humiliation was imminent

so, morgan and i decided a few days ago that we had to see the decemberists at their show in asheville. it was sorta last minute, so they weren't the *best* seats in the house, but they were pretty good, considering. yes, they played a huge auditorium, complete with balcony and all. i was very stressed out about getting to the theatre on time. i worked until about 6 and then sat in gladfelter till about 6:40 when i realized what time it was and rushed over the bridge, and morgan and eva asked if we could go by malaprops beforehand and i said "i guess so we have to leave RIGHT NOW" and off we ran. well of course there were still people arriving all throughout the first band's set and even afterwards. the opening act was laura viers and the hall of flames who i began to enjoy more and more as they played more songs. not the most spectacular lyrics, but some of her images were interesting. it was interesting to see a 5-piece band that sounded so minimal. a large part of it was the absence of drums.. they did have one floor tom that they played occasionally. it was just interesting for so many people to have such a minimal, simple sound. it was nice... but very calming, and not a great preparation for the decemberists' set, if you ask me. there was something like a 15 minute break after laura viers, and finally finally the lights dimmed and the decemberists took the stage. they played "the hazards of love" from start to finish, with guest vocalists becky stark from lavendar diamond, as margaret, and shara worden from my brightest diamond as the forest queen. i thought their microphones were too quiet, or that the guitars were too loud, or something, because i couldn't hear them as well as i would've liked. still, i could tell that becky's voice is much stronger than the album would have me believe. (morgan tells me that in her own band, she sings big. i'm not sure why they made that choice on the decemberists album... could it be because she is a frail little woman, the lover rather than the protagonist? ugh.) her voice is beautiful, but her dancing is... not. it almost looked like shara was teaching her to dance at some points. both of them had very stylized sort of moves, to get them from the back of the stage to the front, and highly theatrical poses during their singing parts. becky as margaret just wilted all over the place, her hands in poses of submission, totally helpless and frail. shara, on the other hand, was intense, punchy and low and angular, and soooooo much fun to watch. i definitely want to look into her other music now. although both of their moves seemed pretty planned out, becky seemed a lot more stiff and self-conscious than shara. i would have thought that after being on tour with them for so long, she would have gotten into the part a little more. but, of course, the whole thing was just beautiful, but the story still confuses me.. i mean, i get the basic plot structure, but i have a hard time following the transitions and understanding exactly what is going on at any given moment. and the climax.. i just don't understand at all. so then there was another 15 minute break before their second set! this was quite exciting. colin informed us that they had crafted the setlist specifically for asheville: all their 'country' songs. "but it turns out we're not a country band" and they were apparently surprised by how few country songs they had. the songs were not all my favorites, but there were some real gems in there. so the set: Angel, Won't You Call Me?; Leslie Anne Levine; Crane Wife 3; Down By the Water; Shankhill Butchers; Chimbley Sweep; Dracula's Daughter; O Valencia; Crazy on You.
Down By The Water is a new song featuring colin on harmonica, and that was lots of fun. Chimbley Sweep was completely ridiculous and got totally silly about halfway through. during the bridge, colin wandered out into the audience and climbed on the seats and was deposited back onto the stage, only to pretend/attempt to play his guitar with his teeth. he said he'd never tried that before, but i don't know if i believe it. then the other guitarist was trying it too, but they couldn't do it at all. finally colin said "i bet you're starting to wonder 'how much did i pay for that ticket after all?'" and i was too. but the madness didn't end there.. colin continued to wander around the stage, trying his hand at drums, and then accordion. everyone was switching instruments, and jumping around, and it was quite silly, but went on just a little too long. colin seemed to be taking advantage of the audience by just doing whatever he pleased, whether or not we liked it -- we were sort of stuck there, after all. so finally they went and played the rest of the song... and then what colin called the worst song he had ever written: Dracula's Daughter. proceeded by a ridiculously long story about how after he wrote it, he was crushed by his own paper, his feather pen floated to the floor, the candles were snuffed out, and god shed a single tear, leading to the creation of the nile river and the pyramids?? i'm telling you, it was just silly! HOWEVER the band quickly redeemed itself with O Valencia... morgan and i stood up to dance. then, the diamond ladies came back out to sing a cover of CRAZY ON YOU and it was AMAZING why was it so amazing i dont know. that song really shouldnt be as great as it is.. i'm gonna download a heart album, dont tell. well, we didnt even have to clap and stamp our feet for too long before colin and john, the giraffe drummer, came back out to sing the newish Raincoat Song, which i remember liking quite a bit, but you know... by this point it was pretty obvious that things were winding down. it was like a lullaby, and i thought they might end there. however, they did not. the rest of the band (and the diamonds) came back out to sing Sons and Daughters for their last song, of course. colin finally gave us a bit of audience participation and told us to keep singing out into the streets and into our beds whether or not it annoyed our roommates. however, asheville hipsters suck at audience participation, and it was the most pathetic thing ever. colin kept having to yell things like, "sing from your chest!" and blah. that was lame... but the show was still great.
johanna was sitting two rows behind us, and she needed a ride home, so i gave her one. on the way to the car, the wind blew morgan's dress all the way up, and she squealed and laughed about it all the way home. we dropped johanna off at the village, but the party there looked dead. back in dorland, we opened a big bottle of pinot noir and watched some videos before morgan and eva had to go to sleep. i took the wine and called renee, and she and i decided to traipse around campus for a bit. we went to the ballfields to find the 90s party, but julie told us she had shut it down because they didn't have a party contract... lame. then we sat outside of schafer and talked to carrie for a while. she was on a queer debutante ball/coming out stories kick, and it transferred to renee and i after she went to bed. eventually we got cold and went to my room to piss and find jackets and more wine. we wanted to smoke so we ended up at... the sunderland smoking hut. this kid elliot was there and renee knows him so we sat down for a while. he is in my film class and we got into a big discussion about breathless and just about movies in general. his friend emma, it turned out, had also been at the show, so we talked about that too. a girl came outside who had apparently had alcohol poisoning that night. her RA had called 911, she was taken away in an ambulance, and had to piss in a cup at a gas station, which she did, but escaped through the back door, and hitched a ride back to school. she had been hiding out in the smoking hut ever since but seemed to be sort of freaking out and thinking about dropping out of school. i met a girl named hannah from atlanta who wanted to know about memphis, and a kid named taylor who was responsible for the miserable movie night on thursday and was generally obnoxious, and a weird guy drinking from a flask who was talking about running over deer. there was a quiet kid who should have stuck around. my shining moments of the evening were 1) spotting a possum that no one would have seen (or been able to identify, apparently) if not for my quick eye and 2) reading (almost perfectly) "spring" by gerard manley hopkins from the ancient, damp norton anthology that i had mistaken for a bible but started drooling over when i opened it to a page of browning.
somehow i stayed out there till 5am, i dont understand at all. did i make any friends? we'll see.
today i slept and slept through all the rain, and had that miserable dream (detailed below). i have not gone outside, i have not left my room. tonight is the lord of the rings/arts and crafts party in laura miess's room. should be exciting! renee says she will help make art for my room, since my walls are so devastatingly blank. there's a superhero dance party in my dorm, so i'll probably go for a little while. i have a feeling there were a lot of things i was planning to do today. however, i have forgotten them all and i don't feel like looking at my list to find out what they were just yet. instead i will make some tea and listen to songs.


listening to: rasputina - cage in a cave

words have nearly always hung me

my first paper of the semester was due today. i wanted to get started on it on tuesday night, but between going to ingles, eating ben's birthday cake, and studying for my astronomy test, there wasn't time. last night i sat down around 8:30 to write the paper, made lists of notes, organized them into paragraph topics, and then fucking panicked. it has become inevitable that all my papers go this way. i turned in almost every paper late last semester because i didnt start till the last minute and then i forgot how to write a paper, every time. i am considering going to the writing center for advice. i'm sure they'll say, write your outline and thesis paragraph two weeks ahead of time (my book hadnt even arrived in the mail yet) and write a paragraph every day (the most important part of the reading was the last 20 pages, which i read yesterday) and bring it to the writing center 5 days in advance. well, i wish i could do that. this keeps happening when i try to write papers and i feel like a total failure. it used to be my biggest (only) strength in school. i would gladly write a paper over giving a presentation or making a poster. where did i go wrong?
i guess i'll blame new orleans.

september 4, excerpted from my journal

today in class he treats ben like a dog. yells at him -- "Ben, Stop!" humiliating him and the rest of us. i can barely keep from sliding under the table. why couldn't he say "please" or at least treat him with respect? the classroom suddenly feels like a hierarchy, just like at work, and i'm uncomfortable with my position, wherever it is. i must be a masochist to continually be in this situation, to put myself near this man every day. i consider poison -- nothing fatal. then i consider switching crews but i doubt i could do it. then i'm thinking about my classes, which have seemed fine until now, how i know they will make me miserable because that's just the inevitability of going to school, and being surrounded by humans-- the obnoxious laughing fuckers in film class, the unbearable silence of my all-female women's history class, the droning voice and roaming eyes of my astronomy professor, and dear old bradshaw. it's over before it's begun, and i can't seem to stop the slide. i wonder how long i'll try.

film class makes me full of myself. i might turn into a snob. was this a bad idea?
feel like making eyes with everyone... another bad idea?
every day this week i've passed the same cigarette butt on the third step on the stairs by the cowpie patio on the way to the library. i wonder why no one has bothered to pick it up, at eco-college. maybe it's fear of swine flu? but still, it's surprising, nonetheless. i realize that i haven't bothered to pick it up either, which i can justify -- if i picked it up, i might be tempted to smoke it. but that's a silly mind game, and i am just the same as everyone else.

i am sick to death of cleverness

just took my first nighttime shower in the dorm... so relaxing! didnt have to worry about running to work or anywhere at all. and no party in the suite to make my nakedness uncomfortable or public. yeehaw. homework time. COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE

ugh i shouldn't have written this, it has sparked a miserable chain of internet events that are nothing like homework or phone calls to the bank or any of the other things on my to-do list. and not even a good post.... this is my stupid life.

you can hear the whole world whispering

so me and christian made the 11 hour trek to chicago and yes, we even made it back to the mountains. i have no words right now for how it feels to be back... i'm very confused. grateful for the trees and the birds and the SPRING but not the stress and tension. well i guess those were words, but i dont think it really counts.
i dont feel like talking about chicago right now. ask me later, if you care.
MEANWHILE today was the first day back at school. waking up at 8am sucked mightily, but i made it out of bed and got to work TWO MINUTES EARLY. [applause] well folks i checked my mid-term grades and they're not too shabby... various forms of the Ace and a B for Bradshaw, but thats beautiful because of my bumbling bastardization of a research paper. so now i feel like i'm allowed to be a little more relaxed about school, just knowing that i probably dont have to destroy/depress myself when things will be fine. i forgot that that is sort of how school works. ha! seems like years since i have remembered this fact. who keeps these sorts of secrets? after vics, it's lunchtime but i got to avoid gladfelter thanks to a leftover half subway sandwich from the road. hallelujah! i never felt so free. i walked in circles, even! i scrapped my usual beeline to the food trough and stumbled nonlinearly through the formal gardens and behind some unfamiliar buildings till i found a lone red backpack, full of water-logged papers. i could use this kind of company, and the view was good, so i made my spot. immediately i notice, as anyone must when sitting in the grass, that the whole ground is moving, and blades of grass flick up and down with the weight of sturdy black ants. do people talk about 'an army of ants'? i feel like this is a phrase i've heard, but it's not very accurate (well, maybe for fire ants), because the buggers are just all every whichaway and scrambling here and there with no real sense of unity except for FOOD. which is what i had, and there seemed to be more and more of them as my picnic went on. but i thought it was just wonderful, because bugs are just such joyful company, although i dont think they really thought the same of me. i did try to reach out a friendly hand, but the reaction was never good. i suppose it's a helpful lesson for me, to be reminded of my true size and also that they feared me and my power, despite my good intentions. i think these are good things to remember. in any case, i gave them a bit of onion and lettuce and watched them haul it about, to my great delight. maybe people wouldnt complain so much about ants ruining the picnic if they would just learn to share a little... it's really great entertainment, seeing how a tiny ant can tear apart huge chunks of food and lift, what, twenty times its own weight? incredible! so i sat and ate my sandwich and watched the ants carrying parts of it away and let the springy breeze wash me over. ohhh the spring! it always makes me feel so completely renewed, to the point of cliche. and today i just sat on the top of this little hill of brush and i couldn't hear anything but birds and mountain sounds, and a far-off drum circle which i will attribute to the theatre department. and a sudden click-click-click-click made me look up and i thought something was gonna explode and kill me, but it was just a woodpecker, and i really wished i had my camera to shoot him perfectly framed between two powerlines, and the sun spitting somewhere through the clouds, and i can hardly stand to look up out there but i have to, because of the birds! every movement in the grass and the trees and the brush is fluid and sudden and i'm hyperaware until a FUCKING BUMBLE BEE comes at me out of NOWHERE, literally flying straight for my eyeball, and me literally squealing and falling over onto the grass with my sandwich. WHAT are you thinking, bumble bee, why dont you bumble over there? but then i remembered that i can make a good bug friend, and the bumblebee doesnt want to hurt me at all, and just wants to say hello. okay, hello, you can come back now. so he comes back and my sandwich is pretty much done so i leave the limp tomato on the ground and follow the bee to an odd little non-path that goes down the hill through the brush and i can see a butterfly flitting over an abandoned well just up ahead. well, of course, i have to take this walk, but when i move, i scare a feral cat, and she runs outta there pretty quick. definitely a black cat in my path, is this an omen? i'm sorry i scared you, kitty. good luck in the woods. two oddities: some forgotten "tree gear" hanging off a branch and nearly drowned on the forest floor AND a beautiful black-striped rock sitting on a rubbermaid barrel like an altar. so this little non-path lead down the hill to a real trail, and i have to walk along this for a few minutes, with the bee trying to bumble into me the whole time. what the hell are you thinking?! along the path, there's all these strange rock structures whose purpose is sort of lost on me... i need to research this. to me, they look like shrines or cradles, and i want to crawl in even though i am not rock people. maybe one day i'll go take a nap there, at least, and see what i can see. the float and the flutter calls me OUT and everywhere but i realize that it's 1pm and i am officially late for class. i followed the path back, i picked up my paper and plastics, i went back to the buildings. i had to stop on the way to take a picture of a beautiful dead bird with my fucking camera phone. was that disrespectful? i have to think about it.

didnt i didnt i didnt i

this week has been BIZARRE. my alarm has been messed up and i've woken up hours late every single day this week (not counting sunday, when i did not wake up, because i didnt go to sleep, and i still didnt finish my paper, but at least i turned something in) and i've missed some work and some class and a fucking exam, but i am making up the exam on friday. pretty much everything has been really up and down... i know that i keep saying that and it's sort of a theme for the semester, but i really mean it this week! didn't i say a while back that it seems like every week gets crazier and more intense?? i think it's true, because this week has just been absolute insanity. the weather has been BEAUTIFUL ever since the weekend, just like spring! which is crazy, after the fucking snow attack last monday. the weather has really helped to improve my mood, which basically means distracting me from the shit that i have to do. i am gonna go ahead and talk about yesterday in list form since it was just crazy.
--alarm clock somehow silent, woke up at 11:40
--sent yet another apology email to carol howard
--upset and talked to brett, who convinced me to go to class
--danced and class flew by! did an awesome stretch
--got an email from an otherkin type who is coming here in the fall... YES
--shower with my new tea tree body warsh. contemplated singing, but didnt.
--picked up a mysterious package from the post office, but i'm not allowed to open it yet.
--WORK. looked through archival photos and giggled with emily
--bossman informed us that my coworker/friend is withdrawing from school... i got really down and didnt know what to do besides send her a facebook message, how lame is that.
--vegan cajun dinner at cowpie!! OH YES I DID eat three bowls of etouffee!
--morgan takes me to the secret hammock and i get barefoot outside for the first time in far, far too long
--forced myself to go to the library to study for anthro mid-term
--talked to rachel on gchat instead!! sine we last talked, her life has become completely insane!
--talked to risu-kun the otherkin on gchat!! WOW SO EXCITING
--library closed at midnight, i saw TWO possums on the walk over the bridge!
--brett and i distracted each other for an hour or so
--tried to work on anthro study sheet
--talked to JEREL on gchat for hours! it was fucking great and intense and weird and damn it if i dont miss him like hell sometimes.
--finally went to bed around 5:30. i felt sort of guilty because i'd had my lamp on the whole time but my roommate seemed to be sleeping fine and she didn't complain. today, my alarm fucked up again somehow, but it managed to be an alright day anyway i guess. i rushed around trying to finish my study thing for anthro but i barely used it on the exam after all and i think i did okay anyway. went to work. talked to brett on gchat but kept having to hide the window from my bosses, i dont know how successful that was. WOOPS. i wanted to stay late to make up for some lost hours but i had to meet with bradshaw at 5 to talk about my progress and my paper. it turned out that he hadnt looked at my paper, so he hadnt seen how bad it was and he didnt get the note i left with it. there were a few things i had intended to say but couldnt because even listening to him talk about it made my throat close up and all i could do to keep from breaking down was keep drinking the fucking rose tea that he always gives me. and he kept saying things like "you cant flog yourself, that's just not productive." and he kept saying that i need to take more initiative but also that i need to chill out. we talked for an hour, but mostly i was just listening, laughing at the appropriate times, nodding, and trying not to fall apart.
tomorrow i am seeing the school counselor. i can't wait for this fucking week to be over.
this weekend is the beginning of spring break! my parents are driving up on saturday to pick up my sister and take us out to dinner at tupelo honey where i will eat veggies and drink wine and talk with my wonderful family. on sunday, me and new friend christian are road trippin it to chicago. he can't drive but he is making cookies. i will be so grateful for the company, and i know he will keep me entertained. i hope it's a big ole bonding experience, because i think he's really cool, and i'd like to get to know him better. in chicago, i'm staying with brett at the bowers house, tagging along to class and pretending i'm in art school for the week. i am really excited and nervous.. there's so much to DO and sometimes our visits together go really nicely and some of them are not good. there's been so much anticipation, i feel like it HAS to be good! i am hoping that next week will keep up with the pattern of the semester by being intense in some new ways and then being relaxing in others. you know what i mean? you might not, but you can imagine. anyway, everyone should send good energy to me and my vehicle on sunday.

I saw a thousand darling imps

WHY didn't i just choose to write about sex in victorian fairy tales like a normal college kid??? WHY did i go and choose this completely impossible and unsummarizable topic that is at once totally fascinating to me and completely frustrating?!?!!
it's moments like this that i really hate myself. why can't i seem to change?? i do this every time. and now it's 12 hours till the paper is due and i have one page written and a pile of fucking notes and THREE piles of references on my desk and AHHHHH i am about to drink some venom to stay up all night, wish me luck and pray that the fairies help me finish this.
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS OHHHHHH FUCK 11 HOURS

listening to: suitemates watching the dark knight and kids outside singing around a bonfire

skipped work. skipping class. slept 10 hours and even had a dream, but it was gone before i brushed my teeth.
health center tells me that i'm not sick, but i beg to differ.
is the divacup sexy?

i could not embrace the day

THE THERMALS ARE COMING TO MEMPHIS!!!
perfect timing, it's only a few days after i get out of school. a great way to start the summer! this summer will be very busy, of course, again. i will be shooting/editing concrete (yes, still), attending the radical queer convergence in chicago, and there's some talk of SV going on tour, but i dont know if that's still happening. i have been looking at the idapalooza website and getting lovesick for it, but i might be too busy to go... i will have to wait and see what the lineup is, because what if it is too good to miss? then again, there is SO much to do, especially with the movie.... and we really need to get as much done this summer as we can. or else, we will never finish.

this week was one of those ones where you are never sure what day it is, even when the day is half-over. i kept getting confused about which classes i had next, and i would be walking somewhere and not remembering where i was going. maybe i can blame these feelings on the very large bump i took to the head on saturday night, but i don't really feel like placing blame there, it is bad enough already.
it was one of those weeks where each night, you go to bed miserable, realizing you will only get three to five hours of sleep, knowing you will never catch up, and wondering where you went wrong. everything is in a hazy daze and it's all that you can do to even realize that you are tired, because you're just so busy. there is always somewhere to be, something to read or write, something else to be thinking about next. on wednesday someone gave me the advice to "slow down and take some time for yourself" to which i responded "I WILL IF I HAVE TIME!" i usually try to chill out for a little while after dinner but then i end up getting mad at myself for not working, and not finishing what i have to do.
this was one of those weeks where you don't finish any of the things you are supposed to be doing, despite all the planning and time-budgeting and trying to do everything right... nothing goes right. when you finally try to talk to people, thinking you have time for meaningful conversation, you give out bad advice. the conversation you've been needing to have for weeks spirals out of control, leaving you depressed, frustrated, and ultimately too tired to do your homework. i had a take-home exam due on monday that i didn't turn in until wednesday... my professor was so nice, he didn't take off any points for it being late, which is so amazingly lucky. i hope i did a good job on it so that he doesnt feel like it was undeserved. then i had a paper due on friday which i really didn't mean to put off until the night before, but somehow that happened, and i thought it would be easy to do, but everything got away from me, and i ended up writing a really stupid email to my professor at 4:30 in the morning explaining why i couldn't turn the paper in that day. no good reasons, of course.
it was a week for fighting and making up. for unsteadiness and unsureness how to ask for help. for sickness and possible roads to recovery. for conversations left incomplete, and the fear of pressing forward. was i ever able to communicate? it doesn't seem that way. maybe part of the problem is that all these things are going on, leaving me unable to really process what i'm thinking, so when i try to talk, my thoughts are jumbled and i don't know how to get where i need to go. does this change? am i stuck this way forever?
i think i'm gonna clean my room. this seems like a step in the right direction. or maybe i will take a nap.

listening to: hope for agoldensummer - midwest

big birds have been known to dive

i've decided that instead of rambling to certain ghost-town im boxes, i should start blogging more. i've also decided to start collecting more quotes and word artifacts. especially, i want to make a big list of good things about birds and wings. i think that would help. on monday i got a package from katherine with a movie called "jump cut" and 2 very sweet letters, and one from brett containing simply toenails in electrical tape and a swan figurine, which is now preparing for flight on top of my external hardrive. my desk is getting to be a ridiculous mess, not unlike the rest of my room.

things that are currently on my desk:
--laptop
--harddrive featuring swan friend
--lamp
--southern comfort flavored coffee
--a jar of buttons and thread
--fake willy kitty "furreal" companion
--64 box of crayons (the one with the sharpener and the maze)
--natural deodorant stick (lavender scent)
--one daily multi-vitamins
--microgestin fe 1/20
--purple nalgene
--plastic cup of jungle juice from saturday's funk party
--red washcloth
--rit dyed feather
--framed photo of boy in spaceship by tom
--half of a rollie
--59 cents
--the master letters of emily dickinson
--journal with the nyc subway cover
--dead ladybugs from the window hole
--the aforementioned packages and all their contents
--completely bizarre birthday postcard from tom
--blue felt
--grimm's bad girls and bold boys: the moral and social vision of the tales
--black gloves
--shoe insert gel things
--happy birthday signs and a card
--sailor mooooon
--unhatched egg plant from katherine
--envelope note from dr. bradshaw
--a little frog
--fork
--hilary's bandana
--trash of course.

i was thinking that might inspire me to clean up, but it's sort of just fascinating knowing that all of that is here. and my drawers are so empty! i guess i am a Piler. the faeries will never visit me if i don't tidy up...

have i mentioned that monday was freaking gorgeous? i could have sworn it was spring. it was the first time i've really been able to smell anything since i got here, so walking around campus was pleasantly surprising... everything felt new and refreshed. i knew that my office building overlooks the farm, but i didn't realize you could smell it so strongly from way up the hill! you could feel the air getting heavy with heat, and when i walked to the post office in a tshirt, my hands swinging against the clicking pressures of the wind i forced apart, charging up the hill. what a beautiful day!

ben just came over to compare our human sex maps and share stories.. he was here for almost 3 hours and i had no idea how much time had gone by! now it's totally late and i can't remember what else i was planning to write, so i'm just gonna leave it and crash. (let me know if you wanna compare sex maps. ho HO!)

listening to: hop along, queen ansleis - sirens

today all the snow melted.
i have a miserable headache.
i am going to laura miess's birthday dinner at thai basil because i deserve it.
it has been a loooooooong week.
i had some really good conversations, though, in which i was told that i was good to talk to, good with advice, and good at mothering. who knew?
it sounds cheesy, but it's really nice to have these sorts of conversations where someone tells you that you've made htem feel better. i sort of miss those.
must run off to this restaurant.... and probably spend the rest of the night cooped up in schafer c.
we'll seeeee

listening to: the jackson 5 - i'll be there

i'm finding i can fly so high above with you

it's a fucking winter wonderland outside and i didn't get any classes cancelled!!!! what is this!? not my life, i assure you.
yesterday at work, i glanced up from my meaningless existence and saw the freaking bundles of snow pouring around like some kind of explosion at the soap flakes factory. jon said "you can't see the mountain, that means it's snowing!" sure enough, you couldnt see the mountain. it was just whiteness, and some pigs. by the time i left work at 5, there was a nice fat coat of snow on everything. i met up with morgan to eat dinner at gladfelter, where i had salad, corn on the cob, and apple jacks. i tried to do some homework in her room, because my suite is rowdy and never quiet, and i had to read the first half of "in memoriam." but ben came over pretty soon and said "let's go play in the snow!!" and how could we refuse? we had a little snowball fight and saw some other kids running around and even witnessed a few bursts of fireworks. i stuffed so much snow into my face... i had a snow beard, or three.
spent the rest of the night trying to read tennyson, but with very little success. finally trudged back to my dorm around 1am... i actually had a sort of difficult time getting to the right path, since everything was so completely transformed in all the snow. all the lightposts looked the same and my usual landmarks were mostly absent. i wasnt even really bothered by the cold that night because everything was so beautiful and moony. although i was worried i was gonna slip on the hill after the bridge, and i had to hold on to the railing, and i was glad that no one else was awake to see me being so nervosous. tried to read some more in bed but was too tired to get much done. when brett called, i mumbled some incoherent babbles, and since i couldn't make conversation, simply professed my love over and over. so, that's going well.
where is morgan??? i am sitting in her room and i can't find her scissors to open my birthday package and i'm fucking starving and i want to eat some dindin!

i go to warren wilson.
today was my first real day of work, and i was cleaning the windows of my office building. well, i was trying... it was going well until the end, when the glass cleaner froze on the glass before i could wipe it off. froze into ice!!! i gave up and went inside just before it started snowing again... after work, i walked to morgan's dorm to pick her up for dinner, and there were geese flying above me honking and the snow fluttering into my coat, and the sun setting behind the mountains and everything all orangey and light and perfect. and then dinner at cowpie was lentil soup, falafel, couscous, baba ghannouj, and homemade pita bread.
now i am reading "hard times" by chickens (c. dickens). i stayed up past my bedtime reading it last night because i am DORKASAURUS and also because i have 100 pages due tomorrow.
good night.

anger makes me a modern girl

i just went to the OR for lunch and got kicked out for being barefoot. "health hazard" my ass! it's more likely that i would get gangrene from their floor than that i would give them herpes or something..... well maybe that's what they meant.
either way, i'm annoyed. but i made py buy my food. hahaaa!
last night at 4am i was sinking fast... just a veritable puddle of tears. and i was writing in this little notebook that i'm supposed to have filled up by 3:30 for class today, and i just said to myself, you know what? fuck this. no more crying about this shit. and i stopped! it was kind of amazing. so i went to bed angry and enlightened instead of sad and weepy. good news, maybe.
i might post some of my little thoughts from that notebook. it's debatable.
is anyone reading this?
i've gotta go finish reading "death of a salesman." wish me luck on the quiz!

everything that's breathing is also busying dying

so i was intending to post once i had some pictures and/or video to include with the text.... but yeah, it's not happening and you'll just have to wait.
what can i say? school's been back in session for a few weeks now... it's actually going okay. this is largely due to the fact that i changed my major back to english lit on the second day of classes. ha! take that, science, i could not stomach thee. my schedule looks like this:
MWF 10:30-11:20 Honors Biblical Literature
MWF 11:30-12:20 Modern Short Fiction
MWF 1:30-??? working at the library
W 8:30-10:10am Video Writing and Directing
TR 2-3:15 World Theatre II
TR 3:30-4:45 Intro to Creative Writing
and i generally work on tuesday and thursday morning as well. i got a raise! $7/hr baybee oh yeahhhhh. freaking rolling in it!!
and where does the money go, you ask?
well, this past week most of it went to drugs. i have been sick with bronchitis and it is awful. rite aid has my paycheck. other than that.. we buy a few groceries (the ones we don't glean in other ways), some toilet paper, and a good bit of beer. at least two people are drunk in the house every day. are we wasting away? perhaps. are we loving it? sometimes. are we considering another path? not really. so far everything is going as well as it could, i suppose.
realize i say this about a home that is haunted, filled with drama, and loaded with tension i could eat with a whole loaf of bread. it is ridiculous. on saturday, py confronted mal in the only way he knows how:
"so when are you moving out?"
yikes. he doesnt know her like the rest of us... yes, she has made a lot of promises she hasnt kept. she says this time is different. and yes, she's said that a thousand times before. but now she's got AA meetings every night and drug testing once a week starting in october. i just hate that we didnt have a real house meeting, and come to a decision TOGETHER rather than just sort of poking around and being rude and giving the poor girl a week to move out.... but the drugs, the monetary choices, the disappearances of stuff within our own home.. these things never stopped, even when we saw her improving. so i dont know, this is what it's come to. i can't say i'm thrilled but honestly i dont know what to say at all.
i dont even want to get into the sex drama. all i can say is that it's no fun to be sitting there bored when you are pretty positive that whoever is having sex in the room next door. especially when you have been looking forward to seeing this person for months and then they just come over to fuck your roommate, apparently. am i wrong here, or does that suck a little? either way, i recognize that this is my jealous, possessive side coming out... and oh, how it comes out. it chooses the worst ways, at the worst times, sneaking up on me when i'm drunk and too angry to put my courtesy filter on. well, fucking woops. i dont regret a whole lot of things.... i guess it sort of sucks that i stood in the middle hall room in the middle of our house and yelled about how i hate plastic, jesus, electricity, the whole modern world, the whole house and everyone in it. but i was depressed and it was all true. what can i say? it's weird to apologize for things that are still true, even if the timing and the delivery were inappropriate. not that i REALLY hate everyone in the whole house... although i definitely felt like it at the time. and that was what was important. i dont like containing anger. but like i said, i dont want to get into the rest of the house drama. there's so much and it probably shouldnt all go on the internet anyway. i'll try to keep you vaguely updated anyhow....
so leroy is taking mallory's room. he and his boondock will be staying with us until at least january, which will be fun because maybe everyone will stop accusing ME of being the craziest person in the house, and also just because i love leroy. i am looking forward to lots of free meals, free drinks, and goofy adventurings. however, leaving with mallory are her weezy dog and lucie cat and the rest of the female energy of the house. i will be a lone she-wolf. loucifur will luckily provide me with some fellow cat spirits, but even then, he's a little bastard. as was determined the other day... if lou were 6 feet tall, he would rule the whole freaking world. maybe i'm wrong but i dont think i could say that about most cats. perhaps because lou would be a tyrant and a master of surprise attacks from overhead. the point is: i'm thinking again about getting a kitten. i know i know i can't help it. but is it a good idea? i can't tell. i want a lady kitty friend, at any rate. and i haven't found any elsewhere yet.
however, i have made a few new friends so far this year. wonders! new friends make me happier than almost anything. i dont want to speak too soon so i'll give some better details later.
today has been rainy. i left home right after brandon got back from BR, a city i have been trying to avoid at all possible costs (but i end up going for the good shows). drove to school as i've been doing.. it's sort of nice although i end up bumping a lot of parked cars. shhhh! py constantly teases me about my driving skills, which i suppose are somewhat stuck in the mud, rather than improving... but speaking of BR, i drove from there to NOLA for the first time last weekend! and i didnt fuck up at all (although py would tell you differently, dont listen to him because he was wasted and doesnt remember anything) and we made it down in one safe piece. i was a kickass designated driver for my little drunken men.
point: it's not raining anymore. i was slightly late for bible class, despite my timely driving. i always goof around in the bathroom and forget that class is starting. woops! i thought i was going to really hate that class, but it's turned out to be freaking awesome. my professor basically tells us that everything we learned in sunday school is a load of bull and we talk about the real origins and meanings of old testament stories. he's hilarious and i especially love it when he talks about how stupid fundamentalists are. it is awesome. then i went to modern short fiction where i get to sit next to my friend david who makes me giggle all day. today we were discussing colette's "gigi" and about the sexuality of foods like asparagus and lobster. it was pointless but i took more notes in class today than i have all semester. usually i just write "FREUD" because that is all that our teacher talks about and it sucks so usually i read or write something else. being in a writing class has been really fun, just to get into the habit of writing again. plus my professor is awesome. so yeah, basically i've got a good bunch of classes this semester... i might go so far as to say this has been the best semester i've had yet! but perhaps i shouldn't speak so soon... midterms are coming up, after all. yipe.
but i don't care because i'm going to memphis this weekend!! look out, i'm coming home and i'm bringing my nutty friends with me! we are coming up on friday to see Mr. Airplane Man at gonerfest and i'm so freaking excited. we have seen a lot of great shows recently, it has been really awesome. last weekend we saw Witch Hunt at a house show in BR. brandon got their record, and i got a patch and a book about new orleans. even though i damaged my right ankle somewhat early in the evening, i still managed to dance on one foot and have a kickass time. and that ankle is all better now, although apparently this weekend i destroyed my left big toe and surrounding area.... doing god knows what. i just woke up with it all mangled. i'm hoping that it will just figure itself out and heal somewhat like the rest of my feet wounds always do. i have been realizing how freaking weird my feet look because of all the times i've fucked them up and just sort of let them figure out how to let me walk on them again. oh well.
i keep getting off track. the real point to all this is that py and i have been volunteering for the past couple weekends at the green project, where they've started doing a matinee show every saturday. this past weekend, we cooked the 'free vegan food' which they advertise for every show, and we got lots of compliments. py's soupy shitasaurus was a smashing success, of course. that stuff is delicious! vegan slop is really growing on me. mmmmmmm... py got free goodies from the band because his food was so good! lucky bastard. we danced our asses off and had a great time, despite the lackluster crowd.... hilary, py, and i made up for it with our energy and enthusiasm. the bands were all amazing! i havent been to such an all around good show in a really long time. first, an acoustic band called the Let Down played while we sat at their feet. the two ladies had beautiful voices and played guitar, although one also sometimes played a musical saw. a boy with funny hair also played guitar. their songs were about being alcoholic and in love and they were wonderful. then, Fake Problems went on a few minutes later. leroy and i had just finished pre-gaming outside and as we were walking in during the second song, i said to him "i hope EVERYBODY's DANCING!" and of course no one was. so py and i took that shit up a notch. or four. they sang country folk punk rock songs about capitalism. it was also awesome, and they gave py a free 7inch. then Parsley Flakes played. they wore silly clothes and sang songs about "zapatistas and white people," among other things. we danced like fools! then their amp started smoking 2 songs before the end of the set. it was intense.. but also hilarious and ridiculous. it was an amazing show and an amazing weekend... except for all the drama, of course, but i suppose that sometimes it can't be helped, and so it must be ignored. i'm getting better at this.
i forget if there were other things i meant to say, but if there were, i should save them for another day. this has gotten rather long, and i congratulate you if you made it this far. perhaps i will see you again soon.

updates

--i got my motherfucking driver license two weeks ago.
--i am single for the first time since 2004. so far, i feel surprisingly good.
--on thursday, i am moving into my first apartment, on jackson avenue in new orleans. i will be living with brandon, mallory, and py. (obviously, this is an arrangement of lunacy.... i suppose it's a long story, not meant for tonight.)
--i am a liar, a coward, and a thief. and many other things.
--i need more confidence.
--i start school in slightly less than a week and i'm scared as hell.
--as excited as i am about living in new orleans, i'm sort of terrified to go back. the place is a black hole.
--i work minimum wage. however, my parents still pay for stuff like school, insurance, etc. they are awesome.
--i have not paid for a haircut since december 2005, and it is amazing. some weeks i feel like getting it cut every day, and i talk somebody into doing it! the stuff's also sort of run together with three or four different colors, i'd say.
--i love cats and cat folk... but i'm pretty friendly to dogs as well.
--in general, i hate most and love few. wow, though, those ones are so great. it is astounding.
-katherine and i have spent the summer working on a film, which is finally coming into true fruition. so many amazing people have donated their time and talents, we are so lucky to know them all.
--trying to be two places at once is impossible, but missing one causes so much strife and disrupts all the balance. does this make any sense? katherine gets it.
--i want to make music in a shanty chant.
--tomorrow i have an appointment with a man who is going to up the dosage of my antidepressants. how strange to ask for something that i don't even want.
--"happiness is the most insidious prison of all." i think i believe that statement. (a quote from v for vendetta)
--cancer is terrifying. sickness is everywhere.
--death still seems like the best option most times.
--blogging is extremely hard these days. sometimes i start posts and never finish them... but i feel like communicating with the vast expanses. despite all the past run-ins i've had with its hidden dangers.... even the most recent one. but! i feel like dealing big right now. take it!
--this is the beginning of a new time.

listening to: garbage - wicked ways

look up: a clear blue sky

so last week i missed a bunch of class because i was angry at the world. on saturday i actually got really sick with a bad cold or the flu or some other terrible thing and it's not getting any better. i've been freaking out at the amount of work i have to do and i really can't miss more class... i barely slept last night and eventually crawled out of bed at 8am. i emailed my history teacher and told her how terrible i feel and that if i take the mid-term today, i will surely fail. but still, i was pretty sure that i would have to go anyway. just now, feeling doomed, i got this email:
" Stay in bed.
Get in touch with me when you are feeling better."

hoorah hoorah! now i just have to write a paper and maybe drag myself in to work (i am so poor) and the day will be done.


what a life what a life i live. it's getting pretty old. i'm so sick of school. and sick. and miserable. arghhhh. wish me your best.

hmm

i just switched over to the new version of blogger. because blogger wouldn't let me login if i didn't do it... it seems pretty cool so far. the only reason i hadn't done it yet was because it switches over not only my account, but my team blogs as well, so i had to remove myself from the art party blog to do this... and now i can't get back on. really sucks. this is life, i guess. everything continues to suck and nothing works the way it should.
so yeah, i'm not too happy about the general state of things right now. every night i go to bed hoping that i won't wake up, and by the time i wake up, i've forgotten that and just do the whole deal all over again. it's really lame. i kind of hate that hope always comes back. it would be easier if it just went away and stayed there.
i am at work. there's not much work to be done here in the library right now... i have lots of things i should be doing for school, but none of my important reading is with me. i should probably go, either way.
it's weird to be blogging. maybe i'll keep it up a little.

Political Compass assignment

I think I can safely say that I know myself.  I know about my beliefs and opinions, so I thought the Political Compass exercise would be unsurprising, although I was still interested to take the test and see the results.  It’s interesting to be forced to take a stand on an issue, since “no opinion” or “not sure” is not an option; there is no safety net in between “agree” and “disagree.”  Certain questions held me for much longer than others as I struggled to define in one bubble answer how I feel about some rather complex subjects.  For example, should pornography, depicting consenting adults, be legal for the adult population?  While I truly despise pornography, its cheapening of sex, and its enforcement of stereotypes, I still think it should be legal.  Why?  The sex industry is an industry just the same, with workers and clients, a supply and demand.  And who knows, perhaps someone will make a brilliant porn film soon enough. In fact, I’m counting on it.

So, I came to the end of the survey, mostly feeling that my answers were accurate, and was quite surprised to see myself placed where I was on the graph. Nearly falling off! I had guessed that I’d be in this quadrant, but not so far toward the left and certainly not so close to the libertarian/anarchism line at the bottom of the graph.  Looking back over my printed survey answers, I wondered if perhaps I ended up at coordinates (-8.5, -7.64) because I had used the “strongly” agrees and disagrees so many times.  I filled out the survey again, without using any of the adjective answers, and I moved a little farther right and just above the middle between the libertarian and social medians.  Perhaps this was a more fitting place for my small red circle of ideologies.  However, while I was taking the survey a second time, the whole time I was thinking, “But I strongly disagree, really!”  I’m glad to be reminded how passionately I feel about many of these issues, although before now I’ve never really thought that strong feelings equaled the degree to which someone is liberal or conservative.

This survey was particularly interesting because although it is a questionnaire to help visualize a person’s political beliefs, it also asks about the survey-taker’s opinion on astrology, luck, and the justification of abstract art.  One proposition states “The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” which is not an overtly political statement and does not concern any one issue, but at the same time, it says a lot about the way a person thinks, which in turn influences his or her politõical ideologies. While certainly not a perfect survey, the Political Compass was still a good sampling of important issues and beliefs to help determine the political whereabouts of a person.

I got my Republican, Bush-voting boyfriend to take this test and he turned out to be in the left economically as well as liberal socially, which was probably more of a surprise for him than it was for me.  He wasn’t quite sure that this is where he really fits, but he said, “I guess if you have strong opinions, you’ve gotta be something.”  I’m not really sure exactly what that something is, for him as well as myself.  I can see where the coordinates put me, but whether I can be defined as a Democrat or an Anarchist, I can’t say.  As convenient as labels can sometimes be, I plan to keep trying life without such a specific one for now.  I want to know myself even better and try to always act in accordance with my beliefs.