today, while not incredibly packed full of KOOKY halloween fun, was still a very good holiday day. i had a lot of chocolates. they were all mine. well, except for the kitkat and reese's on my windowsill (thankyou thankyou, loverboo). school was actually a pretty fast day. i don't really need to elaborate on that fact. afterwards, we took brock to his house for a change of clothes before coming back home. we had made plans to watch "rocky horror" and hang out with becca, kevin, and laylee. after sitting around here and at sonic for a bit, we called each of them, and both said they'd call when we had real plans. so brock and i just walked around the neighborhood for a while. we ended up on union, and nearly walked to cooper-young, but it was almost dark, so i'm glad we didn't. plus we would've been stuck with no bags for trick-or-treating, and that is sad. we also almost sang for candy, in place of costumes. brock and i do this thing where if one of us has an idea, the other one gets really enthusiastic, and the first one backs down, so it doesn't happen. this is a frequent occurence in the stunning lives on alanna and brock. believe you me. so we just walked back home, and looked for costumes, mostly to no avail. i got stuck briefly in belle's (6-year-old) ballgown from disney's beauty and the beast. it was pretty terrific. i couldn't breathe. brock put on a hat, which became loaded down with lots of items such as shawls, skirts, other hats, wings. i didn't find anything. so we sat around some more and handed out candy. our first batch thought we were a 30-year-old, married couple. it was super hot. we told them we were only 20.
eventually, i called becca again and she was very upset. apparently laylee and kevin had just decided to skip out on our evening's plans, for no reason becca could find. it was very weird. i also called laylee and kevin, but i couldn't get them to tell me what was up. i still don't know. at any rate, it was a very weird phone cal, and i hope they had a good evening, whatever they were doing. when becca and daniell (almost randomly) showed up, we still hadn't found anything good. so i threw on basically whatever i was handed: a tan trenchcoat, captain underpants shirt, strange red and black pants, broken sunglasses, and snakeskin platforms. brock's monument sort of collapsed, so he just wore the basic hat. in a way, i was a crackhead and he was the ghost of a parisian hat model. it turned out rather nicely. becca had on very cool eye makeup, an adorable hat, a skirt as a strapless dress, and fishnet stockings on her arm. we just went out for dinner at glass onion, which was becca's suggestion. she had been there a few months ago, and they've changed the menu since: it's more expensive, and not as good? i think we waited for the food much longer than we actually ate it. brock basically picked and ordered my food. jesus i'm pathetic. it was nice and all, but didn't feel like festive at all. brock described it later as being very adult, which NOBODY is on halloween. it was really cool getting to hang out with becca and daniell, but it also felt very serious and whatnot, probably in part because becca was upset about the laylee and kevin thing. and this very strange breed of people-watching/commenting. i don't know what to think about all that. HOWEVER brock pushed me around in a shopping cart. and that was not very adult. we were just going to leave it where we parked the car, but these creepy women on their porch were like "take that back to the other carts. don't leave it in my front yard. take it back to your own front yard. take it back to where you found it." if i had been the one pushing the cart, i probably would've been pissed off and REALLY put it in her damn yard. but brock is a sweet boy. so he wheeled it far away. wow.
we (except for brock) had made plans to see a special showing of "beetlejuice" at midnight. brock's mom wouldn't let him go, though. it's too bad. by now it was around 9:15, and i don't really understand why, but daniell had to take me and brock back to my house, and she and becca went back to her house. we mostly ... sat around. shortly after we got home, mom came home from the opening night of good time speech. hallelujah, glory be. at some point, brandon called. it was sort of weird because he called on the cell, so brock couldn't get on the phone too, and i couldn't talk to them at the same time. the conversation would've been much better if i hadn't been worried about brock being bored out of his mind. actually at one point tonight, while we were waiting for brock's mom to come pick him up, i mentioned something about not wanting him to be bored and all this, and i was fiddling with the kitkat wrapper. when i finally looked up at him, he was making this "OH NO YOU DI'INT!" face. it was great. and we had a quasi-conversation about it. his first reaction was "what else would i be doing?!" which wasn't all that comforting. but then he was like "i don't get bored! do you get bored?!" and i was like "no!" but the thing i REALLY liked that he said was that he couldn't sit around and do basically nothing with anyone else. and if he was out somewhere doing, he'd most likely be feeling left out of the conversation or be worried about something. and that was really nice. i don't know why.
goddess cat jumped out of the window while brock and i were windowsillin it. actually she was just sitting on it until we came back into my room, and brock stood on the bed, and she freaked out and ran off into the night. i was really nervous, because of the things people to do black cats on halloween. i shimmied through the window and peckled around through the underbrush but to no avail. i looked by the back door. nothing. no kittie. i decided not to worry about it because she always comes back always, even if it's been weeks. as soon as brock left, i walked back into my room and she bounded onto the bed. what a supercat. truly a goddess.
then i sort of took a short breath before becca, daniell, and william showed up for "beetlejuice." i like william SO much more than i used to, it isn't even funny. he really is a good kid. i wish i had more to say to daniell, we are very quiet around each other. it was really great getting to watch that movie at midnight on halloween with costumes and lovelies. nice nice. i wish laylee and kevin had come though. afterwards, we just basically drove around for half an hour or something, which was great. i always like when nights just piddle to a close instead of "SHIT IS DONE, BYE NOW!" also, william says "oh my shit" a lot, which is something elise says that i hate. i'm guessing she got it from him. i knew she got it from somewhere, i just never knew where. it was also really strange when william said "oh, that's happy." i was like aha nuts. we nearly drove to st. louis so that we could have bagels for breakfast. but we ran out of gas.

wow i love that i've just stumbled back home.

CANDY ON MY WINDOWSILL!!!!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

shit i forgot to blog about chris earlier. remind me someone.

hooray for every day better than the last! it was just a kind of slick lay-back day. the sky is sooo blue and the clouds are so beautiful. we spent time observing them at lunch. lovely. brock and i sang "i color the sky with you, i let you choose the blue!" a few times. kevin loved it. i love kevin.
whitney and amber sat at the table again today, so that was different. plus, katherine is still sick and nisha sat with other people, so the set up was very different. i guess the change was nice and all. i've decided i don't like sitting with so few people, because then there's usually only one conversation happening at one time. if there were other people i could escape into something else when talked turned away from my interests. brock is very big on being involved, so he always wants to stay in the large group conversation. he and i talked a little bit alone, because amber and whitney were mostly talking to sallis. i remember that they said one thing that really bothered me, but i can't remember what. ah well. maybe i should start doodling.
in chemistry i just barely finished my test. in algebra i was nowhere near finishing my quiz. it really pisses me off that i know what i'm doing and i couldn't finish. why am i so slowwww? oh well.
mr. munter apologized for calling me robin. AHAHAHA.
robin forgot her glasses today. she is so damn cute! i want to marry her. also things with brock were really nice today. nice boy.
wenli gave me a turtle's gift card for $10 just for helping out with her french video. WOW what a nice girl. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou to wenli. jesus christ.
in a time when i've felt like a really evil, selfish person, look how bethany describes me: "You're so sweet. You're just a big, fat teddy bear." i mean wow. how's that for polar opposite? i was thinking today about how i must appear entirely different to a different people. it's nuts. anyway, bethany also said she misses my "scratchy voice and insistent debates. I miss being yelled at (not that I enjoy that), but arguing was so fun! I feel all nostalgic. Look what you made me do! Poofter." aww. i miss yelling at you, bethany.
i have had a stomach ache all day. this is not cool. i hope i don't have what katherine has.

listening to: rasputina - my little shirtwaist fire

brock and i had a classicly brilliant brock-alanna phone call tonight. he called because he was depressed about the stupid english project, and he wanted to forget about how he should have been working. i'm not sure when he called, but we talked for a long time. and it was one of those calls where each of you says "i have to go" like five kamillion times over the space of an hour. it's great. it made my night five kamillion times better. thank you, brock love. i missed our long talk. it's going in my biography.

WHO IS UP FOR LIBRARY PARTY?
we are doing this shit. saturday or sunday. come on kids. get in here.

there's a huge gooey spot of GOO on that little buggity bite on my chest. i finally showed me mater. woo i love her. she said she was going to send me to druggie school. i remember when i used to leap around the house in the morning, before school. she'd call me a gazelle, and i would pretend to hate it.

OH MAH GOD I AM IN LOVE WITH BRIE CHEESE

FULLY FLEXIBLE, YOU SEE. IS THERE ONE AS SWEET AS ME?
(dantier, smarter, better dressed.)
ANTIQUE HIGH HEEL RED DOLL SHOES!

pick me up for heaven sakes
aren't i your baby cakes?

listening to: RASPUTINA, MUTHAFUCKA!

i don't know yet what i'm going to do for halloween. as in, i don't know where i'm going and i don't know what i'm going to dress up as, if i am at all. well shit. i want to get out of this house. i wish i could drive. i also wish i got to see kids on the weekdays because that would just increase my will to live by a million.

listening to: rasputina - this little piggy

today was better! wahoo. i am hoping this week is just a staircase, but i'm afraid my thoughts will jinx it... well here's hoping.
i was basically like "i'm really sick of bad days!" so i was more smily than i might have been. i enjoyed myself in chemistry, and just basically smatchetted through english. tried to do history homework, but had more fun eating crackers. hoorah! latin was bleggity because we have a quiz friday which i'm going to fail. i got a 75 on the last quiz ahahaaaa. i'm really dumb. a lot of people are like "ohh i'm going to fail" and then they get a 96. well fuck that. i really do fail. lunch wasn't too great, because katherine was absent. the poor dear is sick, i feel awful for her. i want to call, but i don't want to wake her up or anything. so basically, nisha, brock, and sallis spent the whole time talking about bridgebuilders. for a little while, tarah came to talk. i didn't have much to say, which i felt stupid for. blaghh me. oh i forgot to say this. the other day i was going to sarah's car after school, and i heard this car honk. i turned around, and it was tarah riding with one of her poppity friends and tarah had apparently made her honk so that she could wave to me. aww how nice is that? i love tarah.
anyway, the funniest thing ever happened today. ahahaohhaah oh my. the history class was waiting outside the room, for ms. ervin to come unlock the door. during the wait, kevin was walking by, and he said hello so i grabbed him and hugged him, and he did his wonderful ear-whisper thing. i love that thing. then during his classic kevin take-off, in which he just spins around and marches off, he SMASHED INTO MS. ERVIN. AHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh my god. it was this amazing clash of orange and pink. HYSTERICAL. especially to me. her face was great, also. too bad there wasn't more screaming. but JESUS HAHAHAHA.
in other news, i got an 89 on the test yesterday that i was thoroughly prepared to fail, and a fucking NINETY-FOUR 94 94 94 ON MY PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY FROM LAST THURSDAY. oh my god, i was really amazed. i'm still falling apart. that's about it. brock forgot to give me back my math homework, so i got my first 0 of the six weeks on homework. and i was doing so well, too. hahah it's no big deal, whatevar. it was just funny because he found me after school, holding it, going "I'M SO SORRRYYY." what a nice boy. too bad he's sick of me. aha.

listening to: rasputina - the remnants of percy bass

let's hope today is better than yesterday, which was better than monday. woowoo we're going up!

i wrote this in chemistry:

today sucks. i accidentally fell asleep at 9:30 last night before i had finished half my homework or studied for the history test. genius me. as if i don't already feel like shit. aside from that, in the course of a week, i've managed to fuck up every relationship i'm involved in. i gave becca perfect reason to lose all trust in me, brock is bored to death with my company, and i don't really feel like expoudning upon the tragedies of the other ones, but i am sure that everyone hates me. i feel like such a troubled fucking teen today. mostly it's just angst, but yeah i know that to some extent there is this "anxiety" issue thing. i've really never thought of myself as an anxious person, but i guess it makes some sense.
shit, last year i was so full of hope. whenever i was depressed at all, it wasn't actually that bad because i was doing such-and-such a thing or so-and-so was around. i don't know.
i didn't get to mention this yet, but at lunch yesterday i was in an AWFUL mood. i had the piece-of-shit-iest day ever, and i just wanted to relax for a few minutes. nisha was complaining about having to do some homework and when no one accepted her proposal of getting paid to do it for her, she started reading it out loud while she worked it. just to be annoying. everyone else ignored her, but somehow i just couldn't. i was so fucking tired. just of shit. but fuck me for not wanting to listen to nisha's vocabulary sentences. i asked her to stop. i TOLD her to stop. i commanded. i threatened. i did what i threatened to do. it was really immature on both of our parts -- nisha's event, my action, her reaction.
her jacket only got a little capri sun on it anyway. it was still mostly threat. and anyway, i'm used to people who wouldn't actually take offense from that... allison and i did it constantly last year. it was just another thing to distance me and nisha, i guess. again we have been proved very different people, and it just makes me like her less. plus, she is one of the most annoying people that i have to come in contact with. seriously. she's up there with ronald.
anyway, she retaliated by trying to pour her sprite into my lap. i'm sorry, but this is very different from a little capri sun squirt. however, she was really slow about it, so i had time to move her arm out of the way before she overturned that bitch. basically, i didn't get wet. just my lunchbox slightly. she spilled more on herself and the innocent members of our lunch table (especially brock, who was between us) and their homework than on me. i felt bad for dragging other people into the childish little thing, and i think i apologized to them, but not to nisha. i'm just too much of a mean person for that. everyone who isn't already sick of me will be soon. bloody brilliant.

today is awful. GOPWIEHAPOWHIEGOHAIOHWOEHA i want some pizza.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.

does anyone have any ideas for how we are going to get into rasputina?
1. go before 9, before they put the bouncer out. eat and eat and eat.
2. bring someone over 18.
3. email the band and beg.
4. hide in the bathroom.
5. sit outside and sulk. at least that way we could hear some of the music, and meet the band afterwards.

anything else?

and who exactly is coming to this thing, anyway? becca and laylee told me to keep it small, but i feel bad because i found out about it and told all kinds of people. i doubt most of them will come, though, because they're only small fans, and it's a sunday night, so. but all souls' day, what a great day for them to be here!

coming out of "blue citrus hearts" has been beautiful every time. this time i was with morgan and a big group of her friends, and they were lovely. however, as soon as we got into the lobby, mom and dad bombarded us with annoyance. their movie had finished 20 minutes before we got out, and they were not very happy. it shouldn't be my fault that our movie started 10 minutes late and had a Q+A at the end, but somehow it was. the rest of the ride home was full of the entire family being pissed off at me, so i was pissed off at them too. it wasn't pretty. it still isn't pretty. i'm annoyed that my night is no longer pretty. and i finally had a good sunday, too. and dad is kicking me off now. brilliant.

listening to: the raveonettes - love can destroy

today is a good sunday. having eileen over was very nice. i'm so glad my sister can have cool friends. that lucky ducky. they have gone to rehearsal right now, but we had a really nice morning. we recorded lots of music and filmed all kinds of randomness and eileen joined DOY. woohoo! i'm in a nice mood, but i have to go do my homework soon...
blue citrus hearts. 7 pm. peabody place. indie memphis. please come, kids. it's a nice film. plus i'll be there and i need to see you.

the night has gotten really nice. morgan's friend eileen is awesome. i had only met her once briefly before tonight, but i really like her and i'm glad morgan can have such a cool friend. i can hear her playing guitar to morgan in the bedroom right now. aww. i'm about to go in there. we played some really silly music, and recorded some silly things on the camera, and i feel insanely creative right now. go figure. i told you that late nights are way productive. i think i told you, anyway.
download an mp3 of morgan's poem that we sort of ... did.

listening to: eileen

today turned out how i thought it would, but sort of through a different way. i'd thought i would spend most of the day helping brock and wenli with their french videos and not having any fun, and then me and brock would probably go do some okay event afterwards. instead, we worked on these videos literally all day long. brock called and woke me up at 11:20 and i got to his house at like 12:45. sorry it took me so long. i had to buy tapes and stuff too, though. wenli and i got there at the exact same time. we all stood around and ate nutella on crackers for a few minutes before getting started with brock's video (a commercial for his house, done in french). before too long, melissa showed up driving her dad's car, and we filmed wenli's video (a french commercial for the car). then melissa left and we finished filming for brock. at about 4:30 the three of us came to my house, ate at sonic, and finally finished editting wenli's video just after 7. i felt bad that we'd taken up so much of her time. then brock and i started to work on his video. it took forever. nobody seems to realize how long editting stuff actually takes. we had planned to finish up quickly, and take in a movie at the film fest because brock knew i wanted to go. what a nice boy.
unfortunately, that is not what happened. we spent forever trying to just get the basics done, which wasn't too bad. brock editted himself, and i helped him out along the way. that was really nice. then when we had the basic structure of the video done, we went back to add the intro and some other tidbits. for the opening, brock had planned to sing this song to the tune of a mozart piece, so i left the room for him to do it. a good while later, he came back to morgan's room, where she, eileen (who is spending the night), and i were listening to morgan's first and very infamous mix cd. we all danced around to a few songs. then brock went back to try to record the song some more. i came in a while later, and he had given up. i tried to help him some, but then morgan and eileen came in, and everything fell away to hell. we watched as much of brock's video as we had done, wenli's video, bb3, and the yeah yeah yeahs "maps" video. yes again. giowhpihwg. morgan is obsessive. then brock called his mom to come pick him up. he was obviously really tired. poor kid. it was another night where it feels like someone needs to spend the night. maybe it was just because of eileen being here and everything, and the beautiful little moment in morgan's room with all of us dancing and singing on the bed. it felt very slumber party. where is my friend? i'm all alone online, while they are partying on the other side of the house. mope mope mope.
but actually getting to hang out with brock was really nice today. some shit that has been going through my head wasn't there tonight, which i was very happy about. i don't know what's been up. oh well. but it was really funny having wenli there, because she pointed out (or sometimes her presence just made me realize) all these things brock and i do, like randomly bursting into songs and whatnot. it was just nice, because it made me feel connected to him. special and all that. maybe that was part of what made the day better.
dad just brought me a package from katie!!! katie, i don't know if you read this blog, but DEAR GOD i'm so sorry i still haven't sent you a letter. i feel awful about that. you're the sweetest kid ever and thank you SO MUCH for the sigur rós cd and the advanced copy of wasteland (which seems really short!!!). i love you katie! weeeeoooooo.
wenli is talking to me, and it is really nice. i liked getting to hang out with her today, because i haven't before. so that is very good. i like her.
eileen and morgan are coming in, so i must depart.

I GET ALONG JUST SINGING MY SONG, PEOPLE TELL ME I'M WRONG

...fuck em...

(GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG)


listening to: LIBERTINES, MUTHAFUCKA!

holy shit i'm still eating my cold french fries. i got them at like 7. they were cold by 7:01.
how is THAT for slow eating, muthafucka?!

just got off the phone with brock. i love talking to him until his phone dies. wahaha. i love that even though we hear it beep and dying, he always calls back to let me know that his phone died, but that maybe he would call me back on the cell later when it became free. today was pretty blagh. fucking friday on a shit stick. oh well. i have a root beer float.

GWAHAHAH WILLIAM HAS A RASPUTINA LINE FROM "THE NEW ZERO" IN HIS AIM AWAY MESSAGE. WAAHHHH AND IT'S A GREAT LINE. WAAAAHHHHHHH i'm happy.
can he help us get into the show next sunday?

fuck this shit, i'm walking to sonic.

today sucks. you know the usual friday feeling of WEEEE WEEKEND? well i had that yesterday. but no longer, my friend. for some reason this weekend looks sickly bleak and hopeless. so far, that outlook has proven true. i came home alone from school and have been here ever since. doing nothing. and i hate it. i asked dad to take me to the scribbler coffeehouse, for COMPLETE lack of things to do, but he will be in a meeting later and wouldn't be able to pick me up. everyone is doing shit. i'm alone. oh well. i would like to go to the indie memphis film festival. no ride. this is really shitty. someone come save me haha?
tomorrow doesn't look any better. i have to film/edit brock's and wenli's french projects. oh well, it'll probably be funnish. but i would so much rather be working on one of OUR films, you know? when brock first said he was working on his french movie, i freaked out. then i realized he meant the stupid commercial for class. he's making the most of it, though, and it should be funny. i just hope it doesn't take too insanely long to do, and that i don't fall asleep in midst of all the french. why is morgan watching degreassi? also, elise's play is this weekend, and i only feel slightly bad that i can't go. last night i was busy, tonight i have no rides (but if i did, i would probably resort to the play), and tomorrow i will be filming. i talked to elise for about 30 seconds longer than normal a little while ago. it was odd. she said she might call later, i don't know how that will go. i think we have different views on why we are no longer hanging out/talking at all. and i didn't really know what to say to gently dissuade her because there is no gentle way to do it. the plain truth is that we just are not compatible friends. we don't have enough in common. and when it gets to the point that nearly every little thing someone does is bugging you, you just have to lay it down. why do my posts lately keep becoming these damned nuts life repetetive shits? stop me, someone.

listening to: adam ant - kick

i. LOVE. laylee-kevin-becca nights. so damn much. it isn't even funny. i wish i could see them all the time because then life would be so much better. i love them and they love me and everything is beautiful. there are always moments when i feel like i'm intruding on their beautiful, though, which is inevitable since i don't see them lots and lots. but. it's nice.
so today at about 6:45 becca came over to record, and we just hung out, listened to music, and ate macaroni for a few minutes until dad and morgan left for rehearsal. once they left, becca recorded a take of her new song "nothing fuck" which went really well. since it's still very much in baby state, she only did it once before we moved on. she tried to record "paper hearts" to see what it sounds like without kevin, but something funky was happening with the guitar. then we tried to record "morning sickness" but it took her awhile to get used to playing it again. when we were finally a decent way into the song, the damned phone rang. that was okay, because it was laylee asking when we wanted to go to open mic. all in all, becca eventually recorded a lower version (she didn't have athena) of "my telephone" and one of "paper hearts." i think that's it. she tried out a couple other things, but without the kapo nothing was really working.
open mic was okay. laylee made me wear weird, tall shoes and kevin's hat, which was fun. plus, laylee and becca were wearing my shirts. oh it was hot. when we got there, who should be up at the mic but (surprise, surprise) michael himself. and of course he played for the majority of the time we were there. he didn't stop playing until ana literally forced him to. and even after she told him to quit, he made this comment about "can i just play a show? right now?" the ASS. i really hate him. then ana read one poem, and he played another damn song. then tilden played a 'song' and it was nuts, but i didn't really have to pretend to pay attention because i was watching daniel goof off. i like him, i'm glad he was there. tonight i really remembered why i stopped going to these things. right as becca was FINALLY about to play, michael had to make a huge production over the fact that he was leaving. it took him like ten minutes to make this stupid speech about it. and then when he was done, becca launched into "paper hearts." by now, amber and will had shown up and were standing at the counter. so counter-lady, michael, and amber got to chat it up all through becca's song. it was so fucking annoying. i wanted to kill everyone. it would've been nice to talk to amber, but i didn't really want to do it while someone was playing, and i think she left after just a couple minutes of chat. then becca played "my telephone" which was better because michael was finally fucking gone. GOD. i used to like him, wow remember that? when he had the HAIR and the little facial thing? haa. remember how he would sort of levitate off his stool and sing "you're so prettYYYYYYYYYY" and it was really really nice? that was like the second time i ever went. brock and i fell in love. and now i hate his everlasting guts. i'm going to shut up, because now i'm positive he'll find this. oh well, maybe it will make him stop playing for so damn long. it's really intimidating to kids who are unsure of reading, also. i should know. anyway. becca played so well, even though the audience was nuts. after that, we were just going to leave, but we stayed while daniel read two thingies. one was a funny monologue and the other one was some bits of dialogue. i'm not really sure what you would call it. he tends to do that, i think -- read something funny and then something really serious. it's nice that he can be both, anyway.
becca has the greatest laugh. kevin has the best car mix. laylee is the best fucking person alive. more nights should involve them. in technical terms, the night didn't go too well... we didn't really get anything recorded, and open mic was pretty shitty, on most accounts. BUT i had a great time just because i was seeing the best people on the planet. i'm having this absolutely nuts flashback to the end of last year, when we were going to all the open-mics and pretty much the only reason i kept going was to see laylee, becca, and sometimes kevin, and then i'd be hanging out with people who were feeling like the total opposite. plus there was this really weird distance from brock at the time, and surprisingly, i think we're having another one. part of it is just this extreme shock of not having talked to him outside of school at ALL this week, when a week or two ago we talked on the phone for at least an hour every day. and then when we hang out, i feel like he doesn't want to be there. i've gone over this, and i'm totally rambling. why? to avoid history, of course. ah well. i better go anyway.

me: i love you to death
laylee: i love YOU to death

me: i love you to pieces
becca: i love youa s well!

me: i love you to pizza
kevin: i love you to samsonite

why can't my stupid fucking lamp stand up straight?
not only does it refuse to stand up straight, it has been moving slowly for the past couple minutes and i'm really horrified that it's about to fall. my therapist and the media co-op have this same lamp, only theirs are not shitty reconstructions of the leaning tower of pisa. i just don't understand. i fear for my safety right now. even though the lamp is leaning rather crookedly against the wall, i am positive that it has the capability of reaching out to grab my life at any moment.
i really need some sleep.

SICK OF STAYING UP LATE. SICK OF STAYING UP LATE.

baby go back to your womb

today's brilliant chain of wonderful event began in the car on the way to school. (as previously stated, i'd fallen asleep last night before i did anything except math homework, so i was trying to read american political tradition during the drive.) morgan was talking about how on the phone last night, mom asked her if she had a boyfriend yet, because apparently our relatives (and people who might as well be our relatives, and very well could be) have been asking. morgan said no, but that miss alanna has one. dad's response, of course, was incredibly loud laughter.
stated: AND WHO WOULD THAT BE?!
implied: WHO WOULD EVER DATE MY DISGUSTING, EVIL DAUGHTER?
way to make a kid feel loved, pops.
morning wasn't so bad. christie gave me half a pop-tart. brock was absent from the pre-homeroom festivites, probably doing shit for scribbler staff. i spent the whole day trying to read that stupid chapter for history. chemistry was nice because i understand still/again. woohoo. in english we had a LOCKDOWN so that we don't get shot. joseph sat his fat ass on me. that piece of fuck. oh fuck we have a latin test tomorrow. well there goes my A.
by lunch i wasn't that worried about history. i only had 3 pages left, and i figured i could spare those, with what katherine and brock said about the discussion format today: each person was assigned a character and got asked a couple individual questions. that's it. it didn't seem bad at all, so i didn't even bother to finish the reading, and had a marvelous lunch, filled with screams and mystery emails. so going into class, i was in a genius mood. most of class was actually taken up by looking over our last test and 2 oral presentations. but since we had so little time left for discussion, we didn't do it in the same format as 5th period. she just asked genereal questions. there were some that i could've answered and everything, but i just didn't i guess. i always feel so wrong in there. i don't know. so after everyone but me had talked, she asked this one question where nobody raised their hand. so she looked right at me and said "come on, redeem yourself." and i sort of tittered something that was PART of the answer... and she kept trying to make me say more and give me sort of hints, but i couldn't THINK like that. i would've had to know almost exactly what i was going to say before i even raised my hand. which i did not. oh well. it wasn't that big of a deal, and i didn't feel absolutely ret@rd*d until after the discussion was officially over, and elise gave me this wink and thumbs up sign kinda thing, saying "good job!" then i felt really idiotic. i knew i hadn't done anything resembling a good job, and she was saying it trying to be nice, but it completely backfired. it was more condescending than anything, just because she doesn't understand. so the bell rang. joseph started talking to her about tomorrow's in-class essay, so i was like "thank god, i'm going to be saved from talking to her as i walk out." i guess i jinxed it, because she said my name as i passed by, and had to stand there until she was done with the other kiddies. and finally...
her: did i embarass you?
me: no... it's just that i can't think with everyone expecting me to say something
her: are you sure, or are you just being stubborn?
me: no
her: ...
me: ...
her: well i'm going to be honest, it's a hassle for me to have to stay after school for you to take the written test. you're not only punishing yourself, you're punishing ME!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
her: ...
her: did you read all of it?
me: yes
her: well you had a good 20 minutes worth of questions, and i KNOW you could've answered some of them!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...

basically it was hell. i can't even remember how it ended, because by then i was so upset. guys, i can't even explain what it is she does to me. i lose all my dignity, self-control, and strength and my lip just trembles. i can't talk because my throat is tight and terrible, and it's the worst thing in the world. i walked out of there feeling like shit and staring at my feet. i know my little lip was quivering away and my damn eyes were watery when i ran into becca's feet. she said my name in her beautiful becca way, and after that i just sort of crashed. all i remember is crying into her shoulder, and i think she asked me a couple questions but i couldn't really talk. it was awful. i literally have not cried in years. i'm so serious. laylee thought i lost the ability in the war. i thought so, too. it felt really teeangery/angsty/highschool to have done that, but it actually felt really nice. i still feel really cleansed. i felt bad to have unleashed this mountain of at least 5 years' worth of pent-year tears on becca in the span of about 30 seconds. i hope she wasn't late to class. i, on the other hand, was slightly late to class and mrs. jennings asked me twice if i was okay. it was really nice of her, i guess, but what could she do?
her: are you okay?
me: no, i want to die. can you help?

actually, she asked if i was okay, and if i wanted any tissue. i said no to both, but probably should've said otherwise. it was strange having to sniffle my way through the quiz, but stranger that i could still operate pretty well under the circumstances. i think i did pretty well on that quiz. for once, i actually liked getting to go to math after history, because i didn't really have to think. if i still had study hall after history, i would've had to deal with margaret and elizabeth, which could've been really nice, but also really weird.
after school, i didn't really want to unleash my shit on anyone or anything. becca had said she would talk to me after class, but she wasn't there. i felt like she was the only person i could/should talk to, probably because she had seen me in my weakest state and i wouldn't really have to explain too much to her. i ran into kevin and laylee, who apparently noticed that i looked sad, but they were beautiful as always. they gave me a sucker. it was a good sucker. i love them. i didn't really say anything though. i didn't want to burden them or anything. but becca didn't come out front, and then robin asked me how history was anyway. i still didn't really want to talk, so i was really vague about it. a while later, lauren h talked to me for the first time in a while, and she asked about my day so i sort of detailed the history a little more. and i was feeling slightly better, so i got to make it funny-ish and talk about how ervin looks like a pink leprachaun with yellow paper eyes, and all that. being silly about it made it seem less real and less personal. even funnier, brock had to go by her class to get a book he forgot about, and since there was no one else left, i went with him. i planned to wait like 10 feet away from her classroom to avoid her, but as we approached the room, we realized SHE WAS BEHIND US. GOIAHIPSOHGWOEH. it was terrifying. but it's pretty funny to think of how it must look that brock and i hang out. her amazing, perfect-essay student and her idiot, refuses-to-speak student. and they're lobsters. aha.
this is a fucking long post. shit.
anyway that's about it. laylee called me and talked to me for hours on end, because she could tell i was upset today. i love that. and everybody is being really great about it. thanks to all the kids. i love you.
brandon: oh i had a weird experience involving you last night
me: don't you always
brandon: yeah
brandon: this was different though
me: what happened
brandon: i woke up at three in the morning (i had fallen asleep at 12) and sat straight up, sweating my ass off and with my shirt off and i said your name out loud
brandon: and then went back to sleep

and on that note, happy birthday to margaret tomorrow. happy birthday to katherine w yesterday.
farwell to elliott smith.

listening to: throwing muses - limbo
(i can't even tell you how animated i am when i listen to music alone. i make awful faces and hand gestures like a fucking mime. it's really bad. thank god i'm alone.)

elliott smith died... if you don't care to read an entire article, they think it was probably a suicide. he didn't OD or anything, but people suspected he'd gotten back onto heroin or something over the past couple months. poor elliott. there's nothing like music by a depressed, ex-junkie, alcoholic when you're down. it's too bad he couldn't listen to himself.

WHERE ARE THE BAND-AIDS? I NEED A BAND-AID! AWOIGHIOPWGH

so at 9:30 last night i went back to my room to start reading the history homework. the assignment where i always DIE IN CLASS the next day. i lay down for a minute, to get some strength up. i wasn't tired or anything. and yet, i fell asleep. dad came in at 11 and woke me up. i lay there some more, really tired by now and feeling stupid. i think i must've drifted off again or something because when i finally dragged myself out of bed it was (surprise, surprise) midnight. so i fucked everything and went to bed for real. now i have no homework done and i'm still tired. life sucks.

"i don't want to look inside your heads. it involves blood and marionettes." -- actual, real life, true story quote from our very own mrs. jennings, of the algebra persuasian

oh my god, my mom is the CUTEST thing. she just referenced KAREN O on the phone. what a wonderful woman. she is in georgia, because grandma had surgery yesterday. gma is doing good, though, and mom plans to come home on thursday.
anyway, my aunt nura (phyllis) ray is down there too, and mom said that the other day she did something that reminded mom of KAREN O. i love my mother.

HOLY SHIT. THIS LUNACHICKS CD IS SO FUCKING GOOD.
AGOPWEHPIOAWHAWOPEGHOPAWGHEH.
i'm sure it sounds like i say that about everything. but. i'm so serious.
"I AM JAN! JAN I AM! I LIKE TO EAT! GREEN EGGS AND HAM!"
plus, i have a bagel. this is too great.

listening to: lunachicks - jan brady

god i hate waking up. why do i keep staying up so late?!
well i'm in a better mood than yesterday. laylee told me she would cry if i changed those things, and that i wouldn't be alanna anymore. so i was like 'fuck that, laylee is the only one who loves me anyway and if she doesnt like me then who fucking will.' so the end. morgan is in the bathroom with my shoes. aufh.

listening to: the npr pledge drive. haah.

man, laylee and kevin are the adorablest things. i'm jealous as hell.

you can talk a blue streak
you can talk till you're blue
i am drinking dr. pepper. hell yes. i have a craving for pasta. kevin gives the best hugs. afternoon showers are nice. post-shower loud singing is better. limbo is fucking god. today is okay right now.

listening to: throwing muses - night driving
(featuring cellos. oh i'm melting. oh god. plus it has one of those half-way switches in the song. i love those things. they slay me. oh god. i'm slo-ed.)

i'm not good at being alone

today was a bleggity monday. it wasn't awful, though, which was good. we had a blegh history test, which was all multiple choice because ms. ervin had a terrible migraine? the questions were really random and i didn't know a lot of them. i'm rather put out, because i studied a bit and all. phh.
not too much else to say about today... nisha and ima sat with us at lunch. miranda was there for a little while too, asking about the history test. it felt really weird. and the more people there are, the quieter sallis is, which i don't like. i wish i got to see/talk to sallis more. it's too bad. and i think i am also quieter when there are more people. brock says it was nice because there was different conversation. well i'm sorry if i don't give a SHIT about the lizzy mcguire movie and how cute her clothes were. it was just weird. i miss our lunch from the first couple weeks of school. i also wish wexler's 5th period always had c lunch. sigh. those were the days, i guess.
i have talked about that for much too long. laylee, becca, and kevin made me really happy today. i love them. they continue to forever joy me to death. i usually see kevin and laylee first off after school while i'm walking to my locker. and then after i say bye to them, i'm still in a great mood. but after i go to my locker and say hi to other people, i get un-happied. i don't know why it is. i guess it's just that they are so wonderfully full of love and physicality and everything, and then everyone else is ... not. and mean rather than nice. cold rather than warm.
this is making it sound really bad. i love everyone, don't get me wrong. i don't know what's wrong with me gopahwpihpoehoahegpohpwoahgpeh.
but kevin kissed me today. and all was well.

listening to: the gossip - heartbeats

i am trying to put on my shoes but the laces are all covered with seeds, so i have to tie them very carefully. i hope i plant some trees or bushes or whatever today.

my dad's neck hurt. now my hands hurt because i just gave him a massage. god i am SO DAMNED NICE. no, but really. i am such a mean person, i need to be less mean and argue less and talk less in general. people have to help me out with this shit.

stayed up till 5 talking to brandon. it was really nice, we haven't done that in a while. it made me very happy. the next best thing was waking up and talking to him again. it felt just like the summer. plus he told me his most embarassing sexual exploits, which, as it turns out, are all of them.
i am in the middle of taking practice tests for the history test tomorrow. shitttt i hate this.
becca is supposed to come record this week..... i don't want to jinx it though, by saying that this time it will happen.
laylee said she's been wanting to comment, so. here are go.

today was actually really fucking awesome. psats? fuck that! so i only finished like 2 of the sections. if that. i had an awesome day! take that, (mis)guidance bitches. you know i don't even want to TALK about that shit. i don't even care. i realized that i had thrown on a shirt that has a little hole in it, in the chest area. and it being so early, i was too lazy to put on a bra. oh well. i guess i'm a slut now. laylee was in the testing room with me, though. we made eyes. she looked hot.
my wonderful mother, being my wonderful mother, knew that i needed chocolate for the test. she did something similar last year, only last year she found some hershey's kisses in our house someplace. this year, she looked around but couldn't find any, so she packed me a little tupperware full of chocolate chips. they were a huge hit. elise ate them very quickly. probably because she dropped most of them. they made becca very happy. i offered them all around, and i don't understand why some people didn't accept them. there are some things i will never understand.
so there was a little time to hang out and talk to kids a bit before we left. i think a bunch of kids had decided to go to lunch somewhere or something. it would've been fun to go, but it was MY LAYLEE DAY so nothing else mattered. we saw my mom eventually, and we went by bookstar. it was funny because whenever laylee and i used to hang out, we would always default to poplar plaza. i don't really know why. i can't even remember what we are at bookstar for, but they didn't have it. and since laylee and i have no brains, we couldn't think of anywhere for mom to take us, so she just took us home. we sat around trying to think for a bit. gave up. watched some music videos. had to quickly make up our minds, and ended up driving with dad and morgan to rehearsal. we had a 'lovely' experience in the first congo bathrooms before walking to last chance records, where i bought the new distillers, as previously stated. don't even make me talk about the album art.
then we walked around and talked about buying a disposable camera. but laylee thought it would be a waste of money, that she needed to be saving, because the pictures wouldn't be good enough and then she wouldn't want to develop them and something and so on. which was too bad, because the day was SO beautiful and there were SO many little lovely things to photograph. and i had grabbed the video camera, but for some reason we just didn't use it in replacement. we should have, because it would've been better than nothing. but we're nuts. anyway we ended up at pie in the sky, and we each got a slice of pizza and shared a milkshake. laylee, did i pay you back for my half of that milkshake? i can't remember. but anyway, when laylee was paying she turned and asked me who was paying for it. so the owner, lou, knew we were sharing it, and made enough for both of us on purpose. it was the absolute sweetest thing. he brought us two cups and everything. plus it was an absolutely gorgeous, frothful milkshake. mmm. okay. we sat outside in the wonderfulness. there was a man from new york on a bike, in a black and white striped shirt. he was nice. he caught some of my trash when it blew away off the table. we saw him riding around later, too. i hope he had as good a day in midtown as ours.
laylee and i are the same person. we discussed this over lunch. we would live together so damned well. we need to get married. but it was decided that if we dated, we would just be sitting around going "what do YOU want to do" at every moment. i love laylee more than anything. she put her hand in my shirt and told me how perfect my shoulders are. how nobody else trips like me. how my ugly-ass knees are cute. etc etc etc. see! i couldn't be around anyone else for forever. and right now i think she is the only person who really wants to be around me.
after lunch, we went into legba where they were having a used records sale, and laylee bought 3 moody blues albums for kevin, which made him very happy. it was sweet. i got a poster for my family, and a free magazine thing. man that reminds me. what happened to those? oh i think i left them in laylee's bag. laylee, give them back. give them back to me, or i'll-- malephasent?! how do you spell that shit anyway? okay. i would feel bad if we went into legba and didn't buy anything because it's always empty. so i like to buy there, even though i had just gotten something at last chance, so i didn't have the money to get another cd. plus i nearly ended up wasting a bunch of money, because i accidentally left my distillers cd IN legba, and didn't realize it for a couple hours. haha whats wrong with me.
we got out of there eventually, and walked down cooper for a couple blocks. outside the old last chance, we stopped for a minute, just talking and dancing around. these cute little boys walked by, and we said hello. i don't know why i'm mentioning them, because we said hello to a lot of people. but i liked these little boys. they kept turning around to look at us after they passed. so we realized we were standing next to the thing that used to be train tracks over cooper? (it's the one that they tried to make pretty, by putting that disgusting public art of the buildings over it. i wish somebody would grafitti those damn things.) well, the tracks are still there, but the part that goes over the street is fenced off, probably with good reason. i had always wanted to go up, though, so we ran across the street, left our jackets lying on the ground, and climbed up the hill for a looksie. we found that the old tracks are still there, but are completely covered up with plants and fallen trees. it was interesting, so we followed them for a little ways. there was also a little hill over the other side of the tracks. one place in particular looked less high up, or less steep, or something than the rest of the way. we sort of peered over it for a bit. then laylee was like "i'm just going to go down a little ways." so of course we ended up sliding down the side of the hill/cliff. i left the camera and all our stuff up at the top, and we didn't even think about how we'd get back up. that was completely beside the point. so we walked back towards the way we'd come, and looked at the grafitti. makes you wish you'd brought your own spray paint. i wish i was cool enough to draw a mushroom and write 'LSD' over it. or "i heart the beastie boys." too bad i'm not. it was very great fun tramping through the everything. it felt like going through the woods in georgia, only you could hear all these cars going by. very strange. you'd never think this little area of immense green-ity existed behind some train tracks, you know? it was so nice. there was another place where the hill was less steep, and i climbed back up to find this absolutely GREAT little hiding place. it was like a little cave that these bushes made... i wish we'd taken pictures of all these things. when laylee caught up, we sat in it for a minute. it was so nice. then she decided to try to get back up to the railroad tracks from the groundie ground because the bushes we were sitting under were so thick. she climbed up on these cement blocks that block the little hideaway from the street, while i slid under and through some bushes to get back up to the thingie thing. she said that her view was nice, so we went and sat on the edge of the blocks and watched cars and people go by. i said hello to a woman who was walking across the street, but she just gave me a not-nice look. and aside from that, none of hte other pedestrians noticed us. or maybe they were too used to kids doing that, but I'VE never actually seen anyone sitting up there before. we just sat up there for a good while. kevin called a couple times, and i lay there while laylee talked to him. what a beautiful day too. after a while we got nervous that people were going to take our jackets. it wouldn't have been that big of a deal, but laylee has no winter clothes, and that jacket wasn't even hers to begin with. so we started back, and i went to get the camera and things. a man walked by and asked laylee if those were our jackets. it was funny. he said he was going to take them, and he watched us psuedo-slide down the hill. it made it slightly awkward. but everything was still there and whatnot. and my distillers cd was still in legba when we went back there. it gives me faith in the good people of midtown.
man i really hope i'm not ruining this moment by writing about it. i just thought of that. fuck me. laylee, make me delete this if it does.
but we were COMPLETELY covered with seeds when we got out. i had at least 4 different kinds of sticky seeds on me. they were really nice, so i didn't take them off. i put quite a few new rips in my skirt, too. i was too excited, i think. i ran all around and things were catching everywhere, but i didn't care. oh well, as long as it still fits around my waist i am cool. there will be no skirt left before i stop wearing it.
we didn't really go where we were going after that, so we just sort of hung out at this corner for a while. the one next to that fucking creepy frog. ew. we ended up turning the corner and walking on the street that isn't cooper, simply because we didn't remember what was down there. i think it was just houses. but we saw that jay kid. we pretended to wait for a bus that wasn't coming, because it was a speed limit sign, not a bus stop sign. it was good.
so we got back on cooper and saw another train bridge. we contemplated how one would go about getting up to it, but decided that we shouldn't do it because it would ruin the adventure-ness of the first one, so we walked past it down to peabody park or whatever it's called, and swang on the swings. i love swings with laylee. then some fucking awful southern kids came, and we died. it was okay, because i continued to sing loudly and be an ass. we realized that it was almost 3:30 and brock's art class ended at 4, so we should make plans to do something quick with him and kevin, before laylee and kevin went to see kill bill at 5. since kevin was supposed to pick up laylee and i at 4, everything would be lovely. i was worried about calling brock on his cell phone, because what if he hadn't turned it off and it rang in the middle of class, and the teacher gave him the evil eye, etc, etc. i don't really know what the atmosphere in that kind of class is like. but i called him anyway, thinking i could just leave him a voicemail message or something. but he fucking picked up. as it turns out, he had walked out of class to call me, and had just got off the phone with my parent. how funny is that? i love the boy. swoon. anyway, he the plan was dubbed good, and i was in a wonderful beautiful mood so i was being very loud and laughity. i don't think he enjoyed it too much. people need to tell me when to shut up, sometimes. i wonder if i would.
after a while of swinging and listening to the annoying southern girls, we decided that yes indeed it WOULD be worth it to go up to the train tracks. plus there was a really nice little path up from the park, and all. so we climbed up it and i filmed laylee walking around on the tracks a little bit. it was cool because there was actually a train up on one of the tracks, and it was strange to think that we were on tracks that are actually USED and everything. we ventured out onto the part of the tracks that goes over the street, and we could actually see cars under our feet. it was insane. there was one hole between 2 tracks that was bigger than the other ones, and something insane made me completely unafraid, and i wanted to sit in it. but laylee was practical and wouldn't let me. looking back, i was completely nuts. imagine being the car going under the pass thing and seeing up some girl's skirt. christ, have some dignity. anyway we made it to the other side, where we sat next to some beautiful caution tape and discussed how some pictures we would have taken if we had had a camera. i had left jerry and all our shit on the other side of the bridge, and it didn't really feel appropriate to go back for a video camera, when we really wanted a regular one. but it would've been so nice. maybe we'll go back one day... at one point those awful girls followed us, climbed up on the train, and promptly left. like they were trying to be the adventure and it wasn't working out for htem. well fuck that. it was really funny because when they were leaving the park, they saw us up on the tracks across the street. ahahaha. laylee said one of them waved. a little while after we lost sight of them, they all screamed at the same time. laylee made a great comment about how they probably almost got hit by a car because they didn't know how to walk around midtown right. BWAHAHAH stupid creepy bitches. eventually kevin drove by (under?) and we waved and he grinned. what a beautiful grin. i love the mountain man. he climbed up also, but we had to leave because kevin had been later than we expected and brock was waiting for us. i feel really bad about telling brock that kevin would get him and not telling kevin that we ewre getting brock. anyway, by the time we'd picked up brock, it was too late to do anything before the movie, so brock and i just got dropped off at my house and that was that.
brock looked so very art in all black and very fall and beautiful. we hung out at my house. we sat outside for a while, and he put people's phone numbers into his new phone and we talked and etc. we came in, and he got online to talk to lauren d. i went back to the bathroom, and i started to hear this buzzing. i figured there was a fly racketing around my room, so i stopped walking to find it. the noise stopped. i started to walk again, and the buzzing came back. then i got this reallly weird notion that it was coming from me, so i took off my skirt as carefully as i could whilst going nuts, and this absolutely MASSIVE bumblee crawled out. i ran around the room pantless and screamed until mom came and got rid of it. it was quite exciting, though. i guess it was attracted to all my seeds? mom thought it had crawled in and gone to sleep. how nuts. i couldn't even feel it.
then brock did my hair. it was gorgeous. we also tried to call a few people but they were all busy. so of course we just ended up at sonic. sigh. we made a lot of friends there, though. there were these kids in their car who were very obviously watching us. i don't blame them or anything, it's really easy/fun to watch whoever is eating outside at sonic. but we played it up, and it was too much fun. we performed the best time ever, with hugely gestured hand movements in our conversations. at one point, we just randomly turned to their stupid fucking car and gwilked at them. it was amazingly great. brock waved as they were leaving, but they didn't wave back. asses.
my server had pink hair. she was awesome. i need to work at sonic.
two girls in a car across the damned parking lot were calling to us, and so we walked over. they thought that my yellow skirt was a spongebob skirt. i told them it was not, but that my new goal in life was to get one. they still thought the skirt was cute, and asked where i got it. i LOVED being able to say "oh my aunt made this when she was in high school." i felt awesome. i bet they were just being polite, though.
brock got a sundae thing, and is insane. he gave me the fucking ice cream off the top of it, and wiped the whipped cream off the rest. he is fucking nuts. but i was more than grateful for the ice cream. woowoo. shit i had a lot of ice cream yesterday! i had that milkshake, half of brock's sundae, and some chocolate later at home. god i'm such a pig! that has got to stop.
we came home, to find mom downloading "wuthering heights" by kate bush, which was supposedly my first favorite rock song. so mom had to play it for brock of course. it is way too high for me to sing. plus i think i lost some of my vocal chords a couple weeks ago when i was sick.. it's really too bad. but i love knowing that ms. bush wrote the song when she was 14, and recorded it when she was 16. how fucking awesome is that?! and thinking that since then, she's been making records. god what a great life. too bad i'm cursed with no musical talent, because if i had some, i would be all over shit. you know. with a band. and albums. and talent. le sigh.
so mom and dad played some more songs for brock, and then i played some music videos for everyone, because they are my passion lately. it was fun. then we put on this movie called "mystery train" which was set and filmed in memphis. it wasn't very good, though. brock had to leave in the middle, unfortunately. it's too bad that he has to leave so early on Nights... even earlier than when i would've been taken home when elise used to be the eternal ride. but it's always okay, because the Night has started earlier. it's really strange to think that a lot of last year's saturday nights didn't even begin until like 7 or something. how nuts.
20 minutes or something after brock had left, mom out of nowhere said "i don't know why brock puts up with you. you're so mean." we hadn't been talking about brock, and i hadn't been doing anything mean. in fact, we had just been sitting there watching the movie since he walked out the door. it was really strange, and thinking that it was true made me feel really shitty. especially because of part of a conversation we'd had earlier, after we called people and no one was home. brock was saying he felt like he didn't know anybody, and that of course i didn't count. i think the last few weekends he has been really restless with this routine we've picked up of just hanging out at my house and sometimes taking in a movie. i mean i know he's been enjoying himself at least a little, because for one thing he keeps coming back. but we're severely in need of a car. and then i think, when brock can drive will i still even be in the picture? and if i am, will that just be because i don't count as anybody, and he doesn't think he'll have anyone else to be with? i don't know. but i don't know why he does put up with me, sine i really am so mean and all that. i don't know. i really need to learn to be nicer. the other day after school i was depressed and wondering who i have become. i mean, i have always been critical and everything, but mostly never just dead-on mean, and making jokes at other people's expense. that was never who i was, because i have always been the person on the other end. and then i look at some things i say, or some things i laugh at, and get really upset with myself. so i want that to stop. and i want to be less stupid with my family, and i want to be less mean in general. and i want to talk less. yes. brock says i dominate conversations, and i need not to. please kill me when i do these things. shit. guys. look at me rambling. do you realize this post has taken me like an 53 fucking hours to write? no seriously it took like 2. god damn it. and after so much fucking writing, i didn't even end on a positive note. fuck this shit.
me and laylee are going to get married and live together and not die. that is, unless she hates me eternally for letting her see kill bill... fuck that, it's going to be good. there will be no joint suicide. there will be only pretty.

listening to: the distillers - for tonight you're only here to know

listening to the new distillers album. i was really enjoying this song and it felt all great and whatnot until i looked at the title and realized she's screaming "TELL ME SOMETHING. WILL I DIE WILL I DIE ON A ROPE?" and something about bleeding from the neck.
the whole album is a little like this... i want to read the lyrics, because normally brody is clever and i like them. but i feel like if i do that with this album, i won't like the songs anymore. how shitty is that. i'm very put out. someone else come do it for me and tell me whether it is okay to read them of not.

listening to: the distillers - die on a rope

saw kill bill with brock tonight.
can't remember much about today. only it was fastish, and i did better on my math test than i thought i had. woo.
psats tomorrow. am supposed to hang with one miss laylee, but i don't know any details. therefore i might just be at school for like 5 hours waiting for something to happen, and it won't be happening.

hey guys didn't i tell you this would happen? on my night of very little homework, i am still up at midnight and nowhere near done with my homework?
hell yeah.

listening to: twinkie - dead (awesome pixies cover)

HOLY SHIT!!! FUCK FAYETTEVILLE, AK!
RASPUTINA IS COMING TO FUCKING MEMPHIS
AGWEIOHA WGIOPEHPGIOAWE HOPIAHGOPWEH OPAIHOPDGHOASDHGAHWEIOGH ASDLKGHAOPGWEIHOPAHSDOGIHAO PWEHGASOPDGHIOPAW EHGPOAIHDGLFKASHPAOGWEI HGOPIAHSDLGKHAPWEOGHASODHGL;AKSD GHAOPWEGHPAOWEHIGIAHSOPDG

i'm such a loser for sitting here downloading AFI videos.
well i'm sorry. i like to sit here and analyze the look of videos, and "girl's not grey" is particularly fun. they do some nuts editting stuff, and there are some very nice visuals. it's also very ROCK which i always love. some cool parts to the video of quick converse-clad feet flying over the drumset... it's very nice. it makes me want to have a band and/or make music videos. no, seriously, i'm a sucker for like. every single music video ever created. okay maybe it just feels like that right now because i keep watching ones i like.
help me out, and recommend some good videos for me to download/watch:

oh, dad bitched at the school and they are letting me take psats at white station's nasty ass on saturday. katherine told me that this other kid paid for his YESTERDAY, so i told mom, and they made them let me take it. i guess that is good. it's good simply because mom is now in a great mood, and i will get to hang out with laylee after the test. plus i really love this interpol album suddenly. holy shit it's fucking amazing. this is no joke. seriously, i will burn this for someone. it's not something you need to dip your toes in and test out... you need to just dive into the whole thing. i guess because it's a lot to take in. i don't know.
also, becca couldn't come over and record like we'd planned because her parents are fucking nuts. how depressing. maybe this weekend... sigh.

i'm all tangly. anyone up for open-mic tonight?

got to be some more change in my life
it's up to me now . turn on the bright lights
i can't understand why i have to be so mood swing. after school today, first off, i was annoyed because i don't think i did very well on a math test. for some reason, about halfway through it, about halfway through the class, i flipped out that i had like 10 more seconds to go, time-wise. then i rushed through the next part of the test, and i just don't know. oh well. so i was annoyed. then i sort of found this really amazing mood. i also found kevin and laylee, and there was beautiful hugging. i love seeing them at the end of the day. laylee is so great. i love getting kevin hugs, too. because i don't usually. so it made me very very happy. then i went to my locker, and brock met me there. i hugged him because i was feeling very full of love and wanting hugs and beautiful things. he wasn't very into it. oh well. then robin came over, and we walked out together, and i really liked talking to her because she was in a good mood. i told her that mr. munter called be 'robin goodwin' today, which was really fucking funny. he doesn't know the two of us apart. ahaah. anyway. we got outside, and christine stopped brock to talk. i left because there was something else i wanted to say to robin, but she had walked off somewhere else by then. so i just stood with allison, katherine, and alice for a few minutes until i had the overwhelming need to just lie on the stupid brick wall thingie. the breeze was really wonderful. everyone was really nice and everything, and asked me why was i lying down? i don't know. was i tired? no. was i sick? no. was i okay? no.
it was really nice of htem to be concerned, but not having any real answers just pissed me off and bothered me more. i don't know what's wrong with me. i was just falling down right down. brock came back all happy from talking to christine. he tickled my shoulder a little. it made me wish i was love and rockets. things made me wish a lot of things. it didn't help that sarah was late picking me up today, so everyone left and i just lay there. sarah didn't come until after 3, which means i didn't get home until 3:20. i hate that i spent the better part of an hour really unhappy for no apparent reason. fuck this shit. all i want to do is keep listening to this album, drink my damn diet coke, edit with katherine, record with becca, and exist with laylee.

listening to: interpol - PDA

i love night time brock calls. le sigh.

i love my afternoon shower. it's the time of the day where i really just stop and think about shit. i think so long my fingers prune. raisin. mmm i want some milk duds now. okay.
just now i was thinking about how ridiculous therapy is. practically everyone i know is seeing or should see a psychiatrist. except for robin, because robin doesn't have problems. but then if she DID see a therapist, they would probably tell her she was detached and unemotional or something. (this is just from my perspective. maybe robin is dying inside, why would i know? it's an example, anyway.) basically everyone has issues, so we go to therapy to get them fixed? well what the fuck. if everyone should be in there, then what do we bother going for? who is the perfect person that i am supposed to be modelling myself after? it's really pissing me off. so i have no internal drive. there's probably such a thing as too much internal drive, right? well maybe not, but i'm still making a point. so right now i'm mad at therapy.
also. you know how there's supposed to be this one thing for every person to realize is their THING and they are supposed to do that forever? i can't figure out what mine is, and it's driving me nuts. i can see myself editting and doing movies in the future, but i don't feel like i was dropped onto this rock to do it, really. the only thing i have real enthusiasm for is music... and not even enough to learn to play. (oboe doesn't count. and anyway i hadn't held one for a year until today. wow, how nuts was that? and i was like "WHY CAN'T I PLAY THE LOW E!?" what a dumbass, i had the damn octave key down. tsk tsk. but man oboe is pretty. it sounds "nasal and weird." shit it makes me wish i was playing again.)
anyway. so, as a listener of music, my career choices include:
record producer? haha. very likely.
roadie
groupie
or...
do you guys remember that commercial with the stuff.... i think it was for a cd burner or a discman or something. but the guy burns his cd and gets to listen to it all day while he drives around at the airport and tries to save the birds from being hit by airplanes. i could do that job.

new doy url! wootie wootie.

katherine is supposed to be on her way over to edit, as we speak. YAYY i'm so excited. i hope mom doesn't get mad...
today was okay. pro bono club with mr. munter. the club video was funny. they played portishead, hooray. laylee loved all over me and rubbed my hip. i love her. i miss her. she wants to hang out after psats. i hope it works out, considering i will either be at central or at home while everyone else is at white station. i'm afraid there will be post-psats fun that i will miss. poo. ahahah i'm not even worried about the actual thing, go figure. i need to die.
i was so apathetic today, it wasn't even funny. i didn't do a damn thing. being more productive than normal last night just drained me, i think. i DID, however, start to think about my pixies covers cd. yes, it's true. i have been downloading pixies covers for over a year and i think it might be time to actually make the album. i'm very excited. woowoo. wish me luck.

listening to: portishead - sour times

whatta fuck is this?! headache too? no fucking way.
why is it that on ibuprofen bottles, they put the directions and the dosage shit very far down on the little flap that you have to peel off the damn bottle? is that supposed to make you actually read more of the information on the package while you're trying to find it, or do they want us to overdose? i love pills.

this is insane and unfair. i'm fucking TIRED. i've been tired for a little while now, and i'm very put out. i guess this is what happens after not getting enough sleep for a couple weeks... seriously, until now, i have not been tired at all. god damn it. oh well.
something funny happened but i can't remember what.
i got to talk to brandon for a good bit, and it was really nice. i avoided history like a mutha. hey, brandon. look at this, i'm posting like crazy.
i don't know what's going on. everything feels weird today. get me out of here?

oh i forgot to say this earlier but it is too funny for words. HAHA. see?
wexler's ap english class has turned into sunday school. it's fucking funny. we have to analyze all these jesus poems, and they make NO sense to me at all, not being christian or religious in any way at all. it's pretty funny. allison was like "see it's about jesus and the judgement day." and i was like "WHAT THE FUCK IS JUDGEMENT DAY!? WHAT THE FUCK IS JESUS!?" it's pretty bad. but funny.
wexler brought her dog into the building after school today. she's fucking nuts. that bible ho.

i hate it when someone is really dependent on something or another person that practically their entire being revolves around it. it's like they're constantly looking to this other person for comfort or support or the okay, and everything. i can't think of any good examples without naming names, which i don't want to do. and don't get me wrong, i'm guilty of the same thing. i think everyone does it, but it's just not as obvious with some people. maybe they think about it rather than unleash it on someone else, which is so entirely selfish anyway. i guess i am back to the same thing i was complaining about last night. i hate listening to someone bitch about the same damned thing day after day after day... they're still dwelling on it, and it's their own fault. move the fuck on. it is NEVER that big of a deal, especially when you're in high school. this little period of our lives means next to nothing in the long-run. (no wonder i do so shitty in school.) even if they're not bitching persay, it feels so pathetic that one person can revolve around another person/concept like that. i don't know. but you people have to clue me in on what my major one is so that i won't talk about it as much. because i hate that shit.

i can't believe jenny and brock are off learning to drive without me. what the fuck is wrong with me? laylee where are you? i am going to be bumming till i die. i'm going to die begging for a ride, paper cup in hand.

have you guys ever watched those special mata buses load? people usally just get annoyed at them for blocking up a lane and taking forever to get out of the way. today we were at a red light next to one, while this old woman was being lifted into the bus on that little platform thing. the driver guy who was helping her noticed me watching him and smiled. it was very nice.
mom got off work late, so by the time we got to central, there was basically no one there. so now she's just even more upset. perfect.
i'm trying to read the sun also rises and remember what the hell else i am supposed to be doing with my existence. go figure.

listening to: switchblade kittens - ode to harry potter
(again, morgan is playing this in the other room. how cute.)

THIS WEEK:
read that damned book
burn cds for brock
package for brandon
record with becca
edit with katherine
film film film anything that exists
eat cheese
learn to drive
rock it to the moon

today was better than i expected it to be. as i was walking into the building this morning, brock attacked me, and we stood and watched the rain for a long time. it was nice. alice talked to us for a little while, too. i like alice. i would like to know her better and get to see her once in a while.
i had a craving for edam cheese all day long, which has not yet been satiated because i'm waiting to go take a shower first... i don't know why.
therapy last night was not as bad as i thought it would be, either. it was still pretty bad, though. now i have these goal things that are supposed to make me responsible. i am in trouble with mom because i somehow missed the deadline for psat signups. i know, i know. it's really dumb. i knew people were paying and everything, i just figured there would be a huge production of "THIS IS YOUR LAST DAY" and i'd do it then. but there wasn't. damn. now i have to take it at central, which means mom is mad at white station, and REALLY REALLY mad at me. she thinks that it's a sign i don't give a damn about school and college. she was like "well, you can just get a job and pay for it yourself if you care about it." and i'm already in her un-good graces. it's not cool.
which means that i'm definitely not going to be able to see peaches tonight... oh well, i can still ask. (dream.) but even if she said yes, who the fuck is coming with me?! you motherfuckers need to get on top of this. okay.
oh yeah, in thinking about crazy shit with my parents, i remembered that on saturday i was annoyed at dad and he got all upset and then he tried to turn it fucking moist or something. "we never talk anymore, we used to get along, blah blah blah" so i just sat there and didn't say anything, and then i left. i can't explain it. everybody thinks i'm really mean to him, which i guess i am. but he really gets on my nerves. he doesn't remember anything i say, or anything he says to me, so there's no point in talking to him at all. he has no understanding of privacy or anything at all. i swear to god, when brock and robin were over, he was listening (and RESPONDING, which is worse) to our conversation the ENTIRE night, no matter what part of the house he was in. sometimes we couldn't really hear him, so i just ignord the muffled shouts. but it really pissed me off. obviously.
and now i'm feeling really rotten. (the sun also rises. aha. yes. test on thursday and i got the book last night. genius me.)
so i will go take my shower, and eat some cheese, and take some pain-killers, and actually attempt to start my homework before 8pm. woosh!

oh yeah, becca's show date is being moved... change your plans for friday night.
fuck today.
i fucking hate bitching. shut the fuck up, people.

LOBSTER MAGNET

doy is acting nuts. i don't know what's up, but i think it's blogger's problem? damn it. i hate it when things act nuts.
last night, brock come over and we had some sonic quisine. brock refused to look at my reese's blast. it's too bad, that shit is the best. we were like "we have to DO something tonight!!!" but it is so much harder than it sounds, shit. we walked back home and i made him watch "much finer" and the awesome yeah yeah yeahs "maps" video. we read some blogs, talked to brandon. then we were like "SHIT WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!" we thought it would be really cool to see alice, because we never get to hang out with her. but we don't have her phone number. we called margaret, but she didn't pick up her cellie. and then we sat there for a while and thought about who we knew. jenny and elizabeth are/were in atlanta, and brock forgot HAHA. so we called ROBIN. it was awesome. we went and picked her up, and the three of us basically sat around my house and ate pizza. geez how boring are we? oh well. brock's mom came to pick him up at 10 something and we all stood around and talked abotu pets for a really long time. (brock's mom said robin is cute and has nice teeth. jesus, what does she say about me?! "gawd, brock why do you associate with that ugly, bad-teeth girl?") then robin's mom came and we did the same thing. it was relaly funny. it was a nice night, though. robin had fun watching old movie clips i have on my computer, of us just hanging out at school and stuff. she said we should start to film a lot more, like we used to. that would be nice. but i need more tapes. i should've showed her that stuff from last weekend HAHAH. that was hella funny.
today is blegh sunday-esque day. i really hate sundays. i dance in misery. hahahahhahaha. no, really, i sit around and think about everything i am supposed to be doing (i.e. homework) and then end up thinking about everything i wish i was doing (i.e. hanging out with kids) and end up with this absolutely disgusting medium of just sitting around doing nothing. it's sad.
katherine was supposed to come over and edit again today, but she can't because she doesn't have enough work done... i hate our lives.

listening to: the yeah yeah yeahs - maps
(morgan is listening to it in the other room... i think i have gotten her hooked. i am the best older sister.)

this is so strange.... i never, ever, ever, ever, ever cry, right?
but the last couple sundays, the strangest things have made me pseduo-cry... i just watched the video for "haunted by a stranger" by mogwai and my eyes are wet. last sunday, i nearly fell apart while listening to "limbo" by throwing muses. weird that art has more of an effect on me than anything personal. i don't know what the fuck is up. but jesus christ, that is one sad video.
now i just feel pathetic.

YES I'M STILL SITTING AROUND LOOKING AT BLOGS. SO WHAT!?

listening to: the rapture - echoes

god damnit, i nearly fell asleep on the couch at midnight, then i planned to go to bed an hour and a half ago, and WHAT THE HELL AM I STILL DOING HERE? god damn! look at my sick life. sitting here and downloading music. no care in the world for being sued.

listening to: the national - fashion coat

damn i forgot to post today. laylee is out of town in new york, and without her, i have no motivation, since she is the only person who reads this blog. okay, i know for a fact that i am not allowed to say that, after the ted blog situation. i wonder if i have a cult following. how hella funny would that be!
anyway. katherine came over tonight and we got sooooo much done on the "much finer" video. it's really that we've been working on it for a full year. she was here from like 4:30 to 10:30, and we got 1 minute and 2 seconds of the video done. wow that sounds really really bad written out. well, we did have a really short dinner break. and we didn't actually start editting until like 5.
... okay so it is as bad as it sounds. shut the fuck up. much fin3r ownz j00. i am SOOO excited about it. god damn. in fact, i think you kids(s) should get a special preview, simply for being the faithful reader(s) of mine blog fortress. please give suggestion(s). CHECK THAT SHIT.
god i love little blog circles. i love how everyone reads everyone else's blog, sort of. sometimes it seems like the people who post the most/best are the least likely to read other kids' blogs regularly. i guess that just shows who has the good life, and who is the stalker. i like my role. i made all kinds of buttons for some kids' blogs today. it was fun. well they were only for some people on doy who have had blogs but no buttons. oh well it was exciting. even more exciting was when katherine came over in the middle of it and tried to teach me how to play the beifuss song. i have never played a string instrument before though, if you don't count when i TRIED to play guitar in the fourth grade. other than that, i'm a woodwinds gal. too bad strings control me like marionettes. my heart is stuck in a cello somewhere, this is no lie. those bitches have more power over me than anything. it's unfair that i can't seem to play them. oh well, maybe i am destined for the drums like katherine wants me to be. katie said that she can't see me playing drums, though, because i'd have to be STUCK IN THE BACK and SITTING DOWN the whole damn show. maybe i could copy the violent femmes' drummer guy. he just has a couple snares, front and center, and he stands there and plays them, unless he's running around wildly. maybe he doesn't do that all the time. after all, gordon gano did have a broken foot, so he couldn't be the stage entertainment for hte evening. and what a lovely evening. i won't go into it because then i'd ahve to talk about what a damn great day it was and how it was really 2 days rolled into one long long beautiful day because elise and i accidentally stayed up all night... too bad i wasn't blogging when that shit happened. oh well, i wrote a journal entry.
man i love hte yeah yeah yeahs. i made morgan watched 2 music videos and their performance on conan today, and she actually enjoyed them. wow morgan, i am impressed with your mad taste. what sister is cooler than this one? oh yeah after i blogged last night i watched subterranean on mtv2 which is like. the only show i like. and only some of it is good. too bad. there was a really nice little streak of videos... chemical brothers (shut up, the video is really cool), the new yeah yeah yeahs, the new RAVEONETTES, libertines, ima robot, etc. it was pretty fucking awesome. i wrote down names even though the ones i liked, i already knew the band. go figure. shit all i do is talk about music. i am shutting up.
oh yeah i talked on the phone to brock about his day, which was the next best thing to actually seeing him. there's always tomorrow.
anyone up for sneaking into peaches with me on tuesday? i know i already asked... but come on, guys. this is sick.

i want comments about the video. do it:


listening to: The Liars - Mr. Your on Fire Mr.

a couple weekends ago, katherine, brock, elizabeth, and i had a lovely time filming and kite-flying at shelby farms. we are thinking of turning it into a short movie. it would be very very nice and happy.

plus katherine is coming over later today. we hope to edit more of "much finer" and start work on another silly parody movie, but who knows? we might also be editting the kite thing. whatever happens, it'll be great of course.

last weekend i showed "untouchable face" to my friend katie. it was surprising and amazing how much of the real story she got out of the video. she saw some things that it took me forever to see, when the stuff was actually happening. so yay for movies and the power of film. ahaha.

also, the site is now at this address which i'm sure is not helpful at all since you are already there. oh well. there it is.

my day was SO much better than i'd thought it would be. chemistry test wasn't bad, ap essay wasn't too bad, and surprise surprise the dbq essay was nowhere near as bad as i had thought it'd be. amazing! also, i did my algae and latin homework in homeroom and study hall. both of them were checked, what a strange coincidence. lalala. also, the 5th period english class had our lunch again and absolutely yay for that. laylee cuddled me and gave me her sandwich. i stole 25 cents from sallis and bought a hot chocolate sucker from that nice kid. he is very nice.
i can't think of anything else interesting that happened at school. today's post-school was very nice. brock and i talked to alice a lot, and sarah actually ended up taking her home. thank you, sarah! you always have to deal with my mobs. brock and i came home and hung out for a while. we decided to go to the spacebats show tonight, but only after cd shopping and dinner at harry's detour. the dinner was really nice, but it was so nice that we forgot to leave and we were there forever. the otherlands lady said that the spacebats were playing at 8, but when we got there at 8:30, after dinner, there was barely anyone there and no one was playing yet. so we abandoned that and went cd shopping. it takes me forever to decide anything so i just went with the default -- new frank black album! show me your tears came out in early september. it's pretty good, but so far i don't like it as much as his teenager of the year solo album, and of course not nearly as much as any pixies work. but it's fun. i have this and 2 other cds with him and the catholics, though this is the first i've bought for myself in that category. so i'm glad. and i love buying cds when they first come out. it makes me feel nice. to be able to say, "yeah i was a fan during that era" or something. to have artists that i will honestly go out and get all their albums, even when i haven't heard any of the new songs. i don't know. i like that. it's constant, and yet very surprising all the time. i love music so much. anyway. brock bought squirrel nut zippers and andy stochansky's solo cd. i hope he likes them, he's probably listening to one right now. he went home a while ago, very shortly after we got home. cd shopping made us go music-crazy. he wrote a huge list of bands he wants to hear taht i'm supposed to burn cds of for him, but his mom came before we had finished burning the second one. i'm excited though. i love music. sighhh.
i also bought the new issue of rolling stone, which is the special 'women who rock' one. i wish it was really a SPECIAL issue, like they put aside one specifically for that. i mean, practically all music media is about men. and if it's about women, it's about sex appeal and shit. so i am ashamed to say i own this. but missy elliott is on the cover, what could i do? no, seriously there is a really really great sleater-kinney article in here. it's really really good, except for they did a little discography chart for the band... and gave all hands on the bad one 2 stars and called the hot rock "dense, dark, totally depressing." which i don't agree with. NOT totally. jeeesus. come the fuck on. and what was that about all hands?! no way. i can't believe they gave call the doctor the best rating. oh well, i'm over it because sleater-kinney is fucking adorable. especially carrie. oh god i'm melting over here.
i hope spacebats was fun, but i don't really mind at all that we missed it. i've seen like 4 shows, and i'm sure they don't have any new material since last time. brock hadn't seen them before, and i'm only disappointed by the fact that we didn't get to see any kids tonight. and even that didn't bother me, just remembering that it's a THREE-DAY WEEKEND, and that i had an awesome time with just brock, like always. we're two siamese lobsters in a shoe.

listening to: frank black and the catholics - horrible day
(how ironic. HAHAH. this song is really good though! "it's a beautiful day. no, it's a horrible day." that sounds like me, but backwards?)

kristin hersh solo tour -- closest date is november 14 in bloomington, indiana... too bad.

last night i accidentally dozed off doing my history homework. luckily it was a somewhat light sleep, since i had the light on and everything i guess. and i wasn't prepared for sleep which effects it, i think. anyway. i had THE most beautiful dream. it was night time and everything was rainy and becca was at my house. she had the back door open, and called me over. i looked outside and there were these two gorgeous flamingoes parading through my backyard. they had this sort of pale glow in the middle of the night and the rain. oh it was beautiful. then i (thank god) woke up at 4am, did my history outline, and went back to sleep. morgan woke me up and got me pants and gave me candy earlier this morning. she is the sweetest thing.
today is going to be awful, but i found my favorite bra. woo!

HAHAHAH dear god
this will make your day i swear to god:

FUNTASTIC FUNK

just got off the phone with brock. i was doing pretty well with my history shit. i was the little engine that could. mostly because i had a goal: "when i finish this part, i am going to call brock and ask him what we're doing tomorrow!" so i did that, and we ended up listening to the whole throwing muses album over the phone. i really need to get some focus and get a life. talking to brock is always brilliant. i hate that he doesn't have a computer and his blog anymore, but the fact that it means we end up on the phone for huge portions of hte night makes me really happy. i just wish there was something productive i could pretend to do while we talked. like tonight, we listened to limbo, i babbled and recited my favorite lines, and he drew sketches for art. we also did some nice talking, of course. i love that boy. quoth katherine, "oh god. you are so lovely together." i need to stop calling him 'that boy' and shit though because i think 'boy' bothers him. it makes me wish he was violent.
today i had a stupid history test after school that i had to take because i didn't participate in the class discussion over hte chapter. i'm really ret@rd*d. i just hate how sickly stupid it is that i have this huge inability to talk like that. i don't know why. it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. i should be able to scream, you know?
but laylee sent me a happy love sucker via margaret, as good luck and encouragement and laylee love in sucker form. it made my day ten times better. plus katherine w cut margaret's hair and it's very cute. i hope she likes it.
i think me and katherine d are gonna be up all night. and isn't it nice?

WAGGHHHHH THEY CAHNGED SOME TOUR DATES FOR BONFIRE MADIGAN AND NOW TEY ARE LPLAYING IN NASHVIELLE AHGOIEEOAHGOEAOGHEHOAGPHWEOH BROCK BROCK WHERE ARE YOU

me: man my mom is making me look at colleges
me: this is scary
margaret: just scream "U of M" and walk away

HAHAHA. i love that girl.
no, right now i am living in this beautiful fantasy and me and everyone are all going to go to antioch and oberlin in ohio. yes. you heard me. go watch those damn image slideshows at the antioch site, and you'll understand. oh my god. and bonfire madigan is SO playing there on halloween. so they have good shows. i'm melting.
man this is so cheap and cute, it breaks my heart.
i just like looking at this antioch site because it feels like somewhere i'd actually enjoy, something i could actually do, instead of my huge terrifying-ness and intimidation every time somebody mentions college. so good.

i'm supposed to be at macaroni grill, eating a caesar salad or something, with the latin kids. oh well. who the fuck wants to go to macaroni grill with the latin kids, and eat a damn caesar salad or something? and make stupid latin jokes and draw on the table? not me.
i really like my brandon cds so far.
anyway i'm proud of myself for having already started my homework this evening. i have done english and half of math. go alanna go! usually i am sitting on my ass about now wondering where my toes have gone.

aww katie just called me from her car, driving home from work. we had a nice little 2 minutes and 16 second conversation. how sweet is that? i love katie.

YAYYY I FINALLY GOT BRANDON'S CDS! he got mine like a week ago, and they were a week late. FINALLY i have received:
stereopathetic soul manure by beck
tigermilk by belle and sebastian
babysitters on acid by lunachicks
between here and there by the rx bandits

hahah what a strange little mix of cds. anyway, that's made my day lots better. and running through the sprinklers with brock after school.
the day was okay, simply because it wasn't yesterday. and shit wasn't falling out of the sky. i can't think of anything else exciting, except that i'm hungry so i'm going to go take a shower.

thanks to becky's blog for this one: http://www.bookblog.net/gender/genie.html
i am really quite enjoying this. i'm putting in big posts from a bunch of blogs into here, and i'm sure that this takes away some of the fun for you other bored kids, but for those of you who are too lazy... here you go. and it's still fun to go do it yourself anyway.
they tell me i'm female. they usally get me wrong for these things, how odd. robin, zoe, christie, tarah, and ted link are also female. sallis, katherine, and becca are male.
brock is male with spellcheck, female with typoes.
too much fun for me to have.

bad news: becca can't come over tomorrow
good news: she is going to be at tim's!! bahhh!! i hope all goes well.
middle news: she is coming to record on thursday instead.
shit-ass news: i have a history test thing to do on thursday afternoon, and i hate ms. ervin with passion death.

brock called just as i was about to start my homework, around 7:30 or so. he had decided not to do any more of his work, so we talked until about 9:45. he made my day ten years better. i love that boy. and that is all.

i just came to blog and realized i shouldn't be.
quick today:
it sucked.
i didn't talk in the history discussion, and now i have to do a written test after school on thursday. i would've rather done that to begin with.
i got really depressed after that.

there were a couple good things that happened. allison was in our lunch today, so that was hilarious as always. brock, katherine, and i stayed after school watching "glory" for history extra credit. brock kept playing with the carpet and asking why we were there. katherine and i laughed at the cheesy shots and the terrible score. it's amazing how bad movies are.
also i wrote a not-really-a-poem sorta thing. i haven't written a real poem since sept 17, which, ironically, was the date of our LAST in-class history discussion thingie, which i also did not talk during. however, while that one was written after i died repeatedly and was all about that, this one is not. i wrote it in chemistry this morning, and it's shitty. oh well. i need to shut up and go do my homework.

becca is coming over to record tomorrow!!!

i thought therapy was going to be hell today, and it WASN'T. yayyyy. it went a lot better than i expected, and i actually said some shit that was on my mind, like getting depressed yesterday. i don't know if she understood this one thing i said, which was really important to me that she understand, but it was near the end and mom was in there so i couldn't fix it. either she didn't understand, or she killed my meaning in life. HAHA. how funny would that be?
but she did mention again that she talks to me like one of her adult clients, as opposed to one of her other teenaged ones. and she makes me feel better about some things, so i feel like it's worthwhile that i'm still going. today she said "you're going to hate me when this is all over" which i loved. and every time we have to make another appointment she asks if i want to keep coming back, which is very nice. i make the appointments myself, not like with orthodontists or somebody. i don't know. it's going okay.

listening to: "the big lebowski" on comedy central