Saturday, November 01, 2003
today, while not incredibly packed full of KOOKY halloween fun, was still a very good holiday day. i had a lot of chocolates. they were all mine. well, except for the kitkat and reese's on my windowsill (thankyou thankyou, loverboo). school was actually a pretty fast day. i don't really need to elaborate on that fact. afterwards, we took brock to his house for a change of clothes before coming back home. we had made plans to watch "rocky horror" and hang out with becca, kevin, and laylee. after sitting around here and at sonic for a bit, we called each of them, and both said they'd call when we had real plans. so brock and i just walked around the neighborhood for a while. we ended up on union, and nearly walked to cooper-young, but it was almost dark, so i'm glad we didn't. plus we would've been stuck with no bags for trick-or-treating, and that is sad. we also almost sang for candy, in place of costumes. brock and i do this thing where if one of us has an idea, the other one gets really enthusiastic, and the first one backs down, so it doesn't happen. this is a frequent occurence in the stunning lives on alanna and brock. believe you me. so we just walked back home, and looked for costumes, mostly to no avail. i got stuck briefly in belle's (6-year-old) ballgown from disney's beauty and the beast. it was pretty terrific. i couldn't breathe. brock put on a hat, which became loaded down with lots of items such as shawls, skirts, other hats, wings. i didn't find anything. so we sat around some more and handed out candy. our first batch thought we were a 30-year-old, married couple. it was super hot. we told them we were only 20.
eventually, i called becca again and she was very upset. apparently laylee and kevin had just decided to skip out on our evening's plans, for no reason becca could find. it was very weird. i also called laylee and kevin, but i couldn't get them to tell me what was up. i still don't know. at any rate, it was a very weird phone cal, and i hope they had a good evening, whatever they were doing. when becca and daniell (almost randomly) showed up, we still hadn't found anything good. so i threw on basically whatever i was handed: a tan trenchcoat, captain underpants shirt, strange red and black pants, broken sunglasses, and snakeskin platforms. brock's monument sort of collapsed, so he just wore the basic hat. in a way, i was a crackhead and he was the ghost of a parisian hat model. it turned out rather nicely. becca had on very cool eye makeup, an adorable hat, a skirt as a strapless dress, and fishnet stockings on her arm. we just went out for dinner at glass onion, which was becca's suggestion. she had been there a few months ago, and they've changed the menu since: it's more expensive, and not as good? i think we waited for the food much longer than we actually ate it. brock basically picked and ordered my food. jesus i'm pathetic. it was nice and all, but didn't feel like festive at all. brock described it later as being very adult, which NOBODY is on halloween. it was really cool getting to hang out with becca and daniell, but it also felt very serious and whatnot, probably in part because becca was upset about the laylee and kevin thing. and this very strange breed of people-watching/commenting. i don't know what to think about all that. HOWEVER brock pushed me around in a shopping cart. and that was not very adult. we were just going to leave it where we parked the car, but these creepy women on their porch were like "take that back to the other carts. don't leave it in my front yard. take it back to your own front yard. take it back to where you found it." if i had been the one pushing the cart, i probably would've been pissed off and REALLY put it in her damn yard. but brock is a sweet boy. so he wheeled it far away. wow.
we (except for brock) had made plans to see a special showing of "beetlejuice" at midnight. brock's mom wouldn't let him go, though. it's too bad. by now it was around 9:15, and i don't really understand why, but daniell had to take me and brock back to my house, and she and becca went back to her house. we mostly ... sat around. shortly after we got home, mom came home from the opening night of good time speech. hallelujah, glory be. at some point, brandon called. it was sort of weird because he called on the cell, so brock couldn't get on the phone too, and i couldn't talk to them at the same time. the conversation would've been much better if i hadn't been worried about brock being bored out of his mind. actually at one point tonight, while we were waiting for brock's mom to come pick him up, i mentioned something about not wanting him to be bored and all this, and i was fiddling with the kitkat wrapper. when i finally looked up at him, he was making this "OH NO YOU DI'INT!" face. it was great. and we had a quasi-conversation about it. his first reaction was "what else would i be doing?!" which wasn't all that comforting. but then he was like "i don't get bored! do you get bored?!" and i was like "no!" but the thing i REALLY liked that he said was that he couldn't sit around and do basically nothing with anyone else. and if he was out somewhere doing, he'd most likely be feeling left out of the conversation or be worried about something. and that was really nice. i don't know why.
goddess cat jumped out of the window while brock and i were windowsillin it. actually she was just sitting on it until we came back into my room, and brock stood on the bed, and she freaked out and ran off into the night. i was really nervous, because of the things people to do black cats on halloween. i shimmied through the window and peckled around through the underbrush but to no avail. i looked by the back door. nothing. no kittie. i decided not to worry about it because she always comes back always, even if it's been weeks. as soon as brock left, i walked back into my room and she bounded onto the bed. what a supercat. truly a goddess.
then i sort of took a short breath before becca, daniell, and william showed up for "beetlejuice." i like william SO much more than i used to, it isn't even funny. he really is a good kid. i wish i had more to say to daniell, we are very quiet around each other. it was really great getting to watch that movie at midnight on halloween with costumes and lovelies. nice nice. i wish laylee and kevin had come though. afterwards, we just basically drove around for half an hour or something, which was great. i always like when nights just piddle to a close instead of "SHIT IS DONE, BYE NOW!" also, william says "oh my shit" a lot, which is something elise says that i hate. i'm guessing she got it from him. i knew she got it from somewhere, i just never knew where. it was also really strange when william said "oh, that's happy." i was like aha nuts. we nearly drove to st. louis so that we could have bagels for breakfast. but we ran out of gas.
eventually, i called becca again and she was very upset. apparently laylee and kevin had just decided to skip out on our evening's plans, for no reason becca could find. it was very weird. i also called laylee and kevin, but i couldn't get them to tell me what was up. i still don't know. at any rate, it was a very weird phone cal, and i hope they had a good evening, whatever they were doing. when becca and daniell (almost randomly) showed up, we still hadn't found anything good. so i threw on basically whatever i was handed: a tan trenchcoat, captain underpants shirt, strange red and black pants, broken sunglasses, and snakeskin platforms. brock's monument sort of collapsed, so he just wore the basic hat. in a way, i was a crackhead and he was the ghost of a parisian hat model. it turned out rather nicely. becca had on very cool eye makeup, an adorable hat, a skirt as a strapless dress, and fishnet stockings on her arm. we just went out for dinner at glass onion, which was becca's suggestion. she had been there a few months ago, and they've changed the menu since: it's more expensive, and not as good? i think we waited for the food much longer than we actually ate it. brock basically picked and ordered my food. jesus i'm pathetic. it was nice and all, but didn't feel like festive at all. brock described it later as being very adult, which NOBODY is on halloween. it was really cool getting to hang out with becca and daniell, but it also felt very serious and whatnot, probably in part because becca was upset about the laylee and kevin thing. and this very strange breed of people-watching/commenting. i don't know what to think about all that. HOWEVER brock pushed me around in a shopping cart. and that was not very adult. we were just going to leave it where we parked the car, but these creepy women on their porch were like "take that back to the other carts. don't leave it in my front yard. take it back to your own front yard. take it back to where you found it." if i had been the one pushing the cart, i probably would've been pissed off and REALLY put it in her damn yard. but brock is a sweet boy. so he wheeled it far away. wow.
we (except for brock) had made plans to see a special showing of "beetlejuice" at midnight. brock's mom wouldn't let him go, though. it's too bad. by now it was around 9:15, and i don't really understand why, but daniell had to take me and brock back to my house, and she and becca went back to her house. we mostly ... sat around. shortly after we got home, mom came home from the opening night of good time speech. hallelujah, glory be. at some point, brandon called. it was sort of weird because he called on the cell, so brock couldn't get on the phone too, and i couldn't talk to them at the same time. the conversation would've been much better if i hadn't been worried about brock being bored out of his mind. actually at one point tonight, while we were waiting for brock's mom to come pick him up, i mentioned something about not wanting him to be bored and all this, and i was fiddling with the kitkat wrapper. when i finally looked up at him, he was making this "OH NO YOU DI'INT!" face. it was great. and we had a quasi-conversation about it. his first reaction was "what else would i be doing?!" which wasn't all that comforting. but then he was like "i don't get bored! do you get bored?!" and i was like "no!" but the thing i REALLY liked that he said was that he couldn't sit around and do basically nothing with anyone else. and if he was out somewhere doing, he'd most likely be feeling left out of the conversation or be worried about something. and that was really nice. i don't know why.
goddess cat jumped out of the window while brock and i were windowsillin it. actually she was just sitting on it until we came back into my room, and brock stood on the bed, and she freaked out and ran off into the night. i was really nervous, because of the things people to do black cats on halloween. i shimmied through the window and peckled around through the underbrush but to no avail. i looked by the back door. nothing. no kittie. i decided not to worry about it because she always comes back always, even if it's been weeks. as soon as brock left, i walked back into my room and she bounded onto the bed. what a supercat. truly a goddess.
then i sort of took a short breath before becca, daniell, and william showed up for "beetlejuice." i like william SO much more than i used to, it isn't even funny. he really is a good kid. i wish i had more to say to daniell, we are very quiet around each other. it was really great getting to watch that movie at midnight on halloween with costumes and lovelies. nice nice. i wish laylee and kevin had come though. afterwards, we just basically drove around for half an hour or something, which was great. i always like when nights just piddle to a close instead of "SHIT IS DONE, BYE NOW!" also, william says "oh my shit" a lot, which is something elise says that i hate. i'm guessing she got it from him. i knew she got it from somewhere, i just never knew where. it was also really strange when william said "oh, that's happy." i was like aha nuts. we nearly drove to st. louis so that we could have bagels for breakfast. but we ran out of gas.
Friday, October 31, 2003
Thursday, October 30, 2003
hooray for every day better than the last! it was just a kind of slick lay-back day. the sky is sooo blue and the clouds are so beautiful. we spent time observing them at lunch. lovely. brock and i sang "i color the sky with you, i let you choose the blue!" a few times. kevin loved it. i love kevin.
whitney and amber sat at the table again today, so that was different. plus, katherine is still sick and nisha sat with other people, so the set up was very different. i guess the change was nice and all. i've decided i don't like sitting with so few people, because then there's usually only one conversation happening at one time. if there were other people i could escape into something else when talked turned away from my interests. brock is very big on being involved, so he always wants to stay in the large group conversation. he and i talked a little bit alone, because amber and whitney were mostly talking to sallis. i remember that they said one thing that really bothered me, but i can't remember what. ah well. maybe i should start doodling.
in chemistry i just barely finished my test. in algebra i was nowhere near finishing my quiz. it really pisses me off that i know what i'm doing and i couldn't finish. why am i so slowwww? oh well.
mr. munter apologized for calling me robin. AHAHAHA.
robin forgot her glasses today. she is so damn cute! i want to marry her. also things with brock were really nice today. nice boy.
wenli gave me a turtle's gift card for $10 just for helping out with her french video. WOW what a nice girl. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou to wenli. jesus christ.
in a time when i've felt like a really evil, selfish person, look how bethany describes me: "You're so sweet. You're just a big, fat teddy bear." i mean wow. how's that for polar opposite? i was thinking today about how i must appear entirely different to a different people. it's nuts. anyway, bethany also said she misses my "scratchy voice and insistent debates. I miss being yelled at (not that I enjoy that), but arguing was so fun! I feel all nostalgic. Look what you made me do! Poofter." aww. i miss yelling at you, bethany.
i have had a stomach ache all day. this is not cool. i hope i don't have what katherine has.
listening to: rasputina - my little shirtwaist fire
whitney and amber sat at the table again today, so that was different. plus, katherine is still sick and nisha sat with other people, so the set up was very different. i guess the change was nice and all. i've decided i don't like sitting with so few people, because then there's usually only one conversation happening at one time. if there were other people i could escape into something else when talked turned away from my interests. brock is very big on being involved, so he always wants to stay in the large group conversation. he and i talked a little bit alone, because amber and whitney were mostly talking to sallis. i remember that they said one thing that really bothered me, but i can't remember what. ah well. maybe i should start doodling.
in chemistry i just barely finished my test. in algebra i was nowhere near finishing my quiz. it really pisses me off that i know what i'm doing and i couldn't finish. why am i so slowwww? oh well.
mr. munter apologized for calling me robin. AHAHAHA.
robin forgot her glasses today. she is so damn cute! i want to marry her. also things with brock were really nice today. nice boy.
wenli gave me a turtle's gift card for $10 just for helping out with her french video. WOW what a nice girl. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou to wenli. jesus christ.
in a time when i've felt like a really evil, selfish person, look how bethany describes me: "You're so sweet. You're just a big, fat teddy bear." i mean wow. how's that for polar opposite? i was thinking today about how i must appear entirely different to a different people. it's nuts. anyway, bethany also said she misses my "scratchy voice and insistent debates. I miss being yelled at (not that I enjoy that), but arguing was so fun! I feel all nostalgic. Look what you made me do! Poofter." aww. i miss yelling at you, bethany.
i have had a stomach ache all day. this is not cool. i hope i don't have what katherine has.
listening to: rasputina - my little shirtwaist fire
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
brock and i had a classicly brilliant brock-alanna phone call tonight. he called because he was depressed about the stupid english project, and he wanted to forget about how he should have been working. i'm not sure when he called, but we talked for a long time. and it was one of those calls where each of you says "i have to go" like five kamillion times over the space of an hour. it's great. it made my night five kamillion times better. thank you, brock love. i missed our long talk. it's going in my biography.
there's a huge gooey spot of GOO on that little buggity bite on my chest. i finally showed me mater. woo i love her. she said she was going to send me to druggie school. i remember when i used to leap around the house in the morning, before school. she'd call me a gazelle, and i would pretend to hate it.
i don't know yet what i'm going to do for halloween. as in, i don't know where i'm going and i don't know what i'm going to dress up as, if i am at all. well shit. i want to get out of this house. i wish i could drive. i also wish i got to see kids on the weekdays because that would just increase my will to live by a million.
listening to: rasputina - this little piggy
listening to: rasputina - this little piggy
today was better! wahoo. i am hoping this week is just a staircase, but i'm afraid my thoughts will jinx it... well here's hoping.
i was basically like "i'm really sick of bad days!" so i was more smily than i might have been. i enjoyed myself in chemistry, and just basically smatchetted through english. tried to do history homework, but had more fun eating crackers. hoorah! latin was bleggity because we have a quiz friday which i'm going to fail. i got a 75 on the last quiz ahahaaaa. i'm really dumb. a lot of people are like "ohh i'm going to fail" and then they get a 96. well fuck that. i really do fail. lunch wasn't too great, because katherine was absent. the poor dear is sick, i feel awful for her. i want to call, but i don't want to wake her up or anything. so basically, nisha, brock, and sallis spent the whole time talking about bridgebuilders. for a little while, tarah came to talk. i didn't have much to say, which i felt stupid for. blaghh me. oh i forgot to say this. the other day i was going to sarah's car after school, and i heard this car honk. i turned around, and it was tarah riding with one of her poppity friends and tarah had apparently made her honk so that she could wave to me. aww how nice is that? i love tarah.
anyway, the funniest thing ever happened today. ahahaohhaah oh my. the history class was waiting outside the room, for ms. ervin to come unlock the door. during the wait, kevin was walking by, and he said hello so i grabbed him and hugged him, and he did his wonderful ear-whisper thing. i love that thing. then during his classic kevin take-off, in which he just spins around and marches off, he SMASHED INTO MS. ERVIN. AHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh my god. it was this amazing clash of orange and pink. HYSTERICAL. especially to me. her face was great, also. too bad there wasn't more screaming. but JESUS HAHAHAHA.
in other news, i got an 89 on the test yesterday that i was thoroughly prepared to fail, and a fucking NINETY-FOUR 94 94 94 ON MY PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY FROM LAST THURSDAY. oh my god, i was really amazed. i'm still falling apart. that's about it. brock forgot to give me back my math homework, so i got my first 0 of the six weeks on homework. and i was doing so well, too. hahah it's no big deal, whatevar. it was just funny because he found me after school, holding it, going "I'M SO SORRRYYY." what a nice boy. too bad he's sick of me. aha.
listening to: rasputina - the remnants of percy bass
i was basically like "i'm really sick of bad days!" so i was more smily than i might have been. i enjoyed myself in chemistry, and just basically smatchetted through english. tried to do history homework, but had more fun eating crackers. hoorah! latin was bleggity because we have a quiz friday which i'm going to fail. i got a 75 on the last quiz ahahaaaa. i'm really dumb. a lot of people are like "ohh i'm going to fail" and then they get a 96. well fuck that. i really do fail. lunch wasn't too great, because katherine was absent. the poor dear is sick, i feel awful for her. i want to call, but i don't want to wake her up or anything. so basically, nisha, brock, and sallis spent the whole time talking about bridgebuilders. for a little while, tarah came to talk. i didn't have much to say, which i felt stupid for. blaghh me. oh i forgot to say this. the other day i was going to sarah's car after school, and i heard this car honk. i turned around, and it was tarah riding with one of her poppity friends and tarah had apparently made her honk so that she could wave to me. aww how nice is that? i love tarah.
anyway, the funniest thing ever happened today. ahahaohhaah oh my. the history class was waiting outside the room, for ms. ervin to come unlock the door. during the wait, kevin was walking by, and he said hello so i grabbed him and hugged him, and he did his wonderful ear-whisper thing. i love that thing. then during his classic kevin take-off, in which he just spins around and marches off, he SMASHED INTO MS. ERVIN. AHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh my god. it was this amazing clash of orange and pink. HYSTERICAL. especially to me. her face was great, also. too bad there wasn't more screaming. but JESUS HAHAHAHA.
in other news, i got an 89 on the test yesterday that i was thoroughly prepared to fail, and a fucking NINETY-FOUR 94 94 94 ON MY PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY FROM LAST THURSDAY. oh my god, i was really amazed. i'm still falling apart. that's about it. brock forgot to give me back my math homework, so i got my first 0 of the six weeks on homework. and i was doing so well, too. hahah it's no big deal, whatevar. it was just funny because he found me after school, holding it, going "I'M SO SORRRYYY." what a nice boy. too bad he's sick of me. aha.
listening to: rasputina - the remnants of percy bass
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
i wrote this in chemistry:
today sucks. i accidentally fell asleep at 9:30 last night before i had finished half my homework or studied for the history test. genius me. as if i don't already feel like shit. aside from that, in the course of a week, i've managed to fuck up every relationship i'm involved in. i gave becca perfect reason to lose all trust in me, brock is bored to death with my company, and i don't really feel like expoudning upon the tragedies of the other ones, but i am sure that everyone hates me. i feel like such a troubled fucking teen today. mostly it's just angst, but yeah i know that to some extent there is this "anxiety" issue thing. i've really never thought of myself as an anxious person, but i guess it makes some sense.
shit, last year i was so full of hope. whenever i was depressed at all, it wasn't actually that bad because i was doing such-and-such a thing or so-and-so was around. i don't know.
i didn't get to mention this yet, but at lunch yesterday i was in an AWFUL mood. i had the piece-of-shit-iest day ever, and i just wanted to relax for a few minutes. nisha was complaining about having to do some homework and when no one accepted her proposal of getting paid to do it for her, she started reading it out loud while she worked it. just to be annoying. everyone else ignored her, but somehow i just couldn't. i was so fucking tired. just of shit. but fuck me for not wanting to listen to nisha's vocabulary sentences. i asked her to stop. i TOLD her to stop. i commanded. i threatened. i did what i threatened to do. it was really immature on both of our parts -- nisha's event, my action, her reaction.
her jacket only got a little capri sun on it anyway. it was still mostly threat. and anyway, i'm used to people who wouldn't actually take offense from that... allison and i did it constantly last year. it was just another thing to distance me and nisha, i guess. again we have been proved very different people, and it just makes me like her less. plus, she is one of the most annoying people that i have to come in contact with. seriously. she's up there with ronald.
anyway, she retaliated by trying to pour her sprite into my lap. i'm sorry, but this is very different from a little capri sun squirt. however, she was really slow about it, so i had time to move her arm out of the way before she overturned that bitch. basically, i didn't get wet. just my lunchbox slightly. she spilled more on herself and the innocent members of our lunch table (especially brock, who was between us) and their homework than on me. i felt bad for dragging other people into the childish little thing, and i think i apologized to them, but not to nisha. i'm just too much of a mean person for that. everyone who isn't already sick of me will be soon. bloody brilliant.
today sucks. i accidentally fell asleep at 9:30 last night before i had finished half my homework or studied for the history test. genius me. as if i don't already feel like shit. aside from that, in the course of a week, i've managed to fuck up every relationship i'm involved in. i gave becca perfect reason to lose all trust in me, brock is bored to death with my company, and i don't really feel like expoudning upon the tragedies of the other ones, but i am sure that everyone hates me. i feel like such a troubled fucking teen today. mostly it's just angst, but yeah i know that to some extent there is this "anxiety" issue thing. i've really never thought of myself as an anxious person, but i guess it makes some sense.
shit, last year i was so full of hope. whenever i was depressed at all, it wasn't actually that bad because i was doing such-and-such a thing or so-and-so was around. i don't know.
i didn't get to mention this yet, but at lunch yesterday i was in an AWFUL mood. i had the piece-of-shit-iest day ever, and i just wanted to relax for a few minutes. nisha was complaining about having to do some homework and when no one accepted her proposal of getting paid to do it for her, she started reading it out loud while she worked it. just to be annoying. everyone else ignored her, but somehow i just couldn't. i was so fucking tired. just of shit. but fuck me for not wanting to listen to nisha's vocabulary sentences. i asked her to stop. i TOLD her to stop. i commanded. i threatened. i did what i threatened to do. it was really immature on both of our parts -- nisha's event, my action, her reaction.
her jacket only got a little capri sun on it anyway. it was still mostly threat. and anyway, i'm used to people who wouldn't actually take offense from that... allison and i did it constantly last year. it was just another thing to distance me and nisha, i guess. again we have been proved very different people, and it just makes me like her less. plus, she is one of the most annoying people that i have to come in contact with. seriously. she's up there with ronald.
anyway, she retaliated by trying to pour her sprite into my lap. i'm sorry, but this is very different from a little capri sun squirt. however, she was really slow about it, so i had time to move her arm out of the way before she overturned that bitch. basically, i didn't get wet. just my lunchbox slightly. she spilled more on herself and the innocent members of our lunch table (especially brock, who was between us) and their homework than on me. i felt bad for dragging other people into the childish little thing, and i think i apologized to them, but not to nisha. i'm just too much of a mean person for that. everyone who isn't already sick of me will be soon. bloody brilliant.
Monday, October 27, 2003
today is awful. GOPWIEHAPOWHIEGOHAIOHWOEHA i want some pizza.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
does anyone have any ideas for how we are going to get into rasputina?
1. go before 9, before they put the bouncer out. eat and eat and eat.
2. bring someone over 18.
3. email the band and beg.
4. hide in the bathroom.
5. sit outside and sulk. at least that way we could hear some of the music, and meet the band afterwards.
anything else?
and who exactly is coming to this thing, anyway? becca and laylee told me to keep it small, but i feel bad because i found out about it and told all kinds of people. i doubt most of them will come, though, because they're only small fans, and it's a sunday night, so. but all souls' day, what a great day for them to be here!
1. go before 9, before they put the bouncer out. eat and eat and eat.
2. bring someone over 18.
3. email the band and beg.
4. hide in the bathroom.
5. sit outside and sulk. at least that way we could hear some of the music, and meet the band afterwards.
anything else?
and who exactly is coming to this thing, anyway? becca and laylee told me to keep it small, but i feel bad because i found out about it and told all kinds of people. i doubt most of them will come, though, because they're only small fans, and it's a sunday night, so. but all souls' day, what a great day for them to be here!
coming out of "blue citrus hearts" has been beautiful every time. this time i was with morgan and a big group of her friends, and they were lovely. however, as soon as we got into the lobby, mom and dad bombarded us with annoyance. their movie had finished 20 minutes before we got out, and they were not very happy. it shouldn't be my fault that our movie started 10 minutes late and had a Q+A at the end, but somehow it was. the rest of the ride home was full of the entire family being pissed off at me, so i was pissed off at them too. it wasn't pretty. it still isn't pretty. i'm annoyed that my night is no longer pretty. and i finally had a good sunday, too. and dad is kicking me off now. brilliant.
listening to: the raveonettes - love can destroy
listening to: the raveonettes - love can destroy
today is a good sunday. having eileen over was very nice. i'm so glad my sister can have cool friends. that lucky ducky. they have gone to rehearsal right now, but we had a really nice morning. we recorded lots of music and filmed all kinds of randomness and eileen joined DOY. woohoo! i'm in a nice mood, but i have to go do my homework soon...
blue citrus hearts. 7 pm. peabody place. indie memphis. please come, kids. it's a nice film. plus i'll be there and i need to see you.
blue citrus hearts. 7 pm. peabody place. indie memphis. please come, kids. it's a nice film. plus i'll be there and i need to see you.
the night has gotten really nice. morgan's friend eileen is awesome. i had only met her once briefly before tonight, but i really like her and i'm glad morgan can have such a cool friend. i can hear her playing guitar to morgan in the bedroom right now. aww. i'm about to go in there. we played some really silly music, and recorded some silly things on the camera, and i feel insanely creative right now. go figure. i told you that late nights are way productive. i think i told you, anyway.
download an mp3 of morgan's poem that we sort of ... did.
listening to: eileen
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