Tuesday, February 25, 2003

mom sent me off
to buy chilli ingredients.
neither of us was wearing shoes.
too cold for her outside,
but not for me?
i trek through the snow alone
leaving angry footprints
in my neighbors' perfect yards.
it takes me a couple minutes
to find the right beans.
and i never do find a
"spice pkg of cumin seeds or ground"
but i spend five minutes standing
in front of the mexican spice rack.
these two men come up next to me
(wearing matching coats, i swear)
they look like crazy indie guys.
they're also looking for some kind of chili spices.
i stall for as long as i can,
fiddling with my list and my jacket and the
products that came to my city, my tiny midtown grocery store
in order to satisfy the growing hispanic population
in the cheap apartments across the street.
here i am in my comfort.
here they are in their miniature ghetto.
here i am complaining that i have to walk to the store in the snow.
here they are having no choice, no car, no big fluffy coat.
here i am stalling next to my new favorite people,
handling the merchendise.
here i am wishing for them to be a couple,
watching their feet standing close.
they still haven't decided what to buy when
i slip away still empty-handed.
i just take the most generic seasoning up to the register
slide change into my pockets
wish change upon the world

Monday, February 24, 2003

lately i keep hearing what is good about me
but you know
i can't let myself forget all this bad
i was told that i am
a beautiful dancer
i was told that i am
full of grace
but i can't move the way i want
can't move people's minds
i was told that i have
beautifully thick raven hair
i was told that i have
good cheekbones
but i can't stand to see pictures of myself
can't stand to look in the mirror
i was asked what i have
been doing lately?
i was asked if i have
a boyfriend yet?
nope. sorry. not yet.
sorry to disappoint you again
still alanna
still a lonely little girl
i'm sorry, papa
no one ever taught me how to throw a ball around
no one ever taught me how to wear make-up
no one ever taught me to want to
i'm sorry, granny
i'm not a christian and i'm not getting married
i'm not having children
and my sexuality is ambiguous
i'm sorry, mama
i think your daughter's crazy
i think you brought your january baby
back into the warmth, in out of the cold
but in her mind she's still freezing in the snow
mama mama make me better
because i don't know what to do
still alone
wooden tiles checker the floor
ceiling too.
wet eyes for this
my wet eyes will leak and
tears will fall forever
i will soothe these ancient tiles
and cleanse old dirt
stuck like i am
stuck and i need someone
to cry warm rivers over me
i can't get myself free
you owe me tears and quickly
surviving stuck is hard on me
i am worn SO THIN
and i need not to be
clenched in the fists of
everything holding me down/back/here

Sunday, February 23, 2003

put money in your idle hole

*sob sob sob* today is the last day of country spacecraft ballerina, and as if that isn't sad enough, only a few hours after the show is over, tori amos will be stunning nashville and sleater-kinney will be rocking chicago. god knows i would have gotten someone to drive me to nashville for tori, but JUST LIKE LAST TIME, it was during a play. although last time it was more frustrating because i wasn't IN the play and people were just cruel. becca and laylee were talking about going to the s-k show, though, because it is their closest one on this tour. i want to go to 23905702357023597 concerts this summer. christ. it's not fair. why does memphis hate me? i mean really, we are not that bad. but i've recently been talking to this girl named hannaH from topeka, kansas. i mean come on. topeka! and they have a huge ani fanbase and a gay community at school that has fucking rallies and shit. and here i am in the home of rock and roll or whatever with no concerts to go to and not that many people who share my taste in music. that is probably part of what is wrong. damn memphis. we need better radio stations. well katherine and i could have supplied them with one, but NO. it is "illegal" for minors to be on the radio, even if they have an adult with them at all fucking times. that is such bullshit. don't get me wrong, memphis has a wonderful theatre community and a newborn indepedent film community and i love both of them.
speaking of, the play is going rather well. only one show left. *sob*
yesterday after school, before call, elise and i went to media co-op and hung out with morgan and josh for a little while and it was wonderful. they gave us this cd of the band they are in and some writings of.... anonymous people? co-op people? i am not sure. elise took it, of course, becuase supposedly she loves them more. but they came to see our play, and they danced even though they said they wouldn't. and and and it made us happy. ohhh speaking of happy, they made our week/month/life/existence indeterminably happy by emailing us after brittany sent them to our production company site. they enjoyed it very much, i think.
"Whhhooooooowwwweeeeeeeeee!?! - Josh
This stuff makes me wanna make movies when I grow up! - Brandon
Wow, that's revolutionary! - Morgan
Absolutely Amazing! - Denny
Ya'll Rock! - Collective Exclamation upon completion of viewing"

also morgan watched elise's video "untouchable face" after being recommended it by brandon, who watched it at brittany's house while they were working a short for their film workshop. everybody thought it was amazing and are intensely flattered. morgan emailed elise about showing it with his film experiment XVII and then they would talk about it afterwards about life/art, art/life, etc. he said that our video was an "extremely mature and intensely beautiful work of art" and we could not be more overcome with joy. elise called me after she got the email and we screamed for five minutes. and then on and off for a couple hours. it was great great great and i want some damn IDEAS for some movies to come rolling into my little brain because next weekend i intend to never put down the camera. if you want somebody to make a movie of your idea or something then please. help. alskdhoashieg. i am not a terrible editor. i do what i can with what i have. sort of.
also i cannot WAIT to see blue citrus hearts which is morgan's new movie, also featuring my sister morgan for a little bit. i am very excited and it comes out next month and yayyy and if you live in memphis you should come to the screening and if you don't live in memphis but you have some sort of independent film whosits, get them to attack this movie for you. yay ok yay.
ALSO lately A Dream of You has been going incredibly well! we have had at least one post every day for like a month. it's been amazing. we have 15 members now, and mostly they are enthusiastic. there are at least three people who have kind of forgotten that they are members, i think. it's too bad. i sent out huge emails and everything. *sigh* but pleeeease check it out, we would really appreciate it. if you haven't been, it started out with just me and brittany writing poems, but then more people joined and brought with them other forms of writing and drawing and paiting and photography and creating. it's so exciting and the atmosphere there right now is really fresh and beautiful and creative and it's a great place to be. i think everyone is glad to be a part of it. those who remember that they are, anyway haha. but it is one of the best ideas i have ever had, if i do say so myself. just because it's obviously being enjoyed by a lot of people. this is the longest post i've written in forever. it's actually kind of refreshing. i remember how much fun it is to look back and see what i did on days and now i'm sad that i didn't talk about any details of the play or going to ck's coffee shop with my sister and dad and sarah and elise last night or elise coming over afterwards or going to brock's bollywood festival/party/thing that wasn't or ANYTHING that has been going on in the past few months, really!!! but uh. i'm going to go to bed now.

(i hope you can tell that i plugged like a muthafucka up in this post and all of you linkees better be grateful)

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Mutant Spacebats Of Doom, where art thou? do you guys still want us to make a music video for you when you get a song recorded? do any of you even remember that we offered? please contact us if you are out there!

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

offer up feathery wings for you to lose yourself in. am always here. am everything and am not afraid. you will be warm here where you are loved. can hold you tell you truths like the world is really upside down, that you can fly, how beautiful you are.
these are some things that i am sure about.
i am not lying but i have trouble believing what i know.
i will learn to be a clever speaker.
i will learn to speak persuasively what i know with authority.
i will learn these things and maybe not feel lke
little hypocrisies are sliding between my teeth.
offer up tattered wings for you to wrap yourself within. am always here. am nothing and am full of fear. you will have to trust me here where you are loved. think that if you believe it enough i might transform to something beautiful for you.
give me reasons to be beautiful.
i am thriving on you
love-soaked wings through shoulder BLADES
all made of light
all made of nothing
like me
wings like me for me on waves of every airy thing
wings and i won't have to carry you because look -- now you have
wings and we can get away from here
wings and we will fly

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Nabikichan086: love you
aLittleStarlight: love you back
Nabikichan086: LOVE YOU MOSTEST! :-D
Nabikichan086: damn!
Nabikichan086” signed off at 5:48:44 PM.
standing there
she did not see me
i smiled
those five seconds made my day complete
my arm has been around her
my head has lain on her shoulder
her arm has been around my waist
her head has lain in my lap
her face close foreheads touch
her hair in my hands
we sure fooled them
people in the store, street, cars
people that know us
people like me
how could i have known that this is
just how it goes
she is glad to have someone who
doesn't mind being hugged
while i am glad to have someone who
doesn't mind touching me
enjoys being near me
likes my loose arms light weight
turns out i forgot to pack my brain again
turns out i forgot to think
i was supposed to remember
that could never happen
love does not fit me
i may have fit within her arms
she may have fit in mine
but i do not get love
i wouldn't call it attraction
it was all possibility
and newness
the beginning of something
and i love her presence that much
enough to think about her lips
my hands in her hair
counting each other's feathers
it's sick, i know
because she never though of me that way
2 girls
we could have been beautiful
i guess it's nice to know
that those 2 ok
that they are what they have been
stubborn and marching on
in her eyes, at least
did she also leave her brain at home?
i wish she had
our minds could have nested together forever
with us (without) happily delusional
i feel deceived
thinking back...
what was said?
same as what she says to them
the lanka girls with boyfriends
the guys who do not date
the gay boys she dances with
she knows they all want her
i am no different
left my brain off
left it out and it's melting
i wish we could say that
it is she who has been wrong
what were you thinking?
and what took you so long
to see it? see me? see us?
i can't say anything.
there was nothing to see.
there was nothing to show.
sick and she is happy
sick for wasting the words
sick i am missing something and i need it bad
i want to be fully consumed
for her to look at me
say "this is where we came from
and this is where we are
this is what we feel so
we could learn to fly."
and we will look it in the eye
we could go back to everything
just how it has been
with arms and smiling bodies
if she will tell me how to see
my arm does not belong there
my head can not rest here
there is no room for me
i cannot convince her
but i am trying

Monday, February 17, 2003

i was illusioning myself
i should have known better somehow
that is just you being you
and me being wishful
you already have him
and all of them
you already have love
what was i thinking:
you glowed in those moments
fucking beautiful
and i could shine
but here i go again
i really don't know what to think
what's going on in my head
don't know why i get upset over something so small
don't know why my movement is too wrong inappropriate
don't know why
i need to not be this
don't know why
i need you to be around
don't know what's left to say
that is just you being beautiful
and me being stained
bring on another knife
if i ask you will say no
but you will stick it in
all the same
stupid still
i am asking too much
Frozen Heart--
it's been said before
so i'm not going to say it
i am sick of being so fucking trite
i need new words for old feelings
i need new ideas for someone stuck
it's sickening that i am jealous
happening again and again
i can't stand myself
my own thoughts
i wanted that and that was there
i needed it and it was there
i don't know what happened to the list i made
all i know is that there are so many more things on it
i've misplaced it somehow
and things are not turning out so well
only all in my head.
only some of the time.
she told me it's just hormones
god i hope she is right
i don't need to be even more messed up
Daily Horoscope for Aquarius on February 17, 2003
If you are worried about someone close to you, make sure that the problem has not become exaggerated in your own mind.You could be hearing conflicting reports that make the situation seem worse than it really is. Depressing people are not good sources of information.

I must say, sometimes these things are damn accurate.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

You are Louise Brooks: sassy, smart, and oh so
cool! You are a trend-setter and probably have
a quick wit! You rock!

Which Silent Actress are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, February 14, 2003

wow! my second video project for school in a week! that is pretty impressive, if i do say so myself. unfortunately, however, the video is not. ermmm i editted it just now... i didn't film it, the girl who used my camera clicked the damn zoom thingie through the whole thing and it drives me insane. that's okay, she needed something to do in the project i guess. watch it.
my cat is five years old!!!!

we got her from House of Mews, which means she was a stray and the exact date of her birth is unknown but it is sometime in the first couple weeks of february. today, valentine's day, is the end of the first couple weeks of february so i picked a holiday to be her birthday.

happy birthday, silver sehkmet shadow moon!

Thursday, February 13, 2003

You are Irish
You are a Dubliner.

What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla

congrats!! your a stereo-typical indie fuck! your
nothin big nor special but still an indie fuck.
you are still into yourself more then anyone
else and look so damm fine. you dont get much
women but just enough to listen to a couple bad
emo records. you need a keyboard.

what type of indie fuck are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a freeform writer. Individualistic with a
sense for the different and challenging, Walt
Whitman and his poetry lacking meter and rhyme
is just what the doctor ordered. You're quick
to write something that the rest of the world
doesn't accept as poetry, quick to separate
yourself from the average joe. An author with a
true sense of self, you have confidence in your
abilities and aren't afraid to show it. :) GO

What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fire advise goggle
You think you're deep, tortured and misunderstood.
You're not, you're just incoherent and a bit
silly. Now you know.

What Lord of the Rings engrish subtitle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, February 10, 2003

last night my lovely family helped me make a video for my mythology class. it is pretty crap but you can watch it here. it's a sort of retold version of this myth and pretty much all you have to know is that the god Pan, who has goat legs and horns, falls in love with Hercules' girlfriend.

and my dad just referred to DYKWYCA as Do You Know Completely Where Your Children Might Be Doing Things?
i've been to three weddings
i think.
i was a bride's maid at age 6.
the flower girls tipped their baskets over
at the end of the long
l    o    n    g
long walk down the aisle in
my grandmother's backyard.
the pictures show all of us
laughing with the wind
kicking up our dresses.
all i remember
about my second wedding is long
l    o    n    g
long talk and i looked down
when he was allowed to kiss her.
my co-, ex- bride's maid gets
too much chicken.
my grandmother sends her back to
the buffet table
to put it all back.
maybe it was my co-, ex- bride's
maid's second wedding too.
maybe she felt too much like a convict
released from jail or
maybe it felt like
her last meal
before we grew up
and were pushed from the foreground.
my third wedding years later
(so many years for me
but i can hold them in my hands)
it has been such a long
l    o    n    g
long time and i dont know what i want
or what to wear
i wish for
my grandmother's itch persistence
she would have made me match
made me fit
but instead i go feeling like myself
it is a wrong choice.
i am out of place and
i don't know anyone and
now that i am listening to the ceremony,
i don't agree.
i feel too wrong to sit at the tables
during the reception.
i am too naked to drink a glass of punch
or to eat all the chicken.
theif ex-convict sits in chair against wall
pushed to the background
by time
and me.
when i was the one carrying the flowers,
i had ideas.
ideals. dreams and plans and futures.
i would take another long walk in
an itchy dress
and make my grandmother proud.
some time in between the chicken
and the aisle
i would become clarissa and explain it all
i was guaranteed love and friends
with exactly right wacky clothes.
i think TV made it look too easy
i let everything go
and look at that
i ended up in the background
back here where there are
NO long walks
NO happy endings
NO fairytale kisses
some day my prince will come
so they say.
when he does i'll most likely push him out the window
it's not that i enjoy life more from inside the tower
against the wall
but i have got it down so well

Sunday, February 09, 2003

which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)

just thought this was interesting... i got witch baby the first time ("you're wild and mysterious you often feel like you do not belong")
i think i got weetzie because i put answers about having friends and being surrounded in love. what can i say except "thanks, genie."

Saturday, February 08, 2003

furiousXgeorgeX: you're not a nice girl. or a weird guy. you're just an abusive tyrant