Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts

Saturday, November 11, 2017

what a mess what a mess what a mess. skipped out on being social again. didn't go to yoga. bligh. just feeling awful. on purpose?? can't be good to stay in and watch sexist tv. starting to feel so stuck so stuck. but also some wild thing in my brain is screaming "it's just that you're a visionary!" that's gotta be it. why i can't seem to find words for any of my thought processes or explain what is wrong with everything to my dad. i come off as "disdainful" mama says. i'm paralyzed by judgment - of myself so i can't do anything and of everything else so it's overwhelming and defeating. how do i kill it ???

i want to make myself a schedule and stick to it, as dorky as that sounds. i really think the ADD hyper focus thing is real.

why is there a car idling in the middle of the road right across from me here on my porch? you are not my uber. you aren't for anyone. sounds like a door slamming and it drives away slow. am i paranoid or ???? maybe less so after the incident with kat a month ago, where in my driveway the man banged on her window and demanded a ride or else he was gonna get shot. my paranoia made me say no. we drove around for half an hour and then she sat and wouldn't leave me until 4am just in case.

my left breast has been hurting bad all day. it's been tender all week. is it just a weird period or something else? googling this shit doesn't help.

i'm pretending again that i'm cutting down with smokes but i'm kidding myself. i have a few good days then some event excuses me.

roll herbal smokes goddammit
work on the papers

lord so many other things on this list i can't remember. where the fuck do the days go ??????

last night i stayed up too late angry and drinking and finally wrote that call out about gratz on halloween. today i had to wake up at 9am bc apparently i'm slow as business at doing anything so midday dog visits on five hours of sleep. i felt hungover and grouchy but i still sang to them. i got home at 1245 intending to nap but i read chris mccoy's write up in the flyer and my energy was restored. spent the rest of the day trying to figure out the wordpress mess i made of the concrete website and whether it's fixable before finally dad stopped it with pizza and netflix. what a grouch i am. but it's still true that steven universe is the only show on tv worth anything. except adventure time. okay.

mama was ridiculous today, probably not on purpose. cracking me up all over the place. my number one clown mentor for sure.

gotta read that clown book
guided mediation and that other body stuff

make a fuxking schedule that includes reading time
i can't stand this nothing nonsense

Friday, November 10, 2017

rage share

i went to my favorite cozy dive bar on halloween bc i didn't feel like being around a ton of people (still in recovery and feeling social anxiety constantly lately) and we were having a great time in the practically empty bar. after a while a bunch of folks showed up after a concert ended, the vibe in the bar changed a little but it was still chill, singing with the jukebox and making fun of horror movies on tv. then the door swung upon and i heard a voice i hadn't heard in years... i tried to convince myself it was someone else. i looked my bff in the eyes and said "please tell me this is not happening" but it didn't click instantly for them. it wasn't until the dude sat behind my friend at the bar next to us that they realized it was the person we used to know so well, who dated and cheated on more than one of my best friends, who violated my consent over 10 years ago, whose friends and crushes stay the same age as he gets older, who is now apparently happily married and childrened. oh lovely. i could leave, but i will not let this person ruin my good time. i continue to clown and laugh and make merry. it's halloween and the veil is thin and i'm feeling good. suddenly a hand on my shoulder, a towering oppressive presence which is DUDE, pushing himself between me and my buddy, with, "i know we aren't really friends anymore, but i just wanted to say happy halloween" or some shit. the words become fuzzy in my mind as i try to comprehend what is happening. autopilot kicks in and i'm clinking beers "happy halloween!" attempting to smile, not making eye contact, just hoping he will go away, which he finally does. but he's still there at the bar behind my friend (and mind you, this a tiny fuxking bar the size and shape of a hallway) so i can see when he glances at us and whispers to his date, and when he's surrounded by so many young friends in his crossdress costume. whatever. i don't know this person anymore. he could be anything. i tell loud jokes to the tv and make a fan at the other end of the bar. the night skips on in stops and starts. some moments i'm fine, i'm glorious, and others i'm staring into the ash tray, begging my friend, "please talk to me, just say anything" trying not to fall into the abyss i'm dancing the edge of. staying is dangerous territory. when the night is near done, me and my bud are counting our quarters and trying to remember how many beers we had, when the bartender says "oh don't worry about it." we don't know what to do but stare at him. what do you mean? "oh DUDE just paid for your beers, don't worry about it." i don't know what to say or where to look. my friend starts to try to argue but i think i must've told them not to worry about it bc i didn't want to draw more attention to ourselves. i'm just blank, gone. i can still feel DUDE in the room. i know i'm being weird. to leave would mean walking right past him. plus i'm still finishing this beer. it feels like forever, we're all just sitting at the bar in silence. some part of my brain is telling me, "just smile, just say thank you" to cut the tension, but i know that would be a lie and i resist the urge to "make things nice." finally finally finally his date comes out of the bathroom and they leave. IMMEDIATELY the bartender asks "what was that?!?" like we've done something wrong. this is a hard question. i'm still shaken up. i start about how i don't know him now but many people had issues in the past, and i'm interrupted. "you know, the way i see it, if it's been over a year, unless it's rape or murder, there's no reason to be upset anymore." i'm turned into a blustering fool trying to validate my reasons. i reiterate that i don't know what dude is doing now and maybe he's way cool BUT he has violated the consent of many women i know, myself included, and never taken accountability for it. the bartender keeps pushing me to be specific, tell him more because it's "his bar" and he has to "keep people safe" and therefore i "have to tell" him what happened. this is a lot. this is so much. each time i start a sentence, he interrupts me. i tell him i'm speaking slowly because this is hard but he keeps interrupting me, "just tell me!" and i finally crack. i can't take it. i am present enough to say something like "i really shouldn't have to say this but apparently you won't believe me unless i tell you that i was recently diagnosed with PTSD bc of shit he did to me even though i've told you he hurt me and my friends in the past and no i don't know what he's about now so i'm not saying you need to kick him out of the bar forever, so i don't know what more you need to know." and i get some response like "see that's all i was asking for" like it was so easy and i only made it harder on myself. it gets pretty fuzzy. i feel like hell. i get home and keep drinking not to think. i feel like i can't ever go back there. i am afraid to go out at all anymore, either bc i will run into the DUDE and also bc it feels like people are so unsupportive of survivors. blahhhh. do yall have suggestions for how you handle these kinds of encounters and feelings?

Monday, November 06, 2017

a text after four months of nothing

"I've barely scratched the surface of how you must have felt and I feel like giving up."

oh good.
go for it.
you have no idea.
you don't want to know.
i don't believe you.
i don't believe you.
i don't believe you.

giving up on understanding? i thought you already had.

giving up on everything? what's that got to do with me?
first of all, i know it isn't true. second of all, you already claimed this with your last faux guilty message four months ago. "i don't deserve friends. i'm gonna be alone." bullshit. i sometimes wonder how you (or anyone) is capable of flinging so much bullshit. you'll say whatever you need to get your way. you're barely passing as human.
don't you think i've caught on by now? don't you see that the veil was lifted, burned?

why do you suddenly need to feel absolved? why on earth would you pretend to care now? your actions proved that you never did. you knew i went to the loony bin and you never checked in. you don't fucking care and you never did.

what do you want from me?
what the fuck do you want?

you will get exactly what you deserve.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

worst morning

  • cat food on the people plates 
  • someone drank my beer 
  • people tried to change meeting to 7 
  • deuce tells me that unexpected visitor is about to arrive 
  • new can of oogles 
  • cats in the warehouse 
  • Ken doesn't take responsibility when I question oogles in kitchen re: cats
  • later cats are still there. Ken did not talk to them as promised so I have to. 
  • thursday says some anti feminist shit 
  • my room is full of flies 
  • bes brings piglet info pickle house and panics Gracie Lou 
  • dan didn't put gas in my car or tell me that the window is fuxked up 
  • rushing to go to work
  • getting gas takes forever 
  • it's hot as fuck 
  • what am I doing here 
  • where do I belong

Friday, November 06, 2015

thin skin

this is why my thin gs are lost.

this is why i'm not allowed.

i tried to organize the zines and pamplhets; they were in miples that made sense.
i walked away.
i walked away and that's my own fault.
i walked away and came back to a beautiful clean table.
a clean table and all my piles all my attempts to organize dismissed.
why did i ever bother
why did i even exist
i'm sorry that i have to make piles to feel alive. i don't know where to go where that's okay.
i don't know where i can give anything that gets credit.
i want to be yr legit diy librarian.
yr diy archivsit
yr diy therapist

and yet get into an argument:
you need to shave your legs.
OH DO I
i can't understand although she says it's not personal, it isn't me, she would say it to anyone
can i exist even this close to the status quo
YES WE'RE SAYING THESE WORDS
can i exist without being judged?
no. i'm okay with that.
i'm a judge too it's cool.
can i exist without being made a fool?
okay but you decided that'
the clown was the object
how can i be a clown without being destroyed?
that's for the people to decide
you're the joke
you play the part
and see how the audience reacts
you can't decide how it all shakes down

they ask if you know your skin is thin
if you know your size and scale

Friday, September 21, 2012

crumb + crime

some lines tapped out drunk on my phone and high in my room, in a
matter of minutes over a handful of days--

(i'm sorry, you asked.)


carrying you
the broken doubloon
pockets of deception
full and heavy with treasures
cherished or forgotten

funny how we came together as it fell apart
broken from the start, but now scattered
at least a fourth gone forever
and the other smooth slivers tried to lose
but somehow i never do manage to

how much was i holding in?
how long will it take to wash away
near nine years of constant chemicals?
no one warned me:
waves of unchecked estrogens, enzymes wreak havoc on every piece
of my system and knock me off what little stability i rocky rode,
cysts crunch tight ovaries twisting, wrecked
weeks of white knuckles, eight days of thick black blood
birthmarks bleeding and browner than ever
so sore, so much, so tired, so sad
so so done
get me gone

shedding it all
getting rid
the sticky slickness of newly opened fruit
it pains and pours
cant keep anymore
i feell down

couldnt contain it and split my sense
on the pavement spilt my whisky and my mess
but not a drop for you
and fingers that beckon but do not ask
split sick open wide
spilt self all over
cant contain--
i didnt want to
i disjt mean to
he did not ask to take the fruit

they usually dont


and where did i lose you?
between the unealked streets of our interchange
without negotiating the borders of this new land
under a haze of confusion in the cloud of uncertain substance
so how could i find you?
why shouldnt you float
in and out
to and fro
up and down
i coukdnt ever hope to stay
a mess of indecision
a cobweb tangle heartsore

that heart was whole
in my pocket all along
it missed the chance to sing our song

and now my fruit is rancid, rotten
under wilted odor of noxious lovers
who sucked on my spirits and promptly forgot them
greedy plundered all sweet offers

tasting and taking the higher they climbed
entwined in the dance called the rape of the vine

they took as they tasted the best of my wine
they took me down dancing the rape of the vine


why did i assume it was all in the mix?
that the music would speak where the silence kicks?
that they'd stay to sleep when the fruit was picked?
why i’d rather not ask than take the risk
when at every end i’m trapped and tricked

how hungry did you have to get
to try a night with me?
look past the sagging sacks and
maneuver the tangles to get the fruit
this is no courtly quest
there was no love story


and so pulled out the clot and held in my hands
nine years of clear caught love, spent seed
everything i tried to keep
a ball of blood and mucus down the drain
sent off without ceremony
now what do i do with all this feel?
without a stopper or a net
and now, not even any eyes
dumb and blind and come and cry

and what we saw on the deep dark highway
were roads of stars through layers of heavy trees
all that hanging life and sweetness
and there, ahead, still and silent in the middle of the road
the fawn, the wandering grazer, small shy and calm
not the deer in headlights
not a thing but trust
we slow to let her finish, turn and cross back towards us in the dark
not running
not away

the beauty leaves a bitter taste
i want to scream, to get her gone
don't look at us, don't believe
you can't stay here girl
you won't have time to learn

then
two dead doe
and there it is:
every sister, mother
splayed in center
the white lines
straight through
legs broken
necks cracked
i try, but i cant take it back


now the cat in my lap and the wine in my hand
hurting and working without a plan
i won’t tell you how it really ends
you’ll do your best to understand
but wonder why it’s back again


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,mmmmmm
^this is lucha's contribution
can't say i don't agree
you asked
i'm sorry

Saturday, November 21, 2009

should i seek out someone i could keep?

i wish i had weapons.
i feel like smashing something, especially the thing that keeps BEEPBEEPBEEPing every couple of minutes. dorms essentially mean patterns, repetitive sounds, repeated behaviors, i want to smash it all. tonight is violent, not nice. maybe just me.
a dog barks like clock work, one time three times, maybe after cars go by.
i feel like scavenging, but i'm already feeling sick, and i know that will make it worse.
a pile of eleven fingernails collected next to my tea cup. i was doing so well, but i broke. my hands have reverted to their former selves and insist on doing meanness. do nailless pinches hurt worse? some say. say some: i want to know it all.
i came home intending to stay, knowing this was impossible. i think it's time to go.
all i wanted was a haircut.

listening to: the magnetic fields - i thought you were my boyfriend

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

i could not get through september without a battle

today officially feels like fall. walking home from the empower center, i catch hints of roasted marshmallows in the air, that familiar slightly burnt smell that goes with this season. the crisp air felt amazing today, but i am dreading what's coming. morgan says it finally feels like wilson, because so much of our time here is spent bundled up against the cold. it's almost hot chocolate time, i guess that's comforting. something about this weather has made me decide that sitting around my room in a sweater and underwear is a great idea. i think it is, even though my toes are a little cold.
today, sophie asked me how i'm doing, and when my response was hesitant and unsure, she said "oh yeah, your mood always corresponds to the weather!" she's very right. even though i maybe felt a little off today, i was welcoming of the change. i am so ready for this month to be over, for this little section of my life to be done, to move on, somehow. i'm not sure how to accomplish this. perhaps i need a self-help book, or a professional. for now, i will stick to my own program: tea, tickles, phil elvrum. throw in some reflective emails for good measure... but how to let go of so much outrage?

listening to: the microphones - the glow, pt. 2

Thursday, September 27, 2007

anger makes me a modern girl

i just went to the OR for lunch and got kicked out for being barefoot. "health hazard" my ass! it's more likely that i would get gangrene from their floor than that i would give them herpes or something..... well maybe that's what they meant.
either way, i'm annoyed. but i made py buy my food. hahaaa!
last night at 4am i was sinking fast... just a veritable puddle of tears. and i was writing in this little notebook that i'm supposed to have filled up by 3:30 for class today, and i just said to myself, you know what? fuck this. no more crying about this shit. and i stopped! it was kind of amazing. so i went to bed angry and enlightened instead of sad and weepy. good news, maybe.
i might post some of my little thoughts from that notebook. it's debatable.
is anyone reading this?
i've gotta go finish reading "death of a salesman." wish me luck on the quiz!

Monday, September 24, 2007

everything that's breathing is also busying dying

so i was intending to post once i had some pictures and/or video to include with the text.... but yeah, it's not happening and you'll just have to wait.
what can i say? school's been back in session for a few weeks now... it's actually going okay. this is largely due to the fact that i changed my major back to english lit on the second day of classes. ha! take that, science, i could not stomach thee. my schedule looks like this:
MWF 10:30-11:20 Honors Biblical Literature
MWF 11:30-12:20 Modern Short Fiction
MWF 1:30-??? working at the library
W 8:30-10:10am Video Writing and Directing
TR 2-3:15 World Theatre II
TR 3:30-4:45 Intro to Creative Writing
and i generally work on tuesday and thursday morning as well. i got a raise! $7/hr baybee oh yeahhhhh. freaking rolling in it!!
and where does the money go, you ask?
well, this past week most of it went to drugs. i have been sick with bronchitis and it is awful. rite aid has my paycheck. other than that.. we buy a few groceries (the ones we don't glean in other ways), some toilet paper, and a good bit of beer. at least two people are drunk in the house every day. are we wasting away? perhaps. are we loving it? sometimes. are we considering another path? not really. so far everything is going as well as it could, i suppose.
realize i say this about a home that is haunted, filled with drama, and loaded with tension i could eat with a whole loaf of bread. it is ridiculous. on saturday, py confronted mal in the only way he knows how:
"so when are you moving out?"
yikes. he doesnt know her like the rest of us... yes, she has made a lot of promises she hasnt kept. she says this time is different. and yes, she's said that a thousand times before. but now she's got AA meetings every night and drug testing once a week starting in october. i just hate that we didnt have a real house meeting, and come to a decision TOGETHER rather than just sort of poking around and being rude and giving the poor girl a week to move out.... but the drugs, the monetary choices, the disappearances of stuff within our own home.. these things never stopped, even when we saw her improving. so i dont know, this is what it's come to. i can't say i'm thrilled but honestly i dont know what to say at all.
i dont even want to get into the sex drama. all i can say is that it's no fun to be sitting there bored when you are pretty positive that whoever is having sex in the room next door. especially when you have been looking forward to seeing this person for months and then they just come over to fuck your roommate, apparently. am i wrong here, or does that suck a little? either way, i recognize that this is my jealous, possessive side coming out... and oh, how it comes out. it chooses the worst ways, at the worst times, sneaking up on me when i'm drunk and too angry to put my courtesy filter on. well, fucking woops. i dont regret a whole lot of things.... i guess it sort of sucks that i stood in the middle hall room in the middle of our house and yelled about how i hate plastic, jesus, electricity, the whole modern world, the whole house and everyone in it. but i was depressed and it was all true. what can i say? it's weird to apologize for things that are still true, even if the timing and the delivery were inappropriate. not that i REALLY hate everyone in the whole house... although i definitely felt like it at the time. and that was what was important. i dont like containing anger. but like i said, i dont want to get into the rest of the house drama. there's so much and it probably shouldnt all go on the internet anyway. i'll try to keep you vaguely updated anyhow....
so leroy is taking mallory's room. he and his boondock will be staying with us until at least january, which will be fun because maybe everyone will stop accusing ME of being the craziest person in the house, and also just because i love leroy. i am looking forward to lots of free meals, free drinks, and goofy adventurings. however, leaving with mallory are her weezy dog and lucie cat and the rest of the female energy of the house. i will be a lone she-wolf. loucifur will luckily provide me with some fellow cat spirits, but even then, he's a little bastard. as was determined the other day... if lou were 6 feet tall, he would rule the whole freaking world. maybe i'm wrong but i dont think i could say that about most cats. perhaps because lou would be a tyrant and a master of surprise attacks from overhead. the point is: i'm thinking again about getting a kitten. i know i know i can't help it. but is it a good idea? i can't tell. i want a lady kitty friend, at any rate. and i haven't found any elsewhere yet.
however, i have made a few new friends so far this year. wonders! new friends make me happier than almost anything. i dont want to speak too soon so i'll give some better details later.
today has been rainy. i left home right after brandon got back from BR, a city i have been trying to avoid at all possible costs (but i end up going for the good shows). drove to school as i've been doing.. it's sort of nice although i end up bumping a lot of parked cars. shhhh! py constantly teases me about my driving skills, which i suppose are somewhat stuck in the mud, rather than improving... but speaking of BR, i drove from there to NOLA for the first time last weekend! and i didnt fuck up at all (although py would tell you differently, dont listen to him because he was wasted and doesnt remember anything) and we made it down in one safe piece. i was a kickass designated driver for my little drunken men.
point: it's not raining anymore. i was slightly late for bible class, despite my timely driving. i always goof around in the bathroom and forget that class is starting. woops! i thought i was going to really hate that class, but it's turned out to be freaking awesome. my professor basically tells us that everything we learned in sunday school is a load of bull and we talk about the real origins and meanings of old testament stories. he's hilarious and i especially love it when he talks about how stupid fundamentalists are. it is awesome. then i went to modern short fiction where i get to sit next to my friend david who makes me giggle all day. today we were discussing colette's "gigi" and about the sexuality of foods like asparagus and lobster. it was pointless but i took more notes in class today than i have all semester. usually i just write "FREUD" because that is all that our teacher talks about and it sucks so usually i read or write something else. being in a writing class has been really fun, just to get into the habit of writing again. plus my professor is awesome. so yeah, basically i've got a good bunch of classes this semester... i might go so far as to say this has been the best semester i've had yet! but perhaps i shouldn't speak so soon... midterms are coming up, after all. yipe.
but i don't care because i'm going to memphis this weekend!! look out, i'm coming home and i'm bringing my nutty friends with me! we are coming up on friday to see Mr. Airplane Man at gonerfest and i'm so freaking excited. we have seen a lot of great shows recently, it has been really awesome. last weekend we saw Witch Hunt at a house show in BR. brandon got their record, and i got a patch and a book about new orleans. even though i damaged my right ankle somewhat early in the evening, i still managed to dance on one foot and have a kickass time. and that ankle is all better now, although apparently this weekend i destroyed my left big toe and surrounding area.... doing god knows what. i just woke up with it all mangled. i'm hoping that it will just figure itself out and heal somewhat like the rest of my feet wounds always do. i have been realizing how freaking weird my feet look because of all the times i've fucked them up and just sort of let them figure out how to let me walk on them again. oh well.
i keep getting off track. the real point to all this is that py and i have been volunteering for the past couple weekends at the green project, where they've started doing a matinee show every saturday. this past weekend, we cooked the 'free vegan food' which they advertise for every show, and we got lots of compliments. py's soupy shitasaurus was a smashing success, of course. that stuff is delicious! vegan slop is really growing on me. mmmmmmm... py got free goodies from the band because his food was so good! lucky bastard. we danced our asses off and had a great time, despite the lackluster crowd.... hilary, py, and i made up for it with our energy and enthusiasm. the bands were all amazing! i havent been to such an all around good show in a really long time. first, an acoustic band called the Let Down played while we sat at their feet. the two ladies had beautiful voices and played guitar, although one also sometimes played a musical saw. a boy with funny hair also played guitar. their songs were about being alcoholic and in love and they were wonderful. then, Fake Problems went on a few minutes later. leroy and i had just finished pre-gaming outside and as we were walking in during the second song, i said to him "i hope EVERYBODY's DANCING!" and of course no one was. so py and i took that shit up a notch. or four. they sang country folk punk rock songs about capitalism. it was also awesome, and they gave py a free 7inch. then Parsley Flakes played. they wore silly clothes and sang songs about "zapatistas and white people," among other things. we danced like fools! then their amp started smoking 2 songs before the end of the set. it was intense.. but also hilarious and ridiculous. it was an amazing show and an amazing weekend... except for all the drama, of course, but i suppose that sometimes it can't be helped, and so it must be ignored. i'm getting better at this.
i forget if there were other things i meant to say, but if there were, i should save them for another day. this has gotten rather long, and i congratulate you if you made it this far. perhaps i will see you again soon.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

faithless, grungy, pathetic, wretched

last night all plans were somehow abandoned and alice and ended up at home alone all night. it was really great because we had time to hang out and talk and be wonderful. i absolutely LOVE that girl!!!! it was also funny because she and i were hanging out while laylee and LA were hanging out. our group of Girls was separated into the "Al" and the "La" couples. ho ho ho. i love that kind of thing. the kind of thing i do NOT love is that our girls night for this evening is cancelled. it makes me angry and sad. hopefully i'll make up for it by hanging out with sallis and katherine and alice today. hooray!

listening to: juliana hatfield - what a life

Sunday, August 15, 2004

one of my biggest pet peeves

when i'm genuinely irritated with someone, i make a sort of snippy comment, and they think i'm kidding. laughter does not make a good apology. it's a slap in the face. it only says to me that people i am close to can't tell the difference between when i'm angry and when i'm happy, and that makes me very sad.

listening to: the microphones - i love you so much!

Monday, May 03, 2004

BAD DAY.

except for a couple fleeting happy moments. but yeah. today is the suck.
i want to thank all the people who've kept my life interesting this last week –– william, brett, brandon, cast of ergolytes - you have been my breath of fresh air. thanks also to all the usuals who keep me in check. and no thanks to you bastards who've put me in a terrible mood! fuck this! i'm sick of being angry and tired.

plug this bitch

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

today was up and down.

i'm really mad at mr. munter for making fun of scandaliz vandalistz and saying we were a joke band. that was really pointless. asshole. at least give constructive criticism. he didn't HAVE to let us in the battle of the bands, but he did, and now he's whining. get the fuck over it. so we (katherine and alice) had a band practice from 4:30 to 6:30 so that we feel better about the music and all. i'm still not sure what my purpose is for being on the stage. i hope we get time to practice with billy soon.
after school (before practice) margaret, brock, and i stayed to read history essays. exhilirating. i'm so sure. brock read my essay, and when we left, he punched me and said i was never allowed to say that i'm a bad history student again. the punch hurt, too. maybe i need to start eating. we went to wendy's to get a frosty, but brock had to go home after that. margaret came over to lie in the bed, and we just got to talk and listen to music for a little, which was very nice. she went home a little after alice and katherine got here. the practice went pretty well. we played "yr 2 kewl" over and over, and "cinnamon" a few times before we drove away to the honors society inductions buisness thingie. and that shit was horrible. when we got there, i felt dressed really wrong and out of place in with my indie kid/feminist shit. no comment on that. depression ensues, etc. the usual. but once my name got called, and i was walking up the aisle thing, that awful bronzer faux-black girl was reading my blurby thing and it made me laugh, because the thing i wrote was very silly. after that it was all gravy train, except for that we were squished onto the stage like sardines. not a good idea when we've got our damn symbolic candles lit up all over the place. i was afraid i was going to light somebody's hair on fire, but it only resulted in me dripping wax all over my fingers. and then i got a piece of cake.
brandon called me expecting to find a lonely voicemail box awaiting, so he was surprised when i picked up around 10. i really liked talking to him tonight, even if it only was for about 40 minutes. i think we both needed it today. i planned to talk about all of the everything yesterday, but... it's late.

listening to: prance - exotic city

Sunday, November 16, 2003

today dad 'fixed' my window without telling me. it was really sad. i need to have a ceremony. today basically sucked all around. it invovled cleaning and no friends and really shitty family stuff. at one point i was annoyed at havingn to clean the kitchen, which was full of mom's shit and complaining that she's always mad at US for leaving stuff everywehre, and i had to clean up her damn mess. she got really pissed and was all like "are you a part of the family or not?" because if i wasn't going to help out, i better find somewhere else to live, and "then it's settled, you're out of here when you turn 18 and we're not going to help you pay for college or anything." it made my day ten times better. woowee what a weekend.
so i basically sat around lifeless and depressed all day. i called a laylee, katherine, and brock but no one was around. eventually i was talking to sallis online, and he had been planning to do his english essay stuff tonight but instead invited me over to watch a movie. it was very sweet. his parents and mine were both going to the 'boogie in the books' party in the library. ho ho ho. is it ironic that the day katherine deleted her blog (party in the library) they actually HAD one? ..... i'm easily amused.
sallis came to pick me up and it was all raining and he had this huge umbrella to walk me to the car and he opened my door all nice. he's the greatest. he had gotten the stretch princess cd yesterday, and he had it in his car. it made me really happy. the funny thing is that he heard "shoes" in elise's car, probably before school yesterday morning. i, of course, made elise download that song this summer. sallis fell in love with the song and had to have the cd. bravo, good sir. anyway, back at his house i met his brother, his parents, and his parents' friends. i tried to be a polite little alanna. i don't know if it worked. especially since laylee called me and my cell phone was all ringy and i was all cell phone girly. i felt silly, but i was really happy that laylee called back. sallis and i had talked about inviting some other people to come back a movie with us, but they were busy anyway. after sallis's brother retreated, and the adults left to boogie, we stood around trying to decide what to watch. it didn't go very well. sallis is polite, so he was letting me, the guest, decide what to watch and i am indecisive so i couldn't choose. we ended up going to blockbuster and milling around until we spotted "frida." i had been really wanting to see that, and sallis said he'd heard good things so we got it. and "finding nemo" for his brother. thank god, too, because it kept him occupied all night, and he would've been a little young for miss frida. i lovedddd the movie. it was really really well done in the acting, and the history, and the cinema, and everything about it. wow it was really good. sigh. i hope sallis isn't having nightmares. i told him to call me if he had one, but i think he would be too polite for that. i told him i might call HIM, but i got a little carried away with laylee and the suicide girls just now. so maybe another time aha. anyway. after the movie, we had time to discuss it a little and everything, which was nice. then the adults came home and talked about the party and everything. haa it was very gossip compared to what i am used to hearing from my parents on that kind of event. there's nothing about the 55-year-old in the mini skirt, or the person whose face looked like it had been run over by a truck. it was interesting, at least, to get a different perspective. then they embarassed sallis to death by showing me the video they'd made for his 16th birthday this summer featuring lots of baby pictures and the 4 adults talking about what a good kid sallis is. and all kinds of people singing happy birthday. it was nice, but i should've insisted that i didn't want to see it, for sallis's sake. the adults were obviously very proud of it and everything, and i guess i didn't want to spoil their good time. then again, they were constantly making fun of sallis for the way he talks and everything. which is funny, i thought that maybe he got it from his parents or something. apparently not. i also thought he got his love of jummy buffett and celtic from them, but they also made fun of that. when we first came in, he made some comment and they were just kind of like ".....ooookay. nutcase." in not so many words. i mean, it's no wonder the poor kid thinks he's a weirdo and has no self-esteem. even his parents make fun of him, why would anyone else feel differently? i'm really preachy right now. sorry. i like sallis, though. he's a great kid. my dad came to pick me up eventually, and we all sort of stood around the doorway and talked for a few minutes. i think i must've said something funny, because sallis's dad gave me this weird tap thing on my shoulder. ahahahahaha that is pretty funny. to me. so we were saying goodbye and sallis tried to shake my hand. it was very cute. i sort of shook it a little, and then hugged him anyway. i hope he didn't mind too much. i probably invaded his space. well maybe he needs a little invasion every now and then. and i was the man for the job. *cue music*
i was not very happy that dad and dad alone was my chauffer this evening. no, no, no. we are not on good terms obviously. but when he came to get me, i was in this great mood and he was in this great mood, plus part of it was a thing about looking happy in front of sallis's family or something, i think. unconciously maybe. but anyway, i was being nice to him and he, of course, was being nice to me. so i couldn't very well just stop as soon as i realized it was happening, in the car. it made me really mad because i haven't really yelled at him, except for once, about being totally angry with him. and if i've just done this happy thing, then i'm obviously not totally angry. phh i fucked it all up. now what can i do god damn it. dad took the niceness as an opportunity to be especially talky to me and he did the touchy thing and eww. he's been kissing my head a lot the past few days and it's going to drive me insane. next time i think i'll fucking slap his face. i hate it. i hate him tricking himself into thinking that we are chums. god. i've done it again. i didn't want to end on a sour note. OH I SO DON'T HAVE TO.
brock called during the middle of the movie, "just to check up." the conversation was probably our shortest to date... about 30 seconds or something. it just made me really really really really happy. that was a highlight of the evening. obviously the other big highlight was simply the fact that i got to hang out with sallis. wow, i feel so honored. another highlight was that on the way home, brandon called to tell me about the bonfire madigan show. man. i really wish i could've been there. obviously. he was very non-braggy about it, which i really appreciated. he was nice about it, and got me something (i couldn't really tell what he said) and he's going to make me a copy of the live cd. hooray and many thanks to brandon. i love that puppy lump. when i got home, i went online and whatnot. talked to elise a little bit about this basic essay i wrote on my new interpretation of her music video "untouchable face" which can be read here in the commentaries. she did what i thought she'd do, which was forget that i was talking about the video and not her damned personal life. she was EXTREMELY non-talky. over the last couple months, we don't actually have a conversation unless she starts it. if i start it, i basically ramble and she says "haha," "yeah," and "depends on how you look at it." well that was tonight's vocabulary anyway. it's beginning to drive me nuts. HAHAH but i don't really have to deal with it, i guess so who cares. anyway. for the past few hours i have been talking to laylee. we tried to find nude blog layouts. there used to be a whole site, and we can't find it anymore. pretty sad. so we just ended up hanging out with the suicide girls. a pretty good evening, on a whole. too bad that most of the day was shit, and the entire week was shit. i mean, even the movie we watched was intensely depressing. i can't get away from sad and depress lately. well woops.

listening to: commander venus - peppermints

Thursday, November 13, 2003

so i just talked to becca and things are better. it's funny that i knew they would fix really easily and i didn't just go ahead and let it happen. oh well. i think a lot of shit just made me more mad about the show than i otherwise would've been and just being mad at becca was an easy target for my anger. hopefully i will feel a little lifted now that we've talked a little and everything. let's hope...
actually right now i'm more upset with myself for missing the fucking show (because it was my fault) and for being so stupid, bitchy, and depressed. well fuck.

listening to: digger - try and catch me


Life's A Show...


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Monday, October 27, 2003

today is awful. GOPWIEHAPOWHIEGOHAIOHWOEHA i want some pizza.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

i love my afternoon shower. it's the time of the day where i really just stop and think about shit. i think so long my fingers prune. raisin. mmm i want some milk duds now. okay.
just now i was thinking about how ridiculous therapy is. practically everyone i know is seeing or should see a psychiatrist. except for robin, because robin doesn't have problems. but then if she DID see a therapist, they would probably tell her she was detached and unemotional or something. (this is just from my perspective. maybe robin is dying inside, why would i know? it's an example, anyway.) basically everyone has issues, so we go to therapy to get them fixed? well what the fuck. if everyone should be in there, then what do we bother going for? who is the perfect person that i am supposed to be modelling myself after? it's really pissing me off. so i have no internal drive. there's probably such a thing as too much internal drive, right? well maybe not, but i'm still making a point. so right now i'm mad at therapy.
also. you know how there's supposed to be this one thing for every person to realize is their THING and they are supposed to do that forever? i can't figure out what mine is, and it's driving me nuts. i can see myself editting and doing movies in the future, but i don't feel like i was dropped onto this rock to do it, really. the only thing i have real enthusiasm for is music... and not even enough to learn to play. (oboe doesn't count. and anyway i hadn't held one for a year until today. wow, how nuts was that? and i was like "WHY CAN'T I PLAY THE LOW E!?" what a dumbass, i had the damn octave key down. tsk tsk. but man oboe is pretty. it sounds "nasal and weird." shit it makes me wish i was playing again.)
anyway. so, as a listener of music, my career choices include:
record producer? haha. very likely.
roadie
groupie
or...
do you guys remember that commercial with the stuff.... i think it was for a cd burner or a discman or something. but the guy burns his cd and gets to listen to it all day while he drives around at the airport and tries to save the birds from being hit by airplanes. i could do that job.

Monday, March 17, 2003

"All right, people, let's go somewhere else." Ironic that he even calls us "people" because the way he says it, he obviously doesn't believe that his words are intended for actual "people." We are never "people." We don't ask so much. Every morning Coach Fucking Brooks wants us to "move along" speaking generically into the air and onto the heads a foot or so below his level. Hey Coach, what's wrong with us right here? Are we in somebody's way? Sure, we are standing by some lockers but we are ready and willing to scoot over if some kid needs his books. Where are we supposed to go? Is there a designated spot in this huge school that we don't know about where we're allowed to see our friends before homeroom? Shouldn't it be okay to just be us for a few minutes before we slide back into the daily grind, just to have this one moment? Each of us could walk to our various homerooms in thirty seconds or less. We've been to our lockers. We've got no particular place to be. So Coach Brooks, where the fuck are we SUPPOSED to be? I don't want to be listening to the gory little details of my locker partner's Floridian spring break and I know she won't ask me about mine once she is fucking done, two minutes before the bell rings. Hey I can't see my friends after school. They're busy at Bridge Builders and Mock Trial and Model UN meetings. Plus, we were working so hard on AP applications a week ago, and with all these projects and essays on the weekends... No, these are "people" who don't have time for me outside school. But remember, this is White Station! We are too busy with Extra-Curricular Activities and racking up the Service Hours to have friends! Much less, TALK to them! Heaven forbid, what if we actually got to SEE them sometimes? Oh no, what if we fell that far off our Spartanian horses? What if that happened? We wouldn't get into the right colleges, and we would lead terrible, poor lives! Lives of LOVE, not MONEY!! Because "people" are money, school is money, SUCCESS is money! And didn't you know? Success is power. Success is me in a suit. Success is my husband coming home from a hard day at the office to his loving wife and kids, and a great from-scratch Southern meal. I will be successful!! Fuck yr Princeton! Give me community!!! But look at these "people," they are beautiful individuals. We are writers and artists and we're going to make movies together. We're going to get married and move to California. FUCK YOU, COACH! YOU CAN'T COME!

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

every day i make my way through the streets of your town

i was really pumped about writing a real post until i sat down. well i'm going to try my best for you guys, because i know i'm sick of looking through blogs with no new posts! (merv's place as the exeption.) i found these 60 cent cappuccino and cream candies that brittany sort of made me buy at big lots a few weeks ago. i'd eaten two that day and that was basically it. but i found them! and i'm addicted! they're really sweet but they leave this taste in my mouth that makes me want another one. plus i'm hungry. mmmmmmm. moving on.
i already talked a little about the weekend... friday night was great. i had rehearsal and then i got to hang out with awesome people. everyone went to abyssinia, which is an ethopian restaurant, and kevin came to pick me up from home (with william's car that kevin couldn't drive) while they were there because i told them i had to eat. and they decided to go to a restaurant like. a block away from my house. because william's stomach was eating itself. so i didn't really have anything except a bite of gross cloth bread. i had to run across poplar twice and it was horrifyingly hilarious. kevin and i nearly died ten times on the way from my house to abyssinia. after that we joggled around across the street, where the creepy cuban captain d's is. and there were these drums or something and we ran all over the world trying to find where they were coming from, with no success. then we drove around listening to modest mouse. we ended up at that christ methodist church place and we played on the playground for a while. kevin and william bribed lots of soda out of this party that was ending at the church. most of it got poured on the wood chips i think. the swings were pretty great. a lot of that newfangled equipment was discovered to be incredibly dangerous! and all the swingie bar things make your hands hurt and smell. alice and i invented the word "muffin" that you have to say like robin goodwin as a kind of abbreviation for "motherfucker" but used in completely different context. then we drove around and it was some modest mouse live song and they said something about thanks to the pixies and i was all like 'THE PIXIES' and they changed the song for me. they played "debaser" for me. it was great. kevin sang it with me. i think elise was trying to get william to watch me sing in his rearview mirror. at that point we had ended up at bookstar so that william could buy smoke and mirrors by neil gaiman. i like that place but we couldnt find the mammoth book of erotica this time.
on saturday.... i went to rehearsal. that was it. oh yeah i went with morgan and mom to buy a present for morgan to take to her friend mariana's birthday, but it also ended up being a shopping trip for mom and dad's anniversary, which was sunday (october 6). morgan bought mariana a card with an old lady on it, being levitated off the ground by all the balloons she was holding. it said "get carried away on your birthday!" and mom got a card for dad that had a cow kissing another cow that said "i love you for heifer." i didn't get anything because i don't have any money. then we went to cat's music. morgan bought the nelly furtado cd for mariana. i had to help mom find the new david bowie cd, heathen, for dad. the two-disc one. with the great pixies cover of "cactus!" i didn't get anything because i DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. it was so distressing. i tried to make morgan buy the new tegan and sara but she wouldn't. i tried to make mom buy the new bree sharp but she wouldn't. it was depressing. we blew that popsicle stand.
sunday was mom and dad's anniversary so mom woke me up around 9 or something to ask me where dad's card and gift were. i, obviously, couldn't go back to sleep so i got up. nothing really happened until 3:30. which was rehearsal. we worked on scenes 6-8. since i haven't talked about the other rehearsals i'll sum this one up: in scene 6 i'm a really bad villager because i'm not animated enough. in scene 7 i'm a really bad surrealist because i'm not loud enough and i can't say my lines right and i can't play the game very well. in scene 8 i get to play ring-around-the-rosies while the world falls apart. i've decided not to reveal anything about this scene because it needs to be surprising. i'm just like "it's creepy. we play ring-around-the-rosies and it's HORRIFYING!" actually katherine and i were talking about it when her mom drove me to davis-kidd after school today and she was like "i think i'm going to have to leave before scene 8. or maybe i just won't come at all." which is sad. i think she should come and see katherine. katherine was trying to reassure her by telling her that she's not actually IN scene 8. oh oh oh! everyone come to the momo's ball because we really need money!!! the production costs A LOT and bill has already had to cut out some of the things he wanted to do for lack of funds. moving on... right after rehearsal, dad took me to bookstar to meet laylee. she was a little late but it wasn't her fault so thats ok. dad bought a drink at the starbucks there for me and he gave me money to buy something to eat. laylee and i got cold in the cafe so we walked around the bookstore. then this guy julian who went to her school last year came up and we talked to him for a good long time and it turned out she hates him anyway. so that was an eternal waste of time. i didn't know that she hated him, or else we would have been there for a total of two seconds. so laylee finally got us out of there by saying we wanted to go eat at taco bell. she got a cheese quesadilla and i got a chicken quesadilla. laylee didn't finish hers because it was making her sick or something. i finished eating mine while we walked to turlte's music, and we got to talk a bit. outside, she got like. her fourth and fifth phone calls of the evening, on her cell phone. leath wanted to come pick her up at that very second because she was supposed to meet them at borders at 8:30 or something which basically adds up to that she'd allotted less than an hour and a half to our hangoutage time and i'd thought she had to babysit or something. her lovely mother drove me home, where morgan was watching our "get up" video again. my parents were at their anniversary dinner at cafe society. i stayed up way too late online talking to jerel.
on monday, we had the day off. as if you didn't know. i was supposed to meet margaret at the library at 2 to work on this (wretched) english project. the day before, i had realized i wouldn't be able to meet then because i would have no ride, since my parents would be at work. by the time i thought about it on sunday, i felt like it was too late to call. so i called first thing in the morning on monday and left a message. and called like 720385 times and emailed her but we never got in touch. she called here around 2:20 and i felt really really awful. she said she found a few books though. morgan and i watched "seven brides for seven brothers" and it was glorious. we did homework and it sucked.
on tuesday, ms. haughton asked me why i was still out of uniform! i was like "I TOLD YOU." so she wrote me up. when i took the thing to the office, it was fifth period and no one was there so the (EVIL EVIL EVIL) secretary told me she would call me down in sixth period. she didn't. so today i was called to the office during 3rd period (english) and i was there through like. half of 4th. and they didnt even get a chance to talk to me because they're too slow and stupid and evil. so they called me back during 6th period etymology and finally talked me and basically said i had to wear the uniform until my appeal went through. i hate ms. haughton so much right now. not only for that but because of this test we took. i actually did pretty well on it but the things i missed were because of her shit ass directions!!! we had to memorize all this vocabulary, right? the word and its genitive and the meaning. (among other irrelevant things.) so most of the words, you had to memorize the genitive SINGULAR but there were two that you had to memorize the genitive PLURAL for some reason. so on the directions she said to write the genitive singular (she underlined that.) so when i wrote iussa, i put that the genitive singular was iussi, not iussorum. and that it meant 'a command' instead of 'commands' because the woman is ret@rd*d!! and i was too scared to ask her about it today because i thought she would see my non-uniform. go figure because i was actually wearing my black moondance skirt and a grey shirt! quite a few people asked me if i was caving in on the uniform thing. i didn't really mean to be dressed like that. but i don't want to wear that skirt to school again. that skirt was not made for me. or maybe i'm just not compatible with skirts. i can't sit in my desk in the ways that i like to sit wearing a skirt. well not comfortably anyway. or without feeling like i'm going to wipe my shoes all over the thing, which wouldn't have been a good idea, as it rained all today. and like. as soon as i stepped out of the door this morning, the skirt went looser than i'd tied it and it kind of fell down on my hips and dragged the ground all day. i hate going on stairs in that thing. especially when theyre all wet and slippery from the rain. as i said previously, katherine dohan's lovely mother drove me to davis-kidd after school where i finished reading what my mother doesn't know by sonya sones. i hadn't meant to finish it, but it happened. it wasn't nearly as good as stop pretending but i forgive it because it was written in beautiful beautiful poetry form. so stuff that i normally would be bored to death reading about is made interesting anyway. i started reading this book called stoner & spaz and i had just picked up the giver when my mom came. she bought some halloween books and things for her library at school.
POTATOES ARE RADICAL!