you never really tried

phew. finally finally finally sent the last email to TM. thank goodness i got that off my chest!

NOW. i am moving back to the south in a week and three days. all this must happen before then:

• finish color correcting the movie
• laundry
• return library books
• order new glasses
• renew driver license
• get car serviced
• PACK UP EVERYTHING
• become unaddicted to coffee and smokes
• last chance photo copies
• goodbye party
• record new vocals for the chase song???
• go camping???
• cut my hair dammit
• chill out.... hahaha

listening to: kate bush - the big sky

no letters in the mailbox

wrote an email to KSB tonight explaining that i am going home for xmas and not coming back. she responded ten minutes later with a very diplomatic note that everything is fine and she's not worried about training the new staff and interns but that probably they can't pay me to work remotely. it sorta sucks to be out of a job, but it's kind of a relief to be starting fresh and not being obligated to this campaign anymore.

back to the south!! perhaps the movie really will be done by christmas and then katherine and i will tour with it in the spring and then maybe i'll go to folklore school or be a witch in the woods for real.

i have exactly ten more minutes of the movie that i have to color. then i just need to get katherine to review it, make whatever changes we need, and then it'll be DONE. really done. it's hard to believe.... better get back to work.


listening to: leonard cohen - diamonds in the mine

take me back to the river of dirt

go back to possum country. the house must be bigger on the inside. breathe into it, let the wind blow in. the woods will be waiting. let the sun be the light.

whats the hurry? you're not going anywhere and they're still waiting.

seek them out.

say, honey i am not sorry

every time you look, you get sick to your stomach, feel nauseous and dizzy, the cavern cracked in your chest, gouged. you need to lock up all the offenses in a box and get it out of sight, burn it if necessary.

don't forget: last night you felt nothing. thirty minutes on the phone, and nothing. the drop in your gut at the predictable typical "hello?" multi-tasking at the party, the ugly silence. how flippant to your low note, how ungrateful and spoiled for a charmed life.

you drink, and dream of women: cale's birthday a circus of pierced nipples, rooms full of bathtubs, and balancing acts on floating balloons. waking up is not real life, but you have a better memory of what it could be. you just want a 19th-century romance with a woman in a field.

GOALS:
--acrobalance
--herb garden
--sublet/house-sit cabin
--animate with morgan


You are Eeyore. 


listening to: joanna newsom - kingfisher

good things for today

• hot cuppa tea
• popcorn with yeast and garlic salt
• writing letters
• tearing paper
• dandelions
• baby bowl before bed
• not looking at the computer
• not giving a fuck

NEW PLANS:

--run away with morgan and be secret princesses in caves

--find some awesome artist who needs a personal assistant

--move into a roadside attraction
--don't worry about any of these fuckhead fakeys
--don't bother talking to anyone who doesn't bother talking to you
--cultivate ugliness
--every letter a suicide note

--cut it out
--love the cut

critic
manager
music videos


learn drums
make zines
learn to write
herbs
acrobalance

join intnetional community
publishing internahip
animal rescue
artist residency
filmmaker in new zealand


rex will be great forever just doibg what he does. what do i NEED to do?

in 2010, i graduated from college and learned how to use a manual can opener.

in 2011, i will start reading my dad's book, stop smoking, drink less, write more, read more, FINISH MY FILM, organize my papers, start doing yoga, learn about nutrition, become a witch, and move out of my parents' house.

gotta keep it kind

the peal open mic last night made me wish i was writing again, or that i could write at all.
right now i'm brewing chinese tea given to me by my new friend, qi. she's says it's green tea infused with jasmine. i followed her directions perfectly but i still feel like i've done something wrong. i probably wasn't supposed to stir it. i was probably supposed to let it steep untouched for half an hour, while singing it a lullaby. this inspires me: i would like to read a book about tea.
yesterday my legs stopped being so sore from yoga on monday, and i could flex and stretch them and start to feel muscle. i was so excited i kept kicking my legs around last night and telling morgan and renee how strong i want them to be. so strong!
i planned to finally get my passport today but apparently they're not open. i'm a fuckup.
(actually this tea is really sweet and soothing and good. maybe it will fix my cramps.)
i plan to do laundry, refill my pills, dye my hair, appeal a parking ticket, write a letter, go out to dinner with morgan, wear a mustache, and dance the night a'gay. oh yes, and write this fucking paper.

listening to: thao with the get down stay down - know better learn faster

i could not embrace the day

THE THERMALS ARE COMING TO MEMPHIS!!!
perfect timing, it's only a few days after i get out of school. a great way to start the summer! this summer will be very busy, of course, again. i will be shooting/editing concrete (yes, still), attending the radical queer convergence in chicago, and there's some talk of SV going on tour, but i dont know if that's still happening. i have been looking at the idapalooza website and getting lovesick for it, but i might be too busy to go... i will have to wait and see what the lineup is, because what if it is too good to miss? then again, there is SO much to do, especially with the movie.... and we really need to get as much done this summer as we can. or else, we will never finish.

this week was one of those ones where you are never sure what day it is, even when the day is half-over. i kept getting confused about which classes i had next, and i would be walking somewhere and not remembering where i was going. maybe i can blame these feelings on the very large bump i took to the head on saturday night, but i don't really feel like placing blame there, it is bad enough already.
it was one of those weeks where each night, you go to bed miserable, realizing you will only get three to five hours of sleep, knowing you will never catch up, and wondering where you went wrong. everything is in a hazy daze and it's all that you can do to even realize that you are tired, because you're just so busy. there is always somewhere to be, something to read or write, something else to be thinking about next. on wednesday someone gave me the advice to "slow down and take some time for yourself" to which i responded "I WILL IF I HAVE TIME!" i usually try to chill out for a little while after dinner but then i end up getting mad at myself for not working, and not finishing what i have to do.
this was one of those weeks where you don't finish any of the things you are supposed to be doing, despite all the planning and time-budgeting and trying to do everything right... nothing goes right. when you finally try to talk to people, thinking you have time for meaningful conversation, you give out bad advice. the conversation you've been needing to have for weeks spirals out of control, leaving you depressed, frustrated, and ultimately too tired to do your homework. i had a take-home exam due on monday that i didn't turn in until wednesday... my professor was so nice, he didn't take off any points for it being late, which is so amazingly lucky. i hope i did a good job on it so that he doesnt feel like it was undeserved. then i had a paper due on friday which i really didn't mean to put off until the night before, but somehow that happened, and i thought it would be easy to do, but everything got away from me, and i ended up writing a really stupid email to my professor at 4:30 in the morning explaining why i couldn't turn the paper in that day. no good reasons, of course.
it was a week for fighting and making up. for unsteadiness and unsureness how to ask for help. for sickness and possible roads to recovery. for conversations left incomplete, and the fear of pressing forward. was i ever able to communicate? it doesn't seem that way. maybe part of the problem is that all these things are going on, leaving me unable to really process what i'm thinking, so when i try to talk, my thoughts are jumbled and i don't know how to get where i need to go. does this change? am i stuck this way forever?
i think i'm gonna clean my room. this seems like a step in the right direction. or maybe i will take a nap.

listening to: hope for agoldensummer - midwest

"All right, people, let's go somewhere else." Ironic that he even calls us "people" because the way he says it, he obviously doesn't believe that his words are intended for actual "people." We are never "people." We don't ask so much. Every morning Coach Fucking Brooks wants us to "move along" speaking generically into the air and onto the heads a foot or so below his level. Hey Coach, what's wrong with us right here? Are we in somebody's way? Sure, we are standing by some lockers but we are ready and willing to scoot over if some kid needs his books. Where are we supposed to go? Is there a designated spot in this huge school that we don't know about where we're allowed to see our friends before homeroom? Shouldn't it be okay to just be us for a few minutes before we slide back into the daily grind, just to have this one moment? Each of us could walk to our various homerooms in thirty seconds or less. We've been to our lockers. We've got no particular place to be. So Coach Brooks, where the fuck are we SUPPOSED to be? I don't want to be listening to the gory little details of my locker partner's Floridian spring break and I know she won't ask me about mine once she is fucking done, two minutes before the bell rings. Hey I can't see my friends after school. They're busy at Bridge Builders and Mock Trial and Model UN meetings. Plus, we were working so hard on AP applications a week ago, and with all these projects and essays on the weekends... No, these are "people" who don't have time for me outside school. But remember, this is White Station! We are too busy with Extra-Curricular Activities and racking up the Service Hours to have friends! Much less, TALK to them! Heaven forbid, what if we actually got to SEE them sometimes? Oh no, what if we fell that far off our Spartanian horses? What if that happened? We wouldn't get into the right colleges, and we would lead terrible, poor lives! Lives of LOVE, not MONEY!! Because "people" are money, school is money, SUCCESS is money! And didn't you know? Success is power. Success is me in a suit. Success is my husband coming home from a hard day at the office to his loving wife and kids, and a great from-scratch Southern meal. I will be successful!! Fuck yr Princeton! Give me community!!! But look at these "people," they are beautiful individuals. We are writers and artists and we're going to make movies together. We're going to get married and move to California. FUCK YOU, COACH! YOU CAN'T COME!

i'd forgotten how much that means to me. how it cheered up my whole day. movies.... a little silly but it's something for me to love, something that we all connect with, put our positive energy into. with camera in hand i don't have to go to college. i can live in memphis forever -- the next digital savvy generation. i will sleep on these couches. i will exist in this office. i will survive in this theatre. imagine me editting away in that exact chair. me borrowing their tripods. (no, i will be loaning MINE to fresh-faced kids with dreams and dreams and dreams like MINE.) me popping organic popcorn, living on jelly beans, putting money into this thing i believe in so entirely that i will give up some luxuries for my cause. who needs TV and commercial cinema when there are indepedent films to be had? to be created? i would give up some baths if i could take part in making something beautiful. i'm on the road, i've already given up a meal or two just to enjoy their company. so why am i even considering making next year hell? you actually want me to give up my time to things i don't care about, even if it means missing their tuesday night workshops again? it will make my life hell and i will have no room to be free.

in 3 years
3 months
and 3 days
the date will be 666
by then
where will i be?
i want to be living with her
in California
Anaheim, San Francisco, LA
perusing gender studies
attending photography
cinematography classes
the girls who were never good at anything
finally fly on waves of film
we will flash a new light on our lives
and capture beauty in tiny darkrooms
we will make the world through a lens make sense
we will be looking at a big sky through the camera's eye
me and you