i've been to three weddings
i think.
i was a bride's maid at age 6.
the flower girls tipped their baskets over
at the end of the long
l    o    n    g
long walk down the aisle in
my grandmother's backyard.
the pictures show all of us
laughing with the wind
kicking up our dresses.
all i remember
about my second wedding is long
l    o    n    g
long talk and i looked down
when he was allowed to kiss her.
my co-, ex- bride's maid gets
too much chicken.
my grandmother sends her back to
the buffet table
to put it all back.
maybe it was my co-, ex- bride's
maid's second wedding too.
maybe she felt too much like a convict
released from jail or
maybe it felt like
her last meal
before we grew up
and were pushed from the foreground.
my third wedding years later
(so many years for me
but i can hold them in my hands)
it has been such a long
l    o    n    g
long time and i dont know what i want
or what to wear
i wish for
my grandmother's itch persistence
she would have made me match
made me fit
but instead i go feeling like myself
--comfortable--
it is a wrong choice.
i am out of place and
i don't know anyone and
now that i am listening to the ceremony,
i don't agree.
i feel too wrong to sit at the tables
during the reception.
i am too naked to drink a glass of punch
or to eat all the chicken.
theif ex-convict sits in chair against wall
--uncomfortable--
wrong.
pushed to the background
by time
and me.
when i was the one carrying the flowers,
i had ideas.
ideals. dreams and plans and futures.
i would take another long walk in
an itchy dress
and make my grandmother proud.
some time in between the chicken
and the aisle
i would become clarissa and explain it all
i was guaranteed love and friends
with exactly right wacky clothes.
i think TV made it look too easy
i let everything go
and look at that
i ended up in the background
back here where there are
NO long walks
NO happy endings
NO fairytale kisses
some day my prince will come
so they say.
when he does i'll most likely push him out the window
it's not that i enjoy life more from inside the tower
against the wall
but i have got it down so well