HOLY SHIT!!! FUCK FAYETTEVILLE, AK!
RASPUTINA IS COMING TO FUCKING MEMPHIS
AGWEIOHA WGIOPEHPGIOAWE HOPIAHGOPWEH OPAIHOPDGHOASDHGAHWEIOGH ASDLKGHAOPGWEIHOPAHSDOGIHAO PWEHGASOPDGHIOPAW EHGPOAIHDGLFKASHPAOGWEI HGOPIAHSDLGKHAPWEOGHASODHGL;AKSD GHAOPWEGHPAOWEHIGIAHSOPDG

i'm such a loser for sitting here downloading AFI videos.
well i'm sorry. i like to sit here and analyze the look of videos, and "girl's not grey" is particularly fun. they do some nuts editting stuff, and there are some very nice visuals. it's also very ROCK which i always love. some cool parts to the video of quick converse-clad feet flying over the drumset... it's very nice. it makes me want to have a band and/or make music videos. no, seriously, i'm a sucker for like. every single music video ever created. okay maybe it just feels like that right now because i keep watching ones i like.
help me out, and recommend some good videos for me to download/watch:

oh, dad bitched at the school and they are letting me take psats at white station's nasty ass on saturday. katherine told me that this other kid paid for his YESTERDAY, so i told mom, and they made them let me take it. i guess that is good. it's good simply because mom is now in a great mood, and i will get to hang out with laylee after the test. plus i really love this interpol album suddenly. holy shit it's fucking amazing. this is no joke. seriously, i will burn this for someone. it's not something you need to dip your toes in and test out... you need to just dive into the whole thing. i guess because it's a lot to take in. i don't know.
also, becca couldn't come over and record like we'd planned because her parents are fucking nuts. how depressing. maybe this weekend... sigh.

i'm all tangly. anyone up for open-mic tonight?

got to be some more change in my life
it's up to me now . turn on the bright lights
i can't understand why i have to be so mood swing. after school today, first off, i was annoyed because i don't think i did very well on a math test. for some reason, about halfway through it, about halfway through the class, i flipped out that i had like 10 more seconds to go, time-wise. then i rushed through the next part of the test, and i just don't know. oh well. so i was annoyed. then i sort of found this really amazing mood. i also found kevin and laylee, and there was beautiful hugging. i love seeing them at the end of the day. laylee is so great. i love getting kevin hugs, too. because i don't usually. so it made me very very happy. then i went to my locker, and brock met me there. i hugged him because i was feeling very full of love and wanting hugs and beautiful things. he wasn't very into it. oh well. then robin came over, and we walked out together, and i really liked talking to her because she was in a good mood. i told her that mr. munter called be 'robin goodwin' today, which was really fucking funny. he doesn't know the two of us apart. ahaah. anyway. we got outside, and christine stopped brock to talk. i left because there was something else i wanted to say to robin, but she had walked off somewhere else by then. so i just stood with allison, katherine, and alice for a few minutes until i had the overwhelming need to just lie on the stupid brick wall thingie. the breeze was really wonderful. everyone was really nice and everything, and asked me why was i lying down? i don't know. was i tired? no. was i sick? no. was i okay? no.
it was really nice of htem to be concerned, but not having any real answers just pissed me off and bothered me more. i don't know what's wrong with me. i was just falling down right down. brock came back all happy from talking to christine. he tickled my shoulder a little. it made me wish i was love and rockets. things made me wish a lot of things. it didn't help that sarah was late picking me up today, so everyone left and i just lay there. sarah didn't come until after 3, which means i didn't get home until 3:20. i hate that i spent the better part of an hour really unhappy for no apparent reason. fuck this shit. all i want to do is keep listening to this album, drink my damn diet coke, edit with katherine, record with becca, and exist with laylee.

listening to: interpol - PDA

i love night time brock calls. le sigh.

i love my afternoon shower. it's the time of the day where i really just stop and think about shit. i think so long my fingers prune. raisin. mmm i want some milk duds now. okay.
just now i was thinking about how ridiculous therapy is. practically everyone i know is seeing or should see a psychiatrist. except for robin, because robin doesn't have problems. but then if she DID see a therapist, they would probably tell her she was detached and unemotional or something. (this is just from my perspective. maybe robin is dying inside, why would i know? it's an example, anyway.) basically everyone has issues, so we go to therapy to get them fixed? well what the fuck. if everyone should be in there, then what do we bother going for? who is the perfect person that i am supposed to be modelling myself after? it's really pissing me off. so i have no internal drive. there's probably such a thing as too much internal drive, right? well maybe not, but i'm still making a point. so right now i'm mad at therapy.
also. you know how there's supposed to be this one thing for every person to realize is their THING and they are supposed to do that forever? i can't figure out what mine is, and it's driving me nuts. i can see myself editting and doing movies in the future, but i don't feel like i was dropped onto this rock to do it, really. the only thing i have real enthusiasm for is music... and not even enough to learn to play. (oboe doesn't count. and anyway i hadn't held one for a year until today. wow, how nuts was that? and i was like "WHY CAN'T I PLAY THE LOW E!?" what a dumbass, i had the damn octave key down. tsk tsk. but man oboe is pretty. it sounds "nasal and weird." shit it makes me wish i was playing again.)
anyway. so, as a listener of music, my career choices include:
record producer? haha. very likely.
roadie
groupie
or...
do you guys remember that commercial with the stuff.... i think it was for a cd burner or a discman or something. but the guy burns his cd and gets to listen to it all day while he drives around at the airport and tries to save the birds from being hit by airplanes. i could do that job.

new doy url! wootie wootie.

katherine is supposed to be on her way over to edit, as we speak. YAYY i'm so excited. i hope mom doesn't get mad...
today was okay. pro bono club with mr. munter. the club video was funny. they played portishead, hooray. laylee loved all over me and rubbed my hip. i love her. i miss her. she wants to hang out after psats. i hope it works out, considering i will either be at central or at home while everyone else is at white station. i'm afraid there will be post-psats fun that i will miss. poo. ahahah i'm not even worried about the actual thing, go figure. i need to die.
i was so apathetic today, it wasn't even funny. i didn't do a damn thing. being more productive than normal last night just drained me, i think. i DID, however, start to think about my pixies covers cd. yes, it's true. i have been downloading pixies covers for over a year and i think it might be time to actually make the album. i'm very excited. woowoo. wish me luck.

listening to: portishead - sour times

whatta fuck is this?! headache too? no fucking way.
why is it that on ibuprofen bottles, they put the directions and the dosage shit very far down on the little flap that you have to peel off the damn bottle? is that supposed to make you actually read more of the information on the package while you're trying to find it, or do they want us to overdose? i love pills.

this is insane and unfair. i'm fucking TIRED. i've been tired for a little while now, and i'm very put out. i guess this is what happens after not getting enough sleep for a couple weeks... seriously, until now, i have not been tired at all. god damn it. oh well.
something funny happened but i can't remember what.
i got to talk to brandon for a good bit, and it was really nice. i avoided history like a mutha. hey, brandon. look at this, i'm posting like crazy.
i don't know what's going on. everything feels weird today. get me out of here?

oh i forgot to say this earlier but it is too funny for words. HAHA. see?
wexler's ap english class has turned into sunday school. it's fucking funny. we have to analyze all these jesus poems, and they make NO sense to me at all, not being christian or religious in any way at all. it's pretty funny. allison was like "see it's about jesus and the judgement day." and i was like "WHAT THE FUCK IS JUDGEMENT DAY!? WHAT THE FUCK IS JESUS!?" it's pretty bad. but funny.
wexler brought her dog into the building after school today. she's fucking nuts. that bible ho.

i hate it when someone is really dependent on something or another person that practically their entire being revolves around it. it's like they're constantly looking to this other person for comfort or support or the okay, and everything. i can't think of any good examples without naming names, which i don't want to do. and don't get me wrong, i'm guilty of the same thing. i think everyone does it, but it's just not as obvious with some people. maybe they think about it rather than unleash it on someone else, which is so entirely selfish anyway. i guess i am back to the same thing i was complaining about last night. i hate listening to someone bitch about the same damned thing day after day after day... they're still dwelling on it, and it's their own fault. move the fuck on. it is NEVER that big of a deal, especially when you're in high school. this little period of our lives means next to nothing in the long-run. (no wonder i do so shitty in school.) even if they're not bitching persay, it feels so pathetic that one person can revolve around another person/concept like that. i don't know. but you people have to clue me in on what my major one is so that i won't talk about it as much. because i hate that shit.

i can't believe jenny and brock are off learning to drive without me. what the fuck is wrong with me? laylee where are you? i am going to be bumming till i die. i'm going to die begging for a ride, paper cup in hand.

have you guys ever watched those special mata buses load? people usally just get annoyed at them for blocking up a lane and taking forever to get out of the way. today we were at a red light next to one, while this old woman was being lifted into the bus on that little platform thing. the driver guy who was helping her noticed me watching him and smiled. it was very nice.
mom got off work late, so by the time we got to central, there was basically no one there. so now she's just even more upset. perfect.
i'm trying to read the sun also rises and remember what the hell else i am supposed to be doing with my existence. go figure.

listening to: switchblade kittens - ode to harry potter
(again, morgan is playing this in the other room. how cute.)

THIS WEEK:
read that damned book
burn cds for brock
package for brandon
record with becca
edit with katherine
film film film anything that exists
eat cheese
learn to drive
rock it to the moon

today was better than i expected it to be. as i was walking into the building this morning, brock attacked me, and we stood and watched the rain for a long time. it was nice. alice talked to us for a little while, too. i like alice. i would like to know her better and get to see her once in a while.
i had a craving for edam cheese all day long, which has not yet been satiated because i'm waiting to go take a shower first... i don't know why.
therapy last night was not as bad as i thought it would be, either. it was still pretty bad, though. now i have these goal things that are supposed to make me responsible. i am in trouble with mom because i somehow missed the deadline for psat signups. i know, i know. it's really dumb. i knew people were paying and everything, i just figured there would be a huge production of "THIS IS YOUR LAST DAY" and i'd do it then. but there wasn't. damn. now i have to take it at central, which means mom is mad at white station, and REALLY REALLY mad at me. she thinks that it's a sign i don't give a damn about school and college. she was like "well, you can just get a job and pay for it yourself if you care about it." and i'm already in her un-good graces. it's not cool.
which means that i'm definitely not going to be able to see peaches tonight... oh well, i can still ask. (dream.) but even if she said yes, who the fuck is coming with me?! you motherfuckers need to get on top of this. okay.
oh yeah, in thinking about crazy shit with my parents, i remembered that on saturday i was annoyed at dad and he got all upset and then he tried to turn it fucking moist or something. "we never talk anymore, we used to get along, blah blah blah" so i just sat there and didn't say anything, and then i left. i can't explain it. everybody thinks i'm really mean to him, which i guess i am. but he really gets on my nerves. he doesn't remember anything i say, or anything he says to me, so there's no point in talking to him at all. he has no understanding of privacy or anything at all. i swear to god, when brock and robin were over, he was listening (and RESPONDING, which is worse) to our conversation the ENTIRE night, no matter what part of the house he was in. sometimes we couldn't really hear him, so i just ignord the muffled shouts. but it really pissed me off. obviously.
and now i'm feeling really rotten. (the sun also rises. aha. yes. test on thursday and i got the book last night. genius me.)
so i will go take my shower, and eat some cheese, and take some pain-killers, and actually attempt to start my homework before 8pm. woosh!

oh yeah, becca's show date is being moved... change your plans for friday night.
fuck today.
i fucking hate bitching. shut the fuck up, people.

LOBSTER MAGNET

doy is acting nuts. i don't know what's up, but i think it's blogger's problem? damn it. i hate it when things act nuts.
last night, brock come over and we had some sonic quisine. brock refused to look at my reese's blast. it's too bad, that shit is the best. we were like "we have to DO something tonight!!!" but it is so much harder than it sounds, shit. we walked back home and i made him watch "much finer" and the awesome yeah yeah yeahs "maps" video. we read some blogs, talked to brandon. then we were like "SHIT WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!" we thought it would be really cool to see alice, because we never get to hang out with her. but we don't have her phone number. we called margaret, but she didn't pick up her cellie. and then we sat there for a while and thought about who we knew. jenny and elizabeth are/were in atlanta, and brock forgot HAHA. so we called ROBIN. it was awesome. we went and picked her up, and the three of us basically sat around my house and ate pizza. geez how boring are we? oh well. brock's mom came to pick him up at 10 something and we all stood around and talked abotu pets for a really long time. (brock's mom said robin is cute and has nice teeth. jesus, what does she say about me?! "gawd, brock why do you associate with that ugly, bad-teeth girl?") then robin's mom came and we did the same thing. it was relaly funny. it was a nice night, though. robin had fun watching old movie clips i have on my computer, of us just hanging out at school and stuff. she said we should start to film a lot more, like we used to. that would be nice. but i need more tapes. i should've showed her that stuff from last weekend HAHAH. that was hella funny.
today is blegh sunday-esque day. i really hate sundays. i dance in misery. hahahahhahaha. no, really, i sit around and think about everything i am supposed to be doing (i.e. homework) and then end up thinking about everything i wish i was doing (i.e. hanging out with kids) and end up with this absolutely disgusting medium of just sitting around doing nothing. it's sad.
katherine was supposed to come over and edit again today, but she can't because she doesn't have enough work done... i hate our lives.

listening to: the yeah yeah yeahs - maps
(morgan is listening to it in the other room... i think i have gotten her hooked. i am the best older sister.)

this is so strange.... i never, ever, ever, ever, ever cry, right?
but the last couple sundays, the strangest things have made me pseduo-cry... i just watched the video for "haunted by a stranger" by mogwai and my eyes are wet. last sunday, i nearly fell apart while listening to "limbo" by throwing muses. weird that art has more of an effect on me than anything personal. i don't know what the fuck is up. but jesus christ, that is one sad video.
now i just feel pathetic.