haven't posted in a while... yep, i still suck at this. i'm not even going to try to catch you kids up this time. only.. morgan's home now, papa came to take grandma home, and they're gone. brock and elise are at writing camp. i got to see them on saturday night and i had the best time i have had in a forever. it was amazingly great. other news... this week is slow, which is good since it's summer, but sad since i kind of want it to be over. becca just got back in town tonight, and i haven't seen her yet. actually haven't seen her for a week. last tuesday, we were going to go see "dancer in the dark" at the media co-op workshop, but kevin and laylee came to get me way too late. so we ended up just going to get becca and daniell. we went to shnucks (maybe? some grocery store.) to get macaroni, because it was something that laylee and i could both eat. (her tonsilitis was hurting, and my ortho teeth were hurting.) so we took it back to her house where i made it for us, and hten we sat around and watched tv. theeenn we had a marvelous jam session in which becca tried to teach kevin to play (strum) guitar, but it was pretty unsuccessful, i think. so she ended up just playing, and i played a little drum. thennn kevin took my drum, and jammed with becca as she played her new song a couple times. i attempted to chime in (haha literally) with the thumb squash piano, but it was pretty shitty so i cut out. then becca got some bongos, kevin had the little drum, and i had a drum that i was hitting with something i THOUGHT was a mallet, which turned out not to be a mallet, and i brutally broke it. but the drum session was lovely. then becca and daniell gave laylee hickies while kevin and i were jealous on the couch. i filmed it though. but i wasn't supposed to really be going past-y with this... i haven't been going out or anything. in fact, there was that last tuesday, and then open-mic, and then saturday (which was AMAZING, as stated) but aside from that i've not really been out until today. zoë came to get me at about 3 or so, and we got dropped off at java. we ran around cooper-young taking pictures of things, which i hope came out. it was reeeeeally hot outside, and i ran though some people's sprinkler. we ended up back at java cabana (air conditioner), which was lucky, because shortly after we got there, i saw laylee and daniell getting out of their car! so i RAN across the street and tackled them and it was lovely. they came and sat around for a while, then we walked to the first congo parking lot to take more pcitures. of course, at that point, we discovered that they were all used up, so we couldnt try the lovely shots we'd wanted to. buttttt morgan fox was in the parking lot! and he whistled to us so i ran over, and he invited us to be in a movie!!!! i was about to jump all over that, but zoë's mom appeared right at that second. it made me SO FUCKING SAD, and i feel like a fool. if it had been someone else, i wouldve been like "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WE ARE DOING THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW OKAY MUTAHFUCKASSS" but i couldnt do that to her mom... it sucked. so we went to sekisui where i had the first sushi of my life, and hated it. california rolls can bite my ass. so i was really not liking being there or... anything. i DID like watching the little sushi bar boat go around and around, that was fun as hell. i wrote things like "think global, act loco" and "believe in dreams" on sugar packets, and put them on the little boats in hopes that people would take them out and be happy. i don't know, i don't think it worked. but after a while, we left and went to zoë's house. we sat around and talked for a while, and then we went to neil's around 8:30 (fashionably late hohoho) to see her friend ben's band play. they were fun. kinda jammy, some of the time, but the best things they played were their originals. the ones with lyrics. they DID play "i feel good" which was very happy. i danced and danced, but these people are tight-asses and nobody else danced. it was weird because the band members' parents (and their friends!!) were there and it was a really weird crowd. kinda like all those kids had to watch their backs the whole time, because either their parents or somebody that their parents know were all there. a couple kids from my school were there (including mr. pink pants at the talent show) but nobody i talk to. ben was cute, and he made me happy. his band made like $300 in tips, or something. fucking rich parent assholes. that's what you get for going to lausanne and inviting your parents to your show, i guess. i would rather play for a crowd that DANCED, not paid. iiii hope the band members saw me and zoë dancing together and said "i wish kids did that at EVERY show." muthafuckas. anyway. oh yeah, before the show, we dropped off my roll of film at walgreen's, and who was there but JONATHAN from country spacecraft ballerina!! it was really happy, and he said he would definitely do the next show. he was sad that he missed here and now, and he said he would've worn a wig to be in it. i love the man. i had a pretty good day... zoë invited me to spend the night, but i reeeeally wasn't up for it. she isn't really somebody that i can spend 31093750735 hours with, though i love her and everything. so i came back home and here i am. i wish there was something else for me to say that was interesting... but not really. sorry, faithful readers (HAHAHA).
i smell like fags.
...
ciggies, that is. i don't mind. i don't mind smelling like cigarettes or pot from a concert, because it reminds me of concerts. mmm i don't mind this smell at all. i have nothing but good memories from it. is that disturbing? watch me start smoking just so that i can think about music. how pathetic! black lung, here i come.

listening to: transplants - diamonds and guns

thursday night went pretty well. mom had to take me to java early so that she could take her nap before she went back to the hospital. so i sat outside for a while with ana while she smoked, which was a pretty good thing i guess, since elizabeth, jenny, and lauren d. happened to drive by. so they stopped (forgetting that it was open-mic) and stayed for the whole time. there was a slightly weird vibe since some of the regulars (amber, brock, elise) weren't there and some middle-aged non-regulars were... but val from bella sun was there too! so yay for that. and a weird woman was working, and i didn't really like her, and she didn't know how much pop-tarts were. zoë, daniell and becca came eventually, and that was wonderful. becca spent most of hte time outside jamming with michael, and by the time they came in to play, the weird worker woman turned the mic off. i didn't like her. so michael and becca played "across the universe" on the sidewalk outside, afterwards. all in all, it was a pretty slow night, but i had an okay time. it was really nice seeing jenny, lauren, and elizabeth. and it was even better just getting out of the house. mom made me come home straight afterwards though. oh well. when i got home i... sat around and ate ice cream, i guess. that is all i ever do. also, laylee found out that she had tonsilitis. she's not getting them removed, she just has to drink goo. poor dear, i love her.
friday (yesterday) i sat around. then dad took me to the orthodontist, which was hell. i won't go into the details of it, but basically my mouth is in incredible pain. so afterwards, dad took me to turtle's where i bought a CD. then he bought me a chocolate brownie frappuccino at starbucks next door, because my teeth hurt and something nice and cold and swooshy is nice to drink. then i MADE him listen to my cd, because i hate the way he listens to music now. he doesn't like music, he likes CDs. he doesn't like bands, he likes songs. i hate it. anyway. we came home and i sat around for a while. then dad and i went to the hospital to help bring morgan home. we were sitting there and then the doctors decided that she shouldn't come home yet and she needed another catscan. it was crazy. so dad bought us some backyard burger food and milkshakes, which we ate. mom brought me home around 7:30 and i just sat here for the rest of the night. way to spend friday the 13th, i know. i went to bed earlier than normal because i had such a long night, just sitting around. actually i tried to go to bed around 1:15, but i didnt fall asleep until after 2. so that sucked.
i woke up after 11:30 (AGAIN) so i guess i needed to catch up on some sleep. i took a shower for the first time in years, and (believe it or not) SAT AROUND for a while. laylee called me, and i love her. i am expecting to hear from brock and/or elise sooner or later, to let me know that they are home from bridge builders, and see if we are making plans. i intend to go to the media co-op movie(s) tonight, and i want to know what is going on. right now i'm trying to eat hot dogs but my teeth really hurt. okay.

THE BEST ALBUM COVER OF ALL FUCKING TIME!!!!!!

i feel like i should start writing in here again, because if i don't talk about my days, they don't exist anymore... so let's see. a little background information before i begin this week. on the last day of school (wednesday, may 28) my lovely sister morgan was admitted to the hospital with a ruptured appendix. the new procedure thing is that they don't take it out right away. they send the kid home with an IV pick, and they come back six weeks later for surgery. so she came home that saturday (i think) and was admitted back to the hospital by tuesday or wednesday, because she wasn't healing right. (the same day that she was taken back, my aunt, cousin, and grandmother came from south georgia to help take care of her.) the doctors found an abscess, and had to drain that away. she's been at the hospital ever since. my aunt jenny and cousin rachel went back to georgia on saturday, but grandma stayed and she has been here ever since. okay.
so on sunday night, elise IMed me late at night to tell me that she and brock weren't going to be gone for the 1 week of bridgebuilders they'd thought, and that they were actually going to be gone for 3 weeks, because of this writing camp at rhodes, that before now she hadn't realized was an overnight thingie. so it was very sad. and we went to bed.
on monday, grandma woke me up to tell me i had a phone call, and it was becca!! who i love. so it took us forever to actually make a plan but eventually, sarah came and picked us up. we got peaches, rolls, and a rose for morgan (thank you, shnucks and easy way) and went to the hospital. becca improvized a song using a poem that i had written for morgan on the first day she was in the hospital and she also played her own classic "shallow." we didn't really get to hang out for very long because mom kicked us out. i asked if i could go hang out at laylee's, but mom said no because she wanted me to go home and spend time with my grandmother. i didn't understand, because i knew that it would just end up me in here on the computer and grandma cleaning something elsewhere. but mom made me go home. so i got out of the car and everything, and right after i came in, the doorbell rang. and there was becca! sarah had had to go to a pilades class, and didn't really have time to take becca home, so she just hung out with me for a while. so she looked at my CDs and we hung up lights and talked and it was lovely and i love becca forever. daniell and laylee came to pick her up, and we stood around for a few minutes eating cheez-its and watching brock's Cribs. then they left (because i wasn't allowed to go out) and nothing else interesting happened that night.
tuesday.. wow this is really reaching to go back so far in my memory. i can't remember anything about tuesday. oh oh. so literally like 10 seconds after i woke up, zoë called and asked if we could get together and talk/work on her movie idea thingie. so i went over to her house for only a few hours and then mom wanted me to come home before we even got to audition eric for the film. le sigh. (wow do you ever find yourself sitting at your computer, wearing the headphones, but not listening to anything and you dont even have iTunes/winamp/musicmatch open? damn.) i wasn't TOO disappointed, plus i was intensely tired, so i came home and sat around and then went to lie down in the bed for a while. i remembered that it was tuesday, thus the night of the media co-op workshops that i have always wanted to go to, and so i called jenny to see if she could come. she couldn't, and i didn't really want to go alone plus i was really tired, so i went to sleep. around 9:15ish laylee called and said she wanted me to come to java cabana with her. i figured nobody was going to let me out of the house that late at night, and since mom was home asleep (thank god) i called dad up at the hospital to ask if i could spend the night with laylee. after some cajoling, he said yes. around 10, kevin and becca and laylee came and got me. we drove by java cabana, but at that point it was closed so we ended up just driving around. we somehow got from lamar to some interstate kinda thing and the signs said "st. louis" or "nashville" so we choose st. louis, and kevin kidnapped us across the bridge to arkansas. we drove and drove and drove for forever until we could turn around, but it was okay because we listened to violent femmes the whole time, and becca and i put our heads out the window, into the wind. it was lovely and every night should be that kind of thing. so eventually we ended up downtown. (that seems to happen really frequently when i am cruisin with kevin.) he and laylee were sick and after a while we went to kevin's house where they took some medicine and whatnot. laylee and becca and i got to have a cuddle-fest on his bed while he fixed something on his computer and it was lovely lovely and i love them. laylee kept saying she was cold, which was why we were trying to make her warm and everything, but she felt very hot. kevin took her temperature and she has a 102.4 fever so we went home. becca and i had already made plans to spend the night with her, so after kevin dropped us off, laylee went to bed in arman's room while becca and i fell asleep to can't hardly wait. she did, anyway. i was really tired during some parts of the movie, and i would close my eyes when it wasn't characters that i liked, but after the movie ended it took me a really long time to get to sleep (it was very cold and i didn't have a blanket, and i couldnt get comfy with my pillow). and then i woke up at 5something and was up for another while longer. and then i woke up at 8 with becca, which was when she had to get up so that she could go to therapy.
oh so by now it's wednesday. uhm. so becca got out of bed at about 8:15 and i stole her blanket (laylee's sleeping bag) and closed my eyes for a while until she and laylee came in (laylee had woken up about 6, poor dear... but she no longer had a fever). after she left, laylee and i ate ice cream out of the carton for breakfast, and then we got blankets and lay on the couches in her living room and talked while listening to radiohead and neutral milk hotel. it was really lovely, like laylee. and then mimi took me home at around 11, because she is very nice and i had to be home by 12 to appease my parentals. almost as soon as i got in, grandma sent me to sonic to buy lunch for us. i knew there was no way that the folks would let me go out again, so i didn't even bother. i sat around for a while... helped grandma fold and put up clothes. it wasn't very exciting. when dad got home, we ordered pizza and bread sticks (because morgan was wanting some) and dad dropped me off at the hospital to take them to her, and switch places with mom as morgan's guardian or whatever. i felt like a damn delivery woman, and let me tell you it is difficult to carry a box of pizza and a key lime soda through a whole hospital and make it to the 7th floor and past the nurses station unnoticed. i am such a slave in this family. and the part that sucks the most is that morgan's craving for breadsticks completely disappeared after one bite. i offered her every kind of sauce they had (pizza, garlic, cheese, and ranch) but she wouldn't eat them. so we just sat there and made fun of how gross they were and i made her laugh, which just pissed her off because it hurts her to laugh. we put on totoro and dad came. morgan fell asleep before the end of totoro and stayed that way for a couple hours, while i was bored out of my mind and played solitaire forever on mom's cell phone (which, yes, she had forgotten to take with her). she finally came back to the hospital just before 11, and dad and i drove home annoyed and tired. i finished the vanilla and orange sherbet. that was about it.
today grandma (accidentally) woke me up around 11:30 (this seems to be the time that i have been waking/woken up lately). i sat around for a while, and then deb came and took me and grandma to the hospital around 2:15, so that mom could go buy pillows and hang out at tuesday morning. i played solitaire and we watched trading spaces and whatnot, because the vcr keeps going fuzzy. morgan might get to come home tomorrow and it is about damn time, in my opinion. mom came back eventually, and we hung out until about 5:30 dad came to take me and grandma back home. now i am trying to figure out how to get to open-mic, and if i get there, will anyone be there for me to hang out with? i am sick of being stuck at home, and i'm not even here as much as i normally am in summer. i guess i am just lonely.

listening to: cub - my chinchilla

From MeDiA Co-op's June/July 2003 newsletter:

Do You Know Where Your ChildrenAre Productions

-This troup of young(13yo-17yo) filmmakers are doing it DIY style, writing, shooting, directing, editing, starring in, and promoting their own short films. They even manage their own website. Watch out, none of them have graduated high school yet...some haven't even made it to high school yet, and as their work is inspiring other like minds, their troup is growing...so, as they begin to produce more work, and start taking over the streets with their renegade-style of filmmaking, encouraging you to feel, and think, confronting the world head on.....the real question is....do you know where your children are?



(IS THIS HAPPY OR WHAT!)

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>



You are Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlavi, Shah of Iran!
You are so emotional that you were known to cry
constantly and spend your days depressed in
your pajamas -- you are the only emo dictator
ever (at least you cried at your victims'
funerals).


Which relatively obscure 20th Century Dictator are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

katherine and i editted BB3 on tuesday... morgan is at the hospital with what was at first a ruptured appendix, and she went back because it has a monstrously huge absess. she is miserable so she doesn't care about movies of course. it's sad that she can't be in the play we've been working on, here & now which was last weekend and this weekend. (june 6 and 7 at 8pm, june 8 at 3pm). and uhh. plug plug plug some more. i didn't make an announcement, but blue citrus hearts made its world premiere last week. it was absolutely beautiful and very great. so. see it when it shows on june 21 at the media co-op. uhh. plug plug plug. anyway i think that is about all. we're out of school now, so hopefully we will get some stuff done finally, and we'll try to keep you posted.

(i promise this was meant to be amusing)


i stole the shirt from your closet
hope you don't mind
it was itchy, rubbing against my skin
when i tried to dance in the seat of the car
i think i spilled something on it
plus it's covered in me and my cat's hair
i sweated through the sleeves
and it was touched my bare breasts
because i hate to wear a bra at home
so now this shirt is dirty AND scandalous
because i lied--
i DIDN'T wash it
when i hung it back in your closet
the morning after

aLittleStarlight: come do my latin project

BAT5721: okay

BAT5721: i shodul get my one legged one toother dirty sluty whore AOL to do it for you

DYKWYCA is going to be one of the featured filmmakers at media co-op's film festival this year!!! we are very very very flattered and excited, and we have to hurry up and make movies to submit to the festival so that we are not ashamed with ourselves. me and dad ordered a new 120gig harddrive, and i think it should be hear some time next week. yay!!! i want to name it Petunia. i am very excited, and hopefully we will be able to edit BB3 and the crazy Sonic movie and country spacecraft ballerina and much finer and everything else that ever happened. and hopefully we'll be able to start some of the other things we've been rambling about. plus, school gets out on may 28 (seven more days!!) and we will have plenty of time to work on stuff this summer. we will try to keep you posted, and hopefully we won't just sit around like last summer. haha actually katherine and morgan and i just sat around looking at each other trying to THINK of movies for soooo much of last summer. hopefully it will be the opposite this year.

during the lunar eclipse, amber was talking to me
about how we, as women, are
connected to the moon
which is why her cat can't stop licking herself
and why my period came early
and why i feel like shit suddenly
not even chocolate can make me better this time
i tried that
and sucked down so much mocha that
i burned my tongue raw
and rediscovered that i don't like raspberry
everything that i normally find mildly annoying
or just something that happens
is magnified tonight:
the guys at the cashier talking LOUDLY over the open-mic poems
hey, you work here. you fucking host this event. shut up.
and yeah this goes to everyone:
i can't stand it when people refuse to pay attention
unless it's one of their friends reading
or they take their own poem up
that really makes me question why they want a turn anyway
they can't expect to get people's attention
i guess they just like the sound of their own words
echoing through the mike
oh, is that the case, then? how nice + selfish of you. shut up.
so tonight, because no one else would, i. shut up.
it had been going great like usual
but you know it's this damn lunar eclipse
that makes me delve into my coffee
as my people pair off
it's weird, in the middle
with familiarity still so close inside and friends across the street
amber stops blurring because for once she's standing still
lecturing me on the moon
i have had similar talks from mom and several authors
this is different from mom's abrasive loudness
and different from black print on a white page
because they've got it all wrong
the moon needs to be white print on a black night
but amber makes it okay
and paul finds a couple seconds to say a few words
before they've disappeared
that's okay, i've got Lisa Marie in my mug
and i can stare into the sky some more
and pretend not to be looking around to find out
what's going on inside, across the street
better check up and see how they are getting on without me
i ask Lisa Marie why
no matter how hard i try
we keep coming back here
and i know it is just me
and i know it's in my head
but doesn't someone notice that i'm missing?
jealous: his arms around her and teaching her to salsa
when all i get to hear him say is "stop touching me"
abandoned: she can't take the time to
string 10 words together for me
when that is all i am asking for
asking + asking + asking + i have nothing left to give
i tried to give her laughter and hugs
but my throat is just burned and empty
and my arms are just pale and empty
so she can't say i didn't try
pissed off: if making other people happy is what makes her happy
maybe she could have us on her mind a little more
and maybe when she asked "again?"
she should've stuck around for the answer
i missed a lot of what happened above the surface, back on land, tonight
i think i will only remember Lisa Marie
and maybe Laylee's lap, amazing perfect hugs, and
the most comforting words: just "i love you" over + over
because coming from her
it has to be true
and i believe her and i trust it
when it's time to go
i almost get left behind without a ride
because no one remembered to tell me when they started piling in the car
because, by that point, they didn't remember that i was even there
thanks, guys
your consideration has made my heart so happy
Lisa Marie loves you
in the car they ask in between words, like breathing up for air
backwards -- under the surface
"are you okay?" punctuating every few minutes
actually not really but what kind of question is that
and since i'm not okay why should i want to be interrogated
i appreciate the thought ––
in fact i'm glad you noticed me at all
and am i okay?
"yeah"
because questions are too complicated
and if you can't tell
then you can't help
it's easy for me to blame this on the eclipse, you know
a weird spell, never again, etc.
but wouldn't i be lying, at least in part?
because i'm too familiar with this place
to pretend that a natural phenomenon alone can send me here
look how dirty the welcome mat is
where i cried tears in my head that will not come for my eyes, will not comfort me
look at the paint chipping off
where i threw lamps and plates at the walls, like in a movie
look at the deep dent in the big couch
where i sit in my mind all alone every day
and i am fully aware that i'm exaggerating
i guess my friends love me
but right now, with the doors closed and the windows sealed, i can't remember
and no one has knocked yet to get in

she was trying to tell me
about this certain kind of Hebrew flower
whose name she had misplaced
she had it written down but
she took it out of the pocket
of the jeans she decided not to wear
and she put on this white dress instead
and she forgot to zip it up
so i noticed her white slip underneath
before i offered my stumbling hands
to the aid of her exposed side
she had forgotten the name of this Hebrew flower
because she didn't think
she'd be encountering one tonight
she said this flower hardly ever blossoms
rarely -- so it's an event when it finally does
she didn't really describe it except
that it's so beautiful
so beautiful
she said i was like that flower
and sensing a running theme for this month
i wanted to laugh
but instead i hugged her
because it means so much that she would say so
and she (so beautiful) means so much to me
i wish i could tell you about how she is
a smiling star in white cast on the cliffs
of everything wrong in the world
but she keeps shining every night
she always comes back to tell me
how i am like a beautiful flower
that i look gorgeous today
that i'm a wonderful person
that i deserve to be breathing the same air as her
that i exist and it's okay and so am i
funny because
i'm hearing that fairly often lately
so maybe it's not such a radical idea
i think most of this bad stuff is just in my head
and what isn't, maybe the people i care about can get around
the people who care will find a way around
i'm learning that i am not so alone
so maybe i should just suck it in and blossom

okay this is supposed to be funny. in one of those true yet exaggerated ways.

where is my sunset?
i've only got the thunder
and airplane noises overhead
where the fuck did someone hide
the lovely kids who are
SUPPOSED to be falling
head over heels in love with me?
friday night i was slightly part of this conversation
about who weird it was
to think about some bo(d)y out somewhere
having a crush on you
and no joke, kids, there is no one for me
no no not even any creepy freshmen
the only guys i ever see are either
too busy hating me
dating my friends
strictly platonic
gay
so i would be fucked
if i was only thinking about guys
but by this point
i would take anybody who came along
i am so sick of being the only one
and some of you will say
"oh alanna it's okay you'll find (t)him someday"
but fuck that, i don't believe you anymore
your words are empty
nobody has ever even so much as
had a little crush on me
and that is the honest truth
straight from mother's kitchen
and some of you will say
"oh alanna i'm not dating anyone either"
but hey that is probably your choice
or you at least have had someone interested in you
or you at least have some standards
do not deny it.
katherine, you have a fucking stalker, for god's sake
i DEMAND to be stalked
where the fuck is my high school sweetheart
my maybe baby
my "we're not dating but we might as well be"?
the lights just flickered
to match the thunder + my mood
i think Shakespeare wrote this scene
or maybe the fact that it just started raining again
is a sign from god? (haha)
"oh alanna you are thinking on the right track
like you always have been
keep up the good work!"
very funny.
nice one, god.
well since you're listening
let me not get sad at sweet love songs
just because they can't apply to me
let me not relish in seeing my friends in great relationships
and hearing their romantic stories
how you two are
perfect
so in love
really happy
friends with benefits
obsessed
great... when you're alone together
just having fun
shit. lightning. i've lost my train of thought now
because i have a 50-track mind
i guess it can be seen from far off
a warning before somebody gets too close
just like the pale bald tracks running down my body
my sanity is slipping out through them
and i am running really low right now
especially since it's late saturday night
and you know what that means
yeah that's right girl you go on
and remind yourself
why they don't like you
i guess nobody wants to keep up with
my 50-track mind
my mood swings
my depression
my loud
my obnoxious
my ugly
yeah that's right girl that one is a real esteem booster
well this isn't big enough to kill myself over
(even though i'm in the bathroom -- my official suicide place)
because i can always get cats
plus i'm too hideous for the prostitute route
i don't want to hear you tell me that i am a beautiful human being
and how great + funny i am
and how stupid everyone else is for not seeing it
what the fuck will that do
shut up talking and date me, if i'm so cool
....see?
i told you, muthafucka!
you are empty words!!!

"there's is an important "official announcement" to be made, this saturday night, approximately 7:35......before the beginning of our shorts program, which will include two Do you know where your children are productions.....be there, or be squashed avacado. Seriously, and your whole board should be there. SO DON'T MISS IT ON YOUR LIFE, and, EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW SHOULD BE THERE, because, if they aren't they'll all miss out on a special announcement.



ok"



this is a message from the lovely morgan jon fox. i call on everyone to obey his demands and be at First Congregational Church (1000 S. Cooper) at approximately 7:35 tomorrow night.

media co-op

it was just another friday night
and my party got a little slow
nobody else was available
and it was just 3 people eating oreos
so me + laylee + robin went out on the town
well
down the street anyway

we hung out in the Smart Mart
that those nice koreans own
and even after Sonic
we still don't want to go home
we even tried Texaco
we tried Midtown Foods
and after it all we know
the one thing we have left to do

loitering in the laundromat
loitering in the laundromat
robin's playing mortal kombat
this is where i always wanna be at
just loitering in the laundromat



photo of robin, taken by laylee

hey, you called me bitter
but you can't just call me bitter
and leave without my laughter
so i told you that you don't matter
yr ideas are so outrageous
you think homosexuality is contagious
you have a mind but you don't use it
i don't wanna hear about how you lose it

I TOLD YOU SO
WHY WON'T YOU GO
FUCK UP MY DAY
this is NOT okay
and i will NOT just sit here
and listen to you say
that i'm the mean one
i'm the bitch
success won't have
any part in my mess
so i am evil
i'm unclean
heartless little motherfucking
stone-soul machine

yr a pathelogical liar
i can't trust a thing you say
and even before i found out
i didn't like you anyway
you said you were raped and you bragged about it
well the girls who really were sure don't shout it
go back to the depths from whence you came
oh my god you are so lame!

I TOLD YOU SO
YR IN MY THROES
YR UNDER MY THUMB
cause i am NOT dumb
and i have friends + love
i am NOT numb
so yr the mean one
yr the bitch
yr only as annoying
as a goddamn itch
because i don't care
what you think about me
because.... you know
i "don't care about anything"

i can't pretend to be nice to you even though
yr not the only one thinking what you do
i seem really judgemental according to ted
i think the hardcore has gone to his head
johnny told my friends i'm really "scary"
not that they don't know i am no fucking cherry
i don't need to be the one getting the most love
cuz shit like you filters thru till i get the best love

i come home from the movies
to find the bathroom sink steadily dripping water
and it makes me want to skip the hand-washing this time
as penance for wasting somebody's life source
but then i could end up with hepatitis
so i just stick my hands quickly under the faucet
turning 'slightly wet' into 'clean'
but it's okay because mom bought vanilla cokes and
brownie ice cream yesterday
forced me into a jail called "girls' night in"
and even with me having to be there
and having to gorge myself with cookies and milk
and having to watch a mediocre movie with a hot actor
so that mom can cry and cry like i wish i could
i remember the feeling of august september october
i remember the feeling of connecting with certain people
for maybe five minutes every week day
i remember weekend nights cold and alone
i remember isolation and wondering what everybody i
thought i was close to was doing right then
it's those same thoughts that are killing me now too
you know the ones
"why am i still awake and gulping down caffeine
making my throat lumpy so that i will have an excuse not to talk?
and what am i doing at this hour of the night waiting for somebody
to ring the doorbell or to call my lonely phone number?"
i really am a wishful thinker no matter what i project
and i feel guilty because i am a bad friend
who can't be told what is really going on
and i feel STUPID that i didn't suspect
because i trusted
so instead i just get parts of stories and breadcrumb hints dropped
along the milky way to the murky truth
only i can't tell if i am supposed to take the bait
but it's okay because two days ago i remembered
how beautiful some people are and learned
how beautiful some can be
and us just running through my backyard can create
threads that are stringing us together now
i'll remember it as a couple of hours when we were tied before
i flew with angels in the late sleek night
i loved that she sat in the middle seat so that i had her in my arms
playing with her curls and trying to make her laugh
and i hope her teary eyes dried on the way to getting comfort donuts
i loved him demanding that i hug him so that he could pick me up
and swing me around the driveway
twice
i learn that i am truly a bird and he is my wings
i loved holding her firm by her constant hip handles as the sun creeped out
in her bed i remember every detail that i love about her
i wish i saw her more and i wish we could always talk uninhibited like in the late sleek night
and nights should never end
but it's okay because this morning i woke up to a really loud fly
buzzing around and smashing itself repeatedly into the glass of my window
and since it was just last week when i discovered that they weren't painted closed
i opened one up and it's a real sunday morning
when i can lay there in bed with the wind on my face
and pretend to fall back asleep to the sound of the hoses watering the roses
my little insect friend doesn't realize that he is humming to the wrong window
his little serenade has been for nothing because that one isn't budging
plus there is still love that i had no idea i could contain
i don't think i am big enough to hold it, anyway
no wonder there's no room for me to be someone
i am all full up with how beautiful everything is
i smile with my eyes closed to keep happiness in stock behind my mind
and the bugs are buzzing along

may 4, 8:20-11pm, on and off. may 5, 6:30am, geometry, geography, biology

mark skin yellow to remind me that i am needed
"oh yeah - don't forget to put yourself in this time
don't forget to pack you"
and i think i would've
i forget that kind of thing
and god i do get jealous so easily
i need to step back
from far away the marks don't matter
we are only shadows
not a pile of words tinted by rainbows
not scars or X's or connected dots
but look at us shadows together
you're just going to have to remind me
that to be shadows we're required to have sun
in this darkness i forget
mark sky yellow to remind us that we have light
(and love, and all that, etc)
and we know that
we can't really pretend that we forget
but yeah i did lose sight
and god i do get jealous so easily
you have to forgive me
for the things i don't realize that i do
and my mistakes are just easy to hide
because i have had so much practice
and hey, i love your imperfection
so don't worry
but i'm sorry
i hate that i can't be completely raw truth
i admit it. i am a liar.
devious coniving manipulative evil
like mom always said
and she didn't even really know the whole of it
so raise a glass to mother's instinct
and cheers to imperfection
for now we can simply be shadows together
i need to make it last
and maybe, as long as there is sun, we'll be okay
actually
i really need that
and i need to be okay
i don't know how to function in the dark anymore
and i am going to be so broken
if we break
i guess i should just keep hiding lies
so that you won't see how i have to hide behind them

i walk so lightly that
i realized i'm barely staying on earth
i was stepping on glass shards
without being cut
i want to leave the pieces on the soles of my feet
and i'll walk down to the parking lot across the street
where there's always broken bottles
i will cross the whole place twice
and work up defensive glass feet
glass slipper shields that i will drop at the palace
in the garden
next to the flowers i planted with my own glass hands
green brown blue glass slippers stained red
because i had to keep them on
because i can't let myself lose them for a prince to find
i will be my own prince searching for a foothold on the world
big enough to let me in
small enough to keep me there
i'm floating away lately
i am standing in the backyard digging a hole
still wearing glass
on small feet and like shrapnel in the pale skin of my arms
i am destroying dirt and slicing roots
plunging madly into the land i barely stand on
if i plant myself here in a ground coffin
maybe i will blossom
and mom will come to press the air out of the soil
while i wait patiently
i've been waiting patiently
and all the flowers look so nice
spring fever again
and i swear this spring is the most elemental
and this fever is the most burning
i have a need to be watered in my soil
i need to water myself and the shirt of a friend/lover/stranger
while i can finally cry
and string the tears from my eyes into ropes to the sky
i have a need to see the world through salt and blurry vision
i need to see myself with cleansed eyes
i'm still only a little girl walking on glass shoes
that keep her separate from the world
and if she starts to float aways
she wants friends/lovers/strangers/Charmings to anchor her back down
even if she pricks them as she destroys her slippers
realizing that she is part of everything
her own being shattering the glass wall she put up between herself and them
recognizing love and acceptance as roots reaching towards her
she isn't really part of everything
but she's not completely separate

i forgot just exactly what it was
that i loved about you
but you got up and said
familiar words
and the sound of you
resonating through the room
spitting ideas so fast
i don't know if you knew
what was going through you
but my heart fell off the see-saw again
you were back up there
shining in the pantheon
i held my breath
and your hands were writing the air
to think we were in the same air
to think you kissed the top of my head
to think you called me gorgeous
to think i want pink pants and a tambourine
to think i was invited though i can't be there
to think i still can't find myself in front of you

Concerts are:
-not being able to see over the barricade of tall guys in front of me and my friends helping me push to where i can see
-red x on my hand indicating that i'm a minor and i can't go up to the bar
-a woman wearing a tight white nurse dress clutching her ass with her boyfriend's hand
-covering my own embarrassing body head to toe until i am music head to toe
-a stage cast in glittering fluorescent filtered light shedding smoke to the music
-my thighs touching when i sway
-just bodies and music
-so many people with one connected mind
-intensely quick roadies running out to fix the shit
-the drummer and the bassist singing strong even though they don't have mics
-eyeing the beautiful girl with the nose ring and the beautiful boy with pink hair
-seeing the stage more clearly than the people right next to me even though there's a huge cloud of smoke in between me and the performers
-thinking that the rhythm guitarist just made eye contact with me
-scissorkicks and swing moves and those great jumps that rock bands do
-the musician actually glowing on stage, and that is no metaphor
-remembering that the music comes from people and not photographs, that they wear clothes and have expressions
-falling in love with them for being real and having the strength to make so much sound
-the drum pound pounding right in my head and the guy is practically standing now, he's playing so hard
-finding escape and relief in the mixed smell of cigarettes and pot clinging to my clothes and skin for days after my ears start to work properly again
-a slight reverb in my ear making me think that more people are singing than there are. i think i can hear ghosts.
-touching my neck to hear my own bones vibrating to the hum of the sound and when i scream i feel it bursting through my throat because in here i can be the loudest
-all of my bones shaking with little solid stale water flying down my spine
-learning a new beat from the bass pounding my weak heart and it's trembling with sound
-not just that i want to marry the bassist that got him into my heart. he shattered my pulse and if someone were to check, i'd be pronounced physically unfit
-pumping blood coursing through my whole body and shaking up all my veins and teaching me to dance
-so loud that i can't hear myself think and this is what i have been looking for every time i turned on the stereo or put on headphones
and this is just what i need


help me add more to this list because it isn't long enough and help me fix this because i can't express this very well.