i think there's coke in my hair

i'm really sorry i haven't been blogged the past couple days... to tarah, at least. she complained about lack of things to read. poor dear. i'm really mad at myself for not writing that lion king review yet. i think when i finally do it's going to suck, which is why i avoid it. because i can't really remember it as well as i'd like. god damn. also, i have comments now! again! it's sick how many times i've had them and taken them away. but sallis and becca said they wanted some, so we're going to try it out again. but every time people say they want them, they get underused and depressed me. so we'll see how it works out.
last night brock came over right after i discovered that the tv in the comic room was indeed alive. morgan and i thought it had been broken for like a year, and in truth she had just unplugged it. ahahahahah. okay i thought htat was funny. so brock and i played donkey kong and it was awesome. then we got restless and walked to midtown foods, were we collectively bought some chips, oreos, fig newtons, and a coconut. brock got really impatient about taking it home, and as soon as we got outside the store, he whacked it against the concrete. of course the thing exploded and there was coconut milk everywhere. brock suddenly became very lax about his no-other-lips-on-my-liquid rule. it was great. coconut is not that exciting, other than the shape and the cracking. i don't like the flavor of fake coconut, as things go, but real coconut tastes like nothing. at any rate, it's in my fridge if anyone wants some.
we watched lilo and stich, ate camy's pizza, then watched waiting for guffman. it was a really laidback kind of night, which was nice. i fell asleep literally minutes after brock left, at around 11.
morgan woke me up way too early this morning with her stupid bathwater running. agoihea. that's okay. i had a strangely funny dream about brock. all i remember is that he, morgan, her friend (could've been eileen?), and i were hanging out at our house, and then brock's mom came to get him a lot earlier than normal. we were all sad that he had to go, so she invited us back to their house for a while. in a room that i guess was supposed to be brock's, even though it was huge and not his room, we just sort of hung out or something in a way that we all fell asleep with morgan and eileen(?) on a windowseats on opposite sides of the room, and brock and i asleep on two beds pushed together in the middle. or maybe they were only pushed together when we woke up. i don't really know. so we did indeed wake up, and we were randomly alone and probably cuddling. we talked for a bit and suddenly there was this director shouting at us to start our lines. we were supposed to be doing this romantic scene. it was pretty funny. we would say this huge intense dramatic love lines and then be sort of whispering through gritted teeth how awkward it was, or how awful the director was. our scene was supposed to culminate in a kiss, but i think we somehow got too excited and overdid it. what a funny little dream.
today was Cleaning Day so that we have room for a christmas tree in the house, which we are going to get tomorrow. i did a pretty good job, in my way. i guess we all did, until we gave up. like always. aha. so around 1:30 becca called and invited me to borders to study chemistry, which i have an exam for on tuesday, so i was like hells yes! i really wanted to get out of the house, and it'd be awesome to do that in the presence of becca ...not to mention that i needed the studying. we got quite a bit done, even though we got really wrapped up in talking for a little while. it's really hard to study with someone who you don't see a whole lot because you sort of have to catch up with your talking, or something feels unfair. and either way, it wouldn't be a waste of time. she had to babysit at 5, so her dad came to get her at like 4:30. morgan's friend chase mistook me for morgan. it was very cute. his mom recognized me from grahamwood, which is funny. i always think it's funny when people recognize me. and even more funny when people mistake me for morgan! god damn! we do NOT look that much alike, and this is from a kid who sees her every damn day. i also ran into wenli and melissa t, and i got to talk to them a little. wenli asked me what she should get for brock, and i felt like such a WIFE. it was funny, especially since lately people keep saying stuff about us as Unit. morgan especially is always saying that we act married. i think people only point it out a lot because we're different genders, though.
which reminds me. brock's dad called me a dyke. HAHAHA.
today was okay though. after i went home, i just talked to brock, then laylee, then no one, then brock again on the phone. it was very very lazy, and full of yoshi. then i helped morgan with her mix cd christmas presents until brandon called, and i talked to him until about 1:20. lying in the bed and talking made me REALLY REALLY tired but as soon as i got up to hang up the phone, i lost tiredness. so i came to blog and this was supposed to make me tired, but i don't know if it's working because now i'm talking to zoe and i don't feel like i can just leave her all sad here. we'll see. god i love this album.

listening to: neutral milk hotel - oh comely

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HATE LIFE?

okay break for a minute--
robitussin am: seriously. we could take over the world
robitussin am: or at least the greater metropolitan area
robitussin am: i don't think you understand our combined potential

listening to: the make up - c'mon, let's spawn

so last night i hurt my eye somehow.. i don't really know. but i felt like it just had something in it so i took a really damn long shower trying to get it out. but it would not get out. mom said it looked like i had cut it somehow... and that brock had called, so we had a really really nice long conversation until 10:30. then he had to go to bed, and i had to do homework. it was really hard to read fucking faulkner with my eye feeling so weird. dad came in to tell me goodnight and said maybe i should stay home tomorrow. i was like "maybe...." because the last few times i've been absent, i've felt really guilty for it. but i ended up falling asleep not even halfway through the reading assignment, and still latin and history left to do. i woke up at like 2:30 in the morning, cleaned off the damn bed, and went back to sleep. i vaguely remember mom and/or dad coming in to wake me up this morning, and them deciding it would be better if i stayed home today. i didn't wake up until 1, when mom called to check up on me. my eye feels a lot better, but i obviously needed the damn sleep, so i'm glad i stayed home. i hope i'm not missing too much har har har har har.

listening to: air - bathroom girl

you looked to be a bird to me
you said you’d teach me to fly
you asked me to shake my cat skin
for you, i gladly abliged
in my sudden unprotection, cold, alone
you saw my vulnerablity
you snatched away what you could take
i’m left without my screams

you rode in and saved my day
when it was a convenient use of time
when you needed me, i jumped hurtles
i raced rivers, i went blind
then when i would call you up
you conveniently declined
my dreams fell through nets of hope
before i finally fell to mine

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me

when dish and spoon eloped together
they just sent the cow to the moon
the cat and the bat became runaways today
and left the rat to its own
we run we’ll run through every field
we’ll go everywhere in eyesight
with your false wings, you can’t limit us
we’ll be everything in starlight

tap tap tap were your hands on the steering wheel
blue turns black when i see what is really real
back back back to when i’m free
so you’re a rat rat rat -- i hate what has become of me
rat rat rat! you're digging through the trash, i see

call the sun
ask him if he’s up for it
call the sea
to help us find a place to fit......
call the cat cat cat!
the kitty’s got a game to play
cat cat cat, chase the mousies all away

i just found out that the co-op art house has moved to sunday nights at 8. that is bad for me because it means i'll be able to go even less regularly than i did last year. oh well. i was thinking about maybe going to the thing there this saturday, though. anyone up for that mess?
today is okay. i have apple juice, so all is well. i got online last night after katherine left, and brandon's away message was something about "waiting for lovertits for days" and talking to him was just awesome.
i can't remember anything else that happened today, except that i got a 71 on a chemistry test and i'm really nervous about that grade. i had a 55 on my progress report. i'm hoping to pass the test on friday, but i've also got the ap u.s. and english tests to worry about. fuckaaa i really shouldn't be online. it's okay because i'm in an okay mood. i think it's at least partially because of Happy Tuesday last night... that was great. unfortunately, katherine didn't get home until about 10:30 and she told her parents we'd been working on movies, not studying. so now she isn't allowed to drive for a long time. it's bad. i hope we can still DO the movie.... it's going to be tough, because we have to get everything filmed before break if we want to enter the film festival. if you want to help with ideas, shooting, or acting please let us know. or if you've got a hamster.
also katherine said my comment on ted's blog encouraged her to also post... i like that. it felt weird to be reading it without his knowledge. i encourage everyone to do that with every blog. ted wants to do recycle stuff around the school, and katherine and i offered to a video for the announcements. that'd be pretty interesting.
okay. i better get out of here.
OH YEAH THOUGH. morgan has a new blog. she wants readers. do it. (she made me edit that image really fucking fast. i hope she lets me fix it.)

listening to: the postal service - the district sleeps alone tonight

katherine just went home. she came and picked me up around 7 or something and we went to starbucks and talked about movies. then we went to the cyber cafe and worked on the plot of our cinderella remake. at like 9, we decided it was late and time for her to take me home. she ended up coming inside to see morgan, and we talked a little about the movie, but had a HUGE great conversation. she just left, and i'm in a great mood.

starbucks beauty of the day--
mysterious indian guys: are you guys writing a play?
us: no... a movie
mysterious indian guys: for a course?
us: no... we are actually supposed to be studying.
mysterious indian guys: everyone else is studying, you are different.

oo-de-lally, i have a craving for one of those new sonic blasts. oh hell. oh oh. i'm hungry and starving, happy and bleeding. oh oh oh ohoh ohohhhhhh i hate tex wex. fuck.

today was actually a pretty decent day. go figure. i think i was still glowing from the weekend, to an extent. it was a very good weekend. le sigh. plus i was still feeling very Band because of talking with margaret on thursday night, so i tried to write a song in study hall. aha.
school was school. homework was homework i.e. it's nowhere near being done. in between was a phone call with brock, pancakes for dinner, and a really good session of therapy. part of why it went well, i think, was that it was the first time in FOREVER that i have been there without mom, so talking felt easier. i am terrified to say anything when she's in there, for some reason. also what we talked about today really jumped around, we weren't just stuck on anxiety things like usual. i talked about Incident Of Weekend that i knew mom would've wanted me to mention, even though i almost forgot to aha.
(when i got home yesterday after spending the night at laylee's, mom interrogated me and asked if i behaved. i said "yes!" 50 gazillion times, but she said i looked guilty so i finally told her that people had wine but that i didn't have any. so she gave me more drinking lectures which turned into sex lectures. it was really funny.) i liked how lady told me to handle it from now on, though. sometimes her suggestions make me vomit, but this one i liked and mom did too -- i am supposed to be able to call mom and tell her things like "so and so is drinking, i'm not. but i want to hang out here for a while longer." and if mom is not comfortable she can come and get me from wherever, and eventually she will see that i am trustworthy and making good choices, blah blah blah. since i don't really have that much interest in drinking anyway it doesn't really matter. but whatever. it's more about mom than me. and it would be really cool if i could be more close to her, i think. i mean christ she's going to be around for a while, you know? i should get used to her.
then i, for some reason, mentioned that a bunch of people i know are on medication and/or go to therapy, and brock and i had discussed the other day what it would be like to be presented with the choice of meds, etc. she asked if i thought i needed it, and i said no, but then i did talk about how i get depressed. i am really proud of myself for that, because it's something i haven't talked about at all in there or to anyone at home, and they never notice that kind of shit. plus mom has depression, and it's genetic. lady said really funny thing concerning genetics, as "the gift that keeps on giving" and did this cute laugh. i also made her laugh/squeak today. it was nice, but i don't know what it was about. ha. she also talked about how depression and anxiety (which are both genetic, and which my parents have respectively) go hand in hand. so i'm basically doomed. it's okay. she made me feel a lot more comfortable about the depression thing too. she said i should try to look for patterns in when i get depressed and everything, and that we can talk about them in sessions and fix things. she also said that usually for depression neither just talk therapy or just meds work, and that both are most effective. i thought that was kind of interesting.
i just realized how hysterical it is that i post all this shit about therapy on my blog. i think i'm going to kill myself now.

alanna stewart had a great fucking weekend, hell yes!

today fucking sucked. not for any one particular reason, but everything about school was bad. by the end of the day i was so damn depressed. we had a short spice girls dance party in the parking lot after school, but even that didn't really fix stuff. i came home alone and sat around feeling dumb. brittany called, which was the best part of the afternoon. i told her to come to becca's show, and we just talked, and it was nice. then i tried to call laylee because i was sad. i forgot she was at that thing thing. stupid me. i called brock to ask him to bring me blank video tapes so that i could film becca's show. we didn't talk very long after that so i ended up nearly taking a couple naps. i was really tired from my week of bad sleeping habits, so i guess that is good. then morgan went over to eileen's, and mom and i watched the beginning of "the crow." aha. basically it was a fucking awful day, afternoon, and early evening. i got dad to drive me to java at 8. brock had already arrived; i think he forgot that he was supposed to call me when he got there. i was still in a sad little mood, even though i was excited about the show. i shmoozed around and played with the many varieties of magic 8-balls with sallis, kevin, brock and cuddled laylee for a while. brock and i made the mistake of leaving our place on the couch to get drinks. in reality, this should not have taken any time at all. but the BITCH WOMAN FROM HELL was working tonight, and she totally ignored us for like 15 minutes. so we lost our places to elise's friend laura and some guy from ridgeway. elise and some guy eric got there, and completely avoided me and brock. it was really hilarious, if you think about it. then brittany and her entire family showed up, which was also hilarious. brock, alice, lauren h, brittany, and i played with chess pieces during daniel's poetry reading. i thought that becca had asked him to do all funny stuff, but apparently not. i think that is better considering the nature of becca's set, but i am not too impressed with most of his stuff. so becca came on, and she was of course AMAZING. i love all the new songs. the show tonight was really intense, really different from last time. with that, she had played the songs for a (partially, at least) similiar crowd so many times before that we had all developed a pattern. becca was very big on eye contact and grins and it was adorable and very fun. so even if the nature of the song was sad, you had a great fucking time anyway. with this show, most of the songs were things that she hadn't played for audiences and most of them were very sad and very beautiful. the show turned out very intense, which i thought was really awesome, especially considering my state. i would rather see someone totally into her music and sad sad than happy and cute, even though both are great. it's so impressive how becca has evolved and matured since just august. i know she was anxious about how the shit went down, but i don't think she had any reason to be. the only things that disappointed me were that i wished the set was longer, and that some people who were supposed to come didn't show up. margaret, christie, jenny, elizabeth, robin, etc -- where the fuck were you?! spacebat ass!??!!?! fuck that!
i can't really talk. after becca's set and generally hanging out-ness, katherine, alice, lauren, tarah, brock and i went over to hi-tone to see the tail end of the mutant spacebats show. i danced like a mutha, and it was the most upbeat part of my whole fucking day. dancing can make everything better for me. it was just so good. then svetlana was there and tried to grind with brock again. for fuck's sake. i really hate her. stupid ho. alice had to be home my midnight, so i got home around 11:45. now i've been hanging out, and talking to hannaH, and making mp3s of becca's show. ask her if you can hear them. plus evan williams's copies are probably better.

listening to: becca bobango - morning sickness

dear god i fell asleep reading history. and i so determined not to this time. well at least morgan woke me up so now i can do my english paper. good luck, alanna.

wow. guys. i saw lion king at the orpheum. it was so fucking great. i can't even tell you. you have to see it. but i think the only day that isn't sold out is christmas eve. try to get out of that family shit. serious.
i have every intention of writing a silly little alanna-ish review. but right now i have a huge date with my english homework. and history. and apwoehipioahgopawghiweh fucka

listening to: sleater-kinney - lions and tigers

today managed to be really really awesome. i don't know how. brock also had a great day. it's nice how cosmic we are. we both woke up at 6:40 this morning (very late). i can't think of anything really specific that was nice. i think it was just sort of to combat my icky feeling of yesterday. i felt really fresh. like i did at the beginning of the year, maybe. it was just really nice somehow. that's about it. okay.

listening to: romeo void - never say never

Laylee2000: BUT THE PORN ALANNA
Laylee2000: WHY WEREN'T YOU THINKING ABOUT THE PRON

ahahahahahhahahahahahah.
smashing pumpkins' "tonight, tonight" video is SO damn pretty.

brandon is god, partially because he is the only other person i know who hates the perks of being a wallflower. hooray!!

listening to: feed - debaser (pixies cover)

i'm really sad. everything is depressing. i am trying to make sallis not feel so bad, and trying to be happy for everyone else, except for bitching at tarah.
quoth tarah rhoda "if i liked you anymore, then im pretty sure i'd be lesbian."
what a good kid.

a beautiful video: "pagan poetry" by bjork.
DO NOT WATCH IT if you have a low pain tolerance
awoghiiopawghopawghopawih.

i'm drinking draft root beer, am in a wonderful mood, and am preparing to blog to you the joys and trials of my thanksgiving holiday. hooray for long alanna postage. (hopefully. if you're laylee.)
wednesday: i went to bed shortly after i blogged, around 3, after said AWESOME conversation time with tarah and aj. what amazing kids. i'm so lucky to have the friends i do. plus, it had been a while since i've really talked to either of them, and it was sort of funny how the conversations were sometimes in a really similiar vein and sometimes totally dissimilar. i clambered into bed and unlocked my window, having promised eileen that i would. i told her she could come play at our house while we were gone, and i didn't think she'd actually come but it was something of a priniciple. i fell asleep listening to vespertine which made me really happy. unfortunately, i forgot to take it out of the cd player for the trip in the morning.
thursday: i was woken up far too early for my poor body. on the way to jackson, i listened to fiona apple and slept. i always forget how short granny is. i guess it's really her 'fault' that i'm so short -- her eye level is at my chest. (no wonder she is constantly talking about my figure.) we had a short little break before the actual thanksgiving meal, and the normal post-dinner talking. mom usually leaves the first, to go take her nap. this time morgan left too. dad, granny, and i talked a while. well. granny told her same old stories, and we listened, and granddaddy sat at the other end of the table very silent. what can i say? they're strange little old southern baptist people. i left a message on sallis's cell phone, since he was in town the same time as me and i thought it'd be cool to see him while we were stuck in jackson. i also called brock, but he was just sitting down to a movie. so i watched i love the 80s strike back with my familia before brandon called, demanding my help on his christmas wish list. i really didn't help at all, but we got to talk so that was cool. then brock called, and i talked to him for 15 minutes longer than i was supposed to, but it was really good to talk to him all the same. unfortunately, i ran down my phone's battery like a mutha and i forgot to bring my chargie thing. oh well. after we got off the phone, i watched dumb vh1 shows with dad and morgan until i nearly fell asleep on the couch staring at miss apple bottoms.
friday: hooray for eggs and biscuits and bacon and real breakfasts! after eating we headed over to barnes and noble for book shopping. i was excited about going but when we got there i didn't really know what i wanted to do there. i ended up at the newstand looking for a new music magazine. dad and i collectively bought cmj new music, magnet, and the new rolling stone featuring top 500 albums of all time. we took morgan home, with a huuuuge stack of books she got for her friends for christmas, and then dropped off mom at tj maxx. dad and i went to the cd sale at circuit city, where i bought AFI and flogging molly. guilty pleasures like a mutha. i'm actually considering giving the flogging molly to someone as a present... but i've just blogged it HAHA and that means i could only give it to brock now. but who else would want it? oh well. maybe i won't give it away. phh. dad got the smiths and the rolling stones. mom got wrapping paper. morgan took a nap. we spent the rest of the day mulling over and arguing with the rolling stone top 500. i made everyone write down the ones they owned. it wasn't very interesting, but there was nothing else to do. and i love lists and patterns and things, so. apwoghiwgopeh obsessive alanna aoiwghepioghoahi. today brock and i were talking about how hard it is to find your real love job in life and actually be able to do it. there's so much pressure to find it that it's really hard to actually notice when it's there, you're so busy looking. the only thing that i just absolutely love with no inhibitions is music... but not the playing of it. i don't really know. brock says he could see me doing the tech stuff, like 'recording engineer'-wise, i guess. or i could do music videos maybe. or just ... buy cds and work at mcdonalds. then again i'd have to like. live in my car, to have enough money to buy albums anyway. agowiphpogihw i'm so offtrack. we watched interview with the vampire at midnight, and that's all that matters. oh i did get to talk to sallis briefly. we talked about hanging out after dinner, but he didn't get home until 9 so he couldn't call back. too bad.
saturday: i woke up to the sound of granny's tv with a really bad headache. i got up because i couldn't lie in the bed any longer, and went to lie on the couch with mom instead. i had some cheerios. went back to the couch. dad gave me an advil, and mom rubbed my back a lot, which made me really happy. the headache got no better. i had another advil. i went back to the bed, where i stayed for a damn long time. we were supposed to leave at 2 today, but dad didn't want to wake me up when i was feeling so bad. they had to, eventually, and we stumbled out of jackson around 3. as we were driving away, i put on my headphones, siamese dream by smashing pumpkins. it is by no means a quiet album, but it automatically sent away my headache. i really don't understand it. i don't know why i hadn't tried that already, since i know music does that to me sometimes. the album ended, and i played some my bloody valentine before we stopped in grenada for fooooood for me, having slept through lunch. when we got back in the car, my headache was creeping back in so i put on live through this by hole, and everything was back to good. i love that album. so i also played celebrity skin just to make sure i packed it in. it was a nice drive; i didn't sleep at all.
we were in downtown memphis around 6, and i finally checked my messages on my near-dead phone. i had a simple one from brock, but i was glad that he left it since he usually doesn't leave messages but he knows i get annoyed when people don't leave them. hooray for that. i had an awesome one from brandon telling me that frosty the snowman was on tv and i was going to miss it. when we got home, mom ordered pizza before i called brock. he had some relatives over and was expected to stay at home, so we couldn't hang out. i didn't feel like calling around because i figured everyone would be busy. so brock and i just had a nice long phone conversation. unforunately, he was ripped prematurely out of it by his mother for reasons still unknown to me. too bad. actually, if we didn't get kicked off the phone we would never stop talking, i'm sure. i think every single conversation we've had, someone has stopped it other than us. okay, maybe there were some "shitload of homework" or "i'm busy" ones. but still. moving on. i had some pizza. sat around online. watched trailers for the director's series, which i'm really excited about. (i'm assuming that my family is giving at least one to me for christmas.) watched degrassi with morgan. talked to some kids online. this is about it.
oh i commented on ted's blog. i'm afraid becca will be mad because she had a very specific thing about him not knowing that we read it... but i know i'd be really annoyed if someone was reading my blog and i had no idea. plus, tarah has been saying very good things about him. and apparently he told her i'm very honest and sincere. i appreciate that a lot, especially since he thinks i hate him. i really don't hate him, though. tarah thinks we'd get along... hahaa. you never know.

listening to: AFI - bleed black
(have i ever mentioned i ADORE davey havok?!)

You are "Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. There are a lot of theories on what you're about, but you actually poke fun at self-absorbed male models. Then again, who doesn't?
What One-hit-wonder are you?
that's a quiz by my friend bly. hooray for her new knowledge of javascript!
tarah and i have been having an awesome conversation. i really like talking to her, if i haven't said that before. she's a great talker and a great listener, and she thinks i am truthful and sincere, and we have very good talking. woohoo! unfortunately she signed off a minute ago without explanation, which is sad because i can't just talk to her tomorrow. i wish i got to see her at school sometimes, if not on the weekend. she's really social and has no time for me. that's okay because we still have really good conversations. i'm also talking to aj ("i want to go to bed but i like talking to you too much"). what a sweet kid. he is sort of venting at me, but in a good/funny way. what can i say, i like the guy.
i should probably go to bed. but that would mean packing for the trip. and damn it. no.

listening to: bjork - isobel