why can't my stupid fucking lamp stand up straight?
not only does it refuse to stand up straight, it has been moving slowly for the past couple minutes and i'm really horrified that it's about to fall. my therapist and the media co-op have this same lamp, only theirs are not shitty reconstructions of the leaning tower of pisa. i just don't understand. i fear for my safety right now. even though the lamp is leaning rather crookedly against the wall, i am positive that it has the capability of reaching out to grab my life at any moment.
i really need some sleep.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
baby go back to your womb
today's brilliant chain of wonderful event began in the car on the way to school. (as previously stated, i'd fallen asleep last night before i did anything except math homework, so i was trying to read american political tradition during the drive.) morgan was talking about how on the phone last night, mom asked her if she had a boyfriend yet, because apparently our relatives (and people who might as well be our relatives, and very well could be) have been asking. morgan said no, but that miss alanna has one. dad's response, of course, was incredibly loud laughter.
stated: AND WHO WOULD THAT BE?!
implied: WHO WOULD EVER DATE MY DISGUSTING, EVIL DAUGHTER?
way to make a kid feel loved, pops.
morning wasn't so bad. christie gave me half a pop-tart. brock was absent from the pre-homeroom festivites, probably doing shit for scribbler staff. i spent the whole day trying to read that stupid chapter for history. chemistry was nice because i understand still/again. woohoo. in english we had a LOCKDOWN so that we don't get shot. joseph sat his fat ass on me. that piece of fuck. oh fuck we have a latin test tomorrow. well there goes my A.
by lunch i wasn't that worried about history. i only had 3 pages left, and i figured i could spare those, with what katherine and brock said about the discussion format today: each person was assigned a character and got asked a couple individual questions. that's it. it didn't seem bad at all, so i didn't even bother to finish the reading, and had a marvelous lunch, filled with screams and mystery emails. so going into class, i was in a genius mood. most of class was actually taken up by looking over our last test and 2 oral presentations. but since we had so little time left for discussion, we didn't do it in the same format as 5th period. she just asked genereal questions. there were some that i could've answered and everything, but i just didn't i guess. i always feel so wrong in there. i don't know. so after everyone but me had talked, she asked this one question where nobody raised their hand. so she looked right at me and said "come on, redeem yourself." and i sort of tittered something that was PART of the answer... and she kept trying to make me say more and give me sort of hints, but i couldn't THINK like that. i would've had to know almost exactly what i was going to say before i even raised my hand. which i did not. oh well. it wasn't that big of a deal, and i didn't feel absolutely ret@rd*d until after the discussion was officially over, and elise gave me this wink and thumbs up sign kinda thing, saying "good job!" then i felt really idiotic. i knew i hadn't done anything resembling a good job, and she was saying it trying to be nice, but it completely backfired. it was more condescending than anything, just because she doesn't understand. so the bell rang. joseph started talking to her about tomorrow's in-class essay, so i was like "thank god, i'm going to be saved from talking to her as i walk out." i guess i jinxed it, because she said my name as i passed by, and had to stand there until she was done with the other kiddies. and finally...
her: did i embarass you?
me: no... it's just that i can't think with everyone expecting me to say something
her: are you sure, or are you just being stubborn?
me: no
her: ...
me: ...
her: well i'm going to be honest, it's a hassle for me to have to stay after school for you to take the written test. you're not only punishing yourself, you're punishing ME!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
her: ...
her: did you read all of it?
me: yes
her: well you had a good 20 minutes worth of questions, and i KNOW you could've answered some of them!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
basically it was hell. i can't even remember how it ended, because by then i was so upset. guys, i can't even explain what it is she does to me. i lose all my dignity, self-control, and strength and my lip just trembles. i can't talk because my throat is tight and terrible, and it's the worst thing in the world. i walked out of there feeling like shit and staring at my feet. i know my little lip was quivering away and my damn eyes were watery when i ran into becca's feet. she said my name in her beautiful becca way, and after that i just sort of crashed. all i remember is crying into her shoulder, and i think she asked me a couple questions but i couldn't really talk. it was awful. i literally have not cried in years. i'm so serious. laylee thought i lost the ability in the war. i thought so, too. it felt really teeangery/angsty/highschool to have done that, but it actually felt really nice. i still feel really cleansed. i felt bad to have unleashed this mountain of at least 5 years' worth of pent-year tears on becca in the span of about 30 seconds. i hope she wasn't late to class. i, on the other hand, was slightly late to class and mrs. jennings asked me twice if i was okay. it was really nice of her, i guess, but what could she do?
her: are you okay?
me: no, i want to die. can you help?
actually, she asked if i was okay, and if i wanted any tissue. i said no to both, but probably should've said otherwise. it was strange having to sniffle my way through the quiz, but stranger that i could still operate pretty well under the circumstances. i think i did pretty well on that quiz. for once, i actually liked getting to go to math after history, because i didn't really have to think. if i still had study hall after history, i would've had to deal with margaret and elizabeth, which could've been really nice, but also really weird.
after school, i didn't really want to unleash my shit on anyone or anything. becca had said she would talk to me after class, but she wasn't there. i felt like she was the only person i could/should talk to, probably because she had seen me in my weakest state and i wouldn't really have to explain too much to her. i ran into kevin and laylee, who apparently noticed that i looked sad, but they were beautiful as always. they gave me a sucker. it was a good sucker. i love them. i didn't really say anything though. i didn't want to burden them or anything. but becca didn't come out front, and then robin asked me how history was anyway. i still didn't really want to talk, so i was really vague about it. a while later, lauren h talked to me for the first time in a while, and she asked about my day so i sort of detailed the history a little more. and i was feeling slightly better, so i got to make it funny-ish and talk about how ervin looks like a pink leprachaun with yellow paper eyes, and all that. being silly about it made it seem less real and less personal. even funnier, brock had to go by her class to get a book he forgot about, and since there was no one else left, i went with him. i planned to wait like 10 feet away from her classroom to avoid her, but as we approached the room, we realized SHE WAS BEHIND US. GOIAHIPSOHGWOEH. it was terrifying. but it's pretty funny to think of how it must look that brock and i hang out. her amazing, perfect-essay student and her idiot, refuses-to-speak student. and they're lobsters. aha.
this is a fucking long post. shit.
anyway that's about it. laylee called me and talked to me for hours on end, because she could tell i was upset today. i love that. and everybody is being really great about it. thanks to all the kids. i love you.
brandon: oh i had a weird experience involving you last night
me: don't you always
brandon: yeah
brandon: this was different though
me: what happened
brandon: i woke up at three in the morning (i had fallen asleep at 12) and sat straight up, sweating my ass off and with my shirt off and i said your name out loud
brandon: and then went back to sleep
and on that note, happy birthday to margaret tomorrow. happy birthday to katherine w yesterday.
farwell to elliott smith.
listening to: throwing muses - limbo
(i can't even tell you how animated i am when i listen to music alone. i make awful faces and hand gestures like a fucking mime. it's really bad. thank god i'm alone.)
stated: AND WHO WOULD THAT BE?!
implied: WHO WOULD EVER DATE MY DISGUSTING, EVIL DAUGHTER?
way to make a kid feel loved, pops.
morning wasn't so bad. christie gave me half a pop-tart. brock was absent from the pre-homeroom festivites, probably doing shit for scribbler staff. i spent the whole day trying to read that stupid chapter for history. chemistry was nice because i understand still/again. woohoo. in english we had a LOCKDOWN so that we don't get shot. joseph sat his fat ass on me. that piece of fuck. oh fuck we have a latin test tomorrow. well there goes my A.
by lunch i wasn't that worried about history. i only had 3 pages left, and i figured i could spare those, with what katherine and brock said about the discussion format today: each person was assigned a character and got asked a couple individual questions. that's it. it didn't seem bad at all, so i didn't even bother to finish the reading, and had a marvelous lunch, filled with screams and mystery emails. so going into class, i was in a genius mood. most of class was actually taken up by looking over our last test and 2 oral presentations. but since we had so little time left for discussion, we didn't do it in the same format as 5th period. she just asked genereal questions. there were some that i could've answered and everything, but i just didn't i guess. i always feel so wrong in there. i don't know. so after everyone but me had talked, she asked this one question where nobody raised their hand. so she looked right at me and said "come on, redeem yourself." and i sort of tittered something that was PART of the answer... and she kept trying to make me say more and give me sort of hints, but i couldn't THINK like that. i would've had to know almost exactly what i was going to say before i even raised my hand. which i did not. oh well. it wasn't that big of a deal, and i didn't feel absolutely ret@rd*d until after the discussion was officially over, and elise gave me this wink and thumbs up sign kinda thing, saying "good job!" then i felt really idiotic. i knew i hadn't done anything resembling a good job, and she was saying it trying to be nice, but it completely backfired. it was more condescending than anything, just because she doesn't understand. so the bell rang. joseph started talking to her about tomorrow's in-class essay, so i was like "thank god, i'm going to be saved from talking to her as i walk out." i guess i jinxed it, because she said my name as i passed by, and had to stand there until she was done with the other kiddies. and finally...
her: did i embarass you?
me: no... it's just that i can't think with everyone expecting me to say something
her: are you sure, or are you just being stubborn?
me: no
her: ...
me: ...
her: well i'm going to be honest, it's a hassle for me to have to stay after school for you to take the written test. you're not only punishing yourself, you're punishing ME!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
her: ...
her: did you read all of it?
me: yes
her: well you had a good 20 minutes worth of questions, and i KNOW you could've answered some of them!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
basically it was hell. i can't even remember how it ended, because by then i was so upset. guys, i can't even explain what it is she does to me. i lose all my dignity, self-control, and strength and my lip just trembles. i can't talk because my throat is tight and terrible, and it's the worst thing in the world. i walked out of there feeling like shit and staring at my feet. i know my little lip was quivering away and my damn eyes were watery when i ran into becca's feet. she said my name in her beautiful becca way, and after that i just sort of crashed. all i remember is crying into her shoulder, and i think she asked me a couple questions but i couldn't really talk. it was awful. i literally have not cried in years. i'm so serious. laylee thought i lost the ability in the war. i thought so, too. it felt really teeangery/angsty/highschool to have done that, but it actually felt really nice. i still feel really cleansed. i felt bad to have unleashed this mountain of at least 5 years' worth of pent-year tears on becca in the span of about 30 seconds. i hope she wasn't late to class. i, on the other hand, was slightly late to class and mrs. jennings asked me twice if i was okay. it was really nice of her, i guess, but what could she do?
her: are you okay?
me: no, i want to die. can you help?
actually, she asked if i was okay, and if i wanted any tissue. i said no to both, but probably should've said otherwise. it was strange having to sniffle my way through the quiz, but stranger that i could still operate pretty well under the circumstances. i think i did pretty well on that quiz. for once, i actually liked getting to go to math after history, because i didn't really have to think. if i still had study hall after history, i would've had to deal with margaret and elizabeth, which could've been really nice, but also really weird.
after school, i didn't really want to unleash my shit on anyone or anything. becca had said she would talk to me after class, but she wasn't there. i felt like she was the only person i could/should talk to, probably because she had seen me in my weakest state and i wouldn't really have to explain too much to her. i ran into kevin and laylee, who apparently noticed that i looked sad, but they were beautiful as always. they gave me a sucker. it was a good sucker. i love them. i didn't really say anything though. i didn't want to burden them or anything. but becca didn't come out front, and then robin asked me how history was anyway. i still didn't really want to talk, so i was really vague about it. a while later, lauren h talked to me for the first time in a while, and she asked about my day so i sort of detailed the history a little more. and i was feeling slightly better, so i got to make it funny-ish and talk about how ervin looks like a pink leprachaun with yellow paper eyes, and all that. being silly about it made it seem less real and less personal. even funnier, brock had to go by her class to get a book he forgot about, and since there was no one else left, i went with him. i planned to wait like 10 feet away from her classroom to avoid her, but as we approached the room, we realized SHE WAS BEHIND US. GOIAHIPSOHGWOEH. it was terrifying. but it's pretty funny to think of how it must look that brock and i hang out. her amazing, perfect-essay student and her idiot, refuses-to-speak student. and they're lobsters. aha.
this is a fucking long post. shit.
anyway that's about it. laylee called me and talked to me for hours on end, because she could tell i was upset today. i love that. and everybody is being really great about it. thanks to all the kids. i love you.
brandon: oh i had a weird experience involving you last night
me: don't you always
brandon: yeah
brandon: this was different though
me: what happened
brandon: i woke up at three in the morning (i had fallen asleep at 12) and sat straight up, sweating my ass off and with my shirt off and i said your name out loud
brandon: and then went back to sleep
and on that note, happy birthday to margaret tomorrow. happy birthday to katherine w yesterday.
farwell to elliott smith.
listening to: throwing muses - limbo
(i can't even tell you how animated i am when i listen to music alone. i make awful faces and hand gestures like a fucking mime. it's really bad. thank god i'm alone.)
elliott smith died... if you don't care to read an entire article, they think it was probably a suicide. he didn't OD or anything, but people suspected he'd gotten back onto heroin or something over the past couple months. poor elliott. there's nothing like music by a depressed, ex-junkie, alcoholic when you're down. it's too bad he couldn't listen to himself.
so at 9:30 last night i went back to my room to start reading the history homework. the assignment where i always DIE IN CLASS the next day. i lay down for a minute, to get some strength up. i wasn't tired or anything. and yet, i fell asleep. dad came in at 11 and woke me up. i lay there some more, really tired by now and feeling stupid. i think i must've drifted off again or something because when i finally dragged myself out of bed it was (surprise, surprise) midnight. so i fucked everything and went to bed for real. now i have no homework done and i'm still tired. life sucks.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
oh my god, my mom is the CUTEST thing. she just referenced KAREN O on the phone. what a wonderful woman. she is in georgia, because grandma had surgery yesterday. gma is doing good, though, and mom plans to come home on thursday.
anyway, my aunt nura (phyllis) ray is down there too, and mom said that the other day she did something that reminded mom of KAREN O. i love my mother.
anyway, my aunt nura (phyllis) ray is down there too, and mom said that the other day she did something that reminded mom of KAREN O. i love my mother.
god i hate waking up. why do i keep staying up so late?!
well i'm in a better mood than yesterday. laylee told me she would cry if i changed those things, and that i wouldn't be alanna anymore. so i was like 'fuck that, laylee is the only one who loves me anyway and if she doesnt like me then who fucking will.' so the end. morgan is in the bathroom with my shoes. aufh.
listening to: the npr pledge drive. haah.
well i'm in a better mood than yesterday. laylee told me she would cry if i changed those things, and that i wouldn't be alanna anymore. so i was like 'fuck that, laylee is the only one who loves me anyway and if she doesnt like me then who fucking will.' so the end. morgan is in the bathroom with my shoes. aufh.
listening to: the npr pledge drive. haah.
Monday, October 20, 2003
you can talk a blue streak
you can talk till you're blue
i am drinking dr. pepper. hell yes. i have a craving for pasta. kevin gives the best hugs. afternoon showers are nice. post-shower loud singing is better. limbo is fucking god. today is okay right now.
listening to: throwing muses - night driving
(featuring cellos. oh i'm melting. oh god. plus it has one of those half-way switches in the song. i love those things. they slay me. oh god. i'm slo-ed.)
you can talk till you're blue
i am drinking dr. pepper. hell yes. i have a craving for pasta. kevin gives the best hugs. afternoon showers are nice. post-shower loud singing is better. limbo is fucking god. today is okay right now.
listening to: throwing muses - night driving
(featuring cellos. oh i'm melting. oh god. plus it has one of those half-way switches in the song. i love those things. they slay me. oh god. i'm slo-ed.)
i'm not good at being alone
today was a bleggity monday. it wasn't awful, though, which was good. we had a blegh history test, which was all multiple choice because ms. ervin had a terrible migraine? the questions were really random and i didn't know a lot of them. i'm rather put out, because i studied a bit and all. phh.
not too much else to say about today... nisha and ima sat with us at lunch. miranda was there for a little while too, asking about the history test. it felt really weird. and the more people there are, the quieter sallis is, which i don't like. i wish i got to see/talk to sallis more. it's too bad. and i think i am also quieter when there are more people. brock says it was nice because there was different conversation. well i'm sorry if i don't give a SHIT about the lizzy mcguire movie and how cute her clothes were. it was just weird. i miss our lunch from the first couple weeks of school. i also wish wexler's 5th period always had c lunch. sigh. those were the days, i guess.
i have talked about that for much too long. laylee, becca, and kevin made me really happy today. i love them. they continue to forever joy me to death. i usually see kevin and laylee first off after school while i'm walking to my locker. and then after i say bye to them, i'm still in a great mood. but after i go to my locker and say hi to other people, i get un-happied. i don't know why it is. i guess it's just that they are so wonderfully full of love and physicality and everything, and then everyone else is ... not. and mean rather than nice. cold rather than warm.
this is making it sound really bad. i love everyone, don't get me wrong. i don't know what's wrong with me gopahwpihpoehoahegpohpwoahgpeh.
but kevin kissed me today. and all was well.
listening to: the gossip - heartbeats
not too much else to say about today... nisha and ima sat with us at lunch. miranda was there for a little while too, asking about the history test. it felt really weird. and the more people there are, the quieter sallis is, which i don't like. i wish i got to see/talk to sallis more. it's too bad. and i think i am also quieter when there are more people. brock says it was nice because there was different conversation. well i'm sorry if i don't give a SHIT about the lizzy mcguire movie and how cute her clothes were. it was just weird. i miss our lunch from the first couple weeks of school. i also wish wexler's 5th period always had c lunch. sigh. those were the days, i guess.
i have talked about that for much too long. laylee, becca, and kevin made me really happy today. i love them. they continue to forever joy me to death. i usually see kevin and laylee first off after school while i'm walking to my locker. and then after i say bye to them, i'm still in a great mood. but after i go to my locker and say hi to other people, i get un-happied. i don't know why it is. i guess it's just that they are so wonderfully full of love and physicality and everything, and then everyone else is ... not. and mean rather than nice. cold rather than warm.
this is making it sound really bad. i love everyone, don't get me wrong. i don't know what's wrong with me gopahwpihpoehoahegpohpwoahgpeh.
but kevin kissed me today. and all was well.
listening to: the gossip - heartbeats
Sunday, October 19, 2003
stayed up till 5 talking to brandon. it was really nice, we haven't done that in a while. it made me very happy. the next best thing was waking up and talking to him again. it felt just like the summer. plus he told me his most embarassing sexual exploits, which, as it turns out, are all of them.
i am in the middle of taking practice tests for the history test tomorrow. shitttt i hate this.
becca is supposed to come record this week..... i don't want to jinx it though, by saying that this time it will happen.
laylee said she's been wanting to comment, so. here are go.
i am in the middle of taking practice tests for the history test tomorrow. shitttt i hate this.
becca is supposed to come record this week..... i don't want to jinx it though, by saying that this time it will happen.
laylee said she's been wanting to comment, so. here are go.
Saturday, October 18, 2003
today was actually really fucking awesome. psats? fuck that! so i only finished like 2 of the sections. if that. i had an awesome day! take that, (mis)guidance bitches. you know i don't even want to TALK about that shit. i don't even care. i realized that i had thrown on a shirt that has a little hole in it, in the chest area. and it being so early, i was too lazy to put on a bra. oh well. i guess i'm a slut now. laylee was in the testing room with me, though. we made eyes. she looked hot.
my wonderful mother, being my wonderful mother, knew that i needed chocolate for the test. she did something similar last year, only last year she found some hershey's kisses in our house someplace. this year, she looked around but couldn't find any, so she packed me a little tupperware full of chocolate chips. they were a huge hit. elise ate them very quickly. probably because she dropped most of them. they made becca very happy. i offered them all around, and i don't understand why some people didn't accept them. there are some things i will never understand.
so there was a little time to hang out and talk to kids a bit before we left. i think a bunch of kids had decided to go to lunch somewhere or something. it would've been fun to go, but it was MY LAYLEE DAY so nothing else mattered. we saw my mom eventually, and we went by bookstar. it was funny because whenever laylee and i used to hang out, we would always default to poplar plaza. i don't really know why. i can't even remember what we are at bookstar for, but they didn't have it. and since laylee and i have no brains, we couldn't think of anywhere for mom to take us, so she just took us home. we sat around trying to think for a bit. gave up. watched some music videos. had to quickly make up our minds, and ended up driving with dad and morgan to rehearsal. we had a 'lovely' experience in the first congo bathrooms before walking to last chance records, where i bought the new distillers, as previously stated. don't even make me talk about the album art.
then we walked around and talked about buying a disposable camera. but laylee thought it would be a waste of money, that she needed to be saving, because the pictures wouldn't be good enough and then she wouldn't want to develop them and something and so on. which was too bad, because the day was SO beautiful and there were SO many little lovely things to photograph. and i had grabbed the video camera, but for some reason we just didn't use it in replacement. we should have, because it would've been better than nothing. but we're nuts. anyway we ended up at pie in the sky, and we each got a slice of pizza and shared a milkshake. laylee, did i pay you back for my half of that milkshake? i can't remember. but anyway, when laylee was paying she turned and asked me who was paying for it. so the owner, lou, knew we were sharing it, and made enough for both of us on purpose. it was the absolute sweetest thing. he brought us two cups and everything. plus it was an absolutely gorgeous, frothful milkshake. mmm. okay. we sat outside in the wonderfulness. there was a man from new york on a bike, in a black and white striped shirt. he was nice. he caught some of my trash when it blew away off the table. we saw him riding around later, too. i hope he had as good a day in midtown as ours.
laylee and i are the same person. we discussed this over lunch. we would live together so damned well. we need to get married. but it was decided that if we dated, we would just be sitting around going "what do YOU want to do" at every moment. i love laylee more than anything. she put her hand in my shirt and told me how perfect my shoulders are. how nobody else trips like me. how my ugly-ass knees are cute. etc etc etc. see! i couldn't be around anyone else for forever. and right now i think she is the only person who really wants to be around me.
after lunch, we went into legba where they were having a used records sale, and laylee bought 3 moody blues albums for kevin, which made him very happy. it was sweet. i got a poster for my family, and a free magazine thing. man that reminds me. what happened to those? oh i think i left them in laylee's bag. laylee, give them back. give them back to me, or i'll-- malephasent?! how do you spell that shit anyway? okay. i would feel bad if we went into legba and didn't buy anything because it's always empty. so i like to buy there, even though i had just gotten something at last chance, so i didn't have the money to get another cd. plus i nearly ended up wasting a bunch of money, because i accidentally left my distillers cd IN legba, and didn't realize it for a couple hours. haha whats wrong with me.
we got out of there eventually, and walked down cooper for a couple blocks. outside the old last chance, we stopped for a minute, just talking and dancing around. these cute little boys walked by, and we said hello. i don't know why i'm mentioning them, because we said hello to a lot of people. but i liked these little boys. they kept turning around to look at us after they passed. so we realized we were standing next to the thing that used to be train tracks over cooper? (it's the one that they tried to make pretty, by putting that disgusting public art of the buildings over it. i wish somebody would grafitti those damn things.) well, the tracks are still there, but the part that goes over the street is fenced off, probably with good reason. i had always wanted to go up, though, so we ran across the street, left our jackets lying on the ground, and climbed up the hill for a looksie. we found that the old tracks are still there, but are completely covered up with plants and fallen trees. it was interesting, so we followed them for a little ways. there was also a little hill over the other side of the tracks. one place in particular looked less high up, or less steep, or something than the rest of the way. we sort of peered over it for a bit. then laylee was like "i'm just going to go down a little ways." so of course we ended up sliding down the side of the hill/cliff. i left the camera and all our stuff up at the top, and we didn't even think about how we'd get back up. that was completely beside the point. so we walked back towards the way we'd come, and looked at the grafitti. makes you wish you'd brought your own spray paint. i wish i was cool enough to draw a mushroom and write 'LSD' over it. or "i heart the beastie boys." too bad i'm not. it was very great fun tramping through the everything. it felt like going through the woods in georgia, only you could hear all these cars going by. very strange. you'd never think this little area of immense green-ity existed behind some train tracks, you know? it was so nice. there was another place where the hill was less steep, and i climbed back up to find this absolutely GREAT little hiding place. it was like a little cave that these bushes made... i wish we'd taken pictures of all these things. when laylee caught up, we sat in it for a minute. it was so nice. then she decided to try to get back up to the railroad tracks from the groundie ground because the bushes we were sitting under were so thick. she climbed up on these cement blocks that block the little hideaway from the street, while i slid under and through some bushes to get back up to the thingie thing. she said that her view was nice, so we went and sat on the edge of the blocks and watched cars and people go by. i said hello to a woman who was walking across the street, but she just gave me a not-nice look. and aside from that, none of hte other pedestrians noticed us. or maybe they were too used to kids doing that, but I'VE never actually seen anyone sitting up there before. we just sat up there for a good while. kevin called a couple times, and i lay there while laylee talked to him. what a beautiful day too. after a while we got nervous that people were going to take our jackets. it wouldn't have been that big of a deal, but laylee has no winter clothes, and that jacket wasn't even hers to begin with. so we started back, and i went to get the camera and things. a man walked by and asked laylee if those were our jackets. it was funny. he said he was going to take them, and he watched us psuedo-slide down the hill. it made it slightly awkward. but everything was still there and whatnot. and my distillers cd was still in legba when we went back there. it gives me faith in the good people of midtown.
man i really hope i'm not ruining this moment by writing about it. i just thought of that. fuck me. laylee, make me delete this if it does.
but we were COMPLETELY covered with seeds when we got out. i had at least 4 different kinds of sticky seeds on me. they were really nice, so i didn't take them off. i put quite a few new rips in my skirt, too. i was too excited, i think. i ran all around and things were catching everywhere, but i didn't care. oh well, as long as it still fits around my waist i am cool. there will be no skirt left before i stop wearing it.
we didn't really go where we were going after that, so we just sort of hung out at this corner for a while. the one next to that fucking creepy frog. ew. we ended up turning the corner and walking on the street that isn't cooper, simply because we didn't remember what was down there. i think it was just houses. but we saw that jay kid. we pretended to wait for a bus that wasn't coming, because it was a speed limit sign, not a bus stop sign. it was good.
so we got back on cooper and saw another train bridge. we contemplated how one would go about getting up to it, but decided that we shouldn't do it because it would ruin the adventure-ness of the first one, so we walked past it down to peabody park or whatever it's called, and swang on the swings. i love swings with laylee. then some fucking awful southern kids came, and we died. it was okay, because i continued to sing loudly and be an ass. we realized that it was almost 3:30 and brock's art class ended at 4, so we should make plans to do something quick with him and kevin, before laylee and kevin went to see kill bill at 5. since kevin was supposed to pick up laylee and i at 4, everything would be lovely. i was worried about calling brock on his cell phone, because what if he hadn't turned it off and it rang in the middle of class, and the teacher gave him the evil eye, etc, etc. i don't really know what the atmosphere in that kind of class is like. but i called him anyway, thinking i could just leave him a voicemail message or something. but he fucking picked up. as it turns out, he had walked out of class to call me, and had just got off the phone with my parent. how funny is that? i love the boy. swoon. anyway, he the plan was dubbed good, and i was in a wonderful beautiful mood so i was being very loud and laughity. i don't think he enjoyed it too much. people need to tell me when to shut up, sometimes. i wonder if i would.
after a while of swinging and listening to the annoying southern girls, we decided that yes indeed it WOULD be worth it to go up to the train tracks. plus there was a really nice little path up from the park, and all. so we climbed up it and i filmed laylee walking around on the tracks a little bit. it was cool because there was actually a train up on one of the tracks, and it was strange to think that we were on tracks that are actually USED and everything. we ventured out onto the part of the tracks that goes over the street, and we could actually see cars under our feet. it was insane. there was one hole between 2 tracks that was bigger than the other ones, and something insane made me completely unafraid, and i wanted to sit in it. but laylee was practical and wouldn't let me. looking back, i was completely nuts. imagine being the car going under the pass thing and seeing up some girl's skirt. christ, have some dignity. anyway we made it to the other side, where we sat next to some beautiful caution tape and discussed how some pictures we would have taken if we had had a camera. i had left jerry and all our shit on the other side of the bridge, and it didn't really feel appropriate to go back for a video camera, when we really wanted a regular one. but it would've been so nice. maybe we'll go back one day... at one point those awful girls followed us, climbed up on the train, and promptly left. like they were trying to be the adventure and it wasn't working out for htem. well fuck that. it was really funny because when they were leaving the park, they saw us up on the tracks across the street. ahahaha. laylee said one of them waved. a little while after we lost sight of them, they all screamed at the same time. laylee made a great comment about how they probably almost got hit by a car because they didn't know how to walk around midtown right. BWAHAHAH stupid creepy bitches. eventually kevin drove by (under?) and we waved and he grinned. what a beautiful grin. i love the mountain man. he climbed up also, but we had to leave because kevin had been later than we expected and brock was waiting for us. i feel really bad about telling brock that kevin would get him and not telling kevin that we ewre getting brock. anyway, by the time we'd picked up brock, it was too late to do anything before the movie, so brock and i just got dropped off at my house and that was that.
brock looked so very art in all black and very fall and beautiful. we hung out at my house. we sat outside for a while, and he put people's phone numbers into his new phone and we talked and etc. we came in, and he got online to talk to lauren d. i went back to the bathroom, and i started to hear this buzzing. i figured there was a fly racketing around my room, so i stopped walking to find it. the noise stopped. i started to walk again, and the buzzing came back. then i got this reallly weird notion that it was coming from me, so i took off my skirt as carefully as i could whilst going nuts, and this absolutely MASSIVE bumblee crawled out. i ran around the room pantless and screamed until mom came and got rid of it. it was quite exciting, though. i guess it was attracted to all my seeds? mom thought it had crawled in and gone to sleep. how nuts. i couldn't even feel it.
then brock did my hair. it was gorgeous. we also tried to call a few people but they were all busy. so of course we just ended up at sonic. sigh. we made a lot of friends there, though. there were these kids in their car who were very obviously watching us. i don't blame them or anything, it's really easy/fun to watch whoever is eating outside at sonic. but we played it up, and it was too much fun. we performed the best time ever, with hugely gestured hand movements in our conversations. at one point, we just randomly turned to their stupid fucking car and gwilked at them. it was amazingly great. brock waved as they were leaving, but they didn't wave back. asses.
my server had pink hair. she was awesome. i need to work at sonic.
two girls in a car across the damned parking lot were calling to us, and so we walked over. they thought that my yellow skirt was a spongebob skirt. i told them it was not, but that my new goal in life was to get one. they still thought the skirt was cute, and asked where i got it. i LOVED being able to say "oh my aunt made this when she was in high school." i felt awesome. i bet they were just being polite, though.
brock got a sundae thing, and is insane. he gave me the fucking ice cream off the top of it, and wiped the whipped cream off the rest. he is fucking nuts. but i was more than grateful for the ice cream. woowoo. shit i had a lot of ice cream yesterday! i had that milkshake, half of brock's sundae, and some chocolate later at home. god i'm such a pig! that has got to stop.
we came home, to find mom downloading "wuthering heights" by kate bush, which was supposedly my first favorite rock song. so mom had to play it for brock of course. it is way too high for me to sing. plus i think i lost some of my vocal chords a couple weeks ago when i was sick.. it's really too bad. but i love knowing that ms. bush wrote the song when she was 14, and recorded it when she was 16. how fucking awesome is that?! and thinking that since then, she's been making records. god what a great life. too bad i'm cursed with no musical talent, because if i had some, i would be all over shit. you know. with a band. and albums. and talent. le sigh.
so mom and dad played some more songs for brock, and then i played some music videos for everyone, because they are my passion lately. it was fun. then we put on this movie called "mystery train" which was set and filmed in memphis. it wasn't very good, though. brock had to leave in the middle, unfortunately. it's too bad that he has to leave so early on Nights... even earlier than when i would've been taken home when elise used to be the eternal ride. but it's always okay, because the Night has started earlier. it's really strange to think that a lot of last year's saturday nights didn't even begin until like 7 or something. how nuts.
20 minutes or something after brock had left, mom out of nowhere said "i don't know why brock puts up with you. you're so mean." we hadn't been talking about brock, and i hadn't been doing anything mean. in fact, we had just been sitting there watching the movie since he walked out the door. it was really strange, and thinking that it was true made me feel really shitty. especially because of part of a conversation we'd had earlier, after we called people and no one was home. brock was saying he felt like he didn't know anybody, and that of course i didn't count. i think the last few weekends he has been really restless with this routine we've picked up of just hanging out at my house and sometimes taking in a movie. i mean i know he's been enjoying himself at least a little, because for one thing he keeps coming back. but we're severely in need of a car. and then i think, when brock can drive will i still even be in the picture? and if i am, will that just be because i don't count as anybody, and he doesn't think he'll have anyone else to be with? i don't know. but i don't know why he does put up with me, sine i really am so mean and all that. i don't know. i really need to learn to be nicer. the other day after school i was depressed and wondering who i have become. i mean, i have always been critical and everything, but mostly never just dead-on mean, and making jokes at other people's expense. that was never who i was, because i have always been the person on the other end. and then i look at some things i say, or some things i laugh at, and get really upset with myself. so i want that to stop. and i want to be less stupid with my family, and i want to be less mean in general. and i want to talk less. yes. brock says i dominate conversations, and i need not to. please kill me when i do these things. shit. guys. look at me rambling. do you realize this post has taken me like an 53 fucking hours to write? no seriously it took like 2. god damn it. and after so much fucking writing, i didn't even end on a positive note. fuck this shit.
me and laylee are going to get married and live together and not die. that is, unless she hates me eternally for letting her see kill bill... fuck that, it's going to be good. there will be no joint suicide. there will be only pretty.
listening to: the distillers - for tonight you're only here to know
my wonderful mother, being my wonderful mother, knew that i needed chocolate for the test. she did something similar last year, only last year she found some hershey's kisses in our house someplace. this year, she looked around but couldn't find any, so she packed me a little tupperware full of chocolate chips. they were a huge hit. elise ate them very quickly. probably because she dropped most of them. they made becca very happy. i offered them all around, and i don't understand why some people didn't accept them. there are some things i will never understand.
so there was a little time to hang out and talk to kids a bit before we left. i think a bunch of kids had decided to go to lunch somewhere or something. it would've been fun to go, but it was MY LAYLEE DAY so nothing else mattered. we saw my mom eventually, and we went by bookstar. it was funny because whenever laylee and i used to hang out, we would always default to poplar plaza. i don't really know why. i can't even remember what we are at bookstar for, but they didn't have it. and since laylee and i have no brains, we couldn't think of anywhere for mom to take us, so she just took us home. we sat around trying to think for a bit. gave up. watched some music videos. had to quickly make up our minds, and ended up driving with dad and morgan to rehearsal. we had a 'lovely' experience in the first congo bathrooms before walking to last chance records, where i bought the new distillers, as previously stated. don't even make me talk about the album art.
then we walked around and talked about buying a disposable camera. but laylee thought it would be a waste of money, that she needed to be saving, because the pictures wouldn't be good enough and then she wouldn't want to develop them and something and so on. which was too bad, because the day was SO beautiful and there were SO many little lovely things to photograph. and i had grabbed the video camera, but for some reason we just didn't use it in replacement. we should have, because it would've been better than nothing. but we're nuts. anyway we ended up at pie in the sky, and we each got a slice of pizza and shared a milkshake. laylee, did i pay you back for my half of that milkshake? i can't remember. but anyway, when laylee was paying she turned and asked me who was paying for it. so the owner, lou, knew we were sharing it, and made enough for both of us on purpose. it was the absolute sweetest thing. he brought us two cups and everything. plus it was an absolutely gorgeous, frothful milkshake. mmm. okay. we sat outside in the wonderfulness. there was a man from new york on a bike, in a black and white striped shirt. he was nice. he caught some of my trash when it blew away off the table. we saw him riding around later, too. i hope he had as good a day in midtown as ours.
laylee and i are the same person. we discussed this over lunch. we would live together so damned well. we need to get married. but it was decided that if we dated, we would just be sitting around going "what do YOU want to do" at every moment. i love laylee more than anything. she put her hand in my shirt and told me how perfect my shoulders are. how nobody else trips like me. how my ugly-ass knees are cute. etc etc etc. see! i couldn't be around anyone else for forever. and right now i think she is the only person who really wants to be around me.
after lunch, we went into legba where they were having a used records sale, and laylee bought 3 moody blues albums for kevin, which made him very happy. it was sweet. i got a poster for my family, and a free magazine thing. man that reminds me. what happened to those? oh i think i left them in laylee's bag. laylee, give them back. give them back to me, or i'll-- malephasent?! how do you spell that shit anyway? okay. i would feel bad if we went into legba and didn't buy anything because it's always empty. so i like to buy there, even though i had just gotten something at last chance, so i didn't have the money to get another cd. plus i nearly ended up wasting a bunch of money, because i accidentally left my distillers cd IN legba, and didn't realize it for a couple hours. haha whats wrong with me.
we got out of there eventually, and walked down cooper for a couple blocks. outside the old last chance, we stopped for a minute, just talking and dancing around. these cute little boys walked by, and we said hello. i don't know why i'm mentioning them, because we said hello to a lot of people. but i liked these little boys. they kept turning around to look at us after they passed. so we realized we were standing next to the thing that used to be train tracks over cooper? (it's the one that they tried to make pretty, by putting that disgusting public art of the buildings over it. i wish somebody would grafitti those damn things.) well, the tracks are still there, but the part that goes over the street is fenced off, probably with good reason. i had always wanted to go up, though, so we ran across the street, left our jackets lying on the ground, and climbed up the hill for a looksie. we found that the old tracks are still there, but are completely covered up with plants and fallen trees. it was interesting, so we followed them for a little ways. there was also a little hill over the other side of the tracks. one place in particular looked less high up, or less steep, or something than the rest of the way. we sort of peered over it for a bit. then laylee was like "i'm just going to go down a little ways." so of course we ended up sliding down the side of the hill/cliff. i left the camera and all our stuff up at the top, and we didn't even think about how we'd get back up. that was completely beside the point. so we walked back towards the way we'd come, and looked at the grafitti. makes you wish you'd brought your own spray paint. i wish i was cool enough to draw a mushroom and write 'LSD' over it. or "i heart the beastie boys." too bad i'm not. it was very great fun tramping through the everything. it felt like going through the woods in georgia, only you could hear all these cars going by. very strange. you'd never think this little area of immense green-ity existed behind some train tracks, you know? it was so nice. there was another place where the hill was less steep, and i climbed back up to find this absolutely GREAT little hiding place. it was like a little cave that these bushes made... i wish we'd taken pictures of all these things. when laylee caught up, we sat in it for a minute. it was so nice. then she decided to try to get back up to the railroad tracks from the groundie ground because the bushes we were sitting under were so thick. she climbed up on these cement blocks that block the little hideaway from the street, while i slid under and through some bushes to get back up to the thingie thing. she said that her view was nice, so we went and sat on the edge of the blocks and watched cars and people go by. i said hello to a woman who was walking across the street, but she just gave me a not-nice look. and aside from that, none of hte other pedestrians noticed us. or maybe they were too used to kids doing that, but I'VE never actually seen anyone sitting up there before. we just sat up there for a good while. kevin called a couple times, and i lay there while laylee talked to him. what a beautiful day too. after a while we got nervous that people were going to take our jackets. it wouldn't have been that big of a deal, but laylee has no winter clothes, and that jacket wasn't even hers to begin with. so we started back, and i went to get the camera and things. a man walked by and asked laylee if those were our jackets. it was funny. he said he was going to take them, and he watched us psuedo-slide down the hill. it made it slightly awkward. but everything was still there and whatnot. and my distillers cd was still in legba when we went back there. it gives me faith in the good people of midtown.
man i really hope i'm not ruining this moment by writing about it. i just thought of that. fuck me. laylee, make me delete this if it does.
but we were COMPLETELY covered with seeds when we got out. i had at least 4 different kinds of sticky seeds on me. they were really nice, so i didn't take them off. i put quite a few new rips in my skirt, too. i was too excited, i think. i ran all around and things were catching everywhere, but i didn't care. oh well, as long as it still fits around my waist i am cool. there will be no skirt left before i stop wearing it.
we didn't really go where we were going after that, so we just sort of hung out at this corner for a while. the one next to that fucking creepy frog. ew. we ended up turning the corner and walking on the street that isn't cooper, simply because we didn't remember what was down there. i think it was just houses. but we saw that jay kid. we pretended to wait for a bus that wasn't coming, because it was a speed limit sign, not a bus stop sign. it was good.
so we got back on cooper and saw another train bridge. we contemplated how one would go about getting up to it, but decided that we shouldn't do it because it would ruin the adventure-ness of the first one, so we walked past it down to peabody park or whatever it's called, and swang on the swings. i love swings with laylee. then some fucking awful southern kids came, and we died. it was okay, because i continued to sing loudly and be an ass. we realized that it was almost 3:30 and brock's art class ended at 4, so we should make plans to do something quick with him and kevin, before laylee and kevin went to see kill bill at 5. since kevin was supposed to pick up laylee and i at 4, everything would be lovely. i was worried about calling brock on his cell phone, because what if he hadn't turned it off and it rang in the middle of class, and the teacher gave him the evil eye, etc, etc. i don't really know what the atmosphere in that kind of class is like. but i called him anyway, thinking i could just leave him a voicemail message or something. but he fucking picked up. as it turns out, he had walked out of class to call me, and had just got off the phone with my parent. how funny is that? i love the boy. swoon. anyway, he the plan was dubbed good, and i was in a wonderful beautiful mood so i was being very loud and laughity. i don't think he enjoyed it too much. people need to tell me when to shut up, sometimes. i wonder if i would.
after a while of swinging and listening to the annoying southern girls, we decided that yes indeed it WOULD be worth it to go up to the train tracks. plus there was a really nice little path up from the park, and all. so we climbed up it and i filmed laylee walking around on the tracks a little bit. it was cool because there was actually a train up on one of the tracks, and it was strange to think that we were on tracks that are actually USED and everything. we ventured out onto the part of the tracks that goes over the street, and we could actually see cars under our feet. it was insane. there was one hole between 2 tracks that was bigger than the other ones, and something insane made me completely unafraid, and i wanted to sit in it. but laylee was practical and wouldn't let me. looking back, i was completely nuts. imagine being the car going under the pass thing and seeing up some girl's skirt. christ, have some dignity. anyway we made it to the other side, where we sat next to some beautiful caution tape and discussed how some pictures we would have taken if we had had a camera. i had left jerry and all our shit on the other side of the bridge, and it didn't really feel appropriate to go back for a video camera, when we really wanted a regular one. but it would've been so nice. maybe we'll go back one day... at one point those awful girls followed us, climbed up on the train, and promptly left. like they were trying to be the adventure and it wasn't working out for htem. well fuck that. it was really funny because when they were leaving the park, they saw us up on the tracks across the street. ahahaha. laylee said one of them waved. a little while after we lost sight of them, they all screamed at the same time. laylee made a great comment about how they probably almost got hit by a car because they didn't know how to walk around midtown right. BWAHAHAH stupid creepy bitches. eventually kevin drove by (under?) and we waved and he grinned. what a beautiful grin. i love the mountain man. he climbed up also, but we had to leave because kevin had been later than we expected and brock was waiting for us. i feel really bad about telling brock that kevin would get him and not telling kevin that we ewre getting brock. anyway, by the time we'd picked up brock, it was too late to do anything before the movie, so brock and i just got dropped off at my house and that was that.
brock looked so very art in all black and very fall and beautiful. we hung out at my house. we sat outside for a while, and he put people's phone numbers into his new phone and we talked and etc. we came in, and he got online to talk to lauren d. i went back to the bathroom, and i started to hear this buzzing. i figured there was a fly racketing around my room, so i stopped walking to find it. the noise stopped. i started to walk again, and the buzzing came back. then i got this reallly weird notion that it was coming from me, so i took off my skirt as carefully as i could whilst going nuts, and this absolutely MASSIVE bumblee crawled out. i ran around the room pantless and screamed until mom came and got rid of it. it was quite exciting, though. i guess it was attracted to all my seeds? mom thought it had crawled in and gone to sleep. how nuts. i couldn't even feel it.
then brock did my hair. it was gorgeous. we also tried to call a few people but they were all busy. so of course we just ended up at sonic. sigh. we made a lot of friends there, though. there were these kids in their car who were very obviously watching us. i don't blame them or anything, it's really easy/fun to watch whoever is eating outside at sonic. but we played it up, and it was too much fun. we performed the best time ever, with hugely gestured hand movements in our conversations. at one point, we just randomly turned to their stupid fucking car and gwilked at them. it was amazingly great. brock waved as they were leaving, but they didn't wave back. asses.
my server had pink hair. she was awesome. i need to work at sonic.
two girls in a car across the damned parking lot were calling to us, and so we walked over. they thought that my yellow skirt was a spongebob skirt. i told them it was not, but that my new goal in life was to get one. they still thought the skirt was cute, and asked where i got it. i LOVED being able to say "oh my aunt made this when she was in high school." i felt awesome. i bet they were just being polite, though.
brock got a sundae thing, and is insane. he gave me the fucking ice cream off the top of it, and wiped the whipped cream off the rest. he is fucking nuts. but i was more than grateful for the ice cream. woowoo. shit i had a lot of ice cream yesterday! i had that milkshake, half of brock's sundae, and some chocolate later at home. god i'm such a pig! that has got to stop.
we came home, to find mom downloading "wuthering heights" by kate bush, which was supposedly my first favorite rock song. so mom had to play it for brock of course. it is way too high for me to sing. plus i think i lost some of my vocal chords a couple weeks ago when i was sick.. it's really too bad. but i love knowing that ms. bush wrote the song when she was 14, and recorded it when she was 16. how fucking awesome is that?! and thinking that since then, she's been making records. god what a great life. too bad i'm cursed with no musical talent, because if i had some, i would be all over shit. you know. with a band. and albums. and talent. le sigh.
so mom and dad played some more songs for brock, and then i played some music videos for everyone, because they are my passion lately. it was fun. then we put on this movie called "mystery train" which was set and filmed in memphis. it wasn't very good, though. brock had to leave in the middle, unfortunately. it's too bad that he has to leave so early on Nights... even earlier than when i would've been taken home when elise used to be the eternal ride. but it's always okay, because the Night has started earlier. it's really strange to think that a lot of last year's saturday nights didn't even begin until like 7 or something. how nuts.
20 minutes or something after brock had left, mom out of nowhere said "i don't know why brock puts up with you. you're so mean." we hadn't been talking about brock, and i hadn't been doing anything mean. in fact, we had just been sitting there watching the movie since he walked out the door. it was really strange, and thinking that it was true made me feel really shitty. especially because of part of a conversation we'd had earlier, after we called people and no one was home. brock was saying he felt like he didn't know anybody, and that of course i didn't count. i think the last few weekends he has been really restless with this routine we've picked up of just hanging out at my house and sometimes taking in a movie. i mean i know he's been enjoying himself at least a little, because for one thing he keeps coming back. but we're severely in need of a car. and then i think, when brock can drive will i still even be in the picture? and if i am, will that just be because i don't count as anybody, and he doesn't think he'll have anyone else to be with? i don't know. but i don't know why he does put up with me, sine i really am so mean and all that. i don't know. i really need to learn to be nicer. the other day after school i was depressed and wondering who i have become. i mean, i have always been critical and everything, but mostly never just dead-on mean, and making jokes at other people's expense. that was never who i was, because i have always been the person on the other end. and then i look at some things i say, or some things i laugh at, and get really upset with myself. so i want that to stop. and i want to be less stupid with my family, and i want to be less mean in general. and i want to talk less. yes. brock says i dominate conversations, and i need not to. please kill me when i do these things. shit. guys. look at me rambling. do you realize this post has taken me like an 53 fucking hours to write? no seriously it took like 2. god damn it. and after so much fucking writing, i didn't even end on a positive note. fuck this shit.
me and laylee are going to get married and live together and not die. that is, unless she hates me eternally for letting her see kill bill... fuck that, it's going to be good. there will be no joint suicide. there will be only pretty.
listening to: the distillers - for tonight you're only here to know
listening to the new distillers album. i was really enjoying this song and it felt all great and whatnot until i looked at the title and realized she's screaming "TELL ME SOMETHING. WILL I DIE WILL I DIE ON A ROPE?" and something about bleeding from the neck.
the whole album is a little like this... i want to read the lyrics, because normally brody is clever and i like them. but i feel like if i do that with this album, i won't like the songs anymore. how shitty is that. i'm very put out. someone else come do it for me and tell me whether it is okay to read them of not.
listening to: the distillers - die on a rope
the whole album is a little like this... i want to read the lyrics, because normally brody is clever and i like them. but i feel like if i do that with this album, i won't like the songs anymore. how shitty is that. i'm very put out. someone else come do it for me and tell me whether it is okay to read them of not.
listening to: the distillers - die on a rope
Friday, October 17, 2003
saw kill bill with brock tonight.
can't remember much about today. only it was fastish, and i did better on my math test than i thought i had. woo.
psats tomorrow. am supposed to hang with one miss laylee, but i don't know any details. therefore i might just be at school for like 5 hours waiting for something to happen, and it won't be happening.
can't remember much about today. only it was fastish, and i did better on my math test than i thought i had. woo.
psats tomorrow. am supposed to hang with one miss laylee, but i don't know any details. therefore i might just be at school for like 5 hours waiting for something to happen, and it won't be happening.
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