library life

after a weekend of cooking my brain and losing my mind and crushing my body, i was terrified and panicked to start my new job. even at the library! even though i should've felt perfect, i was in a panic after not having had a "real" job for years (ever??)

last night i could hardly sleep, and when i did, i was woken up over and over by my nightmares -- sexual violence and terror and mundane garbage. in the last dream, around 6am, i had to get to work but i was stuck in south boston with thursday and time kept moving and we kept not catching each other to come back to baltimore.

but despite the lack of sleep, i felt motivated and capable all morning. in the shower, i realized i'd been humming "polly, put your kettle on," my literal get-it-done theme song back in austin. i knew i could do it all! i immediately put on some coffee, put together my outfit, and put my diva cup in a pot to boil WHICH I HAVEN'T USED IN A YEAR because i haven't cleaned it. what!!!!

i left the house an hour before my shift to pop into artifact for an egg-cheese-mushroom muffin and, let's face it, a soy latte. despite being there much longer than anticipated, i didn't feel too rushed on the half-hour commute and even though i'd never been there, i didn't feel too stressed about driving across baltimore. these skinny bumpy streets confuse me but somehow i'm learning just by being a passenger. my learning style is observation sponge, and even i don't know it's working till way down the road.



SO. revelations:

• libraries are always going to be comfortable, no matter what.
• librarians are awkward turtles and i don't have to be scared of them.
• i thrive in a service position!
• i love to help people!
• helping people makes me love people!
• i am capable of being confident!
• i believe i can accomplish things that regular people can. (fix my car, fix my life.)
• i believe i can still retain my sense of self and my weirdness while working a "normal" job.
• i think i can also stop smoking! i can! or at least cut way down.