HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HATE LIFE?

okay break for a minute--
robitussin am: seriously. we could take over the world
robitussin am: or at least the greater metropolitan area
robitussin am: i don't think you understand our combined potential

listening to: the make up - c'mon, let's spawn

so last night i hurt my eye somehow.. i don't really know. but i felt like it just had something in it so i took a really damn long shower trying to get it out. but it would not get out. mom said it looked like i had cut it somehow... and that brock had called, so we had a really really nice long conversation until 10:30. then he had to go to bed, and i had to do homework. it was really hard to read fucking faulkner with my eye feeling so weird. dad came in to tell me goodnight and said maybe i should stay home tomorrow. i was like "maybe...." because the last few times i've been absent, i've felt really guilty for it. but i ended up falling asleep not even halfway through the reading assignment, and still latin and history left to do. i woke up at like 2:30 in the morning, cleaned off the damn bed, and went back to sleep. i vaguely remember mom and/or dad coming in to wake me up this morning, and them deciding it would be better if i stayed home today. i didn't wake up until 1, when mom called to check up on me. my eye feels a lot better, but i obviously needed the damn sleep, so i'm glad i stayed home. i hope i'm not missing too much har har har har har.

listening to: air - bathroom girl

you looked to be a bird to me
you said you’d teach me to fly
you asked me to shake my cat skin
for you, i gladly abliged
in my sudden unprotection, cold, alone
you saw my vulnerablity
you snatched away what you could take
i’m left without my screams

you rode in and saved my day
when it was a convenient use of time
when you needed me, i jumped hurtles
i raced rivers, i went blind
then when i would call you up
you conveniently declined
my dreams fell through nets of hope
before i finally fell to mine

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me

when dish and spoon eloped together
they just sent the cow to the moon
the cat and the bat became runaways today
and left the rat to its own
we run we’ll run through every field
we’ll go everywhere in eyesight
with your false wings, you can’t limit us
we’ll be everything in starlight

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me
rat rat rat! you're digging through the trash, i see

call the sun
ask him if he’s up for it
call the sea
to help us find a place to fit......
call the cat cat cat!
the kitty’s got a game to play
cat cat cat, chase the mousies all away

i just found out that the co-op art house has moved to sunday nights at 8. that is bad for me because it means i'll be able to go even less regularly than i did last year. oh well. i was thinking about maybe going to the thing there this saturday, though. anyone up for that mess?
today is okay. i have apple juice, so all is well. i got online last night after katherine left, and brandon's away message was something about "waiting for lovertits for days" and talking to him was just awesome.
i can't remember anything else that happened today, except that i got a 71 on a chemistry test and i'm really nervous about that grade. i had a 55 on my progress report. i'm hoping to pass the test on friday, but i've also got the ap u.s. and english tests to worry about. fuckaaa i really shouldn't be online. it's okay because i'm in an okay mood. i think it's at least partially because of Happy Tuesday last night... that was great. unfortunately, katherine didn't get home until about 10:30 and she told her parents we'd been working on movies, not studying. so now she isn't allowed to drive for a long time. it's bad. i hope we can still DO the movie.... it's going to be tough, because we have to get everything filmed before break if we want to enter the film festival. if you want to help with ideas, shooting, or acting please let us know. or if you've got a hamster.
also katherine said my comment on ted's blog encouraged her to also post... i like that. it felt weird to be reading it without his knowledge. i encourage everyone to do that with every blog. ted wants to do recycle stuff around the school, and katherine and i offered to a video for the announcements. that'd be pretty interesting.
okay. i better get out of here.
OH YEAH THOUGH. morgan has a new blog. she wants readers. do it. (she made me edit that image really fucking fast. i hope she lets me fix it.)

listening to: the postal service - the district sleeps alone tonight

katherine just went home. she came and picked me up around 7 or something and we went to starbucks and talked about movies. then we went to the cyber cafe and worked on the plot of our cinderella remake. at like 9, we decided it was late and time for her to take me home. she ended up coming inside to see morgan, and we talked a little about the movie, but had a HUGE great conversation. she just left, and i'm in a great mood.

starbucks beauty of the day--
mysterious indian guys: are you guys writing a play?
us: no... a movie
mysterious indian guys: for a course?
us: no... we are actually supposed to be studying.
mysterious indian guys: everyone else is studying, you are different.

oo-de-lally, i have a craving for one of those new sonic blasts. oh hell. oh oh. i'm hungry and starving, happy and bleeding. oh oh oh ohoh ohohhhhhh i hate tex wex. fuck.

today was actually a pretty decent day. go figure. i think i was still glowing from the weekend, to an extent. it was a very good weekend. le sigh. plus i was still feeling very Band because of talking with margaret on thursday night, so i tried to write a song in study hall. aha.
school was school. homework was homework i.e. it's nowhere near being done. in between was a phone call with brock, pancakes for dinner, and a really good session of therapy. part of why it went well, i think, was that it was the first time in FOREVER that i have been there without mom, so talking felt easier. i am terrified to say anything when she's in there, for some reason. also what we talked about today really jumped around, we weren't just stuck on anxiety things like usual. i talked about Incident Of Weekend that i knew mom would've wanted me to mention, even though i almost forgot to aha.
(when i got home yesterday after spending the night at laylee's, mom interrogated me and asked if i behaved. i said "yes!" 50 gazillion times, but she said i looked guilty so i finally told her that people had wine but that i didn't have any. so she gave me more drinking lectures which turned into sex lectures. it was really funny.) i liked how lady told me to handle it from now on, though. sometimes her suggestions make me vomit, but this one i liked and mom did too -- i am supposed to be able to call mom and tell her things like "so and so is drinking, i'm not. but i want to hang out here for a while longer." and if mom is not comfortable she can come and get me from wherever, and eventually she will see that i am trustworthy and making good choices, blah blah blah. since i don't really have that much interest in drinking anyway it doesn't really matter. but whatever. it's more about mom than me. and it would be really cool if i could be more close to her, i think. i mean christ she's going to be around for a while, you know? i should get used to her.
then i, for some reason, mentioned that a bunch of people i know are on medication and/or go to therapy, and brock and i had discussed the other day what it would be like to be presented with the choice of meds, etc. she asked if i thought i needed it, and i said no, but then i did talk about how i get depressed. i am really proud of myself for that, because it's something i haven't talked about at all in there or to anyone at home, and they never notice that kind of shit. plus mom has depression, and it's genetic. lady said really funny thing concerning genetics, as "the gift that keeps on giving" and did this cute laugh. i also made her laugh/squeak today. it was nice, but i don't know what it was about. ha. she also talked about how depression and anxiety (which are both genetic, and which my parents have respectively) go hand in hand. so i'm basically doomed. it's okay. she made me feel a lot more comfortable about the depression thing too. she said i should try to look for patterns in when i get depressed and everything, and that we can talk about them in sessions and fix things. she also said that usually for depression neither just talk therapy or just meds work, and that both are most effective. i thought that was kind of interesting.
i just realized how hysterical it is that i post all this shit about therapy on my blog. i think i'm going to kill myself now.

alanna stewart had a great fucking weekend, hell yes!

today fucking sucked. not for any one particular reason, but everything about school was bad. by the end of the day i was so damn depressed. we had a short spice girls dance party in the parking lot after school, but even that didn't really fix stuff. i came home alone and sat around feeling dumb. brittany called, which was the best part of the afternoon. i told her to come to becca's show, and we just talked, and it was nice. then i tried to call laylee because i was sad. i forgot she was at that thing thing. stupid me. i called brock to ask him to bring me blank video tapes so that i could film becca's show. we didn't talk very long after that so i ended up nearly taking a couple naps. i was really tired from my week of bad sleeping habits, so i guess that is good. then morgan went over to eileen's, and mom and i watched the beginning of "the crow." aha. basically it was a fucking awful day, afternoon, and early evening. i got dad to drive me to java at 8. brock had already arrived; i think he forgot that he was supposed to call me when he got there. i was still in a sad little mood, even though i was excited about the show. i shmoozed around and played with the many varieties of magic 8-balls with sallis, kevin, brock and cuddled laylee for a while. brock and i made the mistake of leaving our place on the couch to get drinks. in reality, this should not have taken any time at all. but the BITCH WOMAN FROM HELL was working tonight, and she totally ignored us for like 15 minutes. so we lost our places to elise's friend laura and some guy from ridgeway. elise and some guy eric got there, and completely avoided me and brock. it was really hilarious, if you think about it. then brittany and her entire family showed up, which was also hilarious. brock, alice, lauren h, brittany, and i played with chess pieces during daniel's poetry reading. i thought that becca had asked him to do all funny stuff, but apparently not. i think that is better considering the nature of becca's set, but i am not too impressed with most of his stuff. so becca came on, and she was of course AMAZING. i love all the new songs. the show tonight was really intense, really different from last time. with that, she had played the songs for a (partially, at least) similiar crowd so many times before that we had all developed a pattern. becca was very big on eye contact and grins and it was adorable and very fun. so even if the nature of the song was sad, you had a great fucking time anyway. with this show, most of the songs were things that she hadn't played for audiences and most of them were very sad and very beautiful. the show turned out very intense, which i thought was really awesome, especially considering my state. i would rather see someone totally into her music and sad sad than happy and cute, even though both are great. it's so impressive how becca has evolved and matured since just august. i know she was anxious about how the shit went down, but i don't think she had any reason to be. the only things that disappointed me were that i wished the set was longer, and that some people who were supposed to come didn't show up. margaret, christie, jenny, elizabeth, robin, etc -- where the fuck were you?! spacebat ass!??!!?! fuck that!
i can't really talk. after becca's set and generally hanging out-ness, katherine, alice, lauren, tarah, brock and i went over to hi-tone to see the tail end of the mutant spacebats show. i danced like a mutha, and it was the most upbeat part of my whole fucking day. dancing can make everything better for me. it was just so good. then svetlana was there and tried to grind with brock again. for fuck's sake. i really hate her. stupid ho. alice had to be home my midnight, so i got home around 11:45. now i've been hanging out, and talking to hannaH, and making mp3s of becca's show. ask her if you can hear them. plus evan williams's copies are probably better.

listening to: becca bobango - morning sickness

dear god i fell asleep reading history. and i so determined not to this time. well at least morgan woke me up so now i can do my english paper. good luck, alanna.

wow. guys. i saw lion king at the orpheum. it was so fucking great. i can't even tell you. you have to see it. but i think the only day that isn't sold out is christmas eve. try to get out of that family shit. serious.
i have every intention of writing a silly little alanna-ish review. but right now i have a huge date with my english homework. and history. and apwoehipioahgopawghiweh fucka

listening to: sleater-kinney - lions and tigers

today managed to be really really awesome. i don't know how. brock also had a great day. it's nice how cosmic we are. we both woke up at 6:40 this morning (very late). i can't think of anything really specific that was nice. i think it was just sort of to combat my icky feeling of yesterday. i felt really fresh. like i did at the beginning of the year, maybe. it was just really nice somehow. that's about it. okay.

listening to: romeo void - never say never

Laylee2000: BUT THE PORN ALANNA
Laylee2000: WHY WEREN'T YOU THINKING ABOUT THE PRON

ahahahahahhahahahahahah.
smashing pumpkins' "tonight, tonight" video is SO damn pretty.

brandon is god, partially because he is the only other person i know who hates the perks of being a wallflower. hooray!!

listening to: feed - debaser (pixies cover)

i'm really sad. everything is depressing. i am trying to make sallis not feel so bad, and trying to be happy for everyone else, except for bitching at tarah.
quoth tarah rhoda "if i liked you anymore, then im pretty sure i'd be lesbian."
what a good kid.

a beautiful video: "pagan poetry" by bjork.
DO NOT WATCH IT if you have a low pain tolerance
awoghiiopawghopawghopawih.

i'm drinking draft root beer, am in a wonderful mood, and am preparing to blog to you the joys and trials of my thanksgiving holiday. hooray for long alanna postage. (hopefully. if you're laylee.)
wednesday: i went to bed shortly after i blogged, around 3, after said AWESOME conversation time with tarah and aj. what amazing kids. i'm so lucky to have the friends i do. plus, it had been a while since i've really talked to either of them, and it was sort of funny how the conversations were sometimes in a really similiar vein and sometimes totally dissimilar. i clambered into bed and unlocked my window, having promised eileen that i would. i told her she could come play at our house while we were gone, and i didn't think she'd actually come but it was something of a priniciple. i fell asleep listening to vespertine which made me really happy. unfortunately, i forgot to take it out of the cd player for the trip in the morning.
thursday: i was woken up far too early for my poor body. on the way to jackson, i listened to fiona apple and slept. i always forget how short granny is. i guess it's really her 'fault' that i'm so short -- her eye level is at my chest. (no wonder she is constantly talking about my figure.) we had a short little break before the actual thanksgiving meal, and the normal post-dinner talking. mom usually leaves the first, to go take her nap. this time morgan left too. dad, granny, and i talked a while. well. granny told her same old stories, and we listened, and granddaddy sat at the other end of the table very silent. what can i say? they're strange little old southern baptist people. i left a message on sallis's cell phone, since he was in town the same time as me and i thought it'd be cool to see him while we were stuck in jackson. i also called brock, but he was just sitting down to a movie. so i watched i love the 80s strike back with my familia before brandon called, demanding my help on his christmas wish list. i really didn't help at all, but we got to talk so that was cool. then brock called, and i talked to him for 15 minutes longer than i was supposed to, but it was really good to talk to him all the same. unfortunately, i ran down my phone's battery like a mutha and i forgot to bring my chargie thing. oh well. after we got off the phone, i watched dumb vh1 shows with dad and morgan until i nearly fell asleep on the couch staring at miss apple bottoms.
friday: hooray for eggs and biscuits and bacon and real breakfasts! after eating we headed over to barnes and noble for book shopping. i was excited about going but when we got there i didn't really know what i wanted to do there. i ended up at the newstand looking for a new music magazine. dad and i collectively bought cmj new music, magnet, and the new rolling stone featuring top 500 albums of all time. we took morgan home, with a huuuuge stack of books she got for her friends for christmas, and then dropped off mom at tj maxx. dad and i went to the cd sale at circuit city, where i bought AFI and flogging molly. guilty pleasures like a mutha. i'm actually considering giving the flogging molly to someone as a present... but i've just blogged it HAHA and that means i could only give it to brock now. but who else would want it? oh well. maybe i won't give it away. phh. dad got the smiths and the rolling stones. mom got wrapping paper. morgan took a nap. we spent the rest of the day mulling over and arguing with the rolling stone top 500. i made everyone write down the ones they owned. it wasn't very interesting, but there was nothing else to do. and i love lists and patterns and things, so. apwoghiwgopeh obsessive alanna aoiwghepioghoahi. today brock and i were talking about how hard it is to find your real love job in life and actually be able to do it. there's so much pressure to find it that it's really hard to actually notice when it's there, you're so busy looking. the only thing that i just absolutely love with no inhibitions is music... but not the playing of it. i don't really know. brock says he could see me doing the tech stuff, like 'recording engineer'-wise, i guess. or i could do music videos maybe. or just ... buy cds and work at mcdonalds. then again i'd have to like. live in my car, to have enough money to buy albums anyway. agowiphpogihw i'm so offtrack. we watched interview with the vampire at midnight, and that's all that matters. oh i did get to talk to sallis briefly. we talked about hanging out after dinner, but he didn't get home until 9 so he couldn't call back. too bad.
saturday: i woke up to the sound of granny's tv with a really bad headache. i got up because i couldn't lie in the bed any longer, and went to lie on the couch with mom instead. i had some cheerios. went back to the couch. dad gave me an advil, and mom rubbed my back a lot, which made me really happy. the headache got no better. i had another advil. i went back to the bed, where i stayed for a damn long time. we were supposed to leave at 2 today, but dad didn't want to wake me up when i was feeling so bad. they had to, eventually, and we stumbled out of jackson around 3. as we were driving away, i put on my headphones, siamese dream by smashing pumpkins. it is by no means a quiet album, but it automatically sent away my headache. i really don't understand it. i don't know why i hadn't tried that already, since i know music does that to me sometimes. the album ended, and i played some my bloody valentine before we stopped in grenada for fooooood for me, having slept through lunch. when we got back in the car, my headache was creeping back in so i put on live through this by hole, and everything was back to good. i love that album. so i also played celebrity skin just to make sure i packed it in. it was a nice drive; i didn't sleep at all.
we were in downtown memphis around 6, and i finally checked my messages on my near-dead phone. i had a simple one from brock, but i was glad that he left it since he usually doesn't leave messages but he knows i get annoyed when people don't leave them. hooray for that. i had an awesome one from brandon telling me that frosty the snowman was on tv and i was going to miss it. when we got home, mom ordered pizza before i called brock. he had some relatives over and was expected to stay at home, so we couldn't hang out. i didn't feel like calling around because i figured everyone would be busy. so brock and i just had a nice long phone conversation. unforunately, he was ripped prematurely out of it by his mother for reasons still unknown to me. too bad. actually, if we didn't get kicked off the phone we would never stop talking, i'm sure. i think every single conversation we've had, someone has stopped it other than us. okay, maybe there were some "shitload of homework" or "i'm busy" ones. but still. moving on. i had some pizza. sat around online. watched trailers for the director's series, which i'm really excited about. (i'm assuming that my family is giving at least one to me for christmas.) watched degrassi with morgan. talked to some kids online. this is about it.
oh i commented on ted's blog. i'm afraid becca will be mad because she had a very specific thing about him not knowing that we read it... but i know i'd be really annoyed if someone was reading my blog and i had no idea. plus, tarah has been saying very good things about him. and apparently he told her i'm very honest and sincere. i appreciate that a lot, especially since he thinks i hate him. i really don't hate him, though. tarah thinks we'd get along... hahaa. you never know.

listening to: AFI - bleed black
(have i ever mentioned i ADORE davey havok?!)

You are "Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. There are a lot of theories on what you're about, but you actually poke fun at self-absorbed male models. Then again, who doesn't?
What One-hit-wonder are you?
that's a quiz by my friend bly. hooray for her new knowledge of javascript!
tarah and i have been having an awesome conversation. i really like talking to her, if i haven't said that before. she's a great talker and a great listener, and she thinks i am truthful and sincere, and we have very good talking. woohoo! unfortunately she signed off a minute ago without explanation, which is sad because i can't just talk to her tomorrow. i wish i got to see her at school sometimes, if not on the weekend. she's really social and has no time for me. that's okay because we still have really good conversations. i'm also talking to aj ("i want to go to bed but i like talking to you too much"). what a sweet kid. he is sort of venting at me, but in a good/funny way. what can i say, i like the guy.
i should probably go to bed. but that would mean packing for the trip. and damn it. no.

listening to: bjork - isobel

i hung out with morgan and her entorage for part of the day. they watched the second half of 'two towers' again and then lots of extras. it was sort of nuts-driving. so i rotated sitting in here downloading pixies covers and music videos, watching tv and eating cheez-its, and taking a shower or hanging out in my room. it was kind of bleggity. i talked to brock on the phone for a little, and then laylee. they came over and didn't even notice my teeth ahahaah. but after katherine asked, they kept making me smile and it was silly and laylee touched them all night. anyway we went to see "the station agent" which was pretty good. for the umpteenth time, i love movies with brock. he played with my hand a lot tonight. le sigh.
sallis left me a message on my phone. he is already in jackson, but we don't leave until the morning. i'll try to call him at some point tomorrow, and maybe we can go see a movie together like mom suggested. that would be so nice. and hysterical. hahahaa jackson with sallis how great. okay. so we went back to my house, and laylee called kevin to come get her. we hung out for a little bit in my room before they escaped. then brock was here until about 10:30. he made fun/admired the way i write "st" as one letter. i'd raved about the placebo video to him on the phone, and i showed it to him. near the very end he goes "so where's the lead singer?" meaning he had just watched the whole video and not found brian molko in the LEAST bit interesting. i felt really silly. oh well.

listening to: tuscadero - just my size

my phone works again, for the many fans who have been unable to reach me for the past few days.
brock and laylee are coming over soon, and we're going to see a movie, i believe. it will be nice. morgan is about to go to rehearsal for "red pain(t)" and my teeth feel funny. i hope i have enough money to get into the movie. aha. pixies covers slay me. help help help, laylee.

well, laylee, i knew it would happen. as soon as i burned a cd of pixies covers, after over a year of searching for as many as i possibly could, a whole new slew comes in. today alone i have gotten 8 new ones, and so far they are all good. this is insane. laylee. dear god. i'll never be able to decide. please come help me.
holy jesus one of them is a cover of "where is my mind?" done in GERMAN with tambourine, harmonica, and moaning. god i'm in heaven. and in heaven, everything is fine. you've got your good thing and i've got mine.

listening to: jonus - i've been tired (pixies cover)

how is that i never realized how undeniably HOT brian molko from placebo is? i just watched the video for "pure morning" and jesus christ. not only is he beautiful, it's a really cool video for a good song. i hadn't seen a picture of him for a long time, so when he was first on the screen i couldn't tell if it was really him or some woman. but fuck. FUCK. have i ever mentioned how hot androgyny is?
if you can't download the video, there's a whole mess of stills here. seriously guys. do yourselves a favor. fuck.

i reorganized my cds, and now they fit in ONLY FOUR CASES!!!!!!! have i mentioned that i hate today?

i hate tonight. after i posted last, i gave up on anything and went back to my room to take a dark nap and listen to sad sad jeff buckley. i didn't sleep for long, because there were suddenly the huge noises of three 13/14-year-olds invading the kitchen. even with the music, the pillow over my head, and being rooms and rooms away, i felt like they were right next to me. at one point morgan stormed in, turned on the light, and harassed me with questions. i can't remember what she first came in to tell me, but she kept asking what was wrong and i would say nothing, go away over and over. she wouldn't stop asking or bumbling around on me and i think she felt under my eye to see if i was crying. i wasn't, of course. i was just really unhappy and wanting to sleep. i hate that i can't even be alone in my house. i really want to get out of here, even if i am alone but i can't think of anywhere to go. i really wish i wasn't here.

listening to: "the two towers" and commentaries from the peanut gallery

i just pulled a total Last Year. i had another orthodontist appointment after school, so again i couldn't go with brock and alice and whoever after school. i got back at like 3, and called brock's cell right away. he didn't pick up there or at home. so i tried calling again a minute ago. he said they are at huey's. by then i didn't really know why i called. yes, i wanted to hang out. no, i didn't want to ASK them to come get me, especially if they didn't want me there enough to offer to pick me up. no, i didn't make it apparent that i wish i was there. no, i didn't say i'd try to get a ride once mom gets home.
i am really annoyed with myself. i'm going to be home alone all night.

listening to: lucero - tears don't matter much

HAHAHAHAH

this shit never gets old

i am going to try to catch up on the weekend since i'm so awful.
on saturday i woke up at about 12:30, i think, and watched two towers with mom + morgan and had phish food ice cream for breakfast. it was hella awesome. i love mama. mom started to fall asleep, so we only watched the first disc. then i got online for a little bit before laylee called around 2:30 and we got to talk for a while before we worked on making plans for getting together. it must've taken for fucking ever because laylee and brock didn't get here until like 6:30. i was sad that the day had been reduced to that sick portion of night, like every single weekend last year. it turned out okay of course. shortly after they arrived and we were trying to figure out what to do, eileen arrived to spend the night. so the five of us went to pie in the sky armed with coupons and had lovely pizza. at one point tarah called and said she would try to get a ride over to us. she didn't show up, and we couldn't reach her on her cell phone. (later i found out that her brother wouldn't give her a ride, she'd lost her cell phone, and was dragged downtown where she had a GREAT time.) we ended up being there for a lot longer than we meant to, and mom had turned into a pumpkin by the time we called home, so dad had to pick us up. we hung out in my room and i turned on lunachicks but no one understood and i played "jan brady" 3 fucking times but no one would listen to the chorus. i basically fell over on the bed so that i could listen to it by myself while other people talked, and i guess laylee thought i was upset so she came over and hugged me awww. i love that laylee loves me. she always assures me that other people do too, but sometimes i can only tell with her. i guess because she is so physical about it, i have to believe her. i do love her. oh oh oh. anyway i guess everyone else thought i was upset too, because they started to dance, to prove that they were listening and they understood the lunachicks. seeing my chance, i started "jan brady" over and made them hear the chorus finally. i hope they fucking got it. and for some reason we had on throwing muses for a bit, too, and i got to dance and it was good. and morgan made some comment about my hips agopiwhpwahgpawiogh. oh we tried to introduce brock to the suicide girls but either he didn't get it or he didn't like it or he wasn't comfortable or... something. it was sad. anyway. we eventually decided to watch "hedwig and the angry inch" which dad had bought at turtle's earlier. brock ended up having to leave in the middle, even though laylee was going to give him a ride home. he didn't really argue because he had to help his mom with something at church in the morning. i know he won't let me loan him the movie because of its subject matter, so i guess we will have to watch the rest here some time. that reminds me. does anyone want to come over and watch "ghost world" with me? i have been wanting to watch it for a long time and for some reason i have not. i mean, i own it, i don't know why i haven't. but i know that last year several people tried to watch it and they all hated it and i want to make them understand. plus i want sallis to see it, because we talked about it that once and he refused to let me loan it to him. by the way, sallis, do you still have my wasteland? i can't remember. and becca, do you still have my diane izzo cd? and frank, do you still have my heart?
laylee and i cuddled on the couch all through the rest of the movie. oh pretty oh pretty. then laylee and i listened to music and whatnot and talked to kevin online until he finally came over to pick her up. she had to go home anyway, and i wish she had spent the night here. no one has spent the night here in forever. i hate to wake up so lonely. that is the one thing that sucks about having a male best friend with anal parents. after laylee left, i just went to sleep because i wasn't really in the mood to stay up all night doing nothing, for once.
i woke up around 12:30 again, i believe. morgan locked me out of the bathroom so i stumbled around blindly until she let me in to get my glasses. eileen looked so fucking adorable all asleep with ervin the bear awwww. i had some breakfast and hung around. eileen and morgan scuttled in eventually. we had some breakfast and hung around. we watched music videos, and determined that jeff buckley has a very close resemblace to brock. actually, eileen said that if brock and i had a kid, it would be jeff buckley. now that is a compliment if i have ever heard one. she'd already complimented brock and i on her blog the day before! "They're both so sexy. I probably have no place saying this, but I think they should be radical movie-star lovers who elope to india. They'd have neat adopted kids who would all join the peace corps." jesus how sweet is that!?! i certainly wouldn't mind that prophecy coming true. here's hoping.
laylee and i decided we should take a yoga class. we're too offended to take the sunday afternoon one at midtown yoga. any suggestions on somewhere else? maybe we'll look into the place sallis goes/went. also brock kept calling on and off all day. it made me really really happy. i don't think i said so. it was great, though. we had made plans to go to this silly battle of the bands at some crazy church, because it was going to be awful. it had to be. with bands featuring JR and davis. shudder. plus, i will do ANYTHING to get out of the house on sunday. sunday is the worst day ever. and i didn't even have any homework this weekend. it was a miracle of god. or mat devine. so we met at walgreen's where brock picked up some film from this summer, and his mom got us an umbrella so that we could cross the street (ahaha) and got me some tapes for my camera. it was very sweet. she said it was to pay me back for helping with brock's french video. she really didn't have to. even though i lost one of the blank tapes in their house. ahaha. so the bands were basically as bad as we expected, but we ended up staying there the whole time which i didn't think we were going to do. they were a lot more diverse than i thought they'd be. JR's band was ska, davis's was really pop, detriment was metal, rustic ruckus was jammy funk, bob sagat trio was 2 former grahamwood guys with acoustic guitars playing a stupid cover medley, and submerged truth was pop punk. plus there was a choir. the whole thing reminded me of the neil's event in that the crowd consisted of the bands' parents, the bands' friends, and the bands' parents' friends. and then there were just some people who went to the church too, i guess. even with a slightly diverse crowd, because of being mostly friends of the band, they were still really ... shitty. the first band that played, all these kids rushed the stage and then just STOOD there. like they've never been to a real show. actually, i guess they haven't. i was wanting really badly to dance the whole night, even if just in the aisle, because dancing to bad music makes it SO much better. i think brock didn't really want to bring attention to us, or he just didn't feel like it, and i'm too dumb to do it alone so we sat there. it was nice though because we got to talk and people-watch a lot. when JR's band went on, we spotted tarah in the "crowd" by the stage and went up. they started playing, and brock and i went nuts. people were so surprised, i don't think they knew how to react. they moved away, so we were left with a huge amount of dancing space. we were everywhere and it was beautiful. i love brock concert dancing. i can't even say. god. after a little bit, i noticed that hunter thompson was dancing next to brock and HAHA that cracked me up. a lot. then abby wilenski appeared and danced as well. and THEN svetlana lapova appeared out of nowhere, got in between me and brock, and basically tried... grinding with him. ewwww it was obscene and i really didn't like it. he half-assed it a little, and then left her to grind by herself. it was pretty funny, especially since she doesn't go nuts like you'd expect to some ska band. she dances pretty. like constant. it's sort of annoying, if you only have one dance and you know you look hot doing it so you do it automatically instead of really feeling the music. because that is literally all i do. morgan thinks i'm a good dancer, but she's silly and she has not been to enough shows. i made lots of eye contact with the trombonist, and after the show i said good job to the very pop-punk saxophone guy. he actually looked at me when i said it, instead of just taking it and walking off. it was really nice, and it made me like him. oh, brock said that when we started to dance and stuff he thought he heard JR say "now that's what i like to see" from the stage, and that some girls turned around to look at us. i didn't notice that though. my favorite band was rustic ruckus, because the phish bassist was this adorable rockstar kid. he was so great. afterwards, i told him he was the only real rockstar there, that he had a stance and everything. that i didn't know why i was there, but thank you. he looked really surprised, not arrogant, and that made me like him. and the church people gave us free water. thank you church people. the other bands were basically not very intersting. during davis' band, brock wiggled 4 of his toes out of the hole in his sock. i poked them. his toes are really soft, and i love them. we basically toe/hand-ed all through their set. they weren't good though, so it doesn't matter. i can't even remember who won, except for rustic ruckus. when they played again, brock and i went down to the almost-front, but still in the aisle and danced NUTS. we both had to take off our jackets and our glasses and it was funny and great. i think a lady filmed us a little. the song was really schizo so there was all kinds of different dancing available to be done. man that was great. dancing will always make life so much better. i should do it more often. i loved getting to hang out with brock. and people watch and dance. i love the boy. melt melt melt.
today was blegh except for that we only have a 2-day week and my kill hannah cd came. hoorah.

listening to: kill hannah - no one dreams anyway

MY KILL HANNAH CD + FAN PACK FOR ONLY $11.99 CAME TODAY!! GWHAHAHAH

listening to: kill hannah - they can't save us now

why do i suck at blogging and where are hte headphones?!

I scored a 67% on the "How Memphis Are You?" Quizie! What about you?

listening to: the bens - wickled little town

hooray! brock and laylee are on their way over. i'm excited. anyone can join, if you feel the need. this weekend is good, and then we have thanksgiving. weeeoooo.

listening to: the moldy peaches - jorge regula

i think my head's in heaven

today was pretty damn good. school felt sort of silly and very far off, like i wasn't actually there. the day wasn't that long. i think i did better on my math test than i was anticipating. i think i failed latin though. oh well. after school, brock and i had decided to just sort of walk around and hang out for a bit. ezra wheeler turned around and waved to me at the crosswalk. it was nice. he loaned me a pencil in algae. brock and i ended up going to the mall to get some food, because we're just that punk. right as we were walking in, the gratzes pulled up next to us to drop off lydia. it was funny. we talked to william for a couple minutes. he was on his way to have his wisdom teeth pulled. i am so lucky with no wisdom teeth... but it doesn't really count because i still had TERRIBLE oral surgery last summer. shudder. all i remember is amelie and organic macaroni and bubble fish. the point is. while we were eating, robin and katherine w showed up to steal brock's cell phone. it was nice to see them. we sort of loosely talked about doing something later, but robin never called us and we never called her. so i don't know. maybe tomorrow... after they left, we walked to davis-kidd. it was really really nice. we were there for quite a while. there were adorable japanese girls, two cute little boys, and even an eileen mushroom. it was great. we looked at language books, art magazines, photography, muscle men. we talked and split a piece of "chocolate spoon lovin'" cake. we also called laylee and becca to see if they wanted to hang out, but becca's sister was coming into town and they had to eat dinner as a family. they were supposed to call us back later, and forgot to, so we didn't see them or hear from them at all. somehow i feel like brock and i did a lot MORE at davis-kidd, but i guess not. it was very nice at any rate. i love the boy. his mom picked us up, took us to blockbuster, and then back to their house. brock translated some french magazines to me and we looked at gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous pictures (people). we were looking at this article on like. sex in cinema. and since i couldn't read it i could only comment on the pictures. then we started just discussing the models in the ads. then brock was like "oh oh oh" and got out this like. french fashion magazine, saying "there is one guy in here who you are going to love." so we flipped through the whole magazine very carefully, studying everyone scrupulously. near the very end, brock pointed to this totally androgynous little guy and says "this is the one i thought you'd like" and i squealed to death. partly because the man was beautiful, and partly becuse brock knew i'd like him. it was nice. brock said he'd never had anyone to look at his magazines with before and i was glad that we did. i love talking about people with brock, because ... we're both so damn bi. it's completely perfect. then we went downstairs and i started to get some ice cream. i noticed brock watching me, doing that adorably sheepy smile. and i was like "what?!" and he made fun of how i use the ice cream scoop. ahhahahaa. well. he does do it much better than me. we were being really silly and i think i was probably loud, and i think we were disturbing his parents watching some nuts sci-fi scary fillum. sorry, terwillegers. we had to watch our movie (venus beauty institute, featuring the adorable audrey tautou) in wesley's room. it was funny. as i've said, brock and i are very intense in movies. it's too much fun. it makes movies so much more entertaining, when you're really into them. to the extent that you're gripping someone's arm and biting pillows. and we're not talking about thrillers. speaking of. allison did her michael jackson impression english class today. it was fucking awesome. after the movie, we sat around and listened to music and whatnot. then we watched degrassi and some music videos and whosits. my dad came at like 12:45, which was awesome. today was such a great brock day. i really hope he had as good of a time as i did. but i think he did. it was pretty perfect. i didn't mind that much that we didn't get to see anyone else. i think i enjoy brock's company more when we're alone. maybe it just depends who else is around. but everyone knows i get jealous so fucking easy... oh one bad thing was that with all the beautiful models and everything, and brock's newly voiced extreme confidence about his appearance, i felt so ugly all night long. i mean, it wasn't like every five seconds i whined about being a hag. actually i didn't say anything at all. but i didn't THINK it every five seconds either, it was just a general feeling. which i obviously didn't really like. i guess i should be prettier. i started thinking 'well what the fuck alanna you sit there and whine that youre so fucking ugly and you dont do anything about it. you STILL don't buy clothes ever or wear make up or shave your legs or brush your hair. so what the fuck do you expect?' and that's about it. but it makes me feel really silly anyway. oh yeah, but brock and i did the great thing we do a lot where we both start singing the same song at the same time. like 203597 times. i like it that we are doing that again. it's insane and it amazes me every time. god i love brock. man i bet that is all i talk about. well. shit. laylee, if this every becomes what brittany and i lovingly referred to as 'the kyle blog' please let me know. shit guys. i know you guys want to read about it. fucka.
listening to: tattle tale - take ten

today i woke up feeling great, because of being done with my research paper. to some extent, today would've been better if it wasn't physics day. it meant that most all my friend-ishes were absent. but it also meant that most of my classes were really small, which was cool. that's about it. brock told me the secret of who won the scribbler "obsessions" contest but i can't tell. i feel so privileged!!! i love it. brock called me twice today. see? we really are going back to that old thing. it's very nice. i didn't have much homework, but i have an algebra test tomorrow that i am going to fail. it was pretty funny because brock tried to help me, and normally he's the one who is utterly lost. i'm worried about it, because i feel like it's not just one test... not only will it affect my comprehension on the material for the rest of the year, i feel like this is just going to be the first shit i don't get and from here on i won't get anything at all. welcome to the new pattern. hooray.

listening to: scratch acid - ain't that love?

THE GITS OH MY F UCKKING GOD

AM FINISHED. PAPER IS APRINTIN.
START TIME: 4:30
STOP TIME: 11:45
BREAKS: HALF HOUR PHONE WITH BROCK. 1 HOUR DINNER. 1 HOUR PHONE WITH BROCK.


OH MY GOD.
THIS IS THE FASTEST I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.
I MEAN. I COULD GO TO BED AND BE LIKE. ASLEEP.
OR I COULD DO OTHER HOMEWORK.
THIS IS NUTS.
WOW

i write a letter every day
i send it to your vein
you whisper words i cannot face
i'm singing in my chains

i'm about to start on my Day of Death and undertake the seemingly impossible task of writing an entire research paper in a single evening. wish me luck. dan ying said it would take 3 hours.... it took laylee all weekend, and she stayed up all night on sunday to finish. we'll see, we'll see. but i already have a damn headache, and i'm starving. i'm gonna get a peppah.

HOW ARE JOEY RAMONE'S LEGS SO IMPOSSIBLY LONG AND SKINNY? god i love the man.
today wasn't awful. i felt really dumb all day. probably because of shitty grades i've been getting. and then something else. i don't know what but it made me feel really stupid too. plus i finally remembered to make up my history map test, but as climbed out of the stairwell, ervin was walking away down the hall. so i ran back down the stairs. i can't believe i'm so stupid. again. aggugh.
oh yeah, it was MIXITUP day at lunch. they've been promoting it for like two weeks. it's supposed to be this day where you sit with a different group of people than your normal one. to promote tolerance or something. as if that isn't silly enough, my ret@rd*d school made it worse. when you walked into the cafeteria, you were given a little square of colored paper and you were asked to sit at a table that matched the color. you didn't have to, or anything, but rather than promoting just the concept of sitting with someone new, you were basically forced to. it was such a piece of shit. anyway, our regular table (minus nisha, praise god) sat at the color table that brock and katherine had been assigned to. there were two girls sitting there already, and we talked to them a little. one of them's name is linda and i asked to see her bag, so that i could read the pins. she had ones for atom and his package, pedro the lion, coheed and cambria... i was really impressed but she just sort of shrugged or something. it made me wonder if she actually liked the bands, or if someone just gave her the pins. also, mark fucking bolding sat down next to sallis. ho is that for awkward? poor sallis. i couldn't tell if the rest of the people that ended up there usually sat together or not. so i guess we mixed it up a little, but it was mostly awkward, and mostly me and brock talking. oh well. it seemed like the day was pretty awkward for everyone. or cruel, in some instances. it just seems like the popular people were kind of like "ooh let's mix it up and sit with the unpopular people!" the cafeteria was still segregated black/white though, pretty much. except for this asian kid sitting at a table with some black guys. he looked absolutely miserable. even more miserable was this white kid sitting with some black guys... he was so miserable, he was reading the newspaper. a lot of people were only participating because they though they'd get in trouble if they didn't. you could tell. the whole idea made me really sad. kids shouldn't be forced into an activity like this, and we weren't, so most people didn't even try to do it, not even student council. the ones who DID seemed to be mocking the whole concept. i think i did a better job of scaring away kids than i did making a new friends. i am not a racist or a sexist or anything. i sit with the kids i know because they're the kids i know i like. i don't sit with them because we're all middle class whities. and anyway i didn't like mark fucking bolding before he sat down, and i didn't like him anymore when lunch was over. however i waved at jo. that was a new experience. ahhahahaha.
therapy yesterday was okay. the office was locked when we got there and we waited outside for like 10 minutes. we nearly left, but lady happened to be walking by when mom knocked one last time. it was fortunate, i guess. she's asked mom to sit in for all our sessions recently. it's sort of intimidating but i think what she's trying to do is make it more comfortable for me to talk in front of more than one person, or something. or maybe just more comfortable with mom. well, there's some kind of point to it, i know that much. first we talked about the dad/blog thing and she had me leave to talk to mom alone for a few minutes. that was strange, we've never done that before. then we talked about how to fix shit, etc. lady said i can bring dad in any time i want, and try to work on issues better in a session. that might help, if we had something concrete to deal with. rather than just me being constantly pissed off at his ness. then she asked about my report card, and how things in history discussion went, and how my college research is going, and if i've done anything to get on my way to driving. mostly it's okay. i sounded really okay. pretty hilarious after one of the worst weeks of my life. at the very end she asked if i had anything else to say. i tried to say what a bad week i'd had, but it felt really unimportant suddenly, and there were no words that fit it right. she asked if i was stressed or sad or what? and i had no idea how to say it, so i was basically like "eahoig" and that was the end. plus mom was still there, that definitely affected things. it's harder to talk like that.
we came home, i got some ice cream, and then the parentals and i sat down for a Talk. i don't really want to go into it, but dad agreed not to look at my blog again. i made him tell me a few details, so if you're interested: he looked for it specifically on google, it didn't just happen to pop up. he has been reading it every day for the past few weeks, and before that more irregularly. he doesn't understand the privacy issue.
end. as the conversation was breaking up, he told me that brock and brandon had called ("oh, her male entourage!" quoth mom). i was afraid to call back brock because it was like 9:30. which isn't that late, but still. margaret would've been asleep, come on. there was something really really nice about talking to brock on the phone last night. i can't really put my finger on it. i feel like our relationship sort of fell out for a few weeks, but we are getting back to where we were, and i'm really glad. i couldn't stand it if brock went away. it'd be nice to think he thought the same.

listening to: rasputina - the new zero

HONEY NUT CHEERIOS MILK N CEREAL BAR
WOO BOY
BREAKFAST ASS

god i'm tired. i'm too tired and i don't really have time to blog very well tonight. but a rought outline:
school. homework. therapy. talk with parents. call with brock. oblivion. latin essay.

BECCA'S SHOW:
java - dec 5.
HOO HOOO HO

Patti Smith


what punk rock goddess are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


fucking awesome!!!! i couldn't tell she was one of the choices until the last question. woohoo i love patti. she's so beautiful.

today dad 'fixed' my window without telling me. it was really sad. i need to have a ceremony. today basically sucked all around. it invovled cleaning and no friends and really shitty family stuff. at one point i was annoyed at havingn to clean the kitchen, which was full of mom's shit and complaining that she's always mad at US for leaving stuff everywehre, and i had to clean up her damn mess. she got really pissed and was all like "are you a part of the family or not?" because if i wasn't going to help out, i better find somewhere else to live, and "then it's settled, you're out of here when you turn 18 and we're not going to help you pay for college or anything." it made my day ten times better. woowee what a weekend.
so i basically sat around lifeless and depressed all day. i called a laylee, katherine, and brock but no one was around. eventually i was talking to sallis online, and he had been planning to do his english essay stuff tonight but instead invited me over to watch a movie. it was very sweet. his parents and mine were both going to the 'boogie in the books' party in the library. ho ho ho. is it ironic that the day katherine deleted her blog (party in the library) they actually HAD one? ..... i'm easily amused.
sallis came to pick me up and it was all raining and he had this huge umbrella to walk me to the car and he opened my door all nice. he's the greatest. he had gotten the stretch princess cd yesterday, and he had it in his car. it made me really happy. the funny thing is that he heard "shoes" in elise's car, probably before school yesterday morning. i, of course, made elise download that song this summer. sallis fell in love with the song and had to have the cd. bravo, good sir. anyway, back at his house i met his brother, his parents, and his parents' friends. i tried to be a polite little alanna. i don't know if it worked. especially since laylee called me and my cell phone was all ringy and i was all cell phone girly. i felt silly, but i was really happy that laylee called back. sallis and i had talked about inviting some other people to come back a movie with us, but they were busy anyway. after sallis's brother retreated, and the adults left to boogie, we stood around trying to decide what to watch. it didn't go very well. sallis is polite, so he was letting me, the guest, decide what to watch and i am indecisive so i couldn't choose. we ended up going to blockbuster and milling around until we spotted "frida." i had been really wanting to see that, and sallis said he'd heard good things so we got it. and "finding nemo" for his brother. thank god, too, because it kept him occupied all night, and he would've been a little young for miss frida. i lovedddd the movie. it was really really well done in the acting, and the history, and the cinema, and everything about it. wow it was really good. sigh. i hope sallis isn't having nightmares. i told him to call me if he had one, but i think he would be too polite for that. i told him i might call HIM, but i got a little carried away with laylee and the suicide girls just now. so maybe another time aha. anyway. after the movie, we had time to discuss it a little and everything, which was nice. then the adults came home and talked about the party and everything. haa it was very gossip compared to what i am used to hearing from my parents on that kind of event. there's nothing about the 55-year-old in the mini skirt, or the person whose face looked like it had been run over by a truck. it was interesting, at least, to get a different perspective. then they embarassed sallis to death by showing me the video they'd made for his 16th birthday this summer featuring lots of baby pictures and the 4 adults talking about what a good kid sallis is. and all kinds of people singing happy birthday. it was nice, but i should've insisted that i didn't want to see it, for sallis's sake. the adults were obviously very proud of it and everything, and i guess i didn't want to spoil their good time. then again, they were constantly making fun of sallis for the way he talks and everything. which is funny, i thought that maybe he got it from his parents or something. apparently not. i also thought he got his love of jummy buffett and celtic from them, but they also made fun of that. when we first came in, he made some comment and they were just kind of like ".....ooookay. nutcase." in not so many words. i mean, it's no wonder the poor kid thinks he's a weirdo and has no self-esteem. even his parents make fun of him, why would anyone else feel differently? i'm really preachy right now. sorry. i like sallis, though. he's a great kid. my dad came to pick me up eventually, and we all sort of stood around the doorway and talked for a few minutes. i think i must've said something funny, because sallis's dad gave me this weird tap thing on my shoulder. ahahahahaha that is pretty funny. to me. so we were saying goodbye and sallis tried to shake my hand. it was very cute. i sort of shook it a little, and then hugged him anyway. i hope he didn't mind too much. i probably invaded his space. well maybe he needs a little invasion every now and then. and i was the man for the job. *cue music*
i was not very happy that dad and dad alone was my chauffer this evening. no, no, no. we are not on good terms obviously. but when he came to get me, i was in this great mood and he was in this great mood, plus part of it was a thing about looking happy in front of sallis's family or something, i think. unconciously maybe. but anyway, i was being nice to him and he, of course, was being nice to me. so i couldn't very well just stop as soon as i realized it was happening, in the car. it made me really mad because i haven't really yelled at him, except for once, about being totally angry with him. and if i've just done this happy thing, then i'm obviously not totally angry. phh i fucked it all up. now what can i do god damn it. dad took the niceness as an opportunity to be especially talky to me and he did the touchy thing and eww. he's been kissing my head a lot the past few days and it's going to drive me insane. next time i think i'll fucking slap his face. i hate it. i hate him tricking himself into thinking that we are chums. god. i've done it again. i didn't want to end on a sour note. OH I SO DON'T HAVE TO.
brock called during the middle of the movie, "just to check up." the conversation was probably our shortest to date... about 30 seconds or something. it just made me really really really really happy. that was a highlight of the evening. obviously the other big highlight was simply the fact that i got to hang out with sallis. wow, i feel so honored. another highlight was that on the way home, brandon called to tell me about the bonfire madigan show. man. i really wish i could've been there. obviously. he was very non-braggy about it, which i really appreciated. he was nice about it, and got me something (i couldn't really tell what he said) and he's going to make me a copy of the live cd. hooray and many thanks to brandon. i love that puppy lump. when i got home, i went online and whatnot. talked to elise a little bit about this basic essay i wrote on my new interpretation of her music video "untouchable face" which can be read here in the commentaries. she did what i thought she'd do, which was forget that i was talking about the video and not her damned personal life. she was EXTREMELY non-talky. over the last couple months, we don't actually have a conversation unless she starts it. if i start it, i basically ramble and she says "haha," "yeah," and "depends on how you look at it." well that was tonight's vocabulary anyway. it's beginning to drive me nuts. HAHAH but i don't really have to deal with it, i guess so who cares. anyway. for the past few hours i have been talking to laylee. we tried to find nude blog layouts. there used to be a whole site, and we can't find it anymore. pretty sad. so we just ended up hanging out with the suicide girls. a pretty good evening, on a whole. too bad that most of the day was shit, and the entire week was shit. i mean, even the movie we watched was intensely depressing. i can't get away from sad and depress lately. well woops.

listening to: commander venus - peppermints

cheese + turkey love mix for laylee

this is the tracklist. laylee, if you haven't listened to all of it yet, don't look!! because that was the whole reason i didn't get it to you personally. i'm serious!

1) Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Road Runner
2) The 5 6 7 8's - Woo Hoo
3) The Dead Milkmen - Laundromat Song
4) Interpol - Say Hello To Angels
5) The Raveonettes - Beat City
6) Sleater-Kinney - Off With Your Head
7) the Seconds - burning up
8) Bangs - I Want More
9) Gossip - Got Body If You Want It
10) The Frumpies - Baby Plays For Pritty
11) Libertines - I Get Along
12) Palomar - slingshot
13) Selby Tigers - Droid
14) Stereo Total - LA, CA, USA
15) Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Poodle Rockin'
16) Lunachicks - Jerk of all trades
17) Tullycraft - Pop Songs Your New Boyfriend's Too Stupid To Know About
18) James Kochalka Superstar - Monkey Vs. Robot
19) Frank Black - Headache
20) Throwing Muses - Shark
21) amazing plaid - a backpack mystery
22) The Slits - Shoplifting
23) Tracy + The Plastics - Hey Rubella
24) Peaches - Set It Off
25) Semiautomatic - Resident Genius
26) Deerhoof - Magic Star
27) Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
28) The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
29) Talking Heads - Pulled Up

i think i'm going to make a version for brock and swap out the songs i've already put on mixes for him. aha. i'm nuts. jesus.

listening to: deerhoof - magic star

You have BAD AIDS!!! This is the opposite of good
aids. Good aids is socially acceptable, but BAD
AIDS is only contracted through touching a
Libertine too much in the genital area.. and/or
looking at one for too long.


Which Libertines Sexually Transmitted Disease are you?
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

i'll be brave tonight

another new blog layout. i already think this one is old. it's so ...... green. well, who knows. maybe it will grow on me. i like the image and the quote, but i'm too lazy to mess with colors and fonts myself right now.
it was a pretty good day. another one of those where the day SHOULD suck and it doesn't. this week was so bad, that today couldn't really help but be good. if it had been bad, i could've like. filed a complaint to jesus or something. i fell the fuck asleep last night trying to study. again. good god this is getting old.
we had an english test on the age of innocence, which i am proud to say, was my first sparknotes test. i only read about 100 pages of that shit. and i wanna be a kennedy, what can i say? i think i did pretty well on it. who cares, though, because an english test day means that laylee, margaret, jenny, and katherine w come to our lunch. hooray! it was so relaxing, not having to listen/talk to nisha. i guess i should feel bad for the people who DID have to talk to her, but jenny doesn't hate her or anything. jenny is nice. unlike me. i have no soul.
i also had tests in ap u.s. and latin, which didn't go very well. or maybe i was just more pessimistic at the end of the day. i don't care anymore, because god blessed me and made today friday. after school, brock came home with us. that made me really happy, because he said last night that he wanted to just go home and chill today. i mean it was nice that he wanted to take a day off and everything, but i like having company. we went to sonic of course. mmm. aaahaha. we sat around over here, and tried to find a movie to watch but our wide selection somehow seemed very selective tonight. we talked about renting something, but it seemed like a hassle to make mom drive out and get one. plus brock still wanted to be home early and everything, so there wasn't really time to do that by the time mom got up from her nap. however, unaware that brock was about to leave, she suggested we see a movie. brock called his mom and asked if she could come and get him, morgan, and me and take us to paradiso. unfortunate: brock's family had decided to do some family dessert outing thing, and they were all in the car on the way to my house when he asked. they hadn't told him about it, and he was like "oh well we don't have to go to the movie" and everything, but brock's family is brock's family therefore they were like "whatever" and took us anyway, even though they weren't very happy about it. brock does that kind of thing sometimes. to a different extent. he "whatever"s a lot of things, and endures a lot of shit he isn't happy with. it makes him really hard to read. that's okay.
we saw "love actually" which was a pretty good movie. i LOVE movies with brock, as i've said. we are so dramatic. even when i'm really really into a movie, i'm mostly internal about it, but not with brock. when something awkward or pathetic happens, brock can't look at the screen. he's so sympathetic. it's great. he usually leans over in his seat, and i rub his back. sometimes he just covers his face, depending on the trauma. during suspense, he is an arm grabber. during "matchstick men" we spent most of the movie clutching each other. simply because any kind of suspense is painful. during tender moments, i lean my head on his shoulder and it's all very nice. he also does this thing i love where he sort of strokes your elbow. aw i love that thing. is it strange that we are more physical in the theatre than anywhere else?
mom picked us up, and i got annoyed that she had brought the dogs and there was barely room in the car for all of us because she'd also taken out the back seat of the damn car. it seems like i get really easily frustrated right after a movie. i don't know why. it's just another weird fucking thing i do, i guess. ah well. wow my thumb is really flat on one side. i wonder, has it always been that way? so we took brock home. morgan and i watched i love the 80s and some music videos. actually she fell asleep. dad has been trying to talk to me and act like everything is fine. actually he's trying to be nicer than normal. i'm about to explode. i've basically just been doing the silence thing but he obviously doesn't get it. next time he pats my fucking shoulder or kisses me on the head, i am going to fucking scream. i'm going insane this way. he acts all offended when i seem upset with him, but he still hasn't actually confronted me about the issue. i was waiting for him to do it, because it's his fucking issue to begin with and because i'm obviously not talking to him unless it's necessary. oh yeah, yesterday i added my last post to letter from memphis. it was a sad moment. but i figured i should just go ahead and explain why i stopped blogging there so that people would quit asking me and i wouldn't have to say it anymore. but of course, now that i've actually written it, no one has read it and no one else has asked me. so i'm a little put out. but whatever. maybe dad will see it and leave me the fuck alone. man i didn't want to end on such a sour note. i'm having a good day, and i intend to have a good weekend. anyone up for driving me to new orleans tomorrow ho ho ho? well. anyone up for hanging out, at least? god damn.

listening to: kill hannah - ten more minutes with you

EVERYONE IS DRIVING ME NUTS. AGOWIHPAEGIHPAWEGHI.

listening to: the gits - while you're twisting

so i just talked to becca and things are better. it's funny that i knew they would fix really easily and i didn't just go ahead and let it happen. oh well. i think a lot of shit just made me more mad about the show than i otherwise would've been and just being mad at becca was an easy target for my anger. hopefully i will feel a little lifted now that we've talked a little and everything. let's hope...
actually right now i'm more upset with myself for missing the fucking show (because it was my fault) and for being so stupid, bitchy, and depressed. well fuck.

listening to: digger - try and catch me

Life's A Show...


Which Buffy Musical Song Are You?
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hahaha

today was terrible. last night i cried myself to sleep. i've never done that before. i couldn't stop. it was just everything and that was too much. at one point i decided to call someone, but when i picked up the phone i couldn't think of who. no one wants a late-night tear-stained phone call from sinfully depressed alanna. i don't know what's wrong with me this week. it's getting really bad, and i don't know what to do.
i wish i could've just avoided everyone at school today. for the most part i did a pretty good job of acting fine. i didn't see becca after 2nd period, which i usually do, so she might've thought i was avoiding her. actually, after 6th period i conciously did avoid her. it was too late in the day for me to deal with things. i feel awful for being such a slut to her yesterday. well actually she's just gotten online so i'm going to try to talk. let's see.

listening to: the gits - guilt within your head

now that i think about it, i don't know what to think about this becca email. i shouldn't be mad at her or anything, and the reasons she gives are perfectly understandable. like the reason she couldn't come to the play on friday was because brock was out with other people and so she couldn't get a ride with him... but he said she never called, and i don't know how she could've known that without calling him first. and the reason i didn't get to come to bonfire madigan was because i didn't go to school on tuesday. in that case it's entirely my fault, but i'd thought the whole thing was off by then. if i had known, i would've come, but i wasn't told over the weekend that they were still planning to go... when i talked to laylee on monday night, she said they were going to go, but since i hadn't been informed i wasn't going to butt in.
god. i don't know what to think anymore. i think i would just be perfectly accepting of becca clearing things up if not for all this other stupid mess in my life right now. and the weirdo halloween event gave me a different outlook on how to interpret people talking. or something. i don't know.
at any rate, she ends the email saying she's worried about me. i don't know if that means she's worried that i am mad at her, or that i am just not doing well in general. i am worried about me too. what is going on.

listening to: bonfire madigan - vigil

i just read an email that becca sent me and i feel ret@rd*d. i hate myself and no one else.

my throat is really tight like i'm going to cry. i'm not.
becca and william drove to nashville after school and saw bonfire madigan. they were practically the only people there. i'm really really really upset that i didn't get to go. it's ruining my week. that and the fact that dad has apparently been reading my blog. i have no idea for how long or anything. how fucking creepy is that? hence the deletion. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i've talked about it too much today to say anything more.
i mentioned before that the therapist had suggested i do compulsive stuff. today i was taking one of my signature long-ass showers, and i got really sad so i lay down for a really long time. then i found a penny on the side of the tub and spent about half an hour scraping from between the tiles in the shower. it was really weird. i didn't really think about it at first, and then i was like "what am i doing?" but i didn't stop. i couldn't exactly stop. it was very strange, and i'm afraid of myself. i got to talk to brock on the phone for a long time. also, sallis called because he was worried about me. it was the best thing that's happened to me in days. brandon also called, to brag that he gets to see bmad AND rx bandits this weekend. god damn.
i would say more but it's too painful right now and i'm depressed and i have lots of work to do and i can't stop listening to madigan. i think i'll die.

listening to: tattle tale - fly away
"i wish i could cry, but the tears don't come out of my eyes. will you hold my hand? will you hold my hand? and don't let go..."

i hate you

alack, sick day. i am pissed off that i stayed up slightly late finishing homework and then didn't go to school anyway. i was going to email my assignment to wexler but i don't have her address with me... go figure. oh well. it was an okay day. i still didn't get much done. poo. if anyone could tell me what we did in school, it would be much appreciated.
yesterday was a day off from school for teacher inservice or something. i don't really care what for. i don't like it that they gave us another day off so soon after the last one, because i know there's that huge stretch of no time off later this year. morgan woke me up at 1pm, but i was so cranky and she was so cold that i pushed her out of my bed. she was very upset, but she forgave me eventually. at 5 we went to see "pieces of april" which was a nice movie. my favorite part was that it was a really really low-budget digital indie movie. their company thing was called indigent (independent digital entertainment) which i thought was really clever/amusing. i was very impressed with katie holmes. she looked sooo different. in a good way. we got home and i realized i had missed my therapy appointment. i am kind of glad. last week was very bad. mom sat in the whole time, and that made me more dependent on her for answers and everything. i said "i don't know" repeatedly because i didn't want her to say i was wrong/stupid, i guess. i am still trying to figure out why i do that. and the lady said some things that really weirded me out, that i show a mixture of anxiety and compulsive tendencies. it's so weird seeing myself this way. i was never a person who looked at myself as having problems like this. just that i was about as fucked up as the average person, not with issues like these. anyway i rescheduled my appointment for next monday. i will be proud to tell her that i did indeed speak in the stupid history class discussion on friday. even if i sounded completely ret@rd*d. oh well. things are okay right now.

this weekend (so far, although it's basically over for me. unless we see 'pieces of april' tomorrow, which mom thinks was filmed in my aunt's apartment building on the lower east side of new york) has been pretty damn good. well, except for my nothingness on friday. i had an orthodontist appointment so i couldn't hang out with kids after school. and anyway katherine and i had made editting plans, so it was all good. we ended up only getting to do it for a short time, as i mentioned before, because she had to go to the football game for band. then i sat around for hours and sulked. i went to the play because becca had said she was available to go that night. i got the impression that was really going to try and get there, so even though i had planned to go on sunday, rather than friday, i went so that she woudln't be alone. however she completely forgot about it, but that's cool. brock left that huge group of kids to come be with theatre, which was very nice of him. i guess it was less "nice" than just "i am brock and i can't stand to be in one situation for too long." i don't know that he even had a necessarily very good time. ah well, such is the life of a free mason. daniel from open-mic also showed up at the play, but he really didn't like it. i personally thought it was really great, very moving and emotional, and portrayed beautifully. it was INCREDIBLY short, which sucked, because i could really see how much greater it would have been if the auditions had had better turn out... it was just great. i'm sorry i didn't film it, because i know that i (and a lot of other OOV people) will regret that in the future. it was just amazing. even with the shortness, the point is done so well that it ends up not really mattering. huge kudos to all the actors, because you were fucking awesome. i pity all of you who didn't go see it. shame, shame, shame. please read the review and feel even worse about not going. because shit.
after the play, the three of us, plus morgan, eileen, and sara went to pizza cafe for a while. afterwards, brock was only here for like 10 seconds before his mom came. we were really tired. the day was okay, but not spectacular.
saturday, katherine came over and editted from 12 to 2 or something. it was okay, we didn't get too much done, and we got really tired of editting. hopefully we'll have time to do some tomorrow and maybe even finish the damned dance break. jesus!
laylee had nothing to do on saturday, and really wanted to see me. it was sad because of all days when i actually have fucking PLANS she is bored and lonely. it's always so opposite. but i spent a lot of time on the phone or online with her in between the time when katherine left and when zoe picked me and morgan up at 4:30 for her birthday party. we ate mexican with kimberly, zak, eric, katy, miranda, and zoe's mom. it was nice. then we (minus kimberly) hung out at square foods, and saw good time speech before going back to zoe's house (minus zak) for the most beautiful cake i've ever eaten featuring chocolate ice cream, vanilla cake, whipped cream, and reese's pieces bits strewn all over. ohh jesus melt. then we just hung out in zoe's room for a bit. eric went home, i nearly fell asleep on the floor. then we watched "hedwig and the angry inch." HOORAY HOORAY. i love that movie. i don't know that katy and miranda liked it... ah well. then zoe and i slept in her bed, while morgan, miranda, and katy slept in the den. zoe and i stayed up talking long into the night. it was nice, and all in all the night was not as awkward as i was anticipating. i missed a call from brandon, because i accidentally left my phone on silent after the play. i'm sorry, puppy lump. i would've liked to talk to you. it would've been nice if you had called tonight, too, while i was at laylee's beatles party. ohhh. it was so nice.
i really need to start eating better. or at least eating regularly. this morning, zoe's mom fed us so much damn food. i had 2 waffles, scrambled eggs, and a piece of that delicious cake for breakfast. it was more than i've eaten in like 3 months. so much that i basically didn't get hungry for the rest of the day. at all. my food pattern is getting really sad. it's at the point where my body is so USED to not eating, that when i finally do put something in it, it goes "HOLY SHIT! FOOD?! GIVE ME LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS MORE!" which i don't want to do. so since eating only makes me hungry, and i just avoid it more. one of these days i'm going to collapse and have no idea why. aha. after dad picked us up from zoe's, (we were the last ones to leave) i went home briefly. mom wanted me to research 4 colleges before i did anything else, so i did that and started to burn a cd for laylee. then mom was like "WE HAVE TO GO. NOW" and the cd was 10 seconds from being done, but she was really upset with me and there was no WAY we cold wait without her freaking out. it was really depressing. i was so excited too. so she took mixless me to laylee's house where she looked so fucking hot in her pajamas, and we cuddled on the bed, and listened to rasputina, and had a lovely time just sitting around being alanna and laylee. it was perfect. then laylee craved turkey wraps, so her mom took us to kroger to get the ingredients. while we were there, daniell called and said that at yogurt, she had invited brock to the beatles party they had planned for tonight. and while she was telling him, elizabeth overheard, so they invited her. she, in turn, asked if she could bring 5 other people. so laylee was like "waheoieig" plus everyone now had the impression that it was happening at laylee's house, which was not supposed to be happening in the first place. so we were rather put out. but it all worked out okay. we went home and ate our wraps, which weren't as good as laylee was anticipating. aww. i wasn't even hungry anyway HAHA. then arman came home from his job at the children's museum, and offered to help us with the party. it was really cute. he was doing that voice that laylee and becca also use. gwahahah cute. we ended up spending most of hte evening in prepartion. the guests arrived in a little trickle all night, and becca was the first to arrive, though not. in a very. good mood. somewhat like our friend the DwarfStar. then daniell came, and arman helped all of us make nametags on yellow construction paper with submarines on them. the nametag idea was a joke, because we were saying that if elizabeth brought 5 kids that none of us knew, we should have nametags to help remember who was who and everything... though in the end, i told brock on the phone that laylee really didn't want them to come, so it didn't happen. but we still wore the nametags, and i loved it. mine is very tiny. like me. i'm still wearing it and i like it. we (laylee) also made pins of the 5 main characters from the yellow submarine cartoon. they're pefect. i got ringo, which i was sad about at first, because george is my favorite and all, but after we watched "help" i didn't mind at all. because he's damned great in that movie. kevin was the captain of the submarine, rather than a beatle. because he's bearded and pink-ish. ahahahah. also arman bought us cookie dough and we made one big cookie out of it, to be a cake, and becca and daniell drew a big submarine on it with yellow icing, and wrote the beatles' names on it and covered it with lovely sprinkles, one big fat candle, and a star wars robot. it was damned beautiful and i'm sad we took no pictures. balloons were thrown, candles were blown, songs were sung, prayers were said. it was a beautiful evening. arman also made us drinks which he named "yellow submarines" which were lemonade and vodka. not incredibly pleasant, but it was supposed to make the party more fun aha. i had about half of mine, and kevin had the rest (entirely unaware that it wasn't just lemonade). partway through, "help" william arrived, and about halfway through becca and i spilled milk all over the place. as laylee and i ran around trying to clean it up, and start making popcorn at the same time, brock arrived. he let me hug him to death, which made me really happy because he's not been letting me. or maybe it's a public thing. or something. i don't know, but he did and i listened to his pretty heart. when we started the movie again, william and becca left to talk in laylee's room, and brock and i had great fun static-ing pink balloons to our heads. nobody would sing the songs with me. it was sad. and i kept trying to teach brock which beatle was which, and tell him that he needed to get a favorite before the night was over... i don't think it worked. now that i think about it, his presense at the party is really hysterical. he doesn't even like the beatles. i mean, he doesn't dislike them either but he wasn't raised on them like a lot of people (me, laylee, becca, daniell, kevin, and i will throw in william too for the hell of it). it's really depressing when you think about it. i remember my dad telling me their names on the cover of the "tv this week" when the anthologies were first airing. it was that picture of them on the beach in their red and white striped bathing suits. and i couldn't tell those shits apart. partly because of the damned grain of the newspaper photo, but still. and my first real beatles song was "taxman." i mean everybody hears "yellow submarine" on the radio and whatever, but the first one that i HEARD, that was played in the car, and i asked "who is this?" was "taxman." a george song of course. he's my favorite beatle. oh jesus i melted over him tonight. oh jesus i did. he's so damned beautiful constantly. he said some line about somebody's tongue "leaving it out like that, all pink and naked." AGHWHAHAOIEHAHI. jesus. i love the whole vibe of beatles films. they just make me so happy. because it's great to think that they really acted like that in real life. you could totally believe it. not to the extent that they all lived in the same house with four separate, differently-colored doors for each of them, but just the atmosphere of everything. i want so badly to believe that it was real, even if it was just during one album's era. and i hate the fucking monkees for trying to achieve that, and not coming anywhere close. stupid motherfuckers with no musical talent and pure money minds. i hate you forever. shut the fuck up with your fucking porpoise song.
after "help" we put on "hard day's night" because daniell and becca (who did come back in) had never seen it. i had suggested we watch that one first, because you can only really see the humor when you're watching closely and paying a lot of attention to the little dialogues and everything, unless you're just going to talk over the movie and dance during the songs... which is what we ended up doing. that was fine, but it would've been better to watch help like that, because you can be talking and still look up during a random scene and find some of it funny. even the delivery of "hard day's night" is colder and everything. there were some absolutely hysterical shots and sucessions of transitions in "help" that i hadn't really noticed before. ahah oh god i'm so film this is sick. i'm shutting up. the point is it was a really really great night. eventually, laylee and kevin were like "this night is done, we want to be alone." (though he hugged us both, kevin kissed me but not brock. MWAHAHA. i'm so god.) so brock and i walked to his house. on the way we sat back to back on a tire swing. my feet couldn't touch the ground, so brock did all the real swinging. i felt bad about that, but. sorry i'm a freeloader, brock. then he got dizzy so we just swung on the regular swings instead. it was nice. i think the skirt i wrote today is my swinging skirt, because i am always swinging and singing in it. very nice. luckily this evening, i didn't demonstrate it's horrifying flippage power to brock, where it does that billow and then flies practically over my head. ahahahaha. only laylee has seen that shit. anyway it was just nice and we talked a while. then he was worried that his mom would be anxious about us getting home, so we kept walking. i have never walked from brock's to laylee's, so i didn't know how long it would take and i was afraid we wouldn't have enough time to talk. i walk slowly anyway, because i hate time and i want to be leisurely or whatever the fuck. he strides. partly because he's so much bigger than me that his legs just move faster, but whatever. we had a nice conversation about our weekends and about why i hate it when people don't defend their opinion. he generally doesn't do that, so obviously even though he didn't agree with my speech he wasn't going to say anything about it. how sick and sad is that? it's depressing to think about. but it was a nice walk. my thighs got really fucking cold. the best part is that i had my bra in my coat pocket and it was sticking out everywhere. actually even better is that before i put it away, i had been carrying it and i accidentally waved it to brock's mom as she drove away. HAHAHAHAHAHA. she did indeed drive me home, and i felt guilty about doing that to her, but i thanked her and everything so hopefully she won't hate me even more than i know she already does. i hadn't thought to bring my house key because i didn't think i was going to be out late or anything, and i forgot that since dad has work tomorrow, he wouldn't be awake when i got home. therefore i had to crawl into my bedroom window again (this should be a weekly habit, because it's too much fun) and i'm sure that also made brock's mom uncomfortable. i didn't explain it to her. i didn't think to. oh well. as soon as i fell onto my bed, my phone rang and brock asked if i had gotten in okay. it was very sweet of him to check, because most people just drive off. but, as i've said, the lock on my window is broken so it wasn't like there was no way in or anything. hahaa jesus. i still have laylee's wallet in my purse. i called to tell her and we got to talk for a little, while kevin linuxed. i love to talk to laylee. oh god it's good. she is entirely honest and beautiful to me and no one is as good as laylee. except maybe george harrison. but i told her i was going to go to bed because i was so tired. instead i came in here and wrote this hour-long post for her. so she better be fucking happy.

listening to: the beatles - the long and winding road

HAPPY ARE MY MIND AND MY SOUL
AND MY HEART

frank can sing me away any day. god i love him. god i do. i have gotten extreme shivers listening to this song. usually it makes me really happy, but since i already wasn't in a good mood, it did that thing where you listen to a happy love song and get really depressed because it's never going to be you. shit i hate that. it happens way too much to me. i wish it didn't. i'm such a jealous loser.

listening to: frank black - speedy marie

i feel my weekend swirling down the drain. katherine came over for like 30 minutes to edit, and that has been the only good thing to happen so far. i'm depressed. i'm going to good time speech at 8 (EVERYONE COME!) so hopefully that will make me happier. i don't know. man i don't want a shitty three-day weekend... come the fuck on.

listening to: erase errata - ease on over

"When Doves Cry" (by Prince)
How could you just leave me standing,
Alone in a world so cold?
Maybe you're just too demanding.
Maybe I'm just like my father--too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother.
She's never satisfied.
Why do we scream at each other?
This is what it sounds like,
When doves cry.


Which 80's Song Fits You?
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ew i hate this song.

suddenly had the urge to blog.... yesterday someone asked me if i was brock's little sister. HAHAHA.
he drove me and his mom home. it was tres cute. i can't wait for him to get his license. he's so excited. we hung out at his house and did homework, then we had to be at school at 5:45 to usher for the play. we also had to wear all black. brock loaned me this huge shirt, which he said was cute because of its hugeness. then i remembered i had my rasputina t-shirt in my backpack, and put that on under his shirt, like a jacket thing. but he was doing that subtle brock thing and i could tell he really didn't want me to wear his shirt. it was sad. so i took it off, and froze to death all night long. but whatever if he didn't want me to wear it. i think he's been thinking about how we look to people we don't know.... probably like we're dating. and so of course he wouldn't want me to wear his clothes or touch him or anything ever. it is not good to look as though you are dating alanna. no sir. anyway it turns out the play didn't start until 7. what the fuck?! we went to wendy's with the techies. i really don't understand why they need so many people on tech, and then six ushers. it's really ridiculous. there are like 15 people on tech, and most of them seriously can't be doing much of anything. and they did the classic tech thing of wakling around the auditorium during the show. i can't figure out why, eitehr. oh well. it was slightly okay because tim (tech director) would come back to me and brock in the back row and talk a little bit. the play was .............. awful. hands down. it was not funny at all. tim was like "no one is laughing!" so brock and i made it our job to laugh loudly. mrs. j apparently appreciated it. but after intermission, where we poured drinks, lauren h and allison were in the auditorium with us, and were talking loudly and laughing too fake and too long. mrs. j kept turning around and looking at us... i felt really bad. god that play was shit though. brock and i left early. we stood around in the cold for a few minutes and talked about the world as an egg and whatnot. brock and i talk a lot. i really like it. i like that we talk about all kinds of things for forever. then his mom drove me home, which was nice. i fell asleep doing my homework. again. god damn.
today i smiled really big at tim in the hall, and he waved all happy. oh it was nice. what was nicer today was LAYLEE. she made me SO happy... i can't even say. she was all touchy and adorable and telling me how cute i am constantly. and it's only true when laylee says it.
i should be doing english. fuck.

listening to: talking heads - pulled up

the queers are coming to the hi-tone. anyone up for going? i just figured i should announce it.
bonfire madigan is in nashville on tuesday night... sigh.

listening to: the sick lipstick - teenage robots

You should be dating an Aquarius.
20 January - 18 February
Your mate is communicative, thoughtful and caring.
Though he/she can be tactless and rude and
sometimes self-interested, he/she enjoys the
intellectual experience of sex.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahaa shit i guess i answered too much like myself. where am i supposed to find another aquarius? i can't think of anyone anyway. i'm too lazy to take the quiz again though.

listening to: the selby tigers - droid

ohhh my i just finished wasteland and it is so beautiful and sad. please read it.

listening to: zoë keating - exurgency

man i feel guilty for not blogging in a few days. mannn now i feel like i can't say anything new without having to do catch-up shit. well.


holy shit i've been sitting here staring at those sentences for forever. it's now 5:30. i just can't write right now. oh well, i don't think anyone is reading this, so no one will mind. aha.

OH MY GOD RASPUTINA WAS AMAZING

brock just called and woke me up. gwahaha. i love him.