i know that you are gone but i can not stop and i do not stop. all i can do is say it and pretend you are here to hear. things are stupid. why are things stupid? i used to think suicide was so selfish and jesus that can't matter. it's too bad i'm not brave in that way. and it's supposed to be brave not to but how can it be when there is no life to show for it? how can one pretend to live and call it bravery holding them back? so suicide is looking more and more reasonable as opposed to my big fat nothing life these days which is going nowhere. yes i am that selfish. i figure i should get hit by some big truck next time i step outside. i need something real to cling to. i must be hard to please and easy to please and indecisive and opinionated and i make no sense and i have no self. i can not find any me in this body to save my skin. things are stupid. you can not tell me why things are stupid. isn't it perfect that depression should be genetic? i'll go insane, you just wait. i'll have some bizarre mental condition. so i used to want that. i used to be so scared of cancer and all at once think i had it and be sort of relieved and excited. i guess i was that attention-starved. yes i am that selfish. i only want to be seen as me and maybe you will find her for me right before i bite it. i only want not to be taken for granted. but i think it's hard for you to take me for granted when i have no identity and i have no originality and i have nothing to take. i think i can't be human as princess heart-of-stone. as miss manipulation. as she who derives pleasure from your annoyance. i can't be human if i can never cry. i know you are gone but i can not stop.