Showing posts with label green beans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label green beans. Show all posts

Monday, February 25, 2019

a newness

I'm tired of acting/living from a place of fear and bitterness and confusion.
I want to love more, better. Now.
I want to have patience, be more kind.
I want to write + take time.
I'm afraid of how some elements in my life make me feel -- screens, adderall, etc.
Am I losing all my empathy? Patience?
How can I slow down? How can I do better?
I ordered a new planner for some reason-- always the thought is "This will really get me on track!" It's just a tool, not a solution, but maybe it will help (if I let it, if I don't let this little fire die.)
Already, today is the start of (another) new era. Jerel is training for their new job at Wizards, and I have my first case at UT on Wednesday. After spending the last few days alternating between mega evil tax hell and total vegging out, I'm in the mindset to take charge of my finances and my records, to do better than I've done before. Wanna get on that hustle!

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

library life

after a weekend of cooking my brain and losing my mind and crushing my body, i was terrified and panicked to start my new job. even at the library! even though i should've felt perfect, i was in a panic after not having had a "real" job for years (ever??)

last night i could hardly sleep, and when i did, i was woken up over and over by my nightmares -- sexual violence and terror and mundane garbage. in the last dream, around 6am, i had to get to work but i was stuck in south boston with thursday and time kept moving and we kept not catching each other to come back to baltimore.

but despite the lack of sleep, i felt motivated and capable all morning. in the shower, i realized i'd been humming "polly, put your kettle on," my literal get-it-done theme song back in austin. i knew i could do it all! i immediately put on some coffee, put together my outfit, and put my diva cup in a pot to boil WHICH I HAVEN'T USED IN A YEAR because i haven't cleaned it. what!!!!

i left the house an hour before my shift to pop into artifact for an egg-cheese-mushroom muffin and, let's face it, a soy latte. despite being there much longer than anticipated, i didn't feel too rushed on the half-hour commute and even though i'd never been there, i didn't feel too stressed about driving across baltimore. these skinny bumpy streets confuse me but somehow i'm learning just by being a passenger. my learning style is observation sponge, and even i don't know it's working till way down the road.



SO. revelations:

  • libraries are always going to be comfortable, no matter what.
  • librarians are awkward turtles and i don't have to be scared of them.
  • i thrive in a service position!
  • i love to help people!
  • helping people makes me love people!
  • i am capable of being confident!
  • i believe i can accomplish things that regular people can. (fix my car, fix my life.)
  • i believe i can still retain my sense of self and my weirdness while working a "normal" job.
  • i think i can also stop smoking! i can! or at least cut way down.

Monday, March 17, 2003

"All right, people, let's go somewhere else." Ironic that he even calls us "people" because the way he says it, he obviously doesn't believe that his words are intended for actual "people." We are never "people." We don't ask so much. Every morning Coach Fucking Brooks wants us to "move along" speaking generically into the air and onto the heads a foot or so below his level. Hey Coach, what's wrong with us right here? Are we in somebody's way? Sure, we are standing by some lockers but we are ready and willing to scoot over if some kid needs his books. Where are we supposed to go? Is there a designated spot in this huge school that we don't know about where we're allowed to see our friends before homeroom? Shouldn't it be okay to just be us for a few minutes before we slide back into the daily grind, just to have this one moment? Each of us could walk to our various homerooms in thirty seconds or less. We've been to our lockers. We've got no particular place to be. So Coach Brooks, where the fuck are we SUPPOSED to be? I don't want to be listening to the gory little details of my locker partner's Floridian spring break and I know she won't ask me about mine once she is fucking done, two minutes before the bell rings. Hey I can't see my friends after school. They're busy at Bridge Builders and Mock Trial and Model UN meetings. Plus, we were working so hard on AP applications a week ago, and with all these projects and essays on the weekends... No, these are "people" who don't have time for me outside school. But remember, this is White Station! We are too busy with Extra-Curricular Activities and racking up the Service Hours to have friends! Much less, TALK to them! Heaven forbid, what if we actually got to SEE them sometimes? Oh no, what if we fell that far off our Spartanian horses? What if that happened? We wouldn't get into the right colleges, and we would lead terrible, poor lives! Lives of LOVE, not MONEY!! Because "people" are money, school is money, SUCCESS is money! And didn't you know? Success is power. Success is me in a suit. Success is my husband coming home from a hard day at the office to his loving wife and kids, and a great from-scratch Southern meal. I will be successful!! Fuck yr Princeton! Give me community!!! But look at these "people," they are beautiful individuals. We are writers and artists and we're going to make movies together. We're going to get married and move to California. FUCK YOU, COACH! YOU CAN'T COME!