Every damn time I'm at the Keep, I have to sneak upstairs to cry. For years I've barely cried, and yet after a couple days in this place, something breaks, without fail, every time I've visited since August. Maybe it's because being here feels like I'm back in middle school, except I'm forced to live with a clique that doesn't want me. Right across teh table from me, Feonix tells Maddie + Juliette that they're "cool," there's an "invite only" party she wants them to come to with her. She's 10 inches away from me and I'm invisible. Are we 13 or 30?
Today Laura Mittens invited her friends over for brunch. They seem cool + queer + kinda dorky. They're arriving slowly + I make small talk in the kitchen while Laura finishes the food. She never invites me to join, so I assume it's friends-only and that's perfectly fine. The other Keepers trail in + join the table without hesitation or introduction. I hang back in the kitchen, "Oh don't worry about it, I'll make more coffee." Laura says thanks, but it's not an invitation, which is fine. I will eat the dumpster bagel and look at my phone. Pretty sure I'm invisible. Until Steve comes up and loudly asks me to join, overdoing it completely. "In fact, I'd love for you to join us," and I just mutter and stammer, wanting to say "But Laura didn't ask me" but not wanting him to pressure her too. Plus we were supposed to do an interview before the next afternoon event, although this seems increasingly unlikely. Maybe the best thing would be to sit down for a minute. But a quick walk by reveals a full table with maybe one empty chair covered by a coat - looks claimed to me. I continue to the nearby couch, but after a short minute, catch Laura's eye, an awkward look, and I have to leave. Take your coffee + your uncool back to the garret and cry alone again.
I've never been too worried about being liked by everyone. I keep on crying, but I think it's a combination of middle school trauma flashbacks, loneliness, and travel fatigue. That old familiar feeling: They don't even know me. How can they.....?
Maybe I can't blame them for that, as I shift and tilt and recalibrate for each new place I land, trying to shift to fit. It always seemed to make sense but here at the end I feel phony + pathetic. Maybe I do need to channel middle school to remember where I come from + who I am. Unshakeable dork. A reminder of values and a commitment to not waste any more time. It's already so late.
Maybe it's best to be alone.