Monday, April 01, 2019

keyculator affirmation defense

4/1/19 - fool's day.
my good mood swift swung sour. what did go wrong? working through the artist's way, i am supposed to write out an affirmation about how i am a real and good artist, and then write out all the negative feedback that my subconscious brain sends back to me. this is at once easy and hard. as i get going, i think of more and more awful things i tell myself, i fill a page. it's really putting me into a bad mad sad mood to be tellign myself these things right now-- they really do work!! and now the book wants me to flip each of these bad "blurts" into positive affirmations that i am from now on supposed to say to myself every morning. ugh. this afternoon i cried aka my throat closed up every time i tried to read through the affirmations she has just in the book - i deserve a rich and fulling creative life - etc. wuff. who says?? so yeah this is even harder. i'm stalling when court comes in, i'm trying to explain how i can't just write the 100% opposite of the bad self-talk and she says why not? and why not try it? and i'm saying because i don't want to and because i don't care about that stuff and it does't mean anything to me. but i'm getting defensive and she's like maybe this is why you need to do it, and it's just making me more irritated.
(as i'm writing this, it's making me feel like there is something here related to my general dislike of white woo women and their homogenous ideas. what if everyone really did walk around saying "i belong here" and "i am perfect as i am" and bullshit like that? what if we were all that entitled? what if everyone thought/felt the same things?)
((is this a real fear? am i just being defensive? am i actually wrong? does everyone belong here?))
so i'm using these examples with court - the first one is all the way made up but it does sound like what i would do. if my negative belief is "i'm ugly" i don't want to say "i'm beautiful." instead i would say "i'm bringing ugly back!" to me, this is powerful and real and motivating. why? because i don't care about beautiful. ugly is awesome. i have written a lot about that already, how i want to "reinvent what ugly does." but this example doesn't work for court.i try again, with a real one from the loony bin when that asshole gave us CBT worksheets.
"i don't belong here and there's no place for me in this world" becomes "CARVE IT OUT!" again, this is empowering to me! motivating! YES i have a goal and something to do! a VISION! (i need to have a vision to have a reason to live. that's quite motivating in the loony bin.)
she says "why don't you just say 'i belong in this world' because you're a human and you do belong here?" and this makes my skin crawl. but, being me, my hackles are raising up and my eyes are dancing and my thoughts get fuzzy and i say-- who knows what i said?! i'm in serious defensive mode here. i am physically feeling it. it happened so quickly. now that i'm writing this all out, it feels like it makes sense and i can logically answer what i couldn't say to court 20 minutes ago -- i DON'T think humans automatically belong here, or that all of us do, or something.
oh yeah, i said something to her about, to say "i belong here" would be like saying "the world is fine and i'm fine in it" and she says no it's not the same. and i say actually the world is garbage and it feels bad to say it's fine. and she says the world is not garbage. and i say okay well the world isn't inherently garbage but we sure have fucked it up.
i don't know. maybe we have teh same ideas but different ways of expressing tehm.
or maybe what i was saying didn't make sense at the time because i'm not good at talking, but it makes sense now and there's nothing wrong with my take on this affirmation exercise. (i do feel a lot more calm now.)
OR maybe at heart, i'm just a pissy middle schooler reading adbusters and bitching about the system. a debbie downer. nothing is ever gonna be good enough for me. my ideas are not fully formed, my perspective is miopic and closed. (is this true? i think that's how people see me but it's not how i see myself. because i do see beauty. just right now, i look up at my wall - the true cost of coal poster from the beehive collective - and i know that i am right - or right with myself, that is. right to see the world as sick. right to be dissatisfied. to feel like positivity can be poison. but also i know there's magic and renewal, despite how broken our culture is. to me, the poster is screaming "CARVE IT OUT!" just like i want to. visions of a new world. i don't want to say "i belong here" when "here" isn't home. i don't want to let go of my visions. i imagine myself saying "i belong here" and "i deserve to be here" and i feel my Self fading as my future visions die. i can't imagine holding both. how could i say that and hold the gate?)))) where were we with these parentheses.
the other part of it, i am now realizing, also has to do with my "weird" thinking about humans and bodies and death. i've already lost a way to say it that makes sense. but it's related to ghost life.... "i" is moving. "i" has died a hundred times. we can say that, we've seen it. "i" belong "here" is......?
i don't kow where that was going. maybe it'll come back.
anyway before all this. this is what always happens. it takes longer to recount the event than it took to happen. why do i bother? (i used to love this so much, when i blogged. it was so important to me to catalog. is it meaningful in some way? or useful? i can't imagine. maybe one day it will come in handy for something.)
so court and i had this conversation. i got real worked up real fast. defensive - not mean - but "intense" morgan would say. my thinking is unbending. these feelings are big for me. and then court left awkwardly and i'm just falling falling into my grouchiness and disappointment. i feel like SHIT partially from writing all these awful "blurts" that feel really really real in my body as i write them. and then feeling as if i have to defend that i'm doing the affirmations exercise THE WAY I WANT TO DO IT rather than the way someone else wants me to. (it doesn't even say in the book that they should be the exact opposite of the blurts! i feel like court was putting that idea on it and i didn't like how that felt.) geez it feels so much more clear now that it's written. i guess this is why i do this.
so yeah. that all happened. i was defensive for reasons taht make a lot of sense. things escalated quickly because i was in a vulnerable state. and i felt like shit. i didn't know what to do. i asked the tarot, am i being a big dumb baby about this?
(Was court right that i was being stagnant and unbending in my thinking? was she right to judge me for hating positivity? am i actually blocked in this way? is there something wrong with not feeling comfortable saying affirmations like "i belong here" and "i am clever" and "i have original ideas" etc??)
AM I JUST BEING A BIG DUMB BABY?
(shuffling, the deck cuts itself in half, with three a group of three cards turning away and out to me - i only see first one on top but the whole group is talking. and opposite, the bottom card on the top half of the cut deck, the ace of cups reversed. court just got this card as well. DUMPING out. letting go of emotion and energy. goodbye.)
7 of pentacles
daughter of cups
the magician

7 of pentacles is a very neutral card, only black ink and no living figures. just lines, seeming to go on forever. the pentacles connect the lines where they meet in right angles, in a diagonal across the card. this card is about work, its unending nature, but having teh ability to step back and see the big picture. look how far you've come. it keeps going but you're doing it.
maybe a neutral reflection on what has happened. looking at yourself honestly. that's more important than judging yourself as a baby or not. are we making progress? can we still see ourselves? (wondering when i started referring to myself in plural all the time when i'm writing. it makes so much sense always, especially writing because it feels like channeling - or bringing together parts of myself that are disparate.) (that's teh other weird part of "i" statements - how can i act like i am one thing? maybe i can't say "i am beautiful" because part of me never will be and never wants to be. maybe part of me never wants to belong. does that mean i am broken? sick? do you know how it feels to be sick so long? how you spit on my progress with your pressing?)
7 of pentacles is netural reflection. looking back in order to look ahead.
page of cups is a favorite card - truthfully, i love all the pages, but of course i have a soft spot for this swan, and her rainbow shadow water. yes her SHADOW self is rainbow and she's delighted in exploring it. the simplicity of inspiration. the simplicity, honesty, of real raw emotions. first thoughts, first feelings. the wonder of the world. the rawness.
(this is something i don't want to lose. again this gets me thinking about the homogenous Woo cloud. or any sort of homogeounous culture stuff. and yeah i don't want to "belong" if it means i've gotta twist my ideas to your standards. no thank you.)
THE MAGICIAN. my power card. my dream archetype. this one is especially important to see. hi hello you can be in your body and in your power and access the infinite universe and also be fucking strong and staunchly independent and grounded in your worldview. or - willing and open to change, looking for action and new ideas - but there are some concepts you have to stand on that are not going to change or go away and that is how you know you're still standing in the world as your "self" - everyone deserves love. everyone deserves justice. binaries are boring. etc. whatever. i don't have all that fully articulated now. or probably ever. but the point is that this card always makes me feel powerful, or like an imagined powerful version of myself (especially in this deck, as the jaguar, with the red/orange/yellow streaks from a black sun.) it makes me feel - i have a grasp on what is important. i have glimpsed magic. i might be able to access it if i worked on my balance and learned how to weild the tools. (the tool of MY BODY and the tools of creation/creativity. tools of conduction. tools to become a conduit. LOVE AND MAGIC. CLOWN. AHHHHH!!! okay.) experiencing the power of life by letting go of ego. the beginning of action, of new projects. the ability to harness energy and create magic. a connection to the unknown. in a way, a gate keeper. or yeah, a conduit. okay i'm just repeating myself now. i love this card.

to recap: i was working on the artist's way exercises, then i had that conversation with court. the combination made me very defensive and irritated. i asked the tarot if i was being a sad grumpy baby. i wasn't really sure what the answer was until i started writing. i have written a lot. i have written more than i intended, as per usual. i have written and that's all i want. this book/program is supposed to help me get creatively unblocked, get in touch with my Self, and get to fucking work. perhaps this isn't the intended effect, but i think it's working. this doesn't mean i get to stop, of course. i never actually wrote my new affirmations. wait nevermind i wrote a couple. doing the best i could -
-i am deserving.
-i have interesting ideas and my perspectives are worth sharing.
-i am recovering and discovering myself, taking care of myself, and becoming friends with myself
-i am just as cool as i want to be

but it's not done of course. it's never done. i have to write something i can actually believe in. it's all about the power of words, of course. then i have to say it to myself, again and again, day after day, until it becomes true. ish. even though i'm never going to say (or want to say) an affirmation like "i'm smart" or "i'm beautiful," i don't want to keep carrying these negative beliefs and this awful self-talk. i can replace those with something real. it will be okay. i am exhausted now. less grumpy but more overwhelmed. i'm done for the night. i just want to veg out now.



you should write a sonnet

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