there's a huge gooey spot of GOO on that little buggity bite on my chest. i finally showed me mater. woo i love her. she said she was going to send me to druggie school. i remember when i used to leap around the house in the morning, before school. she'd call me a gazelle, and i would pretend to hate it.

OH MAH GOD I AM IN LOVE WITH BRIE CHEESE

FULLY FLEXIBLE, YOU SEE. IS THERE ONE AS SWEET AS ME?
(dantier, smarter, better dressed.)
ANTIQUE HIGH HEEL RED DOLL SHOES!

pick me up for heaven sakes
aren't i your baby cakes?

listening to: RASPUTINA, MUTHAFUCKA!

i don't know yet what i'm going to do for halloween. as in, i don't know where i'm going and i don't know what i'm going to dress up as, if i am at all. well shit. i want to get out of this house. i wish i could drive. i also wish i got to see kids on the weekdays because that would just increase my will to live by a million.

listening to: rasputina - this little piggy

today was better! wahoo. i am hoping this week is just a staircase, but i'm afraid my thoughts will jinx it... well here's hoping.
i was basically like "i'm really sick of bad days!" so i was more smily than i might have been. i enjoyed myself in chemistry, and just basically smatchetted through english. tried to do history homework, but had more fun eating crackers. hoorah! latin was bleggity because we have a quiz friday which i'm going to fail. i got a 75 on the last quiz ahahaaaa. i'm really dumb. a lot of people are like "ohh i'm going to fail" and then they get a 96. well fuck that. i really do fail. lunch wasn't too great, because katherine was absent. the poor dear is sick, i feel awful for her. i want to call, but i don't want to wake her up or anything. so basically, nisha, brock, and sallis spent the whole time talking about bridgebuilders. for a little while, tarah came to talk. i didn't have much to say, which i felt stupid for. blaghh me. oh i forgot to say this. the other day i was going to sarah's car after school, and i heard this car honk. i turned around, and it was tarah riding with one of her poppity friends and tarah had apparently made her honk so that she could wave to me. aww how nice is that? i love tarah.
anyway, the funniest thing ever happened today. ahahaohhaah oh my. the history class was waiting outside the room, for ms. ervin to come unlock the door. during the wait, kevin was walking by, and he said hello so i grabbed him and hugged him, and he did his wonderful ear-whisper thing. i love that thing. then during his classic kevin take-off, in which he just spins around and marches off, he SMASHED INTO MS. ERVIN. AHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh my god. it was this amazing clash of orange and pink. HYSTERICAL. especially to me. her face was great, also. too bad there wasn't more screaming. but JESUS HAHAHAHA.
in other news, i got an 89 on the test yesterday that i was thoroughly prepared to fail, and a fucking NINETY-FOUR 94 94 94 ON MY PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY FROM LAST THURSDAY. oh my god, i was really amazed. i'm still falling apart. that's about it. brock forgot to give me back my math homework, so i got my first 0 of the six weeks on homework. and i was doing so well, too. hahah it's no big deal, whatevar. it was just funny because he found me after school, holding it, going "I'M SO SORRRYYY." what a nice boy. too bad he's sick of me. aha.

listening to: rasputina - the remnants of percy bass

let's hope today is better than yesterday, which was better than monday. woowoo we're going up!

i wrote this in chemistry:

today sucks. i accidentally fell asleep at 9:30 last night before i had finished half my homework or studied for the history test. genius me. as if i don't already feel like shit. aside from that, in the course of a week, i've managed to fuck up every relationship i'm involved in. i gave becca perfect reason to lose all trust in me, brock is bored to death with my company, and i don't really feel like expoudning upon the tragedies of the other ones, but i am sure that everyone hates me. i feel like such a troubled fucking teen today. mostly it's just angst, but yeah i know that to some extent there is this "anxiety" issue thing. i've really never thought of myself as an anxious person, but i guess it makes some sense.
shit, last year i was so full of hope. whenever i was depressed at all, it wasn't actually that bad because i was doing such-and-such a thing or so-and-so was around. i don't know.
i didn't get to mention this yet, but at lunch yesterday i was in an AWFUL mood. i had the piece-of-shit-iest day ever, and i just wanted to relax for a few minutes. nisha was complaining about having to do some homework and when no one accepted her proposal of getting paid to do it for her, she started reading it out loud while she worked it. just to be annoying. everyone else ignored her, but somehow i just couldn't. i was so fucking tired. just of shit. but fuck me for not wanting to listen to nisha's vocabulary sentences. i asked her to stop. i TOLD her to stop. i commanded. i threatened. i did what i threatened to do. it was really immature on both of our parts -- nisha's event, my action, her reaction.
her jacket only got a little capri sun on it anyway. it was still mostly threat. and anyway, i'm used to people who wouldn't actually take offense from that... allison and i did it constantly last year. it was just another thing to distance me and nisha, i guess. again we have been proved very different people, and it just makes me like her less. plus, she is one of the most annoying people that i have to come in contact with. seriously. she's up there with ronald.
anyway, she retaliated by trying to pour her sprite into my lap. i'm sorry, but this is very different from a little capri sun squirt. however, she was really slow about it, so i had time to move her arm out of the way before she overturned that bitch. basically, i didn't get wet. just my lunchbox slightly. she spilled more on herself and the innocent members of our lunch table (especially brock, who was between us) and their homework than on me. i felt bad for dragging other people into the childish little thing, and i think i apologized to them, but not to nisha. i'm just too much of a mean person for that. everyone who isn't already sick of me will be soon. bloody brilliant.

today is awful. GOPWIEHAPOWHIEGOHAIOHWOEHA i want some pizza.
i have soooooo much homework tonight, so i called the memphis psychotherapy center's answering service, and told them i had to cancel for today. at about 6:10 mom walked into the house, just back from her OWN appointment, and literally forced me to go. in my pajams. wearing brandon.
i yelled at her. (quoth brock, "don't yell at your mom!" because he loves my mom and apparently doesn't understand me.) i was really upset, and when we got there we had to wait for forever. i kept complaining about what a waste of time it was. i think some of my anger calmed down in those minutes, though. if i had gone in to see her right away, i probably would've just screamed "I CAN'T COME TODAY" and stormed out. but i was cooling, so i wasn't so upset.
later on, she told mom that i looked angry for the first couple minutes of our session, and then just sad -- the saddest she'd ever seen me, she said. when she said that, mom said she had seen me sadder than that, but she never knew what to do. i was like "wow, i can look SAD?" it was something of a shocker realizing that people can tell how i feel just from looking at me. i guess it was a naive assumption of me, but i always thought that since i never cry, i was just a stone. and i'm always so shit with conveying emotions. well fuck me for not putting that much stock in other people and/or my own face.
at one point, before mom came in, she said i looked like i was going to cry. i don't know, i might have if i had tried to talk. but i was just kind of watching my shoes sliding on the carpet, and answering her questions with shrugs. when i looked at her, my throat loosened up a little, and she let me breathe. it was strange, i thought it would be the opposite. and when she said i looked like that, i just kinda shrugged it off with a smile and all that. it was really weird thinking that if i had looked like i was going to cry THEN, i have NO idea what i looked like talking to ms. ervin. shaking like a donut shop. jesus. it's so strange that in less than a week, i've had so many nuts displays of emotion. it's really unlike me, and i don't know how to react to them. i don't know what's causing the change, either, which is probably the scariest part. anyway she eventually brought mom in, and told her that i have no internal drive, that i work better with structure, and that she was worried about my level of anxiety. (it seems kind of contradictory to have anxiety problems and no drive. aha.) by the end of it, mom's eyes were wet and i wonder if mine were too.

does anyone have any ideas for how we are going to get into rasputina?
1. go before 9, before they put the bouncer out. eat and eat and eat.
2. bring someone over 18.
3. email the band and beg.
4. hide in the bathroom.
5. sit outside and sulk. at least that way we could hear some of the music, and meet the band afterwards.

anything else?

and who exactly is coming to this thing, anyway? becca and laylee told me to keep it small, but i feel bad because i found out about it and told all kinds of people. i doubt most of them will come, though, because they're only small fans, and it's a sunday night, so. but all souls' day, what a great day for them to be here!

coming out of "blue citrus hearts" has been beautiful every time. this time i was with morgan and a big group of her friends, and they were lovely. however, as soon as we got into the lobby, mom and dad bombarded us with annoyance. their movie had finished 20 minutes before we got out, and they were not very happy. it shouldn't be my fault that our movie started 10 minutes late and had a Q+A at the end, but somehow it was. the rest of the ride home was full of the entire family being pissed off at me, so i was pissed off at them too. it wasn't pretty. it still isn't pretty. i'm annoyed that my night is no longer pretty. and i finally had a good sunday, too. and dad is kicking me off now. brilliant.

listening to: the raveonettes - love can destroy

today is a good sunday. having eileen over was very nice. i'm so glad my sister can have cool friends. that lucky ducky. they have gone to rehearsal right now, but we had a really nice morning. we recorded lots of music and filmed all kinds of randomness and eileen joined DOY. woohoo! i'm in a nice mood, but i have to go do my homework soon...
blue citrus hearts. 7 pm. peabody place. indie memphis. please come, kids. it's a nice film. plus i'll be there and i need to see you.

the night has gotten really nice. morgan's friend eileen is awesome. i had only met her once briefly before tonight, but i really like her and i'm glad morgan can have such a cool friend. i can hear her playing guitar to morgan in the bedroom right now. aww. i'm about to go in there. we played some really silly music, and recorded some silly things on the camera, and i feel insanely creative right now. go figure. i told you that late nights are way productive. i think i told you, anyway.
download an mp3 of morgan's poem that we sort of ... did.

listening to: eileen

today turned out how i thought it would, but sort of through a different way. i'd thought i would spend most of the day helping brock and wenli with their french videos and not having any fun, and then me and brock would probably go do some okay event afterwards. instead, we worked on these videos literally all day long. brock called and woke me up at 11:20 and i got to his house at like 12:45. sorry it took me so long. i had to buy tapes and stuff too, though. wenli and i got there at the exact same time. we all stood around and ate nutella on crackers for a few minutes before getting started with brock's video (a commercial for his house, done in french). before too long, melissa showed up driving her dad's car, and we filmed wenli's video (a french commercial for the car). then melissa left and we finished filming for brock. at about 4:30 the three of us came to my house, ate at sonic, and finally finished editting wenli's video just after 7. i felt bad that we'd taken up so much of her time. then brock and i started to work on his video. it took forever. nobody seems to realize how long editting stuff actually takes. we had planned to finish up quickly, and take in a movie at the film fest because brock knew i wanted to go. what a nice boy.
unfortunately, that is not what happened. we spent forever trying to just get the basics done, which wasn't too bad. brock editted himself, and i helped him out along the way. that was really nice. then when we had the basic structure of the video done, we went back to add the intro and some other tidbits. for the opening, brock had planned to sing this song to the tune of a mozart piece, so i left the room for him to do it. a good while later, he came back to morgan's room, where she, eileen (who is spending the night), and i were listening to morgan's first and very infamous mix cd. we all danced around to a few songs. then brock went back to try to record the song some more. i came in a while later, and he had given up. i tried to help him some, but then morgan and eileen came in, and everything fell away to hell. we watched as much of brock's video as we had done, wenli's video, bb3, and the yeah yeah yeahs "maps" video. yes again. giowhpihwg. morgan is obsessive. then brock called his mom to come pick him up. he was obviously really tired. poor kid. it was another night where it feels like someone needs to spend the night. maybe it was just because of eileen being here and everything, and the beautiful little moment in morgan's room with all of us dancing and singing on the bed. it felt very slumber party. where is my friend? i'm all alone online, while they are partying on the other side of the house. mope mope mope.
but actually getting to hang out with brock was really nice today. some shit that has been going through my head wasn't there tonight, which i was very happy about. i don't know what's been up. oh well. but it was really funny having wenli there, because she pointed out (or sometimes her presence just made me realize) all these things brock and i do, like randomly bursting into songs and whatnot. it was just nice, because it made me feel connected to him. special and all that. maybe that was part of what made the day better.
dad just brought me a package from katie!!! katie, i don't know if you read this blog, but DEAR GOD i'm so sorry i still haven't sent you a letter. i feel awful about that. you're the sweetest kid ever and thank you SO MUCH for the sigur rós cd and the advanced copy of wasteland (which seems really short!!!). i love you katie! weeeeoooooo.
wenli is talking to me, and it is really nice. i liked getting to hang out with her today, because i haven't before. so that is very good. i like her.
eileen and morgan are coming in, so i must depart.

I GET ALONG JUST SINGING MY SONG, PEOPLE TELL ME I'M WRONG

...fuck em...

(GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG)


listening to: LIBERTINES, MUTHAFUCKA!

holy shit i'm still eating my cold french fries. i got them at like 7. they were cold by 7:01.
how is THAT for slow eating, muthafucka?!

just got off the phone with brock. i love talking to him until his phone dies. wahaha. i love that even though we hear it beep and dying, he always calls back to let me know that his phone died, but that maybe he would call me back on the cell later when it became free. today was pretty blagh. fucking friday on a shit stick. oh well. i have a root beer float.

GWAHAHAH WILLIAM HAS A RASPUTINA LINE FROM "THE NEW ZERO" IN HIS AIM AWAY MESSAGE. WAAHHHH AND IT'S A GREAT LINE. WAAAAHHHHHHH i'm happy.
can he help us get into the show next sunday?

fuck this shit, i'm walking to sonic.

today sucks. you know the usual friday feeling of WEEEE WEEKEND? well i had that yesterday. but no longer, my friend. for some reason this weekend looks sickly bleak and hopeless. so far, that outlook has proven true. i came home alone from school and have been here ever since. doing nothing. and i hate it. i asked dad to take me to the scribbler coffeehouse, for COMPLETE lack of things to do, but he will be in a meeting later and wouldn't be able to pick me up. everyone is doing shit. i'm alone. oh well. i would like to go to the indie memphis film festival. no ride. this is really shitty. someone come save me haha?
tomorrow doesn't look any better. i have to film/edit brock's and wenli's french projects. oh well, it'll probably be funnish. but i would so much rather be working on one of OUR films, you know? when brock first said he was working on his french movie, i freaked out. then i realized he meant the stupid commercial for class. he's making the most of it, though, and it should be funny. i just hope it doesn't take too insanely long to do, and that i don't fall asleep in midst of all the french. why is morgan watching degreassi? also, elise's play is this weekend, and i only feel slightly bad that i can't go. last night i was busy, tonight i have no rides (but if i did, i would probably resort to the play), and tomorrow i will be filming. i talked to elise for about 30 seconds longer than normal a little while ago. it was odd. she said she might call later, i don't know how that will go. i think we have different views on why we are no longer hanging out/talking at all. and i didn't really know what to say to gently dissuade her because there is no gentle way to do it. the plain truth is that we just are not compatible friends. we don't have enough in common. and when it gets to the point that nearly every little thing someone does is bugging you, you just have to lay it down. why do my posts lately keep becoming these damned nuts life repetetive shits? stop me, someone.

listening to: adam ant - kick

i. LOVE. laylee-kevin-becca nights. so damn much. it isn't even funny. i wish i could see them all the time because then life would be so much better. i love them and they love me and everything is beautiful. there are always moments when i feel like i'm intruding on their beautiful, though, which is inevitable since i don't see them lots and lots. but. it's nice.
so today at about 6:45 becca came over to record, and we just hung out, listened to music, and ate macaroni for a few minutes until dad and morgan left for rehearsal. once they left, becca recorded a take of her new song "nothing fuck" which went really well. since it's still very much in baby state, she only did it once before we moved on. she tried to record "paper hearts" to see what it sounds like without kevin, but something funky was happening with the guitar. then we tried to record "morning sickness" but it took her awhile to get used to playing it again. when we were finally a decent way into the song, the damned phone rang. that was okay, because it was laylee asking when we wanted to go to open mic. all in all, becca eventually recorded a lower version (she didn't have athena) of "my telephone" and one of "paper hearts." i think that's it. she tried out a couple other things, but without the kapo nothing was really working.
open mic was okay. laylee made me wear weird, tall shoes and kevin's hat, which was fun. plus, laylee and becca were wearing my shirts. oh it was hot. when we got there, who should be up at the mic but (surprise, surprise) michael himself. and of course he played for the majority of the time we were there. he didn't stop playing until ana literally forced him to. and even after she told him to quit, he made this comment about "can i just play a show? right now?" the ASS. i really hate him. then ana read one poem, and he played another damn song. then tilden played a 'song' and it was nuts, but i didn't really have to pretend to pay attention because i was watching daniel goof off. i like him, i'm glad he was there. tonight i really remembered why i stopped going to these things. right as becca was FINALLY about to play, michael had to make a huge production over the fact that he was leaving. it took him like ten minutes to make this stupid speech about it. and then when he was done, becca launched into "paper hearts." by now, amber and will had shown up and were standing at the counter. so counter-lady, michael, and amber got to chat it up all through becca's song. it was so fucking annoying. i wanted to kill everyone. it would've been nice to talk to amber, but i didn't really want to do it while someone was playing, and i think she left after just a couple minutes of chat. then becca played "my telephone" which was better because michael was finally fucking gone. GOD. i used to like him, wow remember that? when he had the HAIR and the little facial thing? haa. remember how he would sort of levitate off his stool and sing "you're so prettYYYYYYYYYY" and it was really really nice? that was like the second time i ever went. brock and i fell in love. and now i hate his everlasting guts. i'm going to shut up, because now i'm positive he'll find this. oh well, maybe it will make him stop playing for so damn long. it's really intimidating to kids who are unsure of reading, also. i should know. anyway. becca played so well, even though the audience was nuts. after that, we were just going to leave, but we stayed while daniel read two thingies. one was a funny monologue and the other one was some bits of dialogue. i'm not really sure what you would call it. he tends to do that, i think -- read something funny and then something really serious. it's nice that he can be both, anyway.
becca has the greatest laugh. kevin has the best car mix. laylee is the best fucking person alive. more nights should involve them. in technical terms, the night didn't go too well... we didn't really get anything recorded, and open mic was pretty shitty, on most accounts. BUT i had a great time just because i was seeing the best people on the planet. i'm having this absolutely nuts flashback to the end of last year, when we were going to all the open-mics and pretty much the only reason i kept going was to see laylee, becca, and sometimes kevin, and then i'd be hanging out with people who were feeling like the total opposite. plus there was this really weird distance from brock at the time, and surprisingly, i think we're having another one. part of it is just this extreme shock of not having talked to him outside of school at ALL this week, when a week or two ago we talked on the phone for at least an hour every day. and then when we hang out, i feel like he doesn't want to be there. i've gone over this, and i'm totally rambling. why? to avoid history, of course. ah well. i better go anyway.

me: i love you to death
laylee: i love YOU to death

me: i love you to pieces
becca: i love youa s well!

me: i love you to pizza
kevin: i love you to samsonite