Sunday, April 21, 2002

i know that you are gone but i can not stop and i do not stop. all i can do is say it and pretend you are here to hear. things are stupid. why are things stupid? i used to think suicide was so selfish and jesus that can't matter. it's too bad i'm not brave in that way. and it's supposed to be brave not to but how can it be when there is no life to show for it? how can one pretend to live and call it bravery holding them back? so suicide is looking more and more reasonable as opposed to my big fat nothing life these days which is going nowhere. yes i am that selfish. i figure i should get hit by some big truck next time i step outside. i need something real to cling to. i must be hard to please and easy to please and indecisive and opinionated and i make no sense and i have no self. i can not find any me in this body to save my skin. things are stupid. you can not tell me why things are stupid. isn't it perfect that depression should be genetic? i'll go insane, you just wait. i'll have some bizarre mental condition. so i used to want that. i used to be so scared of cancer and all at once think i had it and be sort of relieved and excited. i guess i was that attention-starved. yes i am that selfish. i only want to be seen as me and maybe you will find her for me right before i bite it. i only want not to be taken for granted. but i think it's hard for you to take me for granted when i have no identity and i have no originality and i have nothing to take. i think i can't be human as princess heart-of-stone. as miss manipulation. as she who derives pleasure from your annoyance. i can't be human if i can never cry. i know you are gone but i can not stop.

Friday, April 19, 2002

if i am full of only pure water i will not be mean and i will not be mean. i'll slip inside your head so easy, you might never notice and you might never know how amazing and fragile i could be. you can feed me forever with only pure water. i could be your dream. i could not be me and if only i could so easily be just what you need, i could cure you of every little thing. i could silently torture myself and you would never see. you'll be far too busy making pure water and never caring about me since i am only using you for this venial excuse, the murder i commit will not even matter to anyone but you. you who will only miss your dream. i am never me.

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

i can put you in my pocket
before i go out to play
i get my church dress all messy
covered with dirt and sun drops
i can keep you safe
though my hands are pink and blistered
and my nails are not that clean
you might just forgive me
i take you from my pocket
before i plant you in the sky
you get my church mess all dressy
and i don't even mind
i can keep you safe in here
though you'll have to save yourself

Sunday, April 14, 2002

aMereStatistic: you should be my first real kiss lana, that would be happy for me anyway

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

quoth brittany's blog, "alanna is the crazy/cute/rock dancing girlie"
strangely enough I don't consider myself a crazy cute rock dancing girlie