damn dumb

i've opened a beer but i'm out of lives on candy crush and also on two dots and that means i have to find something new to look at on the phone or try to be in my body in 20 minutes or however long it actually takes to drink a beer - does anyone know?
i'm sick with shuffle playing love songs. i want the passion but not the subject.
i tell myself it's okay, today is so and so, this isnt time to quit or even abstain. as if the day exists. what a fiction ! does adderall make my memory worse? could it get any worse?
(maybe i didn't know before... i'm not good at remembering the specifics but i can feel changes - or maybe i was always doing these physical things but my brain was pinballing so fast i didn't take the time to observe the physical stuff except every now and then? (oh wait your toes have been crunched up for maybe 30 minutes and it doesn't feel so great.))


like instead of the swarm of bees buzzing thoughts that i could maybe grab or maybe watch fly away, i just see the thing in front of me. look hi this thing. i do thing. i do it hard i do it good i do it so much and okay i'll stop after this part is done but also i need to do the next part so after that part but then there's this part so after this but wait another... and so on. a fixated distraction. i cannot be still. i do not know how to be still. driving today with loads of furniture back and forth from the old house to the new, i can't not be doing more than driving - one hand has to leave the steering wheel to [[touch]] my head, push the hair, rub my temple, i don't know how to describe accurately the circular motion my hand has to make. and if today i tried to still my hands, i felt my toes curl and crunch inside my shoes against the gas pedal, it's a feeling and it isn't so bad? today i notice i feel especially disoriented driving and when i wonder why, when i let myself remember for two minutes, i remember today is the anniversary of the day that chris crashed his truck ("sober") into a streetlight and called me during the fec meeting and i drove all the way to virginia to "rescue" him (and the day after was a hard one too aka trauma bonding and cycles of violence). the body doesn't forget. but where was i one year ago? it's brett's birthday. i ask him and he doesn't remember last year either. maybe that's for the better?

for the second time tonight, sitting here in this car aka my porch and tapping on this screen, i lift my beer too quickly?? or i don't know, something i do something wrong so that the whole mouth overflows with foam and suddenly i've got a liquid lap. (and earlier i wondered how my cds got sticky - what a laugh.) am i going too fast or is the world too slow? why is it only sometimes? am i more of a wreck than the mess i expose? maybe it's something in the way i swing the beer maybe it's a thing about the bubbles wanting air maybe there's tumbles in the world that's turning near maybe youll stumble and know you were never here
wish you could kiss the open spot on the beak wish i could dream of a future not so bleak wish i could see like a snake and never blink wish you could forget your cage and come and see
when there's picnics in the peanut train the rest all come to see
the dining car all full of rain the mist of disbelief
the sad sob of a midnight howl the rest under the reef
the crab crawl every waking hour you turn and toss beneath
every sip then a mission
every ship then a kiss in
every sup in your kitchen
you couldn't not know what was coming
you didn't see the day that was dawning
you couldn't not do what you always
you rustled the scuffle all anyway
it's gone and done and fine and no one remembers
well no one remembers quite the same
i insist that he only smashed walls and
he was down to get dirty you claim
and when you claim what can i say when i lost so completely that i fell into each day with such nothing surrounding that it was time to take the drive off 1-95 and look alive look alive one last time but every day that thought replayed and i blamed what i saw as problems in my brain but it wasn't until way later that i realized the real instigator was my piece of shit boyfriend legal name chris mather, he had come down smooth but landed like a firecracker, he blamed it all on his gone father, couldn't take no for an answer couldn't have friends coming over unless to hear his own banter blah blah blah this motherfucker would barely every shut up unless he thought that you'd done something wrong then you'd get the silent treatment day and night to infinity and he cant find words to talk about his feelings when he's in the lead