future dreams

looking into mfa stuff again/finally. i was thinking -- i could go to U of M for free and get an MFA and damn wouldn't that be rad. several things sound cool, of course. classes always look fun from the outside -- creative writing. lit. anything art related, really. but also, what's the thing that's kept me from going back to school all this time?? A PLAN for afterwards. i don't want to be lost at sea again after getting a degree. (but you're already lost at sea. how could it get worse?) well i guess i don't know. BUT i think even a little nut of a plan is better than nuthing.

so what i had thought was -- MFA in theatre, with concentration in Directing. that's 3 years. meanwhile, get certified through the North American Drama Therapy Association so i could get a licensed drama therapist when i get done with school. and then????

i like to imagine myself teaching pochinko someday. or combining the pochinko work with other stuff to make it more therapeutic.... somehow. but honestly this is the big blank spot right now. i started getting distracted looking at other programs -- would Expressive Arts Therapy be better/more inclusive than just Drama therapy??? or does it really matter, if i'm just gonna be making up my own weird shit anyways? do i need a Creative Arts Therapy degree?? or even counseling? UGH i dont fucking want to study that. i ALREADY KNOW how to tap into something intuitive that isn't something that can be taught.

or why do i feel like i even need to bring the therapist certification into it? (i mean that would be pretty cool. because i've wanted to do that for forever and been irritated that i have to subscribe to a weird fucking broken system in order to provide that service to people. that's a bunch of bullshit. so yeah, fuck that, i'm obviously not going to study counseling, but maybe the cert actually is cool.) ON THE OTHER HAND what happened to the idea of studying performance itself? i guess a while ago i had been thinking, it sure would be bullshit for me to become a teacher (therapist??) without knowing more about wtf i am talking about. those ideas: Dell'Arte, Manitoba clown farm, Pigiron, Emerge NYC.... others? more physical theatre schools? clowning programs? (who am i kidding, i am a slug who can't move my body at all these days.)

so yes the web gets bigger and i get mixed up again. what do i want it to look like AFTER the training, whatever that is? yes i want to perform again/ever. that's exciting to me. but it isn't the whole picture. the bigger picture includes workshops, healing arts, spirituality. a studio or a school or something - a COMMUNITY. i think i want some kind of credentials just to make myself seem (and feel) more real, and be able to ask for money for my services without feeling like a total tool. also the thing about school would be a great opportunity for learning and REFOCUSING on what i value about all this stuff and oh my gosh it would just be so fun. now that i'm thinking about it, i do like the idea of doing drama rather than "expressive arts" because it would be fucking rad to feel even vaguely like an expert in something. (and also, i looked at one lady's website and just remembered with a crushing roar how squishy and boring a lot of this shit probably is. painting your feelings and shit. i mean, yeah it's good to do that, but it's not rad enough for me. those white ladies can teach that shit. i don't want to study with them!!!! sorry!!!!)

well it seems like the big answer here is that i want TO WORK FOR MYSELF. either having a business/school/collective whatever.... or working by contract for organizations or whatnot. does that make sense? or i could keep hanging around in academia..... it would be fucking awesome to work on research projects or books or something. i want to write a fucking book. i want to write a show. i don't want to be a professor, i don't think. i am imagining public education... or yeah, how does the therapy thing come into it? i think that's the part that feels exciting and gives the potential for experimentation. but i should probably learn more about what the fuck it actually means. will i be more boxed in than i am currently imagining? is there someone certified in memphis that i could talk to?

i just went on a long side quest trying to find people here (v---- m----, founder of pback memphis, duh) and then going down a "play therapy" wormhole and da da da. that stuff always rings a bell for me with the name - oh! play therapy! expressive arts therapy! yes! but then, as with most things in the world, it doesn't look like what i think it sounds like.... maybe that's the thing. maybe i gotta make MY OWN TECHNIQUE. and maybe that means - do the basic degree and keep it loose. maybe i'm thinking too far ahead.

except that the whole point of writing all this was to try to visualize what it would look like and what i do want to see in my future where i'm a badass theatre therapy person.
--to present another way to be, as me, to show how to be a different kind of body
--to bring people under the table, to create another world together
--learn how to be fully present in a moment and let my body ride the wave
--performing as roadkill ghost

random ideas i've had in the past that i should be remembering and compiling:
--clown class for queer/trans people
--clowning/play to process trauma -- the positive kind of dissociation, not "psychodrama"


i don't even know. it feel so incomplete. it feels so far away, these random notes from years ago now. ugh i'm so off track. maybe that's all i need to worry about right now-- getting back on track and what does that look like? if i get to reinvent myself, who do i want to be?

gotta talk to john at hte clown farm.
gotta at least do this mfa app????????? figure out deadlines.
RECOMMENDATIONS.
i should probably just call holly l.....
getting on track?! i don't know. something. just do SOMETHING.