standing there
she did not see me
i smiled
those five seconds made my day complete
my arm has been around her
my head has lain on her shoulder
her arm has been around my waist
her head has lain in my lap
her face close foreheads touch
her hair in my hands
we sure fooled them
people in the store, street, cars
people that know us
people like me
how could i have known that this is
just how it goes
she is glad to have someone who
doesn't mind being hugged
while i am glad to have someone who
doesn't mind touching me
enjoys being near me
likes my loose arms light weight
turns out i forgot to pack my brain again
turns out i forgot to think
i was supposed to remember
that could never happen
love does not fit me
i may have fit within her arms
she may have fit in mine
but i do not get love
i wouldn't call it attraction
it was all possibility
and newness
the beginning of something
spring
and i love her presence that much
enough to think about her lips
my hands in her hair
counting each other's feathers
it's sick, i know
because she never though of me that way
2 girls
we could have been beautiful
yeah
i guess it's nice to know
that those 2 ok
that they are what they have been
stubborn and marching on
in her eyes, at least
did she also leave her brain at home?
i wish she had
our minds could have nested together forever
with us (without) happily delusional
so
i feel deceived
thinking back...
what was said?
same as what she says to them
the lanka girls with boyfriends
the guys who do not date
the gay boys she dances with
she knows they all want her
i am no different
left my brain off
left it out and it's melting
i wish we could say that
it is she who has been wrong
what were you thinking?
and what took you so long
to see it? see me? see us?
i can't say anything.
there was nothing to see.
there was nothing to show.
sick and she is happy
sick for wasting the words
sick i am missing something and i need it bad
i want to be fully consumed
for her to look at me
say "this is where we came from
and this is where we are
this is what we feel so
we could learn to fly."
and we will look it in the eye
we could go back to everything
just how it has been
with arms and smiling bodies
if she will tell me how to see
my arm does not belong there
my head can not rest here
there is no room for me
i cannot convince her
but i am trying

i was illusioning myself
i should have known better somehow
that is just you being you
and me being wishful
you already have him
and all of them
you already have love
what was i thinking:
you glowed in those moments
fucking beautiful
and i could shine
but here i go again
i really don't know what to think
what's going on in my head
don't know why i get upset over something so small
don't know why my movement is too wrong inappropriate
don't know why
i need to not be this
don't know why
i need you to be around
don't know what's left to say
that is just you being beautiful
and me being stained
bring on another knife
if i ask you will say no
but you will stick it in
all the same
stupid still
i am asking too much

Frozen Heart--
it's been said before
so i'm not going to say it
i am sick of being so fucking trite
i need new words for old feelings
i need new ideas for someone stuck
it's sickening that i am jealous
happening again and again
i can't stand myself
my own thoughts
i wanted that and that was there
i needed it and it was there
i don't know what happened to the list i made
all i know is that there are so many more things on it
i've misplaced it somehow
and things are not turning out so well
only all in my head.
only some of the time.
she told me it's just hormones
god i hope she is right
i don't need to be even more messed up

Daily Horoscope for Aquarius on February 17, 2003
If you are worried about someone close to you, make sure that the problem has not become exaggerated in your own mind.You could be hearing conflicting reports that make the situation seem worse than it really is. Depressing people are not good sources of information.

I must say, sometimes these things are damn accurate.

You are Louise Brooks: sassy, smart, and oh so
cool! You are a trend-setter and probably have
a quick wit! You rock!


Which Silent Actress are You?
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wow! my second video project for school in a week! that is pretty impressive, if i do say so myself. unfortunately, however, the video is not. ermmm i editted it just now... i didn't film it, the girl who used my camera clicked the damn zoom thingie through the whole thing and it drives me insane. that's okay, she needed something to do in the project i guess. watch it.

my cat is five years old!!!!

we got her from House of Mews, which means she was a stray and the exact date of her birth is unknown but it is sometime in the first couple weeks of february. today, valentine's day, is the end of the first couple weeks of february so i picked a holiday to be her birthday.

happy birthday, silver sehkmet shadow moon!

You are a Dubliner.


What's your Inner European?
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congrats!! your a stereo-typical indie fuck! your
nothin big nor special but still an indie fuck.
you are still into yourself more then anyone
else and look so damm fine. you dont get much
women but just enough to listen to a couple bad
emo records. you need a keyboard.


what type of indie fuck are you?
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You are a freeform writer. Individualistic with a
sense for the different and challenging, Walt
Whitman and his poetry lacking meter and rhyme
is just what the doctor ordered. You're quick
to write something that the rest of the world
doesn't accept as poetry, quick to separate
yourself from the average joe. An author with a
true sense of self, you have confidence in your
abilities and aren't afraid to show it. :) GO
YOU!


What's YOUR Writing Style?
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You think you're deep, tortured and misunderstood.
You're not, you're just incoherent and a bit
silly. Now you know.


What Lord of the Rings engrish subtitle are you?
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last night my lovely family helped me make a video for my mythology class. it is pretty crap but you can watch it here. it's a sort of retold version of this myth and pretty much all you have to know is that the god Pan, who has goat legs and horns, falls in love with Hercules' girlfriend.



and my dad just referred to DYKWYCA as Do You Know Completely Where Your Children Might Be Doing Things?

i've been to three weddings
i think.
i was a bride's maid at age 6.
the flower girls tipped their baskets over
at the end of the long
l    o    n    g
long walk down the aisle in
my grandmother's backyard.
the pictures show all of us
laughing with the wind
kicking up our dresses.
all i remember
about my second wedding is long
l    o    n    g
long talk and i looked down
when he was allowed to kiss her.
my co-, ex- bride's maid gets
too much chicken.
my grandmother sends her back to
the buffet table
to put it all back.
maybe it was my co-, ex- bride's
maid's second wedding too.
maybe she felt too much like a convict
released from jail or
maybe it felt like
her last meal
before we grew up
and were pushed from the foreground.
my third wedding years later
(so many years for me
but i can hold them in my hands)
it has been such a long
l    o    n    g
long time and i dont know what i want
or what to wear
i wish for
my grandmother's itch persistence
she would have made me match
made me fit
but instead i go feeling like myself
--comfortable--
it is a wrong choice.
i am out of place and
i don't know anyone and
now that i am listening to the ceremony,
i don't agree.
i feel too wrong to sit at the tables
during the reception.
i am too naked to drink a glass of punch
or to eat all the chicken.
theif ex-convict sits in chair against wall
--uncomfortable--
wrong.
pushed to the background
by time
and me.
when i was the one carrying the flowers,
i had ideas.
ideals. dreams and plans and futures.
i would take another long walk in
an itchy dress
and make my grandmother proud.
some time in between the chicken
and the aisle
i would become clarissa and explain it all
i was guaranteed love and friends
with exactly right wacky clothes.
i think TV made it look too easy
i let everything go
and look at that
i ended up in the background
back here where there are
NO long walks
NO happy endings
NO fairytale kisses
some day my prince will come
so they say.
when he does i'll most likely push him out the window
it's not that i enjoy life more from inside the tower
against the wall
but i have got it down so well

which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)

just thought this was interesting... i got witch baby the first time ("you're wild and mysterious you often feel like you do not belong")
i think i got weetzie because i put answers about having friends and being surrounded in love. what can i say except "thanks, genie."

furiousXgeorgeX: you're not a nice girl. or a weird guy. you're just an abusive tyrant

happy birthday to me

sick day and it's absolutely terrible.

Accountability

She counted on those people to be there. It was like that trust game. The one where you fell backward and someone would be there to catch you always. That kind of crushing trust.
She'd been floating with this certain flock of swans. They would float along the water and look so nice that nobody else could make a sound. It was like trust. When she fell there was no one there to catch her. Her backwards swan dive left her cold on pavement alone in tears. Floating she was. Flock long gone she took to the sky in search of something solid. I think that she and the rest of the visitors to that ghost realm could tell you now. "Never go looking for solidity in the sky. Those clouds can't support you with your heavy dreams." But I think it was nice while it lasted.
She needed people to count on. Swans. "I am learning," she said, "that I can only count on myself." And that much was true, and a lot of things are true. Like quests are where she's headed because water and air can't hold her. She is going to the city. Solid city hard and beautiful full of bricks for her. Full and there is someone waiting to be counted on.

once time fell
and in the early we rang through
trees not noisy we are
dancing windless milky brain
with spin planet collide in eyes
space high we fly
flat plastered to sticky sky
floating stuck
and ride against night
on black
bareback

i want a genie. it's true. actually i have been looking for my goddamn genie for quite a while now. my wishes were to be surrounded in love all the time and to see the beauty of the world. i'm kind of upset because my wishes have, in part, come true but i didn't get to actually meet my genie. who am i going to thank? i don't have an address to send thank-you cards to. what number do i call up and say “ever since you saved me, my life has been exploding into constant fireworks and can we go out for coffee some time?” not only do i want to have some serious discussion with my genie about why my wishes didn't come true sooner, i want to beg for some more. since my genie doesn't seem to be coming any time soon, i will use this time and this space to extend a verbal cry into the universe: genie, you have shown me the beauty of the world and you have surrounded me with love and beings i would never have dreamed. but genie, where is the beautiful house for us all to live in? where is our paradise in the LA hills where we will grow our own food and sew our own clothes and make beautiful music and create movies to celebrate life? where are our secret agent lovers? genie, i know this is a difficult prescription so i will give you a few more years to fill the order but i am waiting and i am counting on you. until then let me bask in the glow of everything i have found.

by appearing from nothing
you made me remember
and you made me dumb
tense
awkward
my bubble i was loving it
loving in it
my bubble caved away and i am
naked in the open now
does that make you happy?
because you kept smiling
so I'm Hitler laughing nervously
you came here on your mighty, white steed
with a pistol by your side
and how does Hitler react?
hahaha thanks so much
and that's a mighty fine face you've got on
you helped me forget love
again.
but this time it was three minutes not
three years
we have become simpler and simpler
i keep finding little moments to represent
us. together.
but
doesn't this beat all?
doesn't this? you beat me
over and over this time
three minutes
i struck one hard
i hope because
i'm left with almost no confidence
but in an hour or so i will be
in the presence of people i love
because i am loved and there's nothing
you can do about it
tell me what you will
i am alive!
so you think i'm vicious?
i feel!
LOVE and you can't stop it
so i destroyed some little person's dream?
i want to build for big beauty
and i can
and i will
i am building for big beauty
and it is mighty
and i am fine

it is hard to be mad at the world anymore
this place seems too beautiful
what happened?
if i was ever an elitist
i guess i am not now
i have changed
what you like doesn't always effect
what you're like
i am not sorry i am different
there's only one person who would be offended
and she is gone now

today was the first day back to school from winter break... it was veeerrrrrryyyyy long. the only new class i have this semester is mythology, which should be better than etymology. i wish that laylee was coming to white station. i can just imagine her being in my lunch.
bad lunch news: christie and margaret have gone, lauren ricks and casey o'rouke have entered.
good lunch news: lauren dunn, katherine dohan, and brock have come!
after school brock and i had a hopping contest but he won because he is far too tall and i am far too short and so i died.