MY BODY HAS A LOT TO SAY

and it’s full of revelations

firstly being how right kat’s dance teacher is that if you want to write you have to first move. i switched up my body and my mind woke up. so full so sure.

it’s not that “everything happens for a reason.”
it’s that everything means something. (does it? me who loves nonsense, do i really believe that?) or maybe it’s more like nothing happens in a vacuum. everything is attached to something. but maybe everything does have meaning and if it seems like nonsense it’s because the riddle isn’t unscrambled yet? after all, we’re just the conduits.

driving along and thinking about the past, my past self. my happy list - the joy in simple things. picnics and mud and swings and dancing. just friends. those are all the real things. when did it get so bogged down? and when did i decide that my depression has always been eating me alive?? i mean it has but it’s not like i never enjoyed anything. i felt miserable in a cruel world that made me hate myself and makes people have to do horrible things to keep up with it. i was never actually the problem. i had so much passion and energy and i knew what was important!!! i’ve got to get that back.

and that was another revelation - all along six of cups. for months six of cups - good memories, childhood, family, roots, growth. i have to remember how to play. i have to get some of that child essence back. to be good and do good and CLOWN and remember how to be happy.

HARRY COULD ALMOST CRY AT THIS SIMPLE GIFT OF THE UNIVERSE.

i’ve been staring at it all along and i never really saw it. i’ve been saying yes yes i know and thinking it has to do with being home but now i see it’s about something i’m missing, or don’t have enough of, something essential. REMEMBERING TO PLAY. remembering to move. appreciating sensual experiences. i see now how i have to kill some of the adult learned bullshit to get back to a place where i felt better being a blank slate. (i’ve looked for that feeling so many places. sex, masochism, drinking, fire, internet, candy crush, dancing. playingggg and moving without myself is the best one. yeah?!)

i have to say thank you to the clown gods for being patient with me on this one. i’m sorry i had to ask so many times. i need to find a better way to process these tarot readings. through dance, maybe??? today i had the urge to get off after the reading, to be open and explode pleasure in the presence of the cards. i thought that would give them energy. obviously they don’t need it! i’m the one who needs the movement, the rhythm, the process!!!! to take it into my mind it has to come through my body. or vice versa.

is it a gift that the clown gods, the earth messengers, others, out there, are communicating with me? i guess they must talk to everyone like this, but not everyone listens (or knows how to). not trying to talk like i’m some great listener!! obviously i missed the six of cups message for months. (why haven’t they given up on me??) but i want to learn and i want to do better. better, bigger, harder, brighter magic. i want to make it good enough. i hope they’ll keep helping me understand how.

also side note i really need to get “brett” or whatever skeptical voice out of my head so that my thoughts stop getting distracted. ugh. at this point, how can i even doubt????

Things I Like To Do

• sing
• stretch
• read out loud
• read!
• puzzles
• write

good things for today

• hot cuppa tea
• popcorn with yeast and garlic salt
• writing letters
• tearing paper
• dandelions
• baby bowl before bed
• not looking at the computer
• not giving a fuck

NEW PLANS:

--run away with morgan and be secret princesses in caves

--find some awesome artist who needs a personal assistant

--move into a roadside attraction
--don't worry about any of these fuckhead fakeys
--don't bother talking to anyone who doesn't bother talking to you
--cultivate ugliness
--every letter a suicide note

--cut it out
--love the cut

boys don't ever have this much fun

i hate the law.
after dinner at the OR tonight, i walked up to my car in the loyola parking garage, in the rain, to discover that i had been BOOTED. granted, this is sort of my own fault, because i dont have a parking permit yet.... but i mean, cmon! it's still pretty early in the year, right? so i had to pay $95 to get them to take it off. it was exceedingly lame.
so, i finally got on the road. i had to stop at rite aid on the way home to pick up some medicine. i walked in totally normal and didnt even notice that some lady's "HEY! PINKIE!" was directed at me! pinkie! what??? is that a racial reference, or could she perhaps have been referring to my dress... i don't know. so i'm standing in line at the pharmacy pick-up and she appears and tells me that i have to leave. why, you ask? because i am barefoot.
"you need to leave and get some shoes."
"i don't have any shoes."
"you need to leave and get some shoes."
"well this will just take one second."
"you need to leave and get some shoes."
"but i'm sick! i need medicine!"
"you need to leave and get some shoes."
i should have kicked a bitch. but instead i just rolled my eyes and left. and now i have no medicine.
here's the point: these days i have been attempting to find happiness wherever i can... it's a rare thing, so i do my damnedest to continue doing the few things i can to maintain a little glow in my day. lately (basically all summer and continuing to the present) i have tried to go barefoot as much as possible. every day i go to school with no shoes.... i've gotten scolded a couple of times at the cafeteria, but basically i ignore it. brandon just keeps telling me that i'm being dumb by not wearing shoes because i'm going to fuck up my feet and i'm automatically shortening the list of places i'm allowed to go. and i understand that it's a liability and a health issue...... but really, i don't give a fuck. you should feel my callouses!!! they are quite impressive. and it's one of the only things that brightens my day. so i'm sorry, world, but i hate you. deal with my fucking bare feet and leave me alone! one day you'll wonder where i went to. and it will be too late.
so leroy just came home with a big bundle of delicious stolen food. yes! all the soy milk in the world will soon be in my belly! bwahahahaha you just wait.

happy list returns!!!

-when something you've assumed is artificial turns out to be real
-drunk haircuts with rachel
-atcha bakery
-mud
-pesto
-the art party
-leroy is making me a spinach sandwich
-spanwiches
-spinietzche
-awesome readings for sociology class
-trading clothes
-bare feet
-sharing
-cat hat from brittany
-looking/feeling like a cartoon
-wine from the bottle
-so much music i can't say

listening to: rakiim some kind of rap "mricophone fiend"

i'm drinking draft root beer, am in a wonderful mood, and am preparing to blog to you the joys and trials of my thanksgiving holiday. hooray for long alanna postage. (hopefully. if you're laylee.)
wednesday: i went to bed shortly after i blogged, around 3, after said AWESOME conversation time with tarah and aj. what amazing kids. i'm so lucky to have the friends i do. plus, it had been a while since i've really talked to either of them, and it was sort of funny how the conversations were sometimes in a really similiar vein and sometimes totally dissimilar. i clambered into bed and unlocked my window, having promised eileen that i would. i told her she could come play at our house while we were gone, and i didn't think she'd actually come but it was something of a priniciple. i fell asleep listening to vespertine which made me really happy. unfortunately, i forgot to take it out of the cd player for the trip in the morning.
thursday: i was woken up far too early for my poor body. on the way to jackson, i listened to fiona apple and slept. i always forget how short granny is. i guess it's really her 'fault' that i'm so short -- her eye level is at my chest. (no wonder she is constantly talking about my figure.) we had a short little break before the actual thanksgiving meal, and the normal post-dinner talking. mom usually leaves the first, to go take her nap. this time morgan left too. dad, granny, and i talked a while. well. granny told her same old stories, and we listened, and granddaddy sat at the other end of the table very silent. what can i say? they're strange little old southern baptist people. i left a message on sallis's cell phone, since he was in town the same time as me and i thought it'd be cool to see him while we were stuck in jackson. i also called brock, but he was just sitting down to a movie. so i watched i love the 80s strike back with my familia before brandon called, demanding my help on his christmas wish list. i really didn't help at all, but we got to talk so that was cool. then brock called, and i talked to him for 15 minutes longer than i was supposed to, but it was really good to talk to him all the same. unfortunately, i ran down my phone's battery like a mutha and i forgot to bring my chargie thing. oh well. after we got off the phone, i watched dumb vh1 shows with dad and morgan until i nearly fell asleep on the couch staring at miss apple bottoms.
friday: hooray for eggs and biscuits and bacon and real breakfasts! after eating we headed over to barnes and noble for book shopping. i was excited about going but when we got there i didn't really know what i wanted to do there. i ended up at the newstand looking for a new music magazine. dad and i collectively bought cmj new music, magnet, and the new rolling stone featuring top 500 albums of all time. we took morgan home, with a huuuuge stack of books she got for her friends for christmas, and then dropped off mom at tj maxx. dad and i went to the cd sale at circuit city, where i bought AFI and flogging molly. guilty pleasures like a mutha. i'm actually considering giving the flogging molly to someone as a present... but i've just blogged it HAHA and that means i could only give it to brock now. but who else would want it? oh well. maybe i won't give it away. phh. dad got the smiths and the rolling stones. mom got wrapping paper. morgan took a nap. we spent the rest of the day mulling over and arguing with the rolling stone top 500. i made everyone write down the ones they owned. it wasn't very interesting, but there was nothing else to do. and i love lists and patterns and things, so. apwoghiwgopeh obsessive alanna aoiwghepioghoahi. today brock and i were talking about how hard it is to find your real love job in life and actually be able to do it. there's so much pressure to find it that it's really hard to actually notice when it's there, you're so busy looking. the only thing that i just absolutely love with no inhibitions is music... but not the playing of it. i don't really know. brock says he could see me doing the tech stuff, like 'recording engineer'-wise, i guess. or i could do music videos maybe. or just ... buy cds and work at mcdonalds. then again i'd have to like. live in my car, to have enough money to buy albums anyway. agowiphpogihw i'm so offtrack. we watched interview with the vampire at midnight, and that's all that matters. oh i did get to talk to sallis briefly. we talked about hanging out after dinner, but he didn't get home until 9 so he couldn't call back. too bad.
saturday: i woke up to the sound of granny's tv with a really bad headache. i got up because i couldn't lie in the bed any longer, and went to lie on the couch with mom instead. i had some cheerios. went back to the couch. dad gave me an advil, and mom rubbed my back a lot, which made me really happy. the headache got no better. i had another advil. i went back to the bed, where i stayed for a damn long time. we were supposed to leave at 2 today, but dad didn't want to wake me up when i was feeling so bad. they had to, eventually, and we stumbled out of jackson around 3. as we were driving away, i put on my headphones, siamese dream by smashing pumpkins. it is by no means a quiet album, but it automatically sent away my headache. i really don't understand it. i don't know why i hadn't tried that already, since i know music does that to me sometimes. the album ended, and i played some my bloody valentine before we stopped in grenada for fooooood for me, having slept through lunch. when we got back in the car, my headache was creeping back in so i put on live through this by hole, and everything was back to good. i love that album. so i also played celebrity skin just to make sure i packed it in. it was a nice drive; i didn't sleep at all.
we were in downtown memphis around 6, and i finally checked my messages on my near-dead phone. i had a simple one from brock, but i was glad that he left it since he usually doesn't leave messages but he knows i get annoyed when people don't leave them. hooray for that. i had an awesome one from brandon telling me that frosty the snowman was on tv and i was going to miss it. when we got home, mom ordered pizza before i called brock. he had some relatives over and was expected to stay at home, so we couldn't hang out. i didn't feel like calling around because i figured everyone would be busy. so brock and i just had a nice long phone conversation. unforunately, he was ripped prematurely out of it by his mother for reasons still unknown to me. too bad. actually, if we didn't get kicked off the phone we would never stop talking, i'm sure. i think every single conversation we've had, someone has stopped it other than us. okay, maybe there were some "shitload of homework" or "i'm busy" ones. but still. moving on. i had some pizza. sat around online. watched trailers for the director's series, which i'm really excited about. (i'm assuming that my family is giving at least one to me for christmas.) watched degrassi with morgan. talked to some kids online. this is about it.
oh i commented on ted's blog. i'm afraid becca will be mad because she had a very specific thing about him not knowing that we read it... but i know i'd be really annoyed if someone was reading my blog and i had no idea. plus, tarah has been saying very good things about him. and apparently he told her i'm very honest and sincere. i appreciate that a lot, especially since he thinks i hate him. i really don't hate him, though. tarah thinks we'd get along... hahaa. you never know.

listening to: AFI - bleed black
(have i ever mentioned i ADORE davey havok?!)

today was really good. man, though, my blog is totally dying. ughh i can't keep this up. oh well.
today was the cooper-young festival. i sat around the house, sort of trying to find someone to go with all day long. i knew that a lot of people had wanted to go, but couldn't for various reasons. (katherine d, sallis, laylee, brock were stuck at home with school bullshit. ew.) but i didn't want to go alone and then wonder around for my entire life trying to find them. but that's what i ended up doing. dad dropped me off near first congo, and very shortly after i ran into morgan (sister, not fox) with a couple of her friends (sara/foot and duncan). we walked around for a while. morgan had seen tarah a while earlier, who wrote her cell phone number (and "i love you!") on some little piece of paper for me. i called her, and eventually found her at java. we didn't really get to hang out, because foot was trying to find her mom and i was still walking around with them for god knows what reason. i saw zoë and miranda briefly, which was nice. we accumulated a larger group of 8th and 9th graders that i didn't know and stood around doing things that weren't very interesting for morgan and me, for a while. so morgan and i were like "okay let's go to bella sun" and i swear i thought everyone was following us... i guess not. so we ended up watching that all alone, but they were great of course. they played with a BAND, too. (well drums and bass. you know.) it was really interesting. jesus christ frank black is so sexy when he sings in spanish. or when he sings in english. or when he breathes. so at the very end of the set, elise, lauren d, and alice arrived. it was somewhat distracting. oh well. HANGWIRE! we stood around and talked for a bit. oh yeah, leah's dad recognized me from like. the one time we met, and he talked to me about film and dauchsands and black vs white rap. a funny little man. funny because i might not have recognized him if i didn't love this picture katherine d took of him. i love it because it's just like. some old guy grinning in front of tombs. aahaha. my humor needs a sound check. (that was a pretty good pun, if i do say so myself.) anyway. then mutant spacebats of doom played. i liked the hi-tone show better, because it was longer and much more rock n roll, and there were some tech issues as well as more obvious fumblings of the band today. (and by the way, those are SOOOO my mp3s on their website. hell yes! i wish they'd credited me. how much an i ask, though? you can hear me and co. screaming and sometimes speaking through the tracks.) but you know me, i still danced like a crazy fool ass this afternoon. it was fun. after that, i walked to java cabana with elise, alice, and lauren. suddenly foot appeared, who morgan had been looking for ever since we lost them before bella sun. she and morgan were leaving, and i thought they were going home, which apparently they weren't. but i think foot's mom was meant to be my ride-ish. so i was like well i don't want to go home, elise would you mind dropping me off when you guys leave? and she made the gaggy creep ass noise and said she couldn't because she didn't know what her plans for later were. this made no sense to me. i wasn't asking to come along, i was just asking if she could take me home after she left co-yo. but anyway i was like "fuck this, i don't want to beg to hang out with someone who (a) obviously didn't want me to stick around and (b) i wasn't having a marvelous time with in the first place." so fuck that shit. i went outside, because morgan and foot had already stepped out, but they had disappeared. so i was entirely without a ride. at that point it was obvious that i wasn't going to go back in and beg for a ride from elise. i decided instead to just hang out alone until dad could come get me. but amazingly enough, i happened to walk back towards the spacebats show, and i ran into elizabeth, jenny, and rocio. i started to hang out with them, before i decided to call my dad, but elizabeth said she'd take me home anyway. we walked around and listened to a little bit of another bad, outside first congo. we saw morgan (fox, this time). i love that man. he came over and gave me a very good hug, with his glitter and silly sunglasses. then we walked around some more, ran into christie and katherine warren for the second, brief time. we ended up going in a big circle, to find ice cream. there were a couple times when we saw elise walking around with other people. we once made a half-assed attempt to catch up to her, but that didn't really work out. and we didn't really want to hang out with some friends she'd made at theatre whatever or elementary school or bridgebuilders or whever these happened to be from. but it's weird, to think about it now, that it this "oh, there goes elise." thing, which, if i had seen her with ANYONE last year, i would've sprinted a block to catch up. well not that i would've been able to see her a block away, in the middle of cooper-young festival. but you know what i mean. oh well, things change. and i had a great time anywa. anyway, we asked this old guy where he got his damn ice cream. turned out to be just across the street from java. he offered us the rest of his, though HAHAHA. and just as i was buying my large $3 vanilla/chocolate swirl cone (with a damn $20 bill, too. what an ass am i.) my fucking phone rang. it's really hard to balance like four things at once in only some two hands. but anyway it was BROCK. we just sort of talked for a few minutes, because i assumed that he wasn't able to get out of the house yet. i guess i thought it was earlier in the day than it was, or something (like 5:30). but i randomly was like "you need to be here, to look at all the pretty people with us." (ben siler was walking by.) and so he did. and it was good. and god made cheese. yum yum yum. while we were sitting by that damn M restaurant at the cooper-young intersection, christie and katherine w again made an appearance, but this time they actually stuck around. so we were all sitting around waiting for the beautiful brock to arrive. it was exciting. at one point, i realized it was like 5:50 and he was supposed to be there, so i walked around to see if he'd sat down someplace on the other side of the gazebo. i was just walking along and this guy was randomly like "can i take your picture?" i said "sure" and accidentally assumed my picture pose thing, when i sort of put my weight on one foot and do an unintentional hip-jut. i'm afraid i looked assy, but i don't really care. he was just like "okay" and ran off after that, though. it was interesting, to say the least, because i was definitely not one of the strangest-looking people there. maybe i was the happy medium he was looking for? HAHA no too ugly for that. anyway, brock wasn't there. so i went back to the groupity, to find russell standing there among them. he was wearing double plaid and thrift, and he is funny. i like him. he danced crazy with me at battle of the bands. that is a meaningful experience. he gives me hugs too, which i adore, because hugs are my favorite thing. anyway, brock eventually showed up, fashionably late. i was excited to see him, of course, but instead of just doing my stupid little normal standing there and not showing any excitability at all thing, i jumped around and gave him a huge running hug, which turned into a moviesque spinning hug, in which (because of my smallness) i was lifted off the ground and spun and spun. it was something like a kevin bird-flight thingie, only not so flighty in the airness, and more huggity. i've never hugged brock around his neck, probably, because it's too far away. oh well.
advantages of smallness: being really easy to spin around, therefore getting spun around all the time mostly on accident
disadvantages of smallness: hard to see a damn thing. but concerning human contact, it's impossible to reach a tall person's upper body. so it would be ridiculous if one attempted to hug a tall person's neck, or hit their fucking head without it taking 20 minutes and depriving you the option of surprise attack, or spontaneously kiss them, unless you're aiming for their stomach.

soon after that, becca and william appeared. becca and i had a gloriously long hug and somewhere in the middle of it, we fell over?? i'm not really sure how that happened, but we ended up lying on the sidewalk for a while laughing. it was fun. she was wearing no shoes, which i thought was a very dumb idea. because i grew up in cooper-young. but oh well she is hardcore, what can i say? she told william that i have wife qualities and made him touch my hips. it was interesting. he had to bend over to hug me. it was really really funny. since he was bent, i was then able to hug his neck. exciting. i have never done such a funny hug. he also ended up picking me up, and it was very nice. i wish everyone would do that. william also said that i am papoose worthy. hell yes. so eventually, they skipped merrily away. we sat around and people watched. fucking TOSH walked by. i don't know if he still goes to white station. probably not. his persona is so anti-last year. then he was goth ski-boots motherfucker, now he's indie dreads kid. odd transformation, but it would be interesting to talk to him again. stranger still, a few seconds after he walked by, CLIFF (his sidekick from last year's first semester b-lunch) walked in the other direction. christie, katherine, and i were like "fucking cliff!!!" he sat on our table on like the second week of school, when we still sat inside, and broke that damn thing. no wonder we started sitting outside, we were trying to escpe the wrath of cliff+tosh. what a team. anyway, the three of us ran after that motherfucker. he was wearing this big purple hat, and i don't know how we managed to, but somehow we lost him. it was sad. but on our way down cooper, we saw a beautiful boy so we went and stood next to him for like 5 minutes. it was fun. he was really fucking pretty. the prettiest boy at the whole festival. and too bad we are the only 3 who got to see that pretty damn boy. so we mosied back over to the rest of the group, who were standing around with lauren, sophie, jeff, elise, and possibly some of elise's other friends? christie and katherine took off, elise and co. took off, and jenny and rocio went to walk around while elizabeth, brock, lauren, jeff, sophie, and i had dinner at young ave deli. it was not crowded, which i was surprised, but very pleased, to see. i had a cheeseburger because they weren't serving my favorite hot dog dish on the menu, because of the festival and the crowd and whatnot. wahhh. brock and i hung out by the jukebox, which felt very Rock. i reenacted the kill hannah jukebox moment, that was exciting. we picked "debaser," "a day in the life," and "jungle boogie." what a playlist. unfortunately, we had to leave before they played them. aww. it was an okay dinner, but really short compared to what i'm used to. lauren had to get picked up, though, or something. jeff and sophie didn't order anything, because they weren't hungry anyway. it was strange. sophie hugged me though, and said things like "i love you! i miss you! i need to see you more often!" which was really funny to me. i barely said but 3 words to her through the whole thing, i think, which wasn't really on purpose but i probably should've been nicer. jeff seems like a nice guy, but i always get the impression that he's just simply being a nice guy by being wherever he is, rather than "i'm having fun here." i just haven't seen him in the right situations, i guess. maybe that dinner just felt especially short because i was nowhere near done eating when we left. i had like 30 gazillion fries left, even though they were really damn good. i also had half a fucking hamburger and an entire coke (no refill, either). we started walking along cooper, towards union, when we spotted william and becca again. i think lauren had already disappeared, by then, and after a couple minutes of talking brock was like "alanna how are we getting home?" (and by home, he meant my house. i LOVE it that he invites himself over. i LOVE that. to me, that is pure closeness with someone. when you assume that you're going to be with them all day long, until someone makes you leave. i love it.) anyway. william VERY CHEERILY volunteered. i was really surprised, because lately i have heard some things about his stand-offishness towards becca's friends. and he did that big gushery smile, which is actually very cute. it was very happy. elizabeth, jenny, and rocio kind of disappeared, i don't remember any formal goodbye ceremonies. william and becca were leaving c-y at the same time, anyway, so it wouldn't REALLY have mattered who took us back home, except it did. it really made the rest of the night, if you know what i mean. it dealt that damn deck. it closed that damn deal. it was fucking good. william had parked in a REALLY WEIRD spot, that was blocks and blocks away from the north block-off on cooper. when we lived on felix, we just walked from home obviously. (felix is one street over from young.) we've normally just parked on felix in years since. parking on the west side of cooper just makes much more sense to me. but william had parked like. i don't know. it was insane. it was right next to east parkway, only blocks and blocks from the actual festival. and he got a ticket for parking there anyway. ANYWAY i'm not complaining about the walk, because it was quite exciting. brock threw this wad of my never-ending hamburger at william and he refused to believe that it wasn't me. he had a big ketchup on his back too. ahha oh funny. i had a lot of fun being silly with william tonight. it was nice, and i enjoyed his company lots. i pelted becca with little bits of hamburger. not ketchupy ones, though. she had on a very nice shirt, with a little strappy back thing. and at some point i think her feet were hurting (barefootness) so william piggy-backed her the rest of the way. for some reason, brock was carrying my coke (which got more spilled than sipped) and he started to flick it on becca's back. she was like "it's raining!!" all cute and happy. it was really funny. i died laughing. ohh i'm mean. oh well, it was too much fun. so william tried to take a detour to my house. he said it was "the long way" anyway, but he was trying to avoid the traffic for some huge game that was happening. we ended up in ghettoville. we got laughted at and dissed by more black people than you could count on all your limbs. it was great fun. to counter the rap attack of the surrounding windows-down vehicles, we blasted yeah yeah yeahs, dandy warhols, squirrel nut zippers, and an assortment of strange ethnic songs. though we were taking the detour, we were still stuck in AWFUL traffic for like 6 blocks of pain. it was so much fun. william played a cover of "mr. grieves" for me by this band called TV on the Radio. i've heard stories that he's very snobbish about music in his car and usually refuses to tell people the names of bands he's listening to. i don't know, but that was NOT the case tonight. i loved the cover, and he played at least one other song by the band. i really liked it, said so, and he told me he'd make me a copy of the cd. when he dropped us off at my house (finally) he actually handed me his cd though. it was really nice. also, as soon as brock and i got out of the car, it started to rain. so we ended up dancing in it for like 20 minutes. it was too much fun. we attempted to tango down my driveway, and brock mutilated his foot. i didn't think he was as hurt as implied by the bruise he sported later in the evening, however. poor brock's foot. i'm sending my good karma to that piece of shit. anyway we danced all around the driveway, ran down the street, jumped around in the beautiful light of a streetlamp, and splashed around in this great, massive, deep puddle that always forms across the street from my house in a dip in the road. it was great. not only did brock sing shakira and shake his ass, he dragged me down the driveway twice. we attempted a leg-lift thing. fwhaha. hijinx ensue. and they were great. rain is too much fun. we came inside absolutely soaking. somehow my family didn't even notice that we'd been at home for a while, and they didn't question our wetness at all. they just assumed that we got THAT wet coming from the car into the house i guess. ahahaha oh well. i didn't say anything about dancing around outside because it felt like something too special to just proclaim like that, i guess. it was really beautiful though. i want to swing dance. i love the feeling of being wet and i love how people look when they're wet, especially at night and wearing their normal clothes. to me, it's just so eerie and out of place-ish that it makes them resemble pixies or something, i don't know. it's just otherworldly. i don't know how to explain it. but i love the feeling of being wet, still, in the big comfiness of the dry house, in dry clothes, but still essentially very wet. the comfy feeling might have also come out of the fact that i put on my pajamas and everything. brock had to borrow my dad's shorts HAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAH anyway i had wanted to have another windowsill kinda night, but that wasn't going to happen what with the rain. we ended up falling into the coziness of the couch, because that really did feel like the appropriate place to exist, with our wet. morgan and mom were about to watch "blow dry" which the family minus morgan had watched last night. i didn't mind seeing it again, it was a fun movie. featuring josh hartnett the fetus. we had popcorn, which is always very happy because i'm still not used to our genius new microwave. i was glad that brock's mom let him stay for the whole movie. at one point, dad was like "so, brock, are you spending the night?" and usually when he makes silly, off comments/questions they annoy me. but that one made me happy, just knowing that it wouldn't have been an issue for my parents, even if it is for his. and i wish it wasn't. the night would've been perfect times 10 if he could have. it had the comfy feeling that spending the night would've been just heavenly. oh well, we have a lot of homework to do tomorrow, so even if his parents weren't Issued, they might not have let him. before he left, we looked around for his lost wallet but had no luck. unfortunate. he needs to go get his new permit so that he can get his license before they run away and leave us for cordova's skank ass. oh yeah, good time speech auditions are tomorrow. PLEASE guys, come try out. this play is going to be fun and strange, and they need lots of people for it. ahaha i don't even know if i'm going to go yet. but pleeeease go. i guarantee a great time, whether or not you're really into theatre (which i am NOT). uhh. i can't think of anything nice to say to end this post.
today i appreciated my shortness and group-hopped lots and loved to dance. i've been drinking this root beer for fucking 4 hours or something. okay literally more like .... 4. ahahah shit.

listening to: squirrel nut zippers - ghost of stephen foster

just can't leave that dog alone

last night, laylee and i went to bookstar. we looked at the mammoth book of erotica or whatever, but it was really terrifying. we looked at other photography books, like this one with photographs all of women (some of them were famous and some of them were just normal people). it was pretty cool, but we didn't like the pictures of the government women because they looked so posed. then we walked to turtle's and looked at CDs we couldn't buy. actually, i had $10 so i could have bought something used but i didn't really see much of anything. laylee remembered that she had to return her movies to blockbuster that night, so she called her brother on her cell but he wouldn't take them. we called kevin to see if we could attack him, and elise answered his cell phone.
elise: where are you?
me: turtle's.
elise: turtle's music? do we know where that is? ....ok don't move. you can breathe, but don't move.
and so a few minutes later, she and kevin and robin goodwin showed up. we hung out at turlte's for a little while longer, before piling into kevin's car and going to my house. (the ride in the back seat was very intimate, as i was squished between laylee and robin.) at my house, i just ran in to tell my dad who i was with and that he didn't have to pick me up, and i grabbed the camera. we decided to go to java cabana, which turned out to be closed, so we just walked around cooper-young, and then further down cooper. i got some good footage, but some of it is REALLY dark since they didn't want me to use the night shot the whole time. i filmed a lot of the backs of kevin, elise, laylee, and robin as i walked behind them. we got some nice conversation footage. some dancing. elise jumping on kevin's back. pretending to pet the cats through the glass at house of mews. the monkees walk. elise filmed the cute guy who works at black lodge (video store). the weirdest part of the evening was when we were standing in this empty parking lot place, on cooper. the place that's filled with children's games at the cooper-young festival. (yes, i pretended that i was on the moon bounce thing.) and uh. there were three people walking by and elise yelled "can we interview you?" and they were like "sure" and they came over and elise told them we didn't really have any questions. after a couple seconds i realized that one of them was morgan, from the our own voice production of the play "spurt of blood." i was trying to think of a quote i could say from the play that would show i knew who he was but the only thing i could think of was "SHOW ME YOUR TITS" and that wouldn't have been very appropriate. you know, though, i always end up seeing morgan everywhere. like once he was at my school for some reason. and i see him at bus stops sometimes, and outside blockbuster. once i saw him at otherlands (where he apparently works) and i said, "hi, morgan!" because i forgot he didn't know me. he was kinda like "...hi?" because my dad and my sister were the ones in a play with him, not me. i forgot i guess. anyway, the other guy said that they were watching entries for a film festival thing and elise asked what movies they were about to watch. they said they didn't know the titles, but they'd just watched one called romeo and juliet revisited. and if you didn't know. that's the movie katherine, brittany, morgan, and i made for katherine and i's english extra credit assignment. katherine entered it in the film festival for god knows what reason, but i had nothing to do with it. that just about killed me of embarassment. it was very very very weird. it was a wild and wacky night.

Nabikichan086: hell, i didnt think you'd be this crazy when i first met you