just got off the phone with brock. i love talking to him until his phone dies. wahaha. i love that even though we hear it beep and dying, he always calls back to let me know that his phone died, but that maybe he would call me back on the cell later when it became free. today was pretty blagh. fucking friday on a shit stick. oh well. i have a root beer float.

GWAHAHAH WILLIAM HAS A RASPUTINA LINE FROM "THE NEW ZERO" IN HIS AIM AWAY MESSAGE. WAAHHHH AND IT'S A GREAT LINE. WAAAAHHHHHHH i'm happy.
can he help us get into the show next sunday?

fuck this shit, i'm walking to sonic.

today sucks. you know the usual friday feeling of WEEEE WEEKEND? well i had that yesterday. but no longer, my friend. for some reason this weekend looks sickly bleak and hopeless. so far, that outlook has proven true. i came home alone from school and have been here ever since. doing nothing. and i hate it. i asked dad to take me to the scribbler coffeehouse, for COMPLETE lack of things to do, but he will be in a meeting later and wouldn't be able to pick me up. everyone is doing shit. i'm alone. oh well. i would like to go to the indie memphis film festival. no ride. this is really shitty. someone come save me haha?
tomorrow doesn't look any better. i have to film/edit brock's and wenli's french projects. oh well, it'll probably be funnish. but i would so much rather be working on one of OUR films, you know? when brock first said he was working on his french movie, i freaked out. then i realized he meant the stupid commercial for class. he's making the most of it, though, and it should be funny. i just hope it doesn't take too insanely long to do, and that i don't fall asleep in midst of all the french. why is morgan watching degreassi? also, elise's play is this weekend, and i only feel slightly bad that i can't go. last night i was busy, tonight i have no rides (but if i did, i would probably resort to the play), and tomorrow i will be filming. i talked to elise for about 30 seconds longer than normal a little while ago. it was odd. she said she might call later, i don't know how that will go. i think we have different views on why we are no longer hanging out/talking at all. and i didn't really know what to say to gently dissuade her because there is no gentle way to do it. the plain truth is that we just are not compatible friends. we don't have enough in common. and when it gets to the point that nearly every little thing someone does is bugging you, you just have to lay it down. why do my posts lately keep becoming these damned nuts life repetetive shits? stop me, someone.

listening to: adam ant - kick

i. LOVE. laylee-kevin-becca nights. so damn much. it isn't even funny. i wish i could see them all the time because then life would be so much better. i love them and they love me and everything is beautiful. there are always moments when i feel like i'm intruding on their beautiful, though, which is inevitable since i don't see them lots and lots. but. it's nice.
so today at about 6:45 becca came over to record, and we just hung out, listened to music, and ate macaroni for a few minutes until dad and morgan left for rehearsal. once they left, becca recorded a take of her new song "nothing fuck" which went really well. since it's still very much in baby state, she only did it once before we moved on. she tried to record "paper hearts" to see what it sounds like without kevin, but something funky was happening with the guitar. then we tried to record "morning sickness" but it took her awhile to get used to playing it again. when we were finally a decent way into the song, the damned phone rang. that was okay, because it was laylee asking when we wanted to go to open mic. all in all, becca eventually recorded a lower version (she didn't have athena) of "my telephone" and one of "paper hearts." i think that's it. she tried out a couple other things, but without the kapo nothing was really working.
open mic was okay. laylee made me wear weird, tall shoes and kevin's hat, which was fun. plus, laylee and becca were wearing my shirts. oh it was hot. when we got there, who should be up at the mic but (surprise, surprise) michael himself. and of course he played for the majority of the time we were there. he didn't stop playing until ana literally forced him to. and even after she told him to quit, he made this comment about "can i just play a show? right now?" the ASS. i really hate him. then ana read one poem, and he played another damn song. then tilden played a 'song' and it was nuts, but i didn't really have to pretend to pay attention because i was watching daniel goof off. i like him, i'm glad he was there. tonight i really remembered why i stopped going to these things. right as becca was FINALLY about to play, michael had to make a huge production over the fact that he was leaving. it took him like ten minutes to make this stupid speech about it. and then when he was done, becca launched into "paper hearts." by now, amber and will had shown up and were standing at the counter. so counter-lady, michael, and amber got to chat it up all through becca's song. it was so fucking annoying. i wanted to kill everyone. it would've been nice to talk to amber, but i didn't really want to do it while someone was playing, and i think she left after just a couple minutes of chat. then becca played "my telephone" which was better because michael was finally fucking gone. GOD. i used to like him, wow remember that? when he had the HAIR and the little facial thing? haa. remember how he would sort of levitate off his stool and sing "you're so prettYYYYYYYYYY" and it was really really nice? that was like the second time i ever went. brock and i fell in love. and now i hate his everlasting guts. i'm going to shut up, because now i'm positive he'll find this. oh well, maybe it will make him stop playing for so damn long. it's really intimidating to kids who are unsure of reading, also. i should know. anyway. becca played so well, even though the audience was nuts. after that, we were just going to leave, but we stayed while daniel read two thingies. one was a funny monologue and the other one was some bits of dialogue. i'm not really sure what you would call it. he tends to do that, i think -- read something funny and then something really serious. it's nice that he can be both, anyway.
becca has the greatest laugh. kevin has the best car mix. laylee is the best fucking person alive. more nights should involve them. in technical terms, the night didn't go too well... we didn't really get anything recorded, and open mic was pretty shitty, on most accounts. BUT i had a great time just because i was seeing the best people on the planet. i'm having this absolutely nuts flashback to the end of last year, when we were going to all the open-mics and pretty much the only reason i kept going was to see laylee, becca, and sometimes kevin, and then i'd be hanging out with people who were feeling like the total opposite. plus there was this really weird distance from brock at the time, and surprisingly, i think we're having another one. part of it is just this extreme shock of not having talked to him outside of school at ALL this week, when a week or two ago we talked on the phone for at least an hour every day. and then when we hang out, i feel like he doesn't want to be there. i've gone over this, and i'm totally rambling. why? to avoid history, of course. ah well. i better go anyway.

me: i love you to death
laylee: i love YOU to death

me: i love you to pieces
becca: i love youa s well!

me: i love you to pizza
kevin: i love you to samsonite

why can't my stupid fucking lamp stand up straight?
not only does it refuse to stand up straight, it has been moving slowly for the past couple minutes and i'm really horrified that it's about to fall. my therapist and the media co-op have this same lamp, only theirs are not shitty reconstructions of the leaning tower of pisa. i just don't understand. i fear for my safety right now. even though the lamp is leaning rather crookedly against the wall, i am positive that it has the capability of reaching out to grab my life at any moment.
i really need some sleep.

SICK OF STAYING UP LATE. SICK OF STAYING UP LATE.

baby go back to your womb

today's brilliant chain of wonderful event began in the car on the way to school. (as previously stated, i'd fallen asleep last night before i did anything except math homework, so i was trying to read american political tradition during the drive.) morgan was talking about how on the phone last night, mom asked her if she had a boyfriend yet, because apparently our relatives (and people who might as well be our relatives, and very well could be) have been asking. morgan said no, but that miss alanna has one. dad's response, of course, was incredibly loud laughter.
stated: AND WHO WOULD THAT BE?!
implied: WHO WOULD EVER DATE MY DISGUSTING, EVIL DAUGHTER?
way to make a kid feel loved, pops.
morning wasn't so bad. christie gave me half a pop-tart. brock was absent from the pre-homeroom festivites, probably doing shit for scribbler staff. i spent the whole day trying to read that stupid chapter for history. chemistry was nice because i understand still/again. woohoo. in english we had a LOCKDOWN so that we don't get shot. joseph sat his fat ass on me. that piece of fuck. oh fuck we have a latin test tomorrow. well there goes my A.
by lunch i wasn't that worried about history. i only had 3 pages left, and i figured i could spare those, with what katherine and brock said about the discussion format today: each person was assigned a character and got asked a couple individual questions. that's it. it didn't seem bad at all, so i didn't even bother to finish the reading, and had a marvelous lunch, filled with screams and mystery emails. so going into class, i was in a genius mood. most of class was actually taken up by looking over our last test and 2 oral presentations. but since we had so little time left for discussion, we didn't do it in the same format as 5th period. she just asked genereal questions. there were some that i could've answered and everything, but i just didn't i guess. i always feel so wrong in there. i don't know. so after everyone but me had talked, she asked this one question where nobody raised their hand. so she looked right at me and said "come on, redeem yourself." and i sort of tittered something that was PART of the answer... and she kept trying to make me say more and give me sort of hints, but i couldn't THINK like that. i would've had to know almost exactly what i was going to say before i even raised my hand. which i did not. oh well. it wasn't that big of a deal, and i didn't feel absolutely ret@rd*d until after the discussion was officially over, and elise gave me this wink and thumbs up sign kinda thing, saying "good job!" then i felt really idiotic. i knew i hadn't done anything resembling a good job, and she was saying it trying to be nice, but it completely backfired. it was more condescending than anything, just because she doesn't understand. so the bell rang. joseph started talking to her about tomorrow's in-class essay, so i was like "thank god, i'm going to be saved from talking to her as i walk out." i guess i jinxed it, because she said my name as i passed by, and had to stand there until she was done with the other kiddies. and finally...
her: did i embarass you?
me: no... it's just that i can't think with everyone expecting me to say something
her: are you sure, or are you just being stubborn?
me: no
her: ...
me: ...
her: well i'm going to be honest, it's a hassle for me to have to stay after school for you to take the written test. you're not only punishing yourself, you're punishing ME!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...
her: ...
her: did you read all of it?
me: yes
her: well you had a good 20 minutes worth of questions, and i KNOW you could've answered some of them!
me: ...
her: ...
me: ...

basically it was hell. i can't even remember how it ended, because by then i was so upset. guys, i can't even explain what it is she does to me. i lose all my dignity, self-control, and strength and my lip just trembles. i can't talk because my throat is tight and terrible, and it's the worst thing in the world. i walked out of there feeling like shit and staring at my feet. i know my little lip was quivering away and my damn eyes were watery when i ran into becca's feet. she said my name in her beautiful becca way, and after that i just sort of crashed. all i remember is crying into her shoulder, and i think she asked me a couple questions but i couldn't really talk. it was awful. i literally have not cried in years. i'm so serious. laylee thought i lost the ability in the war. i thought so, too. it felt really teeangery/angsty/highschool to have done that, but it actually felt really nice. i still feel really cleansed. i felt bad to have unleashed this mountain of at least 5 years' worth of pent-year tears on becca in the span of about 30 seconds. i hope she wasn't late to class. i, on the other hand, was slightly late to class and mrs. jennings asked me twice if i was okay. it was really nice of her, i guess, but what could she do?
her: are you okay?
me: no, i want to die. can you help?

actually, she asked if i was okay, and if i wanted any tissue. i said no to both, but probably should've said otherwise. it was strange having to sniffle my way through the quiz, but stranger that i could still operate pretty well under the circumstances. i think i did pretty well on that quiz. for once, i actually liked getting to go to math after history, because i didn't really have to think. if i still had study hall after history, i would've had to deal with margaret and elizabeth, which could've been really nice, but also really weird.
after school, i didn't really want to unleash my shit on anyone or anything. becca had said she would talk to me after class, but she wasn't there. i felt like she was the only person i could/should talk to, probably because she had seen me in my weakest state and i wouldn't really have to explain too much to her. i ran into kevin and laylee, who apparently noticed that i looked sad, but they were beautiful as always. they gave me a sucker. it was a good sucker. i love them. i didn't really say anything though. i didn't want to burden them or anything. but becca didn't come out front, and then robin asked me how history was anyway. i still didn't really want to talk, so i was really vague about it. a while later, lauren h talked to me for the first time in a while, and she asked about my day so i sort of detailed the history a little more. and i was feeling slightly better, so i got to make it funny-ish and talk about how ervin looks like a pink leprachaun with yellow paper eyes, and all that. being silly about it made it seem less real and less personal. even funnier, brock had to go by her class to get a book he forgot about, and since there was no one else left, i went with him. i planned to wait like 10 feet away from her classroom to avoid her, but as we approached the room, we realized SHE WAS BEHIND US. GOIAHIPSOHGWOEH. it was terrifying. but it's pretty funny to think of how it must look that brock and i hang out. her amazing, perfect-essay student and her idiot, refuses-to-speak student. and they're lobsters. aha.
this is a fucking long post. shit.
anyway that's about it. laylee called me and talked to me for hours on end, because she could tell i was upset today. i love that. and everybody is being really great about it. thanks to all the kids. i love you.
brandon: oh i had a weird experience involving you last night
me: don't you always
brandon: yeah
brandon: this was different though
me: what happened
brandon: i woke up at three in the morning (i had fallen asleep at 12) and sat straight up, sweating my ass off and with my shirt off and i said your name out loud
brandon: and then went back to sleep

and on that note, happy birthday to margaret tomorrow. happy birthday to katherine w yesterday.
farwell to elliott smith.

listening to: throwing muses - limbo
(i can't even tell you how animated i am when i listen to music alone. i make awful faces and hand gestures like a fucking mime. it's really bad. thank god i'm alone.)

elliott smith died... if you don't care to read an entire article, they think it was probably a suicide. he didn't OD or anything, but people suspected he'd gotten back onto heroin or something over the past couple months. poor elliott. there's nothing like music by a depressed, ex-junkie, alcoholic when you're down. it's too bad he couldn't listen to himself.

WHERE ARE THE BAND-AIDS? I NEED A BAND-AID! AWOIGHIOPWGH

so at 9:30 last night i went back to my room to start reading the history homework. the assignment where i always DIE IN CLASS the next day. i lay down for a minute, to get some strength up. i wasn't tired or anything. and yet, i fell asleep. dad came in at 11 and woke me up. i lay there some more, really tired by now and feeling stupid. i think i must've drifted off again or something because when i finally dragged myself out of bed it was (surprise, surprise) midnight. so i fucked everything and went to bed for real. now i have no homework done and i'm still tired. life sucks.

"i don't want to look inside your heads. it involves blood and marionettes." -- actual, real life, true story quote from our very own mrs. jennings, of the algebra persuasian

oh my god, my mom is the CUTEST thing. she just referenced KAREN O on the phone. what a wonderful woman. she is in georgia, because grandma had surgery yesterday. gma is doing good, though, and mom plans to come home on thursday.
anyway, my aunt nura (phyllis) ray is down there too, and mom said that the other day she did something that reminded mom of KAREN O. i love my mother.

HOLY SHIT. THIS LUNACHICKS CD IS SO FUCKING GOOD.
AGOPWEHPIOAWHAWOPEGHOPAWGHEH.
i'm sure it sounds like i say that about everything. but. i'm so serious.
"I AM JAN! JAN I AM! I LIKE TO EAT! GREEN EGGS AND HAM!"
plus, i have a bagel. this is too great.

listening to: lunachicks - jan brady

god i hate waking up. why do i keep staying up so late?!
well i'm in a better mood than yesterday. laylee told me she would cry if i changed those things, and that i wouldn't be alanna anymore. so i was like 'fuck that, laylee is the only one who loves me anyway and if she doesnt like me then who fucking will.' so the end. morgan is in the bathroom with my shoes. aufh.

listening to: the npr pledge drive. haah.

man, laylee and kevin are the adorablest things. i'm jealous as hell.

you can talk a blue streak
you can talk till you're blue
i am drinking dr. pepper. hell yes. i have a craving for pasta. kevin gives the best hugs. afternoon showers are nice. post-shower loud singing is better. limbo is fucking god. today is okay right now.

listening to: throwing muses - night driving
(featuring cellos. oh i'm melting. oh god. plus it has one of those half-way switches in the song. i love those things. they slay me. oh god. i'm slo-ed.)

i'm not good at being alone

today was a bleggity monday. it wasn't awful, though, which was good. we had a blegh history test, which was all multiple choice because ms. ervin had a terrible migraine? the questions were really random and i didn't know a lot of them. i'm rather put out, because i studied a bit and all. phh.
not too much else to say about today... nisha and ima sat with us at lunch. miranda was there for a little while too, asking about the history test. it felt really weird. and the more people there are, the quieter sallis is, which i don't like. i wish i got to see/talk to sallis more. it's too bad. and i think i am also quieter when there are more people. brock says it was nice because there was different conversation. well i'm sorry if i don't give a SHIT about the lizzy mcguire movie and how cute her clothes were. it was just weird. i miss our lunch from the first couple weeks of school. i also wish wexler's 5th period always had c lunch. sigh. those were the days, i guess.
i have talked about that for much too long. laylee, becca, and kevin made me really happy today. i love them. they continue to forever joy me to death. i usually see kevin and laylee first off after school while i'm walking to my locker. and then after i say bye to them, i'm still in a great mood. but after i go to my locker and say hi to other people, i get un-happied. i don't know why it is. i guess it's just that they are so wonderfully full of love and physicality and everything, and then everyone else is ... not. and mean rather than nice. cold rather than warm.
this is making it sound really bad. i love everyone, don't get me wrong. i don't know what's wrong with me gopahwpihpoehoahegpohpwoahgpeh.
but kevin kissed me today. and all was well.

listening to: the gossip - heartbeats

i am trying to put on my shoes but the laces are all covered with seeds, so i have to tie them very carefully. i hope i plant some trees or bushes or whatever today.

my dad's neck hurt. now my hands hurt because i just gave him a massage. god i am SO DAMNED NICE. no, but really. i am such a mean person, i need to be less mean and argue less and talk less in general. people have to help me out with this shit.