the more i think about it
good fuxking luck diagnosing me
i know i have tendencies in whatever symptom direction you wanna say
but how're you plannin to parse this ?shit
listen
i mean
it's not like y'all didn't try yr best
but HA how i get a different acronym for every different day i come in

it's funny haha like
i receive the diagnosis - oh yes it's chemical, it's hereditary -
and i can start to draw the line all the way back, sure
it can make sense any way you look at it
if you want it to



first of all
i chain smoke in the car
bc i don't wanna go in and out of the house.
it's not my house. i'm paranoid. i try to play quiet mouse.
sometimes tomorrow i'm so sure of my failure, my not good enough ness, my LIAR LIAR tries, surely they know and they hate it and me and there's so many secrets in this family
so i hide in my cave and i cry to my phone and the day is a waste in a trap of my own
bc fuxking of course when i finally come out
there's nothing that's changed or charged, there's no doubt
that i'm doing the best that i possibly can with all that i have which is mostly
nine books' worth of psycho prophesying
a list of letters that scramble and giggle to me

listen
look
i can see
now i know i have adhd
and those of us with this thing
have a habit of interrupting
oh
is that why my whole family shouts and sings ?
is that why our language comes out in screams ?
how we talk with each other like birds in a roost
constant, in & under, our southern mouths loose
and now that i'm out in a public environment
i'm told it's a symptom of the disease i inhabit
and oh
and oops
and duck
and
and
and
and it's true that it's happening when i don't want it to
it's true that i'm listening but my words want in too
and i swear they're only there because i think i'm only responding
not that i'm interrupting or not listening to you talking
where i come from we're talking sitting around the roost
we're yelling and we're laughing and our tongues are wagging loose
there's no such thing as silent circles or crowds to praise you alone
if it ain't loud, i don't want it
i need ravens in the home

it's not entirely true but it sure does make a good story. i'm trying to say. i'm trying to say i don't mean to be mean when i interrupt.
i see how it throws you and it makes me quake.
i see how it can feel jarring and abrupt to be what you think is cut off
or challenged or bones or piece of hide when someone's saying stuff
as you tell your story or the version that's only allowed when your audience is boring

i know
we know who you think we are

wait wait wait
no
that's not it
this was supposed to be an apology
gravy i can't believe it's already 3
but i gotta keep going
and i don't believe in morning
unless it's dark and no one comes calling



i like the sneak i like the hunt i like to creep i like to haunt