today's brilliant chain of wonderful event began in the car on the way to school. (as previously stated, i'd fallen asleep last night before i did anything except math homework, so i was trying to read american political tradition during the drive.) morgan was talking about how on the phone last night, mom asked her if she had a boyfriend yet, because apparently our relatives (and people who might as well be our relatives, and very well could be) have been asking. morgan said no, but that miss alanna has one. dad's response, of course, was incredibly loud laughter.
stated: AND WHO WOULD THAT BE?!
implied: WHO WOULD EVER DATE MY DISGUSTING, EVIL DAUGHTER?
way to make a kid feel loved, pops.
morning wasn't so bad. christie gave me half a pop-tart. brock was absent from the pre-homeroom festivites, probably doing shit for scribbler staff. i spent the whole day trying to read that stupid chapter for history. chemistry was nice because i understand still/again. woohoo. in english we had a LOCKDOWN so that we don't get shot. joseph sat his fat ass on me. that piece of fuck. oh fuck we have a latin test tomorrow. well there goes my A.
by lunch i wasn't that worried about history. i only had 3 pages left, and i figured i could spare those, with what katherine and brock said about the discussion format today: each person was assigned a character and got asked a couple individual questions. that's it. it didn't seem bad at all, so i didn't even bother to finish the reading, and had a marvelous lunch, filled with screams and mystery emails. so going into class, i was in a genius mood. most of class was actually taken up by looking over our last test and 2 oral presentations. but since we had so little time left for discussion, we didn't do it in the same format as 5th period. she just asked genereal questions. there were some that i could've answered and everything, but i just didn't i guess. i always feel so wrong in there. i don't know. so after everyone but me had talked, she asked this one question where nobody raised their hand. so she looked right at me and said "come on, redeem yourself." and i sort of tittered something that was PART of the answer... and she kept trying to make me say more and give me sort of hints, but i couldn't THINK like that. i would've had to know almost exactly what i was going to say before i even raised my hand. which i did not. oh well. it wasn't that big of a deal, and i didn't feel absolutely ret@rd*d until after the discussion was officially over, and elise gave me this wink and thumbs up sign kinda thing, saying "good job!" then i felt really idiotic. i knew i hadn't done anything resembling a good job, and she was saying it trying to be nice, but it completely backfired. it was more condescending than anything, just because she doesn't understand. so the bell rang. joseph started talking to her about tomorrow's in-class essay, so i was like "thank god, i'm going to be saved from talking to her as i walk out." i guess i jinxed it, because she said my name as i passed by, and had to stand there until she was done with the other kiddies. and finally...
her: did i embarass you?
me: no... it's just that i can't think with everyone expecting me to say something
her: are you sure, or are you just being stubborn?
me: no
her: ...
me: ...
her: well i'm going to be honest, it's a hassle for me to have to stay after school for you to take the written test. you're not only punishing yourself, you're punishing ME!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
her: ...
her: did you read all of it?
me: yes
her: well you had a good 20 minutes worth of questions, and i KNOW you could've answered some of them!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
basically it was hell. i can't even remember how it ended, because by then i was so upset. guys, i can't even explain what it is she does to me. i lose all my dignity, self-control, and strength and my lip just trembles. i can't talk because my throat is tight and terrible, and it's the worst thing in the world. i walked out of there feeling like shit and staring at my feet. i know my little lip was quivering away and my damn eyes were watery when i ran into becca's feet. she said my name in her beautiful becca way, and after that i just sort of crashed. all i remember is crying into her shoulder, and i think she asked me a couple questions but i couldn't really talk. it was awful. i literally have not cried in years. i'm so serious. laylee thought i lost the ability in the war. i thought so, too. it felt really teeangery/angsty/highschool to have done that, but it actually felt really nice. i still feel really cleansed. i felt bad to have unleashed this mountain of at least 5 years' worth of pent-year tears on becca in the span of about 30 seconds. i hope she wasn't late to class. i, on the other hand, was slightly late to class and mrs. jennings asked me twice if i was okay. it was really nice of her, i guess, but what could she do?
her: are you okay?
me: no, i want to die. can you help?
actually, she asked if i was okay, and if i wanted any tissue. i said no to both, but probably should've said otherwise. it was strange having to sniffle my way through the quiz, but stranger that i could still operate pretty well under the circumstances. i think i did pretty well on that quiz. for once, i actually liked getting to go to math after history, because i didn't really have to think. if i still had study hall after history, i would've had to deal with margaret and elizabeth, which could've been really nice, but also really weird.
after school, i didn't really want to unleash my shit on anyone or anything. becca had said she would talk to me after class, but she wasn't there. i felt like she was the only person i could/should talk to, probably because she had seen me in my weakest state and i wouldn't really have to explain too much to her. i ran into kevin and laylee, who apparently noticed that i looked sad, but they were beautiful as always. they gave me a sucker. it was a good sucker. i love them. i didn't really say anything though. i didn't want to burden them or anything. but becca didn't come out front, and then robin asked me how history was anyway. i still didn't really want to talk, so i was really vague about it. a while later, lauren h talked to me for the first time in a while, and she asked about my day so i sort of detailed the history a little more. and i was feeling slightly better, so i got to make it funny-ish and talk about how ervin looks like a pink leprachaun with yellow paper eyes, and all that. being silly about it made it seem less real and less personal. even funnier, brock had to go by her class to get a book he forgot about, and since there was no one else left, i went with him. i planned to wait like 10 feet away from her classroom to avoid her, but as we approached the room, we realized SHE WAS BEHIND US. GOIAHIPSOHGWOEH. it was terrifying. but it's pretty funny to think of how it must look that brock and i hang out. her amazing, perfect-essay student and her idiot, refuses-to-speak student. and they're lobsters. aha.
this is a fucking long post. shit.
anyway that's about it. laylee called me and talked to me for hours on end, because she could tell i was upset today. i love that. and everybody is being really great about it. thanks to all the kids. i love you.
brandon: oh i had a weird experience involving you last night
me: don't you always
brandon: yeah
brandon: this was different though
me: what happened
brandon: i woke up at three in the morning (i had fallen asleep at 12) and sat straight up, sweating my ass off and with my shirt off and i said your name out loud
brandon: and then went back to sleep
and on that note, happy birthday to margaret tomorrow. happy birthday to katherine w yesterday.
farwell to elliott smith.
listening to: throwing muses - limbo
(i can't even tell you how animated i am when i listen to music alone. i make awful faces and hand gestures like a fucking mime. it's really bad. thank god i'm alone.)
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