i write a letter every day
i send it to your vein
you whisper words i cannot face
i'm singing in my chains
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
i'm about to start on my Day of Death and undertake the seemingly impossible task of writing an entire research paper in a single evening. wish me luck. dan ying said it would take 3 hours.... it took laylee all weekend, and she stayed up all night on sunday to finish. we'll see, we'll see. but i already have a damn headache, and i'm starving. i'm gonna get a peppah.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
HOW ARE JOEY RAMONE'S LEGS SO IMPOSSIBLY LONG AND SKINNY? god i love the man.
today wasn't awful. i felt really dumb all day. probably because of shitty grades i've been getting. and then something else. i don't know what but it made me feel really stupid too. plus i finally remembered to make up my history map test, but as climbed out of the stairwell, ervin was walking away down the hall. so i ran back down the stairs. i can't believe i'm so stupid. again. aggugh.
oh yeah, it was MIXITUP day at lunch. they've been promoting it for like two weeks. it's supposed to be this day where you sit with a different group of people than your normal one. to promote tolerance or something. as if that isn't silly enough, my ret@rd*d school made it worse. when you walked into the cafeteria, you were given a little square of colored paper and you were asked to sit at a table that matched the color. you didn't have to, or anything, but rather than promoting just the concept of sitting with someone new, you were basically forced to. it was such a piece of shit. anyway, our regular table (minus nisha, praise god) sat at the color table that brock and katherine had been assigned to. there were two girls sitting there already, and we talked to them a little. one of them's name is linda and i asked to see her bag, so that i could read the pins. she had ones for atom and his package, pedro the lion, coheed and cambria... i was really impressed but she just sort of shrugged or something. it made me wonder if she actually liked the bands, or if someone just gave her the pins. also, mark fucking bolding sat down next to sallis. ho is that for awkward? poor sallis. i couldn't tell if the rest of the people that ended up there usually sat together or not. so i guess we mixed it up a little, but it was mostly awkward, and mostly me and brock talking. oh well. it seemed like the day was pretty awkward for everyone. or cruel, in some instances. it just seems like the popular people were kind of like "ooh let's mix it up and sit with the unpopular people!" the cafeteria was still segregated black/white though, pretty much. except for this asian kid sitting at a table with some black guys. he looked absolutely miserable. even more miserable was this white kid sitting with some black guys... he was so miserable, he was reading the newspaper. a lot of people were only participating because they though they'd get in trouble if they didn't. you could tell. the whole idea made me really sad. kids shouldn't be forced into an activity like this, and we weren't, so most people didn't even try to do it, not even student council. the ones who DID seemed to be mocking the whole concept. i think i did a better job of scaring away kids than i did making a new friends. i am not a racist or a sexist or anything. i sit with the kids i know because they're the kids i know i like. i don't sit with them because we're all middle class whities. and anyway i didn't like mark fucking bolding before he sat down, and i didn't like him anymore when lunch was over. however i waved at jo. that was a new experience. ahhahahaha.
therapy yesterday was okay. the office was locked when we got there and we waited outside for like 10 minutes. we nearly left, but lady happened to be walking by when mom knocked one last time. it was fortunate, i guess. she's asked mom to sit in for all our sessions recently. it's sort of intimidating but i think what she's trying to do is make it more comfortable for me to talk in front of more than one person, or something. or maybe just more comfortable with mom. well, there's some kind of point to it, i know that much. first we talked about the dad/blog thing and she had me leave to talk to mom alone for a few minutes. that was strange, we've never done that before. then we talked about how to fix shit, etc. lady said i can bring dad in any time i want, and try to work on issues better in a session. that might help, if we had something concrete to deal with. rather than just me being constantly pissed off at his ness. then she asked about my report card, and how things in history discussion went, and how my college research is going, and if i've done anything to get on my way to driving. mostly it's okay. i sounded really okay. pretty hilarious after one of the worst weeks of my life. at the very end she asked if i had anything else to say. i tried to say what a bad week i'd had, but it felt really unimportant suddenly, and there were no words that fit it right. she asked if i was stressed or sad or what? and i had no idea how to say it, so i was basically like "eahoig" and that was the end. plus mom was still there, that definitely affected things. it's harder to talk like that.
we came home, i got some ice cream, and then the parentals and i sat down for a Talk. i don't really want to go into it, but dad agreed not to look at my blog again. i made him tell me a few details, so if you're interested: he looked for it specifically on google, it didn't just happen to pop up. he has been reading it every day for the past few weeks, and before that more irregularly. he doesn't understand the privacy issue.
end. as the conversation was breaking up, he told me that brock and brandon had called ("oh, her male entourage!" quoth mom). i was afraid to call back brock because it was like 9:30. which isn't that late, but still. margaret would've been asleep, come on. there was something really really nice about talking to brock on the phone last night. i can't really put my finger on it. i feel like our relationship sort of fell out for a few weeks, but we are getting back to where we were, and i'm really glad. i couldn't stand it if brock went away. it'd be nice to think he thought the same.
today wasn't awful. i felt really dumb all day. probably because of shitty grades i've been getting. and then something else. i don't know what but it made me feel really stupid too. plus i finally remembered to make up my history map test, but as climbed out of the stairwell, ervin was walking away down the hall. so i ran back down the stairs. i can't believe i'm so stupid. again. aggugh.
oh yeah, it was MIXITUP day at lunch. they've been promoting it for like two weeks. it's supposed to be this day where you sit with a different group of people than your normal one. to promote tolerance or something. as if that isn't silly enough, my ret@rd*d school made it worse. when you walked into the cafeteria, you were given a little square of colored paper and you were asked to sit at a table that matched the color. you didn't have to, or anything, but rather than promoting just the concept of sitting with someone new, you were basically forced to. it was such a piece of shit. anyway, our regular table (minus nisha, praise god) sat at the color table that brock and katherine had been assigned to. there were two girls sitting there already, and we talked to them a little. one of them's name is linda and i asked to see her bag, so that i could read the pins. she had ones for atom and his package, pedro the lion, coheed and cambria... i was really impressed but she just sort of shrugged or something. it made me wonder if she actually liked the bands, or if someone just gave her the pins. also, mark fucking bolding sat down next to sallis. ho is that for awkward? poor sallis. i couldn't tell if the rest of the people that ended up there usually sat together or not. so i guess we mixed it up a little, but it was mostly awkward, and mostly me and brock talking. oh well. it seemed like the day was pretty awkward for everyone. or cruel, in some instances. it just seems like the popular people were kind of like "ooh let's mix it up and sit with the unpopular people!" the cafeteria was still segregated black/white though, pretty much. except for this asian kid sitting at a table with some black guys. he looked absolutely miserable. even more miserable was this white kid sitting with some black guys... he was so miserable, he was reading the newspaper. a lot of people were only participating because they though they'd get in trouble if they didn't. you could tell. the whole idea made me really sad. kids shouldn't be forced into an activity like this, and we weren't, so most people didn't even try to do it, not even student council. the ones who DID seemed to be mocking the whole concept. i think i did a better job of scaring away kids than i did making a new friends. i am not a racist or a sexist or anything. i sit with the kids i know because they're the kids i know i like. i don't sit with them because we're all middle class whities. and anyway i didn't like mark fucking bolding before he sat down, and i didn't like him anymore when lunch was over. however i waved at jo. that was a new experience. ahhahahaha.
therapy yesterday was okay. the office was locked when we got there and we waited outside for like 10 minutes. we nearly left, but lady happened to be walking by when mom knocked one last time. it was fortunate, i guess. she's asked mom to sit in for all our sessions recently. it's sort of intimidating but i think what she's trying to do is make it more comfortable for me to talk in front of more than one person, or something. or maybe just more comfortable with mom. well, there's some kind of point to it, i know that much. first we talked about the dad/blog thing and she had me leave to talk to mom alone for a few minutes. that was strange, we've never done that before. then we talked about how to fix shit, etc. lady said i can bring dad in any time i want, and try to work on issues better in a session. that might help, if we had something concrete to deal with. rather than just me being constantly pissed off at his ness. then she asked about my report card, and how things in history discussion went, and how my college research is going, and if i've done anything to get on my way to driving. mostly it's okay. i sounded really okay. pretty hilarious after one of the worst weeks of my life. at the very end she asked if i had anything else to say. i tried to say what a bad week i'd had, but it felt really unimportant suddenly, and there were no words that fit it right. she asked if i was stressed or sad or what? and i had no idea how to say it, so i was basically like "eahoig" and that was the end. plus mom was still there, that definitely affected things. it's harder to talk like that.
we came home, i got some ice cream, and then the parentals and i sat down for a Talk. i don't really want to go into it, but dad agreed not to look at my blog again. i made him tell me a few details, so if you're interested: he looked for it specifically on google, it didn't just happen to pop up. he has been reading it every day for the past few weeks, and before that more irregularly. he doesn't understand the privacy issue.
end. as the conversation was breaking up, he told me that brock and brandon had called ("oh, her male entourage!" quoth mom). i was afraid to call back brock because it was like 9:30. which isn't that late, but still. margaret would've been asleep, come on. there was something really really nice about talking to brock on the phone last night. i can't really put my finger on it. i feel like our relationship sort of fell out for a few weeks, but we are getting back to where we were, and i'm really glad. i couldn't stand it if brock went away. it'd be nice to think he thought the same.
listening to: rasputina - the new zero
Monday, November 17, 2003
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Patti Smith
what punk rock goddess are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
fucking awesome!!!! i couldn't tell she was one of the choices until the last question. woohoo i love patti. she's so beautiful.
today dad 'fixed' my window without telling me. it was really sad. i need to have a ceremony. today basically sucked all around. it invovled cleaning and no friends and really shitty family stuff. at one point i was annoyed at havingn to clean the kitchen, which was full of mom's shit and complaining that she's always mad at US for leaving stuff everywehre, and i had to clean up her damn mess. she got really pissed and was all like "are you a part of the family or not?" because if i wasn't going to help out, i better find somewhere else to live, and "then it's settled, you're out of here when you turn 18 and we're not going to help you pay for college or anything." it made my day ten times better. woowee what a weekend.
so i basically sat around lifeless and depressed all day. i called a laylee, katherine, and brock but no one was around. eventually i was talking to sallis online, and he had been planning to do his english essay stuff tonight but instead invited me over to watch a movie. it was very sweet. his parents and mine were both going to the 'boogie in the books' party in the library. ho ho ho. is it ironic that the day katherine deleted her blog (party in the library) they actually HAD one? ..... i'm easily amused.
sallis came to pick me up and it was all raining and he had this huge umbrella to walk me to the car and he opened my door all nice. he's the greatest. he had gotten the stretch princess cd yesterday, and he had it in his car. it made me really happy. the funny thing is that he heard "shoes" in elise's car, probably before school yesterday morning. i, of course, made elise download that song this summer. sallis fell in love with the song and had to have the cd. bravo, good sir. anyway, back at his house i met his brother, his parents, and his parents' friends. i tried to be a polite little alanna. i don't know if it worked. especially since laylee called me and my cell phone was all ringy and i was all cell phone girly. i felt silly, but i was really happy that laylee called back. sallis and i had talked about inviting some other people to come back a movie with us, but they were busy anyway. after sallis's brother retreated, and the adults left to boogie, we stood around trying to decide what to watch. it didn't go very well. sallis is polite, so he was letting me, the guest, decide what to watch and i am indecisive so i couldn't choose. we ended up going to blockbuster and milling around until we spotted "frida." i had been really wanting to see that, and sallis said he'd heard good things so we got it. and "finding nemo" for his brother. thank god, too, because it kept him occupied all night, and he would've been a little young for miss frida. i lovedddd the movie. it was really really well done in the acting, and the history, and the cinema, and everything about it. wow it was really good. sigh. i hope sallis isn't having nightmares. i told him to call me if he had one, but i think he would be too polite for that. i told him i might call HIM, but i got a little carried away with laylee and the suicide girls just now. so maybe another time aha. anyway. after the movie, we had time to discuss it a little and everything, which was nice. then the adults came home and talked about the party and everything. haa it was very gossip compared to what i am used to hearing from my parents on that kind of event. there's nothing about the 55-year-old in the mini skirt, or the person whose face looked like it had been run over by a truck. it was interesting, at least, to get a different perspective. then they embarassed sallis to death by showing me the video they'd made for his 16th birthday this summer featuring lots of baby pictures and the 4 adults talking about what a good kid sallis is. and all kinds of people singing happy birthday. it was nice, but i should've insisted that i didn't want to see it, for sallis's sake. the adults were obviously very proud of it and everything, and i guess i didn't want to spoil their good time. then again, they were constantly making fun of sallis for the way he talks and everything. which is funny, i thought that maybe he got it from his parents or something. apparently not. i also thought he got his love of jummy buffett and celtic from them, but they also made fun of that. when we first came in, he made some comment and they were just kind of like ".....ooookay. nutcase." in not so many words. i mean, it's no wonder the poor kid thinks he's a weirdo and has no self-esteem. even his parents make fun of him, why would anyone else feel differently? i'm really preachy right now. sorry. i like sallis, though. he's a great kid. my dad came to pick me up eventually, and we all sort of stood around the doorway and talked for a few minutes. i think i must've said something funny, because sallis's dad gave me this weird tap thing on my shoulder. ahahahahaha that is pretty funny. to me. so we were saying goodbye and sallis tried to shake my hand. it was very cute. i sort of shook it a little, and then hugged him anyway. i hope he didn't mind too much. i probably invaded his space. well maybe he needs a little invasion every now and then. and i was the man for the job. *cue music*
i was not very happy that dad and dad alone was my chauffer this evening. no, no, no. we are not on good terms obviously. but when he came to get me, i was in this great mood and he was in this great mood, plus part of it was a thing about looking happy in front of sallis's family or something, i think. unconciously maybe. but anyway, i was being nice to him and he, of course, was being nice to me. so i couldn't very well just stop as soon as i realized it was happening, in the car. it made me really mad because i haven't really yelled at him, except for once, about being totally angry with him. and if i've just done this happy thing, then i'm obviously not totally angry. phh i fucked it all up. now what can i do god damn it. dad took the niceness as an opportunity to be especially talky to me and he did the touchy thing and eww. he's been kissing my head a lot the past few days and it's going to drive me insane. next time i think i'll fucking slap his face. i hate it. i hate him tricking himself into thinking that we are chums. god. i've done it again. i didn't want to end on a sour note. OH I SO DON'T HAVE TO.
brock called during the middle of the movie, "just to check up." the conversation was probably our shortest to date... about 30 seconds or something. it just made me really really really really happy. that was a highlight of the evening. obviously the other big highlight was simply the fact that i got to hang out with sallis. wow, i feel so honored. another highlight was that on the way home, brandon called to tell me about the bonfire madigan show. man. i really wish i could've been there. obviously. he was very non-braggy about it, which i really appreciated. he was nice about it, and got me something (i couldn't really tell what he said) and he's going to make me a copy of the live cd. hooray and many thanks to brandon. i love that puppy lump. when i got home, i went online and whatnot. talked to elise a little bit about this basic essay i wrote on my new interpretation of her music video "untouchable face" which can be read here in the commentaries. she did what i thought she'd do, which was forget that i was talking about the video and not her damned personal life. she was EXTREMELY non-talky. over the last couple months, we don't actually have a conversation unless she starts it. if i start it, i basically ramble and she says "haha," "yeah," and "depends on how you look at it." well that was tonight's vocabulary anyway. it's beginning to drive me nuts. HAHAH but i don't really have to deal with it, i guess so who cares. anyway. for the past few hours i have been talking to laylee. we tried to find nude blog layouts. there used to be a whole site, and we can't find it anymore. pretty sad. so we just ended up hanging out with the suicide girls. a pretty good evening, on a whole. too bad that most of the day was shit, and the entire week was shit. i mean, even the movie we watched was intensely depressing. i can't get away from sad and depress lately. well woops.
so i basically sat around lifeless and depressed all day. i called a laylee, katherine, and brock but no one was around. eventually i was talking to sallis online, and he had been planning to do his english essay stuff tonight but instead invited me over to watch a movie. it was very sweet. his parents and mine were both going to the 'boogie in the books' party in the library. ho ho ho. is it ironic that the day katherine deleted her blog (party in the library) they actually HAD one? ..... i'm easily amused.
sallis came to pick me up and it was all raining and he had this huge umbrella to walk me to the car and he opened my door all nice. he's the greatest. he had gotten the stretch princess cd yesterday, and he had it in his car. it made me really happy. the funny thing is that he heard "shoes" in elise's car, probably before school yesterday morning. i, of course, made elise download that song this summer. sallis fell in love with the song and had to have the cd. bravo, good sir. anyway, back at his house i met his brother, his parents, and his parents' friends. i tried to be a polite little alanna. i don't know if it worked. especially since laylee called me and my cell phone was all ringy and i was all cell phone girly. i felt silly, but i was really happy that laylee called back. sallis and i had talked about inviting some other people to come back a movie with us, but they were busy anyway. after sallis's brother retreated, and the adults left to boogie, we stood around trying to decide what to watch. it didn't go very well. sallis is polite, so he was letting me, the guest, decide what to watch and i am indecisive so i couldn't choose. we ended up going to blockbuster and milling around until we spotted "frida." i had been really wanting to see that, and sallis said he'd heard good things so we got it. and "finding nemo" for his brother. thank god, too, because it kept him occupied all night, and he would've been a little young for miss frida. i lovedddd the movie. it was really really well done in the acting, and the history, and the cinema, and everything about it. wow it was really good. sigh. i hope sallis isn't having nightmares. i told him to call me if he had one, but i think he would be too polite for that. i told him i might call HIM, but i got a little carried away with laylee and the suicide girls just now. so maybe another time aha. anyway. after the movie, we had time to discuss it a little and everything, which was nice. then the adults came home and talked about the party and everything. haa it was very gossip compared to what i am used to hearing from my parents on that kind of event. there's nothing about the 55-year-old in the mini skirt, or the person whose face looked like it had been run over by a truck. it was interesting, at least, to get a different perspective. then they embarassed sallis to death by showing me the video they'd made for his 16th birthday this summer featuring lots of baby pictures and the 4 adults talking about what a good kid sallis is. and all kinds of people singing happy birthday. it was nice, but i should've insisted that i didn't want to see it, for sallis's sake. the adults were obviously very proud of it and everything, and i guess i didn't want to spoil their good time. then again, they were constantly making fun of sallis for the way he talks and everything. which is funny, i thought that maybe he got it from his parents or something. apparently not. i also thought he got his love of jummy buffett and celtic from them, but they also made fun of that. when we first came in, he made some comment and they were just kind of like ".....ooookay. nutcase." in not so many words. i mean, it's no wonder the poor kid thinks he's a weirdo and has no self-esteem. even his parents make fun of him, why would anyone else feel differently? i'm really preachy right now. sorry. i like sallis, though. he's a great kid. my dad came to pick me up eventually, and we all sort of stood around the doorway and talked for a few minutes. i think i must've said something funny, because sallis's dad gave me this weird tap thing on my shoulder. ahahahahaha that is pretty funny. to me. so we were saying goodbye and sallis tried to shake my hand. it was very cute. i sort of shook it a little, and then hugged him anyway. i hope he didn't mind too much. i probably invaded his space. well maybe he needs a little invasion every now and then. and i was the man for the job. *cue music*
i was not very happy that dad and dad alone was my chauffer this evening. no, no, no. we are not on good terms obviously. but when he came to get me, i was in this great mood and he was in this great mood, plus part of it was a thing about looking happy in front of sallis's family or something, i think. unconciously maybe. but anyway, i was being nice to him and he, of course, was being nice to me. so i couldn't very well just stop as soon as i realized it was happening, in the car. it made me really mad because i haven't really yelled at him, except for once, about being totally angry with him. and if i've just done this happy thing, then i'm obviously not totally angry. phh i fucked it all up. now what can i do god damn it. dad took the niceness as an opportunity to be especially talky to me and he did the touchy thing and eww. he's been kissing my head a lot the past few days and it's going to drive me insane. next time i think i'll fucking slap his face. i hate it. i hate him tricking himself into thinking that we are chums. god. i've done it again. i didn't want to end on a sour note. OH I SO DON'T HAVE TO.
brock called during the middle of the movie, "just to check up." the conversation was probably our shortest to date... about 30 seconds or something. it just made me really really really really happy. that was a highlight of the evening. obviously the other big highlight was simply the fact that i got to hang out with sallis. wow, i feel so honored. another highlight was that on the way home, brandon called to tell me about the bonfire madigan show. man. i really wish i could've been there. obviously. he was very non-braggy about it, which i really appreciated. he was nice about it, and got me something (i couldn't really tell what he said) and he's going to make me a copy of the live cd. hooray and many thanks to brandon. i love that puppy lump. when i got home, i went online and whatnot. talked to elise a little bit about this basic essay i wrote on my new interpretation of her music video "untouchable face" which can be read here in the commentaries. she did what i thought she'd do, which was forget that i was talking about the video and not her damned personal life. she was EXTREMELY non-talky. over the last couple months, we don't actually have a conversation unless she starts it. if i start it, i basically ramble and she says "haha," "yeah," and "depends on how you look at it." well that was tonight's vocabulary anyway. it's beginning to drive me nuts. HAHAH but i don't really have to deal with it, i guess so who cares. anyway. for the past few hours i have been talking to laylee. we tried to find nude blog layouts. there used to be a whole site, and we can't find it anymore. pretty sad. so we just ended up hanging out with the suicide girls. a pretty good evening, on a whole. too bad that most of the day was shit, and the entire week was shit. i mean, even the movie we watched was intensely depressing. i can't get away from sad and depress lately. well woops.
listening to: commander venus - peppermints
Saturday, November 15, 2003
cheese + turkey love mix for laylee
this is the tracklist. laylee, if you haven't listened to all of it yet, don't look!! because that was the whole reason i didn't get it to you personally. i'm serious!
1) Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Road Runner
2) The 5 6 7 8's - Woo Hoo
3) The Dead Milkmen - Laundromat Song
4) Interpol - Say Hello To Angels
5) The Raveonettes - Beat City
6) Sleater-Kinney - Off With Your Head
7) the Seconds - burning up
8) Bangs - I Want More
9) Gossip - Got Body If You Want It
10) The Frumpies - Baby Plays For Pritty
11) Libertines - I Get Along
12) Palomar - slingshot
13) Selby Tigers - Droid
14) Stereo Total - LA, CA, USA
15) Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Poodle Rockin'
16) Lunachicks - Jerk of all trades
17) Tullycraft - Pop Songs Your New Boyfriend's Too Stupid To Know About
18) James Kochalka Superstar - Monkey Vs. Robot
19) Frank Black - Headache
20) Throwing Muses - Shark
21) amazing plaid - a backpack mystery
22) The Slits - Shoplifting
23) Tracy + The Plastics - Hey Rubella
24) Peaches - Set It Off
25) Semiautomatic - Resident Genius
26) Deerhoof - Magic Star
27) Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
28) The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
29) Talking Heads - Pulled Up
i think i'm going to make a version for brock and swap out the songs i've already put on mixes for him. aha. i'm nuts. jesus.
listening to: deerhoof - magic star
1) Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Road Runner
2) The 5 6 7 8's - Woo Hoo
3) The Dead Milkmen - Laundromat Song
4) Interpol - Say Hello To Angels
5) The Raveonettes - Beat City
6) Sleater-Kinney - Off With Your Head
7) the Seconds - burning up
8) Bangs - I Want More
9) Gossip - Got Body If You Want It
10) The Frumpies - Baby Plays For Pritty
11) Libertines - I Get Along
12) Palomar - slingshot
13) Selby Tigers - Droid
14) Stereo Total - LA, CA, USA
15) Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - Poodle Rockin'
16) Lunachicks - Jerk of all trades
17) Tullycraft - Pop Songs Your New Boyfriend's Too Stupid To Know About
18) James Kochalka Superstar - Monkey Vs. Robot
19) Frank Black - Headache
20) Throwing Muses - Shark
21) amazing plaid - a backpack mystery
22) The Slits - Shoplifting
23) Tracy + The Plastics - Hey Rubella
24) Peaches - Set It Off
25) Semiautomatic - Resident Genius
26) Deerhoof - Magic Star
27) Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling
28) The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
29) Talking Heads - Pulled Up
i think i'm going to make a version for brock and swap out the songs i've already put on mixes for him. aha. i'm nuts. jesus.
listening to: deerhoof - magic star
You have BAD AIDS!!! This is the opposite of good
aids. Good aids is socially acceptable, but BAD
AIDS is only contracted through touching a
Libertine too much in the genital area.. and/or
looking at one for too long.
Which Libertines Sexually Transmitted Disease are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
i'll be brave tonight
another new blog layout. i already think this one is old. it's so ...... green. well, who knows. maybe it will grow on me. i like the image and the quote, but i'm too lazy to mess with colors and fonts myself right now.
it was a pretty good day. another one of those where the day SHOULD suck and it doesn't. this week was so bad, that today couldn't really help but be good. if it had been bad, i could've like. filed a complaint to jesus or something. i fell the fuck asleep last night trying to study. again. good god this is getting old.
we had an english test on the age of innocence, which i am proud to say, was my first sparknotes test. i only read about 100 pages of that shit. and i wanna be a kennedy, what can i say? i think i did pretty well on it. who cares, though, because an english test day means that laylee, margaret, jenny, and katherine w come to our lunch. hooray! it was so relaxing, not having to listen/talk to nisha. i guess i should feel bad for the people who DID have to talk to her, but jenny doesn't hate her or anything. jenny is nice. unlike me. i have no soul.
i also had tests in ap u.s. and latin, which didn't go very well. or maybe i was just more pessimistic at the end of the day. i don't care anymore, because god blessed me and made today friday. after school, brock came home with us. that made me really happy, because he said last night that he wanted to just go home and chill today. i mean it was nice that he wanted to take a day off and everything, but i like having company. we went to sonic of course. mmm. aaahaha. we sat around over here, and tried to find a movie to watch but our wide selection somehow seemed very selective tonight. we talked about renting something, but it seemed like a hassle to make mom drive out and get one. plus brock still wanted to be home early and everything, so there wasn't really time to do that by the time mom got up from her nap. however, unaware that brock was about to leave, she suggested we see a movie. brock called his mom and asked if she could come and get him, morgan, and me and take us to paradiso. unfortunate: brock's family had decided to do some family dessert outing thing, and they were all in the car on the way to my house when he asked. they hadn't told him about it, and he was like "oh well we don't have to go to the movie" and everything, but brock's family is brock's family therefore they were like "whatever" and took us anyway, even though they weren't very happy about it. brock does that kind of thing sometimes. to a different extent. he "whatever"s a lot of things, and endures a lot of shit he isn't happy with. it makes him really hard to read. that's okay.
we saw "love actually" which was a pretty good movie. i LOVE movies with brock, as i've said. we are so dramatic. even when i'm really really into a movie, i'm mostly internal about it, but not with brock. when something awkward or pathetic happens, brock can't look at the screen. he's so sympathetic. it's great. he usually leans over in his seat, and i rub his back. sometimes he just covers his face, depending on the trauma. during suspense, he is an arm grabber. during "matchstick men" we spent most of the movie clutching each other. simply because any kind of suspense is painful. during tender moments, i lean my head on his shoulder and it's all very nice. he also does this thing i love where he sort of strokes your elbow. aw i love that thing. is it strange that we are more physical in the theatre than anywhere else?
mom picked us up, and i got annoyed that she had brought the dogs and there was barely room in the car for all of us because she'd also taken out the back seat of the damn car. it seems like i get really easily frustrated right after a movie. i don't know why. it's just another weird fucking thing i do, i guess. ah well. wow my thumb is really flat on one side. i wonder, has it always been that way? so we took brock home. morgan and i watched i love the 80s and some music videos. actually she fell asleep. dad has been trying to talk to me and act like everything is fine. actually he's trying to be nicer than normal. i'm about to explode. i've basically just been doing the silence thing but he obviously doesn't get it. next time he pats my fucking shoulder or kisses me on the head, i am going to fucking scream. i'm going insane this way. he acts all offended when i seem upset with him, but he still hasn't actually confronted me about the issue. i was waiting for him to do it, because it's his fucking issue to begin with and because i'm obviously not talking to him unless it's necessary. oh yeah, yesterday i added my last post to letter from memphis. it was a sad moment. but i figured i should just go ahead and explain why i stopped blogging there so that people would quit asking me and i wouldn't have to say it anymore. but of course, now that i've actually written it, no one has read it and no one else has asked me. so i'm a little put out. but whatever. maybe dad will see it and leave me the fuck alone. man i didn't want to end on such a sour note. i'm having a good day, and i intend to have a good weekend. anyone up for driving me to new orleans tomorrow ho ho ho? well. anyone up for hanging out, at least? god damn.
it was a pretty good day. another one of those where the day SHOULD suck and it doesn't. this week was so bad, that today couldn't really help but be good. if it had been bad, i could've like. filed a complaint to jesus or something. i fell the fuck asleep last night trying to study. again. good god this is getting old.
we had an english test on the age of innocence, which i am proud to say, was my first sparknotes test. i only read about 100 pages of that shit. and i wanna be a kennedy, what can i say? i think i did pretty well on it. who cares, though, because an english test day means that laylee, margaret, jenny, and katherine w come to our lunch. hooray! it was so relaxing, not having to listen/talk to nisha. i guess i should feel bad for the people who DID have to talk to her, but jenny doesn't hate her or anything. jenny is nice. unlike me. i have no soul.
i also had tests in ap u.s. and latin, which didn't go very well. or maybe i was just more pessimistic at the end of the day. i don't care anymore, because god blessed me and made today friday. after school, brock came home with us. that made me really happy, because he said last night that he wanted to just go home and chill today. i mean it was nice that he wanted to take a day off and everything, but i like having company. we went to sonic of course. mmm. aaahaha. we sat around over here, and tried to find a movie to watch but our wide selection somehow seemed very selective tonight. we talked about renting something, but it seemed like a hassle to make mom drive out and get one. plus brock still wanted to be home early and everything, so there wasn't really time to do that by the time mom got up from her nap. however, unaware that brock was about to leave, she suggested we see a movie. brock called his mom and asked if she could come and get him, morgan, and me and take us to paradiso. unfortunate: brock's family had decided to do some family dessert outing thing, and they were all in the car on the way to my house when he asked. they hadn't told him about it, and he was like "oh well we don't have to go to the movie" and everything, but brock's family is brock's family therefore they were like "whatever" and took us anyway, even though they weren't very happy about it. brock does that kind of thing sometimes. to a different extent. he "whatever"s a lot of things, and endures a lot of shit he isn't happy with. it makes him really hard to read. that's okay.
we saw "love actually" which was a pretty good movie. i LOVE movies with brock, as i've said. we are so dramatic. even when i'm really really into a movie, i'm mostly internal about it, but not with brock. when something awkward or pathetic happens, brock can't look at the screen. he's so sympathetic. it's great. he usually leans over in his seat, and i rub his back. sometimes he just covers his face, depending on the trauma. during suspense, he is an arm grabber. during "matchstick men" we spent most of the movie clutching each other. simply because any kind of suspense is painful. during tender moments, i lean my head on his shoulder and it's all very nice. he also does this thing i love where he sort of strokes your elbow. aw i love that thing. is it strange that we are more physical in the theatre than anywhere else?
mom picked us up, and i got annoyed that she had brought the dogs and there was barely room in the car for all of us because she'd also taken out the back seat of the damn car. it seems like i get really easily frustrated right after a movie. i don't know why. it's just another weird fucking thing i do, i guess. ah well. wow my thumb is really flat on one side. i wonder, has it always been that way? so we took brock home. morgan and i watched i love the 80s and some music videos. actually she fell asleep. dad has been trying to talk to me and act like everything is fine. actually he's trying to be nicer than normal. i'm about to explode. i've basically just been doing the silence thing but he obviously doesn't get it. next time he pats my fucking shoulder or kisses me on the head, i am going to fucking scream. i'm going insane this way. he acts all offended when i seem upset with him, but he still hasn't actually confronted me about the issue. i was waiting for him to do it, because it's his fucking issue to begin with and because i'm obviously not talking to him unless it's necessary. oh yeah, yesterday i added my last post to letter from memphis. it was a sad moment. but i figured i should just go ahead and explain why i stopped blogging there so that people would quit asking me and i wouldn't have to say it anymore. but of course, now that i've actually written it, no one has read it and no one else has asked me. so i'm a little put out. but whatever. maybe dad will see it and leave me the fuck alone. man i didn't want to end on such a sour note. i'm having a good day, and i intend to have a good weekend. anyone up for driving me to new orleans tomorrow ho ho ho? well. anyone up for hanging out, at least? god damn.
listening to: kill hannah - ten more minutes with you
Thursday, November 13, 2003
so i just talked to becca and things are better. it's funny that i knew they would fix really easily and i didn't just go ahead and let it happen. oh well. i think a lot of shit just made me more mad about the show than i otherwise would've been and just being mad at becca was an easy target for my anger. hopefully i will feel a little lifted now that we've talked a little and everything. let's hope...
actually right now i'm more upset with myself for missing the fucking show (because it was my fault) and for being so stupid, bitchy, and depressed. well fuck.
Life's A Show...
Which Buffy Musical Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha
actually right now i'm more upset with myself for missing the fucking show (because it was my fault) and for being so stupid, bitchy, and depressed. well fuck.
listening to: digger - try and catch me
Life's A Show...
Which Buffy Musical Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha
today was terrible. last night i cried myself to sleep. i've never done that before. i couldn't stop. it was just everything and that was too much. at one point i decided to call someone, but when i picked up the phone i couldn't think of who. no one wants a late-night tear-stained phone call from sinfully depressed alanna. i don't know what's wrong with me this week. it's getting really bad, and i don't know what to do.
i wish i could've just avoided everyone at school today. for the most part i did a pretty good job of acting fine. i didn't see becca after 2nd period, which i usually do, so she might've thought i was avoiding her. actually, after 6th period i conciously did avoid her. it was too late in the day for me to deal with things. i feel awful for being such a slut to her yesterday. well actually she's just gotten online so i'm going to try to talk. let's see.
listening to: the gits - guilt within your head
i wish i could've just avoided everyone at school today. for the most part i did a pretty good job of acting fine. i didn't see becca after 2nd period, which i usually do, so she might've thought i was avoiding her. actually, after 6th period i conciously did avoid her. it was too late in the day for me to deal with things. i feel awful for being such a slut to her yesterday. well actually she's just gotten online so i'm going to try to talk. let's see.
listening to: the gits - guilt within your head
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
now that i think about it, i don't know what to think about this becca email. i shouldn't be mad at her or anything, and the reasons she gives are perfectly understandable. like the reason she couldn't come to the play on friday was because brock was out with other people and so she couldn't get a ride with him... but he said she never called, and i don't know how she could've known that without calling him first. and the reason i didn't get to come to bonfire madigan was because i didn't go to school on tuesday. in that case it's entirely my fault, but i'd thought the whole thing was off by then. if i had known, i would've come, but i wasn't told over the weekend that they were still planning to go... when i talked to laylee on monday night, she said they were going to go, but since i hadn't been informed i wasn't going to butt in.
god. i don't know what to think anymore. i think i would just be perfectly accepting of becca clearing things up if not for all this other stupid mess in my life right now. and the weirdo halloween event gave me a different outlook on how to interpret people talking. or something. i don't know.
at any rate, she ends the email saying she's worried about me. i don't know if that means she's worried that i am mad at her, or that i am just not doing well in general. i am worried about me too. what is going on.
listening to: bonfire madigan - vigil
god. i don't know what to think anymore. i think i would just be perfectly accepting of becca clearing things up if not for all this other stupid mess in my life right now. and the weirdo halloween event gave me a different outlook on how to interpret people talking. or something. i don't know.
at any rate, she ends the email saying she's worried about me. i don't know if that means she's worried that i am mad at her, or that i am just not doing well in general. i am worried about me too. what is going on.
listening to: bonfire madigan - vigil
my throat is really tight like i'm going to cry. i'm not.
becca and william drove to nashville after school and saw bonfire madigan. they were practically the only people there. i'm really really really upset that i didn't get to go. it's ruining my week. that and the fact that dad has apparently been reading my blog. i have no idea for how long or anything. how fucking creepy is that? hence the deletion. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i've talked about it too much today to say anything more.
i mentioned before that the therapist had suggested i do compulsive stuff. today i was taking one of my signature long-ass showers, and i got really sad so i lay down for a really long time. then i found a penny on the side of the tub and spent about half an hour scraping from between the tiles in the shower. it was really weird. i didn't really think about it at first, and then i was like "what am i doing?" but i didn't stop. i couldn't exactly stop. it was very strange, and i'm afraid of myself. i got to talk to brock on the phone for a long time. also, sallis called because he was worried about me. it was the best thing that's happened to me in days. brandon also called, to brag that he gets to see bmad AND rx bandits this weekend. god damn.
i would say more but it's too painful right now and i'm depressed and i have lots of work to do and i can't stop listening to madigan. i think i'll die.
listening to: tattle tale - fly away
"i wish i could cry, but the tears don't come out of my eyes. will you hold my hand? will you hold my hand? and don't let go..."
becca and william drove to nashville after school and saw bonfire madigan. they were practically the only people there. i'm really really really upset that i didn't get to go. it's ruining my week. that and the fact that dad has apparently been reading my blog. i have no idea for how long or anything. how fucking creepy is that? hence the deletion. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i've talked about it too much today to say anything more.
i mentioned before that the therapist had suggested i do compulsive stuff. today i was taking one of my signature long-ass showers, and i got really sad so i lay down for a really long time. then i found a penny on the side of the tub and spent about half an hour scraping from between the tiles in the shower. it was really weird. i didn't really think about it at first, and then i was like "what am i doing?" but i didn't stop. i couldn't exactly stop. it was very strange, and i'm afraid of myself. i got to talk to brock on the phone for a long time. also, sallis called because he was worried about me. it was the best thing that's happened to me in days. brandon also called, to brag that he gets to see bmad AND rx bandits this weekend. god damn.
i would say more but it's too painful right now and i'm depressed and i have lots of work to do and i can't stop listening to madigan. i think i'll die.
listening to: tattle tale - fly away
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
alack, sick day. i am pissed off that i stayed up slightly late finishing homework and then didn't go to school anyway. i was going to email my assignment to wexler but i don't have her address with me... go figure. oh well. it was an okay day. i still didn't get much done. poo. if anyone could tell me what we did in school, it would be much appreciated.
yesterday was a day off from school for teacher inservice or something. i don't really care what for. i don't like it that they gave us another day off so soon after the last one, because i know there's that huge stretch of no time off later this year. morgan woke me up at 1pm, but i was so cranky and she was so cold that i pushed her out of my bed. she was very upset, but she forgave me eventually. at 5 we went to see "pieces of april" which was a nice movie. my favorite part was that it was a really really low-budget digital indie movie. their company thing was called indigent (independent digital entertainment) which i thought was really clever/amusing. i was very impressed with katie holmes. she looked sooo different. in a good way. we got home and i realized i had missed my therapy appointment. i am kind of glad. last week was very bad. mom sat in the whole time, and that made me more dependent on her for answers and everything. i said "i don't know" repeatedly because i didn't want her to say i was wrong/stupid, i guess. i am still trying to figure out why i do that. and the lady said some things that really weirded me out, that i show a mixture of anxiety and compulsive tendencies. it's so weird seeing myself this way. i was never a person who looked at myself as having problems like this. just that i was about as fucked up as the average person, not with issues like these. anyway i rescheduled my appointment for next monday. i will be proud to tell her that i did indeed speak in the stupid history class discussion on friday. even if i sounded completely ret@rd*d. oh well. things are okay right now.
yesterday was a day off from school for teacher inservice or something. i don't really care what for. i don't like it that they gave us another day off so soon after the last one, because i know there's that huge stretch of no time off later this year. morgan woke me up at 1pm, but i was so cranky and she was so cold that i pushed her out of my bed. she was very upset, but she forgave me eventually. at 5 we went to see "pieces of april" which was a nice movie. my favorite part was that it was a really really low-budget digital indie movie. their company thing was called indigent (independent digital entertainment) which i thought was really clever/amusing. i was very impressed with katie holmes. she looked sooo different. in a good way. we got home and i realized i had missed my therapy appointment. i am kind of glad. last week was very bad. mom sat in the whole time, and that made me more dependent on her for answers and everything. i said "i don't know" repeatedly because i didn't want her to say i was wrong/stupid, i guess. i am still trying to figure out why i do that. and the lady said some things that really weirded me out, that i show a mixture of anxiety and compulsive tendencies. it's so weird seeing myself this way. i was never a person who looked at myself as having problems like this. just that i was about as fucked up as the average person, not with issues like these. anyway i rescheduled my appointment for next monday. i will be proud to tell her that i did indeed speak in the stupid history class discussion on friday. even if i sounded completely ret@rd*d. oh well. things are okay right now.
Monday, November 10, 2003
this weekend (so far, although it's basically over for me. unless we see 'pieces of april' tomorrow, which mom thinks was filmed in my aunt's apartment building on the lower east side of new york) has been pretty damn good. well, except for my nothingness on friday. i had an orthodontist appointment so i couldn't hang out with kids after school. and anyway katherine and i had made editting plans, so it was all good. we ended up only getting to do it for a short time, as i mentioned before, because she had to go to the football game for band. then i sat around for hours and sulked. i went to the play because becca had said she was available to go that night. i got the impression that was really going to try and get there, so even though i had planned to go on sunday, rather than friday, i went so that she woudln't be alone. however she completely forgot about it, but that's cool. brock left that huge group of kids to come be with theatre, which was very nice of him. i guess it was less "nice" than just "i am brock and i can't stand to be in one situation for too long." i don't know that he even had a necessarily very good time. ah well, such is the life of a free mason. daniel from open-mic also showed up at the play, but he really didn't like it. i personally thought it was really great, very moving and emotional, and portrayed beautifully. it was INCREDIBLY short, which sucked, because i could really see how much greater it would have been if the auditions had had better turn out... it was just great. i'm sorry i didn't film it, because i know that i (and a lot of other OOV people) will regret that in the future. it was just amazing. even with the shortness, the point is done so well that it ends up not really mattering. huge kudos to all the actors, because you were fucking awesome. i pity all of you who didn't go see it. shame, shame, shame. please read the review and feel even worse about not going. because shit.
after the play, the three of us, plus morgan, eileen, and sara went to pizza cafe for a while. afterwards, brock was only here for like 10 seconds before his mom came. we were really tired. the day was okay, but not spectacular.
saturday, katherine came over and editted from 12 to 2 or something. it was okay, we didn't get too much done, and we got really tired of editting. hopefully we'll have time to do some tomorrow and maybe even finish the damned dance break. jesus!
laylee had nothing to do on saturday, and really wanted to see me. it was sad because of all days when i actually have fucking PLANS she is bored and lonely. it's always so opposite. but i spent a lot of time on the phone or online with her in between the time when katherine left and when zoe picked me and morgan up at 4:30 for her birthday party. we ate mexican with kimberly, zak, eric, katy, miranda, and zoe's mom. it was nice. then we (minus kimberly) hung out at square foods, and saw good time speech before going back to zoe's house (minus zak) for the most beautiful cake i've ever eaten featuring chocolate ice cream, vanilla cake, whipped cream, and reese's pieces bits strewn all over. ohh jesus melt. then we just hung out in zoe's room for a bit. eric went home, i nearly fell asleep on the floor. then we watched "hedwig and the angry inch." HOORAY HOORAY. i love that movie. i don't know that katy and miranda liked it... ah well. then zoe and i slept in her bed, while morgan, miranda, and katy slept in the den. zoe and i stayed up talking long into the night. it was nice, and all in all the night was not as awkward as i was anticipating. i missed a call from brandon, because i accidentally left my phone on silent after the play. i'm sorry, puppy lump. i would've liked to talk to you. it would've been nice if you had called tonight, too, while i was at laylee's beatles party. ohhh. it was so nice.
i really need to start eating better. or at least eating regularly. this morning, zoe's mom fed us so much damn food. i had 2 waffles, scrambled eggs, and a piece of that delicious cake for breakfast. it was more than i've eaten in like 3 months. so much that i basically didn't get hungry for the rest of the day. at all. my food pattern is getting really sad. it's at the point where my body is so USED to not eating, that when i finally do put something in it, it goes "HOLY SHIT! FOOD?! GIVE ME LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS MORE!" which i don't want to do. so since eating only makes me hungry, and i just avoid it more. one of these days i'm going to collapse and have no idea why. aha. after dad picked us up from zoe's, (we were the last ones to leave) i went home briefly. mom wanted me to research 4 colleges before i did anything else, so i did that and started to burn a cd for laylee. then mom was like "WE HAVE TO GO. NOW" and the cd was 10 seconds from being done, but she was really upset with me and there was no WAY we cold wait without her freaking out. it was really depressing. i was so excited too. so she took mixless me to laylee's house where she looked so fucking hot in her pajamas, and we cuddled on the bed, and listened to rasputina, and had a lovely time just sitting around being alanna and laylee. it was perfect. then laylee craved turkey wraps, so her mom took us to kroger to get the ingredients. while we were there, daniell called and said that at yogurt, she had invited brock to the beatles party they had planned for tonight. and while she was telling him, elizabeth overheard, so they invited her. she, in turn, asked if she could bring 5 other people. so laylee was like "waheoieig" plus everyone now had the impression that it was happening at laylee's house, which was not supposed to be happening in the first place. so we were rather put out. but it all worked out okay. we went home and ate our wraps, which weren't as good as laylee was anticipating. aww. i wasn't even hungry anyway HAHA. then arman came home from his job at the children's museum, and offered to help us with the party. it was really cute. he was doing that voice that laylee and becca also use. gwahahah cute. we ended up spending most of hte evening in prepartion. the guests arrived in a little trickle all night, and becca was the first to arrive, though not. in a very. good mood. somewhat like our friend the DwarfStar. then daniell came, and arman helped all of us make nametags on yellow construction paper with submarines on them. the nametag idea was a joke, because we were saying that if elizabeth brought 5 kids that none of us knew, we should have nametags to help remember who was who and everything... though in the end, i told brock on the phone that laylee really didn't want them to come, so it didn't happen. but we still wore the nametags, and i loved it. mine is very tiny. like me. i'm still wearing it and i like it. we (laylee) also made pins of the 5 main characters from the yellow submarine cartoon. they're pefect. i got ringo, which i was sad about at first, because george is my favorite and all, but after we watched "help" i didn't mind at all. because he's damned great in that movie. kevin was the captain of the submarine, rather than a beatle. because he's bearded and pink-ish. ahahahah. also arman bought us cookie dough and we made one big cookie out of it, to be a cake, and becca and daniell drew a big submarine on it with yellow icing, and wrote the beatles' names on it and covered it with lovely sprinkles, one big fat candle, and a star wars robot. it was damned beautiful and i'm sad we took no pictures. balloons were thrown, candles were blown, songs were sung, prayers were said. it was a beautiful evening. arman also made us drinks which he named "yellow submarines" which were lemonade and vodka. not incredibly pleasant, but it was supposed to make the party more fun aha. i had about half of mine, and kevin had the rest (entirely unaware that it wasn't just lemonade). partway through, "help" william arrived, and about halfway through becca and i spilled milk all over the place. as laylee and i ran around trying to clean it up, and start making popcorn at the same time, brock arrived. he let me hug him to death, which made me really happy because he's not been letting me. or maybe it's a public thing. or something. i don't know, but he did and i listened to his pretty heart. when we started the movie again, william and becca left to talk in laylee's room, and brock and i had great fun static-ing pink balloons to our heads. nobody would sing the songs with me. it was sad. and i kept trying to teach brock which beatle was which, and tell him that he needed to get a favorite before the night was over... i don't think it worked. now that i think about it, his presense at the party is really hysterical. he doesn't even like the beatles. i mean, he doesn't dislike them either but he wasn't raised on them like a lot of people (me, laylee, becca, daniell, kevin, and i will throw in william too for the hell of it). it's really depressing when you think about it. i remember my dad telling me their names on the cover of the "tv this week" when the anthologies were first airing. it was that picture of them on the beach in their red and white striped bathing suits. and i couldn't tell those shits apart. partly because of the damned grain of the newspaper photo, but still. and my first real beatles song was "taxman." i mean everybody hears "yellow submarine" on the radio and whatever, but the first one that i HEARD, that was played in the car, and i asked "who is this?" was "taxman." a george song of course. he's my favorite beatle. oh jesus i melted over him tonight. oh jesus i did. he's so damned beautiful constantly. he said some line about somebody's tongue "leaving it out like that, all pink and naked." AGHWHAHAOIEHAHI. jesus. i love the whole vibe of beatles films. they just make me so happy. because it's great to think that they really acted like that in real life. you could totally believe it. not to the extent that they all lived in the same house with four separate, differently-colored doors for each of them, but just the atmosphere of everything. i want so badly to believe that it was real, even if it was just during one album's era. and i hate the fucking monkees for trying to achieve that, and not coming anywhere close. stupid motherfuckers with no musical talent and pure money minds. i hate you forever. shut the fuck up with your fucking porpoise song.
after "help" we put on "hard day's night" because daniell and becca (who did come back in) had never seen it. i had suggested we watch that one first, because you can only really see the humor when you're watching closely and paying a lot of attention to the little dialogues and everything, unless you're just going to talk over the movie and dance during the songs... which is what we ended up doing. that was fine, but it would've been better to watch help like that, because you can be talking and still look up during a random scene and find some of it funny. even the delivery of "hard day's night" is colder and everything. there were some absolutely hysterical shots and sucessions of transitions in "help" that i hadn't really noticed before. ahah oh god i'm so film this is sick. i'm shutting up. the point is it was a really really great night. eventually, laylee and kevin were like "this night is done, we want to be alone." (though he hugged us both, kevin kissed me but not brock. MWAHAHA. i'm so god.) so brock and i walked to his house. on the way we sat back to back on a tire swing. my feet couldn't touch the ground, so brock did all the real swinging. i felt bad about that, but. sorry i'm a freeloader, brock. then he got dizzy so we just swung on the regular swings instead. it was nice. i think the skirt i wrote today is my swinging skirt, because i am always swinging and singing in it. very nice. luckily this evening, i didn't demonstrate it's horrifying flippage power to brock, where it does that billow and then flies practically over my head. ahahahaha. only laylee has seen that shit. anyway it was just nice and we talked a while. then he was worried that his mom would be anxious about us getting home, so we kept walking. i have never walked from brock's to laylee's, so i didn't know how long it would take and i was afraid we wouldn't have enough time to talk. i walk slowly anyway, because i hate time and i want to be leisurely or whatever the fuck. he strides. partly because he's so much bigger than me that his legs just move faster, but whatever. we had a nice conversation about our weekends and about why i hate it when people don't defend their opinion. he generally doesn't do that, so obviously even though he didn't agree with my speech he wasn't going to say anything about it. how sick and sad is that? it's depressing to think about. but it was a nice walk. my thighs got really fucking cold. the best part is that i had my bra in my coat pocket and it was sticking out everywhere. actually even better is that before i put it away, i had been carrying it and i accidentally waved it to brock's mom as she drove away. HAHAHAHAHAHA. she did indeed drive me home, and i felt guilty about doing that to her, but i thanked her and everything so hopefully she won't hate me even more than i know she already does. i hadn't thought to bring my house key because i didn't think i was going to be out late or anything, and i forgot that since dad has work tomorrow, he wouldn't be awake when i got home. therefore i had to crawl into my bedroom window again (this should be a weekly habit, because it's too much fun) and i'm sure that also made brock's mom uncomfortable. i didn't explain it to her. i didn't think to. oh well. as soon as i fell onto my bed, my phone rang and brock asked if i had gotten in okay. it was very sweet of him to check, because most people just drive off. but, as i've said, the lock on my window is broken so it wasn't like there was no way in or anything. hahaa jesus. i still have laylee's wallet in my purse. i called to tell her and we got to talk for a little, while kevin linuxed. i love to talk to laylee. oh god it's good. she is entirely honest and beautiful to me and no one is as good as laylee. except maybe george harrison. but i told her i was going to go to bed because i was so tired. instead i came in here and wrote this hour-long post for her. so she better be fucking happy.
listening to: the beatles - the long and winding road
after the play, the three of us, plus morgan, eileen, and sara went to pizza cafe for a while. afterwards, brock was only here for like 10 seconds before his mom came. we were really tired. the day was okay, but not spectacular.
saturday, katherine came over and editted from 12 to 2 or something. it was okay, we didn't get too much done, and we got really tired of editting. hopefully we'll have time to do some tomorrow and maybe even finish the damned dance break. jesus!
laylee had nothing to do on saturday, and really wanted to see me. it was sad because of all days when i actually have fucking PLANS she is bored and lonely. it's always so opposite. but i spent a lot of time on the phone or online with her in between the time when katherine left and when zoe picked me and morgan up at 4:30 for her birthday party. we ate mexican with kimberly, zak, eric, katy, miranda, and zoe's mom. it was nice. then we (minus kimberly) hung out at square foods, and saw good time speech before going back to zoe's house (minus zak) for the most beautiful cake i've ever eaten featuring chocolate ice cream, vanilla cake, whipped cream, and reese's pieces bits strewn all over. ohh jesus melt. then we just hung out in zoe's room for a bit. eric went home, i nearly fell asleep on the floor. then we watched "hedwig and the angry inch." HOORAY HOORAY. i love that movie. i don't know that katy and miranda liked it... ah well. then zoe and i slept in her bed, while morgan, miranda, and katy slept in the den. zoe and i stayed up talking long into the night. it was nice, and all in all the night was not as awkward as i was anticipating. i missed a call from brandon, because i accidentally left my phone on silent after the play. i'm sorry, puppy lump. i would've liked to talk to you. it would've been nice if you had called tonight, too, while i was at laylee's beatles party. ohhh. it was so nice.
i really need to start eating better. or at least eating regularly. this morning, zoe's mom fed us so much damn food. i had 2 waffles, scrambled eggs, and a piece of that delicious cake for breakfast. it was more than i've eaten in like 3 months. so much that i basically didn't get hungry for the rest of the day. at all. my food pattern is getting really sad. it's at the point where my body is so USED to not eating, that when i finally do put something in it, it goes "HOLY SHIT! FOOD?! GIVE ME LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS MORE!" which i don't want to do. so since eating only makes me hungry, and i just avoid it more. one of these days i'm going to collapse and have no idea why. aha. after dad picked us up from zoe's, (we were the last ones to leave) i went home briefly. mom wanted me to research 4 colleges before i did anything else, so i did that and started to burn a cd for laylee. then mom was like "WE HAVE TO GO. NOW" and the cd was 10 seconds from being done, but she was really upset with me and there was no WAY we cold wait without her freaking out. it was really depressing. i was so excited too. so she took mixless me to laylee's house where she looked so fucking hot in her pajamas, and we cuddled on the bed, and listened to rasputina, and had a lovely time just sitting around being alanna and laylee. it was perfect. then laylee craved turkey wraps, so her mom took us to kroger to get the ingredients. while we were there, daniell called and said that at yogurt, she had invited brock to the beatles party they had planned for tonight. and while she was telling him, elizabeth overheard, so they invited her. she, in turn, asked if she could bring 5 other people. so laylee was like "waheoieig" plus everyone now had the impression that it was happening at laylee's house, which was not supposed to be happening in the first place. so we were rather put out. but it all worked out okay. we went home and ate our wraps, which weren't as good as laylee was anticipating. aww. i wasn't even hungry anyway HAHA. then arman came home from his job at the children's museum, and offered to help us with the party. it was really cute. he was doing that voice that laylee and becca also use. gwahahah cute. we ended up spending most of hte evening in prepartion. the guests arrived in a little trickle all night, and becca was the first to arrive, though not. in a very. good mood. somewhat like our friend the DwarfStar. then daniell came, and arman helped all of us make nametags on yellow construction paper with submarines on them. the nametag idea was a joke, because we were saying that if elizabeth brought 5 kids that none of us knew, we should have nametags to help remember who was who and everything... though in the end, i told brock on the phone that laylee really didn't want them to come, so it didn't happen. but we still wore the nametags, and i loved it. mine is very tiny. like me. i'm still wearing it and i like it. we (laylee) also made pins of the 5 main characters from the yellow submarine cartoon. they're pefect. i got ringo, which i was sad about at first, because george is my favorite and all, but after we watched "help" i didn't mind at all. because he's damned great in that movie. kevin was the captain of the submarine, rather than a beatle. because he's bearded and pink-ish. ahahahah. also arman bought us cookie dough and we made one big cookie out of it, to be a cake, and becca and daniell drew a big submarine on it with yellow icing, and wrote the beatles' names on it and covered it with lovely sprinkles, one big fat candle, and a star wars robot. it was damned beautiful and i'm sad we took no pictures. balloons were thrown, candles were blown, songs were sung, prayers were said. it was a beautiful evening. arman also made us drinks which he named "yellow submarines" which were lemonade and vodka. not incredibly pleasant, but it was supposed to make the party more fun aha. i had about half of mine, and kevin had the rest (entirely unaware that it wasn't just lemonade). partway through, "help" william arrived, and about halfway through becca and i spilled milk all over the place. as laylee and i ran around trying to clean it up, and start making popcorn at the same time, brock arrived. he let me hug him to death, which made me really happy because he's not been letting me. or maybe it's a public thing. or something. i don't know, but he did and i listened to his pretty heart. when we started the movie again, william and becca left to talk in laylee's room, and brock and i had great fun static-ing pink balloons to our heads. nobody would sing the songs with me. it was sad. and i kept trying to teach brock which beatle was which, and tell him that he needed to get a favorite before the night was over... i don't think it worked. now that i think about it, his presense at the party is really hysterical. he doesn't even like the beatles. i mean, he doesn't dislike them either but he wasn't raised on them like a lot of people (me, laylee, becca, daniell, kevin, and i will throw in william too for the hell of it). it's really depressing when you think about it. i remember my dad telling me their names on the cover of the "tv this week" when the anthologies were first airing. it was that picture of them on the beach in their red and white striped bathing suits. and i couldn't tell those shits apart. partly because of the damned grain of the newspaper photo, but still. and my first real beatles song was "taxman." i mean everybody hears "yellow submarine" on the radio and whatever, but the first one that i HEARD, that was played in the car, and i asked "who is this?" was "taxman." a george song of course. he's my favorite beatle. oh jesus i melted over him tonight. oh jesus i did. he's so damned beautiful constantly. he said some line about somebody's tongue "leaving it out like that, all pink and naked." AGHWHAHAOIEHAHI. jesus. i love the whole vibe of beatles films. they just make me so happy. because it's great to think that they really acted like that in real life. you could totally believe it. not to the extent that they all lived in the same house with four separate, differently-colored doors for each of them, but just the atmosphere of everything. i want so badly to believe that it was real, even if it was just during one album's era. and i hate the fucking monkees for trying to achieve that, and not coming anywhere close. stupid motherfuckers with no musical talent and pure money minds. i hate you forever. shut the fuck up with your fucking porpoise song.
after "help" we put on "hard day's night" because daniell and becca (who did come back in) had never seen it. i had suggested we watch that one first, because you can only really see the humor when you're watching closely and paying a lot of attention to the little dialogues and everything, unless you're just going to talk over the movie and dance during the songs... which is what we ended up doing. that was fine, but it would've been better to watch help like that, because you can be talking and still look up during a random scene and find some of it funny. even the delivery of "hard day's night" is colder and everything. there were some absolutely hysterical shots and sucessions of transitions in "help" that i hadn't really noticed before. ahah oh god i'm so film this is sick. i'm shutting up. the point is it was a really really great night. eventually, laylee and kevin were like "this night is done, we want to be alone." (though he hugged us both, kevin kissed me but not brock. MWAHAHA. i'm so god.) so brock and i walked to his house. on the way we sat back to back on a tire swing. my feet couldn't touch the ground, so brock did all the real swinging. i felt bad about that, but. sorry i'm a freeloader, brock. then he got dizzy so we just swung on the regular swings instead. it was nice. i think the skirt i wrote today is my swinging skirt, because i am always swinging and singing in it. very nice. luckily this evening, i didn't demonstrate it's horrifying flippage power to brock, where it does that billow and then flies practically over my head. ahahahaha. only laylee has seen that shit. anyway it was just nice and we talked a while. then he was worried that his mom would be anxious about us getting home, so we kept walking. i have never walked from brock's to laylee's, so i didn't know how long it would take and i was afraid we wouldn't have enough time to talk. i walk slowly anyway, because i hate time and i want to be leisurely or whatever the fuck. he strides. partly because he's so much bigger than me that his legs just move faster, but whatever. we had a nice conversation about our weekends and about why i hate it when people don't defend their opinion. he generally doesn't do that, so obviously even though he didn't agree with my speech he wasn't going to say anything about it. how sick and sad is that? it's depressing to think about. but it was a nice walk. my thighs got really fucking cold. the best part is that i had my bra in my coat pocket and it was sticking out everywhere. actually even better is that before i put it away, i had been carrying it and i accidentally waved it to brock's mom as she drove away. HAHAHAHAHAHA. she did indeed drive me home, and i felt guilty about doing that to her, but i thanked her and everything so hopefully she won't hate me even more than i know she already does. i hadn't thought to bring my house key because i didn't think i was going to be out late or anything, and i forgot that since dad has work tomorrow, he wouldn't be awake when i got home. therefore i had to crawl into my bedroom window again (this should be a weekly habit, because it's too much fun) and i'm sure that also made brock's mom uncomfortable. i didn't explain it to her. i didn't think to. oh well. as soon as i fell onto my bed, my phone rang and brock asked if i had gotten in okay. it was very sweet of him to check, because most people just drive off. but, as i've said, the lock on my window is broken so it wasn't like there was no way in or anything. hahaa jesus. i still have laylee's wallet in my purse. i called to tell her and we got to talk for a little, while kevin linuxed. i love to talk to laylee. oh god it's good. she is entirely honest and beautiful to me and no one is as good as laylee. except maybe george harrison. but i told her i was going to go to bed because i was so tired. instead i came in here and wrote this hour-long post for her. so she better be fucking happy.
listening to: the beatles - the long and winding road
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