw it
    lithe light i saw it
    listen i remember a thing no one taught
    listen i learned a new thing i forgot
    if i can see it i can be it
    if i can know it i can go tehre
    if you can see me that could be me
    if you believe me i can be me
    keep kissing keep kissing all the hard joints
    keep missing keep missing all the true points
    i've seen the light and i want that bright
    i want that shine and i'll make it mine
    it's easy now that i've tried a line
    this greasy cow and its medicine
    just give it hope and i'll give its shine
    the ducks apluss with turpentine
    you well remember tasting old wine
    you wish you weren't so serpntine

    how how how
    if only if only if only
    a click to say the longest feels
    a clack to replace healthy meals

    Wednesday, May 30, 2018

    i don't feel like i'm living. i can't remember when i last did. i feel like life is just a thing that is happening to me and sometimes it feels like i can't keep up with it, and sometimes i wish it would catch up with me. my brain has been so frazzle scattered i don't know what i'm doing or what i've done. i feel like that is a main part of the problem - i am so unfocused i can't be where i am. i can't do what i'm doing. sometimes the only things i can focus on are the things that make me feel least myself, or least alive -- what the fuck is that about?? why is it easy to focus on a fantasy novel, or candy crush saga, or television, but if i'm actively doing something, the whole world scatters apart and nothing will line up in my mind and i feel insane doing anything. i can't even focus on my own feelings enough to be in them....?! like i didn't want to go to rehearsal and i was feeling awful about the play but when i got there i just turned on goober mode and acted silly but we didn't get anything done and i didn't act like i cared about it at all. what the fuck is wrong with me.

    i guess saying things like that isn't going to help. i'm just so tired.

    Monday, May 28, 2018

    after the flower moon party, on judy's porch

    i find that i literally don't have the words taht i need.
    this is nothing new. i've said it 10000 times. that's part of et problem. i say it for so many situations. it is true but the nuances are hard to me to define.
    right now. i want to sincerely say oh i hope you're having a good time and that's why you might not want ot talk to me but everything i try to say think of saying comes out passive aggressively in my mind, in my type. how can i be kind? can i never be graceful?
    maybe i should go and work on a letter instead of waiting for a call.

    other thoughts.

    i came out onto the porch to find myself in the window of the full flower moon. she's behind a tree now, i can see the peeking but before, my timing was bperfect. we were aligned. i could feel her looking at me. (yes i'm that selfish.)

    i have the impulse to clamber up stairs with all four limbs and i do it as often as possible - in homes only - usualy alone and unseen. so no, not as often as possible. my exaggeration makes me a constant liar.
    it is the closeness of the floor and the fully body movement and
    better than when i run up on only two feet, the too quick pitpat of bouncing hair and breasts.
    clambering they swing, as they should, if they must exist at all.
    then comes the part where i try to define my feelings about my breasts and find it imposssible because of the shifting shifting thougthts and how hard it is to think about them at all sometimes that there is no way to make a true statement. sometimes i remember that women name their own, that their connection to them is more than inconvenient sacks, and it shocks me into the remembrance that my dysphoria exists, is real, runs deep, despite how i push it to always away.

    i try calling again. i'll give it two. three. four rings. i hang up and feel like a fool. why does this power have to play? why can't i feel rooted and honest in the way i feel in so many of my other close friendships? what sets this apart? what teh fuck is wrong with me?

    for some reason i'm smoking and drinking. for some reason i can't quite remember.

    Sunday, May 20, 2018

    looking at these tiny ass photos on my phone and trying to choose which one has the best light and the best composition and the best arc of the foot i am grumpy that i'm staring at this screen and not 8x10s hanging from clothespins in a dark room - why did i have to be now - why are my retinas burning and corneas damaged from staring always at these screens
    why am i always saying the same thing
    somebody make me write a sonnet
    how many chances can i get to say it

    Monday, May 14, 2018

    patterns - when i look at what i shouldn't

    my skin gets cold
    my vision blurs
    my heart jumps
    i feel fuzzy
    i feel dizzy
    i feel broken up
    i feel useless/worthless/pathetic
    i feel angry
    i feel unsteady
    my whole body tenses
    time stops
    i can't focus
    my eyes dance around - i can't focus
    i feel hell
    i hate myself for looking
    i get intrusive visuals of them fucking
    i feel like the world is closing in
    when i see his eyes i feel trapped
    i become small
    i try to disappear

    rage rage rage
    i hate him so fucking much
    i just want to spit on his stupid face

    i fear the patterns i developed because of him, the ones i learned from him

    i want to change
    i want to be free
    i want it to be over
    i feel desperate
    i want revenge
    i want him to hurt
    i fear these feelings
    i fear what this has done to me

    Monday, May 07, 2018

    no one wants your words

    Sunday, May 06, 2018

    tiny fragments of a dream

    the little village of fairies(?) is slowly being possessed by bad fairies / demons. you can tell by their infinite cold eyes that they're gone. i've gotta stop them without them knowing that i know !

    earlier in the dream - bekka showing me their house and some kind of escape hatch out the garage door. i remember they asked for me suggestions for improvement (or something) and i said something really obvious that they already had or were working on and they laughed at me. it wasn't mean but i felt silly.

    Saturday, May 05, 2018

    why tho

    i came home after two beers with a headache and i didn't care, i had two more, for the first time in at least ten and two days and is that good? am i better? i've been so miserable mad pathetic i have nothing to give. i am thinking of being dead and what ease. maybe my dream was prophetic or maybe i should be proactive. i don't need this beer that i snuck for. i don't know why i need to sneak. i crave the game. (there are so many better games)

    how does everyone just make their stuff and do their things and it seems
    not easy
    but possible
    how is it that everything to me looks like anti itself
    how is it i am even still here

    goddammit if you go anywhere

    it takes so much strength in this state not to say it

    did i write it? i don't remember.
    when i came home after 2 beers after 0 for a week i felt
    yuck not sleepy but tired probably could sleep but why bother when i could have another
    prowled and pranced
    kissed dogs
    avoided questions so that old biddy wouldn't have to answer I HATED THE MOVIE I HATE THE COMPANY I HATE ALL THINGS
    wasn't it supposed to get better if i wasn't drinking ?
    wasn't it supposed to be booze that made my mind lo go ?
    i borrowed the beer and i don't know why
    i feel like all hell here by myself with: yes i did, there were two more beers, so four and i'm a wreck
    the impulse is
    tell yr wreck
    text someone
    let them know what hurt you or if it's late enough only how hurt
    i'm trying to not
    i'm trying to stop
    if i'm true
    how i have forced my sad feelings on everyone everyone everyone i know lately
    - i used to be so much better at hiding -
    i got it in my mind - it looked like - expressing would be better
    i thought i saw it
    i was jealous
    all these people sharing sharing sharing and
    there they go how
    even i've seen them
    so yeah okay so what's even real
    so i try to let myself feel that impulse
    and i'm just idiot speak a fool unhappy garbage tongues or beating down these closed doors or near nonverbal at the shore
    i hate it i hate it how i could kill it
    is it my turn

    im supposed to back off but its hard
    especially seeing f like this, yes hi, yes i drank it up
    why am i nicer now
    that wasn't the deal
    why is it i grow meaner every day and seems like more when i'm sober

    here is the feeling where i want to call them. this is probably also the thing that tomorrow i would say - why the fuck did i call them so late. how dumb. here is the thinking i will try to say.
    i'm trying to keep my distance but it's hard so hard. i thought about saying something. i thought about typing true words. then i remembered im doing distance but by then i've started to open the window so i think - might as well check. and look. there is your sweet little face, you've seen and you know and still you don't speak. FUCK how it KILLS. what the fuck have i done what the fuck can i do. how can i ever make anything okay. i think - just tell them quick, the true thing, or no that's too honest or hurting or boring, no so tell another line - but no i said i wouldn't. because yes that's all i have done for two+ weeks now and i haven't gotten anything back. the method fails. i have failed. again again again.
    and even still i think - if i can't have texts that work maybe i can just call and speak clear or even if not that my missed message will be a signal - the one saying i miss you and i want you around and i love you and -- pretty much the things i've tried to say with typed words on a regular basis.
    they are too much or they aren't anything.
    what a fucking fool.
    tonight i'm glad i didn't call. did i make myself understand myself?
    i'm always waking up and checking and oh fuxking gods why why why did i call at 4am what was i thinking what is wrong with me
    yes yes everything yes yes kill it
    i have the hardest time believing in t

    Friday, May 04, 2018

    death dream

    visited by a brief vivid vision of Death this am - so vivid it woke me up at 730am. i only remember the very end. i had expressed the fear to them, "brett thinks when you die there's just Nothing next." they seemed to smile even though they were cloaked and had no visible face. brett and i are lying side by side on the ground. there's no pain or anything. it's almost like it's just Time To Go. we're as ready as we can be. Death tells us it's time. i start feeling different almost instantly but it's gradual, not harsh. my vision is dimming but my body is filling with warmth. the feeling is of comfort. i start to smile but say "wait!" and reach for brett. he folds into me and we hold each other, grinning, dimming. Death peers over me, the inside of the cloak is still a darkness with no face, "does this feel like Nothing to you?" and we are letting go and it feels like fading out and tuning in at the same time. my mind is joining the infinite universe and i'm saying goodbye and hello. and then i wake up !

    Tuesday, May 01, 2018

    dream and doings

    well i did it again and took a melatonin too late so i'm having a damn hard time waking up and getting out of bed. so much for "fresh and bright" or whatever i said last night. so funny bc sometimes it feels like the melatonin doesn't do anything and other times it gives me crazy dreams and i'm groggy all morning. whaaaa. what's the perfect time to take it? midnight is too late for waking up before 10. (also i didn't actually go to bed till 2am woops)

    did have an interesting dream where i got to hang out with will toledo (aka car seat headrest) at the furry convention except that it felt like it was at a commune in the woods - not one i know. maybe mostly like twin oaks. i think i approached him first but somehow he recognized me from seeing a video of me online - sounds like it was a shakespeare parody actually. we wandered around together awkwardly, trying to figure out where i'd left my clothes so that we could get dressed up for karaoke night. we found brett and bosh stationed on a low roof next to some wide tall stairs leading into a building - in this spot on the roof they could get the attention of the folks entering the building - they were giving away tiny plastic figurines and they were serious about it. we couldn't get them excited about karaoke (not yet anyway) and they clearly weren't impressed that i had befriended will toledo. of course the dream ended before karaoke but i remember i was struggling to come up with a song - something i could belt for sure but what ?

    as i was waking up i kept reminding myself of the name of the youtube channel that had something to do with both furry and car seat headrest. but it got blurrier and even half asleep i realized it made no sense. (carseatfurcon?) plus willikers was standing on my head.

    now i really do have to get up and do the day. i should be leaving already to walk the dogs. i keep getting to them late and it makes the whole day feel shorter. i guess maybe no melatonin tonight?? but how does anyone sleep?!

    Monday, April 23, 2018


    i don't want to be looking at a screen in this harsh light but i don't know what else to be doing. i want paper but i don't have it. i left everything in the other room and i don't want to interrupt brett and rex bonding and talking sex stuff bc i know it can't happen if i'm around. now it seems also i have the toots. so there you go. i don't know why i'm still awake. i mean i do but do i ? i've been sick and wanted to not. jeebers cries how many of these pitiful journals can i write. how do i know if i'm even alive.

    Sunday, April 15, 2018

    my words feel so inadequate for what i mean to say

    Saturday, April 14, 2018

    this hell scream

    here i am way too late reaching out for nonexistent connections when all i really need is paper paper paper. i need to share and no ones there. it's too dark actually to write right here.

    some man with curly hair and mountain talk put his hands on my legs, said "you look good tonight," said, "i like your skirt," so i spent my evening being nice while putting myself at a distance. what could i do. i did my best. what could i do. couplet i have done more. what could i do better. what could i not fail at. what could i
    how could i not
    how could i

    Sunday, April 08, 2018

    keyculator dam disaster

    theimmediaten probelmwith this chairn is tehs nsteeri ng wheel.. fuc,ing.

    everye fucking time i close a door
    every fucking time i close a door
    every fucking climb i chose before
    every fucking time an open door
    it's here
    i can't see anymore
    it's okay
    it's better
    it's better not to see but fast
    but fast
    the keyculator
    the atic
    thank you dear one

    i just saw january baby on my bookshelf in my room who has been there for who knows how many years somehow i just saw her for the fierst time since coming home
    these are my eyes
    these are my pathetic eyes
    finally i was able to say
    thank you
    thank you
    but where were my eyes before
    where did i think she was
    where did i think i was
    how do i know what i was without her
    my little external soul
    arent we lucky to have so many external souls
    little bits and pieces we can scatter
    arent we witches lucky
    let's keep mixing
    this is the pot
    this is the mixigt pot this is the potion
    i make myself into you this is the potion
    i am infecting you
    this is the potion
    i am inflirtrating you this is the potion

    i like to sneak i like to creep
    i like to hunt i like to haunt
    i like to fly i like to leap
    i like to sink i like to flaunt

    who has a heart

    whose is it

    the cat comes in the car as the neighor porch light blinks on off on off every time a car passes but
    but hello kitty
    scratching it all up i love it
    scratching it up and my fingers so faimliar
    this is the only way out here to write in teh dark

    i just checked and again i'm sure
    this is the only way to write in teh dark.

    remember how many words we actually accidentally destroyed
    and we stil feel the pain from this loss

    in the dark we're still typing and still fighting the cause
    not winning we're sipping cheap booze & cheap talls
    instituions out there think theyre too big to fall
    but they're not accounting a fight from the smalls

    we trash talk we lip lock we jay walk for miles
    we dumpster we live learn we long fur & smiles
    don't you think yr gonna catch a crow's nest full of fools
    if you think yr safe from it, the joke's on you
    come into the possum den and watch how we make brew
    look at what you did instead and realize yr a tool
    oh boy okay

    they said
    it was like being in a house full of ravens
    they said
    people with adhd often interrupt someone else in conversation

    is this response a crime?
    is it a diagnosis?

    listen especially because
    i want to be good at listening
    i don't want to be the probelm
    i am trying to show my

    herees the deal
    heres the deal
    i want to be good who doesn't wan to be good
    it's hard
    i find
    i become aware that i am hurting you
    even when i don't mean to
    my sounds are too much
    my voice is too loud
    my memory is awful
    my hlifes over crowd

    and here is this cat that has soethinhg to say
    \he's rubbing his face
    all over th kays

    and here is the point when i ask myself plain
    can i honor my words or break them again
    do i drink one last drink and keep on this train
    or go to bed now to ease future pain

    i'm not sure i heard it i'm scared that i've missede it
    the truth is there's nothing there's nothing that's right
    and the ghosts with the most only find you at night

    have i answered myself
    have i made it okay
    can i say fuck it and throw it away
    i know
    it's true
    on some level i am a vessel
    i used to think it was a secret that i wasn't allowed to say
    i pretended that the messengers were the ones who would be mad if i told about their presence
    when i know now it was just a cover up for my fear
    my huge huge fear
    indescribable fear
    who gave to me this fear
    it was not these friends who knew me so long and carried me so far
    it was not these ones
    the fear comes from this specific hell
    and i felt it so long and so much and i want to be rid of its poisonous touch
    and probably these rhymes which just billow and gush
    and the way i am sure nothing matters past dusk

    i'm sorry i cut you off. i'm sorry for all the time i wasn't listening. thank you for keeping me going even when i didn't konw it. thank you for not letting me drive off the road. thank you for not letting me kill anything (much - i know there were bugs and butterflies and i feel it too and i am sorry but i know that it could have been worse)

    i pet the cat the good soft cat cat . he has a lot of demands. he doesn't want to chill here unless he has a flat lap. it has to be a flat lap bigger than mine because my hips arent wide enough and i never sit flat enough and i never seem to be able to stay still and i can never take my mind off of my fucking self and i am obsessing and fretting and horrified and diseased and there's a monster you cannot see and i know he knows theres a better lap somewhere so he'll never stay vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccx v
    unless he's published somewhere

    it wasn't nice bc he bit me
    i don't know what i expect

    i relly cant tell if yall condone this or not. but i know there's something special about sitting alone in the dark. i don't want it to be this poison that it takes to get me there. every time i feel it i dont think i'll last the year

    the thing is i know there's too many messages. i don't shut myself away from them often enough. this is almost your only time to reach me. you send signs. sometimes i see them and sometimes i'm resistant. sometimes i experience the things they call "adhd" or "gad" or "ptsd" and the message dissipates. i wantedc it i wanted to hear it i wanted to see it i'm trying i'm trying. oh am i trying????
    there are so many messages coming at me, and i really do want to hear them, i want to hear everything, feel everything, i want it all. I WANT I TALL. i'm listening i'm trying. i'm never going to be good enoug listener OH RIGHT ALSO I'M ALWAYS TALKING OVER PEOPLE EVEN WHEN I DONT MEAN TO. what do i do what do i do what do i do.
    the question i sdo i really need another
    how long do i sit witht his
    okay i;m turing off teh msuc

    iit's a song i love but it isn't appropriate right now.

    i'm ready though
    the amazing train
    its always voice singing to our memphis night
    to our track south night
    it might be singing get out but we hear a lullaby
    i've never heard anything else like those tones
    those tones
    like nothing else
    those tones

    i get this feeling like
    someone some littel fool is dancing on top of my head and i can't see or feel them
    i get this feeling like everything is a joke
    what a mess what a mess

    is the train just saying go to bed??

    did the train ever really mean thiat??

    the train say syes jnow.

    yes in response.
    i don't know if i'm ready for that to happen.

    and when youve scared yourself
    and when youve scared yourselvef youre scared the others around you

    and youve broken thee clown rules
    and you've broken the rules
    and now you have to say
    you're welcome
    because it's against the rules to say i'm sorry

    and sometimes you feel so loud and you take up too much space and you want to drown
    and sometimes you feel like a nothiness thing that could probably stop existing at any moment as long as enough people don't see you at once
    and you're going and you're gone and you're fading and you're on and you don't know where to be except ohohohohohover on the outskirts on the edge like a cheese ball like a racket like a noise club like a sunday jacket like a hag gone ragged like yr
    help okay\

    are you mad at me for this
    are you mad at
    how can i
    how can i heal this bone cold sickness
    without a walk in the woods

    the cord will talk to itself for eternity, we dont have to worry about it
    these machines will speak and gossip just all of forever don't worry

    why can't i write any damn thing without worrying about its future
    katherine is sweet to tell me i'm good at being in the valley of despair
    but maybe i've spent so long here that i've gone bananas
    at some point the creative energy has to flow out
    you have to make a thing or start over
    i don't know what i've done
    i dont know what i've said
    i messed up when i got the beer
    insteaf of going to bed

    i dont konw how to stop
    i dont know when to end
    i dont know what to do when i hear that tarin a'comin round the bend

    and i did a lotta cocaine
    just kidding
    thanks johnny
    i just did a baby
    oh what!
    it was far less
    far far less
    than the weight of a baby
    misicule in comparison
    why did i ever say such nonsense

    i hear the train a cmoin
    it's comin round the bend
    i hear the cars and think of bars
    where they might've been and
    i dont know how to be there
    or how to empathize
    at least not for a single
    i live that 12 pack life
    the more i think about it
    good fuxking luck diagnosing me
    i know i have tendencies in whatever symptom direction you wanna say
    but how're you plannin to parse this ?shit
    i mean
    it's not like y'all didn't try yr best
    but HA how i get a different acronym for every different day i come in

    it's funny haha like
    i receive the diagnosis - oh yes it's chemical, it's hereditary -
    and i can start to draw the line all the way back, sure
    it can make sense any way you look at it
    if you want it to

    first of all
    i chain smoke in the car
    bc i don't wanna go in and out of the house.
    it's not my house. i'm paranoid. i try to play quiet mouse.
    sometimes tomorrow i'm so sure of my failure, my not good enough ness, my LIAR LIAR tries, surely they know and they hate it and me and there's so many secrets in this family
    so i hide in my cave and i cry to my phone and the day is a waste in a trap of my own
    bc fuxking of course when i finally come out
    there's nothing that's changed or charged, there's no doubt
    that i'm doing the best that i possibly can with all that i have which is mostly
    nine books' worth of psycho prophesying
    a list of letters that scramble and giggle to me

    i can see
    now i know i have adhd
    and those of us with this thing
    have a habit of interrupting
    is that why my whole family shouts and sings ?
    is that why our language comes out in screams ?
    how we talk with each other like birds in a roost
    constant, in & under, our southern mouths loose
    and now that i'm out in a public environment
    i'm told it's a symptom of the disease i inhabit
    and oh
    and oops
    and duck
    and it's true that it's happening when i don't want it to
    it's true that i'm listening but my words want in too
    and i swear they're only there because i think i'm only responding
    not that i'm interrupting or not listening to you talking
    where i come from we're talking sitting around the roost
    we're yelling and we're laughing and our tongues are wagging loose
    there's no such thing as silent circles or crowds to praise you alone
    if it ain't loud, i don't want it
    i need ravens in the home

    it's not entirely true but it sure does make a good story. i'm trying to say. i'm trying to say i don't mean to be mean when i interrupt.
    i see how it throws you and it makes me quake.
    i see how it can feel jarring and abrupt to be what you think is cut off
    or challenged or bones or piece of hide when someone's saying stuff
    as you tell your story or the version that's only allowed when your audience is boring

    i know
    we know who you think we are

    wait wait wait
    that's not it
    this was supposed to be an apology
    gravy i can't believe it's already 3
    but i gotta keep going
    and i don't believe in morning
    unless it's dark and no one comes calling

    i like the sneak i like the hunt i like to creep i like to haunt

    Wednesday, March 28, 2018

    why do i feel like you can see me?

    i am the death i am the death i am the hell how am i still talking how is this allowed how has no one severed this head this tongue
    they want to it's true
    WOOOowwwww so emo and still
    you can never know what htey want
    which one is it
    which is the real one
    which is the one wanted
    who is invited
    who gets in the door
    who gets to throw down
    who gets to lay down
    there is a fuzz between them WHO?
    pop pop crack
    the spine says no
    the story stops
    how long can anyone sit still?
    how long can the body pretend

    what does it mean to have nothing looking back

    what does it mean

    they're looking at you and you know them but you've forgotten who you're being
    i can't
    the last

    i remember
    talking heads bed dancing high while everyone else is downstairs
    that can't be the last time
    i remember
    boat hat beers in the dirty dirty poor and hungry bar
    and even then
    of the census
    20...10....??? could that be possible?
    i rambled about cats
    for years
    my conspiracy theory about an underground tunnel network where not one but TWO of my cats were devoured for 6+ weeks from my back door into oblivion and back
    that happended.
    and i sure did talk about.
    oh yeah and
    i'm sure at the slider
    and i'm sure at the lamp
    and i'm sure i have been a fool at every occasion
    is that wanted?
    tell me how to be
    i busted up
    i bust it up
    i dont' know the difference
    i want the difference
    i want the other space
    i want to go THERE
    let's go .... o?!
    but yeah so i don't do it so good as i wish
    and i
    oh yeah
    i remember that house on tucker
    maybe he was dating xoe.?
    how is anyone supposed to know.
    oh wait
    it's only me that doesnt
    and i'm still fucking going
    (the most pitiful thing)
    ((i just want someone to work with))
    how can i know if i should keep going
    how do i know if this is the REAL STUFF
    crak crak pop
    roolllllssss rols
    gimme okay
    gimme okay one more
    yeah okay one more
    gimme yeah good one
    yes never don't yes never stop
    keep yes keep on keep forever
    tell me
    when did i get so into symmetry
    tell me when i
    get so into me
    oh yeah so
    kat and i were talking about being BABIES
    and how those patterns are still played out
    i dunno about you
    but i was a fucking needy fucking baby oh geeeeeeeeeez
    always skin burning always never happy always crying
    but they called me a changeling
    and gave me more love than they knew they had
    now i'm in toruble
    now my glasses call on the floor and i just
    i just can't
    i dont' know how to call them back
    i don't know what's worth it
    i dont' know how they made me worth it
    i'm needing needing needing
    i hate that i need it
    i hate the symmetry but i crave it
    i dont' know how to not want to help
    i don't know how to not find the person who is a project
    who is a baby
    who is me
    who is a changeling
    who my favorite illustrator trina shart hyman said was a faery
    that isn't me
    i see the thing and
    i am the thing ??
    even without the mirror i
    what's the difference even

    here. i can say.
    it expresses through my toes.
    crunching and flexing.
    just look
    it's a toe code
    aka toad
    hop along
    don't forget
    even now they twist and curl and say WHAT NOW WHAT NEXT YOU SAID
    oh yeah i did
    i said
    i know what i said
    does that mean i have to?
    oh well
    because the toes say so
    the toes now are twitching
    they do their symmetrical dance
    (who even teaches them such nonsense?)
    we just want to dance
    we just want

    fg sdouae


     youn are
    ouojn are y
    oyoh a
    re y

    youten are
    yournea the


    oiyoikkiy hoiiekejkeiekd,weiekflgjfuewjwskfkmnrkle
    youn are the literal worst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the listera worst
    you are the listeral wrost
    you are the listeral
    you are htel isteral ywuers
    you are the listeral  worst
    you are the literal wrost
    you are the literal owrst
    you are the literal oworst
    you are the litereal owrst
    hou areth thelaitera ost
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literal owrst
    you are the literal worst
    you are hte literalo worst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literalo worst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literalo worst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literal owrst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literal worst
    you are the literalo wost

    wo shw
    hwyea yea yea yeah yeah
    wos wos
    what nwo
    yeah oakya so now
    okay yeah so now
    what now

    oh yeah
    you know what now
    this is the part where i sneak out out out out sneak quiet creep creak the front door squeak into the out out out into the rain night rain into the car into the mold into the bold mold mobile where i can hear the rain rain rain and not this ... haha you guessed it
    let's try again

    Monday, March 26, 2018

    how do you know when to move?

    for the second time in the last four days i found myself fighting my alarm clock and snoozing over and over, not for the usual reason of just not being ready to get up, but having the sense that i was supposed to be protecting something or holding space for some kind of dream meeting. the first time - friday morning i think? - took place in some building that felt very institutional. i know there were people and a story but i don't remember them at all. i just knew that once i woke up they wouldn't be able to have this time together anymore - like i was a conduit for something Other. and i remember at one point the conscious part of my brain, snoozing, saying "brett would never understand this" which of course he denied when i told him.

    and this morning something similar - i'm supposed to be protecting something so i have to stay. i must've known what it was i was protecting but now i can't remember. and then some voice from elsewhere giving me the go ahead to get up, "there's nothing you need to protect now."

    who is it that speaks to me?

    don't remember my dream at all except that for some reason while brushing my teeth, katherine's new favorite song popped into my head (the waters of march) and i remember part of a dream where i start singing some little random melody (ba ba ba baaa) and katherine asks "were you thinking of that great part in the waters of march just now?" and i say i wasn't, but actually HAD been thinking of it and then tried to consciously disguise the melody into something different.

    what / why am i hiding ?

    Saturday, March 03, 2018

    keyculator speak

    today is friday march 2, i guess it's just after midnight so. i'm drinking beer and i just had my first cigarette after 2+ weeks without. i'm trying to understand teh impulse. i know part of it is teh moment itself but what's teh feeling that leads to it and the feeling that hapens afterwards? tonight i thought i would write some messages to friends inviting them to teh movie at SXSW and maybe even post on some groups about the screenings. or do some research. or even just read my book. but there was a shift, a switch flipped. and none of that productive stuff is what i want anymore. i have been filling this void for years this way - beer, smokes, drown it. i use the time too to connect, talk with friends, hang out. if i'm alone i can SING or listen to music in a devoted way that i don't normally allow myself to. or this- I WRITE. is that what i really need to be allowing myself? the smoking and drinking is the excuse for the thing i want. the honest, the open, the art, the silliness.

    Sunday, January 21, 2018

    do you remember the children's book "frederick" by leo lionni?

    the good feeling i've been riding took a dip last night and i'm worried it'll run away and i still won't have pinned it down at all. it's so hard to even believe it enough to say it, or if i manage to find the words, they'll become only that, and the feeling will fade. but now that it's a question it's better to just do it... right?

    i can already feel myself overthinking this. that is the last thing i want to do. what do i have? i have these fast fast fingers and i can type my brain better than i think! i can write the words my mind makes up! i can sound like a real me in text! (i know because laylee told me that 15 years ago and rex told me so today and so i have to BELIEVE or what if i lose it or what if there's something important i could be doing that i miss because i haven't done anything about it. you know.)

    it's so hard to believe. it's so hard to let myself remember what i'm good at.

    BUT after xmas after snata craws and rodent carols and another round of GREAT GROUP i was near convinced, i clowned for myself in the mirror and i was able to get there which surprised me - but why should it? donna said not to look at ourselves to practice our turns and i totally understand that advice. but so often when i look at the mirror and i see this strange face and i think this can't possibly be me or be real or be anything at all, and i just shut down. for so long i have turned away i have pushed my nails into my palms to unsee i have gritted my teeth and pushed breath through to see to be anything else. now i find that in the times in the late night in the mirror i can explore and see what this body can do. i can see how to find the biggest expressions of the face, i can elasticize.


    i forget. i forget who the body belongs to. i froget we frog together. the mirror thing, with the perfect dissociative cocktail, surprises and delights. the mirror thing becomes elastic, electric, fantastic.

    the thing that hurt to look at, the thing i could never understand how to belong to, i find this thing, when stared down, goes wild. it can't behave and doesn't want to try. it wasted a lot of toilet paper.

    this is only partially a new discovery. the feeling is in the body, some of it is already memorized. it's burning embers in there all the time, even though i forget.

    i guess i'm rambling now. the important part is -- i have gotten so tired of beating myself up for being bad at stuff. of course that sounds very reasonable written down in such a way. but the things i'm bad at are things that many people find necessary to function - eating, sleeping, organizing belongings, remembering information, simple math, wearing clothes, forming words, etc. i don't really want to care about being bad at all that mess. it happens or it doesn't. i can't remember the names of important people or pretty much anything i learned in school. i can't remember why i hate mother teresa until i look it up on wikipedia (and promptly forget the facts again, but i remember the feeling).

    i remember the feeling i remember the feeling i remember the feeling

    i am toying with the idea of applying to physical theatre school. i am considering how to make my body into a rubber band or flower. i want to be able to squeeze everything out of the present moment and explode it out of myself. i want to roll around and jump and shriek and freak and confuse the fuck out of people. i want to present another way to be.

    if not me, then who? if not a someone with hardly any logical memory but great arches, then what am i even around for? surely someone out there is gonna do it. surely they could stand some company.

    this was all made abundantly clear, several times in fact, right around the winter solstice. as it turns out, that was right when i was completing my first saturn return - and perfect timing to say fuck you everybody, i don't care what you think, i can see so clearly what is important. (reminder of what is important: friends, love, art, magic. this is an incomplete list but you get the idea.)

    morgan got back in town for the holiday and wanted to go out to the bar with friends. she picked the so-called irish pub, not knowing that a bunch of us had gone there for trivia the night before (don't worry, we lost) so many of our group didn't come along this time. and it ends up me & brett (& later kat) in the weirdos corner with morgan's most type A segment of friends all crowded into the booth on the other side and all i can say is "YEP here i am again indeed, oh and what now? i'm doing an in depth study of mental health, now that i'm back from the loony bin" and there's nothing like a night like this to remind me how much i don't want that life, with the husbands and the babies and the business casual luncheons. UGH writing that is so obvious i could just spit on myself but no no that is most of the world and i think i can be allowed to write it down occasionally. the important part here is that i maybe felt a little embarrassed at first and especially trying to explain wtf i'm doing with myself, yes back in memphis, yes living with my folks, yes again, but more than ever, i feel like answering this questions is more a nuisance than anything else. i don't really care if they judge me for the answers. i don't really give a fuck what they think, truly. are they judging me for being practically unemployed and living with my parents at 30 and oh ordering another drink this late? yes they definitely are. and am i judging them for being salaried breeders who always vote democrat? yes i definitely am. so we're even.

    i'm tired of the waffling shuffling pretending i can play for both sides. when i lived in baltimore i felt like 2 people in 1 body-- a demure, polite, if slightly eccentric, part-time librarian with sensible shoes and nothing but patience, and a barefoot feral drunk at the local anarchist commune / urban farm (except not even totally that because i still had to make sure the bills got paid and be The Sensible One which is not me at all and was boring as fuck).

    i'm tired of fucking around with that world pretending i can play along. i just can't hack it.
    i know i know i don't have it. i'm far from it. it's been six months now since i got out of the loony bin and came home. it doesn't feel like that long but i know my folks are getting antsy for me to figure my shit out and get a move on. meanwhile i don't want to rush making a decision because that is what keeps getting me into messes, it seems like. but i think i'm getting somewhere this time. maybe.

    when i was a kid we lived in a small bungalow house in the artsy neighborhood of town, before it got gentrified. the dining room in the center of the house had 8 walls, branching off to the front hallway, our bedrooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, the back yard. "the octagonal room" was the true center & the heart of the house. at that table, my mama accidentally served us inedible cake decorations at the table. at that table, we grew crystals for SIX WHOLE WEEKS on plastic toys & charcoal for a science fair project. and under that table, most importantly, we made our own world. no fort could compare to the one on the persian carpet, table cloth on all sides, and pillows snatched out of beds. what did we do under there? i'm not quite sure but it was all magical, always, because it happened there, in the secret sacred space.

    that's the space i want to create for people. if i am not here to take people under the table, i'm not sure what i am doing at all.

    ***there are other worlds there are other worlds there are other worlds* and they are all around us**

    now i've got 3 glasses of wine in me and i still haven't packed so. i'm annoyed bc i dont think i even said what i was trying to say. or it all come out wrong. fuck all. the point is, i am frederick. (or i wish i were.)

    Thursday, January 11, 2018

    a cigarette is a standin for a moment where i do what i want. as long as i keep sitting outside smoking the world is mine. this is how i've turned the smoke into self care.
    and i love to see the smoke.
    and i love to love the drink that comes with.
    once the moment is mine it's hard to give it up. keep the time, bring out another somesuch to consume.
    you look out you i'll write you out the room

    once i get to this point it's so hard to stop. by hard i mean - it's why bother why stop now? we might be getting somewhere! like i am still believing there's a place my brain will travel on alcohol and nicotine that's new or at least insightful. maybe sometimes it is. but i've been forgetting, for years forgetting, that i can go there without all that. and i'm letting myself im remembering and it's okay. tonight is an exception and i can't let this become normal again. let this remain the weird stuff. (there's weirder stuff to be had and i need to be "sober" to see it.)

    and just one more okay just one more becomes a sneak attack becomes why am i still here becomes a trick against myself

    Friday, January 05, 2018

    maybe tomorrow no beer is best.

    today i was in an okay mood. not super happy persay but confident and ready. i beat myself up a lot for not being good enough at one thing or another - my memory is garbage for one thing. i can't seem to remember all the world things other people do. but i can remember my friends and my own personal history pretty well and that makes me feel very self involved. so last night, today, i was saying, so what?? maybe i can't remember that stuff because i'm not living in the same reality as everyone else and maybe there's nothing wrong with that. maybe that means i'm egotistical on some level but it doesn't mean i don't care. maybe i just need to embrace that i'm comfortable over here and i don't need to try to memorize all the same facts as everyone else just for the sake of conversation. maybe it's okay to make faces in the mirror and try to be in my wiggle body.

    i had been excited about the concept of dell arte, then i looked again at the curriculum and the tuition and quickly became intimidated and overwhelmed. then i got settled into this new years mood and felt like so what? why should i be worried about having to perform something new every week and my ideas not being good enough? why am i already putting so much pressure on myself? can't i for once become some silly puddy? haven't i always known what to do? that i could do it bigger, better, more more more? i can see it so clearly sometimes. sometimes i forget, sometimes i remember i've already been doing it all along. i can be allowed to do more. i love to overdo it. i love to make people laugh. i love to be as stupid as i can. i love to forget and reinvent and remember and forget. i want to make it happen. i don't know what else i can do. if not me, then who??

    and then and then it falls apart. i don't want to write it now bc writing the first part made me feel better and i want to hold that while i sleep. maybe tomorrow. maybe not. (short version - family is hard.)