sad ask drafts

this morning after pages i was feeling some momentum to get some stuff done... SSC stuff in that moment, but with the intention of writing later and maybe even doing this fundraising ask, or a sideways one, or something. jerel came in and asked, did i see that the class was full. no. what? they just checked the website, or i guess i had left the tab open on their laptop. beth maiden's alternative tarot course is officially full. i was planning to email her today, to at least explain my situation and see if she could give me a discount or set up a payment plan or SOMETHING. but i waited too long. hesitated. let everyone else's voices get in my fucking head. i hate this. so of course i immediately turned all grumpy. it does'nt help that i'm bleeding right now. that was about 2 or 3 hours ago, now, and i'm still grumpy. but i felt determined to keep my plan to write instead of sinking into some video game wormhole or something. i will have time for that tonight, because i've already decided i'm not going anywhere.
i was supposed to be taking a break from SSC for a couple days, but i couldn't do it. i don't feel that i'm allowed to do it. i remembered we have a meeting scheduled for monday, and unless i explicilty ask people to come prepared, they won't be. to ask them to come prepared means organizing music files and making sure all the lyrics are easy to find and read and writing a nice but firm email and.... anyway it takes a while. nothing is simple.
now i'm trying to "relax" with dr pepper and indie pop in the living room, keyculating away. damn i love this thing. should've written more songs on here. maybe can still write some dialogue on it.
i'm sad about the movie. i just wanted a break after the big writing meetings on sunday and monday. but then had to finish that grant on tuesday and wednesday. did i get a break yesterday? perhaps! ....nah i was listening ot the "fast travel" demo and considering what kind of feedback i should give to kat, if any. she doesn't have any specific questions so, i'm wondering if i should just let it be, although there's plenty of feedback i COULD give. mainly, that she's added so many breakdowns that it doesn't even feel like a patter song anymore. i feel like she's getting carried away with all these songs, making them fun for herself (which is good) but forgetting how they are suppoed to function in the story and on screen. and this one is now five minutes long! holy shit that's too long!
i just want to get this damn movie out of my head for two seconds without having to stuff another story in there. can i not be in my own mind????
what was i even wanting to say. i don't know. i had been thinking about writing a facebook post but now it feels really emo. maybe i'll try. what do i even want to say?

artist friends, how do you do it? how do you stay motivated and continue to make work in this hell world, how do you find the time and the energy and the money?
i pick up shit "for a living." i sell my labor to the medical school and to pet parents. i work unpaid 30 hours a week as director/producer of a short film. i cannot ask the rest of the crew to be this dedicated. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO SAY.
i guess what i had wanted to say was a roundabout way of asking for money. ohyeah.

so i recently had to turn down the opportunity to take a course i was really exicted about because of a lack of time and funds. even if i could have paid for the course itself, i don't feel like i would've had the time/energy to commit to it, between my various gigs and the unpaid (constant, ocassionally fun) work i do making SPACE SUBMARINE COMMANDER.
between my various jobs, paid and unpaid.
i'm frustrated and i don't know how to fix this. i don't even want ot talk to facebook. i miss the old internet.

i miss my blog and the old internet. i just don't feel like i can share the same way on facebook. writing on here feels like trying to tell secrets through a megaphone in a crowded cafeteria lit by 100000 fluorescent lights and i'm sick of it! i'm sick of a lot of things. one of those things is feeling like i'm working all the time and still broke and that much of that work goes unseen. so taking all that into consideration, i'm considering starting a patreon. my intention is to use it kind of like my old blog, with rambly writing and links to Good Art and Music, with the addition of updates about SPACE SUBMAIRNE COMMANDER, tarot and other witchy stuff, and hopefully some clown/performance sketches. heck, i'm even thinking of restarting my penpal project! The Art Party could come be reborn!!!
I DONT KNOW i want to do it all, yall. and i have been struggling to figure out HOW and WHERE and all that. i wonder if patreon would be a good space for all these things to come together. if i did such a thing, would anyone be interested in subscribing? thinking of starting at $1 and going up to $20 or something. what kind of posts would you be most excited to see?