"All right, people, let's go somewhere else." Ironic that he even calls us "people" because the way he says it, he obviously doesn't believe that his words are intended for actual "people." We are never "people." We don't ask so much. Every morning Coach Fucking Brooks wants us to "move along" speaking generically into the air and onto the heads a foot or so below his level. Hey Coach, what's wrong with us right here? Are we in somebody's way? Sure, we are standing by some lockers but we are ready and willing to scoot over if some kid needs his books. Where are we supposed to go? Is there a designated spot in this huge school that we don't know about where we're allowed to see our friends before homeroom? Shouldn't it be okay to just be us for a few minutes before we slide back into the daily grind, just to have this one moment? Each of us could walk to our various homerooms in thirty seconds or less. We've been to our lockers. We've got no particular place to be. So Coach Brooks, where the fuck are we SUPPOSED to be? I don't want to be listening to the gory little details of my locker partner's Floridian spring break and I know she won't ask me about mine once she is fucking done, two minutes before the bell rings. Hey I can't see my friends after school. They're busy at Bridge Builders and Mock Trial and Model UN meetings. Plus, we were working so hard on AP applications a week ago, and with all these projects and essays on the weekends... No, these are "people" who don't have time for me outside school. But remember, this is White Station! We are too busy with Extra-Curricular Activities and racking up the Service Hours to have friends! Much less, TALK to them! Heaven forbid, what if we actually got to SEE them sometimes? Oh no, what if we fell that far off our Spartanian horses? What if that happened? We wouldn't get into the right colleges, and we would lead terrible, poor lives! Lives of LOVE, not MONEY!! Because "people" are money, school is money, SUCCESS is money! And didn't you know? Success is power. Success is me in a suit. Success is my husband coming home from a hard day at the office to his loving wife and kids, and a great from-scratch Southern meal. I will be successful!! Fuck yr Princeton! Give me community!!! But look at these "people," they are beautiful individuals. We are writers and artists and we're going to make movies together. We're going to get married and move to California. FUCK YOU, COACH! YOU CAN'T COME!

on St. Patrick's Day
my homeroom teacher says that
the rule about getting pinched
if you're not wearing green
only applies if you're Irish
so he's circling the room
interrogating us
with evil fingers waiting
then he's at my desk and
i won't look up until he's in my face
i'm the only person who got asked two questions
i wonder why that is
Are you Irish?
No.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
hey what could i say otherwise?
"no i'm very not okay.
i'm definitely awful"
in front of unforgiving eyes
i'm supposed to reveal
how alone i feel
my terrible weekend
pain because i am unloved
mentally abused
unwanted
no friends
no love
i am supposed to tell that to
the bald man in the pale green shirt?
i don't think so.
but i lied anyway
Yeah, I am Irish.
No, I am more than okay.

i am wearing your jacket
because it smells like you
so i can close my eyes
and pretend that it's you making me warm
and not this piece of cloth
that you left lying in my room
hey you left a piece of you over here
hey you left pieces in my head too
hey you are everywhere
filling me up
and i like you like that
whenever i move
you're drifting through the room
i want your hands in my hair in your lap in the park
i want always to see you when i open my eyes
i want grin-filled mornings in mid-afternoon
i want waiting for you to wake on our cloud
i want studying your elbow and your twitching toes
i want you to be there soft
like your jacket
but even more soothing and
able to return my hugs
no flimsy cotton could
beat your comfort form
the zipper here could
never giggle back with me
i'm burying my face in your scent
wishing you were here
your angel wings cover us on our cloud
your angel skin covers me in their place
warm angel, your shoulder blades are wings
beating within you
beating your heart
i could hear them when i lay there
with my ear against your chest
my own breath fluttering weakly alongside
catch myself in solace
finding us in gold
glistening star-girl suspended in night sky
come down to me
wrap me up inside your arms
your feathers will stick after you let go

i'm so so sorry
did i really become what i hate?
i don't want that to be inevitable
i don't want to think that happens
i don't want the breakfast club
i'm sorry i didn't approach you
i'm sorry for not saying sorry
i was careless and
i acted out of self-entertainment
this is what i hated
when their basketballs hit me
and they were too interested in the game
to apologize
and on the bleachers no one was sitting next to me
to ask if i was okay
so i had no one to lie to
i'm so so sorry
for classing myself in their ranks
for being associated with them
if i sent you home unhappy
a terrible end to a terrible day
i reassured myself that
you were fine
you were standing with friends and comfort
and you weren't
quite
crying
and even if i didn't say it then
i was so so sorry
teach me not to be like them

drinking devil coffee
on an icy, silver star
shivering and burning
sitting on cold stone
scorching though i'm froze
a place where i don't have to feel
what's in me or what is real
i will believe you!
if you make me better
just buy me coffee
to keep me sane
pour it nicely over me
when i'm not thinking i am free
freezing slow perfectly
wish i was a filthy ice queen
don't you believe me?
well can't you fix this?
i'll make you hate me!
don't want to know it
don't care for love
can't stand no pain
must numb my heart
make my soul burn
i do it nicely

i am dumb
i can't remember how to look at you
i don't live up to what i am supposed to
i don't live up to you
so i made up my stubborn mind
got some congratulations
got some reprimands
and now i have rethought myself
yeah, i'm so sure
so sure and
feeling stupid for my decision
and the reasons i gave
how i thought in my head
it made sense at the time
but spoken and
i hate myself
yeah yeah yeah nothing unusal
nothing new get on with the show
well let me tell you
i am headed for the stars
aren't we all?
this is not my path
this is not my decision
this is the closet i've come to peer pressure
so i'm caving in
who says i don't want
to be my friends?

i'd forgotten how much that means to me. how it cheered up my whole day. movies.... a little silly but it's something for me to love, something that we all connect with, put our positive energy into. with camera in hand i don't have to go to college. i can live in memphis forever -- the next digital savvy generation. i will sleep on these couches. i will exist in this office. i will survive in this theatre. imagine me editting away in that exact chair. me borrowing their tripods. (no, i will be loaning MINE to fresh-faced kids with dreams and dreams and dreams like MINE.) me popping organic popcorn, living on jelly beans, putting money into this thing i believe in so entirely that i will give up some luxuries for my cause. who needs TV and commercial cinema when there are indepedent films to be had? to be created? i would give up some baths if i could take part in making something beautiful. i'm on the road, i've already given up a meal or two just to enjoy their company. so why am i even considering making next year hell? you actually want me to give up my time to things i don't care about, even if it means missing their tuesday night workshops again? it will make my life hell and i will have no room to be free.

in 3 years
3 months
and 3 days
the date will be 666
by then
where will i be?
i want to be living with her
in California
Anaheim, San Francisco, LA
perusing gender studies
attending photography
cinematography classes
the girls who were never good at anything
finally fly on waves of film
we will flash a new light on our lives
and capture beauty in tiny darkrooms
we will make the world through a lens make sense
we will be looking at a big sky through the camera's eye
me and you

mom sent me off
to buy chilli ingredients.
neither of us was wearing shoes.
too cold for her outside,
but not for me?
i trek through the snow alone
leaving angry footprints
in my neighbors' perfect yards.
it takes me a couple minutes
to find the right beans.
and i never do find a
"spice pkg of cumin seeds or ground"
but i spend five minutes standing
in front of the mexican spice rack.
these two men come up next to me
(wearing matching coats, i swear)
they look like crazy indie guys.
they're also looking for some kind of chili spices.
i stall for as long as i can,
fiddling with my list and my jacket and the
products that came to my city, my tiny midtown grocery store
in order to satisfy the growing hispanic population
in the cheap apartments across the street.
here i am in my comfort.
here they are in their miniature ghetto.
here i am complaining that i have to walk to the store in the snow.
here they are having no choice, no car, no big fluffy coat.
here i am stalling next to my new favorite people,
handling the merchendise.
here i am wishing for them to be a couple,
watching their feet standing close.
they still haven't decided what to buy when
i slip away still empty-handed.
i just take the most generic seasoning up to the register
slide change into my pockets
wish change upon the world

lately i keep hearing what is good about me
but you know
i can't let myself forget all this bad
i was told that i am
a beautiful dancer
i was told that i am
full of grace
but i can't move the way i want
can't move people's minds
i was told that i have
beautifully thick raven hair
i was told that i have
good cheekbones
but i can't stand to see pictures of myself
can't stand to look in the mirror
i was asked what i have
been doing lately?
i was asked if i have
a boyfriend yet?
nope. sorry. not yet.
sorry to disappoint you again
still alanna
still a lonely little girl
i'm sorry, papa
no one ever taught me how to throw a ball around
no one ever taught me how to wear make-up
no one ever taught me to want to
i'm sorry, granny
i'm not a christian and i'm not getting married
i'm not having children
and my sexuality is ambiguous
i'm sorry, mama
i think your daughter's crazy
i think you brought your january baby
back into the warmth, in out of the cold
but in her mind she's still freezing in the snow
mama mama make me better
because i don't know what to do
still alone

wooden tiles checker the floor
ceiling too.
wet eyes for this
my wet eyes will leak and
tears will fall forever
i will soothe these ancient tiles
and cleanse old dirt
stuck like i am
stuck and i need someone
to cry warm rivers over me
i can't get myself free
you owe me tears and quickly
surviving stuck is hard on me
i am worn SO THIN
and i need not to be
clenched in the fists of
everything holding me down/back/here

put money in your idle hole

*sob sob sob* today is the last day of country spacecraft ballerina, and as if that isn't sad enough, only a few hours after the show is over, tori amos will be stunning nashville and sleater-kinney will be rocking chicago. god knows i would have gotten someone to drive me to nashville for tori, but JUST LIKE LAST TIME, it was during a play. although last time it was more frustrating because i wasn't IN the play and people were just cruel. becca and laylee were talking about going to the s-k show, though, because it is their closest one on this tour. i want to go to 23905702357023597 concerts this summer. christ. it's not fair. why does memphis hate me? i mean really, we are not that bad. but i've recently been talking to this girl named hannaH from topeka, kansas. i mean come on. topeka! and they have a huge ani fanbase and a gay community at school that has fucking rallies and shit. and here i am in the home of rock and roll or whatever with no concerts to go to and not that many people who share my taste in music. that is probably part of what is wrong. damn memphis. we need better radio stations. well katherine and i could have supplied them with one, but NO. it is "illegal" for minors to be on the radio, even if they have an adult with them at all fucking times. that is such bullshit. don't get me wrong, memphis has a wonderful theatre community and a newborn indepedent film community and i love both of them.
speaking of, the play is going rather well. only one show left. *sob*
yesterday after school, before call, elise and i went to media co-op and hung out with morgan and josh for a little while and it was wonderful. they gave us this cd of the band they are in and some writings of.... anonymous people? co-op people? i am not sure. elise took it, of course, becuase supposedly she loves them more. but they came to see our play, and they danced even though they said they wouldn't. and and and it made us happy. ohhh speaking of happy, they made our week/month/life/existence indeterminably happy by emailing us after brittany sent them to our production company site. they enjoyed it very much, i think.
"Whhhooooooowwwweeeeeeeeee!?! - Josh
This stuff makes me wanna make movies when I grow up! - Brandon
Wow, that's revolutionary! - Morgan
Absolutely Amazing! - Denny
Ya'll Rock! - Collective Exclamation upon completion of viewing"

also morgan watched elise's video "untouchable face" after being recommended it by brandon, who watched it at brittany's house while they were working a short for their film workshop. everybody thought it was amazing and are intensely flattered. morgan emailed elise about showing it with his film experiment XVII and then they would talk about it afterwards about life/art, art/life, etc. he said that our video was an "extremely mature and intensely beautiful work of art" and we could not be more overcome with joy. elise called me after she got the email and we screamed for five minutes. and then on and off for a couple hours. it was great great great and i want some damn IDEAS for some movies to come rolling into my little brain because next weekend i intend to never put down the camera. if you want somebody to make a movie of your idea or something then please. help. alskdhoashieg. i am not a terrible editor. i do what i can with what i have. sort of.
also i cannot WAIT to see blue citrus hearts which is morgan's new movie, also featuring my sister morgan for a little bit. i am very excited and it comes out next month and yayyy and if you live in memphis you should come to the screening and if you don't live in memphis but you have some sort of independent film whosits, get them to attack this movie for you. yay ok yay.
ALSO lately A Dream of You has been going incredibly well! we have had at least one post every day for like a month. it's been amazing. we have 15 members now, and mostly they are enthusiastic. there are at least three people who have kind of forgotten that they are members, i think. it's too bad. i sent out huge emails and everything. *sigh* but pleeeease check it out, we would really appreciate it. if you haven't been, it started out with just me and brittany writing poems, but then more people joined and brought with them other forms of writing and drawing and paiting and photography and creating. it's so exciting and the atmosphere there right now is really fresh and beautiful and creative and it's a great place to be. i think everyone is glad to be a part of it. those who remember that they are, anyway haha. but it is one of the best ideas i have ever had, if i do say so myself. just because it's obviously being enjoyed by a lot of people. this is the longest post i've written in forever. it's actually kind of refreshing. i remember how much fun it is to look back and see what i did on days and now i'm sad that i didn't talk about any details of the play or going to ck's coffee shop with my sister and dad and sarah and elise last night or elise coming over afterwards or going to brock's bollywood festival/party/thing that wasn't or ANYTHING that has been going on in the past few months, really!!! but uh. i'm going to go to bed now.

(i hope you can tell that i plugged like a muthafucka up in this post and all of you linkees better be grateful)

Mutant Spacebats Of Doom, where art thou? do you guys still want us to make a music video for you when you get a song recorded? do any of you even remember that we offered? please contact us if you are out there!

offer up feathery wings for you to lose yourself in. am always here. am everything and am not afraid. you will be warm here where you are loved. can hold you tell you truths like the world is really upside down, that you can fly, how beautiful you are.
these are some things that i am sure about.
i am not lying but i have trouble believing what i know.
i will learn to be a clever speaker.
i will learn to speak persuasively what i know with authority.
i will learn these things and maybe not feel lke
little hypocrisies are sliding between my teeth.
offer up tattered wings for you to wrap yourself within. am always here. am nothing and am full of fear. you will have to trust me here where you are loved. think that if you believe it enough i might transform to something beautiful for you.
give me reasons to be beautiful.
i am thriving on you
sliding
love-soaked wings through shoulder BLADES
all made of light
all made of nothing
like me
wings like me for me on waves of every airy thing
wings and i won't have to carry you because look -- now you have
wings and we can get away from here
wings and we will fly

Nabikichan086: love you
aLittleStarlight: love you back
Nabikichan086: LOVE YOU MOSTEST! :-D
aLittleStarlight: LOVE YOU MOTESTESTESTERRRR
Nabikichan086: damn!
“Nabikichan086” signed off at 5:48:44 PM.

standing there
she did not see me
i smiled
those five seconds made my day complete
my arm has been around her
my head has lain on her shoulder
her arm has been around my waist
her head has lain in my lap
her face close foreheads touch
her hair in my hands
we sure fooled them
people in the store, street, cars
people that know us
people like me
how could i have known that this is
just how it goes
she is glad to have someone who
doesn't mind being hugged
while i am glad to have someone who
doesn't mind touching me
enjoys being near me
likes my loose arms light weight
turns out i forgot to pack my brain again
turns out i forgot to think
i was supposed to remember
that could never happen
love does not fit me
i may have fit within her arms
she may have fit in mine
but i do not get love
i wouldn't call it attraction
it was all possibility
and newness
the beginning of something
spring
and i love her presence that much
enough to think about her lips
my hands in her hair
counting each other's feathers
it's sick, i know
because she never though of me that way
2 girls
we could have been beautiful
yeah
i guess it's nice to know
that those 2 ok
that they are what they have been
stubborn and marching on
in her eyes, at least
did she also leave her brain at home?
i wish she had
our minds could have nested together forever
with us (without) happily delusional
so
i feel deceived
thinking back...
what was said?
same as what she says to them
the lanka girls with boyfriends
the guys who do not date
the gay boys she dances with
she knows they all want her
i am no different
left my brain off
left it out and it's melting
i wish we could say that
it is she who has been wrong
what were you thinking?
and what took you so long
to see it? see me? see us?
i can't say anything.
there was nothing to see.
there was nothing to show.
sick and she is happy
sick for wasting the words
sick i am missing something and i need it bad
i want to be fully consumed
for her to look at me
say "this is where we came from
and this is where we are
this is what we feel so
we could learn to fly."
and we will look it in the eye
we could go back to everything
just how it has been
with arms and smiling bodies
if she will tell me how to see
my arm does not belong there
my head can not rest here
there is no room for me
i cannot convince her
but i am trying

i was illusioning myself
i should have known better somehow
that is just you being you
and me being wishful
you already have him
and all of them
you already have love
what was i thinking:
you glowed in those moments
fucking beautiful
and i could shine
but here i go again
i really don't know what to think
what's going on in my head
don't know why i get upset over something so small
don't know why my movement is too wrong inappropriate
don't know why
i need to not be this
don't know why
i need you to be around
don't know what's left to say
that is just you being beautiful
and me being stained
bring on another knife
if i ask you will say no
but you will stick it in
all the same
stupid still
i am asking too much

Frozen Heart--
it's been said before
so i'm not going to say it
i am sick of being so fucking trite
i need new words for old feelings
i need new ideas for someone stuck
it's sickening that i am jealous
happening again and again
i can't stand myself
my own thoughts
i wanted that and that was there
i needed it and it was there
i don't know what happened to the list i made
all i know is that there are so many more things on it
i've misplaced it somehow
and things are not turning out so well
only all in my head.
only some of the time.
she told me it's just hormones
god i hope she is right
i don't need to be even more messed up

Daily Horoscope for Aquarius on February 17, 2003
If you are worried about someone close to you, make sure that the problem has not become exaggerated in your own mind.You could be hearing conflicting reports that make the situation seem worse than it really is. Depressing people are not good sources of information.

I must say, sometimes these things are damn accurate.

You are Louise Brooks: sassy, smart, and oh so
cool! You are a trend-setter and probably have
a quick wit! You rock!


Which Silent Actress are You?
brought to you by Quizilla