humiliation was imminent

so, morgan and i decided a few days ago that we had to see the decemberists at their show in asheville. it was sorta last minute, so they weren't the *best* seats in the house, but they were pretty good, considering. yes, they played a huge auditorium, complete with balcony and all. i was very stressed out about getting to the theatre on time. i worked until about 6 and then sat in gladfelter till about 6:40 when i realized what time it was and rushed over the bridge, and morgan and eva asked if we could go by malaprops beforehand and i said "i guess so we have to leave RIGHT NOW" and off we ran. well of course there were still people arriving all throughout the first band's set and even afterwards. the opening act was laura viers and the hall of flames who i began to enjoy more and more as they played more songs. not the most spectacular lyrics, but some of her images were interesting. it was interesting to see a 5-piece band that sounded so minimal. a large part of it was the absence of drums.. they did have one floor tom that they played occasionally. it was just interesting for so many people to have such a minimal, simple sound. it was nice... but very calming, and not a great preparation for the decemberists' set, if you ask me. there was something like a 15 minute break after laura viers, and finally finally the lights dimmed and the decemberists took the stage. they played "the hazards of love" from start to finish, with guest vocalists becky stark from lavendar diamond, as margaret, and shara worden from my brightest diamond as the forest queen. i thought their microphones were too quiet, or that the guitars were too loud, or something, because i couldn't hear them as well as i would've liked. still, i could tell that becky's voice is much stronger than the album would have me believe. (morgan tells me that in her own band, she sings big. i'm not sure why they made that choice on the decemberists album... could it be because she is a frail little woman, the lover rather than the protagonist? ugh.) her voice is beautiful, but her dancing is... not. it almost looked like shara was teaching her to dance at some points. both of them had very stylized sort of moves, to get them from the back of the stage to the front, and highly theatrical poses during their singing parts. becky as margaret just wilted all over the place, her hands in poses of submission, totally helpless and frail. shara, on the other hand, was intense, punchy and low and angular, and soooooo much fun to watch. i definitely want to look into her other music now. although both of their moves seemed pretty planned out, becky seemed a lot more stiff and self-conscious than shara. i would have thought that after being on tour with them for so long, she would have gotten into the part a little more. but, of course, the whole thing was just beautiful, but the story still confuses me.. i mean, i get the basic plot structure, but i have a hard time following the transitions and understanding exactly what is going on at any given moment. and the climax.. i just don't understand at all. so then there was another 15 minute break before their second set! this was quite exciting. colin informed us that they had crafted the setlist specifically for asheville: all their 'country' songs. "but it turns out we're not a country band" and they were apparently surprised by how few country songs they had. the songs were not all my favorites, but there were some real gems in there. so the set: Angel, Won't You Call Me?; Leslie Anne Levine; Crane Wife 3; Down By the Water; Shankhill Butchers; Chimbley Sweep; Dracula's Daughter; O Valencia; Crazy on You.
Down By The Water is a new song featuring colin on harmonica, and that was lots of fun. Chimbley Sweep was completely ridiculous and got totally silly about halfway through. during the bridge, colin wandered out into the audience and climbed on the seats and was deposited back onto the stage, only to pretend/attempt to play his guitar with his teeth. he said he'd never tried that before, but i don't know if i believe it. then the other guitarist was trying it too, but they couldn't do it at all. finally colin said "i bet you're starting to wonder 'how much did i pay for that ticket after all?'" and i was too. but the madness didn't end there.. colin continued to wander around the stage, trying his hand at drums, and then accordion. everyone was switching instruments, and jumping around, and it was quite silly, but went on just a little too long. colin seemed to be taking advantage of the audience by just doing whatever he pleased, whether or not we liked it -- we were sort of stuck there, after all. so finally they went and played the rest of the song... and then what colin called the worst song he had ever written: Dracula's Daughter. proceeded by a ridiculously long story about how after he wrote it, he was crushed by his own paper, his feather pen floated to the floor, the candles were snuffed out, and god shed a single tear, leading to the creation of the nile river and the pyramids?? i'm telling you, it was just silly! HOWEVER the band quickly redeemed itself with O Valencia... morgan and i stood up to dance. then, the diamond ladies came back out to sing a cover of CRAZY ON YOU and it was AMAZING why was it so amazing i dont know. that song really shouldnt be as great as it is.. i'm gonna download a heart album, dont tell. well, we didnt even have to clap and stamp our feet for too long before colin and john, the giraffe drummer, came back out to sing the newish Raincoat Song, which i remember liking quite a bit, but you know... by this point it was pretty obvious that things were winding down. it was like a lullaby, and i thought they might end there. however, they did not. the rest of the band (and the diamonds) came back out to sing Sons and Daughters for their last song, of course. colin finally gave us a bit of audience participation and told us to keep singing out into the streets and into our beds whether or not it annoyed our roommates. however, asheville hipsters suck at audience participation, and it was the most pathetic thing ever. colin kept having to yell things like, "sing from your chest!" and blah. that was lame... but the show was still great.
johanna was sitting two rows behind us, and she needed a ride home, so i gave her one. on the way to the car, the wind blew morgan's dress all the way up, and she squealed and laughed about it all the way home. we dropped johanna off at the village, but the party there looked dead. back in dorland, we opened a big bottle of pinot noir and watched some videos before morgan and eva had to go to sleep. i took the wine and called renee, and she and i decided to traipse around campus for a bit. we went to the ballfields to find the 90s party, but julie told us she had shut it down because they didn't have a party contract... lame. then we sat outside of schafer and talked to carrie for a while. she was on a queer debutante ball/coming out stories kick, and it transferred to renee and i after she went to bed. eventually we got cold and went to my room to piss and find jackets and more wine. we wanted to smoke so we ended up at... the sunderland smoking hut. this kid elliot was there and renee knows him so we sat down for a while. he is in my film class and we got into a big discussion about breathless and just about movies in general. his friend emma, it turned out, had also been at the show, so we talked about that too. a girl came outside who had apparently had alcohol poisoning that night. her RA had called 911, she was taken away in an ambulance, and had to piss in a cup at a gas station, which she did, but escaped through the back door, and hitched a ride back to school. she had been hiding out in the smoking hut ever since but seemed to be sort of freaking out and thinking about dropping out of school. i met a girl named hannah from atlanta who wanted to know about memphis, and a kid named taylor who was responsible for the miserable movie night on thursday and was generally obnoxious, and a weird guy drinking from a flask who was talking about running over deer. there was a quiet kid who should have stuck around. my shining moments of the evening were 1) spotting a possum that no one would have seen (or been able to identify, apparently) if not for my quick eye and 2) reading (almost perfectly) "spring" by gerard manley hopkins from the ancient, damp norton anthology that i had mistaken for a bible but started drooling over when i opened it to a page of browning.
somehow i stayed out there till 5am, i dont understand at all. did i make any friends? we'll see.
today i slept and slept through all the rain, and had that miserable dream (detailed below). i have not gone outside, i have not left my room. tonight is the lord of the rings/arts and crafts party in laura miess's room. should be exciting! renee says she will help make art for my room, since my walls are so devastatingly blank. there's a superhero dance party in my dorm, so i'll probably go for a little while. i have a feeling there were a lot of things i was planning to do today. however, i have forgotten them all and i don't feel like looking at my list to find out what they were just yet. instead i will make some tea and listen to songs.


listening to: rasputina - cage in a cave

you can hear the whole world whispering

so me and christian made the 11 hour trek to chicago and yes, we even made it back to the mountains. i have no words right now for how it feels to be back... i'm very confused. grateful for the trees and the birds and the SPRING but not the stress and tension. well i guess those were words, but i dont think it really counts.
i dont feel like talking about chicago right now. ask me later, if you care.
MEANWHILE today was the first day back at school. waking up at 8am sucked mightily, but i made it out of bed and got to work TWO MINUTES EARLY. [applause] well folks i checked my mid-term grades and they're not too shabby... various forms of the Ace and a B for Bradshaw, but thats beautiful because of my bumbling bastardization of a research paper. so now i feel like i'm allowed to be a little more relaxed about school, just knowing that i probably dont have to destroy/depress myself when things will be fine. i forgot that that is sort of how school works. ha! seems like years since i have remembered this fact. who keeps these sorts of secrets? after vics, it's lunchtime but i got to avoid gladfelter thanks to a leftover half subway sandwich from the road. hallelujah! i never felt so free. i walked in circles, even! i scrapped my usual beeline to the food trough and stumbled nonlinearly through the formal gardens and behind some unfamiliar buildings till i found a lone red backpack, full of water-logged papers. i could use this kind of company, and the view was good, so i made my spot. immediately i notice, as anyone must when sitting in the grass, that the whole ground is moving, and blades of grass flick up and down with the weight of sturdy black ants. do people talk about 'an army of ants'? i feel like this is a phrase i've heard, but it's not very accurate (well, maybe for fire ants), because the buggers are just all every whichaway and scrambling here and there with no real sense of unity except for FOOD. which is what i had, and there seemed to be more and more of them as my picnic went on. but i thought it was just wonderful, because bugs are just such joyful company, although i dont think they really thought the same of me. i did try to reach out a friendly hand, but the reaction was never good. i suppose it's a helpful lesson for me, to be reminded of my true size and also that they feared me and my power, despite my good intentions. i think these are good things to remember. in any case, i gave them a bit of onion and lettuce and watched them haul it about, to my great delight. maybe people wouldnt complain so much about ants ruining the picnic if they would just learn to share a little... it's really great entertainment, seeing how a tiny ant can tear apart huge chunks of food and lift, what, twenty times its own weight? incredible! so i sat and ate my sandwich and watched the ants carrying parts of it away and let the springy breeze wash me over. ohhh the spring! it always makes me feel so completely renewed, to the point of cliche. and today i just sat on the top of this little hill of brush and i couldn't hear anything but birds and mountain sounds, and a far-off drum circle which i will attribute to the theatre department. and a sudden click-click-click-click made me look up and i thought something was gonna explode and kill me, but it was just a woodpecker, and i really wished i had my camera to shoot him perfectly framed between two powerlines, and the sun spitting somewhere through the clouds, and i can hardly stand to look up out there but i have to, because of the birds! every movement in the grass and the trees and the brush is fluid and sudden and i'm hyperaware until a FUCKING BUMBLE BEE comes at me out of NOWHERE, literally flying straight for my eyeball, and me literally squealing and falling over onto the grass with my sandwich. WHAT are you thinking, bumble bee, why dont you bumble over there? but then i remembered that i can make a good bug friend, and the bumblebee doesnt want to hurt me at all, and just wants to say hello. okay, hello, you can come back now. so he comes back and my sandwich is pretty much done so i leave the limp tomato on the ground and follow the bee to an odd little non-path that goes down the hill through the brush and i can see a butterfly flitting over an abandoned well just up ahead. well, of course, i have to take this walk, but when i move, i scare a feral cat, and she runs outta there pretty quick. definitely a black cat in my path, is this an omen? i'm sorry i scared you, kitty. good luck in the woods. two oddities: some forgotten "tree gear" hanging off a branch and nearly drowned on the forest floor AND a beautiful black-striped rock sitting on a rubbermaid barrel like an altar. so this little non-path lead down the hill to a real trail, and i have to walk along this for a few minutes, with the bee trying to bumble into me the whole time. what the hell are you thinking?! along the path, there's all these strange rock structures whose purpose is sort of lost on me... i need to research this. to me, they look like shrines or cradles, and i want to crawl in even though i am not rock people. maybe one day i'll go take a nap there, at least, and see what i can see. the float and the flutter calls me OUT and everywhere but i realize that it's 1pm and i am officially late for class. i followed the path back, i picked up my paper and plastics, i went back to the buildings. i had to stop on the way to take a picture of a beautiful dead bird with my fucking camera phone. was that disrespectful? i have to think about it.

i am a werewolf

ahhh, another day.
soooo this weekend was the memphis trip, which we had been soooo looking forward to for so very long. i'm not sure if i'd call it anticlimactic.... it was definitely worth the trip. friday night was gonerfest where we (me, brandon, leroy, rachel, bonnie, ALICE, LAYLEE, etc) mostly sat in some bushes outside and drank malt liquor, i.e. SPARKS. this was the time of my downfall.... i've been sick for a while now and rather than going allll the way inside and waiting in line to blow my nose, i just used some leaves. naturally. i do this all the time. however, by the end of the night, i had little black marks on my face and arm, although i didnt notice them until saturday morning.
at any rate.... the bands were great, although, of course, Mr. Airplane Man blew everybody else out of the water. it was amazing!! brandon and i were basically the only dancers in the building, which was disappointing, but not at all shocking for the memphis hipster crowd. it's rather unfortunate how prudish we memphians can be... luckily i'm doing everything i can to break the mold. ho ho ho. after their set, i hung out with mfox and saki behind a newspaper until our eyeballs fell out. i was then dragged to the car because apparently rachel was passing out on the pavement and was really ready to go. i was still ready to run around, but apparently i was the only one. apparently i was the only one who thinks 2am is not that late. back at my house, my darling girls laylee and alice stayed with me until 4am, letting me rant and rave and rip my head off. what angels! i don't know what i would have done without them. so they left and i crawled into bed with my beautiful sister, who, a mere 3 hours later, opened her big, beautiful eyes and asked me, "why are you sad?" so of course i woke up. and you know, i cant generally go back to sleep after being awoken... so morgan and i made our rounds through the other rooms of sleeping kids and made sure we weren't alone in consciousness. perhaps we'll never be forgiven, but do you really think we'd care? ha! leroy and bonnie made a beautiful breakfast that was supposed to be hashbrowns, but ended up as mushy potatoes and veggies. it was still delicious, if you ask me. so we spent an unfortunate amount of time lounging around my house... not that i REALLY minded, but looking back, we probably should have caused some ruckus. although i got some great quality time with my kitty. we took naps in the early afternoon to combat our three/four/five-hour nights, and i helped morgan create the perfect pirate costume for a cowboys and indians ice cream social. she even had a sword! but the little hussy ran off with my bandana... grrr. i had just acquired that one, too. ah well, i suppose all things must pass. we eventually got out of that cave of a house, and wandered around cooper young for a few hours. traditional stops for records at goner, feast of eyes at house of mews, and deliciousness at young avenue deli... although since the neighborhood has been attracting more yuppies, they've raised their prices, and i don't like it one bit. the fries aren't as good these days either! it's almost not worth it but.... ohhhhh the cheesy sticks. yes yes yes. at this point we split up: the nola crew went off to fill a southaven fridge with warm beer, and the ALA girls headed downtown to create some mischief. i think i acquired about $100 worth of clothes, all soft and colorful and cottony. i'm pretty proud. then we all met back up again to go to theatreworks for Birth, a play which is trying to raise awareness about maternity care in the states. it was pretty great, and i'm so glad that we all got to go. especially the reduced prices for all seven of us! it is awesome to be in the our own voice family... theatreworks always feels like coming home.
after the play, we were supposed to hang out with lauren h, but she was nowhere to be found! sad the way that always seems to go... instead, we sat around on my kitchen floor and ate tomato soup and sunset pizza from camy's. by now it was almost 1am and the kids were starting to crash. brandon and i tried to rouse everyone for a late-night trip to peabody park, as is custom, but nobody was down. we walked alice and laylee out to the car, and by the time we made it back inside, everybody was.... indisposed. it was rather unfortunate. we convinced bonnie and leroy to give us a LITTLE shared bed time, but soon we were kicked out. it was weird to be kicked out of that whole side of the house... i don't think i've ever run across the predicament before. so brandon and i watched "return to oz" and looked up perversion on the internet. it was great times... as you can imagine.
the next morning, i woke up with a puffy, red face that mom swore was hives. leroy insisted that it was poison ivy, like whatever he had on his leg and arms. i used his zanfel medicine, but to no avail. i took some benadryl and passed out while morgan, leroy, and bonnie were cooking. everybody paraded in and out of my room like a tv show. i vaguely remember hugging rachel goodbye, morgan trying to coax me up with biscuit dough, etc. but mostly i remember my wonderful mama sitting with me, rubbing my back, and soothingly asking if i wanted to transfer colleges. it was certainly a weekend to be babied, and i gobbled it all up. unfortunately, now i'm back in new orleans, totally lonely and motherless again. i really do like to have someone taking care of me... my big memphis support group of friends is so perfect for that. even the reduced version that i had over the weekend was perfect. i can't figure out what's so different down here, but i just don't have the same sense of safety and love that i do when i'm in my hometown. i don't think new orleans is really that much scarier than memphis.... but i guess my neighborhood here is pretty bad. and my friends down here are all fucking nuts. i just want cuddles and hugs and someone that knows when i'm hurt and what the fuck i'm talking about. i need more women in my life. i need cat energy. i need a pile of pillows to pet on. i need tea parties and bubble baths and girls nights. this is a situation that i'm going to start working on asap. yeesh.

so my face is still all puffy and horrible. i went to the doctor before i realized that it was probably the nose-blowing leaves that did it... geeehhh. i have been taking medicine as if it was a bacterial infection, but i think i'll go back to the doctor on thursday to get checked out again. i've been sick for way too long!!! this is getting old!!! i need to be surrounded by less smoke, that will probably help my throat. geez.
tonight hilary is supposed to come over for a hair night with me and py! it should be great. as long as i can still manage to wake up for my 8:30 class, it's all good. we have pink and purple dye, and no regard for humanity dignity!
now i should go read "demian" for my short fiction class. i'm enjoying it so far and i can only expect that it will get better! plus there's a quiz tomorrow.. yipe.

everything that's breathing is also busying dying

so i was intending to post once i had some pictures and/or video to include with the text.... but yeah, it's not happening and you'll just have to wait.
what can i say? school's been back in session for a few weeks now... it's actually going okay. this is largely due to the fact that i changed my major back to english lit on the second day of classes. ha! take that, science, i could not stomach thee. my schedule looks like this:
MWF 10:30-11:20 Honors Biblical Literature
MWF 11:30-12:20 Modern Short Fiction
MWF 1:30-??? working at the library
W 8:30-10:10am Video Writing and Directing
TR 2-3:15 World Theatre II
TR 3:30-4:45 Intro to Creative Writing
and i generally work on tuesday and thursday morning as well. i got a raise! $7/hr baybee oh yeahhhhh. freaking rolling in it!!
and where does the money go, you ask?
well, this past week most of it went to drugs. i have been sick with bronchitis and it is awful. rite aid has my paycheck. other than that.. we buy a few groceries (the ones we don't glean in other ways), some toilet paper, and a good bit of beer. at least two people are drunk in the house every day. are we wasting away? perhaps. are we loving it? sometimes. are we considering another path? not really. so far everything is going as well as it could, i suppose.
realize i say this about a home that is haunted, filled with drama, and loaded with tension i could eat with a whole loaf of bread. it is ridiculous. on saturday, py confronted mal in the only way he knows how:
"so when are you moving out?"
yikes. he doesnt know her like the rest of us... yes, she has made a lot of promises she hasnt kept. she says this time is different. and yes, she's said that a thousand times before. but now she's got AA meetings every night and drug testing once a week starting in october. i just hate that we didnt have a real house meeting, and come to a decision TOGETHER rather than just sort of poking around and being rude and giving the poor girl a week to move out.... but the drugs, the monetary choices, the disappearances of stuff within our own home.. these things never stopped, even when we saw her improving. so i dont know, this is what it's come to. i can't say i'm thrilled but honestly i dont know what to say at all.
i dont even want to get into the sex drama. all i can say is that it's no fun to be sitting there bored when you are pretty positive that whoever is having sex in the room next door. especially when you have been looking forward to seeing this person for months and then they just come over to fuck your roommate, apparently. am i wrong here, or does that suck a little? either way, i recognize that this is my jealous, possessive side coming out... and oh, how it comes out. it chooses the worst ways, at the worst times, sneaking up on me when i'm drunk and too angry to put my courtesy filter on. well, fucking woops. i dont regret a whole lot of things.... i guess it sort of sucks that i stood in the middle hall room in the middle of our house and yelled about how i hate plastic, jesus, electricity, the whole modern world, the whole house and everyone in it. but i was depressed and it was all true. what can i say? it's weird to apologize for things that are still true, even if the timing and the delivery were inappropriate. not that i REALLY hate everyone in the whole house... although i definitely felt like it at the time. and that was what was important. i dont like containing anger. but like i said, i dont want to get into the rest of the house drama. there's so much and it probably shouldnt all go on the internet anyway. i'll try to keep you vaguely updated anyhow....
so leroy is taking mallory's room. he and his boondock will be staying with us until at least january, which will be fun because maybe everyone will stop accusing ME of being the craziest person in the house, and also just because i love leroy. i am looking forward to lots of free meals, free drinks, and goofy adventurings. however, leaving with mallory are her weezy dog and lucie cat and the rest of the female energy of the house. i will be a lone she-wolf. loucifur will luckily provide me with some fellow cat spirits, but even then, he's a little bastard. as was determined the other day... if lou were 6 feet tall, he would rule the whole freaking world. maybe i'm wrong but i dont think i could say that about most cats. perhaps because lou would be a tyrant and a master of surprise attacks from overhead. the point is: i'm thinking again about getting a kitten. i know i know i can't help it. but is it a good idea? i can't tell. i want a lady kitty friend, at any rate. and i haven't found any elsewhere yet.
however, i have made a few new friends so far this year. wonders! new friends make me happier than almost anything. i dont want to speak too soon so i'll give some better details later.
today has been rainy. i left home right after brandon got back from BR, a city i have been trying to avoid at all possible costs (but i end up going for the good shows). drove to school as i've been doing.. it's sort of nice although i end up bumping a lot of parked cars. shhhh! py constantly teases me about my driving skills, which i suppose are somewhat stuck in the mud, rather than improving... but speaking of BR, i drove from there to NOLA for the first time last weekend! and i didnt fuck up at all (although py would tell you differently, dont listen to him because he was wasted and doesnt remember anything) and we made it down in one safe piece. i was a kickass designated driver for my little drunken men.
point: it's not raining anymore. i was slightly late for bible class, despite my timely driving. i always goof around in the bathroom and forget that class is starting. woops! i thought i was going to really hate that class, but it's turned out to be freaking awesome. my professor basically tells us that everything we learned in sunday school is a load of bull and we talk about the real origins and meanings of old testament stories. he's hilarious and i especially love it when he talks about how stupid fundamentalists are. it is awesome. then i went to modern short fiction where i get to sit next to my friend david who makes me giggle all day. today we were discussing colette's "gigi" and about the sexuality of foods like asparagus and lobster. it was pointless but i took more notes in class today than i have all semester. usually i just write "FREUD" because that is all that our teacher talks about and it sucks so usually i read or write something else. being in a writing class has been really fun, just to get into the habit of writing again. plus my professor is awesome. so yeah, basically i've got a good bunch of classes this semester... i might go so far as to say this has been the best semester i've had yet! but perhaps i shouldn't speak so soon... midterms are coming up, after all. yipe.
but i don't care because i'm going to memphis this weekend!! look out, i'm coming home and i'm bringing my nutty friends with me! we are coming up on friday to see Mr. Airplane Man at gonerfest and i'm so freaking excited. we have seen a lot of great shows recently, it has been really awesome. last weekend we saw Witch Hunt at a house show in BR. brandon got their record, and i got a patch and a book about new orleans. even though i damaged my right ankle somewhat early in the evening, i still managed to dance on one foot and have a kickass time. and that ankle is all better now, although apparently this weekend i destroyed my left big toe and surrounding area.... doing god knows what. i just woke up with it all mangled. i'm hoping that it will just figure itself out and heal somewhat like the rest of my feet wounds always do. i have been realizing how freaking weird my feet look because of all the times i've fucked them up and just sort of let them figure out how to let me walk on them again. oh well.
i keep getting off track. the real point to all this is that py and i have been volunteering for the past couple weekends at the green project, where they've started doing a matinee show every saturday. this past weekend, we cooked the 'free vegan food' which they advertise for every show, and we got lots of compliments. py's soupy shitasaurus was a smashing success, of course. that stuff is delicious! vegan slop is really growing on me. mmmmmmm... py got free goodies from the band because his food was so good! lucky bastard. we danced our asses off and had a great time, despite the lackluster crowd.... hilary, py, and i made up for it with our energy and enthusiasm. the bands were all amazing! i havent been to such an all around good show in a really long time. first, an acoustic band called the Let Down played while we sat at their feet. the two ladies had beautiful voices and played guitar, although one also sometimes played a musical saw. a boy with funny hair also played guitar. their songs were about being alcoholic and in love and they were wonderful. then, Fake Problems went on a few minutes later. leroy and i had just finished pre-gaming outside and as we were walking in during the second song, i said to him "i hope EVERYBODY's DANCING!" and of course no one was. so py and i took that shit up a notch. or four. they sang country folk punk rock songs about capitalism. it was also awesome, and they gave py a free 7inch. then Parsley Flakes played. they wore silly clothes and sang songs about "zapatistas and white people," among other things. we danced like fools! then their amp started smoking 2 songs before the end of the set. it was intense.. but also hilarious and ridiculous. it was an amazing show and an amazing weekend... except for all the drama, of course, but i suppose that sometimes it can't be helped, and so it must be ignored. i'm getting better at this.
i forget if there were other things i meant to say, but if there were, i should save them for another day. this has gotten rather long, and i congratulate you if you made it this far. perhaps i will see you again soon.

updates

--i got my motherfucking driver license two weeks ago.
--i am single for the first time since 2004. so far, i feel surprisingly good.
--on thursday, i am moving into my first apartment, on jackson avenue in new orleans. i will be living with brandon, mallory, and py. (obviously, this is an arrangement of lunacy.... i suppose it's a long story, not meant for tonight.)
--i am a liar, a coward, and a thief. and many other things.
--i need more confidence.
--i start school in slightly less than a week and i'm scared as hell.
--as excited as i am about living in new orleans, i'm sort of terrified to go back. the place is a black hole.
--i work minimum wage. however, my parents still pay for stuff like school, insurance, etc. they are awesome.
--i have not paid for a haircut since december 2005, and it is amazing. some weeks i feel like getting it cut every day, and i talk somebody into doing it! the stuff's also sort of run together with three or four different colors, i'd say.
--i love cats and cat folk... but i'm pretty friendly to dogs as well.
--in general, i hate most and love few. wow, though, those ones are so great. it is astounding.
-katherine and i have spent the summer working on a film, which is finally coming into true fruition. so many amazing people have donated their time and talents, we are so lucky to know them all.
--trying to be two places at once is impossible, but missing one causes so much strife and disrupts all the balance. does this make any sense? katherine gets it.
--i want to make music in a shanty chant.
--tomorrow i have an appointment with a man who is going to up the dosage of my antidepressants. how strange to ask for something that i don't even want.
--"happiness is the most insidious prison of all." i think i believe that statement. (a quote from v for vendetta)
--cancer is terrifying. sickness is everywhere.
--death still seems like the best option most times.
--blogging is extremely hard these days. sometimes i start posts and never finish them... but i feel like communicating with the vast expanses. despite all the past run-ins i've had with its hidden dangers.... even the most recent one. but! i feel like dealing big right now. take it!
--this is the beginning of a new time.

listening to: garbage - wicked ways

take your aim, hit your mark

yet again, i apologize for not blogging in so long. more than a week. geez. i wonder why i try. this week was okay, i guess? monday was valentine's day and therapy. after school on tuesday, margaret, brock, and i hung out at the vintage mcdonald's and marquette park. on wednesday brock and i had chai at starbucks. thursday was solely dedicated to making an interrobang video with katherine, brock, and brett; i didn't get started on my homework until really late, and after a call from william, i gave up. friday, our video didn't even get shown. after school, a strange group consisting of me, brock, brett, LA, john r, and elise (?) went to get hawaian shaved ice and spent forever doing nothing in the parking lot. the core four took a mini road trip to rossville. not exactly houston, but it was good times. we walked around a bit before breaking into this abandoned building that was at one point a school, then something like storage for a bunch of bikes and motorcycles. the most recent stuff in there were all these huge garbage bags filled with crushed soda cans. we found a lot of really cool shit, and everybody brought a little something home. i snagged a little box thing and a very cool motorcycle helmet. we got some records, letters, photos, signs, etc. we walked down a little nature trail by the wolf river until it got dark. we wanted to eat dinner at the wolf river cafe but the whole damn town was there, and we would've had to wait an hour to eat, and we didn't really have enough money. we drove a little bit out of the town and lay on a sleeping back looking at stars. my mom called and told me that she was with our cat grandpa at the vet. he'd had a liver failure and had, apparently for a while now, some kind of kidney cancer. it was so surprising, so sudden. he was such a sweet cat, huge, and with the loudest purr i've ever heard. perfect for us when we were in third grade, and carried him around in ways no other cat would allow. brittany, morgan, and i loved him because he would run to us when we snapped our fingers (brittany named him Snapper). when we found him, i secretly hoped he was pregnant. the cat we were never supposed to own. we felt sorry for him because his family moved away and didn't take him with them. we started feeding him, took him into our home in the winter, moved to this house with him. morgan and i attributed his laziness (he would recline on the kitchen floor, and pull little food bits out of his bowl onto the floor next to his mouth, and basically inhale them) to his late night adventures. who knows what went on in house basements, in bushes, under the light of streetlamps? he'd take his time coming home, and sit on the window sill meowing until someone opened the door and fed him. he had this look that he was constantly bored, above all of us, but humored us all the same. he was a fox. he got high on catnip and didn't come down from the top of the kitty condo for hours. mom says he was younger than i had calculated... only 9 or 10, although it's all speculative. there's no one who disliked that cat. i hope his life with us was happy. i hope he wasn't angry with us for not noticing his pain or for putting him to sleep on friday night. our other cat has barely left my side since then. she's fairly perceptive, and i think she knew immediately that grandpa was not going to come home. now she doesn't have a bathing buddy or a friend to venture out onto the backyard with. i hadn't really seen much of him lately, but now that i think about it, he hadn't been very active. i wonder if something could've happened differently if we'd noticed sooner. not that we could have afforded it. but maybe he preferred it this way, staying at home with his family until the end.
i debated going home after mom called me, but there was nothing i could really do there except be sad. so i tried not to think about it too much while we ate dinner at popeye's and then watched ferngully at LA's house. we had a short and disconnected conversation about philosophy. LA drove me home around 11:30. i went straight to bed. i woke up on saturday around 10 with my cat at the foot of the bed. mom and i spent a little while talking on the couch. i love my mom. we are very similar. she took me and lauren to see bad education, where brock also met us. it was a great movie and i recommend that you go out to see it if you get a chance. morgan fox had been in the theatre and we said hello briefly. he's a really nice man. we should take "much finer" to him soon, i think. mom drove lauren home, and we stopped by raffe's deli to buy some hommus. we tried to rent the motorcycle diaries, as we are both in love with gael garcia however you say it, but it was out at blockbuster. so we came home, ordered camy's pizza, and watched the discreet charm of the bourgeoisie which mom had given too me for valentine's day. it was funny and strange. mom got in bed to read, and, even though it was really early, i accidentally fell asleep next to her. i was woken up when morgan and dad got home from the play, and i was really tired so i went and got in my own bed. after that, it took me a really long time to fall back asleep. i should've taken some nyquil. my cold has been getting unfortunately worse. i guess i fell asleep at some point because i was awoken when my phone started ringing. LA called asking if she and john could come over and borrow a movie. they arrived a few minutes later, and i tried to help them find something. i hope they had a good night with memento, junior, and both bill and ted movies. i went back to bed after they left but stayed awake forever. sunday i woke up before 10 somehow, feeling more sick. made chai for morgan and i, to soothe our throats, and watched the newsies with her and mom. i sat around reading and eating hommus for a while, then took a nap for something like three hours. when i woke up i felt miserable and looked around for something to eat, but to no avail. eventually i had some reheated pizza and a vanilla coke. brock and sallis arrived at the same time to watch adapatation. has anyone seen that? want to talk about it? sallis and brock didn't see it the same way i did. i suck at movies, though. they went home at the same time. morgan and i sat in the kitchen eating thin mints while i heated up a cup of the chai that i made way too much on accident. she and i talked for a really long time into the night. we always get worked up if we talk for too long. we went to bed eventually. i was woken up abrutly, early this morning (before 8 haha) by a thunderstorm. i hate thunder. it really scares me and makes me feel like a little kid. i realized as i woke up a little more than i couldn't really breathe through my nose, and that my ceiling was dripping a little puddle of water. the drip only lasted for a few minutes, thank god, and not for the whole storm. how weird though. i got up and finished reading "the funnies" which is a book brandon gave me for christmas. it was really good. now i can't wait to start the book club!! does anyone have any suggestions for what we start off with? the tentative reading list includes the bell jar, the fountainhead, east of eden, the rainbow, franny and zooey, and brave new world. the members (whoever they turn out to be) will take turns picking the book, and my mom is going to mediate the discussions. i am very very excited. don't fuck up! right now i should probably be doing homework or something.

listening to: cerveris - SPCA

stick it to the m-a-n, man

anyone want to drive to houston to see modest mouse on the three-day weekend? of course you do. now if you WILL, it's another story. ho hum. i tried. had a nice weekend. a lot of at-home time that didn't bother me. i got a lovely knit hat from brittany in the mail. what a great birthday present! it's so soft and nice. friday was a half day. i learned a LOT sitting in the gym while the beauty pageant happened on the other side of the school. puhlease. i can't say enough about how much i hate that bullshit. so brock and i people-watched (trevor, where are you?) until jeff wagner introduced himself to us. after school, sallis, katherine, brett, eileen, lena, and i went to (east) memphis pizza cafe. i love that shit. then sallis, brett, and i had milkshakes at java. mine was cinnamon and, of course, glorious. then sallis took me home and i sat around. brett showed up at our house right before we left for the play. i got a chai at starbucks. mom got coffee so that she could stay awake for the play haha. she didn't even get to see it, though, because she had to run the house and didn't want to come in late. it was fun though, i had a nice time. afterwards no one could decide what to do, so we just danced at theatreworks for a long time. i came home and bumbled. on saturday i had a hummus pita and a grilled cheese for lunch with my lovely mother. in fact, i bumbled quite a lot. at 5:45 brett came over and we bumbled simultaneously. finally we called brock to make him decide what to do. he was about to see finding neverland with alice, so we showed up for that, although we couldn't sit with them because we got there so late. the movie was good although brett and i nearly starved to death. and then, of course, alice and brock had already eaten, so we starved some more. we then drove to theatreworks in the rain and, after (to brett's dismay) some dancing, we got together a group of 11 people and walked over to ihop. when i discovered that over half of our company wasn't going to eat, i ordered THE BIG BASIC to make up for it. despite everything, our waiter was very sweet and patient, and we had a lovely time. then i came home and bumbled. a late night phone call made me happy. today was nothing at all, i've forgotten it. except for spending two hours at the library hanging out with lauren d, my favorite person. we got chais and she checked out some books from the classics section, for fun. it was nice and we didn't even attempt the math project. ho ho ho. nothing else happened. june bug ate my fucking shoe, and chewed up some computer cables so now we only have the internet on one computer. DESPAIR. proving thoughts are cyclic, i've again been thinking about how much i hate fake shit. especially when people pull that stuff. it has just been bothering me more than normal. almost everything seems forced, even most music that i usually like. so mostly i can only listen to pixies and kristin hersh. in an attempt to better my world and yours, i ask you to PLEASE DON'T BE FAKE AROUND ME. for one thing, i can't handle it anymore. it's really trying on my emotions, to be constantly puzzling over what people actually think about me. the past few months have been rough sailing, partly because of that. i don't want to be someone who's super concerned with what people think about me, but i'd like to be certain that my friends like me. when i don't feel like my friends like me, things are not good. if you don't like me, go away. that's something i can deal with on my own. actually i'd rather have no friends than false friends. it's a really sad thing to witness... i guess in a lot of groups there's someone people don't really like, and just keep them around. everybody's too fucking insecure. anyway i know that i'm a really irritating person, so i guess i don't really need that pointed out so much as i need people not to pretend i'm not. if that makes any sense. mm i want community, not selfishness. i just want reality, nothing false anymore. as keats once gushed, "beauty is truth, truth beauty." i used to have a big purple button that said "beauty is truth" but it broke. i loved that pin. i tried to keep the pieces, but i lose everything. ooh i just found an arrowhead in the deep clay dirt of the computer desk. is that lucky?

things

1. new puppy is ADORABLE. she has no name yet, but we're working on it.
2. home at the end of the world is a ridiculously bad film.
3. "five years" by david bowie is the song of the week, and may very well be the best song of all time.
4. i love my sister and her friends.
5. it really sucks that today is amelia's last in memphis.

rejoice

morgan and mom are on their way to pick up our new cairn terrier puppy. hooray!

my dog will always come through

mom and dad just came home from the vet. i haven't really been blogging a lot so i don't know if i mentioned it, but our dog bonnie has been really sick for a good hunk of the summer. she got sick in georgia, while we were in orlando, and got steadily worse ever since. they finally put her to sleep tonight, because she was suffering so much and there were so many things wrong with her. she was such a sweet, noble, beautiful dog, and all will miss her.

listening to: cat stevens - i love my dog

FLEA! FLEE!

mom woke me up by screaming "WE HAVE TO FLEA THE HOUSE!" of course, being my mother, she immediately left and sat down to watch an old movie. over an hour later, she decided it was time to begin. with a sense of urgency, she threw a shower curtain over the computer where i'd continued to talk to brandon on his lunch break. we'd been doing nothing all morning, so we had to finish absolutely everything in 5 minutes. blankets over the tv, air conditioning turned off, refridgerator unplugged. we barely had time to grab the necessities and the animals, everything streaming along in the steam left over from mom's rushing. we set off 5 flea bombs. god they stink. my cat ran back into the house as we were trying to close the door, of course, and mom and i had to chase her around. i think i got some flea shit in my eyes. oh well. everybody settled down on a blanket outside. i should've done more summer reading, but somehow nothing was accomplished. we took a lunch break at pie in the sky. we ordered all 3 different kind of milkshakes. i had vanilla. mmmmm sweet jesus. i was nervous about my cat all afternoon -- that's the longest she's been outside in her whole life. but all turned out well, i think. we slathered ourselves in burt's bees insect repellent, even though i never get bitten. morgan still got eaten up. poor love. at any rate, the mail came and i recieved a magazine called Tape Op about recording music. it's something i've been saying i might look into as a future career, and i found it really ironic that it showed up at my house... mom said i might've gotten on some kind of mailing list, but i didn't sign up for this. is it a nice gift? if so, thank you to whoever paid $3.95 to send me this. i really do think i would enjoy that job. anyway, i'm supposed to go out soon with (hopefully) sallis, brock, and lauren. hooray!

listening to: morgan's watching flashdance and talking on the phone

my cat is all stretched out in my lap as though she loves me again. le sigh.

listening to: throwing muses - snail head

today, while not incredibly packed full of KOOKY halloween fun, was still a very good holiday day. i had a lot of chocolates. they were all mine. well, except for the kitkat and reese's on my windowsill (thankyou thankyou, loverboo). school was actually a pretty fast day. i don't really need to elaborate on that fact. afterwards, we took brock to his house for a change of clothes before coming back home. we had made plans to watch "rocky horror" and hang out with becca, kevin, and laylee. after sitting around here and at sonic for a bit, we called each of them, and both said they'd call when we had real plans. so brock and i just walked around the neighborhood for a while. we ended up on union, and nearly walked to cooper-young, but it was almost dark, so i'm glad we didn't. plus we would've been stuck with no bags for trick-or-treating, and that is sad. we also almost sang for candy, in place of costumes. brock and i do this thing where if one of us has an idea, the other one gets really enthusiastic, and the first one backs down, so it doesn't happen. this is a frequent occurence in the stunning lives on alanna and brock. believe you me. so we just walked back home, and looked for costumes, mostly to no avail. i got stuck briefly in belle's (6-year-old) ballgown from disney's beauty and the beast. it was pretty terrific. i couldn't breathe. brock put on a hat, which became loaded down with lots of items such as shawls, skirts, other hats, wings. i didn't find anything. so we sat around some more and handed out candy. our first batch thought we were a 30-year-old, married couple. it was super hot. we told them we were only 20.
eventually, i called becca again and she was very upset. apparently laylee and kevin had just decided to skip out on our evening's plans, for no reason becca could find. it was very weird. i also called laylee and kevin, but i couldn't get them to tell me what was up. i still don't know. at any rate, it was a very weird phone cal, and i hope they had a good evening, whatever they were doing. when becca and daniell (almost randomly) showed up, we still hadn't found anything good. so i threw on basically whatever i was handed: a tan trenchcoat, captain underpants shirt, strange red and black pants, broken sunglasses, and snakeskin platforms. brock's monument sort of collapsed, so he just wore the basic hat. in a way, i was a crackhead and he was the ghost of a parisian hat model. it turned out rather nicely. becca had on very cool eye makeup, an adorable hat, a skirt as a strapless dress, and fishnet stockings on her arm. we just went out for dinner at glass onion, which was becca's suggestion. she had been there a few months ago, and they've changed the menu since: it's more expensive, and not as good? i think we waited for the food much longer than we actually ate it. brock basically picked and ordered my food. jesus i'm pathetic. it was nice and all, but didn't feel like festive at all. brock described it later as being very adult, which NOBODY is on halloween. it was really cool getting to hang out with becca and daniell, but it also felt very serious and whatnot, probably in part because becca was upset about the laylee and kevin thing. and this very strange breed of people-watching/commenting. i don't know what to think about all that. HOWEVER brock pushed me around in a shopping cart. and that was not very adult. we were just going to leave it where we parked the car, but these creepy women on their porch were like "take that back to the other carts. don't leave it in my front yard. take it back to your own front yard. take it back to where you found it." if i had been the one pushing the cart, i probably would've been pissed off and REALLY put it in her damn yard. but brock is a sweet boy. so he wheeled it far away. wow.
we (except for brock) had made plans to see a special showing of "beetlejuice" at midnight. brock's mom wouldn't let him go, though. it's too bad. by now it was around 9:15, and i don't really understand why, but daniell had to take me and brock back to my house, and she and becca went back to her house. we mostly ... sat around. shortly after we got home, mom came home from the opening night of good time speech. hallelujah, glory be. at some point, brandon called. it was sort of weird because he called on the cell, so brock couldn't get on the phone too, and i couldn't talk to them at the same time. the conversation would've been much better if i hadn't been worried about brock being bored out of his mind. actually at one point tonight, while we were waiting for brock's mom to come pick him up, i mentioned something about not wanting him to be bored and all this, and i was fiddling with the kitkat wrapper. when i finally looked up at him, he was making this "OH NO YOU DI'INT!" face. it was great. and we had a quasi-conversation about it. his first reaction was "what else would i be doing?!" which wasn't all that comforting. but then he was like "i don't get bored! do you get bored?!" and i was like "no!" but the thing i REALLY liked that he said was that he couldn't sit around and do basically nothing with anyone else. and if he was out somewhere doing, he'd most likely be feeling left out of the conversation or be worried about something. and that was really nice. i don't know why.
goddess cat jumped out of the window while brock and i were windowsillin it. actually she was just sitting on it until we came back into my room, and brock stood on the bed, and she freaked out and ran off into the night. i was really nervous, because of the things people to do black cats on halloween. i shimmied through the window and peckled around through the underbrush but to no avail. i looked by the back door. nothing. no kittie. i decided not to worry about it because she always comes back always, even if it's been weeks. as soon as brock left, i walked back into my room and she bounded onto the bed. what a supercat. truly a goddess.
then i sort of took a short breath before becca, daniell, and william showed up for "beetlejuice." i like william SO much more than i used to, it isn't even funny. he really is a good kid. i wish i had more to say to daniell, we are very quiet around each other. it was really great getting to watch that movie at midnight on halloween with costumes and lovelies. nice nice. i wish laylee and kevin had come though. afterwards, we just basically drove around for half an hour or something, which was great. i always like when nights just piddle to a close instead of "SHIT IS DONE, BYE NOW!" also, william says "oh my shit" a lot, which is something elise says that i hate. i'm guessing she got it from him. i knew she got it from somewhere, i just never knew where. it was also really strange when william said "oh, that's happy." i was like aha nuts. we nearly drove to st. louis so that we could have bagels for breakfast. but we ran out of gas.

OH MY GOD WHY AM I SO THIRSTY
WHY IS THERE A CAT IN MY LAP
WHY DO I HAVE 0 WORDS ON WORD PROCESSOR?

i have really been neglecting the blog today, and i should be neglecting it even more right now. damn blogger already deleted half of my post already. i am supposed to be working on history right now, and i sort of am, half-assedly. while eating ice cream. and wearing my mother's/father's old plaid robe. mmm.
today was report card day. i hate my grades like i hate myself. they really need to get better, but i'm too stupid to fix them. the only grade that really disappointed me was ap english. the whole thing was mostly brought down by one stupid assignment i didn't do. so it's humanly impossible for alanna stewart to write and makes notes and highlight in books, so what?! no reason for me to have a 70 test average, i'll tell you that. and the tex wex also, apparently, takes off points for being absent. at white station, we spartans learn that our grades are much more important than our own wellbeing, much less the health of our fellow students. i hate my existence. i hate even more that my schedule is NOT that hard. some kids are taking 5 APs this year. i am taking 2 aps, 2 classes that most kids took last year, 1 deafeningly easy language class that i still can't make an A in, and a motherfucking study hall. and i complain. someone shoot me.
we also had clubs today. i went with laylee, becca, robin, and jenny to munter's club, junior states of america. i don't think we are going to go back. it's all debate and horrifying. ted and alone boy were there. aahaha. i was very glad to see that they didn't know each other and weren't sitting together.
brock and i had a huge fight at lunch. i think i pissed him off a lot. i don't know how to stop something when it needs to be over like 6 days ago.
laylee and kevin laughed at me after school, and kevin had a beautiful smoothy pig marble. i love those kids. becca and i had a looooong wonderful hug. it was very nice. allison, brock, and i had an orgy, but i was just an intrusion. brock lets lauren dunn give him really really long hugs. they look really nice. i'm jealous.
elise IMed me to ask me a history question and it had to ask me if i wanted to accept the message. it was strange. after that plus a huge pause, i told her i liked her last poem. mostly i said it because i had been thinking about it. there were parts of it that actually reminded me of myself, and i basically wanted her to either admit it was about me, or reassure me that it was about one of her new friends. as it turns out, she did write it for me. it is nice to know that i'm not just fucking paranoid or something. but yeah it was sort of weird seeing her view of this whole situation like that. i mean it's not like we would've talked about it, because of said situation. oh well. i'm happy, and i'm sure elise is too.
called brock to ask him again what the math homework was. i've done that every night this week, and at LEAST once last week. poor kid. and as previously stated, god knows it's impossible for me and brock to exist and not talk for 230957 years. which is what we did. i feel really bad because i distracted him from his homework, and he didn't get to work on his oral presentation tonight. guilt guilt guilt. but, as always, talking to brock on the phone made my night way better. that and listening to the first throwing muses album and mint chocolate chip ice cream and this nice robe just take the cake. all the way to the traffic light, where they threw it at the policemen, passing by on horses.
mom came in to tell me to do homework. that is, she picked up the cat and sat next to me on the futon and picked the cat for fleas.
mom: who are you talking to?
me: brock
mom: how did he do on his report card?
me: do you want to ask him?
so brock and mom had a lovely conversation, in which mom asked brock about his classes and promised twice that she "won't tell alanna!" and that she's worried about me because i'm fucking dumb. so dumb she blogs at 11:30pm, with piles of homework left to spit on! beautiful life. oh yeah, my yellow underwear are now purple in some places because of all that permanent marker that has been on my stomach+ area for the past couple days. how fucking funny is that? i want to hang that shit on my wall.
who the fuck is dartmouth vs. woodward?

listening to: whatever is wafting out of morgan's room. she listens to music really really loud when she's going to bed... awwww she's listening to becca! how cute. so THAT'S where my cd went.

lalala. doing history junts. hate hate hate life!!! weee!
oh yeah i am supposed to plug for becca's show.
OCT 17! JAVA MUTHAFUCKA!
i think she should ask mary to switch the date, because the next morning is psats, so a lot of kiddies won't be allowed/keen to go to a late-night rock show.
cat is in my lap and shedding multitudes.
archimedes on the telle.

yesterday after school, katherine went with alice and elise to fly kites. i felt really bad because katherine and i were the ones who made plans to fly kites on Day. however, katherine got confused that Day was thurs, not fri, so she couldn't participate on that day. and on fri, i didn't get to see her at all, so i couldn't say "hey let's go fly kites" or "hey i'm busy today, what about tomorrow?" or anything. guilt guilt guilt. sorry, katherine. i hope you had fun.

today mom woke me up at 12 and said i sound like scarlett johansson. i actually really really love her voice, and i WISH i sounded like her. but the compliment wasn't that great because whenever i said anything, it was really painful and mom couldn't hear me and i had to say it like 5 times. mom's method of waking people up is really funny. she'll come in and sit down on my bed and not say anything like "wake up" or "good morning" or anything. she just starts to talk. "you need to put your sheets back on the bed, you're going to ruin the matress. isn't my shirt pretty? morgan and i went to that falling rivers place that used to be moodance. we got one skirt for all of us to share, and one skirt for morgan, and pants and a top for me, but nothing for you because we didn't know what you'd want. you sound like scarlett johansson. you're the only one who loves my earrings as much as me" etc.
also mom rubbed my back. her hands were very warm. it was nice. i love my mommy. the animals all followed her into my room. so irie and goddess were on the bed with us, and bonnie was rubbing her back under the bed.
i got out of bed eventually. i asked mom where dad was, to find me some medicine because he knows about those things. she said "he's working on his face right now." meaning he was shaving. HAHAHAH.

listening to: mogwai - 2 rights make 1 wrong

today and yesterday were absolutely BEAUTIFUL. yesterday after the doctor's appt and whatnot, laylee and i decided around 6ish how nice it would be see each other. we have absolutely mad plan-making skillz, but unfortuneately our cohorts refuse to comply. so around 8:15, elise, brock, and laylee pull into my driveway. i was sad because brock had to be home at 10, which left about a full 10 seconds for me to see them before i went home. as we were driving towards union, i make this completely random comment about how once-upon-a-time i played in these GREAT fountains downtown. so elise is like "LET'S GO!" and we do. the ones i meant are the ones in the civic center plaza that shoot out of hte ground and all that. brock knew the ones i meant, and we found them together, but they were turned off. that was really sad. so we ended up walking around and watching this beautiful flock of birds that was really like 10 flocks of birds having a party, and they were all at different levels in their little sections, and.... oh it was beautiful. pretty indescribable. plus they were up against the pinky sky as the sun was setting, and memphis didn't look like memphis, and it was just a really great moment. so we walked around for a little while with our necks stuck toward the sky. then we found this little fountainy kinda pool thing. brock and i were saying how awesome it would be to film somebody dancing in it, so elise and laylee (clad in man-pants) took off their sandals, and waded in it. they danced a little bit, but apparently it was squishy and strange so they got out of there. we walked back the way we'd came, to go see if the ground-fountains were back on. they weren't, but we could see the wetness around them so they'd been on SOME time. i guess it was too late in the evening, and therefore not hot enough? we were just gonna sit there and wait-ish, but i wanted to go see the other fountain. it's this big L-shaped wall thing that has water running down it, and 2 little raised pool things on the ends. i don't really know how to describe it, but it's nice nice nice. so it was really damn hot and we were thinking how NICE it would be to just lay against those walls and let the water run down. so we did. for a couple hours. and we danced and sang really loudly and it was just beautiful. there were a few little moments when we all just stopped and had big group hugs and once a kiss festival. also brock let me jump on him TWICE. it was beautiful, and i had a great night. we had to take brock home by 10, as i said, and walking through the streets all wet, i felt like we were magic. we were pixies and naiads who had accidentally landed on this plane. we were beautiful and everything was beautiful. then we listened to ani in the car and there was wind running thru our hair from the open windows and wind is one of my favorite things. it was just lovely. brock and i danced, and i sang too loud, and then we took him home. then laylee and i spent the night with elise, and i'm glad that my mom let me stay out. in retrospect, it probably would've been a better idea to have spent the night at home, and then just had them pick me up later today. i didn't, though, and i had a really nice time at elise's. we stayed up till 4 just sitting around. elise was mainly talking to brandon online, and laylee + i were cozy on the floor, then the couch. i kissed her nose many times. i kissed her clavicle only once. le sigh. i love the girl, i love her. i want to kiss her hip bones. it was really nice though. except when i hit my head. elise has a very hard floor. we all slept in one bed (NOT the big ole crazy cloud bed) and it was relatively nice. i move WAY too much in my sleep, and i'm a blanket/bed hog. but anyway. we woke up at 1ish. we sat around the masur residence for a bit, before going on many various outings. we did QUITE a bit of driving... i'm not sure if i would be able to remember all the places we went in the right order.
laylee's house-- for mass amount of change, her camera, and her pixies cd
shnuck's-- to turn laylee's change in $15, and pretend that we are buying things for a picnic. (elise just got some fruit. then we noted the time...)
memphis college of art-- at 4, we picked up brock.
my house-- i hadn't been able to put my watery contacts back in at elise's when i woke up, so i took them home and got my glasses. we also got some gouda cheese and towels.
becca's house-- to pick up becca!
then we finally drove downtown. it was nice to know where we were going this time. we stopped in subway to get food... that made me sad because it wasn't a real picnic if we were just buying food and carrying it a block away. so in protest, i just got some chips and a big ole dr. peppah. the ground "dancing fountains" were off again, but that was okay. we sat on the hot hot hot ground and ate our foods. and while brock and elise went off to piss in a grocery store, laylee took pictures of becca and it was happy happy happy. then brock and elise came back and we held hands in a line and JUMPED into the fountain thing all at once. becca looks like a mermaid all wet. brock looks like a pixie. elise is already a pixie. laylee looks very sex. i'm sure i look quite silly, just because i hate myself. people kept smiling at us, and some policeman wathced us for a while. it was a beautiful night... for a while i was just alone and dancing around by myself in the water, the other kids were out talking or something, i don't really know. i really shoud've gone over, i guess, because little did i know that i would ahve to go home ebfore everyone else. it was really sad. brock's parents told him on the phone that he couldn't stay someplace like that, so we left. we went back to becca's house to get her guitar so that she could play at htis open-mic thing at overton shell. but on the way htere, mom called me and said i had to come home right then, to do this list of things that i'm supposed to do every dya. i was like "mom, i'll have PLENTY of time" but she didn't belive me. it sucked. so they ended up doing other things anyway. (see elise's, becca's, and brock's blogs.) when i got home, i read angela's ashes like a motherfucker, cleaned out the catbox, scrubbed that bathroom floor and the sink, and ..... sat around on the computer and pretended like ANY SECOND NOW i was going to edit country spacecraft. really i just talked to brandon and elise. which i'm still doing. this post took me hours to write because of that. ah well. i think i'm about to get caught still awake. i really wanted to elaborate more on how beautiful the fountain thing was, but i don't know. i guess whatever details i give won't make any sense to anyone else.... but aside from the kids who were htere, who's reading this?! so i guess i might add some later. plus, i'm sure i'd want to know when i look back. also i'm wayyyy tired and very sick of this stupid blog. why did i decide to do this, again?

listening to: mates of state - everyone needs an editor

my cat is five years old!!!!

we got her from House of Mews, which means she was a stray and the exact date of her birth is unknown but it is sometime in the first couple weeks of february. today, valentine's day, is the end of the first couple weeks of february so i picked a holiday to be her birthday.

happy birthday, silver sehkmet shadow moon!

this room is like a bottle, it's never full enough

yesterday, elise IMed me and said, "hey do you want to spend the night?" and i couldn't really think of a reason why not and plus i love elise and so i said "sure." it took a while to get to her house, because when i wrote down the directions i forgot one of the thingies and so dad and i drove around on the kirbys for a very long time and. well, we got there eventually. elise's sister, lena, came home for the first time in a month and a half, as she had been traveling round the country, and she had a little puppy with her that was named charlie after the guy from the perks of being a wallflower, even though he looks just like charlie from all dogs go to heaven. elise told her that i hate that book and she said "why?" and elise said "ohhh don't get her started." so i didnt say anything, which was very good of me, i think. lena> was wearing an awesome, ancient little mermaid shirt and i think her hair was in kinda dreds, in a pink bandana. elise says her sister is a hippie because she doesn't shave her legs or wear a bra. (does that remind you of anyone, laylee?) elise's brother, aaron, and his girlfriend, bethany, (who both just graduated from white station this year) were there for most of that night, before they left for a party at the racquet club for MUS students that they weren't supposed to go to. dammit i just remembered. they don't like the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." so.... aaron and his lover? ok. they got back late that night (after 1:30 i think) and we all sat in elise's kitchen. bethany was somewhat high at the time, aaron makes very interesting little comments about very random things, and i wish i had brought my camera. aaron kept finding things in the grease of the pizza box. we eventually decided that it was a man talking to god, who was balding a smoking a cigar. the man was squatting, about to jump up and steal god's cigar. elise reminded aaron that he doesn't believe in god, but that obviously was not the point. [the sky is a very very very pretty color right now, and i would go film it for you guys but dad stole the camera and took it to the stewart family reunion.] aaron and behtany were quite nice and inclusive. by some point everybody was hysterical and we decided that there were drugs in the pizza. elise said she wished she could go get wasted and shitfaced with (/like) them. i liked them a lot, and elise said they were her favorite portion of the family. elise and i watched a life less ordinary which we liked a lot. ewan mcgreggor was great, and cameron diaz was only annoying at the end, kind of. it was quite enjoyable. we went to bed around 3 and woke up around 3 the next day. mom and morgan had left a message on elise's AIM, saying that morgan's oral surgery had gone well and she'd called elise's house a million times that morning (for who knows what reason). when we woke up, elise's mom was asleep on the couch. we had peanut butter crunch for breakfast. their phone rings a whole lot. aaron's friend casey called, and he come over just as aaron was getting out of the shower (he'd just woken up as well). we watched some shit tv, casey called 1-800-NEED-HIM (christian prayer line) but they disconnected him before he even got to say what he wanted to pray about. elise called back, but she never got through. my mother called (i got to talk to her through the big banana yellow phone) and picked me up around 5. i want elise to come over some time.