last night all night

ahere i go sneaking again
in my own home!
starting to feel okay again
now that i have a purpose with a pen
not a pen but fingers and keys
never learning aim to plesae
stomach sick stomach sore
boring boring boring bore

the point is. the point. the point is.
i have a fucking problem with codepenancy.
it's true and it's sick and i fucking hate putting tihs on you. i feel disgusting. i feel like trash. i don't kow how to get rid of it. i don't kow any way back.
i can't be good enough for you.
the last few days - since you dyed your hair - you've been so happy. so much yourself. so alive. lifght. i can feel myself draining you. i can feel how needy i am. how i've been draining you all along. how now that you have filled your cup, i am just sucking at it, leeching away. i am the toxic one. i am the crazymaker. i am everything i didn't want to be for you. for anyone. i am fucking up over and over and over i have no idea what to do. i say "i need to get back in therapy" i've been sayign it for months. but what the fuck do i tink that's going to do
?! it won't fix me. i won't be better for a long time. everything is wrong. i am way past broken.
there's teh light flicker of a tv on in somene's bedroom window, second floor. there's a light flicker as the bugsppass over the lamp post lantern light. the soft shiver of the white crepe myrstle????
i have been forcing you to worry about me. giving me your energy.
okay i guess not forcing but ..... i fel manipulative. i feel like a wretch. i do not feel like a beauty maker. i do not feel like a lover. it's me, i am the toxic one. i am the one who hurt me. it's me, i am the cycle.
why do non-tobacco cigarettes always hurt more? why does it seem like they burn the tongue annd throat instantly, and almost anything is smoking one too fast? is the power of nicotine just to make you not feel those things from teh cigarette? is that all teh drug does? the magic of fire you can't feel. is that why we love the spell?
mayhbe there's a thought there but it's half baked. half cooked. pathetic. like all my other thoughts. wasted. useless. goner. overdone. halfdone. undone. never nothing. none. shut the fuck up and go home. a meager image, a stale old bone.
what the fuck even now you are trying to rhyme. why? why? why? justkeep fucking trying you piss of shit. what the fuck do you think is gonna happen. something ? no. NO. you will always do this, nothing but this, nothing but piss. just drivel dripping down your fingers. just empty weary letters wither. disgust. disgust. distrust. no. no. no. no. there will never not be nothing. there will never not be garbage. there will always be you, sucuk in this body in this mind in this hell of repetition and forever gross forever ghsot. new? something ebtter? something different


i guess i messed up in the dark. what teh fuck else is new. nothing.
forever forever forever just tihs. forever my whole deal taking a piss.
why did i think i could have your kiss
why did d i think it would be different than this.

why did i think i could be better
why did i think we could better.
why didn't i know this is always the way it's goin to be no matter what and forever.
stare at the leaves and see teh summer
something is coming and something's a goner.
nothign sallow wilting longer.
help help help help help
my rhyming father's daughter
my crying mother's daughter

do i actually feel high from this fucking cbd shit
wahat is the damn deal
i smoked one of these hemp-ettes
and now i feel a i've drifted
what and were does my mind go
is it because i've told it so
did i malet teh tether long
did i wish i'm made of song
yes forever yes forever yes
my voice has flown out of my chest
i wish it would i wish it could
but nothing better beter best
nothing beterer nothing yet.
my voice is stuck in tiny humns. my voice melodies writ on rum. my voice the pieces silent sung. my voice a kite that's too far flung.
slipping away sickly slidde slipping slide away
healing nothing healing fine
burping along to ninety nine ninety nine
whipser
nienty nine
hehere
hear
here my heart is beating fine
why can you see only rhyme
when will i better will i different
never, honey, lay down in it
do i even care what i write?
dthere's nothing here to hate or like
whydo i think smoeking this is a good idea
who saidanything about good ideas
NONE nothing NONE nothing NONE
why do i think i'm worth a some

pillow fader pillow farther
little later little longer
but just good get gone now you
but a sling sucks to your shoe
nine and nine is mine and crew
slick pea sweet knee not this goo
why do i why do i why do i do
where do i go if not with you
just chug this beer and let's be done.
why is ihs my only rhyming SCHUME. SCUM.
i'm sick of this i'm sick of it i'm sick of this i'm sick of it. type type type. why why why. bleed it out until you dry. OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP WHY IS TIHS MY ONLY RHYME. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

if i felt kablooed after that first smoke, look how i'm gonna feel now. am i gonna be enough for just one beer? what am i gonna need? how do i fuel this fire? how do i stay so dire?
i womdner why i'm herein this rhyme. i wonder what happens, every time. how di get here. why do i tryl.
STOP. okaoiwh
oh my god. help.
really i'm stuck relaly sreally relaly.
what does that?!?!?! is it booze? night? ocd brains? the rhyme the RHYME it won't let me stop. i'm trying hard to stop the clock. OH MY GOD am i though?
?
okay
is it just that i'm actually relaly distressed about something and i don't know how to write it real. is it that i still can't express how i feel.
HELP.
i think actually yeah. it's just a bgi distraction. the way that lplaying a game on my phone would be. or scrolling or something. it's teh instant grafication.
i haear a crackle in the yard nearby. will i spy a new fried or will they wander by?
a leaf and cracke. a rustle sigh.
how much moves your body in the window?
how much meter memory do most carry?
why does that even pretend to matter. stupid.
why can't i shake these stupid sentence structures.
i just want to go somewhere new but i' stuck i n sthese fuckign rhymes. i'm so mad. i'm having to fight.
aoeg
maybe that's not what i get from teh night.
maybe this is just my plight.
OR
GODDAMIT
MAYBE TIHS IS the distraction the ultimate distraction from myslef. talk about compartmnetalizing goddamn. talk about adhd. talk about gone forever away and a day. talk about no.
talk about you were just having this important realization when you went into crazy rhyme dumbass land.
you are a drain on your partner. you are stifling their energy. you love each other. you are full of love for each other you. but you are demanding too much energy. too much time. you are being codpenedent as fuck. you need to learn new pattern.s you need to unlearn tehse old patterns. can you do it while you're in a relationship??? (can you do it when you're NOT in a relationsip?)

i just got stuck in spell check for 300 years. thatnks keyculator. i mean i do appreciate that you have the capapbitly. you're a good guy. you know that? a real good guy. glad we came out tonight. good going, us.
DID I NEED TIHS? can i continue to pretend that i need this? how much more do i need? how much do i need now? how much am i gonna dneed again? why does booze work like this? WHY DOES ANYTHING WORK LIKE THIS. i get real good then real grumpy when i dont drink. just like i get real happy then rela sad when i go off antidperessants. except booze is a depressant. so shouldnt i just stay happy. what. i want more. i'm grumpy that jerel drank my second to last yueng ling. i get grumpy when they drink my booze, even though sometimes they buy it for me. i never drink theirs. (but i rarely buy theirs. except i buy it when we're out of the house. and i buy other stuff. but they buy stuff. why am i worried about his this is so stupid. )
i just want one more. but there isn't one more.
r

remembering body, remembering music. dance. what a thing. what a feeling. how much i imagine and make into small moves. is tihs the big thing???? maybe the moving body can create music and words and pictures together - maybe better than movies. what about it. you never liked light. go to the stage.
but gotta say tonight's meeting felt pretty okay. despite all this sadness despite all the mess business i want to make myself be, tonight's meeting was. well. now that i'm looking back-- good. i really appreciate the group that was in the room - kind of a bwierd bunch together. i love that. i LIVE for that. basically gender segrated, as almost always. oh well. the circle round starting from the southeast corner, coming counter-clockwise - ben siler, brett, me, jerelle, sarah r----, elizabeth, court. a lot of people who don't know each other that well. this is what i wanted. this is what i always want. i want to see these people become in rooms together, become twosomes and threesomes and genius poly configurations that make the thing happen. i want to see it all happen. that's always been my job. let it be my job. let me not be anxious and let me revel in my job. let me just bring them to the ground and let them build the mountain. HA what a fucking egotist. what a piece of scum. what a nightmare to work with. what a selfish bitch. what a hohohohohohoag. hoagie.
i'm having another one of these weird green fake cigarettes. the one with stars in their green butts. i dont even.
i didn't even buy my plane ticket tonight.
i didn't apologize to the people i should.
i didn't say thank you.
i didn't make plans.
this stuff i'm smoking it again teh green one. it's stronger than iwould think it is. that is to say, YET AGAIN, that cbd does stuff to me that i don't expect. i think - it's not weed, it won't get me. but it do. my head feels foggy and my ovaries feel tight. wind whistles through the spiny trees and flies friends to the night. the pollen falls around my feet, in my hair it lights. without their pollen we haven't got left anything too nice.
haha it's good to write bad rhymes. but yeah. done with that. FOR NOW.
wouldn't it be better to dance tho.
wouldn't it always be better
i've been doing yoga for a few days HAHA look at me pretending like i'm doigng stuff or making habits with this stupid few days bullshit.
suddenly (ha really?) feeling suicidal. what did i do this time. what would i ever do different. haaaaaaa what a nightmare. what aa joke. never will i ever
i expected this lil weed seed baby smokey treat to be the calm kind, what i get from my own herbal rollies, or at least the fearsome fire of a tobacco style smoke. instead i get the woosh brain smooth smallness that i associate with my weed panic - is it just my association doing this? or am i allergic to the wrong part of the drug? everyone else says this stuff doesn' fuck with their heads. okay okay.
WELL
i wasn't supposed to write about htat
i'm saying
i am gonna buy that plane ticket tomorrow.
i'm gonna talk to donna.
it will be okay somehow. for now.
ha.

even my cat is judging me!!!