last night my lovely family helped me make a video for my mythology class. it is pretty crap but you can watch it here. it's a sort of retold version of this myth and pretty much all you have to know is that the god Pan, who has goat legs and horns, falls in love with Hercules' girlfriend.



and my dad just referred to DYKWYCA as Do You Know Completely Where Your Children Might Be Doing Things?

i've been to three weddings
i think.
i was a bride's maid at age 6.
the flower girls tipped their baskets over
at the end of the long
l    o    n    g
long walk down the aisle in
my grandmother's backyard.
the pictures show all of us
laughing with the wind
kicking up our dresses.
all i remember
about my second wedding is long
l    o    n    g
long talk and i looked down
when he was allowed to kiss her.
my co-, ex- bride's maid gets
too much chicken.
my grandmother sends her back to
the buffet table
to put it all back.
maybe it was my co-, ex- bride's
maid's second wedding too.
maybe she felt too much like a convict
released from jail or
maybe it felt like
her last meal
before we grew up
and were pushed from the foreground.
my third wedding years later
(so many years for me
but i can hold them in my hands)
it has been such a long
l    o    n    g
long time and i dont know what i want
or what to wear
i wish for
my grandmother's itch persistence
she would have made me match
made me fit
but instead i go feeling like myself
--comfortable--
it is a wrong choice.
i am out of place and
i don't know anyone and
now that i am listening to the ceremony,
i don't agree.
i feel too wrong to sit at the tables
during the reception.
i am too naked to drink a glass of punch
or to eat all the chicken.
theif ex-convict sits in chair against wall
--uncomfortable--
wrong.
pushed to the background
by time
and me.
when i was the one carrying the flowers,
i had ideas.
ideals. dreams and plans and futures.
i would take another long walk in
an itchy dress
and make my grandmother proud.
some time in between the chicken
and the aisle
i would become clarissa and explain it all
i was guaranteed love and friends
with exactly right wacky clothes.
i think TV made it look too easy
i let everything go
and look at that
i ended up in the background
back here where there are
NO long walks
NO happy endings
NO fairytale kisses
some day my prince will come
so they say.
when he does i'll most likely push him out the window
it's not that i enjoy life more from inside the tower
against the wall
but i have got it down so well

which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)

just thought this was interesting... i got witch baby the first time ("you're wild and mysterious you often feel like you do not belong")
i think i got weetzie because i put answers about having friends and being surrounded in love. what can i say except "thanks, genie."

furiousXgeorgeX: you're not a nice girl. or a weird guy. you're just an abusive tyrant

happy birthday to me

sick day and it's absolutely terrible.

Accountability

She counted on those people to be there. It was like that trust game. The one where you fell backward and someone would be there to catch you always. That kind of crushing trust.
She'd been floating with this certain flock of swans. They would float along the water and look so nice that nobody else could make a sound. It was like trust. When she fell there was no one there to catch her. Her backwards swan dive left her cold on pavement alone in tears. Floating she was. Flock long gone she took to the sky in search of something solid. I think that she and the rest of the visitors to that ghost realm could tell you now. "Never go looking for solidity in the sky. Those clouds can't support you with your heavy dreams." But I think it was nice while it lasted.
She needed people to count on. Swans. "I am learning," she said, "that I can only count on myself." And that much was true, and a lot of things are true. Like quests are where she's headed because water and air can't hold her. She is going to the city. Solid city hard and beautiful full of bricks for her. Full and there is someone waiting to be counted on.

once time fell
and in the early we rang through
trees not noisy we are
dancing windless milky brain
with spin planet collide in eyes
space high we fly
flat plastered to sticky sky
floating stuck
and ride against night
on black
bareback

i want a genie. it's true. actually i have been looking for my goddamn genie for quite a while now. my wishes were to be surrounded in love all the time and to see the beauty of the world. i'm kind of upset because my wishes have, in part, come true but i didn't get to actually meet my genie. who am i going to thank? i don't have an address to send thank-you cards to. what number do i call up and say “ever since you saved me, my life has been exploding into constant fireworks and can we go out for coffee some time?” not only do i want to have some serious discussion with my genie about why my wishes didn't come true sooner, i want to beg for some more. since my genie doesn't seem to be coming any time soon, i will use this time and this space to extend a verbal cry into the universe: genie, you have shown me the beauty of the world and you have surrounded me with love and beings i would never have dreamed. but genie, where is the beautiful house for us all to live in? where is our paradise in the LA hills where we will grow our own food and sew our own clothes and make beautiful music and create movies to celebrate life? where are our secret agent lovers? genie, i know this is a difficult prescription so i will give you a few more years to fill the order but i am waiting and i am counting on you. until then let me bask in the glow of everything i have found.

by appearing from nothing
you made me remember
and you made me dumb
tense
awkward
my bubble i was loving it
loving in it
my bubble caved away and i am
naked in the open now
does that make you happy?
because you kept smiling
so I'm Hitler laughing nervously
you came here on your mighty, white steed
with a pistol by your side
and how does Hitler react?
hahaha thanks so much
and that's a mighty fine face you've got on
you helped me forget love
again.
but this time it was three minutes not
three years
we have become simpler and simpler
i keep finding little moments to represent
us. together.
but
doesn't this beat all?
doesn't this? you beat me
over and over this time
three minutes
i struck one hard
i hope because
i'm left with almost no confidence
but in an hour or so i will be
in the presence of people i love
because i am loved and there's nothing
you can do about it
tell me what you will
i am alive!
so you think i'm vicious?
i feel!
LOVE and you can't stop it
so i destroyed some little person's dream?
i want to build for big beauty
and i can
and i will
i am building for big beauty
and it is mighty
and i am fine

it is hard to be mad at the world anymore
this place seems too beautiful
what happened?
if i was ever an elitist
i guess i am not now
i have changed
what you like doesn't always effect
what you're like
i am not sorry i am different
there's only one person who would be offended
and she is gone now

today was the first day back to school from winter break... it was veeerrrrrryyyyy long. the only new class i have this semester is mythology, which should be better than etymology. i wish that laylee was coming to white station. i can just imagine her being in my lunch.
bad lunch news: christie and margaret have gone, lauren ricks and casey o'rouke have entered.
good lunch news: lauren dunn, katherine dohan, and brock have come!
after school brock and i had a hopping contest but he won because he is far too tall and i am far too short and so i died.

"inspired by alanna's constant passion" by brock

Enthusiasm beams
From your enlarged eyes
An uncontainable jolt
Zipps through your spirit,
On code red: full alert
Your spiritual cotton
Wripping your seams
Thread giving way to
The sudden bulge
Your internal flame
Roars from fuel
It's the fourth of july sky
In the brain
And thought
Loses all sensibility.
Passion overcomes you.

i dont care enough to post anymore guys. well. it's christmas eve. elise spent the night last night and i think her music video is pretty much done (explanation here) so go watch it. also we saw the two towers, which we all loved. especially gollum and legolas and gimli and i dislike arwen and i wanted to see more eomer. but if you havent seen it, then DO. i liked it better than the first movie but i dont know... i know that i will get killed for saying this but i didnt actually find the book all that amazing. sorry guys.... the story and the mythology behind it are definitely the best things about the book but i just really couldn't get into it at all. i feel like the movies have fleshed out the characters so much more, as well as making tolkein's land a reality. i dont know, come argue with me i guess. the comments are open to the public, you know.

so i was trying to edit "untouchable face" when all of a sudden it did this crazy error and asked me to quit. so i do, and it says "the project file is not readable" and shows me that my clips still exist but it won't actually let me get to them to edit or watch. so dad kicks me off the computer and messes around for a few hours. i lie on the couch in misery and watch Noggin in sheer desperadoes. when dad is done doing his own stuff, we get on the Apple discussion groups and try to get some help. dad makes me leave to eat ice cream and lie on the couch in more desperadoes. but everything is okay! we use BBEdit to fix some screwed up text in the file and the movie still plays like a dream. i am hoping to upload it soon but i've gotta ask the host and make sure. the movie isnt done yet but it's 8.9MB. since yesterday at noon ended the first semester of the school year and the entire DYKWYCA team is now on Winter Break, we are free to work on movies. so i PROMISE that "untouchable face" will be done by the time break is over. even if it's not perfect. that part will come later. sorry for rambling, guys, have a wonderful break!

one of the archive weeks is disappearing. it's pretty distressing. i'm trying to fix it. let me know if it actually exists and i'm blind, please.

Which Sleater-Kinney Girl Are You?

hahahaha

12/12/02 Kill Rock Stars newsletter:

"Mary Hansen from the 5RC band Schema, and also from Stereolab, was killed in East London on Monday afternoon after being struck by a car while riding her bicycle. She was 36.

Although no-one at KRS/5RC had actually ever met Mary, we considered her one of us, and we grieve. We feel fortunate to have been able to release some of her work during her time here on Earth. Our condolences go out to her friends and family and band-mates. The world has lost a great one."

Schema - We Think We're Sane (Mp3)(site)
absolutely brilliant song. it's spinning off into another dimension and feeling very firmly rooted to the floor at the same time. i think the roots come from mary's voice because she knows just what she's saying. if it wasn't there, this song might be the soundtrack to some low-budget outer-space movie. it's amazing. i can't find any lyrics, but please listen really as closely as you can. when you hear this you'll believe that the world has indeed lost a great one.

elise's article (see post from 11/12) finally came out in the school newspaper, The Scoll, today. it was so exciting! my wonderful energy was floating around all day plus it was snowing plus things were just beautiful. i am really trying to finish up "untouchable face."

in other news, morgan was filmed in a scene for morgan fox's movie, blue citrus hearts, on monday.

crazy week i dont know whats going on. had a nice weekend. can't really remember it. ha. it's the morning time and i am about to leave.