i hate tonight. after i posted last, i gave up on anything and went back to my room to take a dark nap and listen to sad sad jeff buckley. i didn't sleep for long, because there were suddenly the huge noises of three 13/14-year-olds invading the kitchen. even with the music, the pillow over my head, and being rooms and rooms away, i felt like they were right next to me. at one point morgan stormed in, turned on the light, and harassed me with questions. i can't remember what she first came in to tell me, but she kept asking what was wrong and i would say nothing, go away over and over. she wouldn't stop asking or bumbling around on me and i think she felt under my eye to see if i was crying. i wasn't, of course. i was just really unhappy and wanting to sleep. i hate that i can't even be alone in my house. i really want to get out of here, even if i am alone but i can't think of anywhere to go. i really wish i wasn't here.

listening to: "the two towers" and commentaries from the peanut gallery

i just pulled a total Last Year. i had another orthodontist appointment after school, so again i couldn't go with brock and alice and whoever after school. i got back at like 3, and called brock's cell right away. he didn't pick up there or at home. so i tried calling again a minute ago. he said they are at huey's. by then i didn't really know why i called. yes, i wanted to hang out. no, i didn't want to ASK them to come get me, especially if they didn't want me there enough to offer to pick me up. no, i didn't make it apparent that i wish i was there. no, i didn't say i'd try to get a ride once mom gets home.
i am really annoyed with myself. i'm going to be home alone all night.

listening to: lucero - tears don't matter much

HAHAHAHAH

this shit never gets old

i am going to try to catch up on the weekend since i'm so awful.
on saturday i woke up at about 12:30, i think, and watched two towers with mom + morgan and had phish food ice cream for breakfast. it was hella awesome. i love mama. mom started to fall asleep, so we only watched the first disc. then i got online for a little bit before laylee called around 2:30 and we got to talk for a while before we worked on making plans for getting together. it must've taken for fucking ever because laylee and brock didn't get here until like 6:30. i was sad that the day had been reduced to that sick portion of night, like every single weekend last year. it turned out okay of course. shortly after they arrived and we were trying to figure out what to do, eileen arrived to spend the night. so the five of us went to pie in the sky armed with coupons and had lovely pizza. at one point tarah called and said she would try to get a ride over to us. she didn't show up, and we couldn't reach her on her cell phone. (later i found out that her brother wouldn't give her a ride, she'd lost her cell phone, and was dragged downtown where she had a GREAT time.) we ended up being there for a lot longer than we meant to, and mom had turned into a pumpkin by the time we called home, so dad had to pick us up. we hung out in my room and i turned on lunachicks but no one understood and i played "jan brady" 3 fucking times but no one would listen to the chorus. i basically fell over on the bed so that i could listen to it by myself while other people talked, and i guess laylee thought i was upset so she came over and hugged me awww. i love that laylee loves me. she always assures me that other people do too, but sometimes i can only tell with her. i guess because she is so physical about it, i have to believe her. i do love her. oh oh oh. anyway i guess everyone else thought i was upset too, because they started to dance, to prove that they were listening and they understood the lunachicks. seeing my chance, i started "jan brady" over and made them hear the chorus finally. i hope they fucking got it. and for some reason we had on throwing muses for a bit, too, and i got to dance and it was good. and morgan made some comment about my hips agopiwhpwahgpawiogh. oh we tried to introduce brock to the suicide girls but either he didn't get it or he didn't like it or he wasn't comfortable or... something. it was sad. anyway. we eventually decided to watch "hedwig and the angry inch" which dad had bought at turtle's earlier. brock ended up having to leave in the middle, even though laylee was going to give him a ride home. he didn't really argue because he had to help his mom with something at church in the morning. i know he won't let me loan him the movie because of its subject matter, so i guess we will have to watch the rest here some time. that reminds me. does anyone want to come over and watch "ghost world" with me? i have been wanting to watch it for a long time and for some reason i have not. i mean, i own it, i don't know why i haven't. but i know that last year several people tried to watch it and they all hated it and i want to make them understand. plus i want sallis to see it, because we talked about it that once and he refused to let me loan it to him. by the way, sallis, do you still have my wasteland? i can't remember. and becca, do you still have my diane izzo cd? and frank, do you still have my heart?
laylee and i cuddled on the couch all through the rest of the movie. oh pretty oh pretty. then laylee and i listened to music and whatnot and talked to kevin online until he finally came over to pick her up. she had to go home anyway, and i wish she had spent the night here. no one has spent the night here in forever. i hate to wake up so lonely. that is the one thing that sucks about having a male best friend with anal parents. after laylee left, i just went to sleep because i wasn't really in the mood to stay up all night doing nothing, for once.
i woke up around 12:30 again, i believe. morgan locked me out of the bathroom so i stumbled around blindly until she let me in to get my glasses. eileen looked so fucking adorable all asleep with ervin the bear awwww. i had some breakfast and hung around. eileen and morgan scuttled in eventually. we had some breakfast and hung around. we watched music videos, and determined that jeff buckley has a very close resemblace to brock. actually, eileen said that if brock and i had a kid, it would be jeff buckley. now that is a compliment if i have ever heard one. she'd already complimented brock and i on her blog the day before! "They're both so sexy. I probably have no place saying this, but I think they should be radical movie-star lovers who elope to india. They'd have neat adopted kids who would all join the peace corps." jesus how sweet is that!?! i certainly wouldn't mind that prophecy coming true. here's hoping.
laylee and i decided we should take a yoga class. we're too offended to take the sunday afternoon one at midtown yoga. any suggestions on somewhere else? maybe we'll look into the place sallis goes/went. also brock kept calling on and off all day. it made me really really happy. i don't think i said so. it was great, though. we had made plans to go to this silly battle of the bands at some crazy church, because it was going to be awful. it had to be. with bands featuring JR and davis. shudder. plus, i will do ANYTHING to get out of the house on sunday. sunday is the worst day ever. and i didn't even have any homework this weekend. it was a miracle of god. or mat devine. so we met at walgreen's where brock picked up some film from this summer, and his mom got us an umbrella so that we could cross the street (ahaha) and got me some tapes for my camera. it was very sweet. she said it was to pay me back for helping with brock's french video. she really didn't have to. even though i lost one of the blank tapes in their house. ahaha. so the bands were basically as bad as we expected, but we ended up staying there the whole time which i didn't think we were going to do. they were a lot more diverse than i thought they'd be. JR's band was ska, davis's was really pop, detriment was metal, rustic ruckus was jammy funk, bob sagat trio was 2 former grahamwood guys with acoustic guitars playing a stupid cover medley, and submerged truth was pop punk. plus there was a choir. the whole thing reminded me of the neil's event in that the crowd consisted of the bands' parents, the bands' friends, and the bands' parents' friends. and then there were just some people who went to the church too, i guess. even with a slightly diverse crowd, because of being mostly friends of the band, they were still really ... shitty. the first band that played, all these kids rushed the stage and then just STOOD there. like they've never been to a real show. actually, i guess they haven't. i was wanting really badly to dance the whole night, even if just in the aisle, because dancing to bad music makes it SO much better. i think brock didn't really want to bring attention to us, or he just didn't feel like it, and i'm too dumb to do it alone so we sat there. it was nice though because we got to talk and people-watch a lot. when JR's band went on, we spotted tarah in the "crowd" by the stage and went up. they started playing, and brock and i went nuts. people were so surprised, i don't think they knew how to react. they moved away, so we were left with a huge amount of dancing space. we were everywhere and it was beautiful. i love brock concert dancing. i can't even say. god. after a little bit, i noticed that hunter thompson was dancing next to brock and HAHA that cracked me up. a lot. then abby wilenski appeared and danced as well. and THEN svetlana lapova appeared out of nowhere, got in between me and brock, and basically tried... grinding with him. ewwww it was obscene and i really didn't like it. he half-assed it a little, and then left her to grind by herself. it was pretty funny, especially since she doesn't go nuts like you'd expect to some ska band. she dances pretty. like constant. it's sort of annoying, if you only have one dance and you know you look hot doing it so you do it automatically instead of really feeling the music. because that is literally all i do. morgan thinks i'm a good dancer, but she's silly and she has not been to enough shows. i made lots of eye contact with the trombonist, and after the show i said good job to the very pop-punk saxophone guy. he actually looked at me when i said it, instead of just taking it and walking off. it was really nice, and it made me like him. oh, brock said that when we started to dance and stuff he thought he heard JR say "now that's what i like to see" from the stage, and that some girls turned around to look at us. i didn't notice that though. my favorite band was rustic ruckus, because the phish bassist was this adorable rockstar kid. he was so great. afterwards, i told him he was the only real rockstar there, that he had a stance and everything. that i didn't know why i was there, but thank you. he looked really surprised, not arrogant, and that made me like him. and the church people gave us free water. thank you church people. the other bands were basically not very intersting. during davis' band, brock wiggled 4 of his toes out of the hole in his sock. i poked them. his toes are really soft, and i love them. we basically toe/hand-ed all through their set. they weren't good though, so it doesn't matter. i can't even remember who won, except for rustic ruckus. when they played again, brock and i went down to the almost-front, but still in the aisle and danced NUTS. we both had to take off our jackets and our glasses and it was funny and great. i think a lady filmed us a little. the song was really schizo so there was all kinds of different dancing available to be done. man that was great. dancing will always make life so much better. i should do it more often. i loved getting to hang out with brock. and people watch and dance. i love the boy. melt melt melt.
today was blegh except for that we only have a 2-day week and my kill hannah cd came. hoorah.

listening to: kill hannah - no one dreams anyway

MY KILL HANNAH CD + FAN PACK FOR ONLY $11.99 CAME TODAY!! GWHAHAHAH

listening to: kill hannah - they can't save us now

why do i suck at blogging and where are hte headphones?!

I scored a 67% on the "How Memphis Are You?" Quizie! What about you?

listening to: the bens - wickled little town

hooray! brock and laylee are on their way over. i'm excited. anyone can join, if you feel the need. this weekend is good, and then we have thanksgiving. weeeoooo.

listening to: the moldy peaches - jorge regula

i think my head's in heaven

today was pretty damn good. school felt sort of silly and very far off, like i wasn't actually there. the day wasn't that long. i think i did better on my math test than i was anticipating. i think i failed latin though. oh well. after school, brock and i had decided to just sort of walk around and hang out for a bit. ezra wheeler turned around and waved to me at the crosswalk. it was nice. he loaned me a pencil in algae. brock and i ended up going to the mall to get some food, because we're just that punk. right as we were walking in, the gratzes pulled up next to us to drop off lydia. it was funny. we talked to william for a couple minutes. he was on his way to have his wisdom teeth pulled. i am so lucky with no wisdom teeth... but it doesn't really count because i still had TERRIBLE oral surgery last summer. shudder. all i remember is amelie and organic macaroni and bubble fish. the point is. while we were eating, robin and katherine w showed up to steal brock's cell phone. it was nice to see them. we sort of loosely talked about doing something later, but robin never called us and we never called her. so i don't know. maybe tomorrow... after they left, we walked to davis-kidd. it was really really nice. we were there for quite a while. there were adorable japanese girls, two cute little boys, and even an eileen mushroom. it was great. we looked at language books, art magazines, photography, muscle men. we talked and split a piece of "chocolate spoon lovin'" cake. we also called laylee and becca to see if they wanted to hang out, but becca's sister was coming into town and they had to eat dinner as a family. they were supposed to call us back later, and forgot to, so we didn't see them or hear from them at all. somehow i feel like brock and i did a lot MORE at davis-kidd, but i guess not. it was very nice at any rate. i love the boy. his mom picked us up, took us to blockbuster, and then back to their house. brock translated some french magazines to me and we looked at gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous pictures (people). we were looking at this article on like. sex in cinema. and since i couldn't read it i could only comment on the pictures. then we started just discussing the models in the ads. then brock was like "oh oh oh" and got out this like. french fashion magazine, saying "there is one guy in here who you are going to love." so we flipped through the whole magazine very carefully, studying everyone scrupulously. near the very end, brock pointed to this totally androgynous little guy and says "this is the one i thought you'd like" and i squealed to death. partly because the man was beautiful, and partly becuse brock knew i'd like him. it was nice. brock said he'd never had anyone to look at his magazines with before and i was glad that we did. i love talking about people with brock, because ... we're both so damn bi. it's completely perfect. then we went downstairs and i started to get some ice cream. i noticed brock watching me, doing that adorably sheepy smile. and i was like "what?!" and he made fun of how i use the ice cream scoop. ahhahahaa. well. he does do it much better than me. we were being really silly and i think i was probably loud, and i think we were disturbing his parents watching some nuts sci-fi scary fillum. sorry, terwillegers. we had to watch our movie (venus beauty institute, featuring the adorable audrey tautou) in wesley's room. it was funny. as i've said, brock and i are very intense in movies. it's too much fun. it makes movies so much more entertaining, when you're really into them. to the extent that you're gripping someone's arm and biting pillows. and we're not talking about thrillers. speaking of. allison did her michael jackson impression english class today. it was fucking awesome. after the movie, we sat around and listened to music and whatnot. then we watched degrassi and some music videos and whosits. my dad came at like 12:45, which was awesome. today was such a great brock day. i really hope he had as good of a time as i did. but i think he did. it was pretty perfect. i didn't mind that much that we didn't get to see anyone else. i think i enjoy brock's company more when we're alone. maybe it just depends who else is around. but everyone knows i get jealous so fucking easy... oh one bad thing was that with all the beautiful models and everything, and brock's newly voiced extreme confidence about his appearance, i felt so ugly all night long. i mean, it wasn't like every five seconds i whined about being a hag. actually i didn't say anything at all. but i didn't THINK it every five seconds either, it was just a general feeling. which i obviously didn't really like. i guess i should be prettier. i started thinking 'well what the fuck alanna you sit there and whine that youre so fucking ugly and you dont do anything about it. you STILL don't buy clothes ever or wear make up or shave your legs or brush your hair. so what the fuck do you expect?' and that's about it. but it makes me feel really silly anyway. oh yeah, but brock and i did the great thing we do a lot where we both start singing the same song at the same time. like 203597 times. i like it that we are doing that again. it's insane and it amazes me every time. god i love brock. man i bet that is all i talk about. well. shit. laylee, if this every becomes what brittany and i lovingly referred to as 'the kyle blog' please let me know. shit guys. i know you guys want to read about it. fucka.
listening to: tattle tale - take ten

today i woke up feeling great, because of being done with my research paper. to some extent, today would've been better if it wasn't physics day. it meant that most all my friend-ishes were absent. but it also meant that most of my classes were really small, which was cool. that's about it. brock told me the secret of who won the scribbler "obsessions" contest but i can't tell. i feel so privileged!!! i love it. brock called me twice today. see? we really are going back to that old thing. it's very nice. i didn't have much homework, but i have an algebra test tomorrow that i am going to fail. it was pretty funny because brock tried to help me, and normally he's the one who is utterly lost. i'm worried about it, because i feel like it's not just one test... not only will it affect my comprehension on the material for the rest of the year, i feel like this is just going to be the first shit i don't get and from here on i won't get anything at all. welcome to the new pattern. hooray.

listening to: scratch acid - ain't that love?

THE GITS OH MY F UCKKING GOD

AM FINISHED. PAPER IS APRINTIN.
START TIME: 4:30
STOP TIME: 11:45
BREAKS: HALF HOUR PHONE WITH BROCK. 1 HOUR DINNER. 1 HOUR PHONE WITH BROCK.


OH MY GOD.
THIS IS THE FASTEST I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.
I MEAN. I COULD GO TO BED AND BE LIKE. ASLEEP.
OR I COULD DO OTHER HOMEWORK.
THIS IS NUTS.
WOW

i write a letter every day
i send it to your vein
you whisper words i cannot face
i'm singing in my chains

i'm about to start on my Day of Death and undertake the seemingly impossible task of writing an entire research paper in a single evening. wish me luck. dan ying said it would take 3 hours.... it took laylee all weekend, and she stayed up all night on sunday to finish. we'll see, we'll see. but i already have a damn headache, and i'm starving. i'm gonna get a peppah.

HOW ARE JOEY RAMONE'S LEGS SO IMPOSSIBLY LONG AND SKINNY? god i love the man.
today wasn't awful. i felt really dumb all day. probably because of shitty grades i've been getting. and then something else. i don't know what but it made me feel really stupid too. plus i finally remembered to make up my history map test, but as climbed out of the stairwell, ervin was walking away down the hall. so i ran back down the stairs. i can't believe i'm so stupid. again. aggugh.
oh yeah, it was MIXITUP day at lunch. they've been promoting it for like two weeks. it's supposed to be this day where you sit with a different group of people than your normal one. to promote tolerance or something. as if that isn't silly enough, my ret@rd*d school made it worse. when you walked into the cafeteria, you were given a little square of colored paper and you were asked to sit at a table that matched the color. you didn't have to, or anything, but rather than promoting just the concept of sitting with someone new, you were basically forced to. it was such a piece of shit. anyway, our regular table (minus nisha, praise god) sat at the color table that brock and katherine had been assigned to. there were two girls sitting there already, and we talked to them a little. one of them's name is linda and i asked to see her bag, so that i could read the pins. she had ones for atom and his package, pedro the lion, coheed and cambria... i was really impressed but she just sort of shrugged or something. it made me wonder if she actually liked the bands, or if someone just gave her the pins. also, mark fucking bolding sat down next to sallis. ho is that for awkward? poor sallis. i couldn't tell if the rest of the people that ended up there usually sat together or not. so i guess we mixed it up a little, but it was mostly awkward, and mostly me and brock talking. oh well. it seemed like the day was pretty awkward for everyone. or cruel, in some instances. it just seems like the popular people were kind of like "ooh let's mix it up and sit with the unpopular people!" the cafeteria was still segregated black/white though, pretty much. except for this asian kid sitting at a table with some black guys. he looked absolutely miserable. even more miserable was this white kid sitting with some black guys... he was so miserable, he was reading the newspaper. a lot of people were only participating because they though they'd get in trouble if they didn't. you could tell. the whole idea made me really sad. kids shouldn't be forced into an activity like this, and we weren't, so most people didn't even try to do it, not even student council. the ones who DID seemed to be mocking the whole concept. i think i did a better job of scaring away kids than i did making a new friends. i am not a racist or a sexist or anything. i sit with the kids i know because they're the kids i know i like. i don't sit with them because we're all middle class whities. and anyway i didn't like mark fucking bolding before he sat down, and i didn't like him anymore when lunch was over. however i waved at jo. that was a new experience. ahhahahaha.
therapy yesterday was okay. the office was locked when we got there and we waited outside for like 10 minutes. we nearly left, but lady happened to be walking by when mom knocked one last time. it was fortunate, i guess. she's asked mom to sit in for all our sessions recently. it's sort of intimidating but i think what she's trying to do is make it more comfortable for me to talk in front of more than one person, or something. or maybe just more comfortable with mom. well, there's some kind of point to it, i know that much. first we talked about the dad/blog thing and she had me leave to talk to mom alone for a few minutes. that was strange, we've never done that before. then we talked about how to fix shit, etc. lady said i can bring dad in any time i want, and try to work on issues better in a session. that might help, if we had something concrete to deal with. rather than just me being constantly pissed off at his ness. then she asked about my report card, and how things in history discussion went, and how my college research is going, and if i've done anything to get on my way to driving. mostly it's okay. i sounded really okay. pretty hilarious after one of the worst weeks of my life. at the very end she asked if i had anything else to say. i tried to say what a bad week i'd had, but it felt really unimportant suddenly, and there were no words that fit it right. she asked if i was stressed or sad or what? and i had no idea how to say it, so i was basically like "eahoig" and that was the end. plus mom was still there, that definitely affected things. it's harder to talk like that.
we came home, i got some ice cream, and then the parentals and i sat down for a Talk. i don't really want to go into it, but dad agreed not to look at my blog again. i made him tell me a few details, so if you're interested: he looked for it specifically on google, it didn't just happen to pop up. he has been reading it every day for the past few weeks, and before that more irregularly. he doesn't understand the privacy issue.
end. as the conversation was breaking up, he told me that brock and brandon had called ("oh, her male entourage!" quoth mom). i was afraid to call back brock because it was like 9:30. which isn't that late, but still. margaret would've been asleep, come on. there was something really really nice about talking to brock on the phone last night. i can't really put my finger on it. i feel like our relationship sort of fell out for a few weeks, but we are getting back to where we were, and i'm really glad. i couldn't stand it if brock went away. it'd be nice to think he thought the same.

listening to: rasputina - the new zero

HONEY NUT CHEERIOS MILK N CEREAL BAR
WOO BOY
BREAKFAST ASS

god i'm tired. i'm too tired and i don't really have time to blog very well tonight. but a rought outline:
school. homework. therapy. talk with parents. call with brock. oblivion. latin essay.

BECCA'S SHOW:
java - dec 5.
HOO HOOO HO

Patti Smith


what punk rock goddess are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


fucking awesome!!!! i couldn't tell she was one of the choices until the last question. woohoo i love patti. she's so beautiful.

today dad 'fixed' my window without telling me. it was really sad. i need to have a ceremony. today basically sucked all around. it invovled cleaning and no friends and really shitty family stuff. at one point i was annoyed at havingn to clean the kitchen, which was full of mom's shit and complaining that she's always mad at US for leaving stuff everywehre, and i had to clean up her damn mess. she got really pissed and was all like "are you a part of the family or not?" because if i wasn't going to help out, i better find somewhere else to live, and "then it's settled, you're out of here when you turn 18 and we're not going to help you pay for college or anything." it made my day ten times better. woowee what a weekend.
so i basically sat around lifeless and depressed all day. i called a laylee, katherine, and brock but no one was around. eventually i was talking to sallis online, and he had been planning to do his english essay stuff tonight but instead invited me over to watch a movie. it was very sweet. his parents and mine were both going to the 'boogie in the books' party in the library. ho ho ho. is it ironic that the day katherine deleted her blog (party in the library) they actually HAD one? ..... i'm easily amused.
sallis came to pick me up and it was all raining and he had this huge umbrella to walk me to the car and he opened my door all nice. he's the greatest. he had gotten the stretch princess cd yesterday, and he had it in his car. it made me really happy. the funny thing is that he heard "shoes" in elise's car, probably before school yesterday morning. i, of course, made elise download that song this summer. sallis fell in love with the song and had to have the cd. bravo, good sir. anyway, back at his house i met his brother, his parents, and his parents' friends. i tried to be a polite little alanna. i don't know if it worked. especially since laylee called me and my cell phone was all ringy and i was all cell phone girly. i felt silly, but i was really happy that laylee called back. sallis and i had talked about inviting some other people to come back a movie with us, but they were busy anyway. after sallis's brother retreated, and the adults left to boogie, we stood around trying to decide what to watch. it didn't go very well. sallis is polite, so he was letting me, the guest, decide what to watch and i am indecisive so i couldn't choose. we ended up going to blockbuster and milling around until we spotted "frida." i had been really wanting to see that, and sallis said he'd heard good things so we got it. and "finding nemo" for his brother. thank god, too, because it kept him occupied all night, and he would've been a little young for miss frida. i lovedddd the movie. it was really really well done in the acting, and the history, and the cinema, and everything about it. wow it was really good. sigh. i hope sallis isn't having nightmares. i told him to call me if he had one, but i think he would be too polite for that. i told him i might call HIM, but i got a little carried away with laylee and the suicide girls just now. so maybe another time aha. anyway. after the movie, we had time to discuss it a little and everything, which was nice. then the adults came home and talked about the party and everything. haa it was very gossip compared to what i am used to hearing from my parents on that kind of event. there's nothing about the 55-year-old in the mini skirt, or the person whose face looked like it had been run over by a truck. it was interesting, at least, to get a different perspective. then they embarassed sallis to death by showing me the video they'd made for his 16th birthday this summer featuring lots of baby pictures and the 4 adults talking about what a good kid sallis is. and all kinds of people singing happy birthday. it was nice, but i should've insisted that i didn't want to see it, for sallis's sake. the adults were obviously very proud of it and everything, and i guess i didn't want to spoil their good time. then again, they were constantly making fun of sallis for the way he talks and everything. which is funny, i thought that maybe he got it from his parents or something. apparently not. i also thought he got his love of jummy buffett and celtic from them, but they also made fun of that. when we first came in, he made some comment and they were just kind of like ".....ooookay. nutcase." in not so many words. i mean, it's no wonder the poor kid thinks he's a weirdo and has no self-esteem. even his parents make fun of him, why would anyone else feel differently? i'm really preachy right now. sorry. i like sallis, though. he's a great kid. my dad came to pick me up eventually, and we all sort of stood around the doorway and talked for a few minutes. i think i must've said something funny, because sallis's dad gave me this weird tap thing on my shoulder. ahahahahaha that is pretty funny. to me. so we were saying goodbye and sallis tried to shake my hand. it was very cute. i sort of shook it a little, and then hugged him anyway. i hope he didn't mind too much. i probably invaded his space. well maybe he needs a little invasion every now and then. and i was the man for the job. *cue music*
i was not very happy that dad and dad alone was my chauffer this evening. no, no, no. we are not on good terms obviously. but when he came to get me, i was in this great mood and he was in this great mood, plus part of it was a thing about looking happy in front of sallis's family or something, i think. unconciously maybe. but anyway, i was being nice to him and he, of course, was being nice to me. so i couldn't very well just stop as soon as i realized it was happening, in the car. it made me really mad because i haven't really yelled at him, except for once, about being totally angry with him. and if i've just done this happy thing, then i'm obviously not totally angry. phh i fucked it all up. now what can i do god damn it. dad took the niceness as an opportunity to be especially talky to me and he did the touchy thing and eww. he's been kissing my head a lot the past few days and it's going to drive me insane. next time i think i'll fucking slap his face. i hate it. i hate him tricking himself into thinking that we are chums. god. i've done it again. i didn't want to end on a sour note. OH I SO DON'T HAVE TO.
brock called during the middle of the movie, "just to check up." the conversation was probably our shortest to date... about 30 seconds or something. it just made me really really really really happy. that was a highlight of the evening. obviously the other big highlight was simply the fact that i got to hang out with sallis. wow, i feel so honored. another highlight was that on the way home, brandon called to tell me about the bonfire madigan show. man. i really wish i could've been there. obviously. he was very non-braggy about it, which i really appreciated. he was nice about it, and got me something (i couldn't really tell what he said) and he's going to make me a copy of the live cd. hooray and many thanks to brandon. i love that puppy lump. when i got home, i went online and whatnot. talked to elise a little bit about this basic essay i wrote on my new interpretation of her music video "untouchable face" which can be read here in the commentaries. she did what i thought she'd do, which was forget that i was talking about the video and not her damned personal life. she was EXTREMELY non-talky. over the last couple months, we don't actually have a conversation unless she starts it. if i start it, i basically ramble and she says "haha," "yeah," and "depends on how you look at it." well that was tonight's vocabulary anyway. it's beginning to drive me nuts. HAHAH but i don't really have to deal with it, i guess so who cares. anyway. for the past few hours i have been talking to laylee. we tried to find nude blog layouts. there used to be a whole site, and we can't find it anymore. pretty sad. so we just ended up hanging out with the suicide girls. a pretty good evening, on a whole. too bad that most of the day was shit, and the entire week was shit. i mean, even the movie we watched was intensely depressing. i can't get away from sad and depress lately. well woops.

listening to: commander venus - peppermints

cheese + turkey love mix for laylee

this is the tracklist. laylee, if you haven't listened to all of it yet, don't look!! because that was the whole reason i didn't get it to you personally. i'm serious!

1) Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Road Runner
2) The 5 6 7 8's - Woo Hoo
3) The Dead Milkmen - Laundromat Song
4) Interpol - Say Hello To Angels
5) The Raveonettes - Beat City
6) Sleater-Kinney - Off With Your Head
7) the Seconds - burning up
8) Bangs - I Want More
9) Gossip - Got Body If You Want It
10) The Frumpies - Baby Plays For Pritty
11) Libertines - I Get Along
12) Palomar - slingshot
13) Selby Tigers - Droid
14) Stereo Total - LA, CA, USA
15) Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Poodle Rockin'
16) Lunachicks - Jerk of all trades
17) Tullycraft - Pop Songs Your New Boyfriend's Too Stupid To Know About
18) James Kochalka Superstar - Monkey Vs. Robot
19) Frank Black - Headache
20) Throwing Muses - Shark
21) amazing plaid - a backpack mystery
22) The Slits - Shoplifting
23) Tracy + The Plastics - Hey Rubella
24) Peaches - Set It Off
25) Semiautomatic - Resident Genius
26) Deerhoof - Magic Star
27) Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
28) The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
29) Talking Heads - Pulled Up

i think i'm going to make a version for brock and swap out the songs i've already put on mixes for him. aha. i'm nuts. jesus.

listening to: deerhoof - magic star

You have BAD AIDS!!! This is the opposite of good
aids. Good aids is socially acceptable, but BAD
AIDS is only contracted through touching a
Libertine too much in the genital area.. and/or
looking at one for too long.


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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

i'll be brave tonight

another new blog layout. i already think this one is old. it's so ...... green. well, who knows. maybe it will grow on me. i like the image and the quote, but i'm too lazy to mess with colors and fonts myself right now.
it was a pretty good day. another one of those where the day SHOULD suck and it doesn't. this week was so bad, that today couldn't really help but be good. if it had been bad, i could've like. filed a complaint to jesus or something. i fell the fuck asleep last night trying to study. again. good god this is getting old.
we had an english test on the age of innocence, which i am proud to say, was my first sparknotes test. i only read about 100 pages of that shit. and i wanna be a kennedy, what can i say? i think i did pretty well on it. who cares, though, because an english test day means that laylee, margaret, jenny, and katherine w come to our lunch. hooray! it was so relaxing, not having to listen/talk to nisha. i guess i should feel bad for the people who DID have to talk to her, but jenny doesn't hate her or anything. jenny is nice. unlike me. i have no soul.
i also had tests in ap u.s. and latin, which didn't go very well. or maybe i was just more pessimistic at the end of the day. i don't care anymore, because god blessed me and made today friday. after school, brock came home with us. that made me really happy, because he said last night that he wanted to just go home and chill today. i mean it was nice that he wanted to take a day off and everything, but i like having company. we went to sonic of course. mmm. aaahaha. we sat around over here, and tried to find a movie to watch but our wide selection somehow seemed very selective tonight. we talked about renting something, but it seemed like a hassle to make mom drive out and get one. plus brock still wanted to be home early and everything, so there wasn't really time to do that by the time mom got up from her nap. however, unaware that brock was about to leave, she suggested we see a movie. brock called his mom and asked if she could come and get him, morgan, and me and take us to paradiso. unfortunate: brock's family had decided to do some family dessert outing thing, and they were all in the car on the way to my house when he asked. they hadn't told him about it, and he was like "oh well we don't have to go to the movie" and everything, but brock's family is brock's family therefore they were like "whatever" and took us anyway, even though they weren't very happy about it. brock does that kind of thing sometimes. to a different extent. he "whatever"s a lot of things, and endures a lot of shit he isn't happy with. it makes him really hard to read. that's okay.
we saw "love actually" which was a pretty good movie. i LOVE movies with brock, as i've said. we are so dramatic. even when i'm really really into a movie, i'm mostly internal about it, but not with brock. when something awkward or pathetic happens, brock can't look at the screen. he's so sympathetic. it's great. he usually leans over in his seat, and i rub his back. sometimes he just covers his face, depending on the trauma. during suspense, he is an arm grabber. during "matchstick men" we spent most of the movie clutching each other. simply because any kind of suspense is painful. during tender moments, i lean my head on his shoulder and it's all very nice. he also does this thing i love where he sort of strokes your elbow. aw i love that thing. is it strange that we are more physical in the theatre than anywhere else?
mom picked us up, and i got annoyed that she had brought the dogs and there was barely room in the car for all of us because she'd also taken out the back seat of the damn car. it seems like i get really easily frustrated right after a movie. i don't know why. it's just another weird fucking thing i do, i guess. ah well. wow my thumb is really flat on one side. i wonder, has it always been that way? so we took brock home. morgan and i watched i love the 80s and some music videos. actually she fell asleep. dad has been trying to talk to me and act like everything is fine. actually he's trying to be nicer than normal. i'm about to explode. i've basically just been doing the silence thing but he obviously doesn't get it. next time he pats my fucking shoulder or kisses me on the head, i am going to fucking scream. i'm going insane this way. he acts all offended when i seem upset with him, but he still hasn't actually confronted me about the issue. i was waiting for him to do it, because it's his fucking issue to begin with and because i'm obviously not talking to him unless it's necessary. oh yeah, yesterday i added my last post to letter from memphis. it was a sad moment. but i figured i should just go ahead and explain why i stopped blogging there so that people would quit asking me and i wouldn't have to say it anymore. but of course, now that i've actually written it, no one has read it and no one else has asked me. so i'm a little put out. but whatever. maybe dad will see it and leave me the fuck alone. man i didn't want to end on such a sour note. i'm having a good day, and i intend to have a good weekend. anyone up for driving me to new orleans tomorrow ho ho ho? well. anyone up for hanging out, at least? god damn.

listening to: kill hannah - ten more minutes with you

EVERYONE IS DRIVING ME NUTS. AGOWIHPAEGIHPAWEGHI.

listening to: the gits - while you're twisting

so i just talked to becca and things are better. it's funny that i knew they would fix really easily and i didn't just go ahead and let it happen. oh well. i think a lot of shit just made me more mad about the show than i otherwise would've been and just being mad at becca was an easy target for my anger. hopefully i will feel a little lifted now that we've talked a little and everything. let's hope...
actually right now i'm more upset with myself for missing the fucking show (because it was my fault) and for being so stupid, bitchy, and depressed. well fuck.

listening to: digger - try and catch me

Life's A Show...


Which Buffy Musical Song Are You?
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hahaha

today was terrible. last night i cried myself to sleep. i've never done that before. i couldn't stop. it was just everything and that was too much. at one point i decided to call someone, but when i picked up the phone i couldn't think of who. no one wants a late-night tear-stained phone call from sinfully depressed alanna. i don't know what's wrong with me this week. it's getting really bad, and i don't know what to do.
i wish i could've just avoided everyone at school today. for the most part i did a pretty good job of acting fine. i didn't see becca after 2nd period, which i usually do, so she might've thought i was avoiding her. actually, after 6th period i conciously did avoid her. it was too late in the day for me to deal with things. i feel awful for being such a slut to her yesterday. well actually she's just gotten online so i'm going to try to talk. let's see.

listening to: the gits - guilt within your head

now that i think about it, i don't know what to think about this becca email. i shouldn't be mad at her or anything, and the reasons she gives are perfectly understandable. like the reason she couldn't come to the play on friday was because brock was out with other people and so she couldn't get a ride with him... but he said she never called, and i don't know how she could've known that without calling him first. and the reason i didn't get to come to bonfire madigan was because i didn't go to school on tuesday. in that case it's entirely my fault, but i'd thought the whole thing was off by then. if i had known, i would've come, but i wasn't told over the weekend that they were still planning to go... when i talked to laylee on monday night, she said they were going to go, but since i hadn't been informed i wasn't going to butt in.
god. i don't know what to think anymore. i think i would just be perfectly accepting of becca clearing things up if not for all this other stupid mess in my life right now. and the weirdo halloween event gave me a different outlook on how to interpret people talking. or something. i don't know.
at any rate, she ends the email saying she's worried about me. i don't know if that means she's worried that i am mad at her, or that i am just not doing well in general. i am worried about me too. what is going on.

listening to: bonfire madigan - vigil

i just read an email that becca sent me and i feel ret@rd*d. i hate myself and no one else.

my throat is really tight like i'm going to cry. i'm not.
becca and william drove to nashville after school and saw bonfire madigan. they were practically the only people there. i'm really really really upset that i didn't get to go. it's ruining my week. that and the fact that dad has apparently been reading my blog. i have no idea for how long or anything. how fucking creepy is that? hence the deletion. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i've talked about it too much today to say anything more.
i mentioned before that the therapist had suggested i do compulsive stuff. today i was taking one of my signature long-ass showers, and i got really sad so i lay down for a really long time. then i found a penny on the side of the tub and spent about half an hour scraping from between the tiles in the shower. it was really weird. i didn't really think about it at first, and then i was like "what am i doing?" but i didn't stop. i couldn't exactly stop. it was very strange, and i'm afraid of myself. i got to talk to brock on the phone for a long time. also, sallis called because he was worried about me. it was the best thing that's happened to me in days. brandon also called, to brag that he gets to see bmad AND rx bandits this weekend. god damn.
i would say more but it's too painful right now and i'm depressed and i have lots of work to do and i can't stop listening to madigan. i think i'll die.

listening to: tattle tale - fly away
"i wish i could cry, but the tears don't come out of my eyes. will you hold my hand? will you hold my hand? and don't let go..."

i hate you

alack, sick day. i am pissed off that i stayed up slightly late finishing homework and then didn't go to school anyway. i was going to email my assignment to wexler but i don't have her address with me... go figure. oh well. it was an okay day. i still didn't get much done. poo. if anyone could tell me what we did in school, it would be much appreciated.
yesterday was a day off from school for teacher inservice or something. i don't really care what for. i don't like it that they gave us another day off so soon after the last one, because i know there's that huge stretch of no time off later this year. morgan woke me up at 1pm, but i was so cranky and she was so cold that i pushed her out of my bed. she was very upset, but she forgave me eventually. at 5 we went to see "pieces of april" which was a nice movie. my favorite part was that it was a really really low-budget digital indie movie. their company thing was called indigent (independent digital entertainment) which i thought was really clever/amusing. i was very impressed with katie holmes. she looked sooo different. in a good way. we got home and i realized i had missed my therapy appointment. i am kind of glad. last week was very bad. mom sat in the whole time, and that made me more dependent on her for answers and everything. i said "i don't know" repeatedly because i didn't want her to say i was wrong/stupid, i guess. i am still trying to figure out why i do that. and the lady said some things that really weirded me out, that i show a mixture of anxiety and compulsive tendencies. it's so weird seeing myself this way. i was never a person who looked at myself as having problems like this. just that i was about as fucked up as the average person, not with issues like these. anyway i rescheduled my appointment for next monday. i will be proud to tell her that i did indeed speak in the stupid history class discussion on friday. even if i sounded completely ret@rd*d. oh well. things are okay right now.

this weekend (so far, although it's basically over for me. unless we see 'pieces of april' tomorrow, which mom thinks was filmed in my aunt's apartment building on the lower east side of new york) has been pretty damn good. well, except for my nothingness on friday. i had an orthodontist appointment so i couldn't hang out with kids after school. and anyway katherine and i had made editting plans, so it was all good. we ended up only getting to do it for a short time, as i mentioned before, because she had to go to the football game for band. then i sat around for hours and sulked. i went to the play because becca had said she was available to go that night. i got the impression that was really going to try and get there, so even though i had planned to go on sunday, rather than friday, i went so that she woudln't be alone. however she completely forgot about it, but that's cool. brock left that huge group of kids to come be with theatre, which was very nice of him. i guess it was less "nice" than just "i am brock and i can't stand to be in one situation for too long." i don't know that he even had a necessarily very good time. ah well, such is the life of a free mason. daniel from open-mic also showed up at the play, but he really didn't like it. i personally thought it was really great, very moving and emotional, and portrayed beautifully. it was INCREDIBLY short, which sucked, because i could really see how much greater it would have been if the auditions had had better turn out... it was just great. i'm sorry i didn't film it, because i know that i (and a lot of other OOV people) will regret that in the future. it was just amazing. even with the shortness, the point is done so well that it ends up not really mattering. huge kudos to all the actors, because you were fucking awesome. i pity all of you who didn't go see it. shame, shame, shame. please read the review and feel even worse about not going. because shit.
after the play, the three of us, plus morgan, eileen, and sara went to pizza cafe for a while. afterwards, brock was only here for like 10 seconds before his mom came. we were really tired. the day was okay, but not spectacular.
saturday, katherine came over and editted from 12 to 2 or something. it was okay, we didn't get too much done, and we got really tired of editting. hopefully we'll have time to do some tomorrow and maybe even finish the damned dance break. jesus!
laylee had nothing to do on saturday, and really wanted to see me. it was sad because of all days when i actually have fucking PLANS she is bored and lonely. it's always so opposite. but i spent a lot of time on the phone or online with her in between the time when katherine left and when zoe picked me and morgan up at 4:30 for her birthday party. we ate mexican with kimberly, zak, eric, katy, miranda, and zoe's mom. it was nice. then we (minus kimberly) hung out at square foods, and saw good time speech before going back to zoe's house (minus zak) for the most beautiful cake i've ever eaten featuring chocolate ice cream, vanilla cake, whipped cream, and reese's pieces bits strewn all over. ohh jesus melt. then we just hung out in zoe's room for a bit. eric went home, i nearly fell asleep on the floor. then we watched "hedwig and the angry inch." HOORAY HOORAY. i love that movie. i don't know that katy and miranda liked it... ah well. then zoe and i slept in her bed, while morgan, miranda, and katy slept in the den. zoe and i stayed up talking long into the night. it was nice, and all in all the night was not as awkward as i was anticipating. i missed a call from brandon, because i accidentally left my phone on silent after the play. i'm sorry, puppy lump. i would've liked to talk to you. it would've been nice if you had called tonight, too, while i was at laylee's beatles party. ohhh. it was so nice.
i really need to start eating better. or at least eating regularly. this morning, zoe's mom fed us so much damn food. i had 2 waffles, scrambled eggs, and a piece of that delicious cake for breakfast. it was more than i've eaten in like 3 months. so much that i basically didn't get hungry for the rest of the day. at all. my food pattern is getting really sad. it's at the point where my body is so USED to not eating, that when i finally do put something in it, it goes "HOLY SHIT! FOOD?! GIVE ME LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS MORE!" which i don't want to do. so since eating only makes me hungry, and i just avoid it more. one of these days i'm going to collapse and have no idea why. aha. after dad picked us up from zoe's, (we were the last ones to leave) i went home briefly. mom wanted me to research 4 colleges before i did anything else, so i did that and started to burn a cd for laylee. then mom was like "WE HAVE TO GO. NOW" and the cd was 10 seconds from being done, but she was really upset with me and there was no WAY we cold wait without her freaking out. it was really depressing. i was so excited too. so she took mixless me to laylee's house where she looked so fucking hot in her pajamas, and we cuddled on the bed, and listened to rasputina, and had a lovely time just sitting around being alanna and laylee. it was perfect. then laylee craved turkey wraps, so her mom took us to kroger to get the ingredients. while we were there, daniell called and said that at yogurt, she had invited brock to the beatles party they had planned for tonight. and while she was telling him, elizabeth overheard, so they invited her. she, in turn, asked if she could bring 5 other people. so laylee was like "waheoieig" plus everyone now had the impression that it was happening at laylee's house, which was not supposed to be happening in the first place. so we were rather put out. but it all worked out okay. we went home and ate our wraps, which weren't as good as laylee was anticipating. aww. i wasn't even hungry anyway HAHA. then arman came home from his job at the children's museum, and offered to help us with the party. it was really cute. he was doing that voice that laylee and becca also use. gwahahah cute. we ended up spending most of hte evening in prepartion. the guests arrived in a little trickle all night, and becca was the first to arrive, though not. in a very. good mood. somewhat like our friend the DwarfStar. then daniell came, and arman helped all of us make nametags on yellow construction paper with submarines on them. the nametag idea was a joke, because we were saying that if elizabeth brought 5 kids that none of us knew, we should have nametags to help remember who was who and everything... though in the end, i told brock on the phone that laylee really didn't want them to come, so it didn't happen. but we still wore the nametags, and i loved it. mine is very tiny. like me. i'm still wearing it and i like it. we (laylee) also made pins of the 5 main characters from the yellow submarine cartoon. they're pefect. i got ringo, which i was sad about at first, because george is my favorite and all, but after we watched "help" i didn't mind at all. because he's damned great in that movie. kevin was the captain of the submarine, rather than a beatle. because he's bearded and pink-ish. ahahahah. also arman bought us cookie dough and we made one big cookie out of it, to be a cake, and becca and daniell drew a big submarine on it with yellow icing, and wrote the beatles' names on it and covered it with lovely sprinkles, one big fat candle, and a star wars robot. it was damned beautiful and i'm sad we took no pictures. balloons were thrown, candles were blown, songs were sung, prayers were said. it was a beautiful evening. arman also made us drinks which he named "yellow submarines" which were lemonade and vodka. not incredibly pleasant, but it was supposed to make the party more fun aha. i had about half of mine, and kevin had the rest (entirely unaware that it wasn't just lemonade). partway through, "help" william arrived, and about halfway through becca and i spilled milk all over the place. as laylee and i ran around trying to clean it up, and start making popcorn at the same time, brock arrived. he let me hug him to death, which made me really happy because he's not been letting me. or maybe it's a public thing. or something. i don't know, but he did and i listened to his pretty heart. when we started the movie again, william and becca left to talk in laylee's room, and brock and i had great fun static-ing pink balloons to our heads. nobody would sing the songs with me. it was sad. and i kept trying to teach brock which beatle was which, and tell him that he needed to get a favorite before the night was over... i don't think it worked. now that i think about it, his presense at the party is really hysterical. he doesn't even like the beatles. i mean, he doesn't dislike them either but he wasn't raised on them like a lot of people (me, laylee, becca, daniell, kevin, and i will throw in william too for the hell of it). it's really depressing when you think about it. i remember my dad telling me their names on the cover of the "tv this week" when the anthologies were first airing. it was that picture of them on the beach in their red and white striped bathing suits. and i couldn't tell those shits apart. partly because of the damned grain of the newspaper photo, but still. and my first real beatles song was "taxman." i mean everybody hears "yellow submarine" on the radio and whatever, but the first one that i HEARD, that was played in the car, and i asked "who is this?" was "taxman." a george song of course. he's my favorite beatle. oh jesus i melted over him tonight. oh jesus i did. he's so damned beautiful constantly. he said some line about somebody's tongue "leaving it out like that, all pink and naked." AGHWHAHAOIEHAHI. jesus. i love the whole vibe of beatles films. they just make me so happy. because it's great to think that they really acted like that in real life. you could totally believe it. not to the extent that they all lived in the same house with four separate, differently-colored doors for each of them, but just the atmosphere of everything. i want so badly to believe that it was real, even if it was just during one album's era. and i hate the fucking monkees for trying to achieve that, and not coming anywhere close. stupid motherfuckers with no musical talent and pure money minds. i hate you forever. shut the fuck up with your fucking porpoise song.
after "help" we put on "hard day's night" because daniell and becca (who did come back in) had never seen it. i had suggested we watch that one first, because you can only really see the humor when you're watching closely and paying a lot of attention to the little dialogues and everything, unless you're just going to talk over the movie and dance during the songs... which is what we ended up doing. that was fine, but it would've been better to watch help like that, because you can be talking and still look up during a random scene and find some of it funny. even the delivery of "hard day's night" is colder and everything. there were some absolutely hysterical shots and sucessions of transitions in "help" that i hadn't really noticed before. ahah oh god i'm so film this is sick. i'm shutting up. the point is it was a really really great night. eventually, laylee and kevin were like "this night is done, we want to be alone." (though he hugged us both, kevin kissed me but not brock. MWAHAHA. i'm so god.) so brock and i walked to his house. on the way we sat back to back on a tire swing. my feet couldn't touch the ground, so brock did all the real swinging. i felt bad about that, but. sorry i'm a freeloader, brock. then he got dizzy so we just swung on the regular swings instead. it was nice. i think the skirt i wrote today is my swinging skirt, because i am always swinging and singing in it. very nice. luckily this evening, i didn't demonstrate it's horrifying flippage power to brock, where it does that billow and then flies practically over my head. ahahahaha. only laylee has seen that shit. anyway it was just nice and we talked a while. then he was worried that his mom would be anxious about us getting home, so we kept walking. i have never walked from brock's to laylee's, so i didn't know how long it would take and i was afraid we wouldn't have enough time to talk. i walk slowly anyway, because i hate time and i want to be leisurely or whatever the fuck. he strides. partly because he's so much bigger than me that his legs just move faster, but whatever. we had a nice conversation about our weekends and about why i hate it when people don't defend their opinion. he generally doesn't do that, so obviously even though he didn't agree with my speech he wasn't going to say anything about it. how sick and sad is that? it's depressing to think about. but it was a nice walk. my thighs got really fucking cold. the best part is that i had my bra in my coat pocket and it was sticking out everywhere. actually even better is that before i put it away, i had been carrying it and i accidentally waved it to brock's mom as she drove away. HAHAHAHAHAHA. she did indeed drive me home, and i felt guilty about doing that to her, but i thanked her and everything so hopefully she won't hate me even more than i know she already does. i hadn't thought to bring my house key because i didn't think i was going to be out late or anything, and i forgot that since dad has work tomorrow, he wouldn't be awake when i got home. therefore i had to crawl into my bedroom window again (this should be a weekly habit, because it's too much fun) and i'm sure that also made brock's mom uncomfortable. i didn't explain it to her. i didn't think to. oh well. as soon as i fell onto my bed, my phone rang and brock asked if i had gotten in okay. it was very sweet of him to check, because most people just drive off. but, as i've said, the lock on my window is broken so it wasn't like there was no way in or anything. hahaa jesus. i still have laylee's wallet in my purse. i called to tell her and we got to talk for a little, while kevin linuxed. i love to talk to laylee. oh god it's good. she is entirely honest and beautiful to me and no one is as good as laylee. except maybe george harrison. but i told her i was going to go to bed because i was so tired. instead i came in here and wrote this hour-long post for her. so she better be fucking happy.

listening to: the beatles - the long and winding road

HAPPY ARE MY MIND AND MY SOUL
AND MY HEART

frank can sing me away any day. god i love him. god i do. i have gotten extreme shivers listening to this song. usually it makes me really happy, but since i already wasn't in a good mood, it did that thing where you listen to a happy love song and get really depressed because it's never going to be you. shit i hate that. it happens way too much to me. i wish it didn't. i'm such a jealous loser.

listening to: frank black - speedy marie

i feel my weekend swirling down the drain. katherine came over for like 30 minutes to edit, and that has been the only good thing to happen so far. i'm depressed. i'm going to good time speech at 8 (EVERYONE COME!) so hopefully that will make me happier. i don't know. man i don't want a shitty three-day weekend... come the fuck on.

listening to: erase errata - ease on over

"When Doves Cry" (by Prince)
How could you just leave me standing,
Alone in a world so cold?
Maybe you're just too demanding.
Maybe I'm just like my father--too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother.
She's never satisfied.
Why do we scream at each other?
This is what it sounds like,
When doves cry.


Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla


ew i hate this song.

suddenly had the urge to blog.... yesterday someone asked me if i was brock's little sister. HAHAHA.
he drove me and his mom home. it was tres cute. i can't wait for him to get his license. he's so excited. we hung out at his house and did homework, then we had to be at school at 5:45 to usher for the play. we also had to wear all black. brock loaned me this huge shirt, which he said was cute because of its hugeness. then i remembered i had my rasputina t-shirt in my backpack, and put that on under his shirt, like a jacket thing. but he was doing that subtle brock thing and i could tell he really didn't want me to wear his shirt. it was sad. so i took it off, and froze to death all night long. but whatever if he didn't want me to wear it. i think he's been thinking about how we look to people we don't know.... probably like we're dating. and so of course he wouldn't want me to wear his clothes or touch him or anything ever. it is not good to look as though you are dating alanna. no sir. anyway it turns out the play didn't start until 7. what the fuck?! we went to wendy's with the techies. i really don't understand why they need so many people on tech, and then six ushers. it's really ridiculous. there are like 15 people on tech, and most of them seriously can't be doing much of anything. and they did the classic tech thing of wakling around the auditorium during the show. i can't figure out why, eitehr. oh well. it was slightly okay because tim (tech director) would come back to me and brock in the back row and talk a little bit. the play was .............. awful. hands down. it was not funny at all. tim was like "no one is laughing!" so brock and i made it our job to laugh loudly. mrs. j apparently appreciated it. but after intermission, where we poured drinks, lauren h and allison were in the auditorium with us, and were talking loudly and laughing too fake and too long. mrs. j kept turning around and looking at us... i felt really bad. god that play was shit though. brock and i left early. we stood around in the cold for a few minutes and talked about the world as an egg and whatnot. brock and i talk a lot. i really like it. i like that we talk about all kinds of things for forever. then his mom drove me home, which was nice. i fell asleep doing my homework. again. god damn.
today i smiled really big at tim in the hall, and he waved all happy. oh it was nice. what was nicer today was LAYLEE. she made me SO happy... i can't even say. she was all touchy and adorable and telling me how cute i am constantly. and it's only true when laylee says it.
i should be doing english. fuck.

listening to: talking heads - pulled up

the queers are coming to the hi-tone. anyone up for going? i just figured i should announce it.
bonfire madigan is in nashville on tuesday night... sigh.

listening to: the sick lipstick - teenage robots

You should be dating an Aquarius.
20 January - 18 February
Your mate is communicative, thoughtful and caring.
Though he/she can be tactless and rude and
sometimes self-interested, he/she enjoys the
intellectual experience of sex.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahaa shit i guess i answered too much like myself. where am i supposed to find another aquarius? i can't think of anyone anyway. i'm too lazy to take the quiz again though.

listening to: the selby tigers - droid

ohhh my i just finished wasteland and it is so beautiful and sad. please read it.

listening to: zoë keating - exurgency

man i feel guilty for not blogging in a few days. mannn now i feel like i can't say anything new without having to do catch-up shit. well.


holy shit i've been sitting here staring at those sentences for forever. it's now 5:30. i just can't write right now. oh well, i don't think anyone is reading this, so no one will mind. aha.

OH MY GOD RASPUTINA WAS AMAZING

brock just called and woke me up. gwahaha. i love him.

today, while not incredibly packed full of KOOKY halloween fun, was still a very good holiday day. i had a lot of chocolates. they were all mine. well, except for the kitkat and reese's on my windowsill (thankyou thankyou, loverboo). school was actually a pretty fast day. i don't really need to elaborate on that fact. afterwards, we took brock to his house for a change of clothes before coming back home. we had made plans to watch "rocky horror" and hang out with becca, kevin, and laylee. after sitting around here and at sonic for a bit, we called each of them, and both said they'd call when we had real plans. so brock and i just walked around the neighborhood for a while. we ended up on union, and nearly walked to cooper-young, but it was almost dark, so i'm glad we didn't. plus we would've been stuck with no bags for trick-or-treating, and that is sad. we also almost sang for candy, in place of costumes. brock and i do this thing where if one of us has an idea, the other one gets really enthusiastic, and the first one backs down, so it doesn't happen. this is a frequent occurence in the stunning lives on alanna and brock. believe you me. so we just walked back home, and looked for costumes, mostly to no avail. i got stuck briefly in belle's (6-year-old) ballgown from disney's beauty and the beast. it was pretty terrific. i couldn't breathe. brock put on a hat, which became loaded down with lots of items such as shawls, skirts, other hats, wings. i didn't find anything. so we sat around some more and handed out candy. our first batch thought we were a 30-year-old, married couple. it was super hot. we told them we were only 20.
eventually, i called becca again and she was very upset. apparently laylee and kevin had just decided to skip out on our evening's plans, for no reason becca could find. it was very weird. i also called laylee and kevin, but i couldn't get them to tell me what was up. i still don't know. at any rate, it was a very weird phone cal, and i hope they had a good evening, whatever they were doing. when becca and daniell (almost randomly) showed up, we still hadn't found anything good. so i threw on basically whatever i was handed: a tan trenchcoat, captain underpants shirt, strange red and black pants, broken sunglasses, and snakeskin platforms. brock's monument sort of collapsed, so he just wore the basic hat. in a way, i was a crackhead and he was the ghost of a parisian hat model. it turned out rather nicely. becca had on very cool eye makeup, an adorable hat, a skirt as a strapless dress, and fishnet stockings on her arm. we just went out for dinner at glass onion, which was becca's suggestion. she had been there a few months ago, and they've changed the menu since: it's more expensive, and not as good? i think we waited for the food much longer than we actually ate it. brock basically picked and ordered my food. jesus i'm pathetic. it was nice and all, but didn't feel like festive at all. brock described it later as being very adult, which NOBODY is on halloween. it was really cool getting to hang out with becca and daniell, but it also felt very serious and whatnot, probably in part because becca was upset about the laylee and kevin thing. and this very strange breed of people-watching/commenting. i don't know what to think about all that. HOWEVER brock pushed me around in a shopping cart. and that was not very adult. we were just going to leave it where we parked the car, but these creepy women on their porch were like "take that back to the other carts. don't leave it in my front yard. take it back to your own front yard. take it back to where you found it." if i had been the one pushing the cart, i probably would've been pissed off and REALLY put it in her damn yard. but brock is a sweet boy. so he wheeled it far away. wow.
we (except for brock) had made plans to see a special showing of "beetlejuice" at midnight. brock's mom wouldn't let him go, though. it's too bad. by now it was around 9:15, and i don't really understand why, but daniell had to take me and brock back to my house, and she and becca went back to her house. we mostly ... sat around. shortly after we got home, mom came home from the opening night of good time speech. hallelujah, glory be. at some point, brandon called. it was sort of weird because he called on the cell, so brock couldn't get on the phone too, and i couldn't talk to them at the same time. the conversation would've been much better if i hadn't been worried about brock being bored out of his mind. actually at one point tonight, while we were waiting for brock's mom to come pick him up, i mentioned something about not wanting him to be bored and all this, and i was fiddling with the kitkat wrapper. when i finally looked up at him, he was making this "OH NO YOU DI'INT!" face. it was great. and we had a quasi-conversation about it. his first reaction was "what else would i be doing?!" which wasn't all that comforting. but then he was like "i don't get bored! do you get bored?!" and i was like "no!" but the thing i REALLY liked that he said was that he couldn't sit around and do basically nothing with anyone else. and if he was out somewhere doing, he'd most likely be feeling left out of the conversation or be worried about something. and that was really nice. i don't know why.
goddess cat jumped out of the window while brock and i were windowsillin it. actually she was just sitting on it until we came back into my room, and brock stood on the bed, and she freaked out and ran off into the night. i was really nervous, because of the things people to do black cats on halloween. i shimmied through the window and peckled around through the underbrush but to no avail. i looked by the back door. nothing. no kittie. i decided not to worry about it because she always comes back always, even if it's been weeks. as soon as brock left, i walked back into my room and she bounded onto the bed. what a supercat. truly a goddess.
then i sort of took a short breath before becca, daniell, and william showed up for "beetlejuice." i like william SO much more than i used to, it isn't even funny. he really is a good kid. i wish i had more to say to daniell, we are very quiet around each other. it was really great getting to watch that movie at midnight on halloween with costumes and lovelies. nice nice. i wish laylee and kevin had come though. afterwards, we just basically drove around for half an hour or something, which was great. i always like when nights just piddle to a close instead of "SHIT IS DONE, BYE NOW!" also, william says "oh my shit" a lot, which is something elise says that i hate. i'm guessing she got it from him. i knew she got it from somewhere, i just never knew where. it was also really strange when william said "oh, that's happy." i was like aha nuts. we nearly drove to st. louis so that we could have bagels for breakfast. but we ran out of gas.

wow i love that i've just stumbled back home.

CANDY ON MY WINDOWSILL!!!!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

shit i forgot to blog about chris earlier. remind me someone.

hooray for every day better than the last! it was just a kind of slick lay-back day. the sky is sooo blue and the clouds are so beautiful. we spent time observing them at lunch. lovely. brock and i sang "i color the sky with you, i let you choose the blue!" a few times. kevin loved it. i love kevin.
whitney and amber sat at the table again today, so that was different. plus, katherine is still sick and nisha sat with other people, so the set up was very different. i guess the change was nice and all. i've decided i don't like sitting with so few people, because then there's usually only one conversation happening at one time. if there were other people i could escape into something else when talked turned away from my interests. brock is very big on being involved, so he always wants to stay in the large group conversation. he and i talked a little bit alone, because amber and whitney were mostly talking to sallis. i remember that they said one thing that really bothered me, but i can't remember what. ah well. maybe i should start doodling.
in chemistry i just barely finished my test. in algebra i was nowhere near finishing my quiz. it really pisses me off that i know what i'm doing and i couldn't finish. why am i so slowwww? oh well.
mr. munter apologized for calling me robin. AHAHAHA.
robin forgot her glasses today. she is so damn cute! i want to marry her. also things with brock were really nice today. nice boy.
wenli gave me a turtle's gift card for $10 just for helping out with her french video. WOW what a nice girl. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou to wenli. jesus christ.
in a time when i've felt like a really evil, selfish person, look how bethany describes me: "You're so sweet. You're just a big, fat teddy bear." i mean wow. how's that for polar opposite? i was thinking today about how i must appear entirely different to a different people. it's nuts. anyway, bethany also said she misses my "scratchy voice and insistent debates. I miss being yelled at (not that I enjoy that), but arguing was so fun! I feel all nostalgic. Look what you made me do! Poofter." aww. i miss yelling at you, bethany.
i have had a stomach ache all day. this is not cool. i hope i don't have what katherine has.

listening to: rasputina - my little shirtwaist fire

brock and i had a classicly brilliant brock-alanna phone call tonight. he called because he was depressed about the stupid english project, and he wanted to forget about how he should have been working. i'm not sure when he called, but we talked for a long time. and it was one of those calls where each of you says "i have to go" like five kamillion times over the space of an hour. it's great. it made my night five kamillion times better. thank you, brock love. i missed our long talk. it's going in my biography.

WHO IS UP FOR LIBRARY PARTY?
we are doing this shit. saturday or sunday. come on kids. get in here.

there's a huge gooey spot of GOO on that little buggity bite on my chest. i finally showed me mater. woo i love her. she said she was going to send me to druggie school. i remember when i used to leap around the house in the morning, before school. she'd call me a gazelle, and i would pretend to hate it.

OH MAH GOD I AM IN LOVE WITH BRIE CHEESE

FULLY FLEXIBLE, YOU SEE. IS THERE ONE AS SWEET AS ME?
(dantier, smarter, better dressed.)
ANTIQUE HIGH HEEL RED DOLL SHOES!

pick me up for heaven sakes
aren't i your baby cakes?

listening to: RASPUTINA, MUTHAFUCKA!

i don't know yet what i'm going to do for halloween. as in, i don't know where i'm going and i don't know what i'm going to dress up as, if i am at all. well shit. i want to get out of this house. i wish i could drive. i also wish i got to see kids on the weekdays because that would just increase my will to live by a million.

listening to: rasputina - this little piggy

today was better! wahoo. i am hoping this week is just a staircase, but i'm afraid my thoughts will jinx it... well here's hoping.
i was basically like "i'm really sick of bad days!" so i was more smily than i might have been. i enjoyed myself in chemistry, and just basically smatchetted through english. tried to do history homework, but had more fun eating crackers. hoorah! latin was bleggity because we have a quiz friday which i'm going to fail. i got a 75 on the last quiz ahahaaaa. i'm really dumb. a lot of people are like "ohh i'm going to fail" and then they get a 96. well fuck that. i really do fail. lunch wasn't too great, because katherine was absent. the poor dear is sick, i feel awful for her. i want to call, but i don't want to wake her up or anything. so basically, nisha, brock, and sallis spent the whole time talking about bridgebuilders. for a little while, tarah came to talk. i didn't have much to say, which i felt stupid for. blaghh me. oh i forgot to say this. the other day i was going to sarah's car after school, and i heard this car honk. i turned around, and it was tarah riding with one of her poppity friends and tarah had apparently made her honk so that she could wave to me. aww how nice is that? i love tarah.
anyway, the funniest thing ever happened today. ahahaohhaah oh my. the history class was waiting outside the room, for ms. ervin to come unlock the door. during the wait, kevin was walking by, and he said hello so i grabbed him and hugged him, and he did his wonderful ear-whisper thing. i love that thing. then during his classic kevin take-off, in which he just spins around and marches off, he SMASHED INTO MS. ERVIN. AHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh my god. it was this amazing clash of orange and pink. HYSTERICAL. especially to me. her face was great, also. too bad there wasn't more screaming. but JESUS HAHAHAHA.
in other news, i got an 89 on the test yesterday that i was thoroughly prepared to fail, and a fucking NINETY-FOUR 94 94 94 ON MY PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY FROM LAST THURSDAY. oh my god, i was really amazed. i'm still falling apart. that's about it. brock forgot to give me back my math homework, so i got my first 0 of the six weeks on homework. and i was doing so well, too. hahah it's no big deal, whatevar. it was just funny because he found me after school, holding it, going "I'M SO SORRRYYY." what a nice boy. too bad he's sick of me. aha.

listening to: rasputina - the remnants of percy bass

let's hope today is better than yesterday, which was better than monday. woowoo we're going up!

i wrote this in chemistry:

today sucks. i accidentally fell asleep at 9:30 last night before i had finished half my homework or studied for the history test. genius me. as if i don't already feel like shit. aside from that, in the course of a week, i've managed to fuck up every relationship i'm involved in. i gave becca perfect reason to lose all trust in me, brock is bored to death with my company, and i don't really feel like expoudning upon the tragedies of the other ones, but i am sure that everyone hates me. i feel like such a troubled fucking teen today. mostly it's just angst, but yeah i know that to some extent there is this "anxiety" issue thing. i've really never thought of myself as an anxious person, but i guess it makes some sense.
shit, last year i was so full of hope. whenever i was depressed at all, it wasn't actually that bad because i was doing such-and-such a thing or so-and-so was around. i don't know.
i didn't get to mention this yet, but at lunch yesterday i was in an AWFUL mood. i had the piece-of-shit-iest day ever, and i just wanted to relax for a few minutes. nisha was complaining about having to do some homework and when no one accepted her proposal of getting paid to do it for her, she started reading it out loud while she worked it. just to be annoying. everyone else ignored her, but somehow i just couldn't. i was so fucking tired. just of shit. but fuck me for not wanting to listen to nisha's vocabulary sentences. i asked her to stop. i TOLD her to stop. i commanded. i threatened. i did what i threatened to do. it was really immature on both of our parts -- nisha's event, my action, her reaction.
her jacket only got a little capri sun on it anyway. it was still mostly threat. and anyway, i'm used to people who wouldn't actually take offense from that... allison and i did it constantly last year. it was just another thing to distance me and nisha, i guess. again we have been proved very different people, and it just makes me like her less. plus, she is one of the most annoying people that i have to come in contact with. seriously. she's up there with ronald.
anyway, she retaliated by trying to pour her sprite into my lap. i'm sorry, but this is very different from a little capri sun squirt. however, she was really slow about it, so i had time to move her arm out of the way before she overturned that bitch. basically, i didn't get wet. just my lunchbox slightly. she spilled more on herself and the innocent members of our lunch table (especially brock, who was between us) and their homework than on me. i felt bad for dragging other people into the childish little thing, and i think i apologized to them, but not to nisha. i'm just too much of a mean person for that. everyone who isn't already sick of me will be soon. bloody brilliant.

today is awful. GOPWIEHAPOWHIEGOHAIOHWOEHA i want some pizza.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.

does anyone have any ideas for how we are going to get into rasputina?
1. go before 9, before they put the bouncer out. eat and eat and eat.
2. bring someone over 18.
3. email the band and beg.
4. hide in the bathroom.
5. sit outside and sulk. at least that way we could hear some of the music, and meet the band afterwards.

anything else?

and who exactly is coming to this thing, anyway? becca and laylee told me to keep it small, but i feel bad because i found out about it and told all kinds of people. i doubt most of them will come, though, because they're only small fans, and it's a sunday night, so. but all souls' day, what a great day for them to be here!

coming out of "blue citrus hearts" has been beautiful every time. this time i was with morgan and a big group of her friends, and they were lovely. however, as soon as we got into the lobby, mom and dad bombarded us with annoyance. their movie had finished 20 minutes before we got out, and they were not very happy. it shouldn't be my fault that our movie started 10 minutes late and had a Q+A at the end, but somehow it was. the rest of the ride home was full of the entire family being pissed off at me, so i was pissed off at them too. it wasn't pretty. it still isn't pretty. i'm annoyed that my night is no longer pretty. and i finally had a good sunday, too. and dad is kicking me off now. brilliant.

listening to: the raveonettes - love can destroy

today is a good sunday. having eileen over was very nice. i'm so glad my sister can have cool friends. that lucky ducky. they have gone to rehearsal right now, but we had a really nice morning. we recorded lots of music and filmed all kinds of randomness and eileen joined DOY. woohoo! i'm in a nice mood, but i have to go do my homework soon...
blue citrus hearts. 7 pm. peabody place. indie memphis. please come, kids. it's a nice film. plus i'll be there and i need to see you.

the night has gotten really nice. morgan's friend eileen is awesome. i had only met her once briefly before tonight, but i really like her and i'm glad morgan can have such a cool friend. i can hear her playing guitar to morgan in the bedroom right now. aww. i'm about to go in there. we played some really silly music, and recorded some silly things on the camera, and i feel insanely creative right now. go figure. i told you that late nights are way productive. i think i told you, anyway.
download an mp3 of morgan's poem that we sort of ... did.

listening to: eileen

today turned out how i thought it would, but sort of through a different way. i'd thought i would spend most of the day helping brock and wenli with their french videos and not having any fun, and then me and brock would probably go do some okay event afterwards. instead, we worked on these videos literally all day long. brock called and woke me up at 11:20 and i got to his house at like 12:45. sorry it took me so long. i had to buy tapes and stuff too, though. wenli and i got there at the exact same time. we all stood around and ate nutella on crackers for a few minutes before getting started with brock's video (a commercial for his house, done in french). before too long, melissa showed up driving her dad's car, and we filmed wenli's video (a french commercial for the car). then melissa left and we finished filming for brock. at about 4:30 the three of us came to my house, ate at sonic, and finally finished editting wenli's video just after 7. i felt bad that we'd taken up so much of her time. then brock and i started to work on his video. it took forever. nobody seems to realize how long editting stuff actually takes. we had planned to finish up quickly, and take in a movie at the film fest because brock knew i wanted to go. what a nice boy.
unfortunately, that is not what happened. we spent forever trying to just get the basics done, which wasn't too bad. brock editted himself, and i helped him out along the way. that was really nice. then when we had the basic structure of the video done, we went back to add the intro and some other tidbits. for the opening, brock had planned to sing this song to the tune of a mozart piece, so i left the room for him to do it. a good while later, he came back to morgan's room, where she, eileen (who is spending the night), and i were listening to morgan's first and very infamous mix cd. we all danced around to a few songs. then brock went back to try to record the song some more. i came in a while later, and he had given up. i tried to help him some, but then morgan and eileen came in, and everything fell away to hell. we watched as much of brock's video as we had done, wenli's video, bb3, and the yeah yeah yeahs "maps" video. yes again. giowhpihwg. morgan is obsessive. then brock called his mom to come pick him up. he was obviously really tired. poor kid. it was another night where it feels like someone needs to spend the night. maybe it was just because of eileen being here and everything, and the beautiful little moment in morgan's room with all of us dancing and singing on the bed. it felt very slumber party. where is my friend? i'm all alone online, while they are partying on the other side of the house. mope mope mope.
but actually getting to hang out with brock was really nice today. some shit that has been going through my head wasn't there tonight, which i was very happy about. i don't know what's been up. oh well. but it was really funny having wenli there, because she pointed out (or sometimes her presence just made me realize) all these things brock and i do, like randomly bursting into songs and whatnot. it was just nice, because it made me feel connected to him. special and all that. maybe that was part of what made the day better.
dad just brought me a package from katie!!! katie, i don't know if you read this blog, but DEAR GOD i'm so sorry i still haven't sent you a letter. i feel awful about that. you're the sweetest kid ever and thank you SO MUCH for the sigur rós cd and the advanced copy of wasteland (which seems really short!!!). i love you katie! weeeeoooooo.
wenli is talking to me, and it is really nice. i liked getting to hang out with her today, because i haven't before. so that is very good. i like her.
eileen and morgan are coming in, so i must depart.

I GET ALONG JUST SINGING MY SONG, PEOPLE TELL ME I'M WRONG

...fuck em...

(GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG)


listening to: LIBERTINES, MUTHAFUCKA!

holy shit i'm still eating my cold french fries. i got them at like 7. they were cold by 7:01.
how is THAT for slow eating, muthafucka?!

just got off the phone with brock. i love talking to him until his phone dies. wahaha. i love that even though we hear it beep and dying, he always calls back to let me know that his phone died, but that maybe he would call me back on the cell later when it became free. today was pretty blagh. fucking friday on a shit stick. oh well. i have a root beer float.

GWAHAHAH WILLIAM HAS A RASPUTINA LINE FROM "THE NEW ZERO" IN HIS AIM AWAY MESSAGE. WAAHHHH AND IT'S A GREAT LINE. WAAAAHHHHHHH i'm happy.
can he help us get into the show next sunday?

fuck this shit, i'm walking to sonic.

today sucks. you know the usual friday feeling of WEEEE WEEKEND? well i had that yesterday. but no longer, my friend. for some reason this weekend looks sickly bleak and hopeless. so far, that outlook has proven true. i came home alone from school and have been here ever since. doing nothing. and i hate it. i asked dad to take me to the scribbler coffeehouse, for COMPLETE lack of things to do, but he will be in a meeting later and wouldn't be able to pick me up. everyone is doing shit. i'm alone. oh well. i would like to go to the indie memphis film festival. no ride. this is really shitty. someone come save me haha?
tomorrow doesn't look any better. i have to film/edit brock's and wenli's french projects. oh well, it'll probably be funnish. but i would so much rather be working on one of OUR films, you know? when brock first said he was working on his french movie, i freaked out. then i realized he meant the stupid commercial for class. he's making the most of it, though, and it should be funny. i just hope it doesn't take too insanely long to do, and that i don't fall asleep in midst of all the french. why is morgan watching degreassi? also, elise's play is this weekend, and i only feel slightly bad that i can't go. last night i was busy, tonight i have no rides (but if i did, i would probably resort to the play), and tomorrow i will be filming. i talked to elise for about 30 seconds longer than normal a little while ago. it was odd. she said she might call later, i don't know how that will go. i think we have different views on why we are no longer hanging out/talking at all. and i didn't really know what to say to gently dissuade her because there is no gentle way to do it. the plain truth is that we just are not compatible friends. we don't have enough in common. and when it gets to the point that nearly every little thing someone does is bugging you, you just have to lay it down. why do my posts lately keep becoming these damned nuts life repetetive shits? stop me, someone.

listening to: adam ant - kick