say, honey i am not sorry

every time you look, you get sick to your stomach, feel nauseous and dizzy, the cavern cracked in your chest, gouged. you need to lock up all the offenses in a box and get it out of sight, burn it if necessary.

don't forget: last night you felt nothing. thirty minutes on the phone, and nothing. the drop in your gut at the predictable typical "hello?" multi-tasking at the party, the ugly silence. how flippant to your low note, how ungrateful and spoiled for a charmed life.

you drink, and dream of women: cale's birthday a circus of pierced nipples, rooms full of bathtubs, and balancing acts on floating balloons. waking up is not real life, but you have a better memory of what it could be. you just want a 19th-century romance with a woman in a field.

GOALS:
--acrobalance
--herb garden
--sublet/house-sit cabin
--animate with morgan


You are Eeyore. 


listening to: joanna newsom - kingfisher

good things for today

• hot cuppa tea
• popcorn with yeast and garlic salt
• writing letters
• tearing paper
• dandelions
• baby bowl before bed
• not looking at the computer
• not giving a fuck

NEW PLANS:

--run away with morgan and be secret princesses in caves

--find some awesome artist who needs a personal assistant

--move into a roadside attraction
--don't worry about any of these fuckhead fakeys
--don't bother talking to anyone who doesn't bother talking to you
--cultivate ugliness
--every letter a suicide note

--cut it out
--love the cut

envelope words

it's the last thing i would've wanted him to say. don't ever say anything is pretty ever again.
you tell me you're working on words but if that's possible, how are you so far? do you understand i'm falling apart, crushed? NO. you couldn't. every letter a suicide note why do i bother? every dark patch bristling card calling me. i feel like i'm going so much crazier than everyone else -- of course we all are, so why? we're all running ragged on our fears and insecurities and stress of every kind. all i want to do forever is cry and creak and die and cry but i can't ever.
i was trying to think of the response i would want. i could only think of the one i wouldn't: this was that one. this was the one that killed me. i can't do this. there's nothing to change that could fix it. i just have to move on and find someone who can begin to understand. is there a person like that? is there anyone, anywhere for me? why am i so far? what can i do to find my place? i feel so sad and stupid for asking but there's nothing to cry and nowhere to go and i need to take care of everyone, i need them all to stay and live and love and make everything good, i know they can make it. i try to make them see all their good and find each other. if only we could really build it.... i wish i could believe. all i see is the razors in the drawer + the stains on the floor.

​olisten, don't worry, it's fine. i've said this before,
but i mean it this time:
i can't do this anymore.


you will not wonder what could have been. you will continue to believe i could have tried harder, when you never tried at all.
you never even said what happened.
you never even explained that the pledge was done. you broke it and you pretended you hadnt.
i can't begin to say my disappointment.

​​ i will make this because i am the only one who will. i will do my damnedest because it's all that i can do. these things are fleeting, this is what they are. i will make every letter a suicide note, a ship of leaves set to sail down a trickling gutter stream. i am the moss at the bottom of the street.

WHAT FUCKING EMAIL DO YOU EVEN KEEP REFERENCING IN WHICH YOU DECLARE YOUR LOVE OR SMOE SHIT

i was afraid to let go and give my love freely. when i did, it was given back.
​it's pretty HIGHLARIOUS that i predicted everything in this poem, by lumping you in with the rest before it was even true.
you should understand that i'm disappointed and hurt that you left me for someone new. or rather, placed me on the backburner (yes i've been there before.)
but i'm really hurt and really angry and disgusted that you didn't tell me first, that instead of checking in, you checked the fuck out. really did you care for me so little? after pulling out all my love and trust, after you told me over and over that it was okay and you were here and full of love, after we pledged ourselves to each other. why didn't you tell me that plans had changed? why didn't you tell me there was at least the possibility?
and as far as not "understanding upset or hurt" or whatever garbage, i don't fucking believe you for a second and i really wish you'd drop this holier than thou shit and get back in the dirt with the rest of us. saying that crap (and actually believing it?!) just makes you seem all the more selfish, naive, and oblivious. which i guess is what you really are, and congratulations on finding someone who buys into that.
what does "sorta" mean?
how angry should i be?
do you know how i pined? do you know what i risked?
it kills me how defensive you were. how you float away to your intellectual land where nothing matters and there's no point to anything. do you really believe that? how did we ever love if that's true? how can you throw this all away?
do you know how it feels to have your heart jumping out of you, your chest always an aching cavern, open to everything? how is it that i can feel this much?
it's constant pain. i know you don't believe.
of course i could never make it with someone who doesn't believe in anything. of course he sees my sadness rules me.

you didn't miss me. you don't need me. i should've known.... i think i did which is where the test came in. i saw this coming before you did. i saw it all. i was never your style, i could never be your girl.
just don't pretend this was something that happened to you. you are making the choice every step that you take. fate led you to the water but you didn't have to drink.
i am the desert, the place where men sink.

how could you be so naive, so selfish, so ENTITLED????
why did i believe that you respected me
why did i believe when you said about getting rejected, being hurt, the one that was left
why didn't i notice that long line of girls stretched out before me all along
why didn't i call to them
how did i not see how much you worship yourself, your disdain for human relations, your carelessness

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
i thought you knew me better. i thought i could believe that you'd grown. but you are still the same immature boy who loves the lie and the pit.
i'm too embarrassed to tell my friends what happened between us. i was so fucking excited.
you tried to get in touch in the weakest ways, so fucking polite. one text a week and a couple one-line emails. no calls, no letters; it was clear you didn't need me, miss me, didn't feel like i feel.
you wanted to silence to give you the go.
i asked what do you want, and you say you want to talk it out. what i hear is you want to make yourself feel better before you move on and leave me to my silence. i will not give you that.
you are a fucking coward. do not blame me that we never settled on a label or a name; you never tried to have the conversation. it was easy on you, you could slip out at any time. you did, i knew you would.
i feel so stupid for letting myself fall. i saw this coming from the start. but i do put my heart before my head, whatever you think. i believed in our power, the magic of us. i thought we could overcome our fears and failures.
of course i love you, that's why i am so broken. what did you think? i warned you what would happen.

ten moons. write it about how i feel, not what he did. he will not understand the blaming language. you have to make him understand through confessions and truth.

filling and refilling the bucket with water. filling up and pouring out. a branch cat​​ches my arm and leaves a cool drop of morning dew, the last one left at high noon hiding in the dark bush. a cobweb catches my hair, surrounds and tangles, a new nest.
the bucket will never be clean. the water will come out clear and pure and will muddy instantly in the stained white plastic.

​how how how how how how h​​ow do i feel so much

crumb + crime

some lines tapped out drunk on my phone and high in my room, in a
matter of minutes over a handful of days--

(i'm sorry, you asked.)


carrying you
the broken doubloon
pockets of deception
full and heavy with treasures
cherished or forgotten

funny how we came together as it fell apart
broken from the start, but now scattered
at least a fourth gone forever
and the other smooth slivers tried to lose
but somehow i never do manage to

how much was i holding in?
how long will it take to wash away
near nine years of constant chemicals?
no one warned me:
waves of unchecked estrogens, enzymes wreak havoc on every piece
of my system and knock me off what little stability i rocky rode,
cysts crunch tight ovaries twisting, wrecked
weeks of white knuckles, eight days of thick black blood
birthmarks bleeding and browner than ever
so sore, so much, so tired, so sad
so so done
get me gone

shedding it all
getting rid
the sticky slickness of newly opened fruit
it pains and pours
cant keep anymore
i feell down

couldnt contain it and split my sense
on the pavement spilt my whisky and my mess
but not a drop for you
and fingers that beckon but do not ask
split sick open wide
spilt self all over
cant contain--
i didnt want to
i disjt mean to
he did not ask to take the fruit

they usually dont


and where did i lose you?
between the unealked streets of our interchange
without negotiating the borders of this new land
under a haze of confusion in the cloud of uncertain substance
so how could i find you?
why shouldnt you float
in and out
to and fro
up and down
i coukdnt ever hope to stay
a mess of indecision
a cobweb tangle heartsore

that heart was whole
in my pocket all along
it missed the chance to sing our song

and now my fruit is rancid, rotten
under wilted odor of noxious lovers
who sucked on my spirits and promptly forgot them
greedy plundered all sweet offers

tasting and taking the higher they climbed
entwined in the dance called the rape of the vine

they took as they tasted the best of my wine
they took me down dancing the rape of the vine


why did i assume it was all in the mix?
that the music would speak where the silence kicks?
that they'd stay to sleep when the fruit was picked?
why i’d rather not ask than take the risk
when at every end i’m trapped and tricked

how hungry did you have to get
to try a night with me?
look past the sagging sacks and
maneuver the tangles to get the fruit
this is no courtly quest
there was no love story


and so pulled out the clot and held in my hands
nine years of clear caught love, spent seed
everything i tried to keep
a ball of blood and mucus down the drain
sent off without ceremony
now what do i do with all this feel?
without a stopper or a net
and now, not even any eyes
dumb and blind and come and cry

and what we saw on the deep dark highway
were roads of stars through layers of heavy trees
all that hanging life and sweetness
and there, ahead, still and silent in the middle of the road
the fawn, the wandering grazer, small shy and calm
not the deer in headlights
not a thing but trust
we slow to let her finish, turn and cross back towards us in the dark
not running
not away

the beauty leaves a bitter taste
i want to scream, to get her gone
don't look at us, don't believe
you can't stay here girl
you won't have time to learn

then
two dead doe
and there it is:
every sister, mother
splayed in center
the white lines
straight through
legs broken
necks cracked
i try, but i cant take it back


now the cat in my lap and the wine in my hand
hurting and working without a plan
i won’t tell you how it really ends
you’ll do your best to understand
but wonder why it’s back again


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,mmmmmm
^this is lucha's contribution
can't say i don't agree
you asked
i'm sorry

​why can't i give myself the right to ask? am i afraid of my partners? am i too afraid that i'll upset them by being straight forward and end up hurting myself in the long run? what is this ridiculous dance?​​

words to keep for Better Critter

drowning in wonder and hunger of several varieites

i have a fever

let's sleep in a freezer

abandoned alphabet

​a is for aquarius there are no words
b is for blue fire eyes dear god i'm falling
c is for catastrophe, the only kind i need
d is for danger, disaster, delirium, deliquency, deranged, dirigible
e is for ecstatic my love
f is for face your face its shining its beauty and f my friend we'll always be and f my fool and for FURRRRR let me live in there in your forest and let's f
g is for gigantic a big big love
h is for your head, i want ot hold it forever. holding your heart in my hands. please let me.
i am working on feeling alright
j is for my jester, my joy, filling it all with laughter and spark
k
l


(edit and finish this thing and turn it into a letter/book/paper present)

critic
manager
music videos


learn drums
make zines
learn to write
herbs
acrobalance

join intnetional community
publishing internahip
animal rescue
artist residency
filmmaker in new zealand


rex will be great forever just doibg what he does. what do i NEED to do?

sawngs

1) Art Sorority for Girls - Spaceship
2) Larkin Grimm - The Butcher (Live on Airborne Event in 2008)
3) Adrian Orange - Blushing
4) The Mountain Goats - California Song
5) Diane Cluck - 4 Score Lightnings
6) Paper Bird - Cryptozoology
7) Regina Spektor - A Cannon
8) Beirut - Scenic World
9) Mountain Man - Play It Right (live in 2011)
10) Haruko - Spring In Our Lungs
11) Erin Tobey - Water Song
12) Agent Ribbons - Birds and Bees
13) Belly - King
14) Beat Happening - Dreamy
15) tUnE-YaRdS - Want Me To
16) Pearl and the Beard - Voice In My Throat
17) Zoë Boekbinder - inexorably
18) Khaela Maricich - V-Day 1998
19) Cub - The Day We Met
20) Paul Baribeau - How Could That Be True
21) Why Are We Building Such A Big Ship? - Lonesome Leash
22) Shenandoah Davis - Duet
23) Jolie Holland - December, 1999
24) Josephine Foster - Little Life

​dreamt of animals, taking care of charlie, who it turned out had been alive all along. a soft sweet creature, peach and feather fur.

sinking as a window pane

a trial

it's a night of beer and coffee on the couch of weary lonesome
and the dirty cups are stacking faster than we're pouring new ones
with the ghostly winds ahowlin through the trees, a fearsome rain storm
and the chimes clang crookedly throughout, an otherwordly chant noise


4am with nothing left
half a beer, my shallow self
i do forget to eat
but i don't forget to drink
how can we know where we stand
when the birds don't sing?


a pitterpatter pitterpat sings in the dark alone
the lonely redwood branches chant the heart of every song
i fall to catch the only thing that i know how to trust
the life that struggles in the dirt, the worm that's all of us




i'm throwing in this bit from an old song i wrote, stealing from yeats.

and this is all i know:
things come together
before things fall apart
things come together

sinking. singing. the chant of it that leaves me out. the pace of it that proceeds, as i sit , idle on the couch. the smell, the breath. nothing left. nothing to offer to wind or rain, nothing to gain. just take me, teach me, let me ride. i'll turn to storm clouds, pitch and glide. i'll become the blaze you want me to; there's no tomorrow but me and you.

and jesus christ my heart stopped when I saw it was me who left the carriage house door open

something about how the branches scraping the glass ends up sounding like the birds that i've wanted.
ugh this is terrible tom, please excuse me. but you asked me, and it's practice! practice is good. let's keep working. i wanna improve. let's go there.

​dreamt you sent me two songs. the first was about how sad and depressed you were, and the second said something lik​​e "if you really cared, you'd be here" and it made me feel awful.
and then i dreamed about being at the pharmacy with a girl i used to know when i was small.

​the world all warm and wet, ancient and growing
all i want is the feel of your fingers around me,
inside, stiff, hardened
everywhere in complete​​

When I came, I saw the forest: redwoods, ferns, ravines. And those bats. A night full of bats.

old mix

tom sent me the tracklist to an ancient mix i must've made him in, what, 2006 ?? 

i didn't know him well yet and i didn't know what kind of music he liked, so i just threw a bunch of stuff on there. haha wtf was i thinking.

i'm down right amazed at what i can destroy with just a hammer - atom and his package
mediocrity rules - le tigre
the return of evil bill - clinic
lime house - the breeders
i was born (a unicorn) - the unicorns
nancy drew - tuscadero
the chimbley sweep - the deceberists
miss alissa - eagles of death metal
hounds of love - kate bush
the naming of things - andrew bird
bridges and balloons - joanna
neighborhood #1 - the arcade fire
the pull - the microphones
crushed bones - why?
big science - laurie anderson
not living at all - mr. airplane man
no roses no more - lucero
manhole - ani
steak for chicken - moldy peaches
love und romance - the slits
fire fire - mia
god and country - the thermals
deep wilson - kristin hersh

Finally realizing the truth. I just need to talk straight. I'm afraid of being this way: clingy and crazy and scary. I'm afraid of him being something else, something that doesn't want the same thing. What can we do.
I'm afraid that we won't be what we want. That it wont work when I do want it to work.

Put our heads together. Press mouths open. Hearts beating as one, matching breaths. Close, open. What heat, what magic! The feel of our tangle, the mess of us.

Home alone and every little noise is freaking me out. Will i ever grow up?

i do not need a light

i almost didn't go to my therapist appointment this morning. it was my first time seeing this woman, and after my disastrous experience a couple weeks ago (in which the LCSW accused me of being on my parents' insurance illegally and made me cry in the first 2 minutes), i was feeling pretty wary about whether this was a good idea. but i went, and i was late, and a very sweet dog greeted me as soon as i walked in. the session was okay i suppose; i felt pretty okay about it when i first left, but that feeling has been steadily failing since i got home. i wish i had been more firm that i see medication as a last resort, and i wish i had talked more about immediate problems than answering all her questions about my back story. and anyway i don't see what good this is going to do me if i only see her three times, which is hopefully what it will be if i can get out of town as soon as i'm planning on. SO basically probably a big wate of time and money on my end, and i'm not sure what i'm even trying to get out of this. i hate to be so negative but.. well that's just how it is.
now the day is already half gone and i have no idea how that happened and i'm mad at myself. i need to find some lunch and take morgan driving and do some errands and work on editing and finish cleaning my room, etc. instead i'm listening to an album i just discovered by an artist i really like, josephine foster-- it's all musical versions of emily dickinson poems! so perfect. how did i not know about this before?

listening to: josephine foster - i see thee better -- in the dark

happy birthday

well, old blog, today you've turned 10. i'd like to make an effort to write here more... the periods of my life when i wasn't writing have turned into weird black holes that i'll never be able to remember. and i think it'd be good to keep this up, if only for processing. definitely in a big transitional period right now, with really no idea what will happen next. if i look at it the right way, i have infinite possibilities; the world is completely open to me. but the reality is much more stressful than that, and this is the worst low i've been in for a long time. i really don't know what the hell i'm doing with myself and it's impossible for me to envision my life beyond memphis and this movie. so i guess that's where i should start?
anyway, i'll try to be around more. sorry for neglecting you, old friend.